Staged (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

The Welsh must have a good phrase
for the end of the world.
Why do you say that?
Dylan Thomas must have written about it.
Written a poem or something.
Of course, he wrote
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night.
Well, there you go.
- I did a bit for the BBC.
- Did you?
"Rage!
"Rage against the dying of the light!"
Do you know what it
is in the original Welsh?
How do you mean?
I thought it was translated.
Translated?
Yeah, do you know what
he originally wrote?
He originally wrote,
"Do not go gentle into that good night".
- In English?
- Yes!
That's disappointing.
- Cachu hwch.
- What does that mean?
Total fucking disaster.
Kakhee hochhh!
Sounds like you're throwing up.
- Kakhee hoch.
- Cachu hwch.
- Kakhee fuckin' hoch.
- No, now you've gone Scouse.
- Cachu hwch.
- Cachu hwch.
Cachu hwch.
I could be Welsh.
I could definitely be Welsh.
- We would never let you in.
- You'd love to have me.
You'd beg to have me!
We have been fighting
the Scots off for centuries.
We're not going to let you in now.
Cachu hwch!
MICHAEL LAUGHS
Uh!
- David, can you hear me?
- I can. I can't see you, though.
- Have you got the camera on?
- Uh, no.
I've been driving, so this is just
an old-fashioned phone call.
- Oh, without video?
- No video.
Oh, primitive.
Can I moot an idea with you?
There's a word you don't hear every day.
What word? Moot?
You also use semicolons
in your e-mails, I've noted.
Yes, well, I'm trying
to cut back on that.
Look, is there a version
of this lockdown
where we carry on with rehearsals?
- Rehearsals?
- Yeah. Look, bear with me.
What if we spend two or three hours
a day discussing the play?
Then, when the theatres reopen,
we've got something ready to go.
Everyone else wastes six weeks.
We swan into town.
The British public
will need entertainment.
You think the British public need
Six Characters In Search Of An Author?
- It's funny.
- It's Italian.
We'll make it funnier if we rehearse.
You speak fluent Italian, do you?
Si, ho studiato Italiano a l'universita.
Well, I speak a little German,
a tiny bit of French.
But how do we do it?
Um, have you got Zoom?
- I'm using a Portal.
- Well, I'm SimonEvans1983.
If you can find me in app,
we could chat.
Georgia?
Just give me a minute,
hang on, I'll go inside.
GEORGIA: Look on the screen.
- Yeah.
- No, look at the screen.
The top right hand corner, there's,
like, a preferences bar thing.
- You just need to go down
- Yeah. I'll just let you do it.
David!
- Hi, Simon.
- Hi! Like this!
- Yeah, it worked.
- We'll do it like this.
- Is it working?
- So far, yeah.
Georgia's here. She just
- Hi. Hi, Georgia.
- Hi, Simon, nice to meet you.
Lovely to meet you too.
Sorry about the play, it's a real shame.
- Thank you, yeah.
- Real fucking shame.
We've got to keep rehearsing.
- Oh, how?
- With this.
Like this.
Have you, um,
have you spoken to Michael?
Have you?
Well
I just think it'd be better
coming from you.
- I'm not the director.
- Yes, but he's your friend.
He's not going to like it.
- You don't know that.
- Mum?
Yeah, I'm here, hold on!
He never really warmed to the play.
- Well, that'll change.
- Or to Simon.
I don't understand why
he was doing it, then.
Well, for me, I think.
Well, then maybe
he'll do this for you too.
Dad?
Yeah, just coming!
- You seem weirdly keen on this.
- Not weirdly keen.
- I just think it'd be good for you.
- What do you mean?
Remember when we went away
for the weekend
and we got snowed in,
just us and the kids,
you went a little bit mad, didn't you?
You started spelling everything
backwards in your own head.
- Yeah.
- Mmm.
I just don't think I could deal
with that again.
So I think the distraction
would be good for
- For you.
- For me, yeah.
BOTH KIDS: Mum! Dad!
BOTH: Hold on a minute!
- It's started already, hasn't it?
- It has, yeah. I'll call him.
Michael?
BIRDS TWEET OUTSIDE
- Michael?
- David.
- You all right?
- Give me a minute.
What are you looking at?
I'm worried that
I'm in a Hitchcock film.
What do you mean?
The birds are coming
back to Port Talbot.
That's nice. You all right?
- Just adjusting. You all right?
- Yeah, not bad.
Started spelling words backwards
in your head yet?
I have a bit, yeah.
Have you tried Finsbury Park?
- It's Krap Yrubsnif!
- I almost had it.
Krap Yrubsnif!
I shouldn't be telling you,
you're the one who does it.
It's not a skill set, it's a compulsion.
Anna's got me painting.
- Oh, is she there with you?
- Yeah, she is.
We were up early this morning
to capture the dawn.
Well, our family all sketched
pineapples yesterday.
Oh.
How did you get on?
I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
- Seems fair.
- Right.
One second.
BIRDS CONTINUE TWEETING
I see you, you little feathered shit.
HE BANGS ON WINDOW, BIRD FLAPS AWAY
Very good.
Yeah. And yours?
- You did that?
- Yeah, just this morning.
- Fuck off!
- What?
- You did not paint that this morning.
- Yes, I did.
- You did not paint that this morning.
- I did!
I don't believe you.
- You drew the pineapple.
- My pineapple is shit.
- Oh, it just needs a bit of shading.
- Oh, shut up.
Little charcoal.
When did you learn so much about art?
- I learned it for a role.
- Which role?
David Frost.
What, could he paint?
Are you angry with
me for having a hobby?
Evidently, yeah.
Yeah, can I moot an idea with you?
You don't use the word "moot".
Yeah, I do.
I've never heard you
use that word before.
I mean, I have, historically,
I have used it.
Simon uses that word.
Does he?
Sorry, Simon wants to rehearse a play
over the internet?
- It'll be fun, it's a funny play.
- Is it?
We'll make it funny.
- You know Simon speaks Italian?
- I speak Italian.
We all speak Italian,
everyone speaks Italian.
So, come on, what do you think?
Are you up for it?
Oh
Hang on a minute. Thanks, babe.
Is that Did Anna just bring you
wine, Michael?
- Hi, David.
- Hi, Anna.
- Hi, good to see you.
- And you. It's a bit early, isn't it?
What time did you get up this morning?
Um about eight.
Yeah, well, I was up at five
for the dawn.
So I'm three hours ahead of you
and it's after six. Cheers!
Did Michael show
you his painting, David?
He did, yeah. Yeah.
Isn't it stunning?
I can scarcely believe it.
We're discussing Six Characters
In Search Of An Author.
Oh, yeah, I heard about
the cancellation, David.
That's such a shame.
David's not ready to give up on it yet.
He has an idea to cast it,
and then rehearse it like this.
Could that work?
Well, I mean, in theory, you know.
And then we're ahead of everyone else.
When all the theatres reopen, we get
our pick of the West End houses.
If the birds haven't taken over by then.
Has he told you about the birds?
- He mentioned a growing militia, yeah.
- When will they reopen?
What are we going to do, just
meet up every day ad infinitum?
"Morning, David." "Morning, Michael."
"There's nothing to be done."
"I'm beginning to come round
to that opinion."
I mean, it's like something
out of the damn play.
You don't do well in confinement,
do you?
Look, here's how I see it, OK?
Firstly, we are not going anywhere,
so it's a good way
to exercise our brain for
a couple of hours every day.
Secondly Nice to
see Anna, by the way.
Yes. She's still here, so
She's just rooting around for
something in the cupboard,
so don't say anything rude.
Oh, your fly's undone.
Lucky you.
Secondly, I get to spend
some time with a mate.
If something comes out of
the other end of it, wonderful.
If it doesn't, we've read
the play a few times.
- We've got to know a great author.
- Pirandello was a fascist.
- Was he?
- Yes.
Well, most writers were
fairly dubious people.
I mean, look at the Marquis de Sade.
- Look at Nabokov.
- Hemingway.
Orwell.
Adolf Hitler.
- Shakespeare!
- Shakespeare?
Yeah, he was a
rapacious, litigious landlord.
Yeah, but he'd stopped
writing by then, hadn't he?
Maybe. Ooh.
- Pirandello was a fascist, you know.
- Why do you say that?
Well, the play was first
performed under Mussolini in 1921.
Mussolini only came to power in 1922.
So Pirandello couldn't
have been a fascist
because the National Fascist Party
didn't exist in Italy
until a year later.
Well, I still don't think
he was very funny.
Simon has worked really hard on this.
It's a big deal for him,
working with you. He said that.
- Really?
- Yeah, he's always saying that.
He's always banging on
about your Hamlet.
You should hear him.
Life-changing, that was, for him,
he said, when he saw it. Yeah.
He was absolutely thrilled
when you said you'd come on board.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Oh.
MOBILE VIBRATES
David, hi.
I'm going to set up
a video call with all three of us.
Is Michael on board?
He wants to hear about it from you.
OK.
Did you see his Hamlet?
No.
Ummm
All right, never mind.
Right, stand by, I'll sort it out.
VIDEO CALL RINGTONE
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Afternoon, all. Great to see you.
- Afternoon, all.
- Afternoon, David.
- Good to see you.
ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
- Shall I start?
- You should start, Simon.
- Sorry, David, you go ahead.
- No, you should start.
- I wasn't saying anything.
- David?
Simon.
- Well, this is hardly Shakespearean.
- OK, well, I'll start, yeah?
OK. David, thanks for sorting this out.
Michael, it's lovely to see you again.
I know that you've got some questions.
Why don't I just try and
summarise where we're at
and then we can take it
from there? Sound all right?
Fine by me.
Yeah.
OK, so I'm suggesting that
we carry on casting this thing
and we rehearse it like this.
It won't feel natural,
but we could discuss the play
and maybe even stage
a little bit of it, and we might find
that we've got something people
need when this whole thing passes.
Why do you want to do this, Simon?
- Honestly?
- Honestly.
ERROR TONE
Oh.
Oh.
Hmm.
I think he was about
to talk about your Hamlet.
- I want my name first.
- What?
- On the poster.
- There isn't a poster.
"Michael Sheen and David Tennant
in Six Characters".
- No.
- Why not?
- You were first in Good Omens.
- So?
So it's my turn.
God, that's so childish.
- It's not about turns.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't!
- Yes, it is.
It's about alphabetical order.
- No, it isn't.
- Yes, it is.
Sheen comes before Tennant.
David comes before Michael.
- That's not how it works.
- So that's one point each.
- Have you got a middle name?
- Yeah.
What is it?
- John.
- Christopher!
Christopher! Fuck off.
Two points to moi. Un point to you.
- You made that up.
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah.
- What are you doing?
I'm checking Wikipedia.
Oh, for
HOLLYWOOD VOICEOVER:
Michael Christopher Sheen
and David John Tennant in Six
Characters In Search Of An Author.
It also says you're a cu