Talking Comedy s01e01 Episode Script
Bob Hope
1 They called Bob Hope America's court jester.
He was the funnyman who became an institution, friends with every President from Eisenhower to Bill Clinton and with everyone who was anyone in Hollywood.
He hosted the Oscars more times than anyone else and was once the world's highest paid TV star.
But this icon of America was actually born in England, in Eltham, south London, which makes him one of Britain's greatest gifts to American comedy.
And, as we'll see, his English roots were something he'd frequently refer to during his many visits here.
I want to say right here that I was born in England.
I say that in the hope that those of you who don't have a sense of humour will at least be patriotic.
LAUGHTER No, it's true.
It's true, I was born here in England.
Of course, I was marked for export, but it's a great thing LAUGHTER A lot of people don't believe it, but I first saw the light of day right here in England.
I think I was nine at the time.
LAUGHTER Fog, you know.
LAUGHTER We don't have fog in Los Angeles, we have smog.
That's fog with the vitamins removed.
LAUGHTER But this London fog can really be terrific.
Last year I was here and a fella pulled up alongside of me at the Savoy Hotel in his car and asked me for directions.
I didn't mind that so much, but I was in the bathtub at the time.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And on the sixth floor.
But, in spite of the fog In spite of the fog, I like it here.
And I know that I'm in England I know I'm in England, because this morning my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea.
LAUGHTER Oh, yes.
I love the tea here.
I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk.
LAUGHTER You have to drink tea, I've tasted the coffee.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE CHEERING No, they have coffee here, only they call it petrol.
LAUGHTER But I've been here many times and I want to tell you it's a thrill getting back to England, with the crowds cheering me at the airport people lining the sidewalks, and Bonnie Prince Charles in the Palace window waving a little pennant that says, "Go home Yank.
" LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Of course, I was kind of anxious to get back to London, because last time I was here I posed for a statue at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum and I was anxious to see it.
And it puzzled me a little bit the figure, I just want to know one thing, do all the wax figures have a wick sticking out of their head? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And I noticed And I noticed my clothes were kind of ragged on the figure, so I said to the guard, I said, "Why is that?" He says, "There's nothing we can do about it, "people keep pushing you side to get a look at Jack the Ripper.
" LAUGHTER And, by the way, I have some regards for you people from some of the British stars working in Hollywood, Ronald Colman and James Mason.
Of course, Mason is very British, he hasn't forgotten he's British.
In fact, I think that James Mason overdoes the British bit.
When I go to his house, I don't mind the doorbell playing Pomp And Circumstance, but when the butler makes you face Buckingham Palace and bow three times, that's going too far.
LAUGHTER Then, of course, Stewart Granger's doing very well there, especially in those costume pictures.
And what a swordsman he is, he can really duel I want to tell you.
You can tell he really loves his work, the other day on the set, he ran ten men through and five of 'em aren't even in the picture.
LAUGHTER He really went wild that day, the only way they could stop him was by threatening to send for Errol Flynn.
LAUGHTER The jokes about fog were ones Bob would return to whenever he was back in England.
The wisecracks about fellow Hollywood stars were also typical of his material.
He could get away with it because he was as big or bigger than all of them, thanks in part to the huge success of The Road To films he made with Bing Crosby.
The last of these was 1962's The Road To Hong Kong, which was filmed here in England and which led to this appearance on the BBC programme Picture Parade.
APPLAUSE PIANO MUSIC Snorkel-head, I'm a little surprised you missed my introduction, I can scarcely believe my ears.
Quit fooling, you must be used to those side plates of yours by now.
Well, they're very useful, you know, for smoking in bed.
Listen, we're supposed to be doing this shindig together, what's the delay here? What happened? Well, naturally, I assumed that BBC stands for Ban Bing Crosby.
I guess LAUGHTER Or Bing Buys Canada, or something like that.
Besides, I hadn't finished talking about my supporting cast.
Your supporting cast? Uh-huh.
Oh, you mean that wide rubber thing you grip around your waist.
Yeah.
A two-way stretcher or whatever it is.
Don't blow your top, Dad, it wouldn't be the first time that that thatch went into orbit.
No, I have it securely anchored, it's really tied on.
So you listen to me, Jellyroll, you're being very flip tonight.
Jellyroll? Jellyroll?! Now wait a minute.
What's come over you? I've been waiting for ten minutes.
Just remember, I give a very superior performance.
I really think if pressed, if it's demanded of me, I could sing till the cows come home.
Yeah, and from the noise you make, it sounds like they've arrived.
LAUGHTER Listen, tell me something, what's so special about your performance in On The Road To Hong Kong? Well, I happen to be an actor and I can handle any role.
Uh-huh.
I'm sure you can as long as there is plenty of ham in it.
LAUGHTER Hey, why don't you tell the folks here about some of the acting you do in the picture.
Well, you see, I play the part of an unsuccessful variety comedian with a stupid, cowardly disposition.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, and now tell the folks about the acting you do in the picture.
LAUGHTER Listen, you crumbling comb-over, I'm a great actor.
What's this? I'm a great actor.
I could be another Marlon Brando if I had all my teeth removed.
You could mumble.
LAUGHTER Anyhow, let's save this brawl for later.
In reality, brawling was something Bob and Bing never did.
They had one of Hollywood's closest and most enduring partnerships, as demonstrated again here when Bob paid a visit to the Parkinson show in 1975.
How do you find that your humour goes down with the new generation of Americans, the young kids? Oh, well, you know, you wouldn't be on television as long as I've been on it if you didn't go down.
You know, the kids in our country, they own the knob on the television sets.
Really? Do you know, the kids nine, ten, and 11 are in charge of the knob.
LAUGHTER I'm serious.
They're the ones that turn it on and the folks say, "Oh, yeah, that's it, huh?" LAUGHTER They turn it on most of the places and they go with that.
That's extraordinary.
And I saw a little kid the other day, I was walking through some airport and a little kid about this high said, "Do-do-do!" Looked at me.
"Do-do-do!" LAUGHTER I was Bob Doom! LAUGHTER It worried the hell out of him who I was.
LAUGHTER Then I had a woman walk up to me in Dallaslast year, she was about 80 years old, she said, "Mr Hope, I've been watching you for ever!" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE Bing told you what happened? He must've told you what happened to him over here.
What was that? When the woman walked up and said, "Didn't you used to be Bing Crosby? LAUGHTER Did he use that line? Yeah.
I love that.
It happens all the time.
We've got a message, in fact, from one of your younger fans.
Coming upon the screen in a moment.
Too young to be let out to come to the show, but on tape.
Hiya, Michael.
I wanted to tell you how delighted I am that you found something for Bob Hope to do while he's hanging around London.
But I want to sing a little song for you now.
# My dear, Michael # Now that you've got Hope on your show # There's a few things I must tell you he can do # His singing's slight # His dancing very non-descript But he'll go out front and entertain the queue LAUGHTER # Old pal, old bean # By which I mean # He'll find an ear on which to lean # Describing with relentless zeal His sex appeal which ain't quite real LAUGHTER # But if he does well in this illustrious company # When he comes back I'll let him work for me.
APPLAUSE Cute.
Thank you.
Lovely.
That's something.
Isn't it nice that he would stand up for that long? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Isn't that nice? His orange juice commercials don't come over here, do they? No.
You know, he's been selling Minute Maid orange juice and he right now, he's probably just left the factory where he squeezes oranges.
LAUGHTER Which at his age is an emotional experience.
LAUGHTER Are you going to tell us the truth now? How, when, did you first meet? Bing? Hm.
II was a Boy Scout.
LAUGHTER And I saw this old lady waiting for the traffic light.
And I walked over and helped her to cross and it turned out to be Bing.
LAUGHTER PARKY LAUGHS But seriously? No, I met Bing, I think, around1932.
And we played the Capitol Theatre in New York.
And, luckily for me, we did an act together.
Liketwo farmers meeting on the street.
The president of the Coca-Cola company meeting the president of the Pepsi-Cola Company on the street, which I did at the Palladium with Jerry Desmond.
You know, where they say, "Good to see you.
" BOB BELCHES You know.
LAUGHTER "A larger bottle.
" You know, all that stuff.
And the two farmers where you milk the thing, you know.
Bop, bop, bop, bop.
bop.
And the two politicians, where you go in each other's pockets and all that kind of thing.
And they loved that kind of stuff, you know.
And when we When I went out to Hollywood, before the Road pictures, I went down to the Del Mar Turf Club ball, which Bing owned part of, a big part of it anyway, andwe did our act together.
And the boys from Paramount saw us and said, "These guys really work good together, let's put 'em in something.
" And they put us this in this picture called Road To Singapore.
Yeah.
And that's how the whole thing started.
How did the feud developed though? The Well, that was a gag for radio, where you could have some fun with each other, you know? And if I went on his show, they would His writers would say, "He's going to tell a joke down on page nine, "about the chicken that moults too early in the year.
" I'm just giving you an example.
So on page seven, I would tell it.
LAUGHTER And he'd give me that startled LAUGHTER He'd give me that look.
And then he'd double back on me, you know? So it kept us kind of awake, you know? And we did that in pictures after a while.
Hmm.
We used to steal jokes from each other.
Marvellous, we just had more fun.
It looks a marvellous relationship.
Have you ever had a cross word? Have you ever had a row? No.
Not at all? Never? You can't have a row with him, because he just walks away.
He doesn't row with anybody.
No.
I was the loudmouth.
If anything happened, I'd say, "Well, I'll go up and tell 'em.
" And Bing would say, "Yeah, find out about it.
LAUGHTER And he'd go to the golf course and wait.
LAUGHTER No, he's He wouldn't fight with you anyway.
There's a contrast in the two of you, because he does take life very easily, doesn't he? He sort of relaxes all the time.
He sure does, but he loves to be on, he's as hammy as anybody.
That's true.
It's true.
Yes, it is true.
I admire him for it, because you have to be in our business, you know? Yes.
I sleep on a hook at night, but he's got He's got a clove right there.
LAUGHTER And he'she's a delightful ham.
Looking into the research, there's an extraordinary amount of jobs that you did before eventually you went onstage.
I'll just quote some of them.
You were a butcher's mate, a shoe salesman, a pool hustler, stock boy in a meat market.
Right.
Pool hustler I like.
A golf caddie and you once sold newspapers to John D Rockefeller.
That's right, when I was a paperboy.
Really? Uh-huh.
Did any of that rub off on you, John D Rockefeller? A little.
Just a little.
A little oil.
How much of a hustler were you in those days? Oh, I wasn't.
You know, we just used to hang around the pool room and clown around, you know, hustle each other.
Hm.
Nothing serious.
And I did that while I was going to dancing school, because the guys I used to hang around with used to play pool.
Yeah.
You were also once a boxer too, weren't you? Yeah, you're getting into the nasty stuff, aren't you? Well, that fascinated me because you don't really look like a boxer.
You saw my nose from that angle and you I did, I fought under the name of Rembrandt Hope, I was on the canvas so much.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE I love I love boxing, I really do.
And I used to love to climb into the ring.
I don't remember ever leaving it.
LAUGHTER But I was an amateur, I didn't After a while I could get a little money, they used to lay it on the stretcher alongside me as I left.
We've got a clip of you in action, actually, making your comeback.
In Madison Square Garden, wasn't it? Right, the opening of Madison Square Garden.
And, in fact, your opponent is Rocky Marciano.
Here we are.
Let's have a look.
So you're the champ, huh? Yeah! BOB GROWLS ROCKY GROWLS BOB PURRS BOTH GROWL Thank you, Sonny & Cher.
LAUGHTER Now listen, boys, I want a good, clean fight.
Break clean, no biting.
Remember now, no hitting below the belt.
Watch it.
Oh, the old rules, huh? Yeah.
Well, OK.
LAUGHTER BOTH: # Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake Bake a cake as fast as you can! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Boy, I've been waiting 30 years for that! APPLAUSE Although he was the world's most successful comedian, Bob was always open about the fact that his jokes were written by teams of writers he'd employed from the beginning of his career.
He was also comfortable with people knowing that during performances he'd read his lines off cue cards, as can be seen in this fascinating recording from New Year's Eve, 1969.
No, I was born in England, I really was.
It was a typically British birth, I was three at the time.
You know, they had a strike in the maternity ward and I came out in sympathy.
LAUGHTER I was in London just a few weeks ago for the opening of my new movie, How To Commit Marriage, and people came to the West End from miles around for the occasion.
My relatives always show up when it's free.
LAUGHTER But I hope you get to see How To Commit Marriage, because this movie is different, my co-star Jackie Gleason couldn't make the opening You goofed it there.
That's after.
You got that card in the wrong place, Barne.
Take the card out of the middle.
That's right.
Now put it back.
LAUGHTER Now, what are we going to do about that? Shall we start over or what? ALL: Yeah! Cut.
Cut it, Mort.
Cut it.
Are they going to be able to cut this thing? Cut it.
You want to slate it again, Woody? Yeah.
But I do hope you get to see How To Commit Marriage, because this movie is different, the actors wear clothes and the ushers are nude.
LAUGHTER My co-star, Jackie Gleason, couldn't make the opening, they told him at the airport that he was overweight, and that's tough when you haven't got any luggage.
LAUGHTER The picture played to enormous audiences in New York, they even enjoyed the movie that was on with it, Hello, Dolly! LAUGHTER And I was hoping the Royal Family would attend, but they had a prior commitment, Princess Anne was hosting a sale of hats at Buckingham Palace.
LAUGHTER No, I know all the Royal family personally, the Queen, Prince Philip and their financial adviser, Jack Benny.
LAUGHTER But I'm kidding, all those reports about Her Majesty's money problems are just rumours.
And Richard Burton is furious, he wanted first refusal on the Crown Jewels.
LAUGHTER No, all the stars were in London, I saw Liberace in Park Lane walking hand in hand with himself.
LAUGHTER HUBBUB And I And I bumped into Douglas Fairbanks Jr, he was on his way to The London Clinic for a monocle transplant.
LAUGHTER And, you know, there's a new flag flying over the British Embassy, it shows the Duke of Edinburgh playing polo on a field of travellers cheques.
LAUGHTER And I had a beautiful suite at the Savoy.
I love it, they are so polite there, one morning the water in my bathtub gurgled and a pageboy walked in and said, "Pardon?" LAUGHTER No, the Savoy Hotel is really steeped in tradition.
In fact, the towels don't say His & Hers, they're marked Mine & Thine.
But I love the British.
I asked a Londoner how he felt about the Apollo moon landings and he said, "Splendid, but we hate show-offs.
" The moon landing references were, of course, very 1969, and that's one reason for the incredible longevity of Bob Hope's career, the ease with which he blended tried and trusted jokes with more up-to-the-minute material.
There are examples of each type of humour in this appearance on Parkinson.
Let's start with him discussing the and then highly topical Hollywood actors strike of 1980.
It's good actually to have you here, because you've got lots of industrial problems over in your profession at present with the actors strike.
It's all fixed, isn't it? Isn't the strike over? Is it? I think so.
Is it? It was quite a thing, though.
Everybody was picketing out there from their good side.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Actually, Michael, they were picketing, you know, the stars, who make plenty of money, they were picketing and it's the first time I've ever seen a picket line with a maitre d'.
But they were really picketing for the bit people, you know, because there's 63,000 actors that lay around waiting for work.
So the stars were really trying to get it for them, trying to get all these residuals.
And it's a funny kind of a strike when a fellow can walk off a job and get into his Rolls-Royce and walk out and get into his swimming pool and refuse to come out unless they improve working conditions.
LAUGHTER That's America, I want to tell you that.
And after laughs about the latest events, here's one of his golden-oldie gags about his favourite leisure pastime, golf.
Which was the best golfing story? The best golfing story? Let me see.
How about the fella playing and he came to this hole in one.
He said, "I've never had a hole in one.
If I could get a hole-in-one, I'd give anything in the world.
This little genie jumped up on his shoulder and said, "Anything?" The genie said, "Would you give five years of your sex life?" He said, "Yeah, I think I would.
" And he knocked his ball, it wasn't too good, but it hit a rock, went up and fell in the hole.
He said, "A hole in one!" He walked to the next hole, a par 5, he said, "I've never had a birdie on this hole.
If I could get a birdie, I'd give anything in the world.
" And this little genie jumped up and said, "Anything? Would you give ten years of your sex life?" He said, "Ten years?! But, yes, I would.
" He said, "Well, play.
" And he hit three pretty good shots and his fourth shot wasn't too good, but it hit a bench and rolled in the cup.
He said, "How do you like that, "a hole in one and a birdie the same day.
This is the greatest day of my golfing career.
" And the genie jumped on his shoulder and said, "I didn't get your name.
" And he said, "Father O'Toole.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE How many American Presidents have you played golf with? Oh, I don't know.
Let me see, Ford I play with Ford all the time.
I love to play with him, it's nice to get some money back from the government.
LAUGHTER Ford and Nixon and Kennedy andLyndon Johnson.
About four of 'em.
Which was the best golfer? I think Oh, Eisenhower a lot.
We all played with Ike, 'cause he just loved the game.
What was it like playing with Eisenhower? Well, you had to play, because The first time I played with him was about 1951.
He'd just been assigned the presidency and I played with him and I played as his partner.
And we played for a dollar, dollar, dollar at Burning Tree against Symington and Prescott Bush, who were too fine golfers.
And I played lousy.
At that time I was a six and I hit an 84 and we had to pay off.
The next day, I played against the President, I wasn't playing with him, but we all had lunch and made bets, you know, and I shot a 75 and I beat him for four dollars.
And he looked me in the eye as I was paying him off, he said, "Why didn't you play this way yesterday?" LAUGHTER And it's hard to ad lib with a president about things like that.
Yes, absolutely.
Who was the one who had the best sense of humour, do you think? I think maybemaybe Kennedy.
Yeah, Kennedy liked to tell jokes.
Hm.
On politics, I mean, did you have any political ambition yourself? No, no.
I've been asked to a couple of times, but the money is not right.
LAUGHTER No, it's not.
And I'd hate to move to a smaller house.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You've just come back from Moscow, haven't you? Yeah, I was in Moscow.
What were you doing there? I was doing a show for the US Ambassador and I did a show for all the people in the embassy.
And I also did one for the British Embassy, by the way.
Uh-huh.
And we had a little trouble over there, I was thrown, out of the Kremlin.
Why? Well, I was walking around and I saw a star on the door and thought it was my dressing room.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You are of course It's amazing the amount of work you still do.
You're a rich man, a very rich man.
Not too rich after today.
LAUGHTER Not after today, no.
No.
But you could retire if you wanted to? Dickie has all my money.
LAUGHTER Marlon Brando once said that if they were opening a phone booth that you'd turn up.
Erm LAUGHTER Brando?! That's what he said.
Brando never said a funny line in his life.
LAUGHTER That was Crosby.
He said when they open the icebox and the light goes on, I do 20 minutes.
LAUGHTER I do get around, I'll tell you that.
You've done everything in your life, you won more than 1,000 awards, never got an Academy Award, have you? You had to bring that up, didn't you? LAUGHTER I'm sorry.
You sure know how to wound a star.
LAUGHTER No, I've been Let me tell you something, you can make great, great pictures, I made 60 pictures, and you can come out with a picture that you think should be nominated for something and you find out you're with Gone With The Wind and Boom Town, you know.
I haven't given up, I still have my speech ready.
LAUGHTER I don't know how long I've had it, but it's in Latin.
LAUGHTER An Oscar would certainly have been nice, but Bob Hope didn't need it to prove anything.
By any standards, his 70-year career was extraordinary.
The king of one-liners finally signed out aged 100 in 2003.
His passing made headlines across the world and many of the eulogies were accompanied by this, his signature song called, appropriately, Thanks For The Memory.
APPLAUSE # Thanks for the memory # Of being on your show # You take things nice and slow # It's lovely being here with you # But where did Christmas go? # Oh, thank you so much # Thanks for the memory # Of what England means to me # A tea bag in my tea # The country's run by Chrysler And there's Kojak on TV LAUGHTER # Oh, thank you so much # I was going to give you a present # For making my stay here so pleasant # A turkey perhaps or a pheasant # But here I am # A well-boiled ham # So thanks for the memory # Of tonight with Michael P # Who's been so nice to me His kindness was enormous in contrast to the fee LAUGHTER # Transportation's not important # I'll walk back across the sea So thank you so much.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
APPLAUSE
He was the funnyman who became an institution, friends with every President from Eisenhower to Bill Clinton and with everyone who was anyone in Hollywood.
He hosted the Oscars more times than anyone else and was once the world's highest paid TV star.
But this icon of America was actually born in England, in Eltham, south London, which makes him one of Britain's greatest gifts to American comedy.
And, as we'll see, his English roots were something he'd frequently refer to during his many visits here.
I want to say right here that I was born in England.
I say that in the hope that those of you who don't have a sense of humour will at least be patriotic.
LAUGHTER No, it's true.
It's true, I was born here in England.
Of course, I was marked for export, but it's a great thing LAUGHTER A lot of people don't believe it, but I first saw the light of day right here in England.
I think I was nine at the time.
LAUGHTER Fog, you know.
LAUGHTER We don't have fog in Los Angeles, we have smog.
That's fog with the vitamins removed.
LAUGHTER But this London fog can really be terrific.
Last year I was here and a fella pulled up alongside of me at the Savoy Hotel in his car and asked me for directions.
I didn't mind that so much, but I was in the bathtub at the time.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And on the sixth floor.
But, in spite of the fog In spite of the fog, I like it here.
And I know that I'm in England I know I'm in England, because this morning my stomach got up two hours before I did and had a cup of tea.
LAUGHTER Oh, yes.
I love the tea here.
I've had so much tea, I slosh when I walk.
LAUGHTER You have to drink tea, I've tasted the coffee.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE CHEERING No, they have coffee here, only they call it petrol.
LAUGHTER But I've been here many times and I want to tell you it's a thrill getting back to England, with the crowds cheering me at the airport people lining the sidewalks, and Bonnie Prince Charles in the Palace window waving a little pennant that says, "Go home Yank.
" LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Of course, I was kind of anxious to get back to London, because last time I was here I posed for a statue at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum and I was anxious to see it.
And it puzzled me a little bit the figure, I just want to know one thing, do all the wax figures have a wick sticking out of their head? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE And I noticed And I noticed my clothes were kind of ragged on the figure, so I said to the guard, I said, "Why is that?" He says, "There's nothing we can do about it, "people keep pushing you side to get a look at Jack the Ripper.
" LAUGHTER And, by the way, I have some regards for you people from some of the British stars working in Hollywood, Ronald Colman and James Mason.
Of course, Mason is very British, he hasn't forgotten he's British.
In fact, I think that James Mason overdoes the British bit.
When I go to his house, I don't mind the doorbell playing Pomp And Circumstance, but when the butler makes you face Buckingham Palace and bow three times, that's going too far.
LAUGHTER Then, of course, Stewart Granger's doing very well there, especially in those costume pictures.
And what a swordsman he is, he can really duel I want to tell you.
You can tell he really loves his work, the other day on the set, he ran ten men through and five of 'em aren't even in the picture.
LAUGHTER He really went wild that day, the only way they could stop him was by threatening to send for Errol Flynn.
LAUGHTER The jokes about fog were ones Bob would return to whenever he was back in England.
The wisecracks about fellow Hollywood stars were also typical of his material.
He could get away with it because he was as big or bigger than all of them, thanks in part to the huge success of The Road To films he made with Bing Crosby.
The last of these was 1962's The Road To Hong Kong, which was filmed here in England and which led to this appearance on the BBC programme Picture Parade.
APPLAUSE PIANO MUSIC Snorkel-head, I'm a little surprised you missed my introduction, I can scarcely believe my ears.
Quit fooling, you must be used to those side plates of yours by now.
Well, they're very useful, you know, for smoking in bed.
Listen, we're supposed to be doing this shindig together, what's the delay here? What happened? Well, naturally, I assumed that BBC stands for Ban Bing Crosby.
I guess LAUGHTER Or Bing Buys Canada, or something like that.
Besides, I hadn't finished talking about my supporting cast.
Your supporting cast? Uh-huh.
Oh, you mean that wide rubber thing you grip around your waist.
Yeah.
A two-way stretcher or whatever it is.
Don't blow your top, Dad, it wouldn't be the first time that that thatch went into orbit.
No, I have it securely anchored, it's really tied on.
So you listen to me, Jellyroll, you're being very flip tonight.
Jellyroll? Jellyroll?! Now wait a minute.
What's come over you? I've been waiting for ten minutes.
Just remember, I give a very superior performance.
I really think if pressed, if it's demanded of me, I could sing till the cows come home.
Yeah, and from the noise you make, it sounds like they've arrived.
LAUGHTER Listen, tell me something, what's so special about your performance in On The Road To Hong Kong? Well, I happen to be an actor and I can handle any role.
Uh-huh.
I'm sure you can as long as there is plenty of ham in it.
LAUGHTER Hey, why don't you tell the folks here about some of the acting you do in the picture.
Well, you see, I play the part of an unsuccessful variety comedian with a stupid, cowardly disposition.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, and now tell the folks about the acting you do in the picture.
LAUGHTER Listen, you crumbling comb-over, I'm a great actor.
What's this? I'm a great actor.
I could be another Marlon Brando if I had all my teeth removed.
You could mumble.
LAUGHTER Anyhow, let's save this brawl for later.
In reality, brawling was something Bob and Bing never did.
They had one of Hollywood's closest and most enduring partnerships, as demonstrated again here when Bob paid a visit to the Parkinson show in 1975.
How do you find that your humour goes down with the new generation of Americans, the young kids? Oh, well, you know, you wouldn't be on television as long as I've been on it if you didn't go down.
You know, the kids in our country, they own the knob on the television sets.
Really? Do you know, the kids nine, ten, and 11 are in charge of the knob.
LAUGHTER I'm serious.
They're the ones that turn it on and the folks say, "Oh, yeah, that's it, huh?" LAUGHTER They turn it on most of the places and they go with that.
That's extraordinary.
And I saw a little kid the other day, I was walking through some airport and a little kid about this high said, "Do-do-do!" Looked at me.
"Do-do-do!" LAUGHTER I was Bob Doom! LAUGHTER It worried the hell out of him who I was.
LAUGHTER Then I had a woman walk up to me in Dallaslast year, she was about 80 years old, she said, "Mr Hope, I've been watching you for ever!" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE Bing told you what happened? He must've told you what happened to him over here.
What was that? When the woman walked up and said, "Didn't you used to be Bing Crosby? LAUGHTER Did he use that line? Yeah.
I love that.
It happens all the time.
We've got a message, in fact, from one of your younger fans.
Coming upon the screen in a moment.
Too young to be let out to come to the show, but on tape.
Hiya, Michael.
I wanted to tell you how delighted I am that you found something for Bob Hope to do while he's hanging around London.
But I want to sing a little song for you now.
# My dear, Michael # Now that you've got Hope on your show # There's a few things I must tell you he can do # His singing's slight # His dancing very non-descript But he'll go out front and entertain the queue LAUGHTER # Old pal, old bean # By which I mean # He'll find an ear on which to lean # Describing with relentless zeal His sex appeal which ain't quite real LAUGHTER # But if he does well in this illustrious company # When he comes back I'll let him work for me.
APPLAUSE Cute.
Thank you.
Lovely.
That's something.
Isn't it nice that he would stand up for that long? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Isn't that nice? His orange juice commercials don't come over here, do they? No.
You know, he's been selling Minute Maid orange juice and he right now, he's probably just left the factory where he squeezes oranges.
LAUGHTER Which at his age is an emotional experience.
LAUGHTER Are you going to tell us the truth now? How, when, did you first meet? Bing? Hm.
II was a Boy Scout.
LAUGHTER And I saw this old lady waiting for the traffic light.
And I walked over and helped her to cross and it turned out to be Bing.
LAUGHTER PARKY LAUGHS But seriously? No, I met Bing, I think, around1932.
And we played the Capitol Theatre in New York.
And, luckily for me, we did an act together.
Liketwo farmers meeting on the street.
The president of the Coca-Cola company meeting the president of the Pepsi-Cola Company on the street, which I did at the Palladium with Jerry Desmond.
You know, where they say, "Good to see you.
" BOB BELCHES You know.
LAUGHTER "A larger bottle.
" You know, all that stuff.
And the two farmers where you milk the thing, you know.
Bop, bop, bop, bop.
bop.
And the two politicians, where you go in each other's pockets and all that kind of thing.
And they loved that kind of stuff, you know.
And when we When I went out to Hollywood, before the Road pictures, I went down to the Del Mar Turf Club ball, which Bing owned part of, a big part of it anyway, andwe did our act together.
And the boys from Paramount saw us and said, "These guys really work good together, let's put 'em in something.
" And they put us this in this picture called Road To Singapore.
Yeah.
And that's how the whole thing started.
How did the feud developed though? The Well, that was a gag for radio, where you could have some fun with each other, you know? And if I went on his show, they would His writers would say, "He's going to tell a joke down on page nine, "about the chicken that moults too early in the year.
" I'm just giving you an example.
So on page seven, I would tell it.
LAUGHTER And he'd give me that startled LAUGHTER He'd give me that look.
And then he'd double back on me, you know? So it kept us kind of awake, you know? And we did that in pictures after a while.
Hmm.
We used to steal jokes from each other.
Marvellous, we just had more fun.
It looks a marvellous relationship.
Have you ever had a cross word? Have you ever had a row? No.
Not at all? Never? You can't have a row with him, because he just walks away.
He doesn't row with anybody.
No.
I was the loudmouth.
If anything happened, I'd say, "Well, I'll go up and tell 'em.
" And Bing would say, "Yeah, find out about it.
LAUGHTER And he'd go to the golf course and wait.
LAUGHTER No, he's He wouldn't fight with you anyway.
There's a contrast in the two of you, because he does take life very easily, doesn't he? He sort of relaxes all the time.
He sure does, but he loves to be on, he's as hammy as anybody.
That's true.
It's true.
Yes, it is true.
I admire him for it, because you have to be in our business, you know? Yes.
I sleep on a hook at night, but he's got He's got a clove right there.
LAUGHTER And he'she's a delightful ham.
Looking into the research, there's an extraordinary amount of jobs that you did before eventually you went onstage.
I'll just quote some of them.
You were a butcher's mate, a shoe salesman, a pool hustler, stock boy in a meat market.
Right.
Pool hustler I like.
A golf caddie and you once sold newspapers to John D Rockefeller.
That's right, when I was a paperboy.
Really? Uh-huh.
Did any of that rub off on you, John D Rockefeller? A little.
Just a little.
A little oil.
How much of a hustler were you in those days? Oh, I wasn't.
You know, we just used to hang around the pool room and clown around, you know, hustle each other.
Hm.
Nothing serious.
And I did that while I was going to dancing school, because the guys I used to hang around with used to play pool.
Yeah.
You were also once a boxer too, weren't you? Yeah, you're getting into the nasty stuff, aren't you? Well, that fascinated me because you don't really look like a boxer.
You saw my nose from that angle and you I did, I fought under the name of Rembrandt Hope, I was on the canvas so much.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE I love I love boxing, I really do.
And I used to love to climb into the ring.
I don't remember ever leaving it.
LAUGHTER But I was an amateur, I didn't After a while I could get a little money, they used to lay it on the stretcher alongside me as I left.
We've got a clip of you in action, actually, making your comeback.
In Madison Square Garden, wasn't it? Right, the opening of Madison Square Garden.
And, in fact, your opponent is Rocky Marciano.
Here we are.
Let's have a look.
So you're the champ, huh? Yeah! BOB GROWLS ROCKY GROWLS BOB PURRS BOTH GROWL Thank you, Sonny & Cher.
LAUGHTER Now listen, boys, I want a good, clean fight.
Break clean, no biting.
Remember now, no hitting below the belt.
Watch it.
Oh, the old rules, huh? Yeah.
Well, OK.
LAUGHTER BOTH: # Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake Bake a cake as fast as you can! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Boy, I've been waiting 30 years for that! APPLAUSE Although he was the world's most successful comedian, Bob was always open about the fact that his jokes were written by teams of writers he'd employed from the beginning of his career.
He was also comfortable with people knowing that during performances he'd read his lines off cue cards, as can be seen in this fascinating recording from New Year's Eve, 1969.
No, I was born in England, I really was.
It was a typically British birth, I was three at the time.
You know, they had a strike in the maternity ward and I came out in sympathy.
LAUGHTER I was in London just a few weeks ago for the opening of my new movie, How To Commit Marriage, and people came to the West End from miles around for the occasion.
My relatives always show up when it's free.
LAUGHTER But I hope you get to see How To Commit Marriage, because this movie is different, my co-star Jackie Gleason couldn't make the opening You goofed it there.
That's after.
You got that card in the wrong place, Barne.
Take the card out of the middle.
That's right.
Now put it back.
LAUGHTER Now, what are we going to do about that? Shall we start over or what? ALL: Yeah! Cut.
Cut it, Mort.
Cut it.
Are they going to be able to cut this thing? Cut it.
You want to slate it again, Woody? Yeah.
But I do hope you get to see How To Commit Marriage, because this movie is different, the actors wear clothes and the ushers are nude.
LAUGHTER My co-star, Jackie Gleason, couldn't make the opening, they told him at the airport that he was overweight, and that's tough when you haven't got any luggage.
LAUGHTER The picture played to enormous audiences in New York, they even enjoyed the movie that was on with it, Hello, Dolly! LAUGHTER And I was hoping the Royal Family would attend, but they had a prior commitment, Princess Anne was hosting a sale of hats at Buckingham Palace.
LAUGHTER No, I know all the Royal family personally, the Queen, Prince Philip and their financial adviser, Jack Benny.
LAUGHTER But I'm kidding, all those reports about Her Majesty's money problems are just rumours.
And Richard Burton is furious, he wanted first refusal on the Crown Jewels.
LAUGHTER No, all the stars were in London, I saw Liberace in Park Lane walking hand in hand with himself.
LAUGHTER HUBBUB And I And I bumped into Douglas Fairbanks Jr, he was on his way to The London Clinic for a monocle transplant.
LAUGHTER And, you know, there's a new flag flying over the British Embassy, it shows the Duke of Edinburgh playing polo on a field of travellers cheques.
LAUGHTER And I had a beautiful suite at the Savoy.
I love it, they are so polite there, one morning the water in my bathtub gurgled and a pageboy walked in and said, "Pardon?" LAUGHTER No, the Savoy Hotel is really steeped in tradition.
In fact, the towels don't say His & Hers, they're marked Mine & Thine.
But I love the British.
I asked a Londoner how he felt about the Apollo moon landings and he said, "Splendid, but we hate show-offs.
" The moon landing references were, of course, very 1969, and that's one reason for the incredible longevity of Bob Hope's career, the ease with which he blended tried and trusted jokes with more up-to-the-minute material.
There are examples of each type of humour in this appearance on Parkinson.
Let's start with him discussing the and then highly topical Hollywood actors strike of 1980.
It's good actually to have you here, because you've got lots of industrial problems over in your profession at present with the actors strike.
It's all fixed, isn't it? Isn't the strike over? Is it? I think so.
Is it? It was quite a thing, though.
Everybody was picketing out there from their good side.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Actually, Michael, they were picketing, you know, the stars, who make plenty of money, they were picketing and it's the first time I've ever seen a picket line with a maitre d'.
But they were really picketing for the bit people, you know, because there's 63,000 actors that lay around waiting for work.
So the stars were really trying to get it for them, trying to get all these residuals.
And it's a funny kind of a strike when a fellow can walk off a job and get into his Rolls-Royce and walk out and get into his swimming pool and refuse to come out unless they improve working conditions.
LAUGHTER That's America, I want to tell you that.
And after laughs about the latest events, here's one of his golden-oldie gags about his favourite leisure pastime, golf.
Which was the best golfing story? The best golfing story? Let me see.
How about the fella playing and he came to this hole in one.
He said, "I've never had a hole in one.
If I could get a hole-in-one, I'd give anything in the world.
This little genie jumped up on his shoulder and said, "Anything?" The genie said, "Would you give five years of your sex life?" He said, "Yeah, I think I would.
" And he knocked his ball, it wasn't too good, but it hit a rock, went up and fell in the hole.
He said, "A hole in one!" He walked to the next hole, a par 5, he said, "I've never had a birdie on this hole.
If I could get a birdie, I'd give anything in the world.
" And this little genie jumped up and said, "Anything? Would you give ten years of your sex life?" He said, "Ten years?! But, yes, I would.
" He said, "Well, play.
" And he hit three pretty good shots and his fourth shot wasn't too good, but it hit a bench and rolled in the cup.
He said, "How do you like that, "a hole in one and a birdie the same day.
This is the greatest day of my golfing career.
" And the genie jumped on his shoulder and said, "I didn't get your name.
" And he said, "Father O'Toole.
" LAUGHTER APPLAUSE How many American Presidents have you played golf with? Oh, I don't know.
Let me see, Ford I play with Ford all the time.
I love to play with him, it's nice to get some money back from the government.
LAUGHTER Ford and Nixon and Kennedy andLyndon Johnson.
About four of 'em.
Which was the best golfer? I think Oh, Eisenhower a lot.
We all played with Ike, 'cause he just loved the game.
What was it like playing with Eisenhower? Well, you had to play, because The first time I played with him was about 1951.
He'd just been assigned the presidency and I played with him and I played as his partner.
And we played for a dollar, dollar, dollar at Burning Tree against Symington and Prescott Bush, who were too fine golfers.
And I played lousy.
At that time I was a six and I hit an 84 and we had to pay off.
The next day, I played against the President, I wasn't playing with him, but we all had lunch and made bets, you know, and I shot a 75 and I beat him for four dollars.
And he looked me in the eye as I was paying him off, he said, "Why didn't you play this way yesterday?" LAUGHTER And it's hard to ad lib with a president about things like that.
Yes, absolutely.
Who was the one who had the best sense of humour, do you think? I think maybemaybe Kennedy.
Yeah, Kennedy liked to tell jokes.
Hm.
On politics, I mean, did you have any political ambition yourself? No, no.
I've been asked to a couple of times, but the money is not right.
LAUGHTER No, it's not.
And I'd hate to move to a smaller house.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You've just come back from Moscow, haven't you? Yeah, I was in Moscow.
What were you doing there? I was doing a show for the US Ambassador and I did a show for all the people in the embassy.
And I also did one for the British Embassy, by the way.
Uh-huh.
And we had a little trouble over there, I was thrown, out of the Kremlin.
Why? Well, I was walking around and I saw a star on the door and thought it was my dressing room.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You are of course It's amazing the amount of work you still do.
You're a rich man, a very rich man.
Not too rich after today.
LAUGHTER Not after today, no.
No.
But you could retire if you wanted to? Dickie has all my money.
LAUGHTER Marlon Brando once said that if they were opening a phone booth that you'd turn up.
Erm LAUGHTER Brando?! That's what he said.
Brando never said a funny line in his life.
LAUGHTER That was Crosby.
He said when they open the icebox and the light goes on, I do 20 minutes.
LAUGHTER I do get around, I'll tell you that.
You've done everything in your life, you won more than 1,000 awards, never got an Academy Award, have you? You had to bring that up, didn't you? LAUGHTER I'm sorry.
You sure know how to wound a star.
LAUGHTER No, I've been Let me tell you something, you can make great, great pictures, I made 60 pictures, and you can come out with a picture that you think should be nominated for something and you find out you're with Gone With The Wind and Boom Town, you know.
I haven't given up, I still have my speech ready.
LAUGHTER I don't know how long I've had it, but it's in Latin.
LAUGHTER An Oscar would certainly have been nice, but Bob Hope didn't need it to prove anything.
By any standards, his 70-year career was extraordinary.
The king of one-liners finally signed out aged 100 in 2003.
His passing made headlines across the world and many of the eulogies were accompanied by this, his signature song called, appropriately, Thanks For The Memory.
APPLAUSE # Thanks for the memory # Of being on your show # You take things nice and slow # It's lovely being here with you # But where did Christmas go? # Oh, thank you so much # Thanks for the memory # Of what England means to me # A tea bag in my tea # The country's run by Chrysler And there's Kojak on TV LAUGHTER # Oh, thank you so much # I was going to give you a present # For making my stay here so pleasant # A turkey perhaps or a pheasant # But here I am # A well-boiled ham # So thanks for the memory # Of tonight with Michael P # Who's been so nice to me His kindness was enormous in contrast to the fee LAUGHTER # Transportation's not important # I'll walk back across the sea So thank you so much.
Thank you.
APPLAUSE Thank you.
APPLAUSE