Still Game (2002) s01e01 Episode Script

JACK: Come here, you.
(CHUCKLING) WOMAN: What's this? You put sugar in my tea, you prick! Are you trying to poison me? So who does take sugar in their tea then, eh? Ye whore maister, ye.
Who have you been shagging about with now? Where do you think you're going? Come back here the nou.
I'm not finished with you yet! You're getting it! What are you looking at? Do you want some of what this useless bastard's getting? Morning.
Get in there and make another cup of tea, you.
(SIGHING) Jesus, Jack! What the hell happened to ye? Never mind, Victor.
Pub? Aye.
Put that in.
Gie us a box of your Curly Wurlies off ye.
No.
Right, Revels then.
No, beat it.
Don't you listen to they wee bastards.
Right youse, on your way.
No.
Come on, take a telling.
Listen to this old rocket.
Come ahead.
I'll set me boy Joe here on you.
Ooh! He's a boxer.
I can tell that.
Taking all those boxes into the shop.
His hands are classified as dangerous weapons.
Are your specs classified and all? Ye specky old bastard.
Right, Joe, see these wee tadgers off.
Right, lads, come on now, let's just wrap this pish, eh? And we can I'm the same, you're a pie.
- Easy.
- ALL: Easy, easy.
Well done.
He caught me off guard, Grandad.
Happens to the best of them, Joe boy.
What happened? A gang of neds jumped young Joe here.
One of them got lucky and landed one right in his bread basket.
Is the van locked? Thanks, Navid, for your concern.
The van's emptied.
Right, well done, Joe.
(GRUNTING) There's your purse.
So when is the big fight? Saturday.
Oh Can you put this up? You will be coming, aye? Aye, let me just check me diary.
Meena, you fancy this? See the boy fight on Saturday? (SPEAKING PUNJABl) Oh, that's too bad, we got a prior engagement.
(SPEAKING PUNJABl) Funeral.
VICTOR: Och, I'm telling you, Jack, you want to get on to the council.
Have a word, get a new place and get to hell oot of there.
JACK: Aye, I know.
I'm getting bloody sick here.
It's like living in the bastarding Bronx.
Och, you've got that arsehole living next door, the Beverly Hillbillies living above ye.
They want to drop a canister on this entire place and start again.
Do you mind what this place used to be like when they built it at first? "Craiglang, developing for the future.
" Aye, aye, "Craiglang, modernity beckons.
" "Craiglang, tomorrow's already here.
" "Craiglang" - Shitehole! - Shitehole! Here now, I'll tell you what would be ideal.
No! For the umpteenth time, you're no moving in with me.
Come on now, Victor, you know you've got the bloody space.
That's right, Jack, and that's the way I like it, see? Nice and spacey.
Come on, that spare room would do me lovely.
What are you talking about, man? I use that for Och! I'm never oot of there.
Never oot of it? Right, okay then, tell me what you've got in there at the minute.
Bed and sideboard.
Would that be the same bed and sideboard the Cleansing Department took away last year? Oh, aye.
I've got that matchbox racing circuit thingy set up in there for my wee Jamie.
That's right.
Silly me.
Jamie that's 30 year old, lives in Johannesburg, married.
Things are rocky in Jo'burg.
He could be back any day now.
That's a load of pish.
That room's lying doing hee haw.
Aye, well, just don't hold your breath waiting on any invite.
Oh, Jesus, it's them two.
Keep your head down, they havenae seen us.
VICTOR: Who? JACK: Winston and that bloody boy, Jersey Joe.
Oh, he's gonna railroad us into going to that boy's boxing match next week.
Aye, that will be bloody right.
- Come on, we'll do a runner.
- Never mind.
Look, we'll never outrun a racer.
No, here, Jack, we'll just tell him straight, "Piss off, we're no going.
" That's right.
You listen to us, Winston, your boy couldnae fight sleep.
Your grandson couldnae hit water if he fell oot of a boat.
That's right, aye.
So, get it up ye, we're no going.
- Easy.
- Done.
(BRAKES SQUEAKING) Here, are you coming to the fight? BOTH: Oh, aye, aye (BOTH MUMBLING) So, who's gien you a black eye this time, son? Here, wrap that.
Joe's gonna win the fight, aren't you, Joe boy? Aye, and we'll be there to support you, Picasso.
Picasso? Aye, he spent a lot of time on the canvas, too.
WINSTON: Right, you two, that's enough.
Joe's coming along just fine by my training.
Now, you're definitely going? - Absolutely! You can count on us.
- Aye, oh, aye.
Yes, indeed.
Yes, yes.
- Do we have to go? - Aye, do we have to go? Listen, he's my grandson, for goodness sake.
He needs all the support he can get.
- Right.
- Right.
Right, Joe boy, on your way.
Another two miles to the school.
I'll see you there in two hours.
What've you got there, Winston? Towel and trunks.
Senior citizens' splash session every Tuesday.
Hey, that's the way forward now.
I'm telling you.
You get Let me see now, you get cardiovascular, star jumps, floating boards - Pruned balls - Pensioners pishing in the water.
What would you two know about it? The only exercise you get are your tongues wagging the whole time.
Och away and raffle your doughnut, Johnny Weissmuller.
Aye, piss off, Tarzan.
See youse next week! - Right.
- Right.
(VICTOR AND JACK HUMMING) What're you for? Lager? Two pints of lager, mate.
That youse breaking for lunch, boys, eh? The community centre will be nearly finished, eh? Aye, just about.
Cheers, mate.
I was in the building trade myself, many, many years.
Then the old arthritis kicked in.
Boof! That was that, end of story.
I mean, look at that.
- L1.
90.
- L1.
90? Is that what that is now, is it? This bloody hand, you know, trying to get into this pocket.
I'll gie it a bloody shot.
I'll get that, mate.
- Well, are you sure? - Aye.
It's all right.
Oh, thank you for that.
That Club you're smoking, is it? Thank you very much.
Thank you.
Right, come here, you.
Oh, here comes Francie and Josie.
- Shut up, dick! - Shut up, dick! For the millionth time, it's Bobby.
What would you like? Now, that is a big question.
What would we like, Victor? Oh, what would we like, Jack? We would like it to be warmer in here.
Yes, and for the decor to be a wee bit more inviting.
And to lose the stale smell of pish.
And for you to be an 18-year-old bird with big tits.
We would like to come in here and no want to kill ourselves.
To drink? - Two lagers.
- Two lagers.
Eh, would you mind getting this, Victor? Certainly, Jack.
I'm trying to keep my small change to tip the concierge in the lavatory, who will, no doubt, offer me an array of expensive colognes from around the world.
Now, to lunch.
What delights do you have on offer from your varied and extensive menu? Pies.
Oh, pies! Do you hear that, Jack? They have pies.
Oh, that's dandy, because I was getting sick of that lobster thermidor, you know.
When was the last time we had pies, Jack? Hmm, yesterday.
Och, well, pies it is, then.
Two pies as they come.
Yes, as per usual, frozen in the middle and red hot round the outside.
- Irresistible.
- Mmm.
Tam? Could you go a pie? Aye, a pie, aye.
Aye, well, come back tomorrow and get it out of there.
Ye poaching bastard.
- Victor! - Oh, Jesus, Isa.
Didn't see you coming in there, Isa.
Saw the pair of youse coming in there.
Have you forgot about the wake? Whose wake? Old Mr Hannigan.
Och, tae Old man Hannigan, your next-door neighbour.
Is he dead? Aye.
How did you no tell me? To hell with him, Jack.
Naebody on the landing's spoken to him in years.
Since he took a penalty kick at Isa's cat.
Aye, right enough, aye.
He was a prick.
Hmm.
Here, does that mean that flat will be up for grabs? I would say so.
Nae family visits him.
That would do me lovely moving in there, aye.
Come on, we'll go up that wake.
That'll gie me a chance to get a swatch of the place, you know.
Oh, Jesus, here we go again.
No, listen, Victor, it'll be smashing, you and me on the same landing.
"Morning, Victor.
" "Morning, Jack.
" "I'm away into my house.
" "So am I.
" It's magic, the two amigos, aye.
The three amigos, I'm on the landing and all.
Maybe you're better where you are, Jack.
Aye, right enough, aye.
I'm going for a pish.
Get the drinks, son.
You got a measuring tape in the house? - Aye, you want to lend your black tie? - Aye.
- Come on.
- Come on.
Ah, Charlie, my boy.
How are you? How's that lovely wife of yours? Och, she's laid up.
Food poisoning! Smashing advert for you.
- Eh? - Nothing.
Now, I'll tell you what I'm after.
A lend of a chicken.
For the boy to chase about, like the Rocky movies.
Take a loan of that.
It's the only one he'll catch.
He's rank rotten.
Shut your hole.
See, that's typical of the attitude of people around here.
There's no sense of community.
No sense of pulling together.
That boy out there represents hope.
No just for you or for me, but for the whole district.
For the city For the world.
It's that kind of attitude that's seen this country go without a champion for donkey's years.
It's not about what you take out.
It's about what you put in.
Aye, I'm sorry, Winston.
Put that in the boy.
Beef him up.
Don't say I didnae do my bit.
Thank you.
Right, Joe.
I'm starving, Grandad.
Aye, you must be, right enough.
I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll take you down the Clansman and get you a plate of chips.
(VICTOR AND JACK SIGHING) Right.
Come here.
- There you go.
That's you now.
- Is that me? Good, good, good.
Put that away, ye clown.
Oh, dear.
Dear, oh, dear me, no.
No, no, no.
A bloody rabbit hutch.
(CLEARING THROAT) Oh, no, that's very disappointing.
Jack.
- What? - What the bloody hell are ye doing? I was just thinking this place is a lot smaller than I imagined it would be.
Aye, well, it'll be a good deal bigger when this isnae here, eh? Oh, I Fair enough.
Sorry.
Right.
Scran time, eh? Oh, I'm very, very sad to hear about that.
Terrible business, going suddenly like that.
Aye, and him with no family, too.
Aye.
JACK: Aye, it's a grim day, right enough.
Uh-huh, yes.
(JACK AND VICTOR CLEARING THROATS) Fifteen feet.
Fifteen feet, five yards.
Ow, ya bastard! (GROANING) Never done that! Lethal weapons, them.
Jesus! Stop shoving.
- Get in there, ye half wit.
- For goodness sake Right, bathroom suite.
One, avocado.
Uh-huh, shower? One, seven kilowatt, electric.
- Check the loo, Jack.
- Oh, aye.
Good order.
(FLUSHING) Oh, nice action.
Let us in there for a wee seat.
- Oh, very nice.
- Right.
Right.
I'm sorry, excuse me.
It's all right, Father.
We're all done.
Wait, Father All right, Jack, let's collate the notes.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
There's your bonus ball right there.
Oh, a peephole.
I love peepholes.
Here, wait outside, right, and gie us a wee shot at it.
Right you are.
You're on.
JACK: Can you see me now? Och, gie us a chance to get my eye up to the bloody hole, eh, Jack.
Oh, there ye are.
Can you see me now? Aye.
- Can you see me now? - Aye.
- Can you see me now? - Just your leg.
Right.
Open the door, for I am a bogus gas man with fake ID, and I'm here to ransack your house! There'll be no ransacking of homes today.
For this peephole has been your undoing! On your way, rogue! Open this door, I say, you old pensioner! No! Open the door, I say, and open it now! I tell you, no! Could you open the door, please? Absolutely.
Boo! Grandad.
What is it, Joe boy? What about my chips? You'll get your chips soon enough.
Keep skipping.
But, Grandad (SHUSHING) Hello, Lucy, darling, it's Winston here.
I'll tell you what it is.
I'm looking for a robe for my boy Joe's fight on Saturday.
Eh? Right, that's enough.
He's no a big jessie.
Okay, then.
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Big jessie.
Cheeky cow.
He wasnae such a bad guy, old Hannigan.
Och, I suppose you're right, Jack, aye.
Quite kind-hearted really.
Remember he fitted those draft excluders to all the old pensioners' houses? Indeed he did, aye, free of charge.
Built Isa's kitchen for nothing more than a cup of tea and a thank you.
Aye, he never really stole any time off anybody.
Bit of a gentleman, really.
Aye.
Here, Victor.
What do we have to say to these monkeys in order for me to get this old bastard's house.
Aye.
Do you think we're being a wee bit premature, Jack? I mean, they haven't even planted him yet.
Ah, pish! Aye, he who hangeth about getteth hee haw! Right, Confucius, come on.
Oh, Mr Jarvis, Mr McDade.
How are you? How are you, Jackie boy? And more to the point, how is your old dad doing? Oh, he's still flying pigeons.
Oh, aye.
Andy and his pigeons, eh? Oh, he's pigeon-daft, old Andy.
Aye.
Everyday, come rain, hail or snow, he's always up there I'm needing a move.
Oh, right.
Have you seen a place? Aye, I have, up beside him.
Osprey Heights.
Osprey Heights? Aye, old Hannigan's place.
- Is he deid? - Aye, well deid.
- How long's the place been empty? - Half an hour.
You don't waste much time, do you? Nope.
He who hangs about getteth Hey.
So am I getting it? Well, what would usually happen is I'd need to speak to the housing manager.
(SIGHING) Why don't you try speaking to Rabbie Burns? Actually, Mr McDade, that's the Lord Ilay.
Oh, I always thought that was Burns.
Erm Maybe we're not making ourselves entirely clear.
(JACK CHUCKLING) VICTOR: Ho, ho, ho! - Money talks.
- Bullshit walks.
- Oh, shite.
- Oh, shite.
Come on, Jackie, do us a turn.
Aye, come on, Jackie.
I mean, it's not as if I'm jumping the queue.
I'm leaving a lovely place behind me.
(SIGHING) We wouldnae be having this bloody bother if you would just let me move in with ye.
You're no moving in with me.
I'll be buggered if I'm spending the last of my days watching you tuimming my biscuit tin.
That biscuit tin is aye empty.
That's 'cause you've never got your fat hands oot it! Hey, now.
I'll get my collar felt for doing this but I can get you the keys, and you can sign the missives on Wednesday.
Does that gie you enough time for a flittin'? Oh, Wednesday's a bit fast.
Aye.
So, is that it, then? Well, that's that, and I'll see you Wednesday.
Could the That fiver be got? Here you.
Hey, hey! That's the fellow you want there, aye.
That's your fellow.
Lovely.
No, tip it up.
Tip it.
- Fiver.
- Aye, Eric, I'll be there in a minute.
Bobby, there's me put four and a half quid into that cigarette machine and nothing came oot.
You cannae get fags out a fruit machine, Tam.
Here, Joe, is it Barry Drummond you're fighting tonight, eh? Aye.
My Kelly Anne used to go with him.
Aye, she came oot of Reflections with him one night.
Somebody called his ma a cow.
Oh, he went mental.
Aye, set about four bouncers.
And one of them lost an eye.
Then the polis turned up.
He leathered both of them.
Oh, smashed ribs and everything.
Oh, he's an animal.
Mind you, he'd had a drink in him.
So you'll probably be all right, yeah.
You no wanting them, son, no? To me.
Right, Joe boy.
Here's me got you the gown for the big fight tonight.
Let's see you in it now.
There, that's a smasher.
See, it's no new, but it's a good yin.
It'll last you ages.
Oh, son, you're no wearing that, are ye? It's bad luck.
How? Well, it's just that everybody that's worn that's been humped! All right, Jack boy.
Oh, there you are.
Where have you been? You said you were going to come and give me a dig oot.
Och, I was waylaid with Uh, old Mrs Mrs, you know with the Bookies.
Aye, bookies.
Anyway, I'm here now.
What's left to do? I've got to gut out that fridge.
Come on.
Jesus, Jack, there's a lassie on this tin.
It's well past its sell by.
Oh, aye.
Mind you, they didnae put sell-by dates on them way back then, no, no.
- So it'll be okay, then? - Oh, aye.
So that's your whack? Aye, that's it, aye.
Seven boxes, this couch, the beds, couple of bits of furniture.
Eh, six boxes.
What? That's a poly bag.
Doesnae count.
Well, it's not much, is it? Well, it might not be much to you, but That's my memories.
All your memories in six lousy boxes, eh? If you ever write your memoirs, it'll be a bloody pamphlet.
Shut your hole.
Seventy-four years on the planet and this is all you've amassed? And what have you got, eh, Jack? Utter shite.
What's the matter with ye? You're right.
It is shite.
See, after Jean died, I got rid of a lot of stuff, you know.
The only reason I kept that was because her mother bought her it, you know.
She loved that thing.
After I buried her, you know, everything I looked at reminded me of her, you know.
So I just got shot of a lot of things.
You know, that display cabinet, the whatnot that used to sit over there, all they wee fancies that used to sit round there.
Even that twin tub in the kitchenette, you know, I couldnae look at it.
So I just got shot of the lot of it.
Thought I'd start again.
But I never got started again, did I? That's why that's all I have.
Here, Jack, onwards and upwards, eh? Jesus! WINSTON: Keep coming now! That's it, back it right up, son! Plenty of room, on you go, whoa! WINSTON: That's you.
Right, come on, you.
Here we go.
Oh, is that your van? Who's doing your move? Pickfords? Pickfords, och away, for Christ's sake.
No, no, Winston's organised it.
A couple of fellas frae the Clansman are doing it for L20 and a pint.
Every penny's a prisoner.
Eh? Nothing.
Right, get your skates on.
The boys are here with me and Joe's gonna gie us a hand.
- He could be doing with the weight training.
- Aye, aye, aye, come on.
Aye, you'll no be sorry to see the back of this place, eh? With them bastards next door? Aye, you and I are gonna get on fine living next door to one another, Jack.
I'll tell you that for free.
Probably better that I don't move in with you, eh? Ho, ho, ho.
Aye, aye, next door's close enough.
Here, what're you doing with that? Oh, I'm gonna make the boys a cup of tea for half time.
Ask them what they want.
I'm saying I'm making a cup of tea for half time.
What do you Half time? We're done.
Here, I've just remembered, that big bastard next door's still got my garden shears.
Victor, away you go and get them for me.
I'll We'll go together.
What the hell are you wanting garden shears at the high flats for anyway? Good point.
You wouldnae get that at Pickfords.
- Shut up.
- Shut up.
Right, is that us? Aye, that's us.
Good.
Now, you know the road, aye? Osprey Heights.
Along there, bang, bang, bang, turn right, three blocks, eighteenth floor.
(ENGINE STRUGGLING) Better gie it a push, lads.
(GRUNTING) (ENGINE STARTING) Weird feeling seeing your whole life rolling away in a van like that.
Off to new horizons, Jack.
Clansman? There we go.
Really is very nice of you to have me staying like this.
Soon as you get a bed, you're oot on your arse.
Understood.
Is that an electric blanket you've got? Mmm-hmm.
It's lovely.
I'm all roasty-toasty.
- Feet.
- Oh, sorry.
We'll need to buy mair biscuits in the morning.
You bastard.
It's about to start.
Come on, Joe boy! Joe, Joe.
(BELL RINGING) Come on, come on, son.
Come on, Joe boy.
Nail him.
Come on, Joe! Get stuck in, son! Keep your guard up, Joe, Joe! Keep your guard up.
(PUNCH) (THUD)