Sue Perkins: Perfectly Legal (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[gun cocking]
[Sue] It was at this moment,
this precise, exact moment,
when I realised that the whole thing
had been a very naive,
very stupid mistake.
You see, it's all very well saying
you feel boxed in
by rules and conventions,
how you feel stale.
How you want to learn to be free again,
to have an adventure,
let your guard down.
Do things you never would do,
never could do at home.
Things that wouldn't even be legal
to do at home.
Of course, you say that
you want to drink all day,
stay out all night,
take drugs, dance, swim, run, fly, float,
be free.
But then you find yourself
stood in a warehouse
in the backstreets of Bogotá
and there's a total stranger
stood opposite you,
and he's pointing a loaded gun
in your face.
And you think, "This was a shit idea."
[gunshot]
[theme music playing]
[man] So, Sue, tell me where you're at.
Uh, I am middle at the moment,
I'm middle-aged,
I'm middling, I'm medium fat,
I'm semi-tired.
I'm a 50-year-old,
and I am genuinely frightened
about becoming staid and fixed.
That's my biggest fear, is being stuck.
[man] So, where we going now?
[Sue] Well, Chris,
I've arranged to meet up
with some local comedians in each country
who will show me around.
Right now,
I'm gonna meet a woman called Liss,
who is a super-famous, brilliant comic
here in Colombia, Bogotá.
And she's gonna show me the ropes
and challenge me,
and possibly leave me for dead
tied to a tree in the middle
of a mountain range.
[explosion]
- Hola. Hey, Liss.
- How are you?
- Nice to meet you.
- How's it going? You too.
- Fine.
- What is this?
[Liss] This is a traditional,
like, tejo court.
Tejo is our "national sport"
if I say it like that.
[Sue] So this is
your national sport?
- [explosion]
- [chuckles]
Are you okay? [laughs]
Sweet God!
[explosion]
You know what, if you're not drunk,
maybe you won't enjoy it.
This game is for drunk people.
Santé. Cheers.
[Liss] Take this.
Oh, dear.
- [man] What number's that?
- Four.
[chuckles]
Absolutely battered.
[chuckles]
[Sue] Shall we play?
- [explosion]
- [Liss chuckles]
- [Liss] That circle is called the bocín.
- [Sue] Okay.
If you get just in the middle,
you win more points.
- That's when the big bang goes off?
- Yeah.
[Sue] So it's basically like bowls,
but with explosions.
[Liss] Of course, it's Colombia.
[explosion]
I'm getting to the point where
I can hardly even see the circle.
- [explosion]
- [both exclaiming]
[cheering]
[loudly] This never happens!
- [Liss] I can't believe it!
- Yes!
- This has never happened!
- [Liss] I can't believe it!
I have never been picked
for a sporting team.
I have never achieved anything.
I'm really good at blowing shit up
when I'm drunk.
I never saw that in my life.
[Sue] It never happens!
Not just for me, but for generations
of Perkins going back.
All of them, physical failures.
Frontline grunts who failed
This is my town.
[instrumental music playing]
[Liss] Did you like tejo, Sue?
- I love tejo.
- You're tejo queen now.
Only sport I've ever been good at.
- [Liss] You know why you were good?
- [Sue] No.
[Liss] 'Cause you had shots with me.
How do you say "more alcohol" in Spanish?
- [both speaking Spanish] More alcohol.
- [Liss chuckles]
[Sue in Spanish] More alcohol.
[Liss] You don't even make faces any more.
No, because I've got facial paralysis
thanks to the alcohol you've given me.
[gasps] Did you try this?
What is it? Is it pork?
No, it's pork skin.
- But that's worse than pork.
- No, it's delicious.
It's got hairs sticking out.
No! It doesn't have hairs.
You know, we wax it.
You wax the pig before you kill it?
Of course, we used to give, you know,
aguardiente to the pig before we kill him.
What kind of pig
gets waxed before slaughter?
You shave and, you know, relax the pig.
I don't want to drug a pig and shave it.
Why are you here?
I didn't realise that was the prerequisite
for coming to Colombia
that you have to wanna drug
and shave a pig.
- No, it's not like that.
- Because you guys are like
In Europe, when people think of "fun,"
they think of Latin America
and of South America.
Is that what this place is like?
[Liss] Kind of. I mean,
the country has changed a lot
since I was little to now.
I do stand-up comedy and we laugh about
how fucked up is our history.
Such a violent era, the '80s,
when I was growing up.
I think the best time is yet to come here.
I see things changing and I like it.
Is this the place to be
if I want to bend the rules?
Yeah, of course. Flexible.
- Flexible rules, I like. Okay.
- Yeah!
[in Spanish] Tequila for the lady.
I don't want a bottle of tequila
or I'll die tonight.
Let's go dancing, no?
[upbeat music playing]
[loudly] Come here.
I need you to meet my mates.
Carolina.
Martín.
Coqueta!
I don't know who he is.
[exclaims]
I'd been in Colombia for eight hours,
and I'd spent seven-and-a-half of those
drinking heavily.
I was in the largest gay club
in Latin America
surrounded by thousands upon thousands
of wildly beautiful Colombians.
And I was gloriously, horribly,
beautifully, disgustingly drunk.
Of course, there was nothing about this
I couldn't do in London.
I hadn't learned anything about myself
by getting shit-faced.
But I was definitely having fun again.
[knock on door]
- [man] Morning.
- Oh, God.
[man] How are you feeling?
How do you think I'm feeling?
What time is it?
[man] It's about 9:30.
What? 9:30?
I went to bed four minutes ago,
what do you want?
- [man] Breakfast?
- No.
[groans]
This is what they do
for damaged children like me
who've just gone out and got
absolutely smashed in a foreign country.
The good news is I can still spell Bogotá.
Let's put a star there
because it's the capital city.
My memories of the evening are sketchy,
if I'm honest,
but I do remember one very important thing
which is this tejo.
Imagine spending a life where
you're never picked for a netball team,
and you were overlooked
for every single sporting endeavour,
and you suddenly step up
to a clay board filled with gunpowder
and you smash it in the first instance.
The crowd goes wild.
Tejo.
- [explosion]
- [indistinct cheering]
I also went to
Theatron.
Let's do a lady there.
She's spinally not great.
She might need to see the osteopath.
So I met Martín, Carolina and Coqueta.
Not to be confused with croqueta,
which is ham and cheese.
The whole night is a bit sketchy.
I remember some sort of donkey knob
in a glass cabinet.
Did I eat it?
[man] I don't think so.
[Sue] What do you mean?
That's not definite enough.
[Chris] You didn't eat it.
I don't believe you now.
You looked shifty. You looked away.
[Chris laughs]
[Liss] So, how are you
feeling today?
[Sue groans] Rough.
- [Liss] Like, hungover?
- [Sue] Super hungover.
- [Liss] That's guaro.
- [Sue] Yeah, I'm a completely guaro now.
[Liss] You're the tejo queen.
You're fearless.
Yeah, I loved the explosions
and the madness.
- You wanna have more fun?
- I do!
What are we doing?
- Uh, you're getting shot today. Yes.
- What?
You know, like
[Sue] Here's the thing, I don't like guns.
I'd go as far as to say I'm 100% anti-gun.
[Liss] It's gonna be safe. Don't worry.
Can I just say that shooting
is famously not safe.
The point as Liss explained was
to experience danger to test my limits,
find the line or some such.
- Are you gonna do this in London?
- No!
Why did you come here?
[Sue] The problem is, I don't do danger.
I specialise in making elaborate
and not entirely effective puns,
mainly on baking shows.
Not getting shot.
- [Liss] It'll be funny.
- Yeah, for you.
- Yeah.
- Because no one is going [mimics gunshot]
No! You're gonna be safe.
You're tough, right?
- [Sue] Yeah, I'm super tough.
- [Liss] What are you saying?
God, I don't know why
they made me meet you.
Is that a real gun?
- Yes, it's a real gun.
- Okay.
But it's empty.
- [Miguel] Now it's empty. But real.
- [Sue] It's empty.
These are illegal in my country.
In my country, it's illegal too.
You need a licence
but here in the factory,
we are okay to have them.
[Sue] So, I was not expecting a warehouse.
I don't know what I was expecting.
What is this?
[Miguel] We are manufacturing
one million bulletproof vests,
and that is all the bulletproof clothing
that we can manufacture.
Some of it is very stylish.
Which one are you gonna get me in tonight?
[Miguel] This one.
[Sue] Oh, lovely, the Nazca.
Why did you get into this business?
What motivated you?
They decide to protect the people.
Our mission is to protect the people,
and we can do that through the products.
Twenty-eight years ago,
we started with $10.
And today, we have the opportunity to sell
to the 38 presidents
in different countries.
I shoot my lawyer, I shoot my wife.
- The glee on the face.
- I shoot 100 times, many people.
Okay, I trust you.
Look, he's got kind eyes.
They don't look like killer's eyes.
You don't need his eyes,
you need his hands to be kind.
- Yeah, all of it.
- He's gonna shoot you.
[man] How are you feeling, Sue?
Like I'm about to be shot in the stomach
at point-blank range.
You've seen the revolver
they'll shoot you with.
They'll load it with
one round of ammunition.
The ammunition's been checked.
It's standard round.
It's not armour-piercing,
anything like that.
If at any point you wanna stop,
just say "stop," we'll stop it.
If it goes south, I have
a difficult relationship with my mother,
but just tell her
even though she's a dick, I do love her.
[chuckles] You'll be fine.
Say the dick bit, 'cause that is true.
- I'll make sure I tell her she's a dick.
- Okay.
If anything goes wrong,
I've got my medical equipment.
I can patch you up,
get an ambulance, get to hospital.
Thanks, Sam. That's reassuring.
[sniffs]
Three
two
one.
[gunshot]
[exhales]
[Miguel] Hold.
- Good.
- [Liss] You okay?
[exhales]
Hold.
- Oh, my God. It's still hot.
- [Liss gasps] My God!
[Sue] I'm experiencing an adrenalin rush
that I've never come close to before.
I mean, this tells the story
of how I'm feeling.
This is the shell, the cartridge,
the casing or whatever.
It's what's left of the bullet,
that energy
went somewhere.
Didn't go through my body,
but it hit my body and was like a wave.
[gunshot]
It was almost like every cell
was absorbing some level of the impact.
And it's really shocking.
[gunshot]
I've discovered there's a difference
between shaking things up a bit
and getting a .38 calibre bullet
in your gut.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, my God. That was tough.
You know, some people say
that the closer you are to death,
the more alive you feel.
I can now conclusively say
the closer you are to death,
the closer you are to death.
[lively instrumental music playing]
As I may have mentioned, I'm not really
a danger-danger sort of person.
So, I was genuinely dreading
Liss' next activity.
Billed as an extreme sports day
somewhere outside Bogotá.
Perhaps to placate me, Liss had brought
along Carolina, Coqueta and Martín.
[all squeal]
[Sue] The three friends we'd met clubbing
on our first night,
who, it turns out,
all work in Bogotá's sex industry.
Come on, in you go.
[all singing in Spanish]
I don't know the words to this one.
[laughs]
[Sue] How long have you
known each other?
- Two years.
- Two years.
And yet you seem like family already.
[in Spanish] Like a family, yes.
- She's grandma.
- No!
- [laughter]
- [in Spanish] She's the horny grandmother.
- [in English] Horny grandma.
- Horny grandma!
[laughter]
So, I come from England
where sex work is illegal.
- Oh, my God.
- [Liss translating]
[Sue] So, here it's legal, isn't it,
but is it socially accepted?
[in Spanish] Colombia is a country
with relaxed regulations.
As my colleague says, there's a law,
but also a loophole.
There's stigma, there's discrimination.
[in English] Did you start out wanting
to be sex workers?
Is it something
you went into deliberately?
No, this is not something you choose.
This is something that you get
because of necessity.
My story is really different.
Because I had many jobs
where I was exploited
and I didn't get the income
that matched what I needed,
specially after my son was born.
Because I needed money
I decided to do sexual work,
nobody pressured me,
I looked for my own space,
so I always vindicate
my work as just one more in the country.
We are just workers
with an economic activity.
[in English] Tell me, when did you last
have a day off?
[in Spanish] Like 15 days ago.
- [in English] So today we play. Sí?
- Yeah.
- Yes.
- [in Spanish] Today is our day off, girls.
[all cheering]
[in English] Look at her
eat that lollipop.
[laughing]
RIO NEGRO
TOBIA, PROVINCE OF GUALIVÁ
[opera song playing]
[Sue] Oh, it's rough, isn't it?
[cheering and laughing]
Oh, shit!
[laughing]
[screaming]
[indistinct screaming]
[Sue] Now, this may come
as a surprise to you,
but back home, I don't normally spend
my afternoons white-water rafting
with a bunch of sex workers.
I typically spend them snuggled up
watching box sets
of my own TV shows.
[all squealing]
Just a few minutes after I met Coqueta,
Carolina and Martín,
I forgot all about
what they did for a living.
Their job seemed no more interesting than
if they'd been accountants,
or florists, or TV hosts, come to that.
As for the rafting, well, I enjoyed it.
It was like an extreme douche.
And if I did have a limit, some boundary
or line I was unwilling to cross,
then this experience
definitely lay on the right side of it.
[screaming and laughing]
[Spanish guitar music playing]
I really feel I've had the classic
Bogotá tourist experience.
I got shot point-blank range with a .38
by a total stranger
with rather chubby fingers
but thankfully, a slow and accurate hand.
There he is.
Just imagine my gelatinous gut.
Which would probably, if it was to scale,
go from Medellín down to the South Coast.
And after I got shot, I did something
way more frightening than that.
I got into an inflatable dingy with
a psychopathic 17-year-old thrill-seeker
who kept saying, "You want flip boat?"
No, me no want flip boat.
So, after that, before I go to Mexico,
I need to take a long, slow
- [felt-tip pen screeches]
- Oh, listen to that.
[felt-tip pen continues screeching]
How's that feeling?
Yeah?
Just hit the Caribbean coast.
Sit down under an umbrella,
drink my body weight in piña coladas.
[instrumental music playing]
[sighs in contentment]
Excuse me. You must be Sue, right?
- Yes.
- I am Iván.
A friend of Liss.
Oh, God!
[laughs]
- Cheers. Nice to see you.
- Cheers.
- Welcome to Colombia.
- Thank you. Gracias.
- [Iván] Do you like the coast?
- [Sue] So far, so good.
- What should I look out for?
- What do you wanna know?
- Everything. Yeah.
- Everything?
What do you think about men
who have sex with donkeys?
Wow, we got there quite quickly. Um
What do I think about it?
- [chuckles]
- I
[laughing]
I've never had to really evaluate
but I think on balance, no.
- Not sexy for you?
- No. Not sexy for me, no.
So what'd you mean
"men having sex with donkeys"?
Because, let me explain.
I do comedy shows around Colombia.
One time, I had a show for local miners
in a coal mine.
- That's a tough gig.
- Yes. Very tough.
And I start my show, and I ask,
"Okay, who likes the romantic music?"
Nobody.
I ask, "Who likes the reggaeton?"
Nobody.
This is death now. This gig is dying.
- Died onstage.
- Okay.
And I ask, as a joke,
"Okay, who has fucked with a donkey?"
[makes a whooshing sound]
Two hundred hands rise.
- Two hundred?
- Two hundred.
I swear, in some parts of Colombian coast,
it's common that men
have sex with donkeys.
Not in the rest of the country.
Just in a couple parts.
A couple places.
- In this part?
- Yes. Yes, here. Yes.
Yes, from here. I swear for God.
This is so made-up.
They were winding you up.
You know what? I bet you I can find
- almost two guy
- "Almost two guys."
That's one guy!
- Two men
- Okay.
- to talk with us about this.
- There's no way they'll talk about it.
I bet you 2,000 Colombian pesos.
- Deal.
- You accept?
- I accept.
- Okay.
[dramatic music playing]
[Sue] You have to remember that
when I left London,
I yearned to rekindle my spirit
of adventure and test my limits.
At no point did I think that would involve
hunting down a donkey-bonker
in northern Colombia.
Even for a bet.
Is it actually illegal to do it?
I don't think it's legal.
It's certainly not right.
But you don't go to jail for that.
If you went to jail for it,
you'd have a very hard time.
Imagine being in prison
and somebody saying, "What did you do?"
And you had to say,
"I had sex with a donkey."
[Iván laughing] I have fucked
with a donkey.
[Sue] The thing is, as much as I wanted
to be open-minded,
I'm an animal lover. I have pets.
I have a tattoo of my dog's initials
on my arm for goodness sake.
Yes, she has a surname.
But I was confident that Iván was wrong.
There was no such thing
as a donkey-shagger.
And even if there was,
there definitely wasn't such a thing
as a donkey-shagger
who'd admit to it on camera.
- [in Spanish] Hi, sir.
- Hi.
[in Spanish] Hi, how are you? Are you OK?
[in Spanish] This is
my British friend, Sue.
Excuse me.
Have you ever had
romantic feelings for a donkey?
- For a donkey?
- A donkey.
[all laugh]
[in English] Yes, no?
[laughter]
[Sue in Spanish] Thank you, sir.
Nice to meet you.
Bye!
[in English] I told you!
[Sue] That's none. I win.
Okay! So far, nobody.
So far, all I know how to say in Spanish
is "Two beers, please."
And "Have you ever slept with a donkey?"
What is the more crazy thing
do you have in sex, the British people?
Um, what do British people Ah!
There's something in Britain
called dogging.
Which is when in a car park,
lots of people come
- Okay.
- and they park their cars up.
And they all have sex in the car,
and then some people crowd around the car
and they watch.
Yeah.
- This is real?
- Yeah, this is real.
It's real.
- And strange.
- Yeah, I won't be doing that again.
I'm gonna get out.
[both] A donkey.
He's got the action.
[in Spanish] Yes? No? Yes?
[laughing]
[Sue in English] That guy said yes,
and then no.
- So that's No.
- [Iván] Ah
- No.
- All right. That's almost one.
- Yes.
- But you said almost two.
[Iván] Almost. I told you, almost!
This is awkward. The women are coming out.
[in Spanish] Hi! How are you?
[in English] It's awkward enough asking
a stranger if they sleep with donkeys.
But when he brings out his whole family
- [laughing] Yeah.
- Seven women going, "Hi!"
- [Iván] This is the place where I win.
- [Sue] Oh. Yeah, right.
We shall see. [clears throat]
[in Spanish] I am sorry.
One moment, please.
Excuse me,
have you ever made love to a donkey?
- [all cheering]
- [laughing]
[Iván in English] I told you!
[Sue in English] How do the donkeys feel?
[in Spanish] And the donkey moves, too.
- [in Spanish] Yes?
- [in Spanish] Sure
[in Spanish] She does
[in English] The donkeys move.
- [in Spanish] Sure. She moves backwards.
- [laughing]
[Sue] The truth is
I really hadn't believed him.
I thought Iván was making it up
or at least exaggerating.
But now, in front of my horrified eyes,
it was not just one man
who slept with donkeys,
but a whole bar full of them.
I never want to see that again.
And suddenly our funny, silly,
kind of hypothetical bet
had become a bewildering reality.
There were so many men desperate
to show me their sexual technique
that it became impossible
to call them out on it or ask questions.
So I just stood there feeling awkward.
There are arguably
worse things in the world,
but you have to draw the line somewhere.
And I discovered, rather unsurprisingly,
that I'd draw it a long, long way
before sleeping with donkeys.
I bet I'm the first human
that's approached you from the front
in a very, very long time, little one.
- [Sue] Cheers.
- [Iván] Cheers!
- You won the bet, well done.
- This is my prize?
Mmm. No, you've got all my money.
You have to pay for the beers.
I accept. Okay. Did you enjoy the day?
- It was an emotionally complicated day.
- [laughs]
It was fun, it was crazy, then it was sad,
and then just plain weird.
[Iván] Yes.
Can you imagine now
if this show just encourages people
who've always wanted to sleep with donkeys
to come to Colombia
and we create a new brand of tourism?
- This would be awful.
- Oh, my God, no.
- Better talk about other thing.
- Yeah.
- What is your next destination?
- Mexico.
Mexico! [exclaims]
- Mariachi. Okay.
- I know. I love it.
My guy's gonna be Alex Fernández.
[Iván] A great guy! A great comedian.
- I look forward to hanging with him.
- He speaks better English than mine.
- No, your English is good.
- So much better.
You've been such a joyful host,
thank you so much.
- I really appreciate it.
- Oh.
No, seriously.
Now let's get pissed
and forget about what we've seen.
- Hi. Alex?
- Yeah.
Hello. Thank you.
- Welcome to Mexico. Here's mezcal for you.
- Oh! [chuckles]
- You can drink up.
- Perfect.
- Yes, awesome.
- Why not.
Have you ever tried mezcal?
You could sterilise a wound with that.
That's wonderful.
You put dead worms in there though.
Not really. That's a tourist trap.
You ate the worm?
Oh, God, yes.
That was a hell of a weekend.
That's just a joke.
[both laugh]
[Alex] They tell me you love flying.
Yes, I love flying. I love it.
I won't lie, I get so scared
that I have to resort to some
quite heavy anti-anxiety medication.
[Alex] Really?
Which I am very much still
under the influence of.
- That's nice.
- Delicious.
And what are you exactly afraid of?
Well, crashing.
- Crashing.
- Mmm.
I'm hoping tonight
we just take it easy, chill.
Uh I mean, I would love to tell you
that we're gonna chill.
Yeah?
But Mexico City's not a city
where you chill.
It's a city where you thrive to survive.
[Sue] Is it dangerous?
[Alex] I would be lying if I told you not.
- [Sue] In crime?
- [Alex] Yes, it is.
Oh, my God,
there's a lot of men in white trousers.
You're gonna start to see some mariachis
just soliciting their work on the street.
[Sue] So they just sort of
stand on the street corner,
wink at you, and you go up to them,
pay a few quid and they
[mimics trumpet sound]
It's, kind of, like prostitution.
[Sue chuckles] Yes.
- Is this okay?
- [Alex] Yeah.
[Alex in Spanish] How are you, man?
Please, get in.
[in English] This is like a carjack.
- [Alex in Spanish] Hi.
- Hi.
What's your name, mariachis?
- Mariachi Azteca.
- Mariachi Azteca.
[Mariachi band playing]
[singing indistinctly]
[squeals]
We're going to a really nice taco place.
It's my favourite taco place
in Mexico City.
- We're doing the full tourist experience.
- Yes.
[singing nonsense in Spanish]
[Sue] You actually eat that.
I thought it was just
a demonstration food.
No, of course, not.
- It's tongue taco.
- "Tongue taco."
You're sure you're vegan?
I'm sure.
Let me just put it in European terms,
this is like a confit.
- Is it?
- It's a confit.
- Confit de
- De tripes.
[Sue] What an education.
I feel I've had
the full tourist experience tonight.
I've been jiggled about,
I've got tinnitus,
and now I'm in the shadow of an abattoir.
- This is just like the touristy part.
- Okay.
Just wait for tomorrow.
You're gonna promise me
a full Mexican experience.
[chuckles] Yeah.
- All right.
- It'll get crazy.
- Okay, see you.
- Have a good one.
- Thank you, gracias.
- All right.
I'll get my bag out the back.
Rest well.
[in Spanish] Come on, guys.
[in English] Guys, I think
I'm just a bit tired tonight.
So I'm gonna have an early one, okay?
Thank you.
[Sue] Oh, God!
Yeah, we're all checking in. Thank you.
Imagine my surprise and utter relief
on turning a street corner
to find a perfect map of Mexico.
Which makes this inevitable exposition
just so much easier.
So I've landed in the capital.
Let's give that a bit of a green star.
I say a "star,"
looks like Kermit's arsehole.
Mexico.
Mexico City.
Not to be confused with the good old USA,
which is sort of up here,
and also up here, and also up there.
Of course, in real terms,
the crossing from Mexico to the USA
is slightly more complicated these days.
And yesterday,
I met this beautiful beast of a man.
Absolutely lovely guy.
He looks better than that to be honest.
Let's put his name in there, Alex.
Such a nice guy.
And he has promised
to take me to this place,
which is,
forgive my pronunciation, Tultepec,
and he said that 75% of all Mexico's
fireworks are not only made there,
but will be set off there tonight
in some kind of huge inferno.
Let's go blow shit up.
[music playing]
[Alex] Uh, Sue, we're going today
to Tultepec.
It's the biggest firework festival
here in Mexico.
It's also really dangerous.
How dangerous?
Uh, you may lose a limb, dangerous.
What? What do you mean
"you may lose a limb"?
- Which limb?
- You'll see.
[Sue] Can I say in order to have
a great time,
you don't need to tell me
I might lose a limb.
I believe in honesty.
So this is Tultitlán.
It's a town in the State of Mexico.
And yeah, you can see over there.
That's Santa Muerte. It's the biggest
Santa Muerte image in the world.
[Sue] Santa Muerte, the Saint of Death?
Santa Muerte?
[Alex] Saint of Death. It's one
of the fastest growing cults in Mexico.
It's an outcast church here in Mexico.
We believe a lot in death.
Death is important for us.
Maybe because we all die.
This is death made a church.
And they are growing. I think they have,
they're estimating 10 to 20 million
- What?
- people following the church.
I love it's pose.
It's like, "Come here, motherfucker."
Yeah.
[Alex] So we'll take a look,
get you blessed.
'Cause tonight, it might get dangerous.
- [Sue] All right.
- [Alex] There's a gift shop.
- A gift shop? Great.
- Yes, a gift shop.
There's always merchandising opportunities
with religion.
Of course.
SANTA MUERTE TEMPLE
FUENTES DEL VALLE, MEXICO STATE
[Alex in Spanish] Hi, how are you?
This is Sue.
[in Spanish] Nice to meet you.
[in English] Crystal, she's the godmother
of the temple.
Nice to see you. You're going to do
the full ceremony for me?
[in Spanish] That's right,
I will be your cleanser.
So what do I do for the ceremony?
How is it gonna work?
[music playing]
- Hi, Sam.
- So they're gonna be performing limpiar.
- The cleansing thing, yeah?
- Yeah, the cleansing ritual.
- You know the things involved?
- No, I don't.
[in Spanish] Full name, three times.
Your full name three times.
Susan Elizabeth Perkins.
So, it's gonna involve a bit of
rubbing an egg on you.
- How do you find the egg roll?
- [Sue] One of the best egg rolls I've had.
There's gonna be some tequila
expelled from their mouth.
Also, there might be a ring of fire.
- [Sue] Is that lighter fluid?
- [Alex] Yes.
Any point, if you're not happy
with anything, let me know. We'll stop it.
[Alex] The harmoniser.
Do you feel harmonised?
[spitting]
- [Alex] How do you feel?
- Very flammable. Thank you.
- [Sue] Thank you.
- [Crystal] Thank you.
[man] So, how was all of that for you?
Well
Yeah, I mean, it was great, I thought
and although I'm not a believer
in this particular deity,
there's something extraordinary about
thinking of things
that are painful and difficult.
I don't smoke.
But the whole point is you're supposed to
You have a cigarette and a natter,
and then what you do is,
you ask a question,
and then you leave
the cigarette like that,
and if the ash stays vertical,
it's a yes. If it dips, it's a no.
I'm not gonna count that bit
that fell off, okay? If that's all right.
Staring into the eye sockets
of a long dead human,
it struck me that my trip had reached
something of a tipping point.
That night I was due to visit a place
that would basically be,
by all accounts, on fire.
And I was reminded that
there's a difference between
having fun and being reckless.
So I asked Santa Muerte
if I would be safe.
Praying to a deity
I didn't fully understand,
to help me survive an experience
I wasn't sure I wanted.
[exhales]
So far, so good.
[grunts]
[suspenseful music playing]
NATIONAL FAIR OF PYROTECHNICS
TULTEPEC, MEXICO STATE
Judith!
- How are you?
- Hello.
Hi.
- You are late.
- Sorry. This is Sue.
[in English] She says we're late.
- [Sue] Sorry.
- [all exclaim]
[Sue in Spanish] I am sorry. I am sorry.
- Sorry. This is Sue.
- [in English] My fault. Nice to meet you.
[in English] So, this is a bull
and it's full of fireworks
as you can see over there.
It has 1,500 fireworks
all around the bull.
- [Sue] They've got rockets.
- It has fireworks.
There it goes and
That's a space launch.
- [explosion]
- There it is. Okay.
[all laugh]
So, we need to go to the festival.
So let's go!
[in English] Let's go!
[all cheering]
[in English] All of these bulls,
they are offerings for a saint.
San Juan de Dios.
The patron saint of lost limbs.
Yes, he's the patron of the fireworks.
So you offer to San Juan de Dios the bull,
to give you safety and a lot of work
for the coming year.
[Sue] And how many people
get hurt each year?
[in Spanish] The most we've had
are 400, 500 hurt people.
Okay.
With first, second and third-degree burns.
Okay, so not that much.
They have, I don't know,
every year in the festival
between 400 and 500 wounded people.
Between 400 and 500 wounded people?
How many people come to the festival?
[Alex] They're expecting
4,000 people today.
[Sue] Okay.
Aren't you afraid
of the noises and explosions?
[in English] Yes, it is completely normal
to be frightened of explosions.
[crowd singing indistinctly]
So this is like a normal,
very relaxed festival vibe.
With a slight twist in that all the bulls,
the glitter bull, the restaurant bull,
they're going to, basically, detonate
who knows when,
we can hope there'll be some warning,
we don't know.
But approximately 15% of everyone
here this evening
will end up in a burns unit.
That's the rough stat.
[upbeat folk music playing]
Well, the plans I shoulda made ♪
The lives I shoulda saved ♪
Hope just seemed to fade ♪
And the people that I crossed ♪
Lovers I lost ♪
The price that it has cost
I don't know why ♪
I'm rolling slow ♪
I face this world alone ♪
I'm a mean man ♪
[Sam] All right, guys, quick safety brief.
A lot of fireworks going off there.
There's a lot of risk of being burned.
Hence, all this protective clothing.
If there's any dramas
while you're out there,
I will call a halt to it.
The other thing to look out for
is the surging in the crowds.
Look out for being trampled.
Get out of the way.
Move as fast as you can.
Sam, if the worst happens,
I need you to do something for me.
- Yeah?
- Burn my hard drive.
Burn your hard drive?
Look at me, don't look at it,
just burn it.
Okay.
[fireworks exploding]
- [Alex] How you feeling, Sue?
- I mean
The most dangerous thing really is
the looks I'm getting from everyone else.
In the UK,
people would think we're bellends.
[Alex] Let's go in. You wanna go in?
[Sue] What? In there? That's nuts!
[crowd cheering indistinctly]
[Alex] It's coming.
- It's coming, Sue.
- What's coming?
It's coming!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
[music fading]
[Sue] I'd come to Latin America
to escape middle-age,
to avoid getting stuck.
So far, I've been shot at, serenaded
and spat upon.
I'd met incredible human beings
who have sex for money.
And human beings who incredibly
had sex with donkeys.
I'd drunk my body weight in spirits
and I participated in a death cult.
None of these things were normal for me.
All of them were experiences.
But there was a line between
adventurousness and recklessness.
And now, I'd finally crossed it.
And on the other side,
it seemed dangerous and intoxicating.
Shit. Fuck.
- Shit!
- [Alex] That way!
[Sue] And I wanted more.
[closing theme music playing]