Svetlana (2010) s01e01 Episode Script

Yes, you will see big sign.
St. Petersburg house
of discrete pleasure.
No don't worry I have 4 daughters,
one for every kind of
Man.
No there are several packages,
there is a family pack, we have
Weekend pack,
we have jumbo pack.
I have smart one yes,
she's not the prettiest but she's very
Smart.
No the pretty one she doesn't
have brains but she has good
Skills.
Oh look at this,
this is fantastic.
Can I have this
in my size please?
Hello, can I have this in my size,
you see what my size is
Yes?
No actually I can't in that dress,
its kinda big.
Little attitude Britney,
size zero, boobs, thank you.
You look more like a 6 or an 8.
Okay fine give me 6 or 8, give me 14,
I don't care, I just want
To it with the shoes.
What size shoe are you mam?
Size 94, I don't know just
get me the shoes okay?
Fantastic.
Okay no I have to go in store,
okay well see you soon Peter,
Call the number, ask for Vlad.
Say you spoke to Svetlana to
schedule appointment, your
Special client recommended by.
Ma'am could you please
get off the phone.
Met recommended you yes,
okay we'll talk to you soon Peter,
Okay bye bye.
Here you go dear.
Oh dear, nobody has ever called
me dear, that's very nice.
Oh well you have a nice day.
Thank you you are
not so bad you know?
You had little prissy like can
up the butt, but you are a nice
Girl.
Oh thank you.
Oh you have a nice day,
okay loosen up, sexuality, its good
For us all.
Okay you too.
Svetlana, I've come
to take you home baby.
Take me home, I haven't seen you
in 15 years, how did you find
Me?
I just asked around.
Look at you.
You're so glamorous now,
sweetheart.
Steve I'm not coming back to
Minneapolis, I mean what we had
Was great, but it was technical,
I've moved on.
It wasn't it was
love is what we had.
You met me for 3 weeks,
you ordered me from catalogue,
Steve.
You think I forgot that?
Remember her?
Because I do.
My little Kremlin rose, my wife.
What did you expect,
love at first sight, making baby
Together?
Look I have to go,
okay it was really good to see you.
No, no, you have to go
with me to Minneapolis.
I'm not going to Minneapolis,
my driver is waiting outside.
No please, please Svetlana,
you have to come.
Phil, Phil.
I'm not having a good day.
Smooth hands.
I got you a nice shirt.
Svetlana you don't need to do that,
you don't need to buy
That.
When are you getting limo,
you promise me limo?
Its on order,
that's what the guy told me.
Whose that?
Nobody.
Is that, do I need
to handle him?
I can handle him.
He's a disgruntled client,
disgruntled client.
Yes, yes, you got your waxing
appointment, I signed you up for
The Nicaraguan this time.
Last time I took your advice,
and they carved something out
For me it said welcome.
That's what I'm talking about,
see because you have a very
Creative clientele, you got to
appeal to their sensibilities.
Yes dear.
Oh phone call maybe
it's a client.
How did you get this number?
Who is that?
Hang up.
What do you mean you are here?
Hang up on him.
No I'm done with,
give me the phone.
I have respectable
business now, I do not.
Fine one hour.
Give me the phone.
One hour.
That's it.
This is my day off and no
political discussions huh, sex
Only and none of
the kinky stuff.
Stop imitating your sister,
its your move.
Smiley, smiley.
That's my job.
My cousin can give you
a much better sign.
Mommy.
Give me kiss.
You are playing with
your unemployed father?
Yep.
Fantastic.
How did the interview go with?
Portia Portia.
Yeah Portia means he didn't go.
Mama.
Hey little man.
Looks like you've could
jump him right there.
You don't jump its chess.
You know you are as
good as you ever were.
You are magic in
my arms Svetlana.
We had good times together.
Remember that first winter
festival event, when you dropped
The popcorn and you have
butter on your beard?
Yes, yes.
I don't know you anymore,
you know, with all this nuclear
Rhetoric, what's going on?
I have been depressed.
What, why?
I'm tired of being a second,
this, that, supreme leader, how
Can I compete?
My only outlet are them Svetlana,
you must understand
That.
But you are looking like bad
with all this anti Zionist
Rhetoric, its so 1986.
Less rhetoric, more going green.
Think Eco friendly okay.
You know I'm driving Honda civic
the last two weeks just to make
A deal for us.
Did you see that movie something
Christine Christine Barcelona?
Yeah you know what,
I'm off Woody Allen.
Ever since he moved out of new
York I just don't relate to him
Anymore.
What about Javier Bardem,
come on.
If I was a woman I'd
be all over him.
You know they are all in
Barcelona, Spain its so
Beautiful, the romantic city,
I mean just like.
I was crying, I was really,
really crying at the end.
It was so moving for me.
Hey you.
It reminded me when
I met Svetlana.
Oh this was down, we are
done we have to go I'm sorry.
You know I did this
special freebie for you.
But wait,
we have a gift for you.
Not another burka.
How did you know?
Every time you bring me burka I
have 5 already, they all look
The same.
But this one has a
very high thread count.
Okay very good, soft on my skin,
fantastic, okay great dressed
And go.
Okay bye bye.
He says thank you very much Svetlana,
it was very good to
See you again and for
the sexual intercourse.
Fantastic, thank you.
Yes.
Okay, bye bye.
Bye bye.
You forgot bag.
Oh my God, fuck.
Deeny, deeny you
forgot your bag.
Yellowcake, oh fuck.
Hey.
What is that?
Nothing.
What is that?
Yellowcake.
Yellowcake are you crazy?
My client left it
here its not my fault.
We have to get rid of
it before he comes back.
What do you want me to do?
Send it to the man.
What do you have against Obama?
Not that he never comes here,
you said its nothing, no
Response, discounts nothing.
Yeah because its his wife,
she's the problem, not him.
Send it to him anyway.
I'm not going to send yellowcake
to Barack Obama, that's a stupid
Idea.
Why not?
It's a stupid idea.
Look at this stuff, I'm going to
bring it to beef and he's going
To sell it and make
a little profit.
No beef, no beef, you promised
no more Shady deals with beef.
I know what to do okay,
this is my yellowcake I will decide.
Fine I'm leaving.
Get Phil.
Yeah ill get Phil.
Get Phil for me, tell him we
are leaving to go to beef.
Goodbye, Phil.
You shouldn't of taken his
call in the first place.
I know, I told you so,
I told you so, I told me so.
Sometimes I have to take old clients,
what are you going to
Do.
If I'm to do be respected in
political arena, I have to be
Equal opportunity lender.
You know I got to say,
having that stuff in the car, just
Makes me kinda skeepy.
Don't worry its in the trunk,
okay its okay, you are
Protected, I am your barrier.
You know I got this mole on my
neck and I feel like that stuff
Is making it pulse.
Maybe you have something else.
You lose eyelash you
have panic attack.
Eyelashes fall off,
what do you want?
Don't worry okay, we go to this guy,
he moves the units, we make
A little profit.
This arms guy is going
to be able to handle it?
Yes this arms guy is one of the
best arm guys in the world.
He is moving units
like nobody's business.
Oh here it is, here it is.
Beef, hello.
Hello Svetlana.
Man alright.
You look fantastic.
Why wouldn't I look fantastic,
I got the world by the tail.
You are doing good,
you are doing good.
You look great too Svetlana.
Thank you I have the
world by the yellowcake.
What?
Yes you heard me.
No.
Yellcake, direct.
Happy birthday to me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I want to smear
that on some toast.
Okay.
Okay fantastic,
well I need this moved.
And I came to you because
I know you can handle it.
I hope you want to make a lot of
money because that's what we are
Going to do.
Good, good I'm very
happy to hear that.
I knew I could count on you.
Fantastic, I think we should sell it,
start with Uzbekistan
And move East.
Lets keep it a
little more local.
We can go fast, we can go to UK,
I know you have some Indian guys
In Britain.
Maybe bring it even further.
Okay well New York.
I know you have
guys in new York.
No, no I'm thinking Southern
orange county, San Bernardino
County, like redlands
I know a guy.
You know a guy in redlands,
that deals yellowcake.
He will now believe me.
He's a big criminal and I have
some stolen bikes that he boom
Just got rid of in like you
know like within 4 weeks.
Beef we are talking about yellowcake,
I don't think a guy
In orange county is
going to help us.
Right well, I hope he will
because he's been known to call
Me back.
What about your
contacts in the Stan?
Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan,
Tajikistan, Pakistan?
I mean one winter
and you used to be.
I got so far flung, I got so,
I got so spread out that I just
Couldn't handle it.
Are you still dealing with
radioactive materials?
Its been a while, its been a
little while since I've moved
Anything this hot but believe
me I am eager to get my hands on
It.
So who are we going to move
it to because I need to make.
I have a friend Jack.
He owns like a surf shop.
A surf shop.
What's surf?
He moves weed,
you know and stuff like that.
Does he even know
what yellowcake is?
Ill tell him.
No beef.
Ill explain to him.
Beef what is going on?
What's happening?
You know the economy.
You are moving bicycles.
Well among other things.
We had a big shipment of frozen food,
you know stolen hot stuff.
Alright you know beef I
don't have time for this.
I mean I don't I have to move this,
I have to go home and make
Dinner.
This is the best thing that's
happened to me in a while and
I've been living in my car and
this is going to put me back on
The map and I
really am grateful.
Well what happened?
You are crying.
I think I did everything the
same way and it stopped working
And then nobody would call me.
I'm sorry.
No crying.
You know when you cry its
like when you use to cry and
Ejaculate, I couldn't
understand what you wanted.
I still do that,
I still do that.
Beef, I'm sorry,
you're a very nice guy.
Don't judge me or it
will happen again.
Okay, okay I'm going to go okay?
Please don't,
just leave this bag.
I can't leave it, I have to I
have to get rid of it, I can't
Leave it with you, okay,
I can't leave it with you.
Its going to make
some great bombs.
Its, I'm sorry.
Please try and contain
your emotions okay?
I wish I had an office,
why am I in a park, this is ridiculous.
I don't know, I thought this was
your new ecologically friendly
Attitude but I see
that I was wrong.
Right, right.
Well good luck
moving that Svetlana.
Its going be alright,
I'm gonna get back on my feet.
I have to get back for dinner,
I have to get back before Vlad
Finds out something is wrong.
Alright, ill take care of it.
You'll take care of it,
you have somebody to sell it to?
An old buddy of mine is in waste
and sanitation, he can make
Anything disappear.
And he's trustworthy?
Eh.
That's good, I don't need
him to be trustworthy.
Okay good, yeah no.
He's sketchy.
Yeah this guys perfect.
Dre.
Hey Dre man I've been
looking all over for you.
I went to your office they
said you weren't there anymore.
No no, man,
I'm back on the streets.
What happened man you were
district manager right?
Politics man.
Its alright though man,
I like it on the streets anyways,
That's where I belong you know ,
walking the earth and stuff you
Know, just being
with the people.
Look, I need your help.
Of course anything man.
I have some waste that
I need to dispose of.
That ain't no problem man,
got you.
Its um, its yellowcake uranium.
What?
You wire me man?
You wire me?
No I'm not wearing a wire,
why would I be wearing a wire, I'm
The one holding the uranium.
Man what is this outfit,
for Al I know you're like an undercover
Spy or something.
No man, I'm a driver,
a professional driver.
Welcome to the club.
Well, my situation a little
bit different then yours.
Damn.
Well not that there's
anything wrong with your.
Oh my bad Phil I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that you don't like
having your trash picked up by
The city.
My bad ill make sure
I put the word in.
Look man, can you just
help me get rid of this.
I don't know Phil, I mean,
listen if you had some like
Plutonium or maybe some smallpox
I could help you but not no
Yellowcake man, not today.
Wait, wait, after everything
I've done for you.
Oh hey Phil can I use your apartment,
I got this little
Hottie over here.
Hey Phil can you tell my wife
that I'm out bowling with you?
Phil can you go in my bed and
pretend to be me tonight?
All that, that
doesn't mean nothing?
But when you brought me that
half black half philippino baby
And said hide this,
I didn't ask no questions.
Oh, oh, bandit,
that was only one baby.
You know fine,
I guess we even then, alright?
There's a big difference between
me not trying to get divorced
And me trying to
blow up the earth.
That stuff don't balance out man,
that ain't fair, Phil, what
You asking is not equal
to what I've asked.
Just be ke that.
Alright man.
Ill handle this on my own.
Good man that's what you should
have been doing before you came
Here.
See that's what friends
are for, whatever.
Bye Dion Warwick.
Dumbass.
I hate black people.
(Russian).
Vlad did you get that job?
No, who needs, please, Svetlana,
she makes money like boom boom
Boom, you know.
Yeah why would a man want to
work for a living you know?
That's what I'm saying.
Vlad likes collard greens.
I love you so much.
What did you do
with the yellowcake?
I couldn't do anything with it,
my buddy in sanitation when out
On his root.
Fuck his root,
get rid of the yellowcake.
Boris you want some
collard greens?
No, no.
Why not?
I don't like your collard green.
That's great, good boy.
Have more, you like my food.
What is going on?!
Can I go now?
Please get out.
Its me Svetlana,
what do you think you are doing?
Iom screwing the
heck out of her.
Don't get another pump in her.
I see what you are doing.
Stop it.
Okay get up, up right now.
Stop.
I didn't move.
You always tried.
Dinner is ready, go sit down.
Yeah what did I do,
w hat's wrong?
You paid for marina,
and you take Olga and marina.
Yeah you know what here's why.
Marina she is
boring in the sack.
That's why she's cheap at $60 an hour,
that's bargain base, its
Nice prices.
Really, listen.
Okay put your hand up my cooch
I smack you with spatula.
How long have I known you, huh,
how long have I known you?
Okay, you know, Ted.
15 years.
15 years.
Okay you can't throw me some
free snatchola once in a while?
You know what, phrasing it like
that is not going to help you.
I'm trying to speak
your language.
This my language,
snatchel is not Russian.
(Russian).
Suddenly I don't want to eat it.
Well I'm sorry to hear that,
you are so.
Collard greens, stay here,
don't move, get dressed, Vlad is
Coming in to ring you up, okay?
Svetlana real quick.
Would you just watch,
because if you watch, I can just get a
Little.
Ted you are talking to the wall.
Enough, wrap it up.
Would you listen at least?
Just listen.
Pretend your listening.
Oh God she's listening,
oh I can tell.
She will do anybody who
has hair, any hair.
He has good hair.
Enough, he did not pay for two,
he paid for family pack, not
Triple family pack.
You talk to this one.
(Russian).
Shut up, shut up already,
okay, okay simmer down.
No one is complaining.
You want pizza hut?
You want pizza hut,
you want to cook?
Whose cooking for you?
You barely break
$4000 last week.
Who paid for your
tickets for maroon 5?
Who paid?
You.
I paid.
For money that I made.
200 clients last month.
You didn't buy me a
birthday present.
You want to go to Radiohead.
Yeah.
Eat your food, eat your food.
Boris eat your food.
Were going to Radiohead?
You are not going to Radiohead,
you are staying to do nothing
And touch yourself.
Who is that?
This is my family in here,
you are my wife and these are my
Kids.
Simmer down, its okay its okay.
Daddy is having a hard day let
mommy and daddy talk just for
Second kids.
Steve these are not your children,
I have not seen you in
15 years.
I am your husband.
Vladi is my husband.
I've lost everything
because of you.
You lost everything what do
you mean you lost everything?
I spent all my savings looking
for you and then I tried to refi
The house and it cost me way
more then I had and foreclosed
On it.
Well Steve I'm sorry
I had no idea.
We don't feel American because
we deal with sex, and in sex
There is no recession.
I want you to come back with me,
please, please.
I can't, this scares me,
but I cannot come back with you, okay?
What I can do for you is
include you in the family.
Maybe give you job.
I would be working with you?
You would be working with me,
side by side.
Okay?
Take uncle Steve
for good time okay.
Take him for good time.
Don't worry,
she's not your daughter.
Come me with Mr uncle.
There we go.
Ill tell you about
your grandparents.
Okay.
That's what happens when you
get ordered from catalogue.
That's what happens.
I love you, I love you.
Hey.
Hey honey.
You okay?
Yeah I'm just tired you know,
lots of drama today.
Oh yes.
Yeah.
Look I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to yell.
I didn't mean to yell I was
the one who sent you away like
Little Butler,
what is this, Benson?
The black guy.
I liked him, it was really good.
I know, I know.
The only reason I wanted you to
ship it to Obama is so you could
Pick up some supplies.
Honey therapist said
no more kinky fetish.
I know but that's the only
way I can get an erection.
Well we have to start simple
without supplies, then we work
Our way back up.
Okay.
You know its fun for me too.
It is?
Yeah.
Alright.
But I'm trying to help you out.
Keep it simple,
blankets and shits alright.
I will.
You are so good.
I love you.
I love you too.
Have fun touching yourself.
I will.
Packages.
Hello.
I'd like to send this please,
its fragile, its yellowcake.
What is it?
Yellowcake.
Yellowcake.
Oh.
Uranium.
Uranium.
Yeah so something sturdy.!
Don't touch it, don't breathe on it,
stay very far away from
Package.
Okay.
Okay just you know maybe
glove maybe hair net.
Okay.
Okay just make sure because
its very okay just sensitive.
You said the address.
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,
Barack Obama.
Oh okay.
Okay.
Can I have the peanuts.
Lots of peanuts.
Okay and bubble wrap,
put bubble wrap.
Sure.
Just say when.
More, more, more,
yeah jeep going, keep going.
More, more, more.
Okay stop.
Okay fantastic.
Actually I'm going to take
that home with me okay?
That and some peanuts.
You can pack this up in whatever
you want, but that's for me.
Oh okay and you said you needed.
Yes give me the whole bag.
Okay.
Oh beautiful.
See I got it.
Absolutely, absolutely.
Okay.
Thank you so much.
Sure.
You are very nice.
And be careful with that okay?
Yeah.