Swedish Dicks (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 [Ingmar.]
We come into this world alone, and we leave this world alone.
In between, if we're lucky, we find someone we connect with.
Hey! No drink in the cemetery! But if you want to, just go ahead.
Dear friends, welcome to Los Angeles the La-La-Land where dreams can come true.
And actually, mine did.
At least, for a while.
Nowadays, I live in the darker areas of the city, Its not as pretty and a lot less sunny.
So how did a Swede like me end up in Los Angeles barely making a living as a private investigator.
That's a story for another day.
All you need to know for now, is that I was broke.
You have -one-new message.
Ingmar, it's me, Bill.
You owe me $6 000, motherfucker! With interest, that's $8000! Pay up! Or Die! So there I was, in a situation where if I didn't get some money and get it fast I would lose the business I had spent ten years building.
But sometimes Lady Luck smiles down on you.
No, shit! You'll never catch me, Ingmar! Of course, I will, Leo.
You need to eat less.
And work out more.
- What, you call me fat? - No, just calling you slow! - You're an dick! - Leo, I'm coming to get ya.
Oh, Leo! Leo! - Wait come back here! - Wait Wait, timeout! Timeout? You making it too easy, Leo.
I think I'm having a heart attack.
"I'm havin a heart attack".
You're such a drama queen.
- I'm serious! I'm having a.
.
aargh - Oh ye ye yeah I'm not buying it, Leo.
Come on.
Stand up.
We don't have time for this.
Leo!!! Leo? Shit! Live!! Live!! Live!! I need the money! Leo! Well, that didn't turn out so well, did it? With the bounty dead, I was basically dead.
Private Dicks 1x01 Sep 2, 2016 [motor whines.]
[elevator bell dings.]
What are you doin'? Ingmar, you smell strange.
I do? [sniffs.]
Yeah, the smell of manhood.
No, smell like failure.
And desperation.
Speaking of, didn't you tell me that you had a friend that was gonna sell a body part for cash? - Yeah.
He make a lot of cash.
- Yeah? But then he died after operation.
Terrible, painful death.
Money pay for funeral, though.
Why you ask? No, no reason.
I Client come for you.
He in your office.
I let him in.
Jeez.
I am so sorry that I kept you waiting.
You're the dick? Yeah, I'm the dick.
Well, I'm a DJ, and my laptop, the one with all the music I've been recording the last year, was stolen.
Do you you have any idea who might have Axel.
Axel.
He's actually a Swede, like you.
I'm not a Swede, I'm an ex-Swede.
Whatever.
Well, he's also a DJ.
[dance music plays.]
Used to be kind of a big deal.
But then he couldn't handle the success.
[dance music plays.]
He went crazy.
Aaaaaah! He wasn't able to make any good music since then, so he stole my laptop to get some fresh material, fucking loser But before I dive into your case, I need to make sure that you can pay me for my services.
- How much? - Uh.
.
uhm [muttering in Swedish.]
Well ten grand?? Are you serious?? - Eih.
.
eight then? - Deal.
Alright.
But you think you can get my computer back? I'm sorry no I don't think so.
.
.
.
I know so.
[dance music plays.]
I hope you're all feeling the love.
.
I know I am! [dance music plays.]
Listen.
I have an idea.
Lets stop dreaming about the cars and start dreaming about the stars! [dance music plays.]
[Ingmar.]
Thanks to a lead from Theodore Axel was easy to find.
I was surprised that he was playing at a car lot.
But, who am I to talk.
Everybody has to do what they have to do to make a buck.
[dance music plays.]
What the fuck do you think you're doing? I'm just, opening people's hearts.
I don't want people opening their motherfucking hearts, I want people opening their motherfucking checkbooks.
Americans still actually write checks? I find that so interesting.
Shut the fuck up, and play some real music! No, no, no, keep it going.
I'm lovin the music, man.
I really lovin it - No, I'm ready to buy some cars.
- Ah.
.
thanks! I'm just an honest bastard, you know.
- What? You speak Swedish? - I speak Swedish.
- Not now.
Well, now I do.
- That I heard.
- (Boss) Hey! Come back here! - Nice to meet someone from Sweden.
- Fuck you! - Thank you.
I walked around everywhere, like crazy.
Hotels, airports A girl: "Can we have sex? Yes, no, or?" I'm DJ, so it's crazy.
Can I give you a hug? Lets get some drinks down us.
It is midsummer.
- It is January.
.
- It feels like midsummer! Okay.
- [traditional accordion music playing.]
- [horn honks.]
[slurping.]
Do you play all the instruments by yourself? Yeah.
No, I do everything on the computer.
- Wow, impressive.
- Uh-huh You know, back in the good old days you had to play instruments.
[laughs.]
- It gotta be a pretty big computer.
- No, its just a laptop.
Yeah? Where do you keep a computer like that? I keep it.
.
I keep it.
.
at my hotel.
Listen, forget about me I wanna hear about you.
- So, what, what.
.
do you live here? - Yeah, yeah.
Cool cool.
And, what do you do? Don't, wait, wait, let me guess.
You are retired.
But before you retired, where.
.
what did you do? [bartender.]
Okay guys, one more aqua velvet for the boy and another bourbon for the stuntman.
St-St-Stuntman? Oh yeah kiddo, you're sitting with a true legend.
No way! Get outa here.
So, you're a stuntman? You fight and you drive cars and jump off roofs.
.
like aah-hhee-haah? Arrrarrahaah? Aaaaaahhh! [laughing.]
Oh, my God.
Oh I wish I too could do something like that, you know.
Something physical.
Its Okay.
.
I feel disconnected from the real world.
You know, like a ghost in a machine.
Help! Help! I'm a ghost in a machine! [Ingmar.]
That little Swedish guy reminded me of my last girlfriend.
She talked too much and couldn't handle liquor.
[elevator bell dings.]
Hey do you know what I think? I think that something has brought us together.
Like, I.
.
I think you're here to save me from the digital world into your physical world.
- You're gonna make me stuntman.
- No! I'm not gonna make you stuntman.
Ah-c'mon, c'mon.
.
hit me.
.
hit me like a stuntman.
No, I'm not gonna hit you.
What? You, you think I can't handle pain? Well I can, I can.
Oi! Great get in.
- Are you Okay? - Yeah, never felt better.
You know what? This is so good for me.
Like, you are honest.
.
And you're.
.
you're straightforward.
But you're tough, like a dad.
You see, I never knew my father.
- Do, do you wanna be my dad? - No I donât want to be your dad.
Okay, music.
- Soooo, what do you wanna hear? - Well, you pick.
.
Know what.
.
here.
hold this.
I just need to W-Wait a minute.
[door closes.]
Hello? How's it going in there? [dance music plays.]
[music blaring.]
[snoring.]
[gasping.]
No!! Ah-haha! Can't believe you got it! Thanks man.
Hey - I owe you.
- Yeah, like eight thousand dollars.
- Yeah, about that.
.
I'm a little short.
- Whoa-o, we had a deal.
Oh, I can give you a thousand dollars.
We said eight thousand dollars.
Yeah well a thousand is better than nothing ha.
Hey, you better get Give me that.
Give me that.
Okay You can have this back when you have the money.
[panting.]
"Swedish Dick.
" What the fuck? - I want my money! - Okay, I'll give you the money.
Aaaah! [yells.]
[elevator bell dings.]
Sun! [tires screech.]
Hey! Come back here, you motherfucker! - Shit! - Where's my computer?! Huh? Where's my computer [Ingmar groans.]
Where is my computer?! Ow! Ow! Ou.
.
wai.
.
wai.
.
wait a minute The computer.
.
is yours? All my music was on it.
I want it back! Easier said than done.
Shit! - What? - I don't have it.
- Oh, you're lying.
- What? Its like when you said you were a stuntman.
You're a private detective.
- How the hell did you find that out? - Have you ever heard of GPS? You got a tracking device on your computer? Yes.
Help me up.
Get up to my office so you can get your computer back.
Ahh! - Did you do that on purpose? - Yes I did.
Fuck! He must have turned off the GPS.
It's clear he did it.
- Who is he? - He calls himself Theodore.
- What does he look like? - Like all snotty kids looks like.
But wait Sun! Sun! Sun! Can you describe the guy that was here with me the other day? He white.
- Like you.
Who you? - Who, me? - You make fun my English? - No, no, sorry.
[speaking Korean.]
You speak Korean? Well, just a little bit.
Picked it up when I was doing some DJing there.
In South or North? Only South Korea.
North Korea kinda freaks me out.
I from North Korea.
Sun.
.
can you please describe the guy? I remember.
He had a neck tattoo on neck.
A neck tattoo? It's - Is that him? - That's him.
I know who he is.
.
I know where we can find him.
Shit! I'm so stupid! I was DJ at this club [Ingmar.]
Axel explained how he had been making some good money DJing at a nightclub in The Valley.
And that's where he had met Theodore who was the bartender at the club.
So he said he loved my music and asked if I had written something new.
I was.
.
ah.
.
how can I be so stupid? I know.
.
it's my ego.
Ingmar, look at me.
Ingmar, look at me! I'm a whore.
I'm an emotional whore.
- Here it is.
That's his car.
- Are you sure? Yeah - Oh, shit.
- What? I know the guy who owns this place you don't wanna mess with him.
Here it is as promised the DJ's laptop.
He got songs in there.
.
songs that havenât been released? Yeah, some really good shit.
I'll be the fucking judge of that.
[music plays.]
Here it is.
- You know the place? - Yes.
Right - Is it real? - A Hairdryer.
Want it? No Open it, then.
[music plays.]
- You stay here.
- Shall I not come? Yip Great.
You got the money? - Oh.
.
is that ? - Blood.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
It's only human.
[whispers.]
Showtime.
Afternoon, ladies.
No! Hold it! Drop the gun.
Toss it on the ground.
Yes.
Who the fuck are you? And what the hell you doing in my club? I am a private dick, and this punk hired me to steal that computer.
I hired you to steal the computer and you - outsource it to another? - Yeah, I had shit to do.
Fucking millennial.
You know what, I'm gonna take that computer.
And I'll be on my way.
[Ingmar.]
I thought that we had an agreement.
Aright, this is gonna work out in one of two ways.
I'm either gonna have him shoot you and take the computer.
Or you gonna give me the computer, and then I'm gonna have him shoot you.
Huh.
Your choice.
Fuck you dick.
Shoot the guy.
One last request before you kill me? I would like you to send me off like an astronaut.
- What the fuck? - Ten! Nine! Eight seven six Five four three two one zero! [dance music plays.]
Hey! If you shoot me, I'm gonna shoot your boss.
What? What? Hey, what? I say I'm gonna shoot you if you shoot me.
- [music blaring.]
- I can't hear you! What? Axel! Axel! He hears nothing! Turn down the music! [music stops.]
Yeah.
I'm gonna shoot you if he shoots me.
Yeah, I understand.
You gonna gives us that computer, then and we're gonna walk outa here.
You understand? - That your music? - Yeah.
- Its good.
- Oh! Thanks.
- Always nice to meet a fan.
- I'm not your fucking fan.
But my son is.
He wants to be a disc jockey, but he's fucking talentless.
So I thought if I stoled your music and release it under his name he might be a success in the music business.
Otherwise, he's gonna go into the drug business like me and I don't want that life for him.
Wow.
Well That's just the nicest, strangest, nicest, weirdest thing I've ever heard.
[Ingmar.]
Hey Give this to your son.
[club owner.]
Really? Thank you.
What the hell are you doing? Have you gone crazy? I do not know.
Maybe.
But I think it's a good crazy.
Something powerful tells me that its time for change.
- It's time for change.
- Give him the money.
No way! This is my money.
[grunts.]
Fucking millennial.
Well, welcome to Los Angeles, boy.
[Ingmar.]
What are you gonna do now that you sold all your music? Eh? Well, I was thinking I'd come and work for you.
Excuse me? Well, you have to admit: we're a good team.
You're extremely annoying.
Well, so are you.
I still wanna work with you.
I can't even afford to pay myself.
So how can I hire you? No! You're not gonna hire me.
I'm gonna hire you.
Yeah, alright Partners.
[laughing.]
Never.
I always work alone.
That's a principle of mine.
I'll give you half.
See you Monday.
Well folks, that's the story of how I managed to pay off my debts and how the Swedish Dick became the Swedish Dicks.
I feel dick.
If you're still wondering how I went from being an award-winning stuntman to a small-time private investigator who drinks beer in the cemetery and who will eventually find himself tied up in a chair in an abandoned building with an assassin ready to kill me well, that's a story for another day.
We come into this world alone, and we leave this world alone.
In between, if we're lucky, we find someone we connect with.
Hey! No drink in the cemetery! But if you want to, just go ahead.
Dear friends, welcome to Los Angeles the La-La-Land where dreams can come true.
And actually, mine did.
At least, for a while.
Nowadays, I live in the darker areas of the city, Its not as pretty and a lot less sunny.
So how did a Swede like me end up in Los Angeles barely making a living as a private investigator.
That's a story for another day.
All you need to know for now, is that I was broke.
You have -one-new message.
Ingmar, it's me, Bill.
You owe me $6 000, motherfucker! With interest, that's $8000! Pay up! Or Die! So there I was, in a situation where if I didn't get some money and get it fast I would lose the business I had spent ten years building.
But sometimes Lady Luck smiles down on you.
No, shit! You'll never catch me, Ingmar! Of course, I will, Leo.
You need to eat less.
And work out more.
- What, you call me fat? - No, just calling you slow! - You're an dick! - Leo, I'm coming to get ya.
Oh, Leo! Leo! - Wait come back here! - Wait Wait, timeout! Timeout? You making it too easy, Leo.
I think I'm having a heart attack.
"I'm havin a heart attack".
You're such a drama queen.
- I'm serious! I'm having a.
.
aargh - Oh ye ye yeah I'm not buying it, Leo.
Come on.
Stand up.
We don't have time for this.
Leo!!! Leo? Shit! Live!! Live!! Live!! I need the money! Leo! Well, that didn't turn out so well, did it? With the bounty dead, I was basically dead.
Private Dicks 1x01 Sep 2, 2016 [motor whines.]
[elevator bell dings.]
What are you doin'? Ingmar, you smell strange.
I do? [sniffs.]
Yeah, the smell of manhood.
No, smell like failure.
And desperation.
Speaking of, didn't you tell me that you had a friend that was gonna sell a body part for cash? - Yeah.
He make a lot of cash.
- Yeah? But then he died after operation.
Terrible, painful death.
Money pay for funeral, though.
Why you ask? No, no reason.
I Client come for you.
He in your office.
I let him in.
Jeez.
I am so sorry that I kept you waiting.
You're the dick? Yeah, I'm the dick.
Well, I'm a DJ, and my laptop, the one with all the music I've been recording the last year, was stolen.
Do you you have any idea who might have Axel.
Axel.
He's actually a Swede, like you.
I'm not a Swede, I'm an ex-Swede.
Whatever.
Well, he's also a DJ.
[dance music plays.]
Used to be kind of a big deal.
But then he couldn't handle the success.
[dance music plays.]
He went crazy.
Aaaaaah! He wasn't able to make any good music since then, so he stole my laptop to get some fresh material, fucking loser But before I dive into your case, I need to make sure that you can pay me for my services.
- How much? - Uh.
.
uhm [muttering in Swedish.]
Well ten grand?? Are you serious?? - Eih.
.
eight then? - Deal.
Alright.
But you think you can get my computer back? I'm sorry no I don't think so.
.
.
.
I know so.
[dance music plays.]
I hope you're all feeling the love.
.
I know I am! [dance music plays.]
Listen.
I have an idea.
Lets stop dreaming about the cars and start dreaming about the stars! [dance music plays.]
[Ingmar.]
Thanks to a lead from Theodore Axel was easy to find.
I was surprised that he was playing at a car lot.
But, who am I to talk.
Everybody has to do what they have to do to make a buck.
[dance music plays.]
What the fuck do you think you're doing? I'm just, opening people's hearts.
I don't want people opening their motherfucking hearts, I want people opening their motherfucking checkbooks.
Americans still actually write checks? I find that so interesting.
Shut the fuck up, and play some real music! No, no, no, keep it going.
I'm lovin the music, man.
I really lovin it - No, I'm ready to buy some cars.
- Ah.
.
thanks! I'm just an honest bastard, you know.
- What? You speak Swedish? - I speak Swedish.
- Not now.
Well, now I do.
- That I heard.
- (Boss) Hey! Come back here! - Nice to meet someone from Sweden.
- Fuck you! - Thank you.
I walked around everywhere, like crazy.
Hotels, airports A girl: "Can we have sex? Yes, no, or?" I'm DJ, so it's crazy.
Can I give you a hug? Lets get some drinks down us.
It is midsummer.
- It is January.
.
- It feels like midsummer! Okay.
- [traditional accordion music playing.]
- [horn honks.]
[slurping.]
Do you play all the instruments by yourself? Yeah.
No, I do everything on the computer.
- Wow, impressive.
- Uh-huh You know, back in the good old days you had to play instruments.
[laughs.]
- It gotta be a pretty big computer.
- No, its just a laptop.
Yeah? Where do you keep a computer like that? I keep it.
.
I keep it.
.
at my hotel.
Listen, forget about me I wanna hear about you.
- So, what, what.
.
do you live here? - Yeah, yeah.
Cool cool.
And, what do you do? Don't, wait, wait, let me guess.
You are retired.
But before you retired, where.
.
what did you do? [bartender.]
Okay guys, one more aqua velvet for the boy and another bourbon for the stuntman.
St-St-Stuntman? Oh yeah kiddo, you're sitting with a true legend.
No way! Get outa here.
So, you're a stuntman? You fight and you drive cars and jump off roofs.
.
like aah-hhee-haah? Arrrarrahaah? Aaaaaahhh! [laughing.]
Oh, my God.
Oh I wish I too could do something like that, you know.
Something physical.
Its Okay.
.
I feel disconnected from the real world.
You know, like a ghost in a machine.
Help! Help! I'm a ghost in a machine! [Ingmar.]
That little Swedish guy reminded me of my last girlfriend.
She talked too much and couldn't handle liquor.
[elevator bell dings.]
Hey do you know what I think? I think that something has brought us together.
Like, I.
.
I think you're here to save me from the digital world into your physical world.
- You're gonna make me stuntman.
- No! I'm not gonna make you stuntman.
Ah-c'mon, c'mon.
.
hit me.
.
hit me like a stuntman.
No, I'm not gonna hit you.
What? You, you think I can't handle pain? Well I can, I can.
Oi! Great get in.
- Are you Okay? - Yeah, never felt better.
You know what? This is so good for me.
Like, you are honest.
.
And you're.
.
you're straightforward.
But you're tough, like a dad.
You see, I never knew my father.
- Do, do you wanna be my dad? - No I donât want to be your dad.
Okay, music.
- Soooo, what do you wanna hear? - Well, you pick.
.
Know what.
.
here.
hold this.
I just need to W-Wait a minute.
[door closes.]
Hello? How's it going in there? [dance music plays.]
[music blaring.]
[snoring.]
[gasping.]
No!! Ah-haha! Can't believe you got it! Thanks man.
Hey - I owe you.
- Yeah, like eight thousand dollars.
- Yeah, about that.
.
I'm a little short.
- Whoa-o, we had a deal.
Oh, I can give you a thousand dollars.
We said eight thousand dollars.
Yeah well a thousand is better than nothing ha.
Hey, you better get Give me that.
Give me that.
Okay You can have this back when you have the money.
[panting.]
"Swedish Dick.
" What the fuck? - I want my money! - Okay, I'll give you the money.
Aaaah! [yells.]
[elevator bell dings.]
Sun! [tires screech.]
Hey! Come back here, you motherfucker! - Shit! - Where's my computer?! Huh? Where's my computer [Ingmar groans.]
Where is my computer?! Ow! Ow! Ou.
.
wai.
.
wai.
.
wait a minute The computer.
.
is yours? All my music was on it.
I want it back! Easier said than done.
Shit! - What? - I don't have it.
- Oh, you're lying.
- What? Its like when you said you were a stuntman.
You're a private detective.
- How the hell did you find that out? - Have you ever heard of GPS? You got a tracking device on your computer? Yes.
Help me up.
Get up to my office so you can get your computer back.
Ahh! - Did you do that on purpose? - Yes I did.
Fuck! He must have turned off the GPS.
It's clear he did it.
- Who is he? - He calls himself Theodore.
- What does he look like? - Like all snotty kids looks like.
But wait Sun! Sun! Sun! Can you describe the guy that was here with me the other day? He white.
- Like you.
Who you? - Who, me? - You make fun my English? - No, no, sorry.
[speaking Korean.]
You speak Korean? Well, just a little bit.
Picked it up when I was doing some DJing there.
In South or North? Only South Korea.
North Korea kinda freaks me out.
I from North Korea.
Sun.
.
can you please describe the guy? I remember.
He had a neck tattoo on neck.
A neck tattoo? It's - Is that him? - That's him.
I know who he is.
.
I know where we can find him.
Shit! I'm so stupid! I was DJ at this club [Ingmar.]
Axel explained how he had been making some good money DJing at a nightclub in The Valley.
And that's where he had met Theodore who was the bartender at the club.
So he said he loved my music and asked if I had written something new.
I was.
.
ah.
.
how can I be so stupid? I know.
.
it's my ego.
Ingmar, look at me.
Ingmar, look at me! I'm a whore.
I'm an emotional whore.
- Here it is.
That's his car.
- Are you sure? Yeah - Oh, shit.
- What? I know the guy who owns this place you don't wanna mess with him.
Here it is as promised the DJ's laptop.
He got songs in there.
.
songs that havenât been released? Yeah, some really good shit.
I'll be the fucking judge of that.
[music plays.]
Here it is.
- You know the place? - Yes.
Right - Is it real? - A Hairdryer.
Want it? No Open it, then.
[music plays.]
- You stay here.
- Shall I not come? Yip Great.
You got the money? - Oh.
.
is that ? - Blood.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
It's only human.
[whispers.]
Showtime.
Afternoon, ladies.
No! Hold it! Drop the gun.
Toss it on the ground.
Yes.
Who the fuck are you? And what the hell you doing in my club? I am a private dick, and this punk hired me to steal that computer.
I hired you to steal the computer and you - outsource it to another? - Yeah, I had shit to do.
Fucking millennial.
You know what, I'm gonna take that computer.
And I'll be on my way.
[Ingmar.]
I thought that we had an agreement.
Aright, this is gonna work out in one of two ways.
I'm either gonna have him shoot you and take the computer.
Or you gonna give me the computer, and then I'm gonna have him shoot you.
Huh.
Your choice.
Fuck you dick.
Shoot the guy.
One last request before you kill me? I would like you to send me off like an astronaut.
- What the fuck? - Ten! Nine! Eight seven six Five four three two one zero! [dance music plays.]
Hey! If you shoot me, I'm gonna shoot your boss.
What? What? Hey, what? I say I'm gonna shoot you if you shoot me.
- [music blaring.]
- I can't hear you! What? Axel! Axel! He hears nothing! Turn down the music! [music stops.]
Yeah.
I'm gonna shoot you if he shoots me.
Yeah, I understand.
You gonna gives us that computer, then and we're gonna walk outa here.
You understand? - That your music? - Yeah.
- Its good.
- Oh! Thanks.
- Always nice to meet a fan.
- I'm not your fucking fan.
But my son is.
He wants to be a disc jockey, but he's fucking talentless.
So I thought if I stoled your music and release it under his name he might be a success in the music business.
Otherwise, he's gonna go into the drug business like me and I don't want that life for him.
Wow.
Well That's just the nicest, strangest, nicest, weirdest thing I've ever heard.
[Ingmar.]
Hey Give this to your son.
[club owner.]
Really? Thank you.
What the hell are you doing? Have you gone crazy? I do not know.
Maybe.
But I think it's a good crazy.
Something powerful tells me that its time for change.
- It's time for change.
- Give him the money.
No way! This is my money.
[grunts.]
Fucking millennial.
Well, welcome to Los Angeles, boy.
[Ingmar.]
What are you gonna do now that you sold all your music? Eh? Well, I was thinking I'd come and work for you.
Excuse me? Well, you have to admit: we're a good team.
You're extremely annoying.
Well, so are you.
I still wanna work with you.
I can't even afford to pay myself.
So how can I hire you? No! You're not gonna hire me.
I'm gonna hire you.
Yeah, alright Partners.
[laughing.]
Never.
I always work alone.
That's a principle of mine.
I'll give you half.
See you Monday.
Well folks, that's the story of how I managed to pay off my debts and how the Swedish Dick became the Swedish Dicks.
I feel dick.
If you're still wondering how I went from being an award-winning stuntman to a small-time private investigator who drinks beer in the cemetery and who will eventually find himself tied up in a chair in an abandoned building with an assassin ready to kill me well, that's a story for another day.