Sunnyside (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

1 (Gunshots firing) (Gunshots firing) Back off, pigs! I got a lady sleeping in here and your guns are too loud! (Gunshots firing) Sorry, baby, I try not to bring my work home with me.
Hey, you're not leaving? Coffee's brewing, I can make eggs.
I gotta go.
But last night, I thought that was special.
I cannot believe I let this happen again.
I'm such an idiot falling for a Romantic? I'm moving too fast, huh? I can be cool.
I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again.
I can't get involved with somebody who lives like this.
Wait, wait.
You're not seeing me at my best.
On Thursdays I volunteer at the food bank.
Please! Please, give me another chance.
I'm sorry, I can't.
I can't.
Wait! Calliope, I love you.
I love you? Stupid, stupid, stupid! You're moving too fast, man! Bad day for piggies! Now you're dealing with a man who's got nothing to lose! (Gunshots firing) He's got an automatic; where the hell is the backup? I know, I texted like 15 minutes ago.
You texted for backup?! Why not call? I'm self conscious on the phone, I my voice sounds weird.
Stop screwing around, call for backup.
Okay, here's what happened: it auto corrected from backup to bacon and I sent the text to my mom and not the station.
Carrie, you wanted some bacon? Mom, no! Mom, you're hit! (Grunting) It's just a scratch, dear.
Don't let me distract you from your work.
Damn, this just got real.
Get used to it, kid.
That's life and death in Sunnyside.
Hey hon.
Do you want to put some cartoons on for Jenny and give me a foot rub, hm? What, are you two heading out? - Yeah.
- At this time, isn't it kinda late? Me and Jenny were just going to get some fresh air before bedtime.
I guess.
Yeah, it's just father daughter bonding, you know? Okay.
Okay, here you go.
Say "Bye", Jenny.
Bye.
Okay Jenny.
And here we go.
(Chanting "Fight") (Cheering) Okay folks.
Money up! Are you ready for the next do-si-do? Then let's go! Fight, fight, fight, fight! (Chanting) (Cheering) Come on, Jenny, smash Ethan.
Come on, Ethan, crush her! (Bell ringing) Smash Ethan, smash him, you can do it, come on.
Come on, honey! Crush her or I'll put that clown mobile back over your bed.
That's it, that's mommy's little boy.
(Punching) (Screaming) Pin that little twerp! (Punching) (Cheering) Get back in get back in there! (Crying) Get back in there, Jenny.
Get him, kill him! Come on, get in there, Ethan! Is that a weapon? Where's the ref? (Punching) Just remember, Ethan, you can be replaced.
Pull the hair, yes! (Punching) Yes, yeah! (Bell ringing) (Grunting) Yes! In your face, Alicia, the mom from Circle Time.
In your face.
Best two out of three.
My baby can eat your baby's brains.
Uh, bum butter.
I gotta go, sorry guys.
Sorry.
I'll see you on Wednesday, Tim.
Okay, folks.
Let's go! Money up! (Cheering) (Meowing) You did so good.
Honey? This is it? What's the matter, Jenny? You fighting like a boy? (Cooing) Now get back in there and let's kick some diaper.
Oh.
Let me get that for you, Penny.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, have we met? Have we met? You only followed me for a year, so yeah, I think we've met.
I followed you? On Twitter.
I'm MollyLovesCats22.
Picture me but with a cat.
Oh.
Right, well it's it's nice to see you.
So, you, uh, unfollowed me.
Oh, well, I felt like virtual interaction was creating distance so I decided to cut back.
Well, you follow 412 people, Penny, I think that there's room for me.
You follow gojiberries for cripes sakes.
So? Goji Berries don't tweet, Penny! Twitter is not the centre of my life.
Oh really? Is that why you live tweeted your organic grocery shopping? Nobody cares that you make your own kale chips.
Nobody.
If you don't like what I tweet then you don't have to follow me.
Besides, it's none of your damn business who I follow.
MumfordFanatic16 didn't want to follow me anymore either.
(Screaming) Too bad.
Uh you didn't let me finish.
It's none of your damn business who I follow, and I choose to follow you.
Yeah, my stupid phone must've pocket unfollowed you.
I don't (Sighing) Of course, that's what happened.
(Awkward laughing) So, my tweets, which ones are your favourite? Uh, the ones about the cats! Mine too! (Awkward laughing) Sometimes they're 150 characters and I have to work really hard to get them down to 140.
But, uh, luckily I'm good at cutting.
I'm just gonna add you now.
Oh, let me help you with that.
You're accidentally dialing 9-1-1.
Goofy.
(Awkward laughing) Oh, score! Hey, Georgette, there's Kimmy! Kimmy! Kimmy! (Urinating) DENISE: Kimmy! Hey Denise! Oh, luxury sedan, that is so you, Kimmy.
Oh Denise, not more footwear.
Aren't they cute? The jewels are probably fake.
You should have them appraised.
Oh my god.
You know who those girls remind me of? I know, us.
DENISE: Except they are going into the Dark Roast and I can't go in there since I beat up that skank in the bathroom.
I'm so sorry about that, Georgette.
(Laughing) Look at us now.
A lot can happen in a week.
(Laughing) You know what? Once they see that we're all friends they're going to be happy to have us in there.
First round's on me, I assume the establishment accepts beer cans.
Out, out, out, out, out! Don't come back.
I've been kicked out of way better places, I used to work at the mall.
(Growling) Well, behind the mall.
How dare they throw us out just because we're not a part of the stroller set? Is it my fault that I'm childless? I mean, I always said career first, family second.
I know.
(Gasping) Kimmy, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Why am I so itchy? Even better.
You are positively glowing.
Am I sashaying? I feel like I'm sashaying.
(Baby crying) Oh crap.
(Baby crying) (Baby crying) (Moaning) Oh baby, oh, do you like that? Oh, sweetie, you're on my hair.
Oh, you're almost there? No, on my hair.
Oh, baby, you like that? Ow, you're on my hair! I'm sorry.
What happened to us? We used to be champions in bed and now it's like trying to bathe the cat.
Is it me? Is it is it something I'm doing? No.
No, it's just hard to get in the mood with that damn bleeding wall.
(Eerie noise) I thought I could get used to it, but it's just such a distraction.
Yeah.
You knew the house had a bleeding wall when we bought it.
A spacious 200 square foot master bedroom, lots of light.
(Dripping) Is that a bleeding wall? Um, yes, it is in fact a bleeding wall, it's original too.
What kind of house has a bleeding wall? They're hugely expensive to put in, but you don't have to, it's here.
You actually think we'd buy a house with a bleeding wall? Did I mention that the ensuite has a sauna? Oh, a sauna? Cool.
(Eerie noise) Graham, either that wall gets fixed or our privates never meet again.
Shooo, get outta here, you bum! (Horn honking) Watch where you're going, deadbeat! (Wind blowing) (Children giggling) What did you get for number 7? HOLE: The capital of South Dakota is Pierre.
That's what I got.
Oh, and how do I kill my stupid brother? HOLE: Only one question each.
Next! I wish this neighbourhood had Wi-Fi.
I think Jessica at the gym is avoiding me.
HOLE: Is there a question there? Okay, uh, what does Jessica think of me? HOLE: She adores you, she's just waiting for you to make the first move.
Really? HOLE: No, not really.
Why does nobody get it when I do sarcasm? Next.
How do I make hollandaise sauce? HOLE: What? You seem out of sorts, brother? Maybe it's this job interview this morning.
I'm not very good at job interviews or anything else.
What if I could guarantee that you got this job? (Thunder crashing) What was that? Oh, we need new wiring.
(Buzzing) Also, if you like the thunderstorm ambient track we sell the CD right here.
Oh, no thank you.
Your name (Thunder crashing) Shaytan is that? It sounds like Yes.
That's a girl's name, isn't it? It could be either, like Pat or Mary.
Hey, look at that giraffe! Where did this come from? By the way, no giraffe.
This promises me success, but first I have to Come to my house tonight and give unto me your immortal soul, now sign in blood! What did I just tell you Shaytan? No blood signing near the food service.
You will have to sign in the men's room.
Teacher: Namaste everyone.
Let's begin by taking a few deep breaths.
(Deep breathing) Teacher: And out.
(Deep breathing) Teacher: Breathe in.
Is no one else finding it really hot in here? Teacher: And out.
And moving into child's pose.
Okay, but Breathe into your backs.
Is there a window we can open up in here? It's crazy.
(Sighing) Teacher: And moving into downward dog.
(Deep breathing) Teacher: Feel that stretch.
Feel like I'm in hell.
Anybody? And into plank.
Honestly, I hate this.
Teacher: Plank.
Yeah, I'm just gonna take a break for some water here because I am burning up.
Am I on fire, teacher? (Grunting) Teacher: And relax.
Seriously, it is crazy hot in here, right? Shh.
Okay, you shh, buddy.
You could just leave.
I paid $7, so I can't just leave.
Wow, it's hot in here! Deep breaths.
(Deep breathing) Good.
Yeah, I'm gonna barf.
HOLE: Because it's hot yoga, so it's hot.
No, I get that.
I get that.
I just mean, like, why is it so hot? HOLE: Next! Do you know where I can find a bleeding wall guy? HOLE: Handy Hank, he's half assed but his rates are good.
Thanks, Hole.
HOLE: Next! Oh yeah, yep, that's blood.
Mmm, boy is that ever blood.
Any idea where it's coming from? You're the wall guy, you're supposed to tell us.
Yeah, I'm a wall guy, alright? But, uh, you need a bleeding wall guy for this.
Well, do you know a bleeding wall guy? There's Jed.
Yeah, you know, he's a bleeding wainscoting guy.
Do you have a number? No, there's no number.
You've gotta leave a dead goat on your lamppost out front.
Where are we gonna find a dead goat? I may have a dead goat in my truck, but it's not gonna be cheap.
Well, it's, uh, it's a little better.
(Eerie noises) Now we can finally get back to being sex champions.
No, wait.
Graham, I don't think that it's the wall that was ruining the mood.
It's not the wall? I spent 7 grand on the repair guy, the dead goat and the poster, and the poster was only a dollar of that, but still I'm sorry, Graham.
Maybe it's the mattress, you know? Maybe the maybe the mattress is too old.
Or, maybe I'm a lesbian.
What? I can't stop thinking about Maria at work, she fills my every waking thought.
Her hands, her neck, her big thick neck.
It's not fair to you, Graham.
There's only one thing that we can do.
There's a mattress sale at Mattress, Mattress, Mattress.
Okay.
What the hell, man? What? What is it? Well, I didn't get the job.
I went in all confident and then and nothing.
Alright, I trusted you.
You don't have any powers, you're you're nothing but a fraud.
So are you not coming over tonight? I'm making s'mores.
(Thunder crashing) Let's go, Samson.
You.
You came back.
Yeah.
I figured since I missed breakfast I could cook you a nice lamb dinner tonight.
I thought you were gone.
I can't keep protecting myself.
I gotta take a chance.
If you love me, well, I think I love you too.
Yeah, listen I've had some time to think about that.
COP: Let's go, perp.
Sorry about dinner, I guess it's not going to work out.
Well, you're gonna call me, right? First call's to my lawyer.
You son of a bitch.
You're a real piece of work, pal.
Yeah, but I'm available.
Free and easy if I make bail.
Go easy on my heart.
Bad boys.
He shot my mom.
(Wind blowing) Hey, stop, thief! Come back, he took my purse! Get him! (Banging) Oh! (Grunting) Cover John Doe, here.
I'll close the street.
(Voice on police radio) MAN: Hey, they closed the street, street party! WOMAN: Street party! MAN: Party.
Hot dog, get your red hots.
I'll set up the bouncy castle.
Hot dog.
Thank you.
Evening, Officer.
Who cares why they closed the street? Let's party! This is a chance to get the band together.
Woman: Good one! Hey kid, take this.
(Gunshots firing) Woo! (Gunshots firing)