Spitting Image (2020) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1
Good day, I'm Prince Andrew.
The producers of Spitting Image have very kindly offered me a chance to speak directly to you, the public.
"Come down," they said.
"Sit right there in that chair," they said, "and hold you head just like this.
" So, I Urgh! Melania, wake up.
I need help with this tweet.
Urgh, for the last time! There's only two Fs in covfefe.
Now, put that away and go to sleep.
I can't.
I have to retweet five fake stories, deny one real one, and call Meghan Markle an idiot.
Can't someone else do it? But who? Who could really capture my style and swagger? Got it! Oh, no .
.
not that asshole.
Good boy.
I say this, it spells better than you.
Doesn't that asshole ever sleep? My family or yours? Dom, I've been looking at the speech that you've written.
Rather harsh, you know, a bit of a sledgehammer.
I'm not sure about starting, "Attention, you the underclass.
" Yes, we should cut the niceties and get straight to, "Sacrifice yourself for the good of the hive.
" And by "hive", you mean? I mean, future of the hive I mean, country.
Are you dissatisfied with me? Perhaps you would like to fire me.
I don't think that will be necessary.
I thought not.
So, this is what you call a baby? Ah, yes.
It looks delicious.
May I eat it? Ha-ha, jolly good.
'Fraid not, Carrie would be furious.
Then I shall not do that.
Instead, I shall eat some of your Earth snacks.
Ah, good-oh.
Now, you write, "Composting the drones "will ensure the survival of the elite.
" Is there a problem? Well, it's more of a Cameron/Osborne type of policy.
It is not Liberal or Conservative, it is basic hive maintenance.
Yeah, I just want it a bit more sunlit uplands, Pimm's in deckchairs, and a bit less vaporising strikers with death rays.
I didn't come all the way from Epsilon 5, I mean Durham, to write a speech with no death rays.
Perhaps you would like to fire me? Oh, I don't think that will be necessary.
I thought not.
I have consumed my snack.
Are you sure I can't eat the baby? Yes, I'm sure you can't eat the baby.
If I did, would you fire me? Er, you know, I don't think that's necessary.
And now the weather forecast with Greta Thunberg.
HOT! That was the weather with Greta Thunberg.
Welcome to Case Western Health Center, the finest venue in America for this debate, since it's a geriatric clinic.
Here are the candidates, President Donald Trump.
Boo, you're a loser.
OK, the debate rules specifically said, you wouldn't throw shoes at me.
Meh! And former Vice President Joe Biden.
Huh? Malarkey! First question, Mr President, about your taxes.
There's been a lot of fake news about that.
So fake I had to invent a new word, phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
So it's not true you only paid $750 in taxes? I want to apologise to America for that.
I'm a smart businessman.
I should have paid nothing.
My accountant didn't tell me you could deduct gravy funnels.
Rebuttal, Mr Biden? Folks, I want to level with you.
Camera's over here.
Thanks.
I mean, let's get the country going in the right direction.
Next on the agenda, two minutes of interruptions.
Here's the deal Not smart at all Nothing done Shut up, man Phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
That actually went as planned.
For the next question, we will fact check your answers in real time.
Vice President Biden, where do you stand on Medicare for all? Hey, folks, I've always stood exactly where I am right now, which, I believe, is my Aunt Ellie's front parlour.
Fact checker? Partially true.
It does look like Aunt Ellie's parlour.
My turn! I've been the best President ever on healthcare.
Better than that loser Washington.
He had zero ventilators at Pearl Harbor.
I did an excellent job on this answer.
I'm strong, too.
I can lift a couch.
Buy Trump steaks.
Fact checker? That's the kind of violence you can expect in Joe Biden's Americ-antifa.
Oh, guys.
I am not taking the bait from this clown.
Not kindly Uncle Joe from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
Oh, you mean Skankton, Crapsylvania? I'll beat you like a drum.
Liar boy! That's the end of this debate.
Buy steaks! It actually was more dignified than expected.
Fill her up, mate.
I'm Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 driver, crusader against injustice, and VAT dodger.
It's time to call out the big oil and gas polluters messing up our planet, apart from my sponsors Petronas Oil and Gas, who do a bloody good job and will not be beaten on price.
Fill her up again, please, mate.
What up, Dom Heads? It's the Raabocop, Foreign Secretary and martial arts madman! Ha! Ha! Hi-yah! Today, I'm going to show you some of my personal, ultimate fighting master moves.
It's not karate, it's Move one - someone's coming in hard with a tough question.
What do you do? Use that anywhere.
On radio, Newsnight, talking to black people.
Put your foot in your mouth.
Move two - the country's going to shit, you're supposed to do something, you have no idea what.
Try this Hi-yah! Don't see no problems in here! Move three - you've got things under control, the press is leaving you alone, but you need press, man.
How do you get it? Oh, Raab-arama! I do this every day.
Zoom right to page one.
That's got to hurt.
Hurts so good.
Ka-Raab-te! Don't forget to ring the bell and subscribe.
Our company has to take a stand.
Consumers need to feel like we care about social justice.
We need to show our product line opposes systemic racism.
It's 2020, people.
Unlike 2019, it's time for us to acknowledge the suffering of black people in America.
But also merchandising.
I got the answer right here.
Black baby Yoda.
Hey! Matter black lives too.
My gosh, we're woke.
So you're back, you disgusting worm.
Just remember, no photographs, no touching, no mentioning Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
No, mistress.
So, what repulsive kink do you want today? Well, I'd like Oh, it's so nasty.
I'd like unpopular Conservative opinions only you can get away with.
Ask, you shall receive, Tory boy.
Mm.
We must limit all immigration.
Except for Israelis.
Ooh, you can say it because you're Asian.
If single mothers can't afford babies, they should have abortions.
If they want abortions, they shouldn't have had sex.
Yes.
You can say it because you're a woman.
Although it would be nice if it made sense.
People should only qualify for universal credit if they don't need universal credit.
Why do young people love rocket? It's just smelly leaves.
Black Panther is a terrible movie.
Yes, we think it, you say it.
Oh, I'm close.
Are you pleasuring yourself, filth? No, I'm close to figuring out how to chop up he NHS and sell it in little pieces, and therefore also close to orgasm.
Sell poppers in corner shops.
Trans women are ducks.
Eggs are delicious on pizza.
That's not Conservative.
Enact mandatory morris dancing.
That's too Conservative.
Stop, stop! Had enough, slime? Yes.
Right, now you do me.
Year on year, fiscal returns have outpaced projections by an annual adjusted rate of 4%.
God, I love dull men! God, I could use a drink.
I can't believe they figured out our scheme to reclassify the parliamentary pub as a canteen so that it could stay open past ten.
Don't worry, sir, I reclassified the chapel as Ibiza.
Foam party! God, I love a loophole.
I'm David Attenborough.
Although I'm 94 years old, I've learned how to use Instagram.
Because our planet is in great You look at the phone, David.
Oh, fucking Instagram! All right, I've finished my clippy.
Where it says signature, do I put the royal seal? That's not necessary, Mr .
.
Of Wales.
I see here that your previous career was in realty.
Royalty.
But it wasn't a career.
My wife's got a Netflix empire.
Who doesn't? But I want a real job, honest work, roll up my sleeves, put jammy on my own scones.
Please read the sign.
Oh, that's a lot to read.
Do you have it on audiobook? Tell me about your marketable skills.
I can fly an Apache tank-killing helicopter.
And have you killed many tanks? None that I was supposed to.
Hm.
Anything else? I'm good at collecting cheques from the government.
Do you have that here? Oh, that's called unemployment.
To get it, you have to have an actual job first.
Right, right.
Oh, I could cut ribbons to open hospitals.
I've got my own scissors.
Don't worry, they're safety.
Oh, it's OK.
The same thing happened at the children's hospital.
Ho-ho, the kids loved it! Mr and Vice President, welcome to the CDC labs.
Sir, it's a sterile space.
You don't need to wear a mask.
It's not a mask, it's a feed bag.
Now, listen, I'm tired of waiting for you scientists to do something about this virus.
It's hanging around like Eric's aftershave, Sir, the vaccine is already in phase three safety and efficacy line trials.
Uh-huh.
Mansplain that to me, VP.
Sticking people with needles, seeing what happens.
Not good enough.
I need things to happen now! Give me something to work with, lady.
You're smart.
I mean, look at you.
Out on the street you're a five, but in here with these nerds? Num-num-num-num-num-num! As a woman in science, that's still the most respectful thing anyone's ever said to me.
So, where is this virus? In this little beer nut tray? Petri dish.
It's growing in a nutrient bath.
Living in its own food, eh? Let's get Jared working on that for me.
You scientists gotta treat this virus like a businessman.
Make a deal, bang his wife, declare bankruptcy, skip town.
Er, what are you proposing? Get me across the table with this virus dude.
I'll negotiate us a great deal, people are saying the best deal.
Huh.
Well, this is kind of out of the blue, but, er .
.
we do have a shrink ray.
Less yappin', more zappin'.
Coroney, you got New York style.
I think you and I can make a deal.
There's an art to it, according to the guy who wrote my book.
Why should I make a deal? Things are going great for me.
I can make things easier.
You leave the rest of us alone and you can have all the old people.
We're talking men over 90, women over 27.
Throw in fat people.
Fat women? And men.
No deal.
I'm already letting you have all the poor and ethnic types.
We never asked for them.
Well, they're yours.
No take backs.
Mr Trump, you are wasting my time.
This negotiation is over.
I'm not leaving without a win.
What is that? A squirt gun.
Filled with the longest word I know - Hydro-cloxy-woxy-loxy-quoxy- chlorocline.
Mm, good stuff.
Can I get some more? You know, Coroney? You're everything I like.
You're tough, you're sneaky, you're a threat to humanity.
I want you in my organisation.
Interesting.
What did you have in mind? I'll explain it on the way up.
Hey, Lady Lab Coat, big me.
Oh, my God, sir! You brought it back with you! Pence .
.
you're fired.
I knew the hydroxy would kill something annoying.
Say hello to your new Vice President.
I'm gonna bring a lot of new ideas now that I'm in charge of the Anti-Virus Task Force.
It's great to have a guy like this just a heartbeat away from the presidency.
Hey, it's the husband formerly known as Prince.
Any luck getting a job? They had me driving for Uber Eats, but there were too many damn rules! "Don't touch the food, don't taste the food, drive on the road.
" I'm sorry, Rowdy Reddy.
But then, I was driving down the sidewalk in Hollywood and I saw something amazing! People dress up in costumes, like Spider-Man or Jack Sparrow, and pose with tourists, a dollar a photo! That's perfect! You love people, you're good at getting your photo taken.
And I've already got a costume! All right, who's ready for a photo with Hitler? Anybody? How about Hitler and Pikachu? Who wouldn't want a picture with Hitler and Pikachu? Pikachu! Agh! Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-mm.
Real brainteaser, that.
It's all edge! Now, what's this I hear about a problem with the college students? Because of the rise in campus infection rates, we had to impose some mild restrictions.
Love it.
What have we done? We've locked them up.
I see no problem.
The larvae flourish when confined to their hexagonal pods.
D-d-doesn't that make the universities rather .
.
prisony? Shut up, Hancock.
Sorry, fair point.
I'll stand behind the plant.
This quadruples the prison population at a stroke.
Hashtag vote winner! The students are complaining that they're stuck in their rooms, they have to attend lectures online and they can't go home for the holidays.
Let me get this straight.
These kids lie around all day in their jim-jams, spaffing on the internet, non-stop rummage in the scrummage, and there's absolutely no way they'll see their family at Christmas? Yes, Prime Minister.
Hey, what's that? So, fellow students, who fancies two pints of vodka and a game of human Jenga? Who are you again? I'm the new boy, Johnson B, The Bozemeister.
Reading Classics, like I give a damn, right? Erm, boundaries? As in let's cross them, eh? Well, break out the green, I brought the parliamentary bong.
Smoking marijuana is cultural appropriation.
Crikey, statue topplers, eh? What do you do for kicks around here? I'm teaching myself coding.
I'm curating a web page for vegan profiteroles.
Sounds rather serious.
University is serious.
We're here to study, not to waste time.
Not at £9,000 a year.
How much?! 9,000.
What's that? What a bunch of idiots.
Well, the costume thing went OK, but not great.
Somebody gave me $20.
For a single picture? Yeah, to stay out of a single picture.
I don't know, Megs.
I've tried every career there is - Prince, Hitler Maybe I'm just not qualified for anything.
That's not true! You're a great husband, a good-hearted man, you've got big, muscular teeth.
Thanks, Meg.
And I guess now I'm qualified for this! Unemployment! Now I'm a regular Yankee geezer! Hi.
It's me again.
Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 star, enviro-campaigner and offshore tax haven lover.
Human rights abuses have got to stop now.
End of.
Apart from in China, Russia and Bahrain - I do have to race there.
But apart from them, sort it out! I used to date a Pussycat Doll! Kier, loving your whole radical shake-up of the Labour Party.
Love.
In'.
It.
Thanks very much, Sir Elton.
Please, just Elton.
Anyway, bit of advice - I think you could zhoosh this up a bit.
I don't know.
I don't want to distract from my message.
The look IS the message.
You're going up against Boris Fluffs-His-Hair-For-The-Camera Johnson.
'Ere, let's try something.
You see, that's better already, love.
Now, pretend I'm the House of Commons.
All right Under proposed changes to Universal Credit No! Stop.
Stop! There's still something missing.
Hang on.
I think we've cracked it.
You do know we're the Labour Party? Shut it! Now, give it some zazz.
Year on year, GDP has fallen 12%.
No.
I'm sorry, it's still not quite working.
There's only one option.
But, Elton SIR Elton! We call for another urgent review Buhh! I tell you what the problem with you is, I'm not on drugs.
Seven of you? Gathered together? No, no, no.
This is dangerous and i-illegal.
You know how to make an o-o-outdoor gathering safe.
Hunt grouse, stay healthy.
Happy Sunday, everybody.
We're only a few weeks away from the election, arguably the most important day in our country's history Welcome To The Jungle! Now, I've never endorsed a presidential candidate, although I have endorsed pretty much everything else, including The Rock's delicious Tequila! Great before, during or after your workout.
You guys know me.
If I go, I go big.
That's why I'm taking the bold step of bravely endorsing the odds-on favourite presidential candidate - Joe Biden.
Aren't you forgetting something, you giant goose? It's my little pocket pal, Kevin Hart! Don't forget to plug our new movie! That's not what this is about, Kevin.
Don't miss Jumanji This Time It's Contractual.
Oh, and Kamala Harris.
Can I have a Kevin snack? Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom! What a fantastic day in New Zealand.
Meat pies, ginger crunch and a positive balance of trade with China.
I know, but sometimes I think .
.
couldn't things here be MORE fantastic? Where there's a wish, there's a way! Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern! Kia ora, children.
What healthful weather we're having.
Not a spit-spot of virus to be seen.
Why, Jacinda Ardern, are you boasting? Practically perfect people never boast, they just get re-elected forever.
In a world of strongmen A nice lady came along I'm kind and smart and young and Kind and good and kind and young When I became New Zealand's boss I knew just what to do Initiate a nanny state And turn our grey skies blue! Super-Kiwi-socialistic- Extra-nice Jacinda Never mean and always green And such a lovely grin-na If a virus comes around She'll stop it going in ya Super-Kiwi-socialistic- Extra-nice Jacinda! Yum dumble dumble, dumble meat pie Yum munchie munch, yum ginger crunch I banned all assault weapons And enforced a living wage I gave birth to a child At an advanced maternal age I put us into lockdown Faster than the Yanks and Brits And now NZ is virus-free We've kicked it in the tits! Oh! Super-quick Jacinda Taking action straight away That virus had no chance against Our badass Kiwi bae With her gentle touch And iron fist Cleared COVID off the scene Super-Kiwi-socialistic- Extra-nice Jacinda! Young man, do you have the impertinence to be ill in New Zealand? I was just clearing my throat.
I'm probably fine.
Do you know how hard it is to quarantine two small islands with low population and a wealth of natural resources that renders us completely self-sufficient?! Notthathard? That's quite enough of that.
I can see there's only one thing to do.
I am delighted to announce no new cases of coronavirus! Super-Kiwi-socialistic- Extra-nice Jacinda! The ignorant and lazy adults that have robbed me off my future, by which I mean network executives, have told me to bring a lighter touch and also to cover afternoon drive time.
So, today, a mix of sun and clouds.
Chance of sprinkles, don't forget your brellie.
All clear by your evening commute.
Tomorrow and for the rest of eternity - HOT!
The producers of Spitting Image have very kindly offered me a chance to speak directly to you, the public.
"Come down," they said.
"Sit right there in that chair," they said, "and hold you head just like this.
" So, I Urgh! Melania, wake up.
I need help with this tweet.
Urgh, for the last time! There's only two Fs in covfefe.
Now, put that away and go to sleep.
I can't.
I have to retweet five fake stories, deny one real one, and call Meghan Markle an idiot.
Can't someone else do it? But who? Who could really capture my style and swagger? Got it! Oh, no .
.
not that asshole.
Good boy.
I say this, it spells better than you.
Doesn't that asshole ever sleep? My family or yours? Dom, I've been looking at the speech that you've written.
Rather harsh, you know, a bit of a sledgehammer.
I'm not sure about starting, "Attention, you the underclass.
" Yes, we should cut the niceties and get straight to, "Sacrifice yourself for the good of the hive.
" And by "hive", you mean? I mean, future of the hive I mean, country.
Are you dissatisfied with me? Perhaps you would like to fire me.
I don't think that will be necessary.
I thought not.
So, this is what you call a baby? Ah, yes.
It looks delicious.
May I eat it? Ha-ha, jolly good.
'Fraid not, Carrie would be furious.
Then I shall not do that.
Instead, I shall eat some of your Earth snacks.
Ah, good-oh.
Now, you write, "Composting the drones "will ensure the survival of the elite.
" Is there a problem? Well, it's more of a Cameron/Osborne type of policy.
It is not Liberal or Conservative, it is basic hive maintenance.
Yeah, I just want it a bit more sunlit uplands, Pimm's in deckchairs, and a bit less vaporising strikers with death rays.
I didn't come all the way from Epsilon 5, I mean Durham, to write a speech with no death rays.
Perhaps you would like to fire me? Oh, I don't think that will be necessary.
I thought not.
I have consumed my snack.
Are you sure I can't eat the baby? Yes, I'm sure you can't eat the baby.
If I did, would you fire me? Er, you know, I don't think that's necessary.
And now the weather forecast with Greta Thunberg.
HOT! That was the weather with Greta Thunberg.
Welcome to Case Western Health Center, the finest venue in America for this debate, since it's a geriatric clinic.
Here are the candidates, President Donald Trump.
Boo, you're a loser.
OK, the debate rules specifically said, you wouldn't throw shoes at me.
Meh! And former Vice President Joe Biden.
Huh? Malarkey! First question, Mr President, about your taxes.
There's been a lot of fake news about that.
So fake I had to invent a new word, phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
So it's not true you only paid $750 in taxes? I want to apologise to America for that.
I'm a smart businessman.
I should have paid nothing.
My accountant didn't tell me you could deduct gravy funnels.
Rebuttal, Mr Biden? Folks, I want to level with you.
Camera's over here.
Thanks.
I mean, let's get the country going in the right direction.
Next on the agenda, two minutes of interruptions.
Here's the deal Not smart at all Nothing done Shut up, man Phoney-looby-dooby-ding-dang.
That actually went as planned.
For the next question, we will fact check your answers in real time.
Vice President Biden, where do you stand on Medicare for all? Hey, folks, I've always stood exactly where I am right now, which, I believe, is my Aunt Ellie's front parlour.
Fact checker? Partially true.
It does look like Aunt Ellie's parlour.
My turn! I've been the best President ever on healthcare.
Better than that loser Washington.
He had zero ventilators at Pearl Harbor.
I did an excellent job on this answer.
I'm strong, too.
I can lift a couch.
Buy Trump steaks.
Fact checker? That's the kind of violence you can expect in Joe Biden's Americ-antifa.
Oh, guys.
I am not taking the bait from this clown.
Not kindly Uncle Joe from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
Oh, you mean Skankton, Crapsylvania? I'll beat you like a drum.
Liar boy! That's the end of this debate.
Buy steaks! It actually was more dignified than expected.
Fill her up, mate.
I'm Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 driver, crusader against injustice, and VAT dodger.
It's time to call out the big oil and gas polluters messing up our planet, apart from my sponsors Petronas Oil and Gas, who do a bloody good job and will not be beaten on price.
Fill her up again, please, mate.
What up, Dom Heads? It's the Raabocop, Foreign Secretary and martial arts madman! Ha! Ha! Hi-yah! Today, I'm going to show you some of my personal, ultimate fighting master moves.
It's not karate, it's Move one - someone's coming in hard with a tough question.
What do you do? Use that anywhere.
On radio, Newsnight, talking to black people.
Put your foot in your mouth.
Move two - the country's going to shit, you're supposed to do something, you have no idea what.
Try this Hi-yah! Don't see no problems in here! Move three - you've got things under control, the press is leaving you alone, but you need press, man.
How do you get it? Oh, Raab-arama! I do this every day.
Zoom right to page one.
That's got to hurt.
Hurts so good.
Ka-Raab-te! Don't forget to ring the bell and subscribe.
Our company has to take a stand.
Consumers need to feel like we care about social justice.
We need to show our product line opposes systemic racism.
It's 2020, people.
Unlike 2019, it's time for us to acknowledge the suffering of black people in America.
But also merchandising.
I got the answer right here.
Black baby Yoda.
Hey! Matter black lives too.
My gosh, we're woke.
So you're back, you disgusting worm.
Just remember, no photographs, no touching, no mentioning Ben & Jerry's ice cream.
No, mistress.
So, what repulsive kink do you want today? Well, I'd like Oh, it's so nasty.
I'd like unpopular Conservative opinions only you can get away with.
Ask, you shall receive, Tory boy.
Mm.
We must limit all immigration.
Except for Israelis.
Ooh, you can say it because you're Asian.
If single mothers can't afford babies, they should have abortions.
If they want abortions, they shouldn't have had sex.
Yes.
You can say it because you're a woman.
Although it would be nice if it made sense.
People should only qualify for universal credit if they don't need universal credit.
Why do young people love rocket? It's just smelly leaves.
Black Panther is a terrible movie.
Yes, we think it, you say it.
Oh, I'm close.
Are you pleasuring yourself, filth? No, I'm close to figuring out how to chop up he NHS and sell it in little pieces, and therefore also close to orgasm.
Sell poppers in corner shops.
Trans women are ducks.
Eggs are delicious on pizza.
That's not Conservative.
Enact mandatory morris dancing.
That's too Conservative.
Stop, stop! Had enough, slime? Yes.
Right, now you do me.
Year on year, fiscal returns have outpaced projections by an annual adjusted rate of 4%.
God, I love dull men! God, I could use a drink.
I can't believe they figured out our scheme to reclassify the parliamentary pub as a canteen so that it could stay open past ten.
Don't worry, sir, I reclassified the chapel as Ibiza.
Foam party! God, I love a loophole.
I'm David Attenborough.
Although I'm 94 years old, I've learned how to use Instagram.
Because our planet is in great You look at the phone, David.
Oh, fucking Instagram! All right, I've finished my clippy.
Where it says signature, do I put the royal seal? That's not necessary, Mr .
.
Of Wales.
I see here that your previous career was in realty.
Royalty.
But it wasn't a career.
My wife's got a Netflix empire.
Who doesn't? But I want a real job, honest work, roll up my sleeves, put jammy on my own scones.
Please read the sign.
Oh, that's a lot to read.
Do you have it on audiobook? Tell me about your marketable skills.
I can fly an Apache tank-killing helicopter.
And have you killed many tanks? None that I was supposed to.
Hm.
Anything else? I'm good at collecting cheques from the government.
Do you have that here? Oh, that's called unemployment.
To get it, you have to have an actual job first.
Right, right.
Oh, I could cut ribbons to open hospitals.
I've got my own scissors.
Don't worry, they're safety.
Oh, it's OK.
The same thing happened at the children's hospital.
Ho-ho, the kids loved it! Mr and Vice President, welcome to the CDC labs.
Sir, it's a sterile space.
You don't need to wear a mask.
It's not a mask, it's a feed bag.
Now, listen, I'm tired of waiting for you scientists to do something about this virus.
It's hanging around like Eric's aftershave, Sir, the vaccine is already in phase three safety and efficacy line trials.
Uh-huh.
Mansplain that to me, VP.
Sticking people with needles, seeing what happens.
Not good enough.
I need things to happen now! Give me something to work with, lady.
You're smart.
I mean, look at you.
Out on the street you're a five, but in here with these nerds? Num-num-num-num-num-num! As a woman in science, that's still the most respectful thing anyone's ever said to me.
So, where is this virus? In this little beer nut tray? Petri dish.
It's growing in a nutrient bath.
Living in its own food, eh? Let's get Jared working on that for me.
You scientists gotta treat this virus like a businessman.
Make a deal, bang his wife, declare bankruptcy, skip town.
Er, what are you proposing? Get me across the table with this virus dude.
I'll negotiate us a great deal, people are saying the best deal.
Huh.
Well, this is kind of out of the blue, but, er .
.
we do have a shrink ray.
Less yappin', more zappin'.
Coroney, you got New York style.
I think you and I can make a deal.
There's an art to it, according to the guy who wrote my book.
Why should I make a deal? Things are going great for me.
I can make things easier.
You leave the rest of us alone and you can have all the old people.
We're talking men over 90, women over 27.
Throw in fat people.
Fat women? And men.
No deal.
I'm already letting you have all the poor and ethnic types.
We never asked for them.
Well, they're yours.
No take backs.
Mr Trump, you are wasting my time.
This negotiation is over.
I'm not leaving without a win.
What is that? A squirt gun.
Filled with the longest word I know - Hydro-cloxy-woxy-loxy-quoxy- chlorocline.
Mm, good stuff.
Can I get some more? You know, Coroney? You're everything I like.
You're tough, you're sneaky, you're a threat to humanity.
I want you in my organisation.
Interesting.
What did you have in mind? I'll explain it on the way up.
Hey, Lady Lab Coat, big me.
Oh, my God, sir! You brought it back with you! Pence .
.
you're fired.
I knew the hydroxy would kill something annoying.
Say hello to your new Vice President.
I'm gonna bring a lot of new ideas now that I'm in charge of the Anti-Virus Task Force.
It's great to have a guy like this just a heartbeat away from the presidency.
Hey, it's the husband formerly known as Prince.
Any luck getting a job? They had me driving for Uber Eats, but there were too many damn rules! "Don't touch the food, don't taste the food, drive on the road.
" I'm sorry, Rowdy Reddy.
But then, I was driving down the sidewalk in Hollywood and I saw something amazing! People dress up in costumes, like Spider-Man or Jack Sparrow, and pose with tourists, a dollar a photo! That's perfect! You love people, you're good at getting your photo taken.
And I've already got a costume! All right, who's ready for a photo with Hitler? Anybody? How about Hitler and Pikachu? Who wouldn't want a picture with Hitler and Pikachu? Pikachu! Agh! Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-mm.
Real brainteaser, that.
It's all edge! Now, what's this I hear about a problem with the college students? Because of the rise in campus infection rates, we had to impose some mild restrictions.
Love it.
What have we done? We've locked them up.
I see no problem.
The larvae flourish when confined to their hexagonal pods.
D-d-doesn't that make the universities rather .
.
prisony? Shut up, Hancock.
Sorry, fair point.
I'll stand behind the plant.
This quadruples the prison population at a stroke.
Hashtag vote winner! The students are complaining that they're stuck in their rooms, they have to attend lectures online and they can't go home for the holidays.
Let me get this straight.
These kids lie around all day in their jim-jams, spaffing on the internet, non-stop rummage in the scrummage, and there's absolutely no way they'll see their family at Christmas? Yes, Prime Minister.
Hey, what's that? So, fellow students, who fancies two pints of vodka and a game of human Jenga? Who are you again? I'm the new boy, Johnson B, The Bozemeister.
Reading Classics, like I give a damn, right? Erm, boundaries? As in let's cross them, eh? Well, break out the green, I brought the parliamentary bong.
Smoking marijuana is cultural appropriation.
Crikey, statue topplers, eh? What do you do for kicks around here? I'm teaching myself coding.
I'm curating a web page for vegan profiteroles.
Sounds rather serious.
University is serious.
We're here to study, not to waste time.
Not at £9,000 a year.
How much?! 9,000.
What's that? What a bunch of idiots.
Well, the costume thing went OK, but not great.
Somebody gave me $20.
For a single picture? Yeah, to stay out of a single picture.
I don't know, Megs.
I've tried every career there is - Prince, Hitler Maybe I'm just not qualified for anything.
That's not true! You're a great husband, a good-hearted man, you've got big, muscular teeth.
Thanks, Meg.
And I guess now I'm qualified for this! Unemployment! Now I'm a regular Yankee geezer! Hi.
It's me again.
Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 star, enviro-campaigner and offshore tax haven lover.
Human rights abuses have got to stop now.
End of.
Apart from in China, Russia and Bahrain - I do have to race there.
But apart from them, sort it out! I used to date a Pussycat Doll! Kier, loving your whole radical shake-up of the Labour Party.
Love.
In'.
It.
Thanks very much, Sir Elton.
Please, just Elton.
Anyway, bit of advice - I think you could zhoosh this up a bit.
I don't know.
I don't want to distract from my message.
The look IS the message.
You're going up against Boris Fluffs-His-Hair-For-The-Camera Johnson.
'Ere, let's try something.
You see, that's better already, love.
Now, pretend I'm the House of Commons.
All right Under proposed changes to Universal Credit No! Stop.
Stop! There's still something missing.
Hang on.
I think we've cracked it.
You do know we're the Labour Party? Shut it! Now, give it some zazz.
Year on year, GDP has fallen 12%.
No.
I'm sorry, it's still not quite working.
There's only one option.
But, Elton SIR Elton! We call for another urgent review Buhh! I tell you what the problem with you is, I'm not on drugs.
Seven of you? Gathered together? No, no, no.
This is dangerous and i-illegal.
You know how to make an o-o-outdoor gathering safe.
Hunt grouse, stay healthy.
Happy Sunday, everybody.
We're only a few weeks away from the election, arguably the most important day in our country's history Welcome To The Jungle! Now, I've never endorsed a presidential candidate, although I have endorsed pretty much everything else, including The Rock's delicious Tequila! Great before, during or after your workout.
You guys know me.
If I go, I go big.
That's why I'm taking the bold step of bravely endorsing the odds-on favourite presidential candidate - Joe Biden.
Aren't you forgetting something, you giant goose? It's my little pocket pal, Kevin Hart! Don't forget to plug our new movie! That's not what this is about, Kevin.
Don't miss Jumanji This Time It's Contractual.
Oh, and Kamala Harris.
Can I have a Kevin snack? Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom! What a fantastic day in New Zealand.
Meat pies, ginger crunch and a positive balance of trade with China.
I know, but sometimes I think .
.
couldn't things here be MORE fantastic? Where there's a wish, there's a way! Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern! Kia ora, children.
What healthful weather we're having.
Not a spit-spot of virus to be seen.
Why, Jacinda Ardern, are you boasting? Practically perfect people never boast, they just get re-elected forever.
In a world of strongmen A nice lady came along I'm kind and smart and young and Kind and good and kind and young When I became New Zealand's boss I knew just what to do Initiate a nanny state And turn our grey skies blue! Super-Kiwi-socialistic- Extra-nice Jacinda Never mean and always green And such a lovely grin-na If a virus comes around She'll stop it going in ya Super-Kiwi-socialistic- Extra-nice Jacinda! Yum dumble dumble, dumble meat pie Yum munchie munch, yum ginger crunch I banned all assault weapons And enforced a living wage I gave birth to a child At an advanced maternal age I put us into lockdown Faster than the Yanks and Brits And now NZ is virus-free We've kicked it in the tits! Oh! Super-quick Jacinda Taking action straight away That virus had no chance against Our badass Kiwi bae With her gentle touch And iron fist Cleared COVID off the scene Super-Kiwi-socialistic- Extra-nice Jacinda! Young man, do you have the impertinence to be ill in New Zealand? I was just clearing my throat.
I'm probably fine.
Do you know how hard it is to quarantine two small islands with low population and a wealth of natural resources that renders us completely self-sufficient?! Notthathard? That's quite enough of that.
I can see there's only one thing to do.
I am delighted to announce no new cases of coronavirus! Super-Kiwi-socialistic- Extra-nice Jacinda! The ignorant and lazy adults that have robbed me off my future, by which I mean network executives, have told me to bring a lighter touch and also to cover afternoon drive time.
So, today, a mix of sun and clouds.
Chance of sprinkles, don't forget your brellie.
All clear by your evening commute.
Tomorrow and for the rest of eternity - HOT!