TallBoyz (2019) s01e01 Episode Script
Suck It up and Go to Mars, Franco!
1 TRANSIT COP: Whoa! FRANCO: Train is for the people, man! TRANSIT COP: Transit Authority! Freeze! VANCE: O-o-oh! TIM: I'm comin' around! - Oof! - WOMAN: [SCREAMS.]
TIM: Ooh, sorry! CHARITY WORKER: Do you have a moment for the environment? EMPLOYEE: Try a nice Niagara wine? TIM: [SPITS.]
TIM: Oof! Ooh! TRANSIT COP: Hey! Don't make me use this! TIM: Is that pepper spray? TRANSIT COP: Yeah.
We're not allowed to have guns.
This isn't America.
- TIM: Oh, yeah.
- FRANCO: Oh, yeah! TIM: It's just the policy.
FRANCO: They got a problem over there.
TRANSIT COP 2: What's it gonna be, boys? VANCE: Guys, at the end of it all, there's no one else I'd rather be with.
Tim, I want you to know that you're my best friend.
TIM: Vance, Guled's my best friend.
- GULED: Since grade 6! - TIM: [LAUGHS.]
FRANCO: Wait Guled's my best friend! We did improv class together.
GULED: Yeah! I forgot about that.
- TIM: That's not improv.
- VANCE: Wait! Isn't anyone my best friend? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Okay, fine! Can we least agree that we're all good enough friends to jump off this roof together? [ALL AGREEING.]
FRANCO: As a group, top four for sure.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
TRANSIT COP: That was the dumbest, bravest sweetest thing I've ever seen.
Wish I had a friend who was willing to jump off a building with me.
TRANSIT COP 2: Uh, we're just work friends, man.
BOYZ B BOYZ: Girl, I love you Said, girl, I love you SINGER: You know that I love SINGER 2: Oh! SINGER 2: Love - SINGER 3: Love SINGER 4: Love SINGER 3: Hey-ey-ey All your friends don't like me They say I'm not good for you SINGER 4: They say I'm a bad boy Got too much attitude SINGER 2: But they don't know, girl What I do for you SINGER: I can't wait for tonight, girl I'm gonna show it all to you BOYZ B BOYZ: Tonight's the night We'll finally be free I'll unlock your heart with my key You show me all of you And I'll show you all of me SINGER: Ye-e-e-ah [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
SINGER 2: What the hell, Michael? SINGER 4: We looked like a bunch of idiots out there! MICHAEL: I don't think they noticed how flat you sounded.
SINGER 4: I'm talking about your goddamn shirt, you idiot! SINGER 3: Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable taking it off.
SINGER 4: Neither do I! But every single boy band has to do it.
Look, we all have our roles.
I'm the bad boy.
SINGER 2: I'm the shy one.
SINGER 3: I'm the one with cornrows.
SINGER 4: And you're the heartthrob.
What kind of heartthrob doesn't take off his shirt? MICHAEL: You wouldn't understand.
My body's weird.
SINGER 3: Michael, everyone feels a little insecure about their body? SINGER 4: We love you Michael, and we accept you for you, no matter what.
SINGER 3: So, what do you say? Will you take off your shirt? For the band? VICTOR: Hello! [BANDMATES SCREAMING.]
MICHAEL: No, no, please! This is my unabsorbed twin, Victor.
He's been doing all of my singing.
VICTOR: [SOULFUL VOICE.]
Whoa-oh-ho! SINGER 2: How could something so grotesque sing so beautifully? SINGER 4: All this time I thought you were covering up your body because you were chubby.
MICHAEL: I'm not chubby.
SINGER 4: But it was actually because you had a twin that wasn't fully absorbed.
SINGER 3: It's so obvious.
We should have known! SINGER 2: How could we have known that? SINGER 4: Because we're friends, Tyler! MICHAEL: Yeah, Tyler! - SINGER 3: Tyler! VICTOR: Tyler! [MUTED SOUND OF AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
SINGER 3: What do you guys say? Michael? BOYZ B BOYZ: Sometimes you feel lonely Sometimes you feel down But if you whisper my name, girl I'll be around [CROWD FALLS SILENT.]
I'll do whatever you need I'll do whatever it takes You show me all of you, girl And I'll show you all of my faces FAN: I love the tiny one! - [APPLAUSE.]
- FAN: Boyz B Boyz! VANCE: Hey! Welcome to "I know Canada," the game where we ask everyday folks how much they know about Canada, for a chance at 10,000 dollars.
I'm Vance Banzo, and today our contestant is CONOR: Conor.
VANCE: [LAUGHS.]
Conor.
You think you can win today? CONOR: Oh, yeah.
I know a lot about Canada.
VANCE: [LAUGHS.]
Fantastic.
Well today, we are gonna be playing "Indigenous Canadian, or Canadian Penny?" CONOR: Oh! Okay.
VANCE: You get four clues, and you're gonna guess whether I'm talking about an Indigenous Canadian, or a Canadian penny.
Pretty simple? Alright, clue number one They are known to be reddish-brown in colour.
CONOR: Uh Oh! Um I'm not sure if I wanna VANCE: Clue number two This is something they might say.
The Canadian government has been trying to get rid of me for years.
CONOR: Ah Oh, jeeze.
Um That could That could be both? VANCE: Alright, get ready for that third clue Upon birth, they are marked with the Queen's image.
CONOR: [EXHALES.]
Okay.
Okay, I think I got this one.
VANCE: [LAUGHS.]
Last clue.
Is this something an Indigenous Canadian would say, or something a Canadian penny would say? "I am a penny.
" CONOR: Penny! It's penny.
VANCE: In the hands of settlers and invaders Oh, I am sorry, Conor, I was using poetic license! CONOR: Dammit! VANCE: Chi-miigwech for playing, Conor.
- What a pleasure it has been.
- CONOR: Wait.
Indigenous people are not marked at birth.
VANCE: Guess I lied to you.
Do we know anyone else who's been lied to? Doesn't feel too good, does it, Conor? Alright! Join us next time where we will be playing "What Should You Call Me?" Indigenous, First Nations, Vance? The answer will surprise you.
GYM TEACHER: Samantha, put down your phone.
Theon, phone? Away? Daenerys, phone down, please.
[STUDENTS CHATTERING.]
GYM TEACHER: [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
As some of you may have heard, the new sexual health curriculum got canned 'cause the higher-ups are freaking out at the mere mention of anal.
BRADLEY: [LAUGHS.]
Anal.
GYM TEACHER: Bradley, how about you take a lap? Yeah.
That's me being anal about education, Bradley.
Anywho, we're gonna be reverting back to the old sexual health curriculum from 1998.
No cheers for '98? Gimme a break.
Nagano.
Our Lady Peace.
DENISE: What's that? - GYM TEACHER: This is a VCR.
It was the DVDs before DVDs.
DENISE: What's a DVD? GYM TEACHER: Alright, let's just get this started.
COOL CAT LEON: 'Sup, dudes and dudettes? Veejay Cool Cat Leon here.
Just taking a break from hosting Electric Dance to talk to you about your body.
Some of you might be like, "As if.
" Some of you might be buggin', and some of you might be experiencing changes to your peepees and lady-bits.
Hmm! DENISE: Why doesn't he just say penis and vagina? GYM TEACHER: We're not allowed to say that anymore, Denise.
DENISE: But it's the proper term.
GYM TEACHER: Denise! Can you do me a huge favour? - Take a lap! - DENISE: Ugh.
You are just like my stepdad.
COOL CAT LEON: Wazzup? I'm here to tell you that even if you're pretty fly for a white guy, there's a safe way to get jiggy with it.
Mm-hm.
[PHONE RINGS.]
MRS MARKS: Hello? - TEEN BOY: Hi, Mrs.
Marks.
Is Samantha home? MRS.
MARKS: Yes.
Let me go get her.
DENISE: Wait, I don't get it.
You have to ask to talk on the phone? BRADLEY: Don't they have their own phones? DENISE: Right? BRADLEY: This is starting to scare me.
MRS.
MARKS: Samantha [WHISPERED.]
It's a boy! SAMANTHA: Hello? - TEEN BOY: Hey, Samantha, - you ready for the dance? - SAMANTHA: Of course! It's gonna be phat! TEEN BOY: Yeah.
Um, I was just wondering after the dance, do you wanna go to a hotel to get jiggy with it? SAMANTHA: Oh! You want to get jiggy with it? DENISE: Do do they mean sex? GYM TEACHER: Uh, I'm not legally allowed to say.
SAMANTHA: Uh, I don't think I'm ready.
TEEN BOY: Alright, fine! If you don't wanna go to the dance with me, just say so.
SAMANTHA: It's not that! TEEN BOY: Just say you don't wanna go.
SAMANTHA: I, uh TEEN BOY: Just say no! - SAMANTHA: Uh N uh BRADLEY: She should feel comfortable saying no.
DENISE: I think her hesitation says it.
BRADLEY: Okay.
- SAMANTHA: Uh, um, n TEEN BOY: Alright! I'll see you there! SAMANTHA: Okay.
MRS.
MARKS: What happened? SAMANTHA: I'm gonna go through with it.
MRS.
MARKS: Oh, good for you.
- SAMANTHA: Mm-hm.
BRADLEY: This feels very wrong.
DENISE: I feel sick.
TEEN BOY: I'm the king of the world! COOL CAT LEON: Always wear a condom.
GYM TEACHER: Amen to that.
- Okay.
- DENISE: What? GYM TEACHER: Any questions? Okay, alright.
I'm gonna go take ahead and take a lap, okay? Alright.
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
Okay.
Get back on your stupid phones.
Ugh! TRANSIT COP: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
TRANSIT COP 2: Excuse me, sir.
Do you have a transfer? GYM TEACHER: No? - TRANSIT COP: Suspect male.
Tall.
Mustache.
Tom Selleck-looking.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
VANCE: I think I'm gonna go to bed.
This is too scary.
TIM: It's the fireplace channel.
VANCE: It always freaks me out when they put on another log.
FRANCO: Hey! Where's Guled? TIM: He went to bed.
He's got an early driver's test in the morning.
FRANCO: Oh, hey, Guled, I - TIM: Shh! - I think he's sleep-walking.
- VANCE: Yeah.
Sometimes he blurts out some real personal stuff.
GULED: I'm in love with Katherine.
[LAUGHTER.]
GULED: I don't want her to know I'm afraid to parallel park.
She'd never go for me if she found out.
FRANCO: [LAUGHS.]
- VANCE: Who's Katherine? TIM: I think that's his driving teacher.
VANCE: [LAUGHS.]
- GULED: I hate driving.
[LAUGHTER.]
GULED: My parents used to argue all the time in the car before they split.
TIM: Maybe this is a bit too honest? We really don't need to hear this.
GULED: I still resent my little sister for getting all the love as kids.
VANCE: I didn't even know he had a little sister.
GULED: Vance? VANCE: Yeah, buddy? GULED: You can be really off-putting.
- TIM: Oh, no.
- VANCE: Huh.
GULED: I'm constantly ranking and comparing the three of you in my head.
- You usually come out last.
- VANCE: Huh? TIM: We should wake him up.
- FRANCO: Why? Finally, we get to know what Guled really thinks of us.
GULED: Franco? That's all I got.
I barely think about you.
FRANCO: Well, I don't think about you either! VANCE: Jeeze.
That's rough, man.
FRANCO: At least he doesn't hate me.
VANCE: He doesn't hate me.
He just finds me off-putting.
FRANCO: Suck it up, baby! GULED: Where's all this anger coming from, Franco? You used to be so much more relaxed.
FRANCO: Shut up! Shut up! TIM: Alright, that's it.
I'm waking him up.
GULED: Tim, I think you're an awesome guy.
TIM: Let the man finish.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
VANCE: [SCREAMS.]
TIM: I just had the craziest dream.
Guled was being super mean.
VANCE: Yeah! Guled can be a real jerk sometimes.
FRANCO: And he caused his parents' divorce.
FRANCO, TIM, & VANCE: Ooh! - GULED: No! Ah! Oh, thank God! It was just a dream.
KATHERINE: Uh, Guled? You failed your driving test.
GULED: Oh.
I didn't say anything embarrassing, did I? KATHERINE: Just that you love me.
- [LAUGHS.]
- GULED: Aw JEFF: Dear Diary, it finally happened today.
I kissed a girl for the first time at the age of 25.
It was everything I imagined it would be.
CAL: Yo! Me and the boys are headed to Club Ice for Freaky Friday.
- What you sayin'? - JEFF: Bro, I'm there! - Let's shut that place down! - CAL: Yeah! JEFF: Gimme like 10 minutes.
- CAL: Alright.
JEFF: Her lips were soft and beautiful.
I wanted that moment to last forever.
[RAPPING.]
I come through, you and your whole crew, my guns go rat-tat-tat-tat! Your guns go pew, pew Oh, my bad.
Just workin' on these bars.
I didn't see you there.
CAL: Yeah, uh We're gonna get bottle service.
You in? JEFF: You ain't even gotta ask.
- You already know my answer.
- CAL: My man! JEFF: Oh, we gonna get crazy tonight! BOTH: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah [LAUGHING.]
JEFF: I'm so sorry.
That was really disrespectful.
CAL: Yo, do my fellas run this joint? - CROWD: Oh, yeah! - [CHEERING.]
CAL: Yeah, you know it! JEFF: Dear Diary, maybe tonight I'll find love.
I know there's someone out there for me.
CAL: Is that Is that a diary?! - Yo! - JEFF: No - It's not! - CAL: Say word! - It's a diary.
- CAL: Yo, yo! - JEFF: Give it back! - CAL: Yo, yo! HYPE MAN: The thing says, "Let life surprise you.
" GULED: No, it's my book of rhymes, give it! CAL: Yo, yo, yo Oh, yo, everybody! Everybody! Hey, cut the music.
Yo, my boy Jeff brought his diary to the club! [LAUGHTER.]
CAL: That's some Bridget Jones, Eat Pray Love, Carrie Bradshaw type shit.
Yo, yo, check this out! "Dear Diary, we went to Club Ice for the 40th Friday in a row.
"Cal says we run that joint.
" All year long, baby! - HYPE MAN: Hell yeah! - [CROWD CHEERING.]
CAL: "I think he's running away from his bills, "and from his job "and worst of all, from himself.
"He numbs himself with vodka shots.
"Why are you so afraid to feel, Cal? "I long for the day when I can "when I can look him in the eyes and say, "'You are enough.
' "'You're my friend, and I love you.
'" CAL: I love you too, bro.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
CAL: Your prose is lit, fam.
DJ: Oh, there he is! Big man talkin' about his diary! You wanna go? You wanna scrap?! DJ: My scrapbook's more of a vision board.
JEFF: It's all about the groupings.
I'm gonna own a boat one day.
- I'm gonna find love.
- JEFF: Aw! POOL HALL MAN: Man's finished working a 12-hour shift when my boy Finn linked me and said, "Yo! Come through.
"This party about to be litty.
"Trust!" I fell asleep, though.
Next 'ting, woke up to bare missed calls and a picture of him.
I coulda met Drake.
CLUB MAN: I just left a pop-up dispensary, and was on my way to a pop-up art installation.
When I arrived, the crowd was abuzz, and there was a black SUV leaving.
I just missed him.
STREET MAN: According to American Apparel in '08, he shopped there in '09.
So, so close.
BIKE MAN: I ride a bike.
He rides a bike.
So, yeah ALL: I coulda met Drake.
BIKE MAN: All I wanna do is go on a tandem bike ride with Drake through the 6ix.
Is that so much to ask? - [POLICE SIREN.]
- FRIEND: Aw, shit, man.
I told you we shouldn't have gone down this street.
Police Station Avenue? Ya didn't think.
RAY: Don't worry, I've been through this 100 times.
Just let me do the talking.
FRIEND: Okay RAY & OFFICER: I'm gonna need you to roll down the window.
RAY: Sorry about that, officer.
It's a little finicky.
RAY & OFFICER: Can I get your license and registration, sir? RAY: Yep.
[SIGHS.]
RAY & OFFICER: It says here your name is Ray Smith, and you're a resident of Oakwood Village? RAY: Yeah, sir.
I live in a bungalow.
FRIEND: Ray? How do you know what they're gonna say? RAY: Like I said, I've been through this a hundred times.
I'm a black man in a car.
RAY & OFFICER 2: Do you know why we pulled you over? RAY: Yeah.
I was going 45 in a 50.
We've just got a lot of cakes in the back, - so I wanted to go a little slow.
- FRIEND: Yeah, officers.
We're actually having a bake sale to raise funds for RAY & OFFICER 2: Shut the hell up.
RAY & OFFICER: Step out of the vehicle.
FRIEND: Oh, god.
RAY: Ow FRIEND: Ray! What the hell are you doing? RAY & OFFICER 2: Okay.
You both have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law.
FRIEND: Hm? RAY & OFFICER: Hey, watch yourself, smartass.
RAY & OFFICER 2: You won't be mouthing off when we bring in the dogs.
RAY & OFFICER: I got 19 years on the force and I've never been more disrespected.
FRIEND: Hm? RAY & OFFICER 2: I've been on the force for 10 years because I'm a functionally illiterate high-school drop-out - who is too scared - RAY: To reach out for help.
RAY & OFFICER: I work out five times a week, and while I actively work out who I am on the outside, I'm deeply afraid of facing who I am on the inside.
RAY & OFFICER 2: I never learned how to swim because I'm ashamed of my body, so I wear a T-shirt when I go to the beach.
FRIEND: Hm! RAY & OFFICER: I had a wet dream about my mom.
It was very confusing.
Maybe it's because my dad was never around and I felt like I had to be the man of the house.
Maybe that's why I overcompensate, to prove my masculinity, because I so desperately want to be a man, but I know deep down, I'll just be a little boy.
OFFICER 2: That's the truth, partner.
RAY: Generally, this is where I get let off with a warning.
OFFICER: Okay, but RAY & OFFICER: Don't let us see you - in this neighbourhood again.
- RAY: Yeah, yeah.
I know.
Have a nice night, officers.
FRIEND: [EXHALES.]
OFFICER: Also, this road is blocked off.
You're gonna have to take Stand Your Ground Boulevard.
TRANSIT COP: Transit Authority! RAY: How can I help you? TRANSIT COP: I just wanna know why you're not taking public transit.
RAY: We have a car? TRANSIT COP: Sure.
TIM: Ooh, sorry! CHARITY WORKER: Do you have a moment for the environment? EMPLOYEE: Try a nice Niagara wine? TIM: [SPITS.]
TIM: Oof! Ooh! TRANSIT COP: Hey! Don't make me use this! TIM: Is that pepper spray? TRANSIT COP: Yeah.
We're not allowed to have guns.
This isn't America.
- TIM: Oh, yeah.
- FRANCO: Oh, yeah! TIM: It's just the policy.
FRANCO: They got a problem over there.
TRANSIT COP 2: What's it gonna be, boys? VANCE: Guys, at the end of it all, there's no one else I'd rather be with.
Tim, I want you to know that you're my best friend.
TIM: Vance, Guled's my best friend.
- GULED: Since grade 6! - TIM: [LAUGHS.]
FRANCO: Wait Guled's my best friend! We did improv class together.
GULED: Yeah! I forgot about that.
- TIM: That's not improv.
- VANCE: Wait! Isn't anyone my best friend? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Okay, fine! Can we least agree that we're all good enough friends to jump off this roof together? [ALL AGREEING.]
FRANCO: As a group, top four for sure.
[ALL SCREAMING.]
TRANSIT COP: That was the dumbest, bravest sweetest thing I've ever seen.
Wish I had a friend who was willing to jump off a building with me.
TRANSIT COP 2: Uh, we're just work friends, man.
BOYZ B BOYZ: Girl, I love you Said, girl, I love you SINGER: You know that I love SINGER 2: Oh! SINGER 2: Love - SINGER 3: Love SINGER 4: Love SINGER 3: Hey-ey-ey All your friends don't like me They say I'm not good for you SINGER 4: They say I'm a bad boy Got too much attitude SINGER 2: But they don't know, girl What I do for you SINGER: I can't wait for tonight, girl I'm gonna show it all to you BOYZ B BOYZ: Tonight's the night We'll finally be free I'll unlock your heart with my key You show me all of you And I'll show you all of me SINGER: Ye-e-e-ah [AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
SINGER 2: What the hell, Michael? SINGER 4: We looked like a bunch of idiots out there! MICHAEL: I don't think they noticed how flat you sounded.
SINGER 4: I'm talking about your goddamn shirt, you idiot! SINGER 3: Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable taking it off.
SINGER 4: Neither do I! But every single boy band has to do it.
Look, we all have our roles.
I'm the bad boy.
SINGER 2: I'm the shy one.
SINGER 3: I'm the one with cornrows.
SINGER 4: And you're the heartthrob.
What kind of heartthrob doesn't take off his shirt? MICHAEL: You wouldn't understand.
My body's weird.
SINGER 3: Michael, everyone feels a little insecure about their body? SINGER 4: We love you Michael, and we accept you for you, no matter what.
SINGER 3: So, what do you say? Will you take off your shirt? For the band? VICTOR: Hello! [BANDMATES SCREAMING.]
MICHAEL: No, no, please! This is my unabsorbed twin, Victor.
He's been doing all of my singing.
VICTOR: [SOULFUL VOICE.]
Whoa-oh-ho! SINGER 2: How could something so grotesque sing so beautifully? SINGER 4: All this time I thought you were covering up your body because you were chubby.
MICHAEL: I'm not chubby.
SINGER 4: But it was actually because you had a twin that wasn't fully absorbed.
SINGER 3: It's so obvious.
We should have known! SINGER 2: How could we have known that? SINGER 4: Because we're friends, Tyler! MICHAEL: Yeah, Tyler! - SINGER 3: Tyler! VICTOR: Tyler! [MUTED SOUND OF AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
SINGER 3: What do you guys say? Michael? BOYZ B BOYZ: Sometimes you feel lonely Sometimes you feel down But if you whisper my name, girl I'll be around [CROWD FALLS SILENT.]
I'll do whatever you need I'll do whatever it takes You show me all of you, girl And I'll show you all of my faces FAN: I love the tiny one! - [APPLAUSE.]
- FAN: Boyz B Boyz! VANCE: Hey! Welcome to "I know Canada," the game where we ask everyday folks how much they know about Canada, for a chance at 10,000 dollars.
I'm Vance Banzo, and today our contestant is CONOR: Conor.
VANCE: [LAUGHS.]
Conor.
You think you can win today? CONOR: Oh, yeah.
I know a lot about Canada.
VANCE: [LAUGHS.]
Fantastic.
Well today, we are gonna be playing "Indigenous Canadian, or Canadian Penny?" CONOR: Oh! Okay.
VANCE: You get four clues, and you're gonna guess whether I'm talking about an Indigenous Canadian, or a Canadian penny.
Pretty simple? Alright, clue number one They are known to be reddish-brown in colour.
CONOR: Uh Oh! Um I'm not sure if I wanna VANCE: Clue number two This is something they might say.
The Canadian government has been trying to get rid of me for years.
CONOR: Ah Oh, jeeze.
Um That could That could be both? VANCE: Alright, get ready for that third clue Upon birth, they are marked with the Queen's image.
CONOR: [EXHALES.]
Okay.
Okay, I think I got this one.
VANCE: [LAUGHS.]
Last clue.
Is this something an Indigenous Canadian would say, or something a Canadian penny would say? "I am a penny.
" CONOR: Penny! It's penny.
VANCE: In the hands of settlers and invaders Oh, I am sorry, Conor, I was using poetic license! CONOR: Dammit! VANCE: Chi-miigwech for playing, Conor.
- What a pleasure it has been.
- CONOR: Wait.
Indigenous people are not marked at birth.
VANCE: Guess I lied to you.
Do we know anyone else who's been lied to? Doesn't feel too good, does it, Conor? Alright! Join us next time where we will be playing "What Should You Call Me?" Indigenous, First Nations, Vance? The answer will surprise you.
GYM TEACHER: Samantha, put down your phone.
Theon, phone? Away? Daenerys, phone down, please.
[STUDENTS CHATTERING.]
GYM TEACHER: [BLOWS WHISTLE.]
As some of you may have heard, the new sexual health curriculum got canned 'cause the higher-ups are freaking out at the mere mention of anal.
BRADLEY: [LAUGHS.]
Anal.
GYM TEACHER: Bradley, how about you take a lap? Yeah.
That's me being anal about education, Bradley.
Anywho, we're gonna be reverting back to the old sexual health curriculum from 1998.
No cheers for '98? Gimme a break.
Nagano.
Our Lady Peace.
DENISE: What's that? - GYM TEACHER: This is a VCR.
It was the DVDs before DVDs.
DENISE: What's a DVD? GYM TEACHER: Alright, let's just get this started.
COOL CAT LEON: 'Sup, dudes and dudettes? Veejay Cool Cat Leon here.
Just taking a break from hosting Electric Dance to talk to you about your body.
Some of you might be like, "As if.
" Some of you might be buggin', and some of you might be experiencing changes to your peepees and lady-bits.
Hmm! DENISE: Why doesn't he just say penis and vagina? GYM TEACHER: We're not allowed to say that anymore, Denise.
DENISE: But it's the proper term.
GYM TEACHER: Denise! Can you do me a huge favour? - Take a lap! - DENISE: Ugh.
You are just like my stepdad.
COOL CAT LEON: Wazzup? I'm here to tell you that even if you're pretty fly for a white guy, there's a safe way to get jiggy with it.
Mm-hm.
[PHONE RINGS.]
MRS MARKS: Hello? - TEEN BOY: Hi, Mrs.
Marks.
Is Samantha home? MRS.
MARKS: Yes.
Let me go get her.
DENISE: Wait, I don't get it.
You have to ask to talk on the phone? BRADLEY: Don't they have their own phones? DENISE: Right? BRADLEY: This is starting to scare me.
MRS.
MARKS: Samantha [WHISPERED.]
It's a boy! SAMANTHA: Hello? - TEEN BOY: Hey, Samantha, - you ready for the dance? - SAMANTHA: Of course! It's gonna be phat! TEEN BOY: Yeah.
Um, I was just wondering after the dance, do you wanna go to a hotel to get jiggy with it? SAMANTHA: Oh! You want to get jiggy with it? DENISE: Do do they mean sex? GYM TEACHER: Uh, I'm not legally allowed to say.
SAMANTHA: Uh, I don't think I'm ready.
TEEN BOY: Alright, fine! If you don't wanna go to the dance with me, just say so.
SAMANTHA: It's not that! TEEN BOY: Just say you don't wanna go.
SAMANTHA: I, uh TEEN BOY: Just say no! - SAMANTHA: Uh N uh BRADLEY: She should feel comfortable saying no.
DENISE: I think her hesitation says it.
BRADLEY: Okay.
- SAMANTHA: Uh, um, n TEEN BOY: Alright! I'll see you there! SAMANTHA: Okay.
MRS.
MARKS: What happened? SAMANTHA: I'm gonna go through with it.
MRS.
MARKS: Oh, good for you.
- SAMANTHA: Mm-hm.
BRADLEY: This feels very wrong.
DENISE: I feel sick.
TEEN BOY: I'm the king of the world! COOL CAT LEON: Always wear a condom.
GYM TEACHER: Amen to that.
- Okay.
- DENISE: What? GYM TEACHER: Any questions? Okay, alright.
I'm gonna go take ahead and take a lap, okay? Alright.
[BLOWS WHISTLE.]
Okay.
Get back on your stupid phones.
Ugh! TRANSIT COP: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
TRANSIT COP 2: Excuse me, sir.
Do you have a transfer? GYM TEACHER: No? - TRANSIT COP: Suspect male.
Tall.
Mustache.
Tom Selleck-looking.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
VANCE: I think I'm gonna go to bed.
This is too scary.
TIM: It's the fireplace channel.
VANCE: It always freaks me out when they put on another log.
FRANCO: Hey! Where's Guled? TIM: He went to bed.
He's got an early driver's test in the morning.
FRANCO: Oh, hey, Guled, I - TIM: Shh! - I think he's sleep-walking.
- VANCE: Yeah.
Sometimes he blurts out some real personal stuff.
GULED: I'm in love with Katherine.
[LAUGHTER.]
GULED: I don't want her to know I'm afraid to parallel park.
She'd never go for me if she found out.
FRANCO: [LAUGHS.]
- VANCE: Who's Katherine? TIM: I think that's his driving teacher.
VANCE: [LAUGHS.]
- GULED: I hate driving.
[LAUGHTER.]
GULED: My parents used to argue all the time in the car before they split.
TIM: Maybe this is a bit too honest? We really don't need to hear this.
GULED: I still resent my little sister for getting all the love as kids.
VANCE: I didn't even know he had a little sister.
GULED: Vance? VANCE: Yeah, buddy? GULED: You can be really off-putting.
- TIM: Oh, no.
- VANCE: Huh.
GULED: I'm constantly ranking and comparing the three of you in my head.
- You usually come out last.
- VANCE: Huh? TIM: We should wake him up.
- FRANCO: Why? Finally, we get to know what Guled really thinks of us.
GULED: Franco? That's all I got.
I barely think about you.
FRANCO: Well, I don't think about you either! VANCE: Jeeze.
That's rough, man.
FRANCO: At least he doesn't hate me.
VANCE: He doesn't hate me.
He just finds me off-putting.
FRANCO: Suck it up, baby! GULED: Where's all this anger coming from, Franco? You used to be so much more relaxed.
FRANCO: Shut up! Shut up! TIM: Alright, that's it.
I'm waking him up.
GULED: Tim, I think you're an awesome guy.
TIM: Let the man finish.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
VANCE: [SCREAMS.]
TIM: I just had the craziest dream.
Guled was being super mean.
VANCE: Yeah! Guled can be a real jerk sometimes.
FRANCO: And he caused his parents' divorce.
FRANCO, TIM, & VANCE: Ooh! - GULED: No! Ah! Oh, thank God! It was just a dream.
KATHERINE: Uh, Guled? You failed your driving test.
GULED: Oh.
I didn't say anything embarrassing, did I? KATHERINE: Just that you love me.
- [LAUGHS.]
- GULED: Aw JEFF: Dear Diary, it finally happened today.
I kissed a girl for the first time at the age of 25.
It was everything I imagined it would be.
CAL: Yo! Me and the boys are headed to Club Ice for Freaky Friday.
- What you sayin'? - JEFF: Bro, I'm there! - Let's shut that place down! - CAL: Yeah! JEFF: Gimme like 10 minutes.
- CAL: Alright.
JEFF: Her lips were soft and beautiful.
I wanted that moment to last forever.
[RAPPING.]
I come through, you and your whole crew, my guns go rat-tat-tat-tat! Your guns go pew, pew Oh, my bad.
Just workin' on these bars.
I didn't see you there.
CAL: Yeah, uh We're gonna get bottle service.
You in? JEFF: You ain't even gotta ask.
- You already know my answer.
- CAL: My man! JEFF: Oh, we gonna get crazy tonight! BOTH: Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah! Ah, ah, ah, ah [LAUGHING.]
JEFF: I'm so sorry.
That was really disrespectful.
CAL: Yo, do my fellas run this joint? - CROWD: Oh, yeah! - [CHEERING.]
CAL: Yeah, you know it! JEFF: Dear Diary, maybe tonight I'll find love.
I know there's someone out there for me.
CAL: Is that Is that a diary?! - Yo! - JEFF: No - It's not! - CAL: Say word! - It's a diary.
- CAL: Yo, yo! - JEFF: Give it back! - CAL: Yo, yo! HYPE MAN: The thing says, "Let life surprise you.
" GULED: No, it's my book of rhymes, give it! CAL: Yo, yo, yo Oh, yo, everybody! Everybody! Hey, cut the music.
Yo, my boy Jeff brought his diary to the club! [LAUGHTER.]
CAL: That's some Bridget Jones, Eat Pray Love, Carrie Bradshaw type shit.
Yo, yo, check this out! "Dear Diary, we went to Club Ice for the 40th Friday in a row.
"Cal says we run that joint.
" All year long, baby! - HYPE MAN: Hell yeah! - [CROWD CHEERING.]
CAL: "I think he's running away from his bills, "and from his job "and worst of all, from himself.
"He numbs himself with vodka shots.
"Why are you so afraid to feel, Cal? "I long for the day when I can "when I can look him in the eyes and say, "'You are enough.
' "'You're my friend, and I love you.
'" CAL: I love you too, bro.
[CROWD CHEERING.]
CAL: Your prose is lit, fam.
DJ: Oh, there he is! Big man talkin' about his diary! You wanna go? You wanna scrap?! DJ: My scrapbook's more of a vision board.
JEFF: It's all about the groupings.
I'm gonna own a boat one day.
- I'm gonna find love.
- JEFF: Aw! POOL HALL MAN: Man's finished working a 12-hour shift when my boy Finn linked me and said, "Yo! Come through.
"This party about to be litty.
"Trust!" I fell asleep, though.
Next 'ting, woke up to bare missed calls and a picture of him.
I coulda met Drake.
CLUB MAN: I just left a pop-up dispensary, and was on my way to a pop-up art installation.
When I arrived, the crowd was abuzz, and there was a black SUV leaving.
I just missed him.
STREET MAN: According to American Apparel in '08, he shopped there in '09.
So, so close.
BIKE MAN: I ride a bike.
He rides a bike.
So, yeah ALL: I coulda met Drake.
BIKE MAN: All I wanna do is go on a tandem bike ride with Drake through the 6ix.
Is that so much to ask? - [POLICE SIREN.]
- FRIEND: Aw, shit, man.
I told you we shouldn't have gone down this street.
Police Station Avenue? Ya didn't think.
RAY: Don't worry, I've been through this 100 times.
Just let me do the talking.
FRIEND: Okay RAY & OFFICER: I'm gonna need you to roll down the window.
RAY: Sorry about that, officer.
It's a little finicky.
RAY & OFFICER: Can I get your license and registration, sir? RAY: Yep.
[SIGHS.]
RAY & OFFICER: It says here your name is Ray Smith, and you're a resident of Oakwood Village? RAY: Yeah, sir.
I live in a bungalow.
FRIEND: Ray? How do you know what they're gonna say? RAY: Like I said, I've been through this a hundred times.
I'm a black man in a car.
RAY & OFFICER 2: Do you know why we pulled you over? RAY: Yeah.
I was going 45 in a 50.
We've just got a lot of cakes in the back, - so I wanted to go a little slow.
- FRIEND: Yeah, officers.
We're actually having a bake sale to raise funds for RAY & OFFICER 2: Shut the hell up.
RAY & OFFICER: Step out of the vehicle.
FRIEND: Oh, god.
RAY: Ow FRIEND: Ray! What the hell are you doing? RAY & OFFICER 2: Okay.
You both have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of law.
FRIEND: Hm? RAY & OFFICER: Hey, watch yourself, smartass.
RAY & OFFICER 2: You won't be mouthing off when we bring in the dogs.
RAY & OFFICER: I got 19 years on the force and I've never been more disrespected.
FRIEND: Hm? RAY & OFFICER 2: I've been on the force for 10 years because I'm a functionally illiterate high-school drop-out - who is too scared - RAY: To reach out for help.
RAY & OFFICER: I work out five times a week, and while I actively work out who I am on the outside, I'm deeply afraid of facing who I am on the inside.
RAY & OFFICER 2: I never learned how to swim because I'm ashamed of my body, so I wear a T-shirt when I go to the beach.
FRIEND: Hm! RAY & OFFICER: I had a wet dream about my mom.
It was very confusing.
Maybe it's because my dad was never around and I felt like I had to be the man of the house.
Maybe that's why I overcompensate, to prove my masculinity, because I so desperately want to be a man, but I know deep down, I'll just be a little boy.
OFFICER 2: That's the truth, partner.
RAY: Generally, this is where I get let off with a warning.
OFFICER: Okay, but RAY & OFFICER: Don't let us see you - in this neighbourhood again.
- RAY: Yeah, yeah.
I know.
Have a nice night, officers.
FRIEND: [EXHALES.]
OFFICER: Also, this road is blocked off.
You're gonna have to take Stand Your Ground Boulevard.
TRANSIT COP: Transit Authority! RAY: How can I help you? TRANSIT COP: I just wanna know why you're not taking public transit.
RAY: We have a car? TRANSIT COP: Sure.