That Damn Michael Che (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1
every time I see
a white person, they're like,
"Black Lives Matter.
Black Lives Matter."
They're so excited to tell me.
It's very strange.
Like, I don't know
how to respond,
I'm like, "And
a Black Lives Matter to you."
[stammers]
[elevator dings]
[button dings]
- I just wanna say,
I'm sorry.
- It's cool.
I can barely smell it.
- Well--oh, no, not that.
I mean, I'm sorry
for everything
going on in the country.
[dramatic music]
With the police shootings
and all the injustices
and for white privilege.
♪
- This thing even move yet?
- I'm an ally, obviously.
So I'm not trying to be weird.
- I think it's supposed
to light up if it's moving.
- You're probably thinking,
like,
"Why is this white bitch
talking to me?"
- Now the door's not opening.
- Actually,
my nephew is half Black.
♪
- Fuck.
[spacey guitar music building]
♪
[pensive bass line]
- No matter
how hard you try ♪
You can't stop me now ♪
[peppy music]
- Hi.
My name is Sarge Sean Terry.
And as you know,
the police have been getting
a pretty bad rap lately.
[cheesy hip-hop beats]
- Somebody say rap music?
- No, no, not that kind
of bad rap, Officer McElroy,
I'm talking about
our reputation
for shooting
unarmed Black people.
- Let's face it.
Policing is a scary job,
and mistakes will happen.
- But here are a few
and quick easy things
that you can do
to not get shot by us.
[siren wails,
kids chatter]
[hip-hop beats]
- Please don't stop ♪
- All right, step one,
just comply, man.
It's really that simple.
- If we ask you for your name,
please don't make one up
or give us your buddy's name
or say it's "Deez Nuts."
- And look, if we ask you
where you're going,
just tell us the truth.
Don't say you're going
to bang my wife.
That thing can lead
to an argument fast.
- Our job is hard enough.
Please don't
do something dumb
like trying to run away
from us.
We don't get paid to run.
- And look, if we gotta choose
between chasing you down
or shooting you in the back,
nine times out of ten,
we're gonna shoot y--
- What are you doing?
♪
- Please don't stop ♪
- Tip number two,
always keep your hands
where we can see them.
- Now, this is very important
because, if it's really dark
- Or you're really dark
- Something like this
basketball can look like a
gun.
- I can't tell you how many
times I've seen a gun
when it was something else.
But like we teach
in the academy,
if it looks like a gun,
it's a gun.
So in order to avoid
any mistakes,
you wanna make sure
to keep both hands up high.
Okay?
Light side out like that.
- Now with the other hand,
show us some identification.
- Up.
Up.
- Hey!
Keep them hands up!
♪
- Please don't stop ♪
- And the third part is key.
It's most important.
Can you just try to be nice?
We know getting pulled over
by the police
can be a real pain in the neck.
- Literally.
And look, we gotta deal
with some pretty awful people
in some of the worst, shittiest
neighborhoods you've ever seen.
I mean, look around.
- We don't have to tell you.
You live here.
But can't you just throw us
a compliment
every once in a while
instead of asking us
if we're sucking each other
off
in the car
or if we're jacking
each other off in the car.
- Yeah, we're not doing that,
okay?
And how about a little respect?
Don't ask us about our salary.
You already know
that you Googled it.
- Would it kill you
to just be polite?
- It might kill you to not.
- Dude, I don't understand.
♪
- Please don't stop ♪
- Come here, buddy.
You don't have anything
that'll stick me, right?
- No.
- Police are not the bad guys.
- The bad guys
are the bad guys.
We're the good guys.
- So help us keep our community
safe from your community.
- Hey, ten bucks says
you can't make that shot
again.
- Ooh.
- That's ten bucks.
- Ten bucks.
[chatter]
- There's nothing worse
than a dancing cop only because
if that cop does
happen to kill me later,
I got killed
by the dancing cop.
[laughter]
That's fucking humiliating.
[dramatic percussion]
- Hey, remember being a kid
and thinking
all cops are heroes?
- No.
- Right.
I guess, as a person of color,
you wouldn't,
and that's the problem.
- Look, cops are just
niggas with jobs, okay?
Some are good at it.
Some are bad at it.
- Okay, but some jobs
are too important
for people to just
be bad at it.
I mean, I think it's fair
to expect cops to be heroes.
- Heroes have superpowers
and dope names and capes.
Cops get a gun and, like,
55 grand a year.
Mistakes will happen.
- What?
These are not just mistakes,
okay?
Innocent people
are being killed--
- So this alarm
just goes nowhere, right?
I mean, nobody can hear it.
I can hear it.
[alarm ringing]
- I think somebody is stuck
in the elevator.
- Yo, that ain't my problem.
I'm on my lunch break
and my food ain't get here
yet.
- So you not gonna help?
- Are they dying?
- What?
- If they're really stuck,
they'll still be there
after my food gets here
and I eat it and I digest it.
- All this nigga do
is talk on his phone.
- That's right.
[alarm continues ringing]
[exciting music]
- We owe a great debt
of gratitude
to these heroes for saving
our city from chaos.
- Thank you, Mayor.
It is ouragh!
- What's wrong?
- I sense trouble coming.
- Stop this madness.
- We demand justice.
- Oh, fuck me.
- What's going on?
These heroes
just saved our city.
- But in the process,
one of them killed
an unarmed brother.
- He zapped him with
that eye-ray thing.
- It was an accident.
- Don't apologize.
Homeboy should have complied.
- Carnivore, don't.
- Look, what happened
to Kareem Man is unfortunate.
- Stop calling him Kareem Man.
- Yeah, it's just Kareem, man.
- That's what I just said.
- [groans]
[people gasp]
- More trouble?
- It seems we're being flamed
on Black Twitter.
[people gasp]
- All right.
How about
you people get out of here?
- "You people"?
- Okay, you know
that's not what he meant.
- Like hell I didn't.
- We ain't afraid
of you mutant crackers.
♪
- We got Black power.
- Yeah, we got Black power.
- Shaun, no!
- [groans]
- What are you doing?
- He had a weapon.
- Just because a Black man
is holding a weapon,
it doesn't make him a threat.
- But he was white.
- No, he wasn't.
- Well, I
- Everybody just calm down.
- Katrina,
say something to them.
- Why do I always
have to do it?
- You know why.
- Carnivore!
- America is taking action.
- Our people, united!
- And we at Fitbit are proud
to stand with you in
your fight.
- Will never be defeated!
- Introducing
our new Fitbit Protest,
the only wristband designed
to help take your activism
to the next level.
Now you can track
your heart rate
as well as your contributions
to social change.
♪
[Fitbit pings]
The new Fitbit Protest counts
all of your steps,
giving you the motivation
you need
to hit all
of your marching goals,
wherever you are.
- Next stop, Selma.
- Outwalk all of your heroes.
- We just marched further
than MLK.
- Yeah!
- And with the new ally mode,
your Fitbit Protest
will send you an alert
whenever it's time
to apologize
to a marginalized group.
- I just wanna let you know
I'm sorry
for everything going on.
- Thank you.
I feel seen.
- No matter
what side you're on,
it feels like
you're losing ground.
That's why the new
Fitbit Protest comes in white,
black, and Confederate flag.
- The government cannot force
you to wear a mask!
[Fitbits pinging]
- Make the most
out of every protest
so that you can save
what matters most,
whether it's Black lives
or all lives.
[exciting music]
- Watching conservatives riot,
for Black people,
is kind of like watching
your big brothers
play the video game.
You're like,
"Oh, that's what you do?
You go
to the fucking capitol?"
We was just trying
to get watches and shit.
These motherfuckers was trying
to steal the Constitution.
It's amazing.
[chatter]
- Foul! Foul!
[cheers and applause]
- Hey, what are you doing, bro?
- No. Double or nothing, bro.
- Give me my ball back.
- Double or nothing.
- Give me my ball.
- If you give me the chance
to win the money back,
I'll give you the ball.
- Man, I'm gonna tell
my mother what you called me.
- You called me that first.
I can say it if you can say it.
Get your mother. I don't care.
- Give my brother
his ball back.
- What? Who is this kid?
- You want your ball back?
You want your ball back?
I'll give you your ball back.
- Now he's getting
- Yo, what are you doing?
- Yo!
- There you go.
[gunshot, group shouts]
- What the
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Yo!
- What the fuck?
- Get your ball back.
- It's not a ball now.
It looks like a moccasin.
- [sighs]
- I just don't get
how you can be so flippant
about all this.
- Look, white lady
- Jan.
- I'm mad too, but my mad
is over the span of a
lifetime.
Your mad is, like,
the last four years.
- I guess.
- You're like
the new inmate in jail,
and you're complaining
about how everything is.
But I'm that old, wise inmate
that's just been raped
over and over again, you know?
To the point
that I'm used to it.
You get what I'm trying to say?
- Well,
that's a lot less clear but
- What is that?
What does that mean?
- What? ACAB?
- Yeah. What is that?
Like, a sorority or something?
- No.
That stands for
"all cops are bastards."
- Bastards?
- Yeah.
- [chuckles]
My brother's a cop.
- [scoffs]
Oh, really?
- Yeah.
He knows his father, though.
Sort of.
- Wait,
so how does that happen?
- How does what happen?
- Like, a person of color--
- Hey, could you stop calling
us "colored people"?
- No, I said "person of color."
- It's the same thing, man.
We picked the color.
It's Black.
Just call us Black.
- Okay. Fine.
Well, how does--how does
a Black man become a cop?
- You never seen
a Black cop before?
- Yeah, of course, I have.
I just--
I don't understand
why a Black man
would choose to have that job.
- I don't know.
Why would a Black man choose
to be a security guard
or any other job?
It's a job.
He needed a job.
There's not that
many options where we from.
- I can't hold it much longer.
[whooshing]
- Everybody, out!
- Ooh!
- We are the Policemen!
- Michael!
- What?
- Don't you "what" me, boy.
Get in here
and finish cleaning this room!
Room is such a mess.
Don't make no sense.
Ugh.
[ominous music]
♪
- Hey, Ma, I'm sorry I'm late.
Michelle's mom was cooking.
So
- What's this?
- You went in my room?
- First of all,
you don't have a room.
This my house.
And second,
what are you doing with a gun?
- Ma, I'm holding that
for someone.
- Oh, and are you
holding this for him too?
- Ma, it's--that's--
it's just
- Don't lie to me, Robert!
[stirring music]
- All right.
♪
I took the police test
a while back
and they gave me the job.
♪
- You're a damn cop?
- Ma, it's not what you think.
- What in the
what happened to the job
that your uncle got for you
down at that chop shop?
- I quit. It was illegal.
- But it was honest,
and at least you wasn't
gonna get killed.
- Look,
you always worrying about me.
I am a man now.
I can handle myself.
- Okay, so frisking innocent
people,
that makes you a big man?
- Well,
not everybody's innocent.
Some people
are breaking the law.
- Yeah, I breaks the law.
Are you gonna arrest me?
- Ma.
- No, come on, Mr. Policeman.
You bad.
Come on.
Arrest your mama.
Yeah, 'cause I'm running cable
from the people upstairs.
- Ma.
- And I'm driving
without insurance.
- Ma, I can't handle this.
- Huh? Huh? Huh?
I'm cashing
your grandmother's SSI check
and she been dead a year.
That's fraud, Robert.
- Ma, stop.
- No, come on.
You and your little friends
might as well get
your little handcuffs
and take me to jail.
- Ma, you know
I wouldn't do that.
We take care of our own.
- [scoffs]
I should have seen the signs.
Look at you.
A Yankee's jacket
and wraparound sunglasses.
All that blue you wearing.
I was hoping
that you was a Crip.
And what kind of example
are you setting
for your brother, huh?
He watches everything you do.
- Look, Ma,
it's not as bad as you think.
- That's it!
You're coming to church with me
on Sunday.
- Ma, I can't.
I got overtime.
- I don't care.
You are going to talk
with Pastor James on Sunday,
and he gonna talk
some sense into you!
[hymn music]
- Praise the Lord.
[chuckles]
Well,
how are you doing, sister?
God bless y
He did what?
A cop?
Shoot.
No, I won't, sister.
You know I don't like
to mess with the police.
I just got off papers
on that domestic.
Uh, no.
Uh, no, no.
Sister, I gotta go.
And look here
[chuckling] Don't you call
this number no more, now,
you hear?
Praise the Lord.
Bye-bye, sister.
[phone beeps]
Oof.
Got me fucked up.
- Whenever you get
into real trouble,
your mother will call
some old dude to talk to you.
"What's wrong, young brother?"
You ever see a Black movie
that was like,
"What's wrong, young brother?"
Sometimes Smokey Robinson
will sing you a song,
tell you not to be in a gang.
- Preaching that hate ♪
Defying your mother ♪
Killing your brother ♪
Killing in waves ♪
- That's the reason
why these niggas is in gangs,
because Smokey Robinson
hadn't told them not to yet.
These motherfuckers don't
listen to Smokey Robinson.
Why couldn't you get Jodeci
to sing them a song?
What?
[knock on door]
- Just getting
the rest of my things, Ma.
- How you doing, son?
- What are you doing here?
- Your mama called me
and told me you're a pig now.
- Don't say that.
I'm an officer of the law.
- All right.
All right. Calm down.
Look at my palms.
I just wanna know
why you did it.
- Since when do you care
about what I do?
- Look, I know I ain't always
been there for you,
but you're a smart kid.
You got
your whole life ahead of you.
You can make twice
a cop's salary
and without
hurting your people.
- But I get benefits now.
- Benefits are for people
who go to the doctor, son,
not us.
- [huffs]
- See that?
Tell me what's really going
on,
man.
[stirring music]
- Michelle's pregnant.
- Okay, what trimester?
- Dad.
- I'm just saying,
if it's the first trimester--
- She's keeping the baby, Dad.
That's why I had
to become a cop--
to provide for her.
- [chuckles]
You sound just like me
when I was your age.
- You wanted to be a cop too?
- Fuck, no.
Nothing stupid like that.
Close.
I almost joined the army.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Your mom
had just gotten pregnant,
so I figured it'd be a good
time to go see the world.
I got all the way down
to the recruitment office,
and at the last second, man,
I just couldn't do it.
- Why not?
- Warrants.
Seven outstanding warrants.
They held me there,
told me I won a prize
until the cops came.
- Wow.
- [chuckles]
Yeah, to this day,
I still don't know
what that price was.
Look, man,
being a cop is very dangerous.
I know I can't tell you
what to do,
but why don't you sleep on it?
And tomorrow,
I'll drive you down there.
We'll see if we can get
this girl to have an abortion
so you don't have to be
a pig no more.
Deal?
- [sighs]
Mind's made up, Dad.
- Fine.
You got any of them cards
that get you out of tickets?
- Yeah, I think so.
- Let me get a couple of those.
♪
One, two.
That's my boy.
Appreciate you, son.
- Police!
Put your hands up now!
- I ain't got nothing.
- Stop resisting.
- Suck my dick!
- How about you suck mine,
you juvenile delinquent?
Get over here.
You don't got anything
that'll stick me, right?
[ambling beat]
- Patrolling the streets ♪
Walking the beat ♪
Shining those cuffs ♪
Lookin' all tough ♪
Policin',
policin' ♪
Flashin' your badge ♪
Driving real fast ♪
Writing out tickets ♪
Power's so addictive ♪
Policin' ♪
Policin' ♪
Arresting the blacks ♪
Twisting the facts ♪
Kneeling and choking ♪
Our caskets are closing ♪
Policin' ♪
Policin' ♪
Policin' ♪
Policin' ♪
- All right.
Let's get a move on.
Come on.
[metal groans]
- We're moving.
- Finally. Damn.
[chuckling]
- You know
oh, thank you.
Well, nice talking to you.
I'm going this way.
- Yeah, me too.
- Oh, you live on this floor?
- No.
I'm just going to the gym.
- Oh.
Me too.
I think you need
a fob to get in.
- Oh, yeah,
I got mine in my bag
I think I kept it
in the inside
[door beeps]
Inside pocket thing
in this bag
[mumbles]
Hey.
- I'm very sorry.
It was nice meeting you.
- Can you let me in? Hello?
Can you let me in?
[ambling beat]
♪
Hey.
Hey, man.
Can I use your fob?
Your fob. Hey!
Man, I know you hear me.
Hey, my brother's a cop!
[grumbling]
I'm gonna fuck you up, man.
I hate this building, I swear.
- No, I didn't do nothing,
man.
- Yes, you did.
You assaulted an officer
of the United States
of America.
- Nobody assaulted anybody.
Leave me alone, man.
Yo, stop chasing me.
- Come on.
- Stop chasing me.
Bro, what are you doing?
- You assaulted an officer.
- What is wrong with you, man?
♪
Stop chasing me, bro.
- Gonna come around your side
'cause I went to school!
♪