Stripperella (2003) s01e01 Episode Script

1
There she is, damn!
Better watch out!
Ooh, that's so nouveau retro.
I love it,
and I hate it bravo!
Mmm, uh, okay, Mrs. Takamoto,
go ahead in.
Uh, welcome to the tender loins.
I'm Kevin Calhoun, the manager.
I hope you'll find that
our upscale establishment
is the epitome of quality,
prestige, and class.
Let's see some titties, yeah!
Her left one
is like a tennis ball,
and the right one is more
like a peach.
A sweet, juicy peach.
Hey, how much for a lap dance?
I'll give you 50 bucks and a
shot of whiskey?
Hey, gosh,
I was talking to the girl.
55 bucks?
No.
Persephone, what do you keep
looking around for?
My new boyfriend,
Dave, is coming in.
We've been dating a whole month,
and I'm finally gonna
meet his brother tonight.
I guess I'm a little nervous.
Oh, there he is!
That's him?
I mean, them
Huh?
Persephone,
this is my brother, cliff.
Clifton Barnes the third.
David, can we please
leave this dreadful place
before I inhale
a venereal disease?
Clifton, please, don't start.
How could she not have met
his brother before?
And how come only one of
them has a British accent?
Leonard, have you seen Erotica?
She's on next!
What can possibly be
more important
than showing up
for work on time?
My baby, my baby!
My baby, Stripperella!
Please save my baby!
Jesus, my baby!
Lady, Jesus, my ears!
You're screaming
right in my ears,
will you please just
shut up already?
Sorry.
That's right, kitty.
Who wants to eat a baby?
You do, mmm
You want it?
Go and get it.
Um, thanks, but the blanket
was an heirloom.
You know, zookeeper,
you may want to consider
moving the playground
to a safer location.
Also, build the lions
a larger habitat.
They're accustomed to
significantly more space
in their natural environment.
The plains of Africa.
Oh, no, I gotta get to work!
Okay, gentlemen,
prepare yourselves
for the benchmark of beauty,
the matron of magnificence,
the goddess of glamour,
the sultress of sexuality
Oh, no!
Erotica!
Marry me, marry me
That is the luckiest
man in the world.
Oh!
Sorry, fellas, gotta go.
I'll be right back.
You cannot, absolutely not!
I absolutely forbid the
Okay, go on, then.
Evildoers, prepare
to become evil don't-ers!
Do you mind?!
Oh, sorry.
20 percent off?
Hello!
Haz-mat team, report
to section six.
Will the owner of
the invisible car
please come to
the west secret entrance?
We think you left
your lights on.
And just a reminder,
do not take food
out of the refrigerator
that does not belong to you.
Seriously, I've
told you, like, six times,
it's clearly labeled 'Lisa'!
Chief Stroganoff,
agent 69 reporting for duty.
Stripperella, this is a very
dangerous mission.
The fate of the entire
world rests on your shoulders.
Now, go get 'em.
Uh, I just got here.
You haven't told me
what the mission is yet.
Right, that's why you're
our top agent.
I want you to watch this video.
Let me just move the chair,
and oh!
These things are so difficult!
Where's the switch?
These chairs are ridiculous
and difficult to operate!
Thank god I'm not crippled.
Here, watch this video.
You really should
get a better monitor.
Well, unfortunately,
we spent all our money
on the fancy wall.
See?
Drug addiction isn't
all fun and games.
And on a serious note,
Kalinka, the Russian
supermodel, is now fat.
Scientists, dieticians, and
men are completely stunned.
There seems to be no explanation
as to how the once emaciated
communist waif
suddenly transformed
into a hideously obese sow.
Kalinka's the eighth supermodel
to suddenly plump up
in the last two months.
I've got a feeling in my gut,
and it's not my spastic colon.
Someone's maliciously fattening
these supermodels.
So far, all we know
is that all eight models
were represented by
the same agency.
The pretty girl modeling agency.
It's run by a man named
Nairasec Rotcod.
Do my elbows look fat?
Last time I was here,
Nairasec suggested I get
an elbow reduction.
They're great!
When you walked in, I was
thinking, wow, nice elbows.
Aw, thanks!
Hi, I'm cliche.
Erotica.
Call Bree, thank her for
the caviar she sent.
Send the caviar to
Oliver, with a note from moi.
When you're done, find me
a replacement
and please fire
yourself, oh, and
You, exquisite, fabulous!
Office, mine, now!
You, your thumbs are too fat.
Hmm, I find no imperfections
on you whatsoever.
Your flesh is
perfectly balanced,
toes exactly one quarter
centimeter apart,
your navel is
perfectly centered.
The distance between your
sternum and your vagina
is exemplary.
So, pretty crazy
about those models
suddenly becoming enormous, huh?
What models?
I had nothing to do with any
models becoming enormous.
Why ask me?
Well, I just thought
because they all worked
for your agency
Look, I don't
hire models to think.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna leave you alone in
my office unsupervised
for a few minutes.
Hmm
Tongue scanner activate.
I'm back!
Congratulations, you've got
your first modeling assignment!
Wow, really, me, a model?
It's tomorrow,
it's a video shoot
for the band Roctopus.
No way, I love Roctopus!
Erotica!
Check out my new breasts.
Aren't the nipples perfect?
I just got them done!
Since I saw you yesterday?
Yeah.
Oh, I also had
my thumbs reduced.
The plastic surgeon is
the greatest.
His name is Doctor Cesarian.
He's the same guy that
did my elbows.
Here's his card.
Hey, do you know
any of the models
who mysteriously blimped up?
Well, Kalinka and I
both did ads for glow in
the dark cigarettes, but
There's stiffy woods!
Stiffy, I love all your songs!
"Where did all my blood go?",
"condom schmondom",
and "homicide is funny"!
My sister totally killed her
husband because of that song!
I hear that all the time, it
really means a lot to me.
What song is this video for?
It's called
"Encyclopedia Satanica."
Okay, people, places, everybody.
All right, here's the concept.
The band is playing,
and you hot, thin chicks dance
around the pool, all right?
You!
You dance on that precariously
flimsy platform.
"Encyclopedia Satanica,"
take one, action!
Satan's got some books to sell
the ink is blood and
it's printed in hell
200 volumes of Satanica
bring your soul and harmonica
encyclopedia!
Satan's going door to door
he'll quote one price
but charge you more
evil books from a to z
he's so bad it's heavenly
Whoa!
She's stuck in
the bottom of the pool!
She's gonna drown!
Lucky for her,
Stripperella's here!
Not that I was here already,
because I wasn't.
I just got here.
Whoa!
Hee-ya!
This would be really hot
if that one chick looked like
she did five minutes ago.
What happened?
You bloated up
like an enormous sea cow,
and then I saved you
from drowning.
I'm huge!
Why couldn't you have
just let me die?
Wow, the Eiffel tower!
You should see my big Ben.
What a talent!
Where did you learn that,
whore school?
You know, Persephone,
I'm really starting to like you.
I usually don't let myself
get so attached to someone.
Yeah, me neither.
You're not like
the other guys I've dated.
You're special, unique.
Can't breathe!
Oh, my word!
He's choking!
Do something, you tawdry wench!
Oh, oh dear!
You saved my life, thank you.
I learned the Heimlich
here at the tender loins.
You'd be surprised how often
the girls choke
picking up dollar
bills with their mouth.
What a delightful anecdote.
Please, tell it again.
That's enough, cliff.
I'm not gonna sit here
and listen to you
talk to her that way.
Come on, Persephone.
Let's go somewhere
we can be alone.
I've got to figure out
what's really happened
to these models, Avi.
What else do these
nine girls have in common?
I know that six of them
take Tae-Bo,
five are vegetarians,
seven of them slept with
Charlie sheen, yuck.
Wait a minute.
Look at her breasts.
That's it, that is it!
All these girls had boob jobs!
Doctor Cesarian!
Thanks for the boob job,
doctor Cesarian.
They look and feel so natural!
Anytime, Enorma.
I'll be seeing you
In the obituary column!
On the next stripperella
Enorma, you've been
booby trapped!
You're set to
explode in two minutes.