Strangers with Candy (1999) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[SHOES SQUEAKING]
Okay
First of all,
I want you all to know
you make me sick.
And I'm sure there's
something I could bust
each and every one of you little
mother-lovers for.
And frankly,
I'd love nothing more
than to see each and every one
of you in prison.
But hey, I've been asked
not to talk about my fantasies,
so I'm going to talk to you
about street drugs.
This little tin right here
contains the whole rigmarole.
I got some
big fat doobies in here,
I got both your powdered
and crack cocaine,
I got your goofballs,
I got your peyote, amphetamines,
and also mood stabilizers.
Alright, so let's
pop a cork in the chatter
And watch the film.
Okay, first of all,
I'd like you to know
That you all make me sick.
So let's pop a cork
in the chatter
and watch the film.
Ooh!
Hello, I'm Jerri Blank
and I'm a 46-year-old
high school freshman.
For 32 years I was a
teenage runaway.
I was a boozer, a user,
and a loser.
My friends were dealers,
cons and 18-carat pimps.
But now I'm out of jail,
picking up my life exactly
where I left off.
I'm back in high school,
living at home,
and discovering all sorts
of things about my body.
I'm finding out that though
the faces have changed,
the hassles are just the same.
[ARRRRRGHHHH]
And meanwhile, our cousins from
the East were eating bowls of rice,
safely nestled in their
internment camps.
TEACHER:
Excellent report, Poppy.
It's important that we
never forget the atrocities
the Japanese committed
against our boys.
Okay, good job.
Jerri?
Are you ready with your report?
[CLEARS THROAT]
History has taught us
many things.
For example
I can't smoke one stick of pot,
or take one needle of coke.
One night
I'll make this quick
One night, I was thrown by
a horse
and I had to have a
laminectomy. Thank you, Jerri.
You all know the size of a
king-size sheet, right?
You try scrambling down that
in the dark
after a boot of scag
or a snort of horse
Really, Jerri, that's fine.
What was your report on again?
Brazil.
Thank you, Jerri.
Oh, real quick.
I need to know who's coming to
my party on Friday night.
Oh th-that's cool,
you can just tell me later
or just come.
We're serving hot fruit.
[BELL RINGS]
Alright, everybody, for tomorrow
read chapters 15 through 23.
"Rise of the Incas."
Jerri
Can you stay a minute?
Oh, I gotta leave early today.
Heh, I'm having my
uterus scraped.
Oh, I-uh I brought a note.
I know, I read the note.
We all
Read the note.
Jerri, I'm a little concerned
about all this party talk.
I think you should
be more concerned
with your failing grades.
Failing grades?!
We've only been
in school for 3 days!
I've calculated your
final grade point average
based on this morning's
geography pop quiz
And I'm afraid it all adds up
to you being held back.
But if I don't graduate
by the time I'm 50,
I'll be the laughing stock
of Flatpoint High.
Then I suggest you spend
a little bit more time
thinking about your grades
and a little less about parties.
I'm only having this party
so I can make some friends.
Jerri, let me give you
a little advice.
No one makes
friends with a failure.
Okay, you understand?
Now you run along and have fun.
Bye-bye.
Lock the door.
Hey, Poppy.
I see you haven't had a chance
to sign up for my party yet.
Oh, no.
I guess I haven't
had a chance yet.
Maybe now would be
a good time to do it.
You know, I'm a little busy.
Oh, you look really busy.
Gosh.
You want to do something
after school today?
Oh, y'know, Jerri, I can't
I'm being fitted for
the homecoming crown.
Maybe Saturday we could go to
"Ministrokes" and
play some putt-putt.
Oh, yeah, maybe not.
Hey, Jerri, what's up?
Way to go!
I was this close
getting Poppy to
sign up for the party.
Then you came and
you scared her away.
You don't want those girls
at your party anyway, Jerri.
You should hear the things
they say about your face
behind your back.
But if they don't come,
it's just gonna be you and me.
I mean, bring a book.
Oh, forget about it, let's
go to lunch, I'm starving.
I can't go to lunch.
I have to work on a paper.
Oh, boo-hoo.
I won't be dining
with a pan-faced chimp
I'll peel my own bananas.
Mr. Jellineck?
Uh-huh.
What are you painting?
Oh, just a little bit
of Americana
for Drug Awareness Week.
It's the Battle of Miami.
Got Columbus here
fighting the pilgrims
as they attempted to land.
Nice colors.
Can I talk to you for a second?
You know my door is always open.
What's on your mind?
Well, you seem like an outsider.
Ha, ha, ha ahhh
I'm an artist.
I'm having a hard time
fitting in and making friends.
Really? You have
such a beautiful brother.
Step-brother.
Oh, of course.
Listen to me, Jerri,
you know something,
you're a very special
person, you know that?
Yes, you are.
You're a joy to be around,
you're beautiful inside,
all you need to do to fit in
You just need to dig deep inside
and find out
what makes you unique.
Just dig around, like
a badger in a trash can.
A-ha, ha..
Yes!
And then just go
with what you know.
"Go with what you know."
Yes, go with what you know.
All right now?
Okay, you run along,
I got work to do.
Lock that door on the way out.
Shelly!
How's my favorite little turtle?
Come here, ahhhh, Shelly
I think Mr. Jellineck
was right.
I only wish I knew
what I had to offer.
Oh babies, I love you Shelly.
You're the only one
I can talk to.
I would just die if anything
ever, ever happened to you.
Let's go get you a badge,
because you know what?
It's "Shelly for President"!
Ha, ha, ha!
Can you imagine what type of
loser party she'll have?
[IMITATING JERRI]
"Hey guys, bring hot fruit."
BRITTANY:
Good joke, Poppy!
My God, we should go
just to have a good laugh.
Oh, hi, Jerri.
Oh hi.
Gosh, that's a nice outfit.
Where'd you get it?
I got it at the Comfort Zone.
Ohhh, really?
Well, you can't tell.
Why can't we just be friends?
Because people like you
and people like us
are never friends.
BRITTANY: She really thinks
we're going to be friends with her?
JERRI & JELLINECK:
Just go with what you know.
Who wants to go to a cock fight?
I'll drive!
A cock fight?
CODY: I don't
know. I'll see you later.
Hey, don't you girls hate it
when air gets
trapped in this region?
No?
I can make drugs.
Oh really, Jerri?
Is that a fact?
I could whip up a batch
tonight with my eyes closed.
It would make you trip
your tight little ass off.
Okay, Jerri.
Why don't you do that
and bring it to school
tomorrow, and uh
We'll just see.
Alrighty, we'll just see.
Oh, and Poppy,
I suggest you pack
a little bag because
Tomorrow you're going on
the trip of your life.
Ewwww!
Daddy?
Uh do you have a minute?
Hey, school went
really great today,
but, uh
I need to ask
you for some advice.
See, I've got this friend
You don't know her or anything,
she's a very
uh pretty girl,
outgoing, beautiful, gorgeous.
Anyway, this friend Uhh
Well all she really wants
is for people to like her, see,
and she thinks she
might have found a way,
even though it's illegal and
might violate my parole
Hey, Pops, can I have a
few bucks for some chow?
Thanks, Pops.
Hey, Jerr, I hear Anne
is coming to your party!
Really, Anne who?
Anne-Visible huh, huh.
No one is coming
to your party, plug.
Color me out of here.
Yeah, sleep lightly, ya pussy.
You're lucky Pop's here.
Expect me when you
least expect me.
Stupid blood fart!
Jerri!
Well, he is.
Look, Jerri, I don't
mean to butt in, but
Maybe you and Derrick
could co-host the party
What?
That way it will
be well-attended,
and you could, umm
go to bed early.
[SLAP]
Hey, Mom, it's me, Jerri.
It's not so bad making friends
with drugs, is it?
I mean, c'mon,
it always worked before.
In the old days I would turn
people on to hash or Thai-stick
or a palm full of
goofballs, or 'ludes
God, they don't
make those anymore.
Sometimes this would
do the trick.
Stoney and I would
go over to Buckles,
and Puff would turn us on
to a hot load of mescaline
crumbled into a tumbler of ether
with a float of Percocet jimmys.
Mmmm!
I'd wake up with blood on
my ass, and then we'd get high.
God, those were some good times!
Mmm!
So Jerri,
you all talk or what?
Why don't you see,
ahhh, what this has to say, huh?
What is it?
Well, street name's "glint,"
but it's also known
as "glow," "glimmer,"
or "satan's harelip."
You just, uh, rub it
On your lips.
Yeah, and then what?
That's it.
Then just relax
and let it take you away.
Hmm?
Go easy there, Poppy
Gosh, I've never seen anyone
do that much glint before.
Mmmm it's making
my lips numb.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's gonna numb it.
Actually, it's gonna
numb it wherever you apply it,
which could be a godsend, ha ha.
I used it liberally when I did
this donkey show in Tijuana.
You're weird, Jerri.
I am?
[POP]
Thanks, Poppy.
[BEE-LIKE BUZZING]
I'm gonna have a makeup room
at my party on Friday
and I'm gonna
have a cheese ball.
Oh you gotta bring records
TEACHER: Alright,
let's climb some ropes.
Shouldn't we have mats
underneath the ropes?
Only if you fall, let's climb!
Okay, ladies time to climb!
Are you all right, Miss Downes?
[BUZZING]
[DEEP SLOW VOICE]
You seem detached.
[MONOTONE]
I'm like fine.
Okay, then, let's climb.
Okay everybody!
Now ladies, on your marks
Go!
TEACHER: Yes, yes,
do it, come on, Jerri.
Wrist over wrist, you can do it!
You can do it, come on!
[BELL DINGING]
I am impressed, Miss Downes!
I'm a bumble bee!
I'm sorry?
I'm a bee, and I have to
get back to the hive.
Poppy!
[THUD]
Thank you, Miss Bemaman.
I suggest massive amounts
of selenium sulfide.
It makes the teeth translucent.
Come on in, Miss Blank.
As you know, we're meeting
with all the students today.
There was a terrible
tragedy in Gym.
Poppy Downes overdosed.
Thought herself
to be a bumble bee.
Tried to force herself
through a keyhole,
and now lies
motionless in a coma.
Her parents are
deeply distraught.
Jerri, do you know who supplied
Poppy Downes with the drugs
that tore her life from
her frail-yet-popular body?
No!
I believe you, Jerri.
I know this must be
extremely hard on you.
Word has it that you and Poppy
are as thick as thieves.
Oh yeah, well,
you know, we hang.
So do tell me anything
you might happen to remember.
And if you need to have
your memory jarred,
I can supply you with
plenty of L-glutamine.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING]
SARA:
Ohh, guy!
Good one, Dad, do it again!
Guy, don't you dare.
Stay in your chair
or you'll spill your food!
Oh hello, Jerri.
You're late for supper.
Sorry.
Did anyone call about my party?
Nope, Derrick was
just about to tell us
how he lost two pounds
by spitting.
So anyway, coach said
if I could drop to 109,
probably make all-state.
That's wonderful, Derrick.
So how did school
go for you today, Jerri?
Poppy Downes OD'd
and she's in a coma.
Poppy Downes is in a coma?!
What a shame!
You know, if she
doesn't pull through,
I'll have the widow's league
send over some casseroles.
They need comfort food.
I'd take it over.
So do they know
where she got the drugs?
No, but if Poppy ever wakes up,
Principal Blackman says he has
ways to get it out of her.
Jerri, do you
I don't even know her!
Those keyholes are a menace!
Someone was bound to
freak out and
thrash themselves through one!
I spent 32 years of my life
selling my body
for an ounce of tic
and cooking my
breakfast up in a teaspoon,
and hanging out
with the gutter hypes.
You're not pinning
this on me, baby!
No dessert, Jerri.
Don't touch the dog.
Don't rub your feces
on the lampshade.
Shelly!
First of all,
I want to reiterate
that I would die if anything
ever happened to you.
And secondly, if Poppy Downes
comes out of that coma,
my popularity's gonna
go down the drain.
There's got to be
something I can do.
[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
[STEADY TONE]
MAN: Oh, my dear God, my heart!
Sorry about that, uh-huh
What are you doing in here?
Oh, I was uh
holding a vigil.
Oh, you must be her uncle.
[TURNS OFF MACHINE]
Wha-what are you doing?!
Didn't you hear?
Poppy passed away
about an hour ago.
Sorry for your loss.
Ah!
Yeah
Good times!
[SOMBER PIANO MUSIC]
We are here today to dedicate
"The Poppy Downes
Memorial Time Capsule."
Inside this sturdy
lead container,
we placed a
"Good Luck, Poppy" card,
signed by some of our most
popular students,
a "Flatpoint High Home of
the Concrete Donkeys" t-shirt
and a photograph of me
Dedicating the time capsule.
Though we will soon forget
where we placed
this time capsule
and sooner still
who Poppy Downes was,
we shall never forget
the cause of her death.
Now I know that whomever
supplied her with the glint
Is at this very moment,
eating themselves alive,
with guilt!
I've got something to say.
I'm, uh
I'm having a
Poppy Downes memorial party
this Friday night at my house.
Could I just maybe see a
quick show of hands
who might be able to come?
Jerri, I wouldn't worry
about those grades.
This party is an "A+".
Glad you think so,
Mr. Noblet.
It's really a loss about Poppy.
Yeah, yeah, it's too bad.
Mr. and Mrs. Downes,
as you probably know,
I was with your daughter during
her final agonizing moments.
Brad
As you know, I was with
your girlfriend Poppy
during her final moments
and I thought it might comfort
you to hear her last words
"Take care of my boyfriend
Physically."
"They may never know
who gave me these drugs,
"but at least it wasn't you,
Jerri Blank,
my new best friend."
That's it
Come to Mama c'mon!
And, uh well, then she died.
Clear the room
Clear the room!
Hi, Amber.
How do you like the hot fruit?
Makes my lips numb.
That's the same bowl
I mixed the glint in!
[BUZZING]
[DEEP SLOW VOICE]
Okay, listen, Paul.
Okay, we're all at a party,
we're having a really good time,
[NORMAL VOICE] It's just you
and me and the turtle right?
[DISTORTED]
Give me the turtle.
Very long day,
give me the turtle
Okay,
party's over, alright?
I want you to give me
the turtle, alright
You don't know
what you're doing.
Gimme my turtle.
Give it to me,
give me my turtle.
Oh, leave them alone, Jerri.
They're just blowing off
a little grief.
Shelly.
Give me my turtle.
Shelly!
Shelly!
Give me my turtle!
Shelly!!!
Shelly!!!
Oh, Shelly.
Fore!
That was odd.
Shelly!
Oh my God!
Shelly!
Ohhhh my!!
What have they done?!
What have I done?!
Get out of my way!
Ohhh ohhh Shelly.
For reasons I'd rather not say,
this is bitterly
Ironic.
What a heavy price
to pay for popularity.
The Downes lost a child
and I lost a turtle.
Which is a greater loss?
I don't know.
But I do know one thing,
come this Monday morning,
everyone at this school
will have pity on me,
and that's got to be
worth something, right?
It's worth all the whiskey
in a drunkard's dream, Jerri.
Because no one can ever
take that pity away.
You've earned it.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, with the exception
of Shelly and Poppy Downes,
everything turned out
to be pretty okay.
They never did find out
who killed Poppy,
so I guess justice was served.
I also realize that
this second time
through high school,
I'm a little bit wiser.
Oh, I'm still doing
the wrong things,
but at least
I'm doing them the right way.
Oh, I almost forgot
Hi, Mother.
It's me, Jerri.
Umm, there's someone
I want you to meet.
Shelly, this is my real mother.
Mom, this is Shelly.
Now, don't you two
stay up yakking all night.
Goodnight.