The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (1984) s01e01 Episode Script
A Scandal In Bohemia
Psst! Got you! Now look here But mum! Close the window, John.
To Sherlock Holmes, she was always "the woman," the beautiful Irene Adler of dubious and questionable memory.
At the time of our involvement in the Irene Adler case, Holmes and I had been sharing rooms in Baker Street for some years.
My practice had caused me to be absent in the country for several days.
As usual, after leaving Holmes for any length of time, I returned filled with apprehension as to his mood.
Oh! Oh, hello, Mrs.
Hudson.
Dr.
Watson, just look at you, half soaked to the skin! Yes, well, I am not surprised, I have just spent 20 minutes standing in the pouring rain waiting for a cab.
It won't do that old wound of yours any good getting so wet, Doctor.
I know.
I'll just take this coat and your hat and see that they're properly dried.
Mrs.
Hudson, I haven't eaten all day.
I do hope supper will be up very soon.
That's very doubtful.
I don't know what's come over Mr.
Holmes, he seems to be all on edge.
I'm not to bring up supper until I'm called.
Those are his orders.
Thank you, Mrs.
Hudson.
My dear Holmes, what is it tonight, morphine or cocaine? Well, I can strongly recommend a seven percent solution of cocaine.
Would you care to try it? No, indeed! I speak not only as your friend, but as a medical man.
How can you risk such damage to the great powers with which you have been endowed?! I cannot tell you how it clarifies and stimulates the mind.
Yes, and destroys it in time! My mind rebels at stagnation.
Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram, the most intricate analysis, and I'm in my proper atmosphere.
Then I can dispense with artificial stimulants.
But I abhor the dull routine of existence.
I crave mental exultation.
That is why I have chosen my own profession, or rather created it, for I am the only one in the world.
The only unofficial detective.
The only unofficial consulting detective.
I take no credit in my cases.
The work itself, the pleasure of finding a field for my particular powers is my highest reward.
You can close that drawer.
You have made the wrong diagnosis, Doctor! I have my stimulant here.
I hope you enjoyed your week in the country.
It was good for the appetite.
Incidentally, I do wish you would ring for supper.
What is this? Yes, I must get ready for my visitor.
It came by the morning post.
Give me your observations.
Well, it's undated and without either signature or address.
Good, read it aloud.
"Dear Mr.
Holmes: There will call upon you tonight at a quarter to eight a gentleman who"-- good heavens, we've only a few minutes, Holmes.
Go on.
"A gentleman who desires to consult with you upon a matter of the very deepest moment.
Your recent services to one of the royal houses of Europe have shown that you are one who may be safely trusted with matters which are of an importance which can hardly be exaggerated.
This account of you we have from all quarters received, be in your chamber then.
" Good--good heavens, this is a mystery, indeed.
What do you imagine it means? I have no data yet.
It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data.
Mm.
But the note itself, what do you deduce from it? It's a man's writing.
Good.
Presumably well-to-do, it's expensive paper, this.
It's peculiarly strong and stiff.
Peculiar, that is the very word.
It is not English paper at all.
Hold it up to the light.
Ah, large E, small g, large P, and G with a small t woven into the texture.
And that is? Maker's monogram.
Excellent, Watson! Come along! Let us consult our continental gazetteer.
Your cigars; you see, I was not unmindful of your return.
Oh, Holmes! Would you care for some whiskey? Later, perhaps, when we've eaten.
The monogram is an abbreviation for Papier Gesellschaft, which is the German for "paper company.
" And the Eg, Eglow, Eglonitz, Egria, a German-speaking district of Bohemia noted for its numerous glass factories and paper mills, there.
Bohemia, the kingdom of Bohemia.
And the note is written by a German.
You see, "this account of you we have from all quarters received," only a German is so uncourteous to his words.
So we are to expect a German from Bohemia.
Here he is, drawn by a pair, a nice little brougham.
There's money in this case, Watson, if there's nothing else.
Holmes, I think your visitor will want me out of the way.
Not a bit, Doctor, stay where you are! I am lost without my Boswell.
But he sounded so secretive.
I may need your help, and so may he.
Now, stay in that armchair, and give me your full attention.
Here he comes.
I'm sorry, sir, but you cannot come in here unannounced like this! Mr.
Holmes does not see anybody without appointment! Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.
Holmes! There was nothing I could do! It's perfectly all right, Mrs.
Hudson! If you would kindly leave us.
Yes.
And close the door.
Of course.
Thank you.
You read my note? Yes.
Pray take a seat! This is my friend and colleague, Dr.
Watson, who is occasionally good enough to help me in my cases! How do you do, sir.
Who do I have the honor to address? You may address me as the Count Von Kramm, a Bohemian nobleman.
I should much prefer to communicate with you alone.
No, it is both, or none.
You may say before this gentleman anything which you may wish to say to me.
Very well, I take your word that he is a man of honor and discretion.
But I must begin by binding you both to absolute secrecy for a period of two years.
Indeed? At the end of that time the matter will be of no importance.
At present it is of such weight that it may have an influence upon European history.
I promise.
And I.
You will excuse this mask.
The august person who employs me wishes his agent to be unknown to you.
In fact, I may confess that the title I have given you is not exactly my own.
I was aware of that.
The circumstances are of great delicacy; every precaution must be taken to prevent an immense scandal which would seriously compromise one of the royal houses of Europe.
To speak plainly, the matter concerns the great House of Ormstein, hereditary kings of Bohemia.
I was aware of that, too, your Majesty.
You are right I am the King.
Why should I attempt to conceal it? Why, indeed? Your Majesty had not spoken before I was aware that I was addressing Wilhelm Gottsreich Sigismond von Ormstein, Grand Duke of Cassel-Felstein, and hereditary King of Bohemia.
And in passing, the finest dualist in Europe.
You have killed four opponents.
Honorably.
Of course.
The facts are briefly these: Ah! Some 10 years ago, during a lengthy visit to Warsaw, I made the acquaintance of the well known adventuress, Irene Adler.
The name is no doubt familiar to you.
Kindly look her up in my index, will you, Watson.
So, I deduce that your Majesty became entangled with this lady, wrote her some compromising letters, and is now desirous of getting them back.
Precisely so.
But how could you know that? Italian general's staff Ah, Adler, Irene, born New Jersey, 1858.
Is this the lady? New Jersey, let me see.
Singer, contralto appeared at La Scala, opera houses Petersburg and Warsaw, retired from the operatic stage, now living in London, makes occasional concert appearances.
That is the lady.
Was there a secret marriage? None.
No legal papers or certificates? None.
Then I fail to follow your Majesty.
If this person should produce your letters for blackmailing or other purposes, how is she to prove their authenticity? There is the writing.
Pooh, pooh! Forgery.
My private writing paper.
Stolen.
My own seal.
Imitated.
My photograph.
Bought.
We were both in that photograph.
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
Yes, that is very bad.
Your Majesty has certainly committed an indiscretion.
She was beautiful, bewitching, clever, daring.
I was only Crown Prince then.
I was young! I am but 30 now.
Of course, your Majesty has attempted to recover the photograph? We have tried and failed.
Then your Majesty must pay.
It must be bought.
She will not sell.
Stolen, then.
Five attempts have been made.
Twice burglars in my pay ransacked her house.
Once we diverted her luggage when she traveled.
Twice she has been waylaid.
There has been no sign of it.
You mock?! It is serious! Yes.
Yes, it is very serious, indeed.
Well, what does she propose to do with this photograph if not to extort money? To ruin me.
How? I'm about to be married.
So I've heard.
To the Princess Clotilde Lothman von Saxe-Meningen, and second daughter to the King of Scandinavia.
It is a brilliant match.
Precisely.
But you will know the strict principles of her family.
She's herself the soul of delicacy.
A shadow of doubt as to my conduct would bring the matter to an end.
And Irene Adler? Threatens to send them the photograph.
And she will do it.
She has a soul of steel.
She's more beautiful than any other woman I've known, more resolute than any man.
There are no lengths to which she would not go, none, to prevent my marriage to another woman! Your Majesty, why is this lady so vindictive? Oh, there was once some talk of marriage.
Ha! She would not see that it was impossible! You are sure that she has not sent the photograph yet? I am sure.
Why? It may be on its way at this very moment.
Because she has said that she would send it on the day when the betrothal was publicly proclaimed.
That will be next Monday.
But I must leave London on Friday to be home for the ceremony.
Ah, then we do have three days.
Well, that is very fortunate, for I do have other matters in hand.
Where can I find your Majesty in London? At the Langham Hotel, as the Count Von Kramm, remember.
Yes, of course.
And as to expenditure? Here are 300 pounds in gold, and 700 in notes.
And Miss Irene Adler's address? Goodnight, your Majesty, and I trust we shall soon have good news for you.
Holmes, we can dine at Romano's, but we only have three days, till Friday.
Oh, it must be settled by Friday.
The composer Tchaikovsky is conducting his own works at the St.
James's Hall.
No, no, no, no! It must be settled by Friday.
My dear Watson, I'd like to be alone.
You are hungry? Yes.
I'm sure Mrs.
Hudson will bring you up a sandwich.
A sandwich? We will not discuss this matter until tomorrow afternoon.
Goodnight.
Better than working, isn't it, mate? What is? Looking on.
I'll change with you any time, gov.
And what position are you? Eight weeks, a mere first-class groom.
Are ya? Well, you can give me a hand if you like.
I see you're all right.
Why not? Give her the price of the booze.
I thought it was the booze.
Strap the mare, show us what you can do.
I spent a couple of hours with the cabbie and his cronies.
Miss Irene Adler has certainly turned all men's heads in those parts.
She is the daintiest thing under a bonnet on this planet, so say the Serpentine-mews fraternity, to a man.
She lives quietly, drives out at five in the evening, returns at seven sharp for dinner.
Seldom goes out at other times, except when she sings.
She has only one male visitor, but sees a good deal of him.
He never calls less than once a day, and often twice.
His name is a Mr.
Godfrey Norton, of the Inner Temple.
You see the advantages of having a cabman as a confidant.
Mr.
Godfrey Norton is a lawyer, that is important.
Ominous, perhaps.
Why his repeated visits? Is she his client, friend, or mistress? If he is her lawyer, he might have the photograph to his strong box.
If her lover, he might not even know of it.
She had just begun to sing, she has the voice of an angel, Watson, when a truly surprising chain of events overtook me, starting with the arrival of someone I presumed to be Mr.
Godfrey Noble.
Wait for me, will you.
Fetch your mistress's carriage.
Drive like the devil, Church of St.
Monica, Edgeware Road.
I must arrive there at least five minutes before 12:00.
That gives you 20 minutes.
Half a guinea if you do it.
She is a lovely woman, Watson, with a face that a man might die for.
A face a man might die for-- unusual language for you, Holmes.
A metaphor, Watson, nothing else.
I was just about to sprint after the landau and perch on the back when another cab came through the street.
He looked twice at such a shabby fare, but I jumped in before he had time to object, showed him a handful of sovereigns and promised him one if he would get me to the Church of St.
Monica within 20 minutes.
Now, I don't think that I have ever been driven faster in a cab.
They were there before us.
Look, I'm very sorry, Mr.
Norton, but l-- For pity sake, it's almost midday.
The latest time allowed by law.
I would have called in one of those confounded churchmen but I saw no reason to let them know our business and I sent them off for a drink.
Oh, dear Lord! Godfrey.
You, you, come here, man! Yes, I mean you! We've only a few minutes left or it won't be legal! Come man, come! Hold this and do as you're told.
You'll be paid.
Ah, we have our witness.
The ceremony may proceed.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony which is an honorable estate instituted of God in the time of man's innocency, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his church.
Irene.
I allowed you to persuade me, now you must allow me to persuade you.
I shall see you tomorrow.
At the very first moment.
I love you.
John.
Hey, you! Come here, my man.
Come here.
Godfrey, let me.
Sir, I want to thank you for being so miraculously present when we needed you.
How fortunate that you have remained close by.
Well, I'm in no hurry, mum.
I hope you will accept this.
I don't need no tip, mum.
Oh, sir, let us call it a little souvenir.
She gave me a sovereign.
Here it is.
What an extraordinary turn of events! I shall wear it on my watch chain in memory of the occasion.
And what now? Well, during the ceremony I thought my plans had been overthrown.
If they had made an immediate departure, it would have necessitated the most prompt and energetic measures on my part.
But, he went back to the Temple, and she went to her own home, thus, giving us time to act.
How? Doctor, I shall require all your courage and alertness.
I shall be delighted! You don't mind breaking the law? Not in the least.
Nor running the chance of arrest? Not in a good cause.
Oh, the cause is excellent.
Well, then I am your man.
Splendid.
Now, the-- the question is-- Holmes, you really do look quite remarkable! You know, the question is where to find the photograph.
I mean, the house has twice been burgled.
She was too clever for them.
She is a remarkable woman.
Well, they must have searched very thoroughly.
They did not know how to look! And how will you look? I shall not look.
What then? I will allow her to show me.
But she'll refused.
She will not be able to.
Ah, we draw near the scene of action.
We had better walk from here.
You know your instructions.
When you raise your hand, I act.
And we meet at the rendezvous in 10 minutes.
Here she comes.
Oh, no, you don't.
I was here first.
I opened the door, lady.
He never, no, it was me! Clear off, you two! Let-me-go! Opening carriage doors is a legitimate means of livelihood, Mr.
[inaudible.]
.
You ain't gonna stop a man earning a copper, see.
Let me pass.
You there, let go of my coachman! Take the bread from me mouth, would 'ya? I'll fill your mouth, chum.
Oh! Oh, no, no, please, please don't, men, please, I beg you, please I beg of you! Madam, I must protect you! Now stop that, you and you, stop that.
Oh! Stand back! You see what you've done! He's dead! Scamper, mate, before the coppers come! He's still breathing, but he's taken a bad knock.
I am sorry, ma'am.
You did your best, John.
Is he badly hurt? It is only superficial, but he needs attention, quickly.
But he can't lie on the street.
Bring him into the house.
All right, sir.
Oh, you're conscious.
Thank goodness, you are a brave man.
Over here, Willot.
No, no, stand back, I shall look after my friend in need.
Sir, will you look toward me.
Oh, it is no sight for a lady.
I have strong nerves, dear friend.
No, no, I cannot permit.
Thank you.
A bandage.
As you wish.
I'm so relieved that your wound isn't serious.
Well, it is but shallow, and the concussion wears off.
How extraordinary.
Madam? That so many people should gather in such a quiet little turning.
Well, it's the gang, madam, it was all pre-arranged to rob you.
All those men to snatch one little purse.
Oh, no, dear friend, it wouldn't have paid them.
My vocation takes me much amongst the poor and even the criminal classes, madam.
Look at those people staring, curiosity is so unseemly, but I fear universal.
Oh, I am so sorry, I think I'm going to faint.
Oh, air, I need some air! Willot, the window1 Oh! Some drinking water.
Are there any smelling salts? Madam, madam, I think I can smell fire.
What? Fire, fire! Fire, fire, fire! There's a fire, is there? Madam, come out of here quickly! I'll take care of the old gentleman! I can't breathe.
It's a false alarm! It's a false alarm, look! It's a trick, it's a-- tell them--tell them! There's a fire! It's a false alarm, do you hear? We do not need the fire engine! What is it? It is a plumber's rocket, madam, one of my flock is a plumber.
It is ignited by a cap, and sends smoke into pipes to betray cracks and holes.
No, no, no, no, no, it's all right.
It will disperse.
You said it was a trick.
Who would play such a trick on me? One of the gang, madam.
But to what purpose? I've escaped them.
Revenge.
Revenge? Are there such wicked people? There are people in this world, madam, to whom revenge is in itself a reward.
I cannot imagine such feelings.
I'm sure you cannot, madam.
Well, I am feeling more myself.
I must be on my way.
Oh, please stay, some refreshment.
Well, one of my flock expects me.
Won't you let my carriage take you? Oh, no, no, no, the air will aid my recovery.
At least your name, your address, that I may thank you adequately.
Well, I am just a humble servant, madam, of the all seeing providence.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
You did it very nicely, Doctor.
You have the photograph? No, but I know where it is.
How did you find out? She showed me, as I told you she would.
The trouble is, it still remains in her possession.
You may have lost your one chance, Holmes.
No.
I shall call early tomorrow morning.
You'll call there? And as my own self, and with the King.
The King?! And with you, Watson! You must be a witness at the end of our quest.
I trust you will sleep well tonight for a change, Holmes.
Well, there's nothing like success for curing insomnia.
Goodnight, Mr.
Sherlock Holmes, and Watson.
Holmes? But she could not love him.
I am in hopes that she does.
Why? Because it would spare your Majesty all fear of future annoyance.
If she loves her husband, then she does not love your Majesty.
And if she does not love your Majesty, why should she interfere with your Majesty's marriage.
Mr.
Sherlock Holmes, I believe.
I am Mr.
Holmes.
My mistress told me you were likely to call.
She left this morning with her husband by the 5:15 train from Charing Cross for the Continent.
She has left England? Never to return, sir.
All is lost.
Well then, get at it.
This is not it! Holmes, this is a different photograph! Do you hear me, man?! The letter.
It is addressed to me.
"My Dear Mr.
Sherlock Holmes: You did it very well.
You took me in completely.
Until after the alarm of fire, I had not a suspicion.
But then, when I found that I had betrayed myself, it flashed into my mind that I had been warned against you months ago.
I had been told that if the King employed an agent it would certainly be you.
Yet, with all this, you made me reveal what you wanted to know.
Even before when the presence of so many people in the street had sounded an alarm in my instinct, I could not think evil of such a dear, kind old clergyman.
But, you know, I have been trained as an actress myself, and male costume is nothing new to me.
Yes, it was I who followed you to your door, just to make sure that you really were the celebrated Mr.
Sherlock Holmes.
It was I who rather imprudently, wished you goodnight.
Then I started for the Temple to see my new husband.
We had married in secret in case we needed to leave the country to elude the King.
Your appearance on the scene was the signal for flight.
You are too formidable an antagonist.
You will find the nest empty when you call tomorrow.
As to the photograph, your client may rest in peace.
I love and am loved by a better man than he.
" "The King may"-- "The King may do what he will without hindrance from one whom he has cruelly wronged.
I kept it only to safeguard myself, and to preserve a weapon which will always secure me from any steps he may take.
" There is more.
"I leave another photograph which he might care to possess; and I remain, dear Mr.
Sherlock Holmes, very truly yours, Irene Norton, nee Adler.
" What a woman! What a queen she would have made! Is it not a pity she was not on my level.
From what I have seen of the lady, yes, indeed, she is on a very different level to your Majesty.
I am only so sorry that I have failed in my commission.
On the contrary, my dear sir, nothing could be more successful.
I know that her word is inviolate.
The photograph is now as safe as if it were in the fire.
I am glad that your Majesty thinks so.
I am immensely indebted to you.
Pray, tell me in what way I can reward you.
This ring? Your Majesty has something which I should value even more highly.
You have but to name it.
This.
Irene's photograph? Certainly, if you wish it.
Then I have the honor to wish your Majesty a very good morning.
And that was how a great scandal threatened the Kingdom of Bohemia, and how the best plans of Mr.
Sherlock Holmes were beaten by a woman's wit.
He used to sneer much at the cleverness of women, but I have not heard him do it of late.
And when he speaks of Irene Adler, or when he refers to that woman, it is always under the honorable title of "the woman.
" In his eyes, she eclipses the whole of her sex.
It was not that he ever betrayed any sign of love for Irene Adler, all emotions such as that one are abhorrent to his cold, precise mind.
He only looks on women pathologically, as the source of motives, clues.
And yet, he keeps her photograph apart, locked up.
There is but one woman to him, the beautiful Irene Adler, of dubious and questionable memory.
To Sherlock Holmes, she was always "the woman," the beautiful Irene Adler of dubious and questionable memory.
At the time of our involvement in the Irene Adler case, Holmes and I had been sharing rooms in Baker Street for some years.
My practice had caused me to be absent in the country for several days.
As usual, after leaving Holmes for any length of time, I returned filled with apprehension as to his mood.
Oh! Oh, hello, Mrs.
Hudson.
Dr.
Watson, just look at you, half soaked to the skin! Yes, well, I am not surprised, I have just spent 20 minutes standing in the pouring rain waiting for a cab.
It won't do that old wound of yours any good getting so wet, Doctor.
I know.
I'll just take this coat and your hat and see that they're properly dried.
Mrs.
Hudson, I haven't eaten all day.
I do hope supper will be up very soon.
That's very doubtful.
I don't know what's come over Mr.
Holmes, he seems to be all on edge.
I'm not to bring up supper until I'm called.
Those are his orders.
Thank you, Mrs.
Hudson.
My dear Holmes, what is it tonight, morphine or cocaine? Well, I can strongly recommend a seven percent solution of cocaine.
Would you care to try it? No, indeed! I speak not only as your friend, but as a medical man.
How can you risk such damage to the great powers with which you have been endowed?! I cannot tell you how it clarifies and stimulates the mind.
Yes, and destroys it in time! My mind rebels at stagnation.
Give me problems, give me work, give me the most abstruse cryptogram, the most intricate analysis, and I'm in my proper atmosphere.
Then I can dispense with artificial stimulants.
But I abhor the dull routine of existence.
I crave mental exultation.
That is why I have chosen my own profession, or rather created it, for I am the only one in the world.
The only unofficial detective.
The only unofficial consulting detective.
I take no credit in my cases.
The work itself, the pleasure of finding a field for my particular powers is my highest reward.
You can close that drawer.
You have made the wrong diagnosis, Doctor! I have my stimulant here.
I hope you enjoyed your week in the country.
It was good for the appetite.
Incidentally, I do wish you would ring for supper.
What is this? Yes, I must get ready for my visitor.
It came by the morning post.
Give me your observations.
Well, it's undated and without either signature or address.
Good, read it aloud.
"Dear Mr.
Holmes: There will call upon you tonight at a quarter to eight a gentleman who"-- good heavens, we've only a few minutes, Holmes.
Go on.
"A gentleman who desires to consult with you upon a matter of the very deepest moment.
Your recent services to one of the royal houses of Europe have shown that you are one who may be safely trusted with matters which are of an importance which can hardly be exaggerated.
This account of you we have from all quarters received, be in your chamber then.
" Good--good heavens, this is a mystery, indeed.
What do you imagine it means? I have no data yet.
It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data.
Mm.
But the note itself, what do you deduce from it? It's a man's writing.
Good.
Presumably well-to-do, it's expensive paper, this.
It's peculiarly strong and stiff.
Peculiar, that is the very word.
It is not English paper at all.
Hold it up to the light.
Ah, large E, small g, large P, and G with a small t woven into the texture.
And that is? Maker's monogram.
Excellent, Watson! Come along! Let us consult our continental gazetteer.
Your cigars; you see, I was not unmindful of your return.
Oh, Holmes! Would you care for some whiskey? Later, perhaps, when we've eaten.
The monogram is an abbreviation for Papier Gesellschaft, which is the German for "paper company.
" And the Eg, Eglow, Eglonitz, Egria, a German-speaking district of Bohemia noted for its numerous glass factories and paper mills, there.
Bohemia, the kingdom of Bohemia.
And the note is written by a German.
You see, "this account of you we have from all quarters received," only a German is so uncourteous to his words.
So we are to expect a German from Bohemia.
Here he is, drawn by a pair, a nice little brougham.
There's money in this case, Watson, if there's nothing else.
Holmes, I think your visitor will want me out of the way.
Not a bit, Doctor, stay where you are! I am lost without my Boswell.
But he sounded so secretive.
I may need your help, and so may he.
Now, stay in that armchair, and give me your full attention.
Here he comes.
I'm sorry, sir, but you cannot come in here unannounced like this! Mr.
Holmes does not see anybody without appointment! Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.
Holmes! There was nothing I could do! It's perfectly all right, Mrs.
Hudson! If you would kindly leave us.
Yes.
And close the door.
Of course.
Thank you.
You read my note? Yes.
Pray take a seat! This is my friend and colleague, Dr.
Watson, who is occasionally good enough to help me in my cases! How do you do, sir.
Who do I have the honor to address? You may address me as the Count Von Kramm, a Bohemian nobleman.
I should much prefer to communicate with you alone.
No, it is both, or none.
You may say before this gentleman anything which you may wish to say to me.
Very well, I take your word that he is a man of honor and discretion.
But I must begin by binding you both to absolute secrecy for a period of two years.
Indeed? At the end of that time the matter will be of no importance.
At present it is of such weight that it may have an influence upon European history.
I promise.
And I.
You will excuse this mask.
The august person who employs me wishes his agent to be unknown to you.
In fact, I may confess that the title I have given you is not exactly my own.
I was aware of that.
The circumstances are of great delicacy; every precaution must be taken to prevent an immense scandal which would seriously compromise one of the royal houses of Europe.
To speak plainly, the matter concerns the great House of Ormstein, hereditary kings of Bohemia.
I was aware of that, too, your Majesty.
You are right I am the King.
Why should I attempt to conceal it? Why, indeed? Your Majesty had not spoken before I was aware that I was addressing Wilhelm Gottsreich Sigismond von Ormstein, Grand Duke of Cassel-Felstein, and hereditary King of Bohemia.
And in passing, the finest dualist in Europe.
You have killed four opponents.
Honorably.
Of course.
The facts are briefly these: Ah! Some 10 years ago, during a lengthy visit to Warsaw, I made the acquaintance of the well known adventuress, Irene Adler.
The name is no doubt familiar to you.
Kindly look her up in my index, will you, Watson.
So, I deduce that your Majesty became entangled with this lady, wrote her some compromising letters, and is now desirous of getting them back.
Precisely so.
But how could you know that? Italian general's staff Ah, Adler, Irene, born New Jersey, 1858.
Is this the lady? New Jersey, let me see.
Singer, contralto appeared at La Scala, opera houses Petersburg and Warsaw, retired from the operatic stage, now living in London, makes occasional concert appearances.
That is the lady.
Was there a secret marriage? None.
No legal papers or certificates? None.
Then I fail to follow your Majesty.
If this person should produce your letters for blackmailing or other purposes, how is she to prove their authenticity? There is the writing.
Pooh, pooh! Forgery.
My private writing paper.
Stolen.
My own seal.
Imitated.
My photograph.
Bought.
We were both in that photograph.
Oh, dear, dear, dear.
Yes, that is very bad.
Your Majesty has certainly committed an indiscretion.
She was beautiful, bewitching, clever, daring.
I was only Crown Prince then.
I was young! I am but 30 now.
Of course, your Majesty has attempted to recover the photograph? We have tried and failed.
Then your Majesty must pay.
It must be bought.
She will not sell.
Stolen, then.
Five attempts have been made.
Twice burglars in my pay ransacked her house.
Once we diverted her luggage when she traveled.
Twice she has been waylaid.
There has been no sign of it.
You mock?! It is serious! Yes.
Yes, it is very serious, indeed.
Well, what does she propose to do with this photograph if not to extort money? To ruin me.
How? I'm about to be married.
So I've heard.
To the Princess Clotilde Lothman von Saxe-Meningen, and second daughter to the King of Scandinavia.
It is a brilliant match.
Precisely.
But you will know the strict principles of her family.
She's herself the soul of delicacy.
A shadow of doubt as to my conduct would bring the matter to an end.
And Irene Adler? Threatens to send them the photograph.
And she will do it.
She has a soul of steel.
She's more beautiful than any other woman I've known, more resolute than any man.
There are no lengths to which she would not go, none, to prevent my marriage to another woman! Your Majesty, why is this lady so vindictive? Oh, there was once some talk of marriage.
Ha! She would not see that it was impossible! You are sure that she has not sent the photograph yet? I am sure.
Why? It may be on its way at this very moment.
Because she has said that she would send it on the day when the betrothal was publicly proclaimed.
That will be next Monday.
But I must leave London on Friday to be home for the ceremony.
Ah, then we do have three days.
Well, that is very fortunate, for I do have other matters in hand.
Where can I find your Majesty in London? At the Langham Hotel, as the Count Von Kramm, remember.
Yes, of course.
And as to expenditure? Here are 300 pounds in gold, and 700 in notes.
And Miss Irene Adler's address? Goodnight, your Majesty, and I trust we shall soon have good news for you.
Holmes, we can dine at Romano's, but we only have three days, till Friday.
Oh, it must be settled by Friday.
The composer Tchaikovsky is conducting his own works at the St.
James's Hall.
No, no, no, no! It must be settled by Friday.
My dear Watson, I'd like to be alone.
You are hungry? Yes.
I'm sure Mrs.
Hudson will bring you up a sandwich.
A sandwich? We will not discuss this matter until tomorrow afternoon.
Goodnight.
Better than working, isn't it, mate? What is? Looking on.
I'll change with you any time, gov.
And what position are you? Eight weeks, a mere first-class groom.
Are ya? Well, you can give me a hand if you like.
I see you're all right.
Why not? Give her the price of the booze.
I thought it was the booze.
Strap the mare, show us what you can do.
I spent a couple of hours with the cabbie and his cronies.
Miss Irene Adler has certainly turned all men's heads in those parts.
She is the daintiest thing under a bonnet on this planet, so say the Serpentine-mews fraternity, to a man.
She lives quietly, drives out at five in the evening, returns at seven sharp for dinner.
Seldom goes out at other times, except when she sings.
She has only one male visitor, but sees a good deal of him.
He never calls less than once a day, and often twice.
His name is a Mr.
Godfrey Norton, of the Inner Temple.
You see the advantages of having a cabman as a confidant.
Mr.
Godfrey Norton is a lawyer, that is important.
Ominous, perhaps.
Why his repeated visits? Is she his client, friend, or mistress? If he is her lawyer, he might have the photograph to his strong box.
If her lover, he might not even know of it.
She had just begun to sing, she has the voice of an angel, Watson, when a truly surprising chain of events overtook me, starting with the arrival of someone I presumed to be Mr.
Godfrey Noble.
Wait for me, will you.
Fetch your mistress's carriage.
Drive like the devil, Church of St.
Monica, Edgeware Road.
I must arrive there at least five minutes before 12:00.
That gives you 20 minutes.
Half a guinea if you do it.
She is a lovely woman, Watson, with a face that a man might die for.
A face a man might die for-- unusual language for you, Holmes.
A metaphor, Watson, nothing else.
I was just about to sprint after the landau and perch on the back when another cab came through the street.
He looked twice at such a shabby fare, but I jumped in before he had time to object, showed him a handful of sovereigns and promised him one if he would get me to the Church of St.
Monica within 20 minutes.
Now, I don't think that I have ever been driven faster in a cab.
They were there before us.
Look, I'm very sorry, Mr.
Norton, but l-- For pity sake, it's almost midday.
The latest time allowed by law.
I would have called in one of those confounded churchmen but I saw no reason to let them know our business and I sent them off for a drink.
Oh, dear Lord! Godfrey.
You, you, come here, man! Yes, I mean you! We've only a few minutes left or it won't be legal! Come man, come! Hold this and do as you're told.
You'll be paid.
Ah, we have our witness.
The ceremony may proceed.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony which is an honorable estate instituted of God in the time of man's innocency, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his church.
Irene.
I allowed you to persuade me, now you must allow me to persuade you.
I shall see you tomorrow.
At the very first moment.
I love you.
John.
Hey, you! Come here, my man.
Come here.
Godfrey, let me.
Sir, I want to thank you for being so miraculously present when we needed you.
How fortunate that you have remained close by.
Well, I'm in no hurry, mum.
I hope you will accept this.
I don't need no tip, mum.
Oh, sir, let us call it a little souvenir.
She gave me a sovereign.
Here it is.
What an extraordinary turn of events! I shall wear it on my watch chain in memory of the occasion.
And what now? Well, during the ceremony I thought my plans had been overthrown.
If they had made an immediate departure, it would have necessitated the most prompt and energetic measures on my part.
But, he went back to the Temple, and she went to her own home, thus, giving us time to act.
How? Doctor, I shall require all your courage and alertness.
I shall be delighted! You don't mind breaking the law? Not in the least.
Nor running the chance of arrest? Not in a good cause.
Oh, the cause is excellent.
Well, then I am your man.
Splendid.
Now, the-- the question is-- Holmes, you really do look quite remarkable! You know, the question is where to find the photograph.
I mean, the house has twice been burgled.
She was too clever for them.
She is a remarkable woman.
Well, they must have searched very thoroughly.
They did not know how to look! And how will you look? I shall not look.
What then? I will allow her to show me.
But she'll refused.
She will not be able to.
Ah, we draw near the scene of action.
We had better walk from here.
You know your instructions.
When you raise your hand, I act.
And we meet at the rendezvous in 10 minutes.
Here she comes.
Oh, no, you don't.
I was here first.
I opened the door, lady.
He never, no, it was me! Clear off, you two! Let-me-go! Opening carriage doors is a legitimate means of livelihood, Mr.
[inaudible.]
.
You ain't gonna stop a man earning a copper, see.
Let me pass.
You there, let go of my coachman! Take the bread from me mouth, would 'ya? I'll fill your mouth, chum.
Oh! Oh, no, no, please, please don't, men, please, I beg you, please I beg of you! Madam, I must protect you! Now stop that, you and you, stop that.
Oh! Stand back! You see what you've done! He's dead! Scamper, mate, before the coppers come! He's still breathing, but he's taken a bad knock.
I am sorry, ma'am.
You did your best, John.
Is he badly hurt? It is only superficial, but he needs attention, quickly.
But he can't lie on the street.
Bring him into the house.
All right, sir.
Oh, you're conscious.
Thank goodness, you are a brave man.
Over here, Willot.
No, no, stand back, I shall look after my friend in need.
Sir, will you look toward me.
Oh, it is no sight for a lady.
I have strong nerves, dear friend.
No, no, I cannot permit.
Thank you.
A bandage.
As you wish.
I'm so relieved that your wound isn't serious.
Well, it is but shallow, and the concussion wears off.
How extraordinary.
Madam? That so many people should gather in such a quiet little turning.
Well, it's the gang, madam, it was all pre-arranged to rob you.
All those men to snatch one little purse.
Oh, no, dear friend, it wouldn't have paid them.
My vocation takes me much amongst the poor and even the criminal classes, madam.
Look at those people staring, curiosity is so unseemly, but I fear universal.
Oh, I am so sorry, I think I'm going to faint.
Oh, air, I need some air! Willot, the window1 Oh! Some drinking water.
Are there any smelling salts? Madam, madam, I think I can smell fire.
What? Fire, fire! Fire, fire, fire! There's a fire, is there? Madam, come out of here quickly! I'll take care of the old gentleman! I can't breathe.
It's a false alarm! It's a false alarm, look! It's a trick, it's a-- tell them--tell them! There's a fire! It's a false alarm, do you hear? We do not need the fire engine! What is it? It is a plumber's rocket, madam, one of my flock is a plumber.
It is ignited by a cap, and sends smoke into pipes to betray cracks and holes.
No, no, no, no, no, it's all right.
It will disperse.
You said it was a trick.
Who would play such a trick on me? One of the gang, madam.
But to what purpose? I've escaped them.
Revenge.
Revenge? Are there such wicked people? There are people in this world, madam, to whom revenge is in itself a reward.
I cannot imagine such feelings.
I'm sure you cannot, madam.
Well, I am feeling more myself.
I must be on my way.
Oh, please stay, some refreshment.
Well, one of my flock expects me.
Won't you let my carriage take you? Oh, no, no, no, the air will aid my recovery.
At least your name, your address, that I may thank you adequately.
Well, I am just a humble servant, madam, of the all seeing providence.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
You did it very nicely, Doctor.
You have the photograph? No, but I know where it is.
How did you find out? She showed me, as I told you she would.
The trouble is, it still remains in her possession.
You may have lost your one chance, Holmes.
No.
I shall call early tomorrow morning.
You'll call there? And as my own self, and with the King.
The King?! And with you, Watson! You must be a witness at the end of our quest.
I trust you will sleep well tonight for a change, Holmes.
Well, there's nothing like success for curing insomnia.
Goodnight, Mr.
Sherlock Holmes, and Watson.
Holmes? But she could not love him.
I am in hopes that she does.
Why? Because it would spare your Majesty all fear of future annoyance.
If she loves her husband, then she does not love your Majesty.
And if she does not love your Majesty, why should she interfere with your Majesty's marriage.
Mr.
Sherlock Holmes, I believe.
I am Mr.
Holmes.
My mistress told me you were likely to call.
She left this morning with her husband by the 5:15 train from Charing Cross for the Continent.
She has left England? Never to return, sir.
All is lost.
Well then, get at it.
This is not it! Holmes, this is a different photograph! Do you hear me, man?! The letter.
It is addressed to me.
"My Dear Mr.
Sherlock Holmes: You did it very well.
You took me in completely.
Until after the alarm of fire, I had not a suspicion.
But then, when I found that I had betrayed myself, it flashed into my mind that I had been warned against you months ago.
I had been told that if the King employed an agent it would certainly be you.
Yet, with all this, you made me reveal what you wanted to know.
Even before when the presence of so many people in the street had sounded an alarm in my instinct, I could not think evil of such a dear, kind old clergyman.
But, you know, I have been trained as an actress myself, and male costume is nothing new to me.
Yes, it was I who followed you to your door, just to make sure that you really were the celebrated Mr.
Sherlock Holmes.
It was I who rather imprudently, wished you goodnight.
Then I started for the Temple to see my new husband.
We had married in secret in case we needed to leave the country to elude the King.
Your appearance on the scene was the signal for flight.
You are too formidable an antagonist.
You will find the nest empty when you call tomorrow.
As to the photograph, your client may rest in peace.
I love and am loved by a better man than he.
" "The King may"-- "The King may do what he will without hindrance from one whom he has cruelly wronged.
I kept it only to safeguard myself, and to preserve a weapon which will always secure me from any steps he may take.
" There is more.
"I leave another photograph which he might care to possess; and I remain, dear Mr.
Sherlock Holmes, very truly yours, Irene Norton, nee Adler.
" What a woman! What a queen she would have made! Is it not a pity she was not on my level.
From what I have seen of the lady, yes, indeed, she is on a very different level to your Majesty.
I am only so sorry that I have failed in my commission.
On the contrary, my dear sir, nothing could be more successful.
I know that her word is inviolate.
The photograph is now as safe as if it were in the fire.
I am glad that your Majesty thinks so.
I am immensely indebted to you.
Pray, tell me in what way I can reward you.
This ring? Your Majesty has something which I should value even more highly.
You have but to name it.
This.
Irene's photograph? Certainly, if you wish it.
Then I have the honor to wish your Majesty a very good morning.
And that was how a great scandal threatened the Kingdom of Bohemia, and how the best plans of Mr.
Sherlock Holmes were beaten by a woman's wit.
He used to sneer much at the cleverness of women, but I have not heard him do it of late.
And when he speaks of Irene Adler, or when he refers to that woman, it is always under the honorable title of "the woman.
" In his eyes, she eclipses the whole of her sex.
It was not that he ever betrayed any sign of love for Irene Adler, all emotions such as that one are abhorrent to his cold, precise mind.
He only looks on women pathologically, as the source of motives, clues.
And yet, he keeps her photograph apart, locked up.
There is but one woman to him, the beautiful Irene Adler, of dubious and questionable memory.