That's My Bush! (2001) s01e01 Episode Script

Look at you, Mrs.
Bush, you look like a hooker! - I do? - I mean, a high-class hooker.
Thanks, Maggie.
Good morning! There she is! How's my beautiful girl? - That's my baby - George! Hi, Laura.
Where'd you come from? Tell me you didn't vote for him.
George.
D'ya notice anything different about me? Well? - D'ya gain some weight? - George! Come on.
Don't you know the scariest thing a man can hear is: "Notice anything different about me?" I did my nails, my eyebrows, I took an eighth of an inch off my hair.
I wanted to look extra-pretty for our dinner tonight.
What dinner? The dinner I know about! That dinner.
Our dinner.
The one I pretended to forget about just now! Gotcha! I know you're busy being President, but it's important to me that we finally have some intimate time alone.
It's important to me too.
We're gonna have the best night since we came to D.
C.
! Thanks, you're the best.
Even if you are a clueless bastard sometimes.
One of these days, I'm gonna punch you in the face! He's the President in residence He's kind of in charge He's got the whole country saying: That's my Bush! Life is hard, that's the price of fame When you're President, everyone knows your name Hey, what's that thing? It's my Bush! I can't believe he's actually in the White House That's our man! That's my Bush! My fellow Americans.
This week, I plan to unite our country and bring both sides of the abortion issue together, in a historic summit.
Abortion is very serious.
Very personal issue.
And let me assure all of you that tonight you promised to have dinner with Laura! I mean, let me assure you that I'll do my best.
Good night.
Laura, stop putting reminder messages to me in the teleprompter! I don't want you to forget our dinner, and you don't have time to talk to me.
- I'm talking to you now.
- All right, fine.
- I was thinking - Mr.
President! I was reviewing your schedule in my Palm Pilot, and you only have ten minutes to save the Earth from the Zinthians.
That's not a Palm Pilot, Princess, that's a Game Boy.
Wait, then what's this? That's a cheeseburger.
Come on, let's have another review session.
Maggie.
You've worked in the White House for how many years? Since the Secret Service wore bell bottoms.
George is so busy being President, I feel like nobody pays attention to me! Pretty soon you'll start to feel like nobody pays attention to you.
Wha? I'm worried about my marriage.
You're having First-Lady Syndrome.
- Sure, they all go through it.
- What did other first ladies do? Easy.
When your husband is President, you can consider your marriage over.
Find a pet cause.
Hide your broken heart behind an agenda like "Say No To Drugs.
" "Helping burn victims or the homeless.
" I believe in my marriage! I'm gonna resist the urge to help the homeless burn victims and make my marriage work! Good for you! Look at that, Karl! An abortion cake, a fondue set.
This summit's gonna kick butt! What do you think? Honestly, I think the whole abortion dinner party idea is a little gay.
The heads of Pro Life and Pro Choice are both very strong personalities.
In a room together, it could be volatile.
That's what you said about the NFL and the XFL.
I united them! And what about the Heat Miser and the Snow Miser? Didn't you see how they finally found a way to get along? Yes, Mr.
President, I viewed the briefing tape you gave me.
Just imagine it.
Big, glossy color photo on the cover of every magazine.
Leader of Pro Life, Leader of Pro Choice.
They're shaking hands and I'm in the middle! The little fondue set off on the side.
We're Republicans, we don't like the Pro Choice people, remember? But I'm a uniter! Tomorrow night, I'm gonna make uniter history.
Tomorrow night? You had us schedule the summit for tonight.
I asked for tomorrow night! You said yesterday you wanted to schedule it for the day after tomorrow.
- That's right.
- But it's today now! - So it should be tomorrow! - Tomorrow keeps tricking me! I can't make the summit tonight.
I have a dinner with Laura.
Too late! The head of Pro Life, Felix Harris, is on his way, and from what understand, he's a freak! What kind of freak? Apparently, he was aborted 30 years ago, he managed to survive.
Now he is bitter, he is angry, and he hates to be canceled on.
Oh, boy.
Laura's gonna be mad.
I know.
Maybe I can trick her into moving the date.
I can trick her! Laura, honey.
You don't really wanna have dinner this evening, do you? Yes, George, I really really do.
Damn.
That didn't work.
He's trying to cancel your dinner.
Maggie, you stay out of this! Something political has come up.
Told you he'd say that, didn't I? It's just that being President is harder than you can possibly imagine.
I have to put the country ahead of our interests.
Will you stop that? Don't you have some laundry to do? You're right.
I've got to do like your father did and separate the whites from the coloreds.
At least he believed in something! You've canceled on me seventeen times.
Can't you cancel this one thing for me? It isn't that simple! You have no idea what is going on! This is the main room of the White House.
Here you can see the President and the First Lady having an argument about his commitment to their marriage.
Hi, kids.
Can we not do this right now? Let's move on to the next room.
Mr.
President doesn't like spending time with school children.
You said that even if you became President, your family would still come first.
All right, I'll keep my dinner date with you.
You will? Thank you.
It means a lot to me.
I am such a pussy! That's my Bush! We're gonna have to move the summit.
We can't.
The head of Pro Life is already here.
I'll have to tell him that we have to reschedule.
Hold on! Remember when I said he was aborted 30 years ago and he was a freak? I should have wiggled my fingers, trilled my r's and said "freak"! He never really developed.
He survived eating ants, mice, and - Oh, boy! - What do you mean? He's kind of like a midget? - Worse than a midget.
- Worse than a midget? All righty everyone, meet Mr.
Bush, the President.
Mr.
President, meet Mr.
Harris.
Mr.
President, it's a pleasure to meet you.
- I didn't quite catch that.
- The President welcomes you.
Fantastic, then.
Mr.
President? Where is he? He's right in front of you, Mr.
Harris.
I'm honored to attend your summit on behalf of those who have survived abortion.
How many of you are there? Just two.
Me and Cher.
We're very happy to have you here.
I wonder if I could ask one favor about the dinner? Name it! Can we push the dinner to tomorrow night? What? I crawled all the way over here and now you want to cancel? This dinner, it's supposed to be formal.
- So, if you could just see - No! I'm sorry, I can't see.
Because my eyes weren't developed and so they're sealed shut! Maybe we could get him a little suit at the teddy-bear store.
Laura, I need to talk to you right now! Not if it's about canceling our dinner! It wasn't about canceling our dinner, so there! OK, I'm sorry.
What do you wanna talk about? I want to talk to you about that show, the A-Team, they should never have taken it off the air! - That's interesting.
- And that's final! - I'm glad we had this talk.
- See you at dinner.
Hey, George, it's your favorite neighbor.
Say, George, there's some snew on your lawn.
- What's snew, Larry? - Nothing.
What's snew with you? I don't have time to talk to you right now.
Jeez.
What's up your ass? I don't know.
I have an abortion dinner and a dinner with Laura at the same time, and I can't push either one.
- Why don't you do both? - What you talking about, Larry? This place is huge! Just set up a dinner for Laura in one room, and have the abortion dinner in the dining room.
She'll never know! - That's a great idea! - No, didn't work for Nixon.
All I gotta do is get a picture of me with these leaders shaking hands.
How hard can that be? It's beautiful! But why aren't we eating in the dining room? It's so big and formal, this will be more intimate.
It means a lot to me that you canceled your other plans tonight to spend it with me.
Tonight I pulled out all the stops.
I even got someone to play our song.
Oh, boys! It's the theme to Sanford and Son! Dinner will be right up.
Tonight I am your servant.
I guess I have to be your servant later on! - In bed.
- Oh, yes! I gotta change for this state dinner.
- Mrs.
Bush is gonna find out.
- She is not! I have a jazz band in there drowning out any noise she might hear! And if she does come out, you're gonna warn me.
You're gonna make a loud crow call! I'll make up the sofa for you to sleep on tonight.
Don't you worry! Just remember, if Laura comes out, crow call! Hello, everybody.
How are we all doing? Fine.
With this new suit they gave me I look like Cary Grant.
Mr.
President, this is Joyce Mathers from Pro Choice people.
Nice to meet you, Joyce.
Can I call you Joyce? - You already did.
- That's great.
Come on in.
- Mr.
Bush, let me be frank.
- That makes more sense than Joyce.
We're not happy to be here defending a woman's right to choose to some male-chauvinist Pro-Life leader! Well! Meet the Pro-Life leader now! - Felix Harris.
- Hello! Mr.
Harris, shake hands with the nice Pro-Choice leader.
Where is she? I can't see because I was aborted.
But, if she's the leader of Pro-Choice, let me guess.
She's got a butch haircut, a bunch of feminist beads, and a gigantic ass.
- I never! - Sure you have, then you aborted it.
I know! Why don't we take a photo, to show the world how great this summit's going? A woman has a right to do what she wants with her body! Right? What kind of rights do I have? I'm 30 years old and I have to shop at Baby Gap! I think we're off to a great start! Excuse me for a second.
Where are you going? - I'll be right back.
- Jesus Christ, you can't leave now! - Did Laura come out? - No! I thought I heard a crow call.
That wasn't a crow call, that was a raven call.
The cook asked me to make that when the food got here.
Why the hell would you? Never mind! Finally! I'm sorry.
This took me longer to carve up than I thought.
- My goodness, what did you make? - What did I make? It's a steak.
- What was that? - What was what? I know.
Why don't you tell me about how you plan on redecorating the Lincoln bedroom? - Really? - Yeah, just close your eyes.
Tell me exactly how you envision it.
And don't leave out any details.
Well, I'm thinking about changing the wall colors from yellow to deep salmon.
Perhaps a goldenrod trimmer around the first layer of wainscot You just keep your laws off our bodies! Respect a woman's choice! Women choose when they open their meat curtains and take a bow! - How are we all doing? - Mr.
President, I will not sit here and be insulted while eating shrimp! You don't have to eat shrimp.
Why don't we take a nice picture of us all shaking hands? I won't shake hands with someone who's pro-abortion! I'm not pro-abortion, I'm pro-choice! Are you against abortion? Then you're pro-abortion! Take a logic class, you stupid hooker! - Stop calling me a hooker! - Just take a picture real quick.
Do you want women dying in back alleys? - Take the picture! - It won't go! Turn on the flash! - Hooker! - You son of a bitch! All right! Now that's enough! I'm the President of the United States! Forgive me if I demand some decency! Now If we don't start showing each other a little bit of respect, and dignity, we're never gonna get anywhere! Now, Felix.
Joyce stands up for what she believes in because she thinks it's right.
And Joyce.
You need to remember Felix is against abortion because of strong, moral convictions.
Now We're all gonna sit and talk, like adults.
- I'll be right back! - For Christ's sake! - Entertain the guests! - How? I don't care, just do it! Just came in here and started squawking.
Weird, huh? Laura's gonna be furious at me! and a large throw rug with matching patterns of yellow and white on the credenza.
- What do you think? - Sounds impeccable.
You're sweating.
You know how I get when you start talking about redecorating.
Isn't it nice we're talking? How's work going? Right now I'm working on uniting two sides of a very partisan issue.
That sounds great.
- Better check on our desserts.
- Forget dessert! It's you that I want.
- Let's make love.
- Right now? Now.
Why don't you go upstairs, I'll meet you in ten minutes? Come on! We're in the White House! We should do it in every room here.
- What room do you wanna do it in? - The dining room.
I want you to spread me out on that massive table, right under that big picture of Mr.
Lincoln and pound me like a one hole! - Oh, God! Are you sure? - Let's go! Wait! Laura, hold on! Maggie Let's go! - Not the dining room! - Why not? Before we make love I want you to put on something sexy! I know! Put on that thing I got for you last Valentine's Day.
The ski parka? Yeah, get that on! - I want you in that! - OK, George! Don't start without me! All right! Everybody, we are moving to the basement! - What? - What? Fondue is being served in the basement! - I'm going nowhere with this hooker! - Piss off, Chucky! Don't call me Chucky, God-damnit! Oh, Jesus! Help me! Help me! Stop! I'm here, poopsie! Take me! Somebody stop this dog! Has anybody seen my crow? - That's it! We are leaving! - No! We're leaving first, hooker! George! There's a fetus riding our dog! Tastes like failure.
I sure screwed things up this time, didn't I? How could I think you wouldn't notice my state dinner in the other room? I am so dumb! I could have won Special Olympics tonight! I'm not upset because you had a big state dinner tonight.
You're not? I'm upset because if I knew there was an abortion dinner, I'd have understood.
But you didn't tell me because we hardly talk anymore! But you said you'd be upset if I canceled.
I'm not unreasonable, I just wanna know what's going on.
- Is that so much to ask? - I'm sorry.
It's just I really thought I could unite both sides of this abortion issue.
George.
You can't unite everybody.
Maybe you can't unite pro-choice and pro-life activists.
Because, in a way, they're both right.
You're right.
You know what else? I just remembered.
It's not state dinners that help you think through, it's talking with the people you love.
Well.
I'll tell you this, Mr.
President.
You can keep your laws on my body anytime you like! You know what? You may be a bad President, but you're an okay husband sometimes.
One of these days, I'm gonna punch you in the face! Did I ever tell you, you're the most wonderful woman in the world! George.
George! - Stop it, you tiger! - Stop what? That, George! Is this a party or what? SouthParkNews.
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