The Adventures of Brisco County Jr (1993) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
[Opening music.]
Fire in the hole! All right, back to work.
So, Marshall Brisco County: Now that you've rounded up the 13 most notorious outlaws in all the west - including John Bly - what do you do for an encore? I believe I'll smoke this pipe.
Could you help me out here Marshall? I've got a column to write.
If you don't give me a decent quote, I'll have to make something up.
I'm familiar with your column, Mr Collier.
Why break with custom now? Because in this case the truth is too damn good.
Right here on this very train is the entire John Bly gang.
In three days time they'll be safely locked up in the federal penetenary in Pennsyvania.
Every lawman west of the Mississippi hunted them, yet you, single-handedly, brought them to justice.
Did you hear that boys? Single-handedly! Figuratively speaking, that is.
Is that the famous gun I've heard so much about? Just an ordinary peace-maker with a pretty handle, Mr Collier.
Well, it's beautiful.
Maybe so, but that doesn't make it shoot any straighter.
That's all I've got to say on the subject.
Thanks, that'll do fine! You know what you've done here Owens? You've captured the epic grandeur of the great American west.
Thanks, Pete.
Personally, I have little use for this current crop of Frenchmen slap their paint on, thick bold strokes of vibrant color call themselves impressionists.
Guess I'm just a classicist at heart.
Take some constructive criticism? I guess so Needs a sunset.
It's the middle of the day, Pete.
Well it's that kind of negative thinking that breeds the complacency -- [train whistles.]
Clear the track.
Here she comes! Weren't you wearing a tie-pin? Hmmm? When you came on board, didn't you have a tie-pin? All right gentlemen, let's move! Take your positions! Come on now! Open fire gentlemen.
Bring that plank across.
Fire your weapons.
Bring that across.
Let's go, right now.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Keep moving, keep moving, that's it.
Get the bag now, move it in! My arms! So sorry Marshall: a little change in plans.
Let's go.
First-hand I witnessed the incredible cunning of the outlaw John Bly as he masterminded his own escape.
An escape which occurred despite the massive security precautions the railroad undertook.
It seems they thought of everything - except the eyesight of the Engineer.
It still eludes me how anyone can drive a train into the side of a giant painted rock with scenery on it no more believable than the backdrops down at the Horseshoe Club! That's good! Well of course it's good.
Give me that cigar.
Speaking of clubs: down at the far more posh Westerfield Club, the leading robber-barons of the west have been convening.
It would seem that the return of John Bly and his gang is bad for business.
Oh my God! It's itching again! -Which one, the right or the left? -Both! Sit down! Word has it word has it the five tycoons have given their lapdog and legal counsellor, Socrates Poole, the responsibility for hiring their own private bounty hunter.
Who? Lord Bowler? While the infamous tracker Lord Bowler has made his appearance here in town he will not be going home with the assignment.
My sources tell me that the man with the inside track is none other than Brisco County - Junior! There's another one!? Yes, that's right! And hats off to the robbers barons for their selection.
I hear young County is a Harvard educated lawyer, a scholar, by all accounts a man of refinement, elegance and polish.
My only question is this: How did they ever rope him into it? Get the rope.
Any final words, Señor Brisco County Junior? Yeah: "I didn't do it.
" You cheat me in cards, and now you lie to my face?! Adios Señor, better luck in the next world.
Slap the horse.
Easy, comet.
Slap the horse again.
Easy boy.
Good Comet.
Slap the horse again otra vez! Whoa buddy.
Right there's good.
Hang the horse! Wait.
I found the card.
I found the ace of spades.
Where? It was in Carlos' pocket.
Carlitos, vos apaga con su sangre? Whoa Comet.
Now Comet, go! Socrates, you're a pretty smart fellow alright but I sure hope you made the right choice this time.
Well, I for one, like the man's background.
Trust Poole to hire himself another lawyer.
I have to work with the man, don't forget.
Don't worry Socrates, no-one's questioning your judgement.
Poole, how much longer do we have to wait? And where's this Brisco County Jr of yours? I'm sure he'll be here any- Gentlemen! Mr County has arrived.
Which one of you is Aristotle Poole? That's Socrates Poole.
Oh, sorry, I guess that's a common mistake.
Not at all.
Well, it is if you flunked Greek philosophy two years in a row.
Hey, hey, hey! I told you to wait outside.
This isn't the first time we've had this discussion.
Now get! Behave yourself.
You'll have to excuse Comet, he doesn't know he's a horse.
Mr County, I'd like you to meet your employers.
Sherman Paulson here.
Mr Paulson owns the mines.
- Francis Kilbride.
- Shipping Kenyon Drummond Cattle.
Granville Thorogood.
I own the railroads.
Ethan Emerson.
- Mr Emerson owns- - Everything.
No young man, just the banks.
Yeah, but the banks own everything.
Mr County, I hope you know you're late.
Late? Hell, I almost didn't make it here at all.
Let me give you fellas a good piece of advice.
Anybody here play poker? I guess not.
Forget I mentioned it.
We understand you're a lawyer, Mr County.
Not any more.
Tried it.
Didn't much care for it.
Seems a shameful waste of seven years.
Better than a shameful waste of an entire lifetime.
No offence, Sophocles.
Socrates.
Mr County, you mind telling us what you've been up to recently? Well, I'll tell ya I've been looking.
Looking? For the coming thing.
The coming thing? It's 1893.
We're only seven years away from a new century.
The Twentieth Century.
Don't you sense it? The coming thing? It's right out there on the horizon.
It's just around the corner.
Exactly what is the coming thing, Mr County? You fellas aren't too bright for a bunch of robber barons, are ya? If I knew exactly what it was it wouldn't be coming, it would already be here.
I think I've heard enough Mr County.
We're not fools, and we're certainly not going to be treated as such.
Good day to you Sir.
- Hang on! - Let's not be hasty - This is a waste of time, let's get Lord Bowler Just a minute! I want this job.
And I'm the man to get it done.
Now never mind that I'm Brisco County's son.
This job isn't my birthright.
The important thing is: I can out-shoot, out-ride, out-spit, out-fight, out-think John Bly or any one of his gang.
Now you didn't make a mistake when you hired me, but you're about to make one now.
That's all I've got to say on the subject.
Hold it! Socrates, take Mr County into your office and have him sign the damned employment agreement! Yes sir, Mr Emerson.
Come with me.
You're not quite what I expected, Mr County.
Well, expectations lead to disappointment Socrates, that's why I try not to have any.
You almost cost us both our jobs.
They don't like to be called "robber barons", you know.
Well of course they don't - it isn't exactly a compliment.
- Hand me a towel, will ya? - Huh? A towel! Right behind ya.
Thanks.
Don't start getting the wrong idea.
I'm not your lackey or your butler.
I am a liaison between you and your employer.
You will provide me with regular updates on your progress and I in turn will issue you bi-monthly pay vouchers for your services.
And if you expect to be reimbursed for any out-of-pocket expenses, I suggest you keep your receipts.
Do you make up these little speeches in advance, and then memorize them? Some people regard my skills in this area as an asset.
These have been sent here for you: your father's things.
Well, I'll keep this.
What about the rest? Send it off to the dead sheriff's museum.
That's a bit cold isn't it? What if it is? I withdraw the comment.
It's none of my business.
Look, Socrates: my father was the greatest lawman the west has ever seen.
But he knew it was a risky profession, and so did I.
In other words, you had a long time to prepare for his death.
All my life.
I see.
Did you drop something? What is it? It's for me.
Stanyons, table four, 3 o'clock PM.
What do you think? I think I'm starving; I haven't eaten in two days - and we're already late.
Just imagine, Socrates, what this city is going to be like.
With an entire system of cables hauling trolleys up and down these streets.
With all the attendant risks of negligence and liability - it's a lawyer's nightmare! You'd better get used to it, because it won't be long before there are motorized trolleys that don't even need tracks.
You know, it's admirable that you have this ability to constantly think about the future.
I myself find that I am always bogged down in the present.
Hmmm, I wonder who sent this anyway? Me! I did.
Lord Bowler, man hunter.
You may have heard of me.
Once or twice.
With your daddy around, I could barely make a living.
Now, just when things are looking up I find out there's another Brisco County.
You ain't got the huevos rancheros for this job County, so I suggest you quit while you're ahead.
I'm going after Bly and his gang, and I'm going alone.
I don't think so Bowler.
I propose a little challenge, County: last man remaining at this table gets the job.
That's fine by me Bowler, but I gotta warn you: I'm real hungry and I could be here all day.
Let's find out.
Excuse me, I'm late for a deposition.
Oh, waiter! Yes sir? We're ready to order.
Yes sir.
It all looks so good.
Did you want something Bowler? I've already eaten.
What do you recommend? The minute steak.
I can't decide.
What are you having Euripides? County, you ain't nothing but a sugar-foot glory-grabber, out to make a name for hisself using his dead daddy's overblown reputation.
Now what would your dead, dumb daddy think of that? - I'll take the steak, make it rare.
- Right away sir! He'd think you were right.
You lose.
Guess again! Man: Get the police! Your steak, sir.
- Well done! - No, rare.
I guess I'll eat at the bar.
or, behind bars No, no, no: you boys got it all wrong.
This belongs to the railroad.
The track may belong to you Mr Thorogood but the land is the government's and that goes for everything found on it.
Sir, I hope you understand that this object may be of extreme scientific importance? That's hogwash.
I would hardly say that an object that appears to give off supernatural strength is "hogwash.
" I'm referring to the validity of the government's claim.
Nevertheless the government is taking possession.
It's my job to transport this "orb" here on the special government gold train to Washington.
Why Washington? It's going to my lab at the Smithsonian for study and safekeeping.
You really believe that this orb has some special powers, huh? Mr Thorogood, let me put it this way: as a scientist I have studied what has happened here empirically and I see no better explanation.
Now if you'll excuse us sir, we've got work to do.
Let's get this thing packed up.
- Careful now, careful - What are we hauling here? It's an unearthed foreign object.
That's kind of a mouthful, chief.
Alright.
Haul away! Let's move 'em out.
Spitting is spitting.
Sixty days hard labor.
Look, I know this judge; he's tough but he's fair.
Everybody gets the same treatment.
So just keep your mouth shut and take your sixty days.
Alright, c'mon, c'mon.
Next.
What have we here? Disorderly conduct, public fighting, aggravated mayhem?! That's sixty-- - Excuse me your honor? - What is it? I have a motion for the court.
I'd like to request a jury trial.
- A jury trial? - Yes sir, that's right.
Judge, so you know, I have nothing to do with this man.
We in this separately.
I also request a complete list of prosecution witnesses who will testify against me - and a continuance- - Are you a lawyer? Yes I am.
Well I have no time for a jury trial.
Well sir, the consitution requires that you make time.
Not if there's no case.
Get this damn lawyer out of my courtroom.
Case is dismissed! - Thank-you your honor.
- Thank-you your honor.
[whistles.]
- Not you, him.
- Huh? You get sixty days.
Hard labor! - Wait a minute, that's not fair! I'm with him! - Get him out of my courtroom! - Brisco! Do something! I'm with him! That's far enough.
I I got a message for Mr Bly.
In a few days time, a special government gold train will be leaving San Francisco heading for the US treasury in Washington DC.
This is the main rail line.
This is an abandoned track once used by the ore trains of the Humbold mining company.
The spur we're building connects the two right here.
- Who's that? - It's Big Smith and his gang.
The train goes through a tunnel right here, just before our spur.
That tunnel will be filled with knock-out gas.
The guards won't know what hit 'em.
Yeah Big, but neither will the Engineer.
How we gonna stop this train? The train's got a dead man's switch.
When the Engineer releases the throttle, the train comes to a halt.
That's when we get on board.
We drive it across our spur onto the other tracks, then we do what we gotta do.
Why rob a train and not a bank? Robbing a train is like robbing a moving bank.
It's hard enough to rob a bank, without it speeding by one hundred miles per hour.
You're crazy Pete, trains don't go anywhere as close to a hundred miles per hour.
Sure they do.
Well they do not, you gone loco.
- Do too! - They do not! - Clackity-clack, clackity clack, dead on the track, dead on the track, clackity clack, clackity clack, dead- - Shut up! No more banks.
No more penny-ante heists.
This train is going to give us the resources to bring my grand plan to its rightful conclusion.
Excuse me Mr Bly.
Not that I relish the idea of playing devil's advocate, but isn't the train schedule a closely guarded secret? We got somebody working on that.
Tycoons and the politicians.
What is it that gives them the right to rule this country? - Money? - Power? Correct on both counts.
And after this we're going to the ones with both.
And then this whole country is gonna be right here in the palm of my hand.
Who the hell are you? I'm Lightning Bill in from San Francisco, I've got some information for you.
- What is it? - The tycoons, they've hired a bounty hunter.
Who? Lord Bowler? Brisco County.
You idiot, he's dead! Brisco County Jr.
A son, seeking revenge for the death of the father.
I love it! You may leave now, Lightning Bill.
- It's my pleasure, Mr Bly, it's been a real honor- - Get out! - I'm going.
- Oh, Bill be very careful on the way out.
Stay to your left.
Thank-you sir.
[distant screaming.]
Did I say left? I meant right! Now, you go take care of Junior - You mean kill him.
- That's right.
- We're going to get Brisco in Frisco - How? Use the scarred-foot clan.
But the scarred-foot clan, they they hate us.
Exactly.
It's amazing how good a bath feels when you haven't had one for two or three weeks.
I wouldn't know Something wrong? Yes! We are not getting off to a very good start here.
Certainly your time in jail won't be recoupable against your guarantee.
Relax, the day and a half wasn't wasted.
Now where's that newspaper I had in there? Hopefully burned along with all your clothes.
Ah, here it is.
Now listen to this: - Jonah Collier's column, you ever read it? - Never.
Well, I don't blame you.
He refers to you here as "Thorogood's lapdog".
What? Let me see that! Don't be so sensitive.
Calm down.
It's about Bly's escape.
Um, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah-blah-blah - "how anyone can drive a train into a giant painted rock with scenery on it no more believable than the backdrops down at the Horseshoe Club!" So? So how many scenic painters could there be around here? Maybe we should go down to the Horseshoe Club and talk to this guy.
Is this the kind of deductive reasoning you learned at Harvard? No, at Harvard we mainly learned drinking songs and how to unsnap a woman's- [knocking at door.]
- Who's that? Maybe it's Comet.
Oh, I see: you've taught him some manners.
Now at least he knocks before he enters.
No, actually it's my room service order.
Must be some kind of mistake - I didn't order Chinese.
Brisco! Help! Hand me the gun.
I can't reach.
Then shoot him.
- I can't! - Then shoot me and put me out of my misery.
Ah! My hands are slipping! Don't worry, I've got a good grip on your belt.
Are you okay? I appear to be uninjured if that is what you mean.
But I am not "okay" in the sense that I approve or consent to what just occurred.
Sorry I asked.
Who were those people anyway? Your guess as good as mine.
No it's not, and I'm distressed that you think that it is.
You know Socrates, you really need to develop a personality for the times when you're not in court.
What's that? One of those tongs wore this around his neck.
It's a cheap Chinatown trinket.
The city's full of them.
Do me a favor Socrates - go on down to the Horseshoe Club and see what information you can dig up on the guy who paints their backdrops.
Where are you going? Chinatown.
Hello? Can I help you? Yeah, I need some information.
Of course! Anything you want.
Information is free.
Oh, good.
There's something that I found that I want to show you- Wait! Perhaps you want to buy something first, so you don't feel like you're taking advantage of me.
How much is that? Twenty bucks.
You're right: now I don't feel so guilty over all this "free" information I'm about to get.
And I need a receipt for that.
- A receipt? - Yeah Never mind it's just more work for me! Where did you get this? You recognise it.
What does it mean? Just remembered.
We're closed! - Wha? - We're closed! Take your music box and go! It's Chinese holiday.
- There's no Chinese holiday.
- It's a little known Chinese holiday! - Oooh, look! - What? Hey, hey hey hey! The charm! Open the door.
Hey! Where are you? I want my charm back.
And I want that receipt too! Chinatown.
[speaking Chinese.]
- This is the man Big Smith sent.
- Huh? Big Smith hired him to seek us out and destroy us.
What are you talking about? No no no no, wait, you got the wrong- Silence.
We are the scarred foot clan.
No kidding.
We exist only to fight the tyrany of Big Smith.
Good, that puts us on the same- I said mòtò! We train to battle men like you.
At least you will give one of my warriors some valuable experience.
Stop! Where did you get this gun? Who wants to know? I am Lee Pow.
And who are you? I am my father's son.
Brisco County Junior?! [Estatic Chinese.]
I carved this handle myself in gratitude of a great favor your father once did for me.
Now you must avenge his death.
No Lee Pow, not avenge his death.
Complete his work.
Looks like I start with Big Smith.
Big Smith is the first tentacle of John Bly's empire.
He and his gang control a vast slave trade of Chinese workers.
Where's Big Smith now? Somewhere in the mountains, I don't know where.
There is something else that you should know: Four workers recently fled from one of Big Smith's chain gangs.
While blasting for a tunnel they they discovered something.
Something strange, something mysterious - a metallic orb.
They said when they touched this orb, they felt an energy, a mystical power, a sense of a greater force.
It gave them the strength to set themselves free.
I need a lead, a clue, some place to start.
Dixie Cousins, Big Smith's girlfriend.
She lives somewhere in this town, I think.
Dixie Cousins.
- Thanks Lee Pow.
- Good luck.
And don't forget: The spirit of your father guides you.
[mutters in Chinese.]
Backdrop painter is named Owens.
Quit about a month ago, left town, never came back.
That's about the time of the train escape.
So what did you learn? That Bly's right-hand-man Big Smith has a girlfriend named Dixie Cousins.
Let me have two whiskeys - Off the top shelf.
And, that she may be here in town.
- That's it? - Well, it's a start.
Oh, I need a receipt for that.
What's so funny? I'm sorry, but this is a huge city.
How on Earth are you going to find this woman - go knocking door-to-door? Be realistic my dear Brisco, Dixie Cousins is not going to just fall from the sky into your lap.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the incomparable- Dixie Cousins! Not exactly in my lap, but close enough.
# I looked around the country and I've seen it all # And what I want, I'm ready to name # It's big and strong and handsome and it's six feet tall # I'm going to file my claim # I struck a real bonanza, and he's rough and rich # But what he's got, I'm ready to tame # He's worth a fancy fortune, but it's not in cash.
# I'm going to file my claim - You're a sweet little thing.
- Stop it! Come on baby, gimme just one little kiss.
Sorry about that.
Where did you learn how to throw a punch like that? Catholic school.
That was going to be my first guess.
- You okay? - Oh sure, it's just my nose.
Now that other fella, he may have a hard time riding home tonight.
# I'm going to file my claim Hmmm, what a mensch.
Can't these saddle-tramps keep their hands to themselves? Look at me.
Look at how I'm dressed.
Do I look like somebody that wants to be pawed and fondled? - Well, I- - No! The answer is no.
Dad! Amanda!? I've been looking for you.
It's time for us to go.
- But the show just started.
- The second show.
But I came all the way to San Francisco just to see her sing! The second show, on the second night.
Let's go.
You have everything: your glasses, your pills, your notebook, your pocketwatch? Yes.
No.
Forgot it.
Never use it.
What would I do without her? Professor Albert Wickwire.
- Chemist, physicist, experimentalist.
- Hi.
C'mon dad.
Bye! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! # Who's going to help me? Help, help me # Who's going to help me file my claim tonight? Woo, woo, woo! Lawyers.
Whoa, whoa.
Heya! Evening, ma'am.
All aboard! What on earth are you doing? - That's larceny! - Wha? You just took that man's ticket and his case.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, make sure Comet gets a green apple for breakfast - he'll love you for life.
He-ya! Excuse me, I'm looking for Comet.
Ah.
I couldn't find green, you'll have to settle for red.
I'm sorry, it was the best I could do.
Oh please, an apple's an apple.
The color is immaterial.
- Where's Brisco? - Huh? Who said that? Me, Comet.
- A talking horse, huh? - Yeah I can talk, what's wrong with that? Nothing, nothing, nothing, more power to you I say.
So where's Brisco, where's my master? I really need to find him, it's very important.
I'm sorry, that's privileged information, "Comet".
Or should I say, "Lord Bowler"? Yeah, well, you ain't as stupid as you look, Poole.
I see you've escaped, Bowler.
So much for the virtues of our criminal justice system.
Where's County? That's for me to know, and you to find out.
You little law-book reading, robber baron butt-kissing, Brisco hiding sissy! You tell me! Why don't you ask Comet, the talking horse? That's the best idea you've ever had, counsellor.
I'm starting to like that stuff! [drunken laughter.]
Have we reached the mountains yet? Oh, I was just getting I mean, we're almost there.
Did you sleep well, Miss Cousins? No, not really.
I hate sleeping alone.
Oh, you're not alone.
I've been here all the while.
- You miss my point Mister - Merryweather.
Rosco Merryweather.
What's in the sample case, Rosco? Let's take a look.
- Oh my! - Very fancy.
Oh, I'd love to sample this one.
What's it for? They're for grooming animals large animals.
Zoo animals.
You mean like lions and tigers? - That's right.
- Sounds like dangerous work.
Well ma'am I don't actually do the grooming, I just sell the brushes But enough about me.
Tell me where you're headed.
- To trouble.
I'm going to start some.
- How's that? That's between me and my boyfriend.
And he's waiting for me at the next stop.
Very fancy.
# She'll be coming, coming, coming coming coming # 'round that old mountain when she comes when she comes # she'll be coming, coming coming coming round that old mountain when she comes Shut up Pete! # When she comes [drunken laughter.]
- Pickle! - Ha ha ha ha! What's happening? Looks like we lost our drivers.
- The stage is out of control.
- Oy! What do we do now? Well I could swing out, get a good foothold and climb up to the top of the stage.
Then, if I'm real careful (and God is on my side) I could leap onto the back of the rear horse and work my way up to the lead team - taking care not to fall beneath their thundering hooves - then reach out, grab the bridle of the lead horse, and reign them into to a safe and steady stop.
- Oh my! - Or - we could jump.
- Oh! Oh my! Your dress is caught in my fly.
- I'll get that for you- - Oh, no, no no, it's okay, I got it.
Hiya Dix.
Have a nice trip? Not bad, all things considered.
- You got what I need? - Don't I always? Who's your friend? Allow me to introduce somebody calling himself Rosco Merryweather.
Rosco, this is Big Smith.
That's Peter Hutter and this is some of Big's gang.
My pleasure.
Yeah, nice knowing you too.
You can shoot him now Pete.
You're going to kill him? You used my name, Dix.
You know the rules.
Dixie.
I'm kinda a stickler for gun safety.
Could ya move a little to the left? Don't you get it? He's somebody.
Sorry Dixie, existential thought doesn't hold much water out here in the territories.
Dixie's right.
I'm not really Rosco Merrydoodle.
- Merryweather.
- Ah, yeah, Merryweather.
It's Wiley Stafford.
I'm an outlaw on the run.
Kansas Wiley Stafford? Do I know you? Oh, no sir! Who is he? He's one crazy-mean son-of-a-buck, that's who he is.
I seen him kill five men in Dodge City saloon nigh on two years ago.
Five on one, and he killed them all.
'Course I had my snoot in the sawdust to keep my head from being blowed off.
I knew it.
Kansas Wiley Stafford.
Where are you from, Kansas? Answer the man! I'm from Kansas.
Please Big can we keep him? "Can we keep him?" Sure Dixie, we can keep him.
He saved your life, didn't he? Mount up, Kansas.
You're riding with us.
Something tells me you and me are going to be the best of friends.
Welcome to Southern Creek.
Five years ago the gold ran dry.
Now the sheriff's dead, the mayor runs a brothel and the minister's a drunk.
My kinda town.
Come on Kansas, let me buy you a drink.
It's quite a hat you have there, Big.
You're looking at $3,000 real money.
You know that old expression "he's got a price on his head?" Well in my case it's the truth.
You'd have to kill me to get that hat, Kansas.
Now why would I want to do that? Tell me something Kansas, in all your travels, you ever run across a cowboy by the name of Brisco County Junior? Can't say that I have.
Oh, wait a minute.
He's a US Marshal or something like that? No, that's the father.
I'm talking about his son.
Oh, sorry.
I'm drawing a blank.
I ain't too concerned about the father any more.
He's dead.
- 'That so? - And not only that, I'm the one who killed him.
Well, me and twelve others, to be exact.
We drilled him so full of holes he looked like a cheese.
He had it coming.
The man was a craven coward.
A pox-ridden squaw lover, and a card-cheating drunk.
You sure you never heard of his son? Nope.
And now I hope I never do.
Thanks for the drink, Big.
I'd like to send this by telegraph to San Francisco.
- What is this, Spanish? - Latin.
Hold it.
You misspelled that word.
Send it again.
- Oh, here, let me help you.
- It's okay, I've got it.
It's you.
From the bar.
Look, no permanent damage.
What are you doing, Kansas? We're all down at the bar.
Why don't you hurry back before somebody misses you? Are you with these people? Stupid fool! He's sorry.
It was an accident.
Apologise dad.
My golly, what a mess.
Sorry.
Mind giving me a hand? You're about to have a religious experience, Grandpa.
How's that? You're gonna see Jesus! Pete - Put the gun down.
They say I'm the fastest draw west of the Colorado.
You care to try me, Kansas? I don't know.
I'm not that good at geography.
My God, he touched Pete's piece! - Nobody touches Pete's piece.
- You're touching my piece, Kansas.
The man apologised.
Forget about it.
Forget about it? You mean, rip it from my memory like a picture from a book? Picture of a small boy, kinda shy, with big ears who only wanted to be liked? And the laughing faces of his classmates mocking him because he forgot to wear his pants to school! Is that what you mean?! - You lost me Pete.
- I'm calling you out Kansas.
You don't wanna do that.
You touched Pete's piece.
That's something you don't wanna do with Pete.
It's done.
Outside.
Kansas - Wiley Stafford - just touched Pete's piece! - This is crazy, it was an accident.
- Amanda, take your father and get back inside.
- All right, all right, 5 bucks on the new guy.
- I'll take 5 bucks.
Ready? Pride comes before a fall, Pete.
So does an ounce of lead in the brainpan.
- Well, it was nice knowing him.
- Which one? Ain't in Kansas any more Kansas.
- Good God! - Good riddance.
Nice work Kansas.
You just killed my four best men: Pete, and Scratchy, and those other two.
I'm sorry Big, I guess I was just thinking of myself.
Hey, what's done is done, huh? Bravo young man! Did you employ vector calculations or did you simply estimate the incidental angle of the bullets' trajectories? Well actually I just sorta shut my eyes and hit the dirt.
- Not bad.
- Thanks.
- Nice work, Kansas.
- Di- Di- Dixie! Dixie Cousins! I don't believe it! - Horseshoe club, San Francisco.
- Ah, a fan! - Are you playing here in town? - Why yes, but only in private.
Well, I'm sure Miss Cousins is anxious to try out her act.
Let's go dad.
Bye bye! Amanda, wait a minute.
I think you've got the wrong idea.
Forget about her.
She's got no use for the outlaw breed.
And those that tried make up their own soprano chior.
Dixie, don't wait up for me.
I got a lot of work to do.
You like the bed? It comes from France.
- Louis XIV? - No I think Louis was the 9th or 10th.
But then a lady never counts.
Oh? Then what are those notches on your bedpost? Just a few scratches that occurred during shipping.
You know, I get all my best ideas in bed.
Like what? Taking over Big Smith's gang? Kansas, I am surprised at you.
You think that I think that small? Oh, but Big is pretty big, isn't he? Big is big alright.
But there are those who are bigger.
Like John Bly.
- How did you know Bly's involved? - Involved in what? Boy, we really are doing a dance here, aren't we Kansas? I knew you'd be a good partner.
I can't dance without music Dixie.
I think it's time for you to sing.
- There's a train coming through tomorrow.
- A gold train? Maybe.
What's Big Smith's plan? He's working on the railroad while someone's in the kitchen with Dixie.
- The railroad where? - South.
How far? Pretty far.
Over the hill, and down through the valley.
Any more questions? [hammer blows.]
Someone's working on the railroad.
Keep 'em working, the spur's gotta be done tonight! [snoring.]
- What is it? - I dunno, someone was watching us! Well, get 'em! Go! That's it, come on! Come on boy! - What are you doing here? - Don't ask any questions, just play along.
You want something? Didn't mean to disturb you Kansas, or anything, but But? Sorry Kansas.
He-ya! - Hey! Kansas! - Yes sir? Let me show you what I've been working on.
Excuse us Amanda.
A rocket.
It's beautiful.
The coming thing.
- What? - Nothing.
- I know what you're thinking: that she'll never fly.
- Of course she will.
If it doesn't blow up first; the last three did.
Fourth time is a charm.
You know, in the future- Rockets will chart the stars.
That's right.
You're right.
He's right, you know.
- Nitrocellulose for propulsion.
- That's what I'm trying.
Of course the problem is containing the rate of combustion.
Exactly.
And then, we've got to worry about stabilization.
That's why I'm working with this set of fins.
You know, you might try four instead of two.
It increases the friction, but you minimize your central axis rotation.
Ah, that's very interesting.
Kansas, stay for dinner.
We have so much to discuss.
I can't, there's going to be a train robbery.
See dad? He can't stay because he's got to get back and rob a train.
I'm not robbing it, I'm trying to stop it.
They're going to divert a gold train onto a spur right here on the main line.
What are you doing after that? - You're not an outlaw.
- No.
Then who are you? - Brisco County.
- Is that where you're from? No ma'am, that's who I am.
Where did you go? I was looking forward to breakfast in bed.
Sorry Dixie, I'm an early riser.
Well now, lookie who we found snooping around last night.
Lord Bowler.
Had some pretty interesting things to tell me too.
Such as Brisco County Jr is hot on our trail.
Maybe he's right here in town.
Maybe he's right here in this room.
Well is he Bowler? Point him out to me.
- You see him? - Nah.
Lyin' half-breed.
Bring in the horse.
Where's Brisco Comet? Find Brisco.
That's what I thought you'd say.
But maybe you better check one more time.
Uh-uh, Brisco first.
Hey Comet, how you been? - I knew you were too good to be true.
- Some days it pays to stay in bed.
Well boys, we gotta run.
We've got a train to catch.
Of course, it's going to catch you first! - Thanks for not giving me away.
- Don't be thanking me for nothin'.
Last thing I want is for you to be beholden to me.
Why didn't you kill Smith when you had the chance? Because it's bigger than Big Smith.
John Bly's coming here to rob a train.
What train? [train whistles.]
[train whistles.]
- Oh.
That train.
- Comet! - There's the nag that got us into this scrape.
My only hope now is that I splatter my internal organs all over your stupid face.
Shut up, he can help us.
He can bite through the ropes.
He can? You mean he's done this before? Well, no, but it's worth a try isn't it? You got any better ideas? Okay, okay, get on with it.
Come here boy, come on over here.
Come on boy.
Come on Comet.
Go go go! There you go.
Good boy! Good! You do have an affinity or we's gonna get a cow catcher up the rear.
Okay Comet, bite the ropes.
Bite through the ropes.
- Me first Comet, me first.
- Hey hey, don't confuse my horse.
It is every man for hisself County.
Me first Comet, I'll show you a place with so many green apples they grow on whole trees! Comet! Comet!!!! Good boy! Good boy, that's it! - Ha! - County!? Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up! Hurry up! Thank-you Lord, thank-you Brisco.
Thanks Comet.
And just for your information: all apples grow on trees.
- Brisco, untie me.
- I got a train to catch - But what about me? - I'll come back for ya.
What are you doing, that train went that way! What about me? I need your rocket.
Now.
I don't know why I never thought of this; it would have been perfect for early propulsion tests.
What exactly is your plan? I either catch that train or be in Denver for lunch.
Try the omelette; I hear it's great! - Brisco? - Can't talk now Amanda.
Light the fuse.
If you don't mind, I think we're going to step back a bit.
It works! But it needs brakes.
Brisco? Damn! - It's going too fast! - Let's go! There's no brakes! No fuel! - Here's the gold, just like Bly promised! - Whoo! What's this? Hey Big, what's "youpho" mean? Open it and find out! - Woa, would you look at that.
- It's incredible.
Big; Big, get over here.
Hey, get away from that! Do we get to take it? Bly said: take everything.
County! Open that door! Open that door! Either untie us or do something, this here's a runaway train.
An we're running out of track.
Now I've got too many brakes! - Oh, County.
- I'm terribly sorry Mr Thorogood.
It's alright Gordon, I can handle it.
If you're looking for your bounty, you've come to the wrong department.
See Mr Poole.
No, I'm here on another matter.
I'm all ears.
When did you go into partnership with John Bly? - I beg your pardon? - You heard me.
My hearing's fine.
It's your reasoning that seems impaired.
This is your cane, isn't it Thorogood? It's very distinctive.
Do you use it often? On occasion.
What about the night you passed the gold train schedule on to Dixie Cousins? - I see where you're going with this.
- Should I continue? Please do.
You have me on the edge of my chair.
Your train was carrying more than gold back to Washington.
It also carried an object known as "the orb".
That's correct.
So what? The government owns it.
They claimed it.
They're taking it to the Smithsonian for study.
But you wanted it for yourself, so you went into partnership with Bly.
You tipped him off to the train schedule so he could rob it.
He gets the gold, you get the orb, and Washington would never know you had it.
Why are you wasting my time with all of this? You seem to have it all figured out.
Except one thing: why do you want it? What's so important about the orb? Why don't you ask the coolies who found it? They took one of the rods out of the orb, and it gave them each the strength of a dozen men.
Hard to believe, isn't it? Incredible, huh? But it's true, I know it's true, because I tried it myself.
- You did what? - I tried it- myself.
It's like the kick of a mule, isn't it Mr County? I feel like I'm 22 again.
You're a fool Thorogood.
You've tampered with powers you don't even understand.
Looks like the partnership's been dissolved.
Quite a mystery with this orb.
Consider: it gave freedom to the Chinese labourers, yet it took Thorogood's life.
Don't you find that paradoxical? I don't know Socrates, but I'll tell you this: - the matter deserves further study.
- I agree.
Oh, by the way: I like the new look.
What look? No tie.
You're not wearing any tie.
Oh, yes, right.
I'm adopting your suggestion to develop a personality for outside the courtroom.
I'm also thinking of dropping my g's, as in "I'll be waitin' for ya Brisc.
" Did you notice I called you Brisc? Something else I'm thinking of doing: giving people affectionate nicknames.
So, whadya think? - Well, it's a step in the right direction.
- Uh huh.
Now, where are you going? You've still got a job to do.
There's someone I need to talk to.
Don't worry, I'll be back.
Be waitin' for ya, Brisc! Hello Dad.
This is tough work you used to do.
I don't know how you did it.
This first one almost killed me, and I've got twelve more to go.
Maybe it gets easier as you go along, huh? I guess not.
Well, you had one hell of a funeral Dad.
Governors from three states and two territories showed up.
I'm sorry I missed it.
I'm sorry I missed a lot of things.
But I am going to finish the job you started.
You can count on that.
John Bly has to be caught.
I hope you're looking out for me up there.
I can use all the help I can get.
Okay, take it easy.
I'm done.
Come on Comet, we've got a long ride ahead of us.
Fire in the hole! All right, back to work.
So, Marshall Brisco County: Now that you've rounded up the 13 most notorious outlaws in all the west - including John Bly - what do you do for an encore? I believe I'll smoke this pipe.
Could you help me out here Marshall? I've got a column to write.
If you don't give me a decent quote, I'll have to make something up.
I'm familiar with your column, Mr Collier.
Why break with custom now? Because in this case the truth is too damn good.
Right here on this very train is the entire John Bly gang.
In three days time they'll be safely locked up in the federal penetenary in Pennsyvania.
Every lawman west of the Mississippi hunted them, yet you, single-handedly, brought them to justice.
Did you hear that boys? Single-handedly! Figuratively speaking, that is.
Is that the famous gun I've heard so much about? Just an ordinary peace-maker with a pretty handle, Mr Collier.
Well, it's beautiful.
Maybe so, but that doesn't make it shoot any straighter.
That's all I've got to say on the subject.
Thanks, that'll do fine! You know what you've done here Owens? You've captured the epic grandeur of the great American west.
Thanks, Pete.
Personally, I have little use for this current crop of Frenchmen slap their paint on, thick bold strokes of vibrant color call themselves impressionists.
Guess I'm just a classicist at heart.
Take some constructive criticism? I guess so Needs a sunset.
It's the middle of the day, Pete.
Well it's that kind of negative thinking that breeds the complacency -- [train whistles.]
Clear the track.
Here she comes! Weren't you wearing a tie-pin? Hmmm? When you came on board, didn't you have a tie-pin? All right gentlemen, let's move! Take your positions! Come on now! Open fire gentlemen.
Bring that plank across.
Fire your weapons.
Bring that across.
Let's go, right now.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Keep moving, keep moving, that's it.
Get the bag now, move it in! My arms! So sorry Marshall: a little change in plans.
Let's go.
First-hand I witnessed the incredible cunning of the outlaw John Bly as he masterminded his own escape.
An escape which occurred despite the massive security precautions the railroad undertook.
It seems they thought of everything - except the eyesight of the Engineer.
It still eludes me how anyone can drive a train into the side of a giant painted rock with scenery on it no more believable than the backdrops down at the Horseshoe Club! That's good! Well of course it's good.
Give me that cigar.
Speaking of clubs: down at the far more posh Westerfield Club, the leading robber-barons of the west have been convening.
It would seem that the return of John Bly and his gang is bad for business.
Oh my God! It's itching again! -Which one, the right or the left? -Both! Sit down! Word has it word has it the five tycoons have given their lapdog and legal counsellor, Socrates Poole, the responsibility for hiring their own private bounty hunter.
Who? Lord Bowler? While the infamous tracker Lord Bowler has made his appearance here in town he will not be going home with the assignment.
My sources tell me that the man with the inside track is none other than Brisco County - Junior! There's another one!? Yes, that's right! And hats off to the robbers barons for their selection.
I hear young County is a Harvard educated lawyer, a scholar, by all accounts a man of refinement, elegance and polish.
My only question is this: How did they ever rope him into it? Get the rope.
Any final words, Señor Brisco County Junior? Yeah: "I didn't do it.
" You cheat me in cards, and now you lie to my face?! Adios Señor, better luck in the next world.
Slap the horse.
Easy, comet.
Slap the horse again.
Easy boy.
Good Comet.
Slap the horse again otra vez! Whoa buddy.
Right there's good.
Hang the horse! Wait.
I found the card.
I found the ace of spades.
Where? It was in Carlos' pocket.
Carlitos, vos apaga con su sangre? Whoa Comet.
Now Comet, go! Socrates, you're a pretty smart fellow alright but I sure hope you made the right choice this time.
Well, I for one, like the man's background.
Trust Poole to hire himself another lawyer.
I have to work with the man, don't forget.
Don't worry Socrates, no-one's questioning your judgement.
Poole, how much longer do we have to wait? And where's this Brisco County Jr of yours? I'm sure he'll be here any- Gentlemen! Mr County has arrived.
Which one of you is Aristotle Poole? That's Socrates Poole.
Oh, sorry, I guess that's a common mistake.
Not at all.
Well, it is if you flunked Greek philosophy two years in a row.
Hey, hey, hey! I told you to wait outside.
This isn't the first time we've had this discussion.
Now get! Behave yourself.
You'll have to excuse Comet, he doesn't know he's a horse.
Mr County, I'd like you to meet your employers.
Sherman Paulson here.
Mr Paulson owns the mines.
- Francis Kilbride.
- Shipping Kenyon Drummond Cattle.
Granville Thorogood.
I own the railroads.
Ethan Emerson.
- Mr Emerson owns- - Everything.
No young man, just the banks.
Yeah, but the banks own everything.
Mr County, I hope you know you're late.
Late? Hell, I almost didn't make it here at all.
Let me give you fellas a good piece of advice.
Anybody here play poker? I guess not.
Forget I mentioned it.
We understand you're a lawyer, Mr County.
Not any more.
Tried it.
Didn't much care for it.
Seems a shameful waste of seven years.
Better than a shameful waste of an entire lifetime.
No offence, Sophocles.
Socrates.
Mr County, you mind telling us what you've been up to recently? Well, I'll tell ya I've been looking.
Looking? For the coming thing.
The coming thing? It's 1893.
We're only seven years away from a new century.
The Twentieth Century.
Don't you sense it? The coming thing? It's right out there on the horizon.
It's just around the corner.
Exactly what is the coming thing, Mr County? You fellas aren't too bright for a bunch of robber barons, are ya? If I knew exactly what it was it wouldn't be coming, it would already be here.
I think I've heard enough Mr County.
We're not fools, and we're certainly not going to be treated as such.
Good day to you Sir.
- Hang on! - Let's not be hasty - This is a waste of time, let's get Lord Bowler Just a minute! I want this job.
And I'm the man to get it done.
Now never mind that I'm Brisco County's son.
This job isn't my birthright.
The important thing is: I can out-shoot, out-ride, out-spit, out-fight, out-think John Bly or any one of his gang.
Now you didn't make a mistake when you hired me, but you're about to make one now.
That's all I've got to say on the subject.
Hold it! Socrates, take Mr County into your office and have him sign the damned employment agreement! Yes sir, Mr Emerson.
Come with me.
You're not quite what I expected, Mr County.
Well, expectations lead to disappointment Socrates, that's why I try not to have any.
You almost cost us both our jobs.
They don't like to be called "robber barons", you know.
Well of course they don't - it isn't exactly a compliment.
- Hand me a towel, will ya? - Huh? A towel! Right behind ya.
Thanks.
Don't start getting the wrong idea.
I'm not your lackey or your butler.
I am a liaison between you and your employer.
You will provide me with regular updates on your progress and I in turn will issue you bi-monthly pay vouchers for your services.
And if you expect to be reimbursed for any out-of-pocket expenses, I suggest you keep your receipts.
Do you make up these little speeches in advance, and then memorize them? Some people regard my skills in this area as an asset.
These have been sent here for you: your father's things.
Well, I'll keep this.
What about the rest? Send it off to the dead sheriff's museum.
That's a bit cold isn't it? What if it is? I withdraw the comment.
It's none of my business.
Look, Socrates: my father was the greatest lawman the west has ever seen.
But he knew it was a risky profession, and so did I.
In other words, you had a long time to prepare for his death.
All my life.
I see.
Did you drop something? What is it? It's for me.
Stanyons, table four, 3 o'clock PM.
What do you think? I think I'm starving; I haven't eaten in two days - and we're already late.
Just imagine, Socrates, what this city is going to be like.
With an entire system of cables hauling trolleys up and down these streets.
With all the attendant risks of negligence and liability - it's a lawyer's nightmare! You'd better get used to it, because it won't be long before there are motorized trolleys that don't even need tracks.
You know, it's admirable that you have this ability to constantly think about the future.
I myself find that I am always bogged down in the present.
Hmmm, I wonder who sent this anyway? Me! I did.
Lord Bowler, man hunter.
You may have heard of me.
Once or twice.
With your daddy around, I could barely make a living.
Now, just when things are looking up I find out there's another Brisco County.
You ain't got the huevos rancheros for this job County, so I suggest you quit while you're ahead.
I'm going after Bly and his gang, and I'm going alone.
I don't think so Bowler.
I propose a little challenge, County: last man remaining at this table gets the job.
That's fine by me Bowler, but I gotta warn you: I'm real hungry and I could be here all day.
Let's find out.
Excuse me, I'm late for a deposition.
Oh, waiter! Yes sir? We're ready to order.
Yes sir.
It all looks so good.
Did you want something Bowler? I've already eaten.
What do you recommend? The minute steak.
I can't decide.
What are you having Euripides? County, you ain't nothing but a sugar-foot glory-grabber, out to make a name for hisself using his dead daddy's overblown reputation.
Now what would your dead, dumb daddy think of that? - I'll take the steak, make it rare.
- Right away sir! He'd think you were right.
You lose.
Guess again! Man: Get the police! Your steak, sir.
- Well done! - No, rare.
I guess I'll eat at the bar.
or, behind bars No, no, no: you boys got it all wrong.
This belongs to the railroad.
The track may belong to you Mr Thorogood but the land is the government's and that goes for everything found on it.
Sir, I hope you understand that this object may be of extreme scientific importance? That's hogwash.
I would hardly say that an object that appears to give off supernatural strength is "hogwash.
" I'm referring to the validity of the government's claim.
Nevertheless the government is taking possession.
It's my job to transport this "orb" here on the special government gold train to Washington.
Why Washington? It's going to my lab at the Smithsonian for study and safekeeping.
You really believe that this orb has some special powers, huh? Mr Thorogood, let me put it this way: as a scientist I have studied what has happened here empirically and I see no better explanation.
Now if you'll excuse us sir, we've got work to do.
Let's get this thing packed up.
- Careful now, careful - What are we hauling here? It's an unearthed foreign object.
That's kind of a mouthful, chief.
Alright.
Haul away! Let's move 'em out.
Spitting is spitting.
Sixty days hard labor.
Look, I know this judge; he's tough but he's fair.
Everybody gets the same treatment.
So just keep your mouth shut and take your sixty days.
Alright, c'mon, c'mon.
Next.
What have we here? Disorderly conduct, public fighting, aggravated mayhem?! That's sixty-- - Excuse me your honor? - What is it? I have a motion for the court.
I'd like to request a jury trial.
- A jury trial? - Yes sir, that's right.
Judge, so you know, I have nothing to do with this man.
We in this separately.
I also request a complete list of prosecution witnesses who will testify against me - and a continuance- - Are you a lawyer? Yes I am.
Well I have no time for a jury trial.
Well sir, the consitution requires that you make time.
Not if there's no case.
Get this damn lawyer out of my courtroom.
Case is dismissed! - Thank-you your honor.
- Thank-you your honor.
[whistles.]
- Not you, him.
- Huh? You get sixty days.
Hard labor! - Wait a minute, that's not fair! I'm with him! - Get him out of my courtroom! - Brisco! Do something! I'm with him! That's far enough.
I I got a message for Mr Bly.
In a few days time, a special government gold train will be leaving San Francisco heading for the US treasury in Washington DC.
This is the main rail line.
This is an abandoned track once used by the ore trains of the Humbold mining company.
The spur we're building connects the two right here.
- Who's that? - It's Big Smith and his gang.
The train goes through a tunnel right here, just before our spur.
That tunnel will be filled with knock-out gas.
The guards won't know what hit 'em.
Yeah Big, but neither will the Engineer.
How we gonna stop this train? The train's got a dead man's switch.
When the Engineer releases the throttle, the train comes to a halt.
That's when we get on board.
We drive it across our spur onto the other tracks, then we do what we gotta do.
Why rob a train and not a bank? Robbing a train is like robbing a moving bank.
It's hard enough to rob a bank, without it speeding by one hundred miles per hour.
You're crazy Pete, trains don't go anywhere as close to a hundred miles per hour.
Sure they do.
Well they do not, you gone loco.
- Do too! - They do not! - Clackity-clack, clackity clack, dead on the track, dead on the track, clackity clack, clackity clack, dead- - Shut up! No more banks.
No more penny-ante heists.
This train is going to give us the resources to bring my grand plan to its rightful conclusion.
Excuse me Mr Bly.
Not that I relish the idea of playing devil's advocate, but isn't the train schedule a closely guarded secret? We got somebody working on that.
Tycoons and the politicians.
What is it that gives them the right to rule this country? - Money? - Power? Correct on both counts.
And after this we're going to the ones with both.
And then this whole country is gonna be right here in the palm of my hand.
Who the hell are you? I'm Lightning Bill in from San Francisco, I've got some information for you.
- What is it? - The tycoons, they've hired a bounty hunter.
Who? Lord Bowler? Brisco County.
You idiot, he's dead! Brisco County Jr.
A son, seeking revenge for the death of the father.
I love it! You may leave now, Lightning Bill.
- It's my pleasure, Mr Bly, it's been a real honor- - Get out! - I'm going.
- Oh, Bill be very careful on the way out.
Stay to your left.
Thank-you sir.
[distant screaming.]
Did I say left? I meant right! Now, you go take care of Junior - You mean kill him.
- That's right.
- We're going to get Brisco in Frisco - How? Use the scarred-foot clan.
But the scarred-foot clan, they they hate us.
Exactly.
It's amazing how good a bath feels when you haven't had one for two or three weeks.
I wouldn't know Something wrong? Yes! We are not getting off to a very good start here.
Certainly your time in jail won't be recoupable against your guarantee.
Relax, the day and a half wasn't wasted.
Now where's that newspaper I had in there? Hopefully burned along with all your clothes.
Ah, here it is.
Now listen to this: - Jonah Collier's column, you ever read it? - Never.
Well, I don't blame you.
He refers to you here as "Thorogood's lapdog".
What? Let me see that! Don't be so sensitive.
Calm down.
It's about Bly's escape.
Um, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah-blah-blah - "how anyone can drive a train into a giant painted rock with scenery on it no more believable than the backdrops down at the Horseshoe Club!" So? So how many scenic painters could there be around here? Maybe we should go down to the Horseshoe Club and talk to this guy.
Is this the kind of deductive reasoning you learned at Harvard? No, at Harvard we mainly learned drinking songs and how to unsnap a woman's- [knocking at door.]
- Who's that? Maybe it's Comet.
Oh, I see: you've taught him some manners.
Now at least he knocks before he enters.
No, actually it's my room service order.
Must be some kind of mistake - I didn't order Chinese.
Brisco! Help! Hand me the gun.
I can't reach.
Then shoot him.
- I can't! - Then shoot me and put me out of my misery.
Ah! My hands are slipping! Don't worry, I've got a good grip on your belt.
Are you okay? I appear to be uninjured if that is what you mean.
But I am not "okay" in the sense that I approve or consent to what just occurred.
Sorry I asked.
Who were those people anyway? Your guess as good as mine.
No it's not, and I'm distressed that you think that it is.
You know Socrates, you really need to develop a personality for the times when you're not in court.
What's that? One of those tongs wore this around his neck.
It's a cheap Chinatown trinket.
The city's full of them.
Do me a favor Socrates - go on down to the Horseshoe Club and see what information you can dig up on the guy who paints their backdrops.
Where are you going? Chinatown.
Hello? Can I help you? Yeah, I need some information.
Of course! Anything you want.
Information is free.
Oh, good.
There's something that I found that I want to show you- Wait! Perhaps you want to buy something first, so you don't feel like you're taking advantage of me.
How much is that? Twenty bucks.
You're right: now I don't feel so guilty over all this "free" information I'm about to get.
And I need a receipt for that.
- A receipt? - Yeah Never mind it's just more work for me! Where did you get this? You recognise it.
What does it mean? Just remembered.
We're closed! - Wha? - We're closed! Take your music box and go! It's Chinese holiday.
- There's no Chinese holiday.
- It's a little known Chinese holiday! - Oooh, look! - What? Hey, hey hey hey! The charm! Open the door.
Hey! Where are you? I want my charm back.
And I want that receipt too! Chinatown.
[speaking Chinese.]
- This is the man Big Smith sent.
- Huh? Big Smith hired him to seek us out and destroy us.
What are you talking about? No no no no, wait, you got the wrong- Silence.
We are the scarred foot clan.
No kidding.
We exist only to fight the tyrany of Big Smith.
Good, that puts us on the same- I said mòtò! We train to battle men like you.
At least you will give one of my warriors some valuable experience.
Stop! Where did you get this gun? Who wants to know? I am Lee Pow.
And who are you? I am my father's son.
Brisco County Junior?! [Estatic Chinese.]
I carved this handle myself in gratitude of a great favor your father once did for me.
Now you must avenge his death.
No Lee Pow, not avenge his death.
Complete his work.
Looks like I start with Big Smith.
Big Smith is the first tentacle of John Bly's empire.
He and his gang control a vast slave trade of Chinese workers.
Where's Big Smith now? Somewhere in the mountains, I don't know where.
There is something else that you should know: Four workers recently fled from one of Big Smith's chain gangs.
While blasting for a tunnel they they discovered something.
Something strange, something mysterious - a metallic orb.
They said when they touched this orb, they felt an energy, a mystical power, a sense of a greater force.
It gave them the strength to set themselves free.
I need a lead, a clue, some place to start.
Dixie Cousins, Big Smith's girlfriend.
She lives somewhere in this town, I think.
Dixie Cousins.
- Thanks Lee Pow.
- Good luck.
And don't forget: The spirit of your father guides you.
[mutters in Chinese.]
Backdrop painter is named Owens.
Quit about a month ago, left town, never came back.
That's about the time of the train escape.
So what did you learn? That Bly's right-hand-man Big Smith has a girlfriend named Dixie Cousins.
Let me have two whiskeys - Off the top shelf.
And, that she may be here in town.
- That's it? - Well, it's a start.
Oh, I need a receipt for that.
What's so funny? I'm sorry, but this is a huge city.
How on Earth are you going to find this woman - go knocking door-to-door? Be realistic my dear Brisco, Dixie Cousins is not going to just fall from the sky into your lap.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the incomparable- Dixie Cousins! Not exactly in my lap, but close enough.
# I looked around the country and I've seen it all # And what I want, I'm ready to name # It's big and strong and handsome and it's six feet tall # I'm going to file my claim # I struck a real bonanza, and he's rough and rich # But what he's got, I'm ready to tame # He's worth a fancy fortune, but it's not in cash.
# I'm going to file my claim - You're a sweet little thing.
- Stop it! Come on baby, gimme just one little kiss.
Sorry about that.
Where did you learn how to throw a punch like that? Catholic school.
That was going to be my first guess.
- You okay? - Oh sure, it's just my nose.
Now that other fella, he may have a hard time riding home tonight.
# I'm going to file my claim Hmmm, what a mensch.
Can't these saddle-tramps keep their hands to themselves? Look at me.
Look at how I'm dressed.
Do I look like somebody that wants to be pawed and fondled? - Well, I- - No! The answer is no.
Dad! Amanda!? I've been looking for you.
It's time for us to go.
- But the show just started.
- The second show.
But I came all the way to San Francisco just to see her sing! The second show, on the second night.
Let's go.
You have everything: your glasses, your pills, your notebook, your pocketwatch? Yes.
No.
Forgot it.
Never use it.
What would I do without her? Professor Albert Wickwire.
- Chemist, physicist, experimentalist.
- Hi.
C'mon dad.
Bye! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! # Who's going to help me? Help, help me # Who's going to help me file my claim tonight? Woo, woo, woo! Lawyers.
Whoa, whoa.
Heya! Evening, ma'am.
All aboard! What on earth are you doing? - That's larceny! - Wha? You just took that man's ticket and his case.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Oh, make sure Comet gets a green apple for breakfast - he'll love you for life.
He-ya! Excuse me, I'm looking for Comet.
Ah.
I couldn't find green, you'll have to settle for red.
I'm sorry, it was the best I could do.
Oh please, an apple's an apple.
The color is immaterial.
- Where's Brisco? - Huh? Who said that? Me, Comet.
- A talking horse, huh? - Yeah I can talk, what's wrong with that? Nothing, nothing, nothing, more power to you I say.
So where's Brisco, where's my master? I really need to find him, it's very important.
I'm sorry, that's privileged information, "Comet".
Or should I say, "Lord Bowler"? Yeah, well, you ain't as stupid as you look, Poole.
I see you've escaped, Bowler.
So much for the virtues of our criminal justice system.
Where's County? That's for me to know, and you to find out.
You little law-book reading, robber baron butt-kissing, Brisco hiding sissy! You tell me! Why don't you ask Comet, the talking horse? That's the best idea you've ever had, counsellor.
I'm starting to like that stuff! [drunken laughter.]
Have we reached the mountains yet? Oh, I was just getting I mean, we're almost there.
Did you sleep well, Miss Cousins? No, not really.
I hate sleeping alone.
Oh, you're not alone.
I've been here all the while.
- You miss my point Mister - Merryweather.
Rosco Merryweather.
What's in the sample case, Rosco? Let's take a look.
- Oh my! - Very fancy.
Oh, I'd love to sample this one.
What's it for? They're for grooming animals large animals.
Zoo animals.
You mean like lions and tigers? - That's right.
- Sounds like dangerous work.
Well ma'am I don't actually do the grooming, I just sell the brushes But enough about me.
Tell me where you're headed.
- To trouble.
I'm going to start some.
- How's that? That's between me and my boyfriend.
And he's waiting for me at the next stop.
Very fancy.
# She'll be coming, coming, coming coming coming # 'round that old mountain when she comes when she comes # she'll be coming, coming coming coming round that old mountain when she comes Shut up Pete! # When she comes [drunken laughter.]
- Pickle! - Ha ha ha ha! What's happening? Looks like we lost our drivers.
- The stage is out of control.
- Oy! What do we do now? Well I could swing out, get a good foothold and climb up to the top of the stage.
Then, if I'm real careful (and God is on my side) I could leap onto the back of the rear horse and work my way up to the lead team - taking care not to fall beneath their thundering hooves - then reach out, grab the bridle of the lead horse, and reign them into to a safe and steady stop.
- Oh my! - Or - we could jump.
- Oh! Oh my! Your dress is caught in my fly.
- I'll get that for you- - Oh, no, no no, it's okay, I got it.
Hiya Dix.
Have a nice trip? Not bad, all things considered.
- You got what I need? - Don't I always? Who's your friend? Allow me to introduce somebody calling himself Rosco Merryweather.
Rosco, this is Big Smith.
That's Peter Hutter and this is some of Big's gang.
My pleasure.
Yeah, nice knowing you too.
You can shoot him now Pete.
You're going to kill him? You used my name, Dix.
You know the rules.
Dixie.
I'm kinda a stickler for gun safety.
Could ya move a little to the left? Don't you get it? He's somebody.
Sorry Dixie, existential thought doesn't hold much water out here in the territories.
Dixie's right.
I'm not really Rosco Merrydoodle.
- Merryweather.
- Ah, yeah, Merryweather.
It's Wiley Stafford.
I'm an outlaw on the run.
Kansas Wiley Stafford? Do I know you? Oh, no sir! Who is he? He's one crazy-mean son-of-a-buck, that's who he is.
I seen him kill five men in Dodge City saloon nigh on two years ago.
Five on one, and he killed them all.
'Course I had my snoot in the sawdust to keep my head from being blowed off.
I knew it.
Kansas Wiley Stafford.
Where are you from, Kansas? Answer the man! I'm from Kansas.
Please Big can we keep him? "Can we keep him?" Sure Dixie, we can keep him.
He saved your life, didn't he? Mount up, Kansas.
You're riding with us.
Something tells me you and me are going to be the best of friends.
Welcome to Southern Creek.
Five years ago the gold ran dry.
Now the sheriff's dead, the mayor runs a brothel and the minister's a drunk.
My kinda town.
Come on Kansas, let me buy you a drink.
It's quite a hat you have there, Big.
You're looking at $3,000 real money.
You know that old expression "he's got a price on his head?" Well in my case it's the truth.
You'd have to kill me to get that hat, Kansas.
Now why would I want to do that? Tell me something Kansas, in all your travels, you ever run across a cowboy by the name of Brisco County Junior? Can't say that I have.
Oh, wait a minute.
He's a US Marshal or something like that? No, that's the father.
I'm talking about his son.
Oh, sorry.
I'm drawing a blank.
I ain't too concerned about the father any more.
He's dead.
- 'That so? - And not only that, I'm the one who killed him.
Well, me and twelve others, to be exact.
We drilled him so full of holes he looked like a cheese.
He had it coming.
The man was a craven coward.
A pox-ridden squaw lover, and a card-cheating drunk.
You sure you never heard of his son? Nope.
And now I hope I never do.
Thanks for the drink, Big.
I'd like to send this by telegraph to San Francisco.
- What is this, Spanish? - Latin.
Hold it.
You misspelled that word.
Send it again.
- Oh, here, let me help you.
- It's okay, I've got it.
It's you.
From the bar.
Look, no permanent damage.
What are you doing, Kansas? We're all down at the bar.
Why don't you hurry back before somebody misses you? Are you with these people? Stupid fool! He's sorry.
It was an accident.
Apologise dad.
My golly, what a mess.
Sorry.
Mind giving me a hand? You're about to have a religious experience, Grandpa.
How's that? You're gonna see Jesus! Pete - Put the gun down.
They say I'm the fastest draw west of the Colorado.
You care to try me, Kansas? I don't know.
I'm not that good at geography.
My God, he touched Pete's piece! - Nobody touches Pete's piece.
- You're touching my piece, Kansas.
The man apologised.
Forget about it.
Forget about it? You mean, rip it from my memory like a picture from a book? Picture of a small boy, kinda shy, with big ears who only wanted to be liked? And the laughing faces of his classmates mocking him because he forgot to wear his pants to school! Is that what you mean?! - You lost me Pete.
- I'm calling you out Kansas.
You don't wanna do that.
You touched Pete's piece.
That's something you don't wanna do with Pete.
It's done.
Outside.
Kansas - Wiley Stafford - just touched Pete's piece! - This is crazy, it was an accident.
- Amanda, take your father and get back inside.
- All right, all right, 5 bucks on the new guy.
- I'll take 5 bucks.
Ready? Pride comes before a fall, Pete.
So does an ounce of lead in the brainpan.
- Well, it was nice knowing him.
- Which one? Ain't in Kansas any more Kansas.
- Good God! - Good riddance.
Nice work Kansas.
You just killed my four best men: Pete, and Scratchy, and those other two.
I'm sorry Big, I guess I was just thinking of myself.
Hey, what's done is done, huh? Bravo young man! Did you employ vector calculations or did you simply estimate the incidental angle of the bullets' trajectories? Well actually I just sorta shut my eyes and hit the dirt.
- Not bad.
- Thanks.
- Nice work, Kansas.
- Di- Di- Dixie! Dixie Cousins! I don't believe it! - Horseshoe club, San Francisco.
- Ah, a fan! - Are you playing here in town? - Why yes, but only in private.
Well, I'm sure Miss Cousins is anxious to try out her act.
Let's go dad.
Bye bye! Amanda, wait a minute.
I think you've got the wrong idea.
Forget about her.
She's got no use for the outlaw breed.
And those that tried make up their own soprano chior.
Dixie, don't wait up for me.
I got a lot of work to do.
You like the bed? It comes from France.
- Louis XIV? - No I think Louis was the 9th or 10th.
But then a lady never counts.
Oh? Then what are those notches on your bedpost? Just a few scratches that occurred during shipping.
You know, I get all my best ideas in bed.
Like what? Taking over Big Smith's gang? Kansas, I am surprised at you.
You think that I think that small? Oh, but Big is pretty big, isn't he? Big is big alright.
But there are those who are bigger.
Like John Bly.
- How did you know Bly's involved? - Involved in what? Boy, we really are doing a dance here, aren't we Kansas? I knew you'd be a good partner.
I can't dance without music Dixie.
I think it's time for you to sing.
- There's a train coming through tomorrow.
- A gold train? Maybe.
What's Big Smith's plan? He's working on the railroad while someone's in the kitchen with Dixie.
- The railroad where? - South.
How far? Pretty far.
Over the hill, and down through the valley.
Any more questions? [hammer blows.]
Someone's working on the railroad.
Keep 'em working, the spur's gotta be done tonight! [snoring.]
- What is it? - I dunno, someone was watching us! Well, get 'em! Go! That's it, come on! Come on boy! - What are you doing here? - Don't ask any questions, just play along.
You want something? Didn't mean to disturb you Kansas, or anything, but But? Sorry Kansas.
He-ya! - Hey! Kansas! - Yes sir? Let me show you what I've been working on.
Excuse us Amanda.
A rocket.
It's beautiful.
The coming thing.
- What? - Nothing.
- I know what you're thinking: that she'll never fly.
- Of course she will.
If it doesn't blow up first; the last three did.
Fourth time is a charm.
You know, in the future- Rockets will chart the stars.
That's right.
You're right.
He's right, you know.
- Nitrocellulose for propulsion.
- That's what I'm trying.
Of course the problem is containing the rate of combustion.
Exactly.
And then, we've got to worry about stabilization.
That's why I'm working with this set of fins.
You know, you might try four instead of two.
It increases the friction, but you minimize your central axis rotation.
Ah, that's very interesting.
Kansas, stay for dinner.
We have so much to discuss.
I can't, there's going to be a train robbery.
See dad? He can't stay because he's got to get back and rob a train.
I'm not robbing it, I'm trying to stop it.
They're going to divert a gold train onto a spur right here on the main line.
What are you doing after that? - You're not an outlaw.
- No.
Then who are you? - Brisco County.
- Is that where you're from? No ma'am, that's who I am.
Where did you go? I was looking forward to breakfast in bed.
Sorry Dixie, I'm an early riser.
Well now, lookie who we found snooping around last night.
Lord Bowler.
Had some pretty interesting things to tell me too.
Such as Brisco County Jr is hot on our trail.
Maybe he's right here in town.
Maybe he's right here in this room.
Well is he Bowler? Point him out to me.
- You see him? - Nah.
Lyin' half-breed.
Bring in the horse.
Where's Brisco Comet? Find Brisco.
That's what I thought you'd say.
But maybe you better check one more time.
Uh-uh, Brisco first.
Hey Comet, how you been? - I knew you were too good to be true.
- Some days it pays to stay in bed.
Well boys, we gotta run.
We've got a train to catch.
Of course, it's going to catch you first! - Thanks for not giving me away.
- Don't be thanking me for nothin'.
Last thing I want is for you to be beholden to me.
Why didn't you kill Smith when you had the chance? Because it's bigger than Big Smith.
John Bly's coming here to rob a train.
What train? [train whistles.]
[train whistles.]
- Oh.
That train.
- Comet! - There's the nag that got us into this scrape.
My only hope now is that I splatter my internal organs all over your stupid face.
Shut up, he can help us.
He can bite through the ropes.
He can? You mean he's done this before? Well, no, but it's worth a try isn't it? You got any better ideas? Okay, okay, get on with it.
Come here boy, come on over here.
Come on boy.
Come on Comet.
Go go go! There you go.
Good boy! Good! You do have an affinity or we's gonna get a cow catcher up the rear.
Okay Comet, bite the ropes.
Bite through the ropes.
- Me first Comet, me first.
- Hey hey, don't confuse my horse.
It is every man for hisself County.
Me first Comet, I'll show you a place with so many green apples they grow on whole trees! Comet! Comet!!!! Good boy! Good boy, that's it! - Ha! - County!? Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up.
Hurry up! Hurry up! Thank-you Lord, thank-you Brisco.
Thanks Comet.
And just for your information: all apples grow on trees.
- Brisco, untie me.
- I got a train to catch - But what about me? - I'll come back for ya.
What are you doing, that train went that way! What about me? I need your rocket.
Now.
I don't know why I never thought of this; it would have been perfect for early propulsion tests.
What exactly is your plan? I either catch that train or be in Denver for lunch.
Try the omelette; I hear it's great! - Brisco? - Can't talk now Amanda.
Light the fuse.
If you don't mind, I think we're going to step back a bit.
It works! But it needs brakes.
Brisco? Damn! - It's going too fast! - Let's go! There's no brakes! No fuel! - Here's the gold, just like Bly promised! - Whoo! What's this? Hey Big, what's "youpho" mean? Open it and find out! - Woa, would you look at that.
- It's incredible.
Big; Big, get over here.
Hey, get away from that! Do we get to take it? Bly said: take everything.
County! Open that door! Open that door! Either untie us or do something, this here's a runaway train.
An we're running out of track.
Now I've got too many brakes! - Oh, County.
- I'm terribly sorry Mr Thorogood.
It's alright Gordon, I can handle it.
If you're looking for your bounty, you've come to the wrong department.
See Mr Poole.
No, I'm here on another matter.
I'm all ears.
When did you go into partnership with John Bly? - I beg your pardon? - You heard me.
My hearing's fine.
It's your reasoning that seems impaired.
This is your cane, isn't it Thorogood? It's very distinctive.
Do you use it often? On occasion.
What about the night you passed the gold train schedule on to Dixie Cousins? - I see where you're going with this.
- Should I continue? Please do.
You have me on the edge of my chair.
Your train was carrying more than gold back to Washington.
It also carried an object known as "the orb".
That's correct.
So what? The government owns it.
They claimed it.
They're taking it to the Smithsonian for study.
But you wanted it for yourself, so you went into partnership with Bly.
You tipped him off to the train schedule so he could rob it.
He gets the gold, you get the orb, and Washington would never know you had it.
Why are you wasting my time with all of this? You seem to have it all figured out.
Except one thing: why do you want it? What's so important about the orb? Why don't you ask the coolies who found it? They took one of the rods out of the orb, and it gave them each the strength of a dozen men.
Hard to believe, isn't it? Incredible, huh? But it's true, I know it's true, because I tried it myself.
- You did what? - I tried it- myself.
It's like the kick of a mule, isn't it Mr County? I feel like I'm 22 again.
You're a fool Thorogood.
You've tampered with powers you don't even understand.
Looks like the partnership's been dissolved.
Quite a mystery with this orb.
Consider: it gave freedom to the Chinese labourers, yet it took Thorogood's life.
Don't you find that paradoxical? I don't know Socrates, but I'll tell you this: - the matter deserves further study.
- I agree.
Oh, by the way: I like the new look.
What look? No tie.
You're not wearing any tie.
Oh, yes, right.
I'm adopting your suggestion to develop a personality for outside the courtroom.
I'm also thinking of dropping my g's, as in "I'll be waitin' for ya Brisc.
" Did you notice I called you Brisc? Something else I'm thinking of doing: giving people affectionate nicknames.
So, whadya think? - Well, it's a step in the right direction.
- Uh huh.
Now, where are you going? You've still got a job to do.
There's someone I need to talk to.
Don't worry, I'll be back.
Be waitin' for ya, Brisc! Hello Dad.
This is tough work you used to do.
I don't know how you did it.
This first one almost killed me, and I've got twelve more to go.
Maybe it gets easier as you go along, huh? I guess not.
Well, you had one hell of a funeral Dad.
Governors from three states and two territories showed up.
I'm sorry I missed it.
I'm sorry I missed a lot of things.
But I am going to finish the job you started.
You can count on that.
John Bly has to be caught.
I hope you're looking out for me up there.
I can use all the help I can get.
Okay, take it easy.
I'm done.
Come on Comet, we've got a long ride ahead of us.