Starstruck (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1
- No.
- Why not?
- I don't want to.
- You have to.
- I write my own destiny.
- Look, being sad
doesn't make you interesting.
- I am not sad.
I just don't observe
the Western notion
of the "New Year."
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
I celebrate the Chinese
New Year actually.
- Oh, right.
Okay.
When is Chinese New Year?
- May, is it?
- Right.
I genuinely don't have time
for this.
I look amazing,
and you look okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'll see you in there.
- Wha--no!
Fine.
Fine.
Fine!
You're breaking my balls here.
- Yes!
Happy new year!
Whoo!
Okay, baby.
We're gonna have a good night.
- It's gonna be a really
interesting year for currency.
There's gonna be so--
there's so many currencies now
which are just on the up,
you know?
I mean, you have to know
which to go for.
Aluminum.
You got to invest in aluminum.
That's the big one.
Then gold.
Bitcoin is--
I know it's a cliché--
but Bitcoin is the one.
I mean, that's the interesting
thing about Bitcoin.
It really is
the people's currency.
- Oh, I love it!
- Mm.
Another round?
- Yes!
Yes.
I'm sorry, yes, yes.
Um, I would love
another gin and tonic.
- Okay.
- I'll have a glass
of red wine.
- Ooh.
[laughs]
- Oh, I will also have that--
a glass of red wine--
in addition
to the gin and tonic.
- No problem.
Whatever the lady wants.
[all laughing]
- Oh, my God.
[electronic dance music]
- Just so you know,
I'm only interested in Kate.
- Yeah, okay.
- Just Kate.
- Copy that.
- Thanks.
- What was that?
- He thinks you're fit.
- Oh, my God!
That's electric.
- Kate!
Shall we get
espresso martinis?
- [giggles]
- Yeah!
♪
- Hello?
My name is Jessie.
I just need to pee.
I'm a very normal girl.
[urine pattering]
[muted rock music]
♪
Poor Donna.
James, James Bond.
[laughs]
What are you doing?
You're drunk.
You're drunk.
Jessie is drunk.
Yeah!
[toilet flushing]
Ope.
[chuckles awkwardly]
Hilo--hello.
- Hi, Jessie.
- How did you know my name?
- You've said it a number of
times since you came in here.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right.
What were you doing in there?
- Peeing.
- Pee--but you can do it
standing up.
- Yeah, I treated myself
to a sit down one.
- Being able to pee
standing up is a gift.
Wha--
[sighs]
You would pee
in a gift horse's mouth?
- Yeah, I would.
- Disgusting.
- You know, it's Bond,
James Bond.
You were doing it
the wrong way around.
- That was actually
a private conversation.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Okay.
No worries.
- You were right
about one thing though.
- [laughs]
- You do seem drunk.
- Okay.
[door creaks, thuds]
[sighs]
Da!
Ope.
- So is it an actual coin?
- Uh, uh, no?
Uh, no.
- Right.
- It--yeah.
- So it's like modern day.
- Yeah, yeah.
It's kind of like a modern--
you know,
it's a modern currency.
It's a modern currency.
- So if I said,
"Can I have some bit?"
- Yeah, I'd say, "Yes, please,
come to my office right away."
[both laugh]
- Yeah, I'm sorry.
I'm just joking.
I--people say I kind of
random sense of humor.
- What?
♪
- You're funny.
- I--oh, that's
my library card.
I like to read.
[chuckles]
I've got some more in here.
♪
[laughs]
Bathroom!
- Hey.
Hello again.
- Yeah.
I know you.
Do you work at the
Shepherd's Bush Superdrug?
- No.
- What?
[laughs]
That's crazy.
Okay, well, there is someone
who works there
who looks exactly like you.
- He's not me.
- Okay.
- Is he good-looking?
- Say what?
- Superdrug guy.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
Schmokin'.
Awooga!
- Okay.
Well, thanks.
♪
- No, it's--I mean
the Superdrug guy was hot.
- But you said
I look just like him.
- No--I mean, I feel like
you've got
a similar essence to him.
- What?
- You have a similar essence.
- Oh, right.
You didn't say "essence."
You said "issance."
- Ha ha ha.
Funny.
I've got a funny accent.
Great.
all: Ten, nine, eight
- I don't wanna lose my spot.
all: Seven, six
- Fair enough.
- You don't have to kiss me
or anything.
- Genuinely didn't cross
my mind.
[all cheer]
- [moans]
Should we split this
or should I put some money
into your account or--
- No, it's fine.
Don't worry.
I've got it.
- Okay.
[both moaning]
- Do you wanna have sex?
- We're having sex.
- Yeah, I know,
but do you want to?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
I'm just checking
it's not a mistake.
- It's not a mistake.
- Okay.
All right.
[both grunting]
- Wait--do you wanna be
having sex?
- Yeah.
You?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Great.
Whoo.
All right.
[both moan]
[soft jazz music]
♪
[laughs]
♪
[quietly]
What the fuck?
Oi.
- Yeah?
- What's your name?
- You don't know my name?
- I know who you are.
- Yeah.
I should hope so.
- You're the guy
from the thing.
Um
- What?
- I just--oh, my--
oh, my God.
Ah.
What the hell?
How could you not tell me this?
- What do you mean?
- Who you are, what you do.
- I did actually.
- What do you do?
- I'm an actor.
- Oh.
No thanks.
When did we eat cereal?
- Why are you wearing
my coat?
- This is the worst thing
that's ever happened to me.
- Okay, I'm not sure
why you're freaking out.
- Oh, my God.
Ooh.
Ooh.
I can't believe
I let you go down on me.
- Let me?
You told me to.
- Well, you shouldn't
have done it.
'Cause if I'd have known
who you were,
I would not have
let that happen.
- You didn't seem to mind
last night.
- Well--
[scoffs]
I was acting.
- No, you weren't.
Were you?
- No, no.
[scoffs]
Well, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, I'm--yeah.
I was,
only 'cause I can't--
I can't, you know,
when I'm tipsy.
And soI still enjoyed it.
- Okay.
Yeah.
- Sorry.
- No, no.
It's fine.
I mean
[laughs]
Same, you know?
- Yeah.
Sorry.
What do you mean by that?
- I mean
[scoffs]
I didn't
either, you know?
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
- Mm.
I'm pretty sure you did.
- No, I really didn't.
- No, you did.
- No.
- What?
So you faked it?
- Yeah.
I guess.
- [scoffs]
I can't--I can't believe this.
- What--you just told me you
did exactly the same thing.
- [exhales]
I must not have been
giving it my all.
- Mm, I think you were trying
pretty hard.
- Sorry, no offense,
but you didn't see me
at full tilt obviously.
- Oh, I'm pretty sure
I saw it all.
- I think,
if you would have seen it all,
you would know.
- Really?
- Mm.
Like you wouldn't
be able to walk.
- God, that sounds awful.
- Yeah, I know.
You'd be ruined
for other women.
- Hmm.
- Hm.
[laughs]
- Well, for the record,
I wasn't really trying either.
- Not true actually.
I specifically remember
you saying,
"This is some
of my best stuff."
- Yeah, I would never
have said that.
- Yeah, that was the subtext
of what you were saying.
I was reading
between the lines.
- Can you believe that
was still only 75%?
[light music]
Oh, my God.
Stop trying to win at kissing.
- You stop tying
to win at kissing.
I'm obviously better
at it than you.
[both laughing]
[doorbell buzzes]
♪
- Jesus.
You look like shit.
- Hey, it's New Year's Day.
What do you expect from me?
- To not show up to work
in last night's clothes.
- You know what, that is fair.
That is really fair.
Aren't you gonna ask though
why I haven't changed or?
- No.
- It's a great story though.
- Kids, Jessie's here.
- I thought we were
getting Shivani.
- Oh, my God, why don't
you just marry Shivani then?
- I don't wanna marry her.
- There's nothing
in the fridge.
I'm going to bed.
- All right.
Hand it over.
Come on.
Come on.
There we go.
Now who has seen "Goodfellas?"
- That's when I knew.
- Hey!
- I just knew--
- Where have you been?
- I texted you, didn't I?
- Ugh, I can't find my phone.
- So--
[laughs]
If I said the name
Tom Kapoor to you,
what would that kind of--
what response would
that kind of get?
- Hot.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
Well, you know he was there
last night.
- Oh.
That's exciting.
Hm.
- Yeah.
- What?
- [whispers]
Yeah.
- What?
Oh, my God!
- I know.
I know!
I know.
[both gasp]
- How did this happen?
No.
Tell me everything.
- I don't know.
I don't.
I mean genuinely I don't know.
I mean 'cause
I was quite drunk.
But I do remember
I kept asking him
if he wanted to do it, like,
while we were doing it.
- You do do that.
- Yeah.
But this morning,
I had sex with him again.
And Kate,
I was barely drunk that time.
- Oh, that is so sweet.
- Mm-hmm.
And--oh, yeah.
This is the best part.
Two hours later,
I got my period.
Like, what is that?
Touched by an angel.
Like, that's--
the timing of that.
- Will you see him again?
- Um, I don't know.
- You probably
won't see him again.
- [laughs]
Maybe I'll see him again.
- He's a famous actor,
and you're a little rat nobody.
- Oh, that's so harsh,
but it's true.
- Mm.
- But you know what?
What's done is done.
Like, he can't take it back.
I am forever a stain
on his sexual history.
- [squeals]
- I know!
I knew you were
gonna react like this.
- Ooh!
- Oh.
[laughs]
Whoa!
- Whoo!
- Oh.
[all chuckle]
- Wow, okay.
[all chuckle awkwardly]
- Yep.
- I'm gonna get
in the shower actually.
- Oh, yeah.
- Jill.
- Jessie.
- Yes.
- Close.
Really close.
Hey.
- Oh, yeah.
[both laugh]
- Your, um
Your toilet's
completely blocked.
- Popcorn and water.
That's 5.50.
Thank you.
[light jazz music]
- Your favorite film
is "Schindler's List?"
- Oh, no.
That's--this is
not my badge.
- 'Cause it's a pretty
obvious choice, no offense.
- Again, I'm not Mike.
That's not my
- Everything okay here?
- Yeah, totally.
I actually haven't even seen
"Schindler's List."
- You've never seen
"Schindler's List?"
- No.
No.
I've seen "Son of Saul."
That's devastating, isn't it?
- I can't believe you've
never seen "Schindler."
[scoffs]
What is your favorite film?
- Uh, I don't know, man.
"Rush Hour 2."
It's a great, great flick.
Your film is starting now.
- Good chat, Mike.
- [groans]
- What a dick.
- What is wrong with me?
I kind of loved that.
That was hot.
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
- Oh.
- I actually love
the "Rush Hour" franchise.
- Tom?
- Hi.
- Hi!
It's crazy.
I work just there.
- Yeah, I just--
I remember you said
you worked at a cinema
in Hackney.
But there are a lot of cinemas
in Hackney.
But then I remembered you said
it was near the Overground,
so yeah.
- Wow.
[laughs]
Good work, Detective Morse.
[laughs]
Inspector Morse.
Yeah, he's not a detective.
He's an inspector.
- [laughs]
- What are you doing here?
- Actually, um,
you left this at my flat.
- Oh.
Ah.
That's not mine.
- Really?
- No.
I'll have it though.
- [laughs]
Okay.
Well, that's weird.
I came to return this.
It's not yours.
And now I look
like a psycho so
[both laugh]
I should probably head off.
- Okay.
All right.
Bye.
- Yeah, see ya.
- [laughs]
I'm so sorry.
I am--I'm walking
this way as well.
Yeah.
- Oh, okay.
- I--yeah--I'm so--
so I can walk a bit with you?
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.
[both laugh]
- Probably good actually.
It'll be good.
Just in case some crazy super
fan kills you on the way home.
- What if you kill me?
- Oh, please.
I'm not a fan.
But there is this
amazing abandoned warehouse
that I really wanna show you.
- Oh, yeah, I've actually
got a couple of auditions--
- Really?
They're probably listening
to us right now,
this conversation.
- The government?
- Yeah.
Big Brother's always watching.
Wake up, sheeple.
- Ooh, I hope they didn't just
hear you say "sheeple."
- [laughs]
I hope they did
so they can know
that I'm onto them.
[laughs]
- Do you wanna come in?
- Yes, no.
- I didn't mean for it
to sound like that.
Like I wanted something
to happen.
- No, no, no.
I do.
I want--I want to
have something--
have something happen.
- Oh, okay.
Cool.
Me too.
- Um, great.
No, I, um
I got my period this afternoon.
- For the first time?
- [laughs]
Yeah.
That's very funny.
You actually made me laugh.
I don't usually
find men funny,
so that's a real win for you.
[laughs]
No, I just--
I just wanted to flag it
because sometimes
people can be a bit--
- You do know I'm an adult man,
don't you?
- Wow.
I hope they heard
what you just said
for your sake.
That was great.
That was--
[laughs]
I liked--I liked that.
[laughs]
What about that?
How much did that cost?
- I don't know.
- Mm.
What about that?
- I'm not sure.
It was just here
when I got the place.
- How much was this cup?
- Yeah, it's rude to talk
about money, you know?
- Well, silence is a tool
of the oppressor.
- Uh-huh.
And what do you mean by that?
- I don't know,
but it sounds true,
and it sounds quite smart,
so that's why I said it.
- So, um, do you like
working at the cinema?
- [laughs]
So do you like being an actor?
- What?
- No, sorry, sorry.
It's just sort of
a weird question.
- Well, I just wanna know
things about you.
- Why?
- So I can describe you
to the police
when you steal my cup.
- Ah.
I won't--I won't steal it.
- What are you parents' names?
- David and Liz.
- And which one
do you like more?
- Um, my mum, I guess.
But I ruined her body,
so she's earned my loyalty
in a way.
[laughs]
Mm-hmm.
- Do you wanna ask me anything?
- [laughs]
Yes.
Sorry.
Yeah, of course.
Um, okay.
What is your favorite color?
- Blue.
- Cool.
Okay.
Um, what is your
second favorite color?
- Oh, come on.
- No, I--
That's a good question
to be fair.
I feel like it says
a lot about someone,
what their second favorite is,
you know?
- My second favorite color
is green.
You have five minutes
to think of a better question.
- Okay.
Fine.
[sighs]
[door closes]
[shower pattering]
[phone vibrates]
Charge your phone,
you dumbass.
- You know what?
Can I change my answer?
I don't think blue is
my favorite color anymore.
I can't hear you thinking.
Come on.
Next question.
[camera shutters snapping]
- Over here.
Over here.
- Homewrecker.
- Homewrecker!
- Homewrecker!
- Oh, wait!
Wait!
It's just the cleaner.
[indistinct chatter]
- Yeah.
Yeah, sorry.
[laughs]
- Sorry, love.
- Yeah.
[laughter]
- It's an honest job.
- Thank you.
Have a great day.
[light music]
- Jessie?
♪
Jessie?
♪
- [scoffs]