Telenovela (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Morning! God, I'm so late! [laughs.]
I'm okay, I just caught my shoe.
Ooh! Yup.
Okay, that one hurt.
might get silly got me singing his song Hey.
- You're late.
- Miami traffic.
You live two minutes away.
Fine, I overslept.
ain't it funny how I'm losing my mind - We were going to rehearse! - Oh, it's the usual! "I love you.
" "I hate you!" Mwah, mwah, mwah.
You're on in 30 seconds.
Okay.
How do I look? Everything's crooked.
Okay, here we go.
Places! And action! Pasión! More wind.
Pasión [laughs.]
No! Oh! [dramatic music.]
[sobbing.]
Cut! Ugh.
Great job, everybody.
- Coffee.
- Hair.
Wow, he burns down the barn? I did not see that coming.
Isaac, you wrote it.
How drunk were you last night? Eh, pretty drunk.
Girl, you know I am your number one fan, but nobody faints like that.
Mimi, stuff like that faint got me on the cover of "Cosmo en Español" ten times.
- Hugo! - God.
- Hugo! - Oh.
- Got him.
- [cat meows.]
There you are, sugar butt.
Thanks, Ana.
Why is the lady from the network here? Is someone getting fired? Job security.
I think I know why.
We're getting a new cast member.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God! You guys, I think it's Enrique Iglesias.
I've been asking the network to let us work together.
I love Enrique.
He's who I think about during our sex scenes.
Oh, my God, me too! Ana, great scene.
Great faint.
Oh, thanks, Stacey.
What's going on, are we getting a new cast member? We are.
He's here.
And he is an old friend of yours.
[squeals happily.]
Enrique! both: Xavi.
Hello, Ana Sofia.
Ahh.
Now that was a faint.
[dramatic Latin music.]
[hip-hop music.]
we live in Miami we live in Miami [sighs.]
They hired Xavier.
How could they hire my ex-husband to be on my show? Sorry, our show.
It takes a village.
No small parts, blah, blah, blah.
We're friends, you don't need to censor yourself.
Plus, Raul in Accounting showed me what everyone makes.
This is your show.
Look, there's a new network president.
I bet he hired Xavi to shake things up, and you and Xavi were the world's most famous Latino couple.
I mean, my cousin Jeff heard of you.
both: White Jeff.
Gael, aren't you upset about this? Now you have another hot guy to compete with.
Well, now I am.
I'm not gonna let this get to me.
I've worked with Xavi plenty of times before.
And our divorce wasn't that bad.
[screaming and crying.]
all by myself Hey, hey, I know you're talking about me.
When are you gonna learn Spanish? I'm fluent enough.
It's just when you talk really fast, I have no idea what you're saying.
[speaks quickly.]
I mean, the reverse is true.
When I talk really fast in English, do you have any idea what I'm saying? - Every word.
- Yes.
Okay, look, the point is I've moved on.
I'm not bitter.
[laughs.]
Xavi and I just had a little disagreement.
I thought marriage was between a man and a woman, not a man, a woman and Shakira.
Ah! I know what you said! Something about a pineapple? yo, I run this, I smash it like my bass real hard, boom-bastic speed race baby, I'm a lot faster Oh, thank you! [fans screaming.]
[gasps.]
What? Xavi.
Ugh, you said his name.
You're fired.
- [gasps.]
- I'm kidding.
Guys, come on.
Who cares? I do! Your divorce crushed me! You were so in love, then for it all to come crashing down, and so publicly! You don't know how hard that was on me.
Ana will be fine.
We're all gonna be fine.
You don't see me freaking out because they brought in another hot guy.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Wait a minute.
I need my formal mustache.
My character is shooting up a wedding today.
[hairspray hisses.]
Ana Sofia, my condolences.
The big guns bringing your ex on because you can't carry a show by yourself anymore.
So sad.
Mira why doesn't Isabela like Ana? Isabela used to be the leading lady, until the day Ana took her place.
She did not handle it well.
They can't -- do this! I am the -- star! You know what'd make Xavier really jealous? That hot, young stud that you've been seeing.
Oh, wait.
You're alone.
Hey, I know Isabela's crazy, but is she right? They put Xavi here 'cause I'm not enough? Of course you're enough.
The fans love you.
- Mimi! - Hmm, hmm? Tell Ana people love her.
Oh, sweetie, of course people love you.
I mean, the fact that anyone bought your Christmas album proves that.
Xavi is just here because some stupid network president is trying to make his mark.
You guys are right.
This is no big deal.
- Okay.
- I'm just gonna go about my day like he's not even here.
- Ooh! - Oh! You never look where you're going.
You were always so freaking quiet.
It was like living with a Prius.
All right, look, if we're gonna work together, - we need to be more civil.
- Okay.
Hey, how's the house we bought together - but I don't get to live in? - Great.
How's the boat I spent eight months redecorating until I realized our marriage was a sham? - Super.
- Awesome catching up.
So, this show is a well-oiled machine.
If you're gonna work here, you're gonna need to follow some rules.
First, always be on time.
Second, no cell phones on set.
I hate when people make mistakes 'cause they're texting a friend, "Oh, Ana's even prettier in person," or you know, whatever.
Shocker.
My bossy ex-wife has a lot of rules.
Well, it is "Las Leyes de Pasión.
" I'm Pasión.
And one more thing.
We don't do gum on the show.
I hate the sound.
I really didn't think that through.
You think Xavier's hotter than me? Gael, come on, not this again.
This is just like when we had that horse on set and you were worried it had better hair than you.
I'm over that.
I found out what shampoo he uses.
- Ow, ow, ow! - Sorry.
But if you had just worn the one I already had ready instead of making me work on this one last minute.
It doesn't matter.
Gael's gonna rip it off me in the next scene anyway.
He's on the phone! He's already breaking my rules! Excuse me.
No cell phones on set.
He's ignoring me? Doesn't he know who's on the post-- - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Ay, Dios mio.
So it begins.
[sighs.]
Okay, okay, here I go.
Okay, I'm doing morning announcements, even if some people aren't ready.
I gotta go.
Don't forget to sign the get well card for Paco's mom.
It's Paulo.
Okay, we're gonna need a new card.
And Rodrigo is still looking for volunteers to sing a capella at the animal hospital.
We're just short two altos.
All right, everybody, let's have a great day! [applause.]
I'd like to make an announcement too.
I just, uh-- I want to thank you all for having me here.
all: Aw! [applause.]
Okay, all right.
Yeah, one more announcement.
Today's going to be amazing, so let's just all be focused and professional.
- Yep, professional.
- Like no phone calls.
You're right.
You're right, but that call was to my buddy Dwyane Wade.
I got you all Heat tickets, baby! [cheers and applause.]
Okay, hey! Hey, hey, wait, wait! You know, what we want more than basketball tickets is a little respect, huh? Yeah.
- [all murmuring.]
- Do we get a choice? I'd rather have basketball tickets.
What? No? Hey, get back here! What was that? Do you know what I love about not being married to you anymore? I mean, besides not having my eyebrows plucked when I'm sleeping? I love that I don't have to listen to you anymore.
You know, you just do whatever you want, huh? First it's a phone call, then it's skipping rehearsal, then it's you cheating on me with Shakira.
Aha! And there it is, for the millionth time.
I never slept with Shakira.
- You're a liar.
- And you're ridiculous.
Oh, you know our boat? The one you decorated? I threw out all the throw pillows.
[gasps.]
Get off my show! - Make me.
- Oh! Wait, wait! Where are you going? That dress is just pinned on! We have a problem here.
I-- I'll call you back.
- Ana Sofia.
- Oh.
You're the new network president? Not what I was expecting.
- Little whiter.
- Little bit.
You know what? We'll just keep it caszh.
- Stick to English.
- Absolutely.
- Please, have a seat.
- Okay.
Listen, Mr.
McMa-- aah! Oh.
- Mr.
McMann-- - James.
Xavier joined the show.
I should've been told.
Xavier-- Xavier was a last minute ratings decision because people are dying to see you two back together.
Still, you should have been informed.
I paid a lot of lawyers-- aah! A lot of money to make sure I never have to see Xavi again, and now you want me to make love to him on camera? I mean, I have six International Emmys, but even I can't act that well.
- [chuckles.]
- Ana, you are incredibly valuable to this network.
- I will take care of it.
- Well, the sooner the better.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
You just need to-- It's more of a-- [chuckles.]
You know, I'll get that.
- [chuckles.]
- Thank you.
she got a body like an hourglass but I can give it to you all the time bang bang into the room I know you want it Oh! Look, it's Xavi! Xavi! [fans screaming.]
Hey, everybody.
[fans screaming.]
Are you two excited to be working together again? - Oh, yes.
- Absolutely! - Love it! - Yes.
- Go to hell.
- I'm already there.
let me take you there wait a minute till ya aw hey [grunts.]
Are you gonna eat that? You know, stress eating isn't gonna fix anything.
Give it back, you and your stupid v-neck.
Well, that's really hurtful.
New scripts today.
Big changes.
[laughs.]
Oh.
You might want to take a look.
- What did you do? - Nothing.
I just told the network president I'd rather French kiss Isabela than do a love scene with you.
- Ana! - What? Page 22.
It's too much Spanish.
I can't read that fast.
What does it say? Mom! Isn't this exciting? I mean, you've always been like a mother to me, and now you really are! You got your wish.
You're not playing my love interest anymore.
You're playing my love interest's mom.
Ay, yay! - What is happening? - I don't know.
I guess they'll have to change the poster again.
Okay, wait, um I'll be right back.
I'm gonna-- oh! Okay.
I'm just gonna-- oh! Okay, Mimi.
Take off my turtleneck.
Hurry up! You don't have a turtle-- - There's no-- - Okay! That's okay! That's okay! I gotta go outside.
I'm gonna go outside.
Oh, okay! Oh.
Mom? Mom! I can't play a mom! Damn it, Xavi, you were supposed to be Enrique Iglesias! This is "Las Leyes de Pasión!" And I'm -- Pasión! [screams.]
Oh.
[cameras clicking.]
Hey, guys.
[laughs.]
Oh, -- Suelta La Sopa! Suelta La Sopa, ya! Drama on the set of "Las Leyes de Pasión!" Ana Sofia Calderon-- has this beauty gone mad? Oh, what did I do? This is just like Isabela's breakdown.
This is nothing like Isabela.
Exactly like Isabela Santamaria ten years earlier, she went totally berserk, and there's definitely something in the water at VivaVision.
[both screaming.]
Okay, so you had a bad moment.
This is all Xavi's fault.
You know he still won't admit he cheated on me? And I'm here suffering while he's off partying on his dumb boat, a boat he doesn't deserve.
Sorry, Ana.
You know what I need? I need to steal that boat.
Come on, you're coming with me.
Hey, hey, hey, whoa.
Ana, you're asking me, in front of my children, to steal somebody's private property.
What if we get arrested? What if we go to jail? - I'll get you a babysitter.
- I'm already in the car.
it's going down for real Okay, all right.
Oh, my God, you look so cute in your burglar outfit.
- No, you look so cute.
- Come here, come here.
Burglar selfie! both: Hey! - All right, ready? - All right.
- One, two, three! - [groans.]
- [groaning.]
Ah! - Oh.
Oh.
Here we go! And we're going.
And we're going.
[grunts.]
it's going down for real [grunts.]
Oh, this is so heavy.
You gotta fire your trainer.
Oh, my God, you never liked Eric-- Aah! - [grunts.]
Ah! Ah! [gasps.]
Xavi! So this is how I'm gonna die.
What? No, I'm not gonna hurt you.
But you don't deserve this boat! Or any of this! [grunts.]
Why is everything so far away? Got it.
- Oof! - Ow.
[metal clangs.]
Don't look at me! I'm a monster! - I'm here to help you out.
- Don't.
I'll just say more terrible things.
No, you won't.
Nobody wants to go to your a capella show.
- Okay.
- I never read your novels.
- None of them? - Your dressing room smells like cat pee.
I'm not letting go! Your Chris Rock impression sucks! You don't mean that.
You don't mean that.
No, it's pretty good.
It's pretty good.
Conner, tell the babysitter where you put her insulin.
Look, I know what this looks like, but I-- Wow, I got nothing.
This is crazy.
I'm crazy.
I've been blaming you for everything wrong in my life, and clearly it's my fault.
Come on, I know you're dying to say something.
I'm sorry.
Come again? I said I'm sorry, Ana.
I never slept with Shakira, but I did sleep with her cousin, and you were right, I cheated on you.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Not the reaction I was expecting.
I'm not crazy! I knew you cheated.
I just couldn't prove it.
But now it is official.
You cheated on me! [laughs.]
Oh, my God.
- You cheated on me.
- My bad.
Well, why did you wait three years to tell me? Maybe we could've fixed it.
I know.
And if it's any consolation, Ana, I really loved you.
I loved you too.
You know, it might've been fun to play love interests again.
Oh, yeah, well, that'll never happen.
Now that my breakdown went viral, no one will ever see me as a leading lady.
It's too bad the cameras aren't here now to see us having this nice moment.
Well, they're never here when you need them.
The paparazzi's here.
Even the blind guy.
He takes the best pictures.
You know what? I'm just gonna say it.
I don't think he's blind.
Okay.
Let's give the people what they want.
[Daddy Yankee's "Limbo".]
you know [paparazzi yelling indistinctly.]
masivo - Xavi! Ana! - Xavi! around the world Okay.
Remember, this means nothing.
- Right, nothing.
- Yeah.
Brilliant, Ana.
No one is talking about your breakdown anymore.
All people are talking about is Ana and Xavi, Ana and Xavi-- Ricky Martin's pantry makeover? What? Oh, those are nice shelves.
[applause.]
Congrats, Ana.
I'm so glad you're our leading lady again.
And to quote Oscar Wilde, "It's the name--" Oh, thank you, sweetie, thank you.
Oh, hey, Roxie.
I'm sorry you're no longer the lead.
Are you kidding? I had too many lines as the lead.
I have enough trouble remembering to wear underwear.
Oops! [screaming.]
No! Hmm, guess Isabela just found out.
Here.
They're from James.
I read the card.
"I had to give the people what they want, and what they want is you.
" Aww! "See you soon, guapa.
" "Guapa"? What's "Guapa"? "Guapa.
" Beautiful.
Somebody has a crush on you.
He's not the only one.
This kiss looked real to me.
Oh, you guys.
Look, I don't love that Xavi cheated, but once he finally admitted it, I felt like we could move past it.
I mean, come on, Xavi is the hottest guy I know.
I mean, those eyes? Hey, hey, hey, hey! They need you on set.
uh huh, you see me in the spotlight ooh, I love your style uh huh, show me what you got 'cause I don't wanna waste my time give it to me, I'm worth it baby, I'm worth it Uh huh, I'm worth it Great job on the script! When Pasión finds out her real father-- No spoilers, no spoilers, no spoilers.
- But you wrote it.
- La, la, la, la, la.
baby, I'm worth it - Uh.
- [hisses.]
give it to me I'm worth it [mutters.]
I don't understand.
Oh, thank you.
- Paulo? - Yeah.
Yes! Wait, wait, wait! [chuckles.]
Girl, that must have been one hell of a kiss.
[sighs.]
It kind of was! I don't know, maybe deep down inside I knew there was still something between us.
Tell me that is a sister I've never seen, met, or heard about.
That is not a sister.
Places! [scoffs.]
Action! [Latin guitar music.]
[dramatic music.]
[Latin guitar music.]
I'm okay, I just caught my shoe.
Ooh! Yup.
Okay, that one hurt.
might get silly got me singing his song Hey.
- You're late.
- Miami traffic.
You live two minutes away.
Fine, I overslept.
ain't it funny how I'm losing my mind - We were going to rehearse! - Oh, it's the usual! "I love you.
" "I hate you!" Mwah, mwah, mwah.
You're on in 30 seconds.
Okay.
How do I look? Everything's crooked.
Okay, here we go.
Places! And action! Pasión! More wind.
Pasión [laughs.]
No! Oh! [dramatic music.]
[sobbing.]
Cut! Ugh.
Great job, everybody.
- Coffee.
- Hair.
Wow, he burns down the barn? I did not see that coming.
Isaac, you wrote it.
How drunk were you last night? Eh, pretty drunk.
Girl, you know I am your number one fan, but nobody faints like that.
Mimi, stuff like that faint got me on the cover of "Cosmo en Español" ten times.
- Hugo! - God.
- Hugo! - Oh.
- Got him.
- [cat meows.]
There you are, sugar butt.
Thanks, Ana.
Why is the lady from the network here? Is someone getting fired? Job security.
I think I know why.
We're getting a new cast member.
[gasps.]
Oh, my God! You guys, I think it's Enrique Iglesias.
I've been asking the network to let us work together.
I love Enrique.
He's who I think about during our sex scenes.
Oh, my God, me too! Ana, great scene.
Great faint.
Oh, thanks, Stacey.
What's going on, are we getting a new cast member? We are.
He's here.
And he is an old friend of yours.
[squeals happily.]
Enrique! both: Xavi.
Hello, Ana Sofia.
Ahh.
Now that was a faint.
[dramatic Latin music.]
[hip-hop music.]
we live in Miami we live in Miami [sighs.]
They hired Xavier.
How could they hire my ex-husband to be on my show? Sorry, our show.
It takes a village.
No small parts, blah, blah, blah.
We're friends, you don't need to censor yourself.
Plus, Raul in Accounting showed me what everyone makes.
This is your show.
Look, there's a new network president.
I bet he hired Xavi to shake things up, and you and Xavi were the world's most famous Latino couple.
I mean, my cousin Jeff heard of you.
both: White Jeff.
Gael, aren't you upset about this? Now you have another hot guy to compete with.
Well, now I am.
I'm not gonna let this get to me.
I've worked with Xavi plenty of times before.
And our divorce wasn't that bad.
[screaming and crying.]
all by myself Hey, hey, I know you're talking about me.
When are you gonna learn Spanish? I'm fluent enough.
It's just when you talk really fast, I have no idea what you're saying.
[speaks quickly.]
I mean, the reverse is true.
When I talk really fast in English, do you have any idea what I'm saying? - Every word.
- Yes.
Okay, look, the point is I've moved on.
I'm not bitter.
[laughs.]
Xavi and I just had a little disagreement.
I thought marriage was between a man and a woman, not a man, a woman and Shakira.
Ah! I know what you said! Something about a pineapple? yo, I run this, I smash it like my bass real hard, boom-bastic speed race baby, I'm a lot faster Oh, thank you! [fans screaming.]
[gasps.]
What? Xavi.
Ugh, you said his name.
You're fired.
- [gasps.]
- I'm kidding.
Guys, come on.
Who cares? I do! Your divorce crushed me! You were so in love, then for it all to come crashing down, and so publicly! You don't know how hard that was on me.
Ana will be fine.
We're all gonna be fine.
You don't see me freaking out because they brought in another hot guy.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Wait a minute.
I need my formal mustache.
My character is shooting up a wedding today.
[hairspray hisses.]
Ana Sofia, my condolences.
The big guns bringing your ex on because you can't carry a show by yourself anymore.
So sad.
Mira why doesn't Isabela like Ana? Isabela used to be the leading lady, until the day Ana took her place.
She did not handle it well.
They can't -- do this! I am the -- star! You know what'd make Xavier really jealous? That hot, young stud that you've been seeing.
Oh, wait.
You're alone.
Hey, I know Isabela's crazy, but is she right? They put Xavi here 'cause I'm not enough? Of course you're enough.
The fans love you.
- Mimi! - Hmm, hmm? Tell Ana people love her.
Oh, sweetie, of course people love you.
I mean, the fact that anyone bought your Christmas album proves that.
Xavi is just here because some stupid network president is trying to make his mark.
You guys are right.
This is no big deal.
- Okay.
- I'm just gonna go about my day like he's not even here.
- Ooh! - Oh! You never look where you're going.
You were always so freaking quiet.
It was like living with a Prius.
All right, look, if we're gonna work together, - we need to be more civil.
- Okay.
Hey, how's the house we bought together - but I don't get to live in? - Great.
How's the boat I spent eight months redecorating until I realized our marriage was a sham? - Super.
- Awesome catching up.
So, this show is a well-oiled machine.
If you're gonna work here, you're gonna need to follow some rules.
First, always be on time.
Second, no cell phones on set.
I hate when people make mistakes 'cause they're texting a friend, "Oh, Ana's even prettier in person," or you know, whatever.
Shocker.
My bossy ex-wife has a lot of rules.
Well, it is "Las Leyes de Pasión.
" I'm Pasión.
And one more thing.
We don't do gum on the show.
I hate the sound.
I really didn't think that through.
You think Xavier's hotter than me? Gael, come on, not this again.
This is just like when we had that horse on set and you were worried it had better hair than you.
I'm over that.
I found out what shampoo he uses.
- Ow, ow, ow! - Sorry.
But if you had just worn the one I already had ready instead of making me work on this one last minute.
It doesn't matter.
Gael's gonna rip it off me in the next scene anyway.
He's on the phone! He's already breaking my rules! Excuse me.
No cell phones on set.
He's ignoring me? Doesn't he know who's on the post-- - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Ay, Dios mio.
So it begins.
[sighs.]
Okay, okay, here I go.
Okay, I'm doing morning announcements, even if some people aren't ready.
I gotta go.
Don't forget to sign the get well card for Paco's mom.
It's Paulo.
Okay, we're gonna need a new card.
And Rodrigo is still looking for volunteers to sing a capella at the animal hospital.
We're just short two altos.
All right, everybody, let's have a great day! [applause.]
I'd like to make an announcement too.
I just, uh-- I want to thank you all for having me here.
all: Aw! [applause.]
Okay, all right.
Yeah, one more announcement.
Today's going to be amazing, so let's just all be focused and professional.
- Yep, professional.
- Like no phone calls.
You're right.
You're right, but that call was to my buddy Dwyane Wade.
I got you all Heat tickets, baby! [cheers and applause.]
Okay, hey! Hey, hey, wait, wait! You know, what we want more than basketball tickets is a little respect, huh? Yeah.
- [all murmuring.]
- Do we get a choice? I'd rather have basketball tickets.
What? No? Hey, get back here! What was that? Do you know what I love about not being married to you anymore? I mean, besides not having my eyebrows plucked when I'm sleeping? I love that I don't have to listen to you anymore.
You know, you just do whatever you want, huh? First it's a phone call, then it's skipping rehearsal, then it's you cheating on me with Shakira.
Aha! And there it is, for the millionth time.
I never slept with Shakira.
- You're a liar.
- And you're ridiculous.
Oh, you know our boat? The one you decorated? I threw out all the throw pillows.
[gasps.]
Get off my show! - Make me.
- Oh! Wait, wait! Where are you going? That dress is just pinned on! We have a problem here.
I-- I'll call you back.
- Ana Sofia.
- Oh.
You're the new network president? Not what I was expecting.
- Little whiter.
- Little bit.
You know what? We'll just keep it caszh.
- Stick to English.
- Absolutely.
- Please, have a seat.
- Okay.
Listen, Mr.
McMa-- aah! Oh.
- Mr.
McMann-- - James.
Xavier joined the show.
I should've been told.
Xavier-- Xavier was a last minute ratings decision because people are dying to see you two back together.
Still, you should have been informed.
I paid a lot of lawyers-- aah! A lot of money to make sure I never have to see Xavi again, and now you want me to make love to him on camera? I mean, I have six International Emmys, but even I can't act that well.
- [chuckles.]
- Ana, you are incredibly valuable to this network.
- I will take care of it.
- Well, the sooner the better.
- Of course.
- Yeah.
You just need to-- It's more of a-- [chuckles.]
You know, I'll get that.
- [chuckles.]
- Thank you.
she got a body like an hourglass but I can give it to you all the time bang bang into the room I know you want it Oh! Look, it's Xavi! Xavi! [fans screaming.]
Hey, everybody.
[fans screaming.]
Are you two excited to be working together again? - Oh, yes.
- Absolutely! - Love it! - Yes.
- Go to hell.
- I'm already there.
let me take you there wait a minute till ya aw hey [grunts.]
Are you gonna eat that? You know, stress eating isn't gonna fix anything.
Give it back, you and your stupid v-neck.
Well, that's really hurtful.
New scripts today.
Big changes.
[laughs.]
Oh.
You might want to take a look.
- What did you do? - Nothing.
I just told the network president I'd rather French kiss Isabela than do a love scene with you.
- Ana! - What? Page 22.
It's too much Spanish.
I can't read that fast.
What does it say? Mom! Isn't this exciting? I mean, you've always been like a mother to me, and now you really are! You got your wish.
You're not playing my love interest anymore.
You're playing my love interest's mom.
Ay, yay! - What is happening? - I don't know.
I guess they'll have to change the poster again.
Okay, wait, um I'll be right back.
I'm gonna-- oh! Okay.
I'm just gonna-- oh! Okay, Mimi.
Take off my turtleneck.
Hurry up! You don't have a turtle-- - There's no-- - Okay! That's okay! That's okay! I gotta go outside.
I'm gonna go outside.
Oh, okay! Oh.
Mom? Mom! I can't play a mom! Damn it, Xavi, you were supposed to be Enrique Iglesias! This is "Las Leyes de Pasión!" And I'm -- Pasión! [screams.]
Oh.
[cameras clicking.]
Hey, guys.
[laughs.]
Oh, -- Suelta La Sopa! Suelta La Sopa, ya! Drama on the set of "Las Leyes de Pasión!" Ana Sofia Calderon-- has this beauty gone mad? Oh, what did I do? This is just like Isabela's breakdown.
This is nothing like Isabela.
Exactly like Isabela Santamaria ten years earlier, she went totally berserk, and there's definitely something in the water at VivaVision.
[both screaming.]
Okay, so you had a bad moment.
This is all Xavi's fault.
You know he still won't admit he cheated on me? And I'm here suffering while he's off partying on his dumb boat, a boat he doesn't deserve.
Sorry, Ana.
You know what I need? I need to steal that boat.
Come on, you're coming with me.
Hey, hey, hey, whoa.
Ana, you're asking me, in front of my children, to steal somebody's private property.
What if we get arrested? What if we go to jail? - I'll get you a babysitter.
- I'm already in the car.
it's going down for real Okay, all right.
Oh, my God, you look so cute in your burglar outfit.
- No, you look so cute.
- Come here, come here.
Burglar selfie! both: Hey! - All right, ready? - All right.
- One, two, three! - [groans.]
- [groaning.]
Ah! - Oh.
Oh.
Here we go! And we're going.
And we're going.
[grunts.]
it's going down for real [grunts.]
Oh, this is so heavy.
You gotta fire your trainer.
Oh, my God, you never liked Eric-- Aah! - [grunts.]
Ah! Ah! [gasps.]
Xavi! So this is how I'm gonna die.
What? No, I'm not gonna hurt you.
But you don't deserve this boat! Or any of this! [grunts.]
Why is everything so far away? Got it.
- Oof! - Ow.
[metal clangs.]
Don't look at me! I'm a monster! - I'm here to help you out.
- Don't.
I'll just say more terrible things.
No, you won't.
Nobody wants to go to your a capella show.
- Okay.
- I never read your novels.
- None of them? - Your dressing room smells like cat pee.
I'm not letting go! Your Chris Rock impression sucks! You don't mean that.
You don't mean that.
No, it's pretty good.
It's pretty good.
Conner, tell the babysitter where you put her insulin.
Look, I know what this looks like, but I-- Wow, I got nothing.
This is crazy.
I'm crazy.
I've been blaming you for everything wrong in my life, and clearly it's my fault.
Come on, I know you're dying to say something.
I'm sorry.
Come again? I said I'm sorry, Ana.
I never slept with Shakira, but I did sleep with her cousin, and you were right, I cheated on you.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Not the reaction I was expecting.
I'm not crazy! I knew you cheated.
I just couldn't prove it.
But now it is official.
You cheated on me! [laughs.]
Oh, my God.
- You cheated on me.
- My bad.
Well, why did you wait three years to tell me? Maybe we could've fixed it.
I know.
And if it's any consolation, Ana, I really loved you.
I loved you too.
You know, it might've been fun to play love interests again.
Oh, yeah, well, that'll never happen.
Now that my breakdown went viral, no one will ever see me as a leading lady.
It's too bad the cameras aren't here now to see us having this nice moment.
Well, they're never here when you need them.
The paparazzi's here.
Even the blind guy.
He takes the best pictures.
You know what? I'm just gonna say it.
I don't think he's blind.
Okay.
Let's give the people what they want.
[Daddy Yankee's "Limbo".]
you know [paparazzi yelling indistinctly.]
masivo - Xavi! Ana! - Xavi! around the world Okay.
Remember, this means nothing.
- Right, nothing.
- Yeah.
Brilliant, Ana.
No one is talking about your breakdown anymore.
All people are talking about is Ana and Xavi, Ana and Xavi-- Ricky Martin's pantry makeover? What? Oh, those are nice shelves.
[applause.]
Congrats, Ana.
I'm so glad you're our leading lady again.
And to quote Oscar Wilde, "It's the name--" Oh, thank you, sweetie, thank you.
Oh, hey, Roxie.
I'm sorry you're no longer the lead.
Are you kidding? I had too many lines as the lead.
I have enough trouble remembering to wear underwear.
Oops! [screaming.]
No! Hmm, guess Isabela just found out.
Here.
They're from James.
I read the card.
"I had to give the people what they want, and what they want is you.
" Aww! "See you soon, guapa.
" "Guapa"? What's "Guapa"? "Guapa.
" Beautiful.
Somebody has a crush on you.
He's not the only one.
This kiss looked real to me.
Oh, you guys.
Look, I don't love that Xavi cheated, but once he finally admitted it, I felt like we could move past it.
I mean, come on, Xavi is the hottest guy I know.
I mean, those eyes? Hey, hey, hey, hey! They need you on set.
uh huh, you see me in the spotlight ooh, I love your style uh huh, show me what you got 'cause I don't wanna waste my time give it to me, I'm worth it baby, I'm worth it Uh huh, I'm worth it Great job on the script! When Pasión finds out her real father-- No spoilers, no spoilers, no spoilers.
- But you wrote it.
- La, la, la, la, la.
baby, I'm worth it - Uh.
- [hisses.]
give it to me I'm worth it [mutters.]
I don't understand.
Oh, thank you.
- Paulo? - Yeah.
Yes! Wait, wait, wait! [chuckles.]
Girl, that must have been one hell of a kiss.
[sighs.]
It kind of was! I don't know, maybe deep down inside I knew there was still something between us.
Tell me that is a sister I've never seen, met, or heard about.
That is not a sister.
Places! [scoffs.]
Action! [Latin guitar music.]
[dramatic music.]
[Latin guitar music.]