Tacoma FD (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

1 TERRY: And 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Time.
Six saltines in under a minute can't be done.
It's like concrete in here.
That's what they said about the 2-minute mile.
Nobody's ever run a 2-minute mile.
Watch and learn, chichi.
Okay, and go.
Six saltines all at once? You're smoking crack, dude.
If you want to get kooky, you could do five and one or four and two, but six altogether, you're just off the grid.
Although I must say, you are dominating those saltines.
Terry McConky is bitch-slapping these crackers.
You're gonna do it.
- You're gonna - [WHISTLES.]
45 seconds.
Wow! That's amazing.
The saltine challenge is, in fact, no challenge whatsoever.
- Pay up.
- Okay.
There you go.
How do you do it? I have a wet mouth super wet.
You know, it's the saliva that allows you to taste food, which means food must taste great to you.
It does.
It tastes great.
I really enjoyed my lunch today.
Okay.
I ask this next question with all due respect.
Which means you don't.
If someone is born with a wetter mouth than the average person, does that mean they are more likely to be plus-size because food tastes better to them? Or if you're born plus-size, maybe you're genetically born with a wetter mouth, which makes food tastier, which keeps you plus-sized.
Hmm.
Makes you think.
Yeah, real chicken-or-the-egg scenario, isn't it? Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
MAN: Tacoma Fire, animal rescue, 6984 Adams Avenue.
Please respond.
Let's hit it.
At least it stopped raining.
Holy shit, what is that, a llama? - An alpaca.
- What's the difference? A llama is bigger with longer ears, and alpacas get stuck in swing sets.
- What are you, an expert? - Google.
The owner said that the alpaca got stuck up there and now she can't navigate her way down.
Why don't you just harness it and lift it out? We can't.
We tried.
Why? 'Cause of the sharp teeth and claws? - [SCREAMING.]
- Whoa! - Oh, oh, oh! - Blegh! - Blegh! - Sneezing on him? When they're threatened, they spit.
- No kidding.
- Dude.
[SIGHS.]
Ooh.
I think I'm having an allergic reaction to the spit.
It's actually a gastric goo.
The bigger the threat, the more they reach down deep into their tri-part stomach and just It's really gross.
You got a tri-part stomach, right? [LAUGHS.]
Okay, hey.
Now what are you gonna do, huh? Oh! Oh! It's like catching gasoline! Aaah! God.
Hey, ask Google how to make it stop.
Uh Love.
That's what I needed to hear.
I need you to come back up and help distract this thing.
- How am I gonna do that? - Show your muscles.
Come on.
Hey, pretty girl.
You look so soft.
I just want to pet you all over.
Cap, it's not one of your divorcées, okay? That's not gonna work.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I got an idea.
Ohh! No, no, Chief, Chief, you don't want to do that.
Hey, buddy.
You got a lot of spit in your mouth? Hey.
Hey, buddy.
Yeah, I bet that dries that mouth right up.
All right, Ike, get the harness.
Get the harness.
Yeah, I got it, I got it.
O-kay.
[APPLAUSE.]
EDDIE: So what we really established is that your mouth is wetter than a llama's.
An alpaca, and you owe me 20 bucks.
Collect it from the llama.
Well, I'm hot blooded Check it and see Got a fever of 103 I'm hot blooded Check it out.
Package from the alpaca lady.
Ooh, an al-package? Uh, I can still smell that gastric goo.
As a show of thanks, she is providing us a $500 gift certificate for alpaca fleece goods.
Whoa! And they are soft.
Look at that alpacas.
- Whoo! - Choice.
Oh-ho.
Soft.
Surprisingly soft.
Oh, soft.
Super soft.
These mamas are soft.
Hey, wait a minute.
Do they kill alpacas for their fur? Ike, sadly they do.
Disgusting.
Oh, but so soft, though.
They make scarves, mittens, hats, sweaters, rugs, - jumpers - Ooh, I want a jumper.
I used to have a pair of alpaca booties once.
- Booties, huh? - Mm-hmm.
I'm a foot guy.
And they really help with those foot massages.
Ugh, I never let anybody touch my feet, except for my mom, obviously.
So, what are we gonna do with the gift certificate? Are we gonna split it or? I'm thinking station tournament of champions, - [GASPS.]
- winner takes all.
- Whoa! - Yes.
- We haven't had that in ages.
- That's what I'm saying.
It's raining outside, things are slow, let's do this.
- Hey, you guys file that alpaca report? - Already done.
Now we're about to do a station tournament of champions.
Ooh.
Okay.
What's the prize? We got a $500 gift certificate for alpaca fleece goods.
Wow.
Oh, hey.
This is nice.
Wow, this is really soft.
- I mean, like soft.
- Right? - Yeah, yeah.
- How do I look? It looks a little small.
What's the first event? Frostbite challenge, bitch.
Aw, let's light it up, Sparky.
EDDIE: Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
- How's that feel, huh? - You hate this.
You regret this, don't you? How do you like it? Nordic Viking power! Yeah.
Look at Andy, though.
He can't take it.
He's soft, like alpaca fur.
There you go.
TERRY: His little baby arm's gonna bleed on him.
- That's the problem.
- [ALL SHOUTING.]
- Hey! - Softie! He's a softie! Hey! No, no, no! Is this how you spend the taxpayers' money? Hey, Councilwoman, how are ya? - What's all this? - Uh, this is the frostbite challenge.
Oh! Oh, is this one of those, uh, viral things? I've been watching the Pittsburgh Police Department sing the "Hamilton" songs on a loop.
- Good PR.
- No, it's not PR.
- Charity? - Nope.
It's raining out, so we were just having some fun.
- Cool.
- Cool.
Can I talk to you in your office? Uh now? Yeah, now, Chief.
You sure? Really sure.
- So, now? - Chief, right now.
- All right.
- You got this.
You got this.
Don't worry about it.
- Hey! - Sucka! Ahhh! We meet again.
State inspections State inspections are next week.
Already, for everybody? All TFD stations are getting assessed.
The City Council wants to improve our rating so that the state increases our budget.
Well, we've always had great ratings.
The council is concerned they might drop.
Why? You're a new chief with a track record for fun and games, which was just confirmed for me.
That's just a morale thing bonding, you know.
It's important for the crew.
I'm all for office playtime just as much as the next gal.
Thirsty Thursdays? That's my jam.
But I'll be honest.
There are other members of the council that didn't want you to be chief because they didn't think you were a leader.
Who said that? Was it Tobleson? You were one of the guys for a long time.
Now you're the Chief.
Act like one, all right? Focus on the inspection.
No more games.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
[GRUNTS.]
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Ugh, come on.
McConky.
EDDIE: You know, your lips are turning blue.
Your lips are white.
- What does that even mean? - You know what it means.
This arm ain't coming out until it gets cut off.
All right, hey, hey.
Listen up.
We got a big state inspection next week.
We need to focus.
Station tournament of champions is over.
LINDA: Time to button things up, fellas.
- I'm rooting for ya.
- Okay.
Bye, Miss Price.
- Back on.
- Like Donkey Kong.
Come on, let's go.
Let's go.
- What? - That wasn't all for show? - No, it wasn't.
- Come on, Juicy Mouth.
- Get back in here.
Come on, we'll - Come on.
throw an extra 15 minutes on the clock for you.
- Get in here.
- No, we got things to do.
- Like what? - Like we got to clean and repair the hoses? We already did that, Chief.
We got to check the SCBAs and the bottles.
Chief, I already did that this morning.
Get your arms out of the bucket! Come on, Terry, we've been here for 45 minutes already! This is an order.
I want those arms out of the bucket.
I'm gonna count to three.
Three, two, one.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Are you kidding me? Hey, hey, listen up.
- Granny's the winner.
- Oh! No, you can't make that call.
You can't do that.
I can call it, and I did.
I'm the chief.
I'm the commissioner of the tournament.
I want that equipment inventory on my desk ASAP, and let's nail this inspection, huh? Come on, let's go.
- Oh, man.
- Hey, come on now.
Whoa, whoa, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry.
What did she say to you in there? She said I should stop being one of the guys and act like a chief.
You can still be a chief and have fun.
Chief Ratchet was fun.
Chief Bitterman was a lot of fun.
No, neither of them were fun.
Well, then, you can be the first fun chief.
How great is that? You just want me to be your playground buddy.
Those days are over.
I'm the chief now.
Chiefs don't have fun.
I need you to respect that.
Okay.
Okay.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
You're welcome, Terry.
Chief? You will have fun, Terry McConky.
I'll make sure of that.
Poor chair.
You got a raw deal in life.
There.
Hope you're hungry, chair.
I thought this chair smelled bad on the outside.
You guys know how valuable this alpaca stuff is? It's like 300 bucks for a sweater.
I could sell this stuff on eBay and make a killing.
GRANNY: No, not if I win it first.
Yeah, I told my girl about that alpaca fur, and she is hot for it.
Mm-hmm.
She said she'd do things.
- What kind of things? - Soft things.
Mm.
See, I can't find anything on here about them killing alpacas for their fur.
It just says that they shave them.
Kind of like giving them a haircut.
You know anything about that, Andy? What would Andy know about haircuts with his receding hairline? It's not receding.
It's thinning.
There's a difference.
- That's receding, brother.
- Whatever.
When I win, I'm gonna send all that stuff back to the alpaca lady in protest for them killing those beautiful animals for their fleece.
That's a good cause, man.
You should be proud of yourself.
- Hey, you guys seen Chief? - He's in his office.
All right, let's do the next event.
- Ooh.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna win me some alpaca fur, baby! No, I'm gonna win that alpaca fur.
That's impossible 'cause I'm gonna win that alpaca fur.
I'll tell you what my girl said first.
Oh, I already know 'cause she told me, too.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh.
Ch-ch-chu.
[SNIFFS.]
God.
[SNIFFING.]
[SIGHS.]
Oh, God.
Hmm.
Dude, didn't you get bounced from the military for having shaky hand syndrome? Hell no.
I was a medic.
You try doing hemorrhoid surgery on your sergeant in the middle of a mine field.
It was a piece of cake.
Well, we thank you for your service.
Oh, he's got it.
ALL: Oh! Hey! Uh, what are you guys doing? Uh, nothing.
Andy, what are you doing? No, don't look at him.
Me, look at me, over here.
Andy, over here.
Are you playing Jaws of Life Jenga? - No.
- It sure looks like it.
No.
No.
Then you won't mind if I knock over this - random stack of blocks then.
- [ALL SHOUTING.]
Is that okay? - No, no, no.
- Okay, all right.
I said we had to stop this.
We have an inspection.
The inventory is on your desk.
- Hazmat suits? - Cleaned.
- OSHA checklist? - Done.
Rescue rope, safety belts, harnesses, hooks, rope grabs? Checked, checked, and checked.
Can I talk to you for a second out here? Not you.
Him.
Join me.
Clean that up.
I'm supposed to be putting a stop to this.
No, you're supposed to be "chiefly," and you are.
You know, you're part of the problem.
You need to follow orders.
I know, but I've been ragging on you for 25 years.
You're married to my sister.
It's weird taking orders from you.
And stop calling me Terry in front of the men.
I'm Chief.
I'm not Terry.
I'm not Juicy Mouth.
You know what? You're right.
My bad, Chief.
You wouldn't be pulling any pranks, would you? What kind of pranks? Prank pranks, pranky pranks, covert pranks? You said now's not the time.
That's never stopped you before.
I don't know what you mean, Chief.
That's right.
I'm the chief.
You don't prank the chief.
Are you accusing me of something specific here? - No.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- TTYL.
What's that mean? Talk to you later.
Huh.
Okay.
Mm.
[SIGHS.]
[SNIFFS.]
Yeah.
[SNIFFS.]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
[SNIFFING.]
What the [BLEEP.]
! Aaaaah! Oh, my God, it's worse.
It's in the wall! What are you gonna do? I don't know! All right, come with me.
I want to show you something.
Come on.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Mmm! My girl just sent me a picture wrapped in only alpaca fleece, - and she is fine! - Let me see.
- No, no.
- Give me the phone.
Maybe I should tell her about how they kill those alpacas for their fur.
Maybe I should kill you.
Whoa, whoa, Granny.
Granny, calm down.
It's alpaca fleece, right? - Yeah.
- Okay, then.
Drink.
- [WHISTLES.]
- Mm.
What are you guys doing? Hydrating.
You're doing the Most Piss Challenge.
I never liked that name.
But I did want to invite you to come and join us.
I told you no on this.
I can't join you.
Terry Chief.
You are the chiefiest chief there has ever been.
- Super chiefy.
- We're ready for the inspection.
There have been no calls.
It's raining.
You can't go back to your office because it's destroyed and it smells like low tide, and you have won the Most Piss Challenge every year for the last 20 years, and now there's alpaca on the line.
Come on, Chief.
[CHANTING "CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEF!".]
[URINATING LOUDLY.]
[GAGS.]
[URINATING LOUDLY.]
Okay.
Okay.
- Captain.
- Okay, Captain.
- Yeah! - Not a surprise.
Not a surprise.
What have we got here? Oh! Yeah, I got to lay off the supplements.
That's weird.
Okay.
- Man.
- Wow.
Okay.
Yeah.
Hey, who's still going? Me.
I'm still going.
I'm like a camel.
This is like milking a camel! Wow.
So good.
The best.
I told you.
Chief has the most piss! ALL: Chief has the most piss! Chief has the most piss! Chief It's like I'm spelunking in an underground cave of urine.
You have got to be kidding me.
- I told you to act like a chief.
- [URINATING STOPS.]
I am.
I do.
- You've - [URINATING LOUDLY.]
[URINATING STOPS.]
- Chief, I - [URINATING STARTS.]
- [URINATING STOPS.]
- Can you [URINATING CONTINUES.]
When I [URINATING STOPS.]
Oh! Good God, how long has this been going on? This isn't all me.
Your office looks like a cyclone hit it and smells like a turtle aquarium.
Then I find you with your men cheering you on as you pee for them? I don't know how to take you seriously.
- I - WOMAN: Station 24, all units, rescue call child stuck in well.
Okay, let's go.
Sorry, I'm sorry, sorry.
[ALARM BLARES.]
Excuse me, folks.
Hunter? It's gonna be okay.
Mommy loves you.
Oh, my Hunter is in the pipe.
He's been down there for hours.
Okay, we'll get him out.
Hunter, can you hear me? - He's not responding.
- Okay.
- Granny, why don't you get those folks back? - Got it.
Ike, take Hunter's mom over to the trucks, would you? - Come on with me, ma'am.
- He's very fragile.
- All he ate today was oat milk with flaxseed.
- Okay.
His allergist thinks that he might be protein-prejudiced.
Oh, okay.
Oh, my goodness.
Come on.
- Let's go over here.
- We'll get him.
We'll get him.
Looks a little tight down there for any of us.
HUNTER: Is she gone? Is my mom gone? Yes, son, she's in the parking lot! Good! I'm sick of that a-hole! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! All right, let's not talk about Mom like that.
You ever have to eat flaxseed?! Hunter, we're here to get you out.
I don't want to come out! I came down here to bake and use my iPad to make crap for my YouTube channel! You have an iPad down there? Duh! How do you think she tracks me?! All right, listen, Hunter, we're not leaving here without you, so we're sending down a rope.
Don't! I'm warning you! Send it down.
Oh! Kid, you got a BB gun down there? HUNTER: Oh, hell yeah! God, this kid is an asshole.
Here, Andy, you're on rope duty.
Oh, thanks, Captain.
Hunter, stop shooting at my men.
HUNTER: Then leave me alone! Chief, the water table is pretty saturated from the rain.
If we don't get this kid out of here, the water's gonna rise up in this pipe.
All right, Hunter, listen, if you let us pull you up, you can vape in the fire truck and shoot it for your YouTube channel.
Chief, that's irresponsible.
I'm not gonna let him vape in the fire truck.
- I also want 50 bucks! - For what? HUNTER: To buy the Guardians of Terrary season pass! - What's that? What's he talking about? - It's a video game.
HUNTER: For 50 bucks, I can get the elf queen to take off her royal panties! Ooh.
What kind of video game? All right, 50 bucks it is.
HUNTER: In advance! Send it down, douchebag! - Oh, my God, this kid.
- Okay, anybody got any cash? - You got cash? - What, are you kidding me? - Andy, you got cash? - Yeah, I got like 25 bucks, but I was gonna buy my mom a turtleneck.
Okay, come on.
All right, it's coming down.
HUNTER: This is only $25! Half now, half when you hug your mom.
Fine! All right, Hunter, we're sending you this rope down.
- Put it around you.
- Yeah, I get it, dickhead! - I hate this kid.
- The worst.
There we go.
There we go.
Here he comes.
Almost there.
- Easy.
- Easy, easy! - Easy.
- Here he comes.
GRANNY: Got a big fish here.
There he is.
Hunter, all right, buddy.
Good job, buddy.
Okay, all right.
Going viral, bitches! Should've asked for 100 bucks.
All right, you get the rest when you act happy to see your mom, okay? - Fine.
- All right, Granny, check him out.
Hey, man, show me that elf princess.
How you doing? All right.
Come on.
I'm sure he's fine.
He's just a kid.
Walk it off.
I'm good.
Since I was doing something with effort, I was already turtling.
Yes, Lorraine, the city takes pride in its first responders.
I have no doubt they'll get the job done.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Back off! My baby! Oh! We are going straight to Wholesome Foods and you can pick out any soy pop flavor that you want.
Nice work.
This kind of free publicity is always a plus.
Are you suggesting we should put more kids in pipes? I would never suggest such a thing.
Unless you think it would work.
IKE: Excuse me, Chief.
Sorry to interrupt.
Just wanted to say tremendous leadership out there.
Just a pleasure to serve alongside you every day, and it's an honor.
Thanks, Ike.
Chief, per your request, we are packing up those trucks ASAP.
Thank you, Andy.
Chief, I know you don't really consider yourself "one of the guys," but the men really respected your leadership today.
Okay, okay, I get it.
Uh, begging your pardon, Councilwoman? Saving a kid gets you a lot of goodwill.
Great optics.
So you don't need to kiss the chief's ass in front of me.
Just doing our jobs, ma'am.
And we will be ready for that inspection.
Great, great.
Chief, why don't you talk to the news crew? I'm sure they'd love to hear what you have to say.
I'm gonna let you take care of that 'cause you're so good at it.
Thank you, Councilwoman.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, now can we finish the tournament of champions? No chance.
That's an order.
This is just the two of us here.
You know you want to, fun guy.
Look, I'm not the fun guy until I find out what happened to my office.
You still wouldn't know anything about that, would you? I have no idea.
But let me know how that goes, okay? I'm here to help.
So, uh, we still doing the tourney? - Hell yeah.
- What's the next event? Oh, yeah, 'cause I've got some alpaca fleece that is ready to sell on eBay, baby.
You know what, guys? I think we should just forget about that prize.
No, 'cause I'm still gonna win.
- Yeah.
- There's nothing to win, Granny.
What do you mean? I talked to the alpaca lady, and I informed her that we will no longer be trafficking in her bloodstained items.
- What? - You did what? Wait.
Before you freak out, think about it, okay? Ike! You're gonna feel a lot better about yourselves.
Man, we were kidding.
They don't kill the alpacas for their fur.
They just shave them.
- Really? - Yes.
Yeah.
Fur grows back.
GRANNY: Now I'm freaking out.
What am I gonna do when my girl asks about the fleece? Guys, I got to make a return.
Come on, beauty.
Okay, so, that's happening.
Wow.
That's Oh, boy.
I found it! I found it! Oh.
You put it in the chair, you son of a bitch.
Yeah, well, I just wanted you to have some fun.
I'll get a new chair now.
I solved the mystery.
I solved it.
No help from you.
Okay, well, fun is fun, Chief.
You're never gonna get me again.
- Never! - You say that to me.
- I will get you again.
- Good job.
[HUMS.]
Ahh.
[SNIFFS.]
Shit! Eddie! Eddie! Chiefy? I give up.
- Uncle.
- Uncle? Yeah.
Curtain rod.
- Oh, you sneaky bastard.
- Mm-hmm.
[GRUNTS.]
[GROANS.]
Fun, right? You come see me if you want to have more fun.
You're not fun.
Come on outside if you want to have fun with me.
Just come where the fun is, okay? Fun.
Get out of here! - Fun! - No! This season on Tacoma FD Oh, wait a minute, is Lucy the new probie? I just want you to think of me as one of the guys.
- See you in the showers.
- Not if I see you first.
What? - Fall back, McConky.
- I'm the fire chief.
- Chief says we can retaliate.
- Yeah! - You guys are awesome! - I'm here, because you guys are sloppy.
You fed your 5-alarm chili to a pregnant woman? Hey, it's good chili.
Oh, no! My chili! - There will be no more farting.
- That's all I do! - No more swearing.
- Oh [BLEEP.]
! - There'll be no hazing.
- Let me down! Let me down! Prepare yourselves, it's about to get crazy.