The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s01e01 Episode Script
It's a Kind of Birthday Present
1 There's even more than last night.
Freaky, eh? Axl! Oh my god, Axl, are you okay? Out of the way, you stupid bitch.
I'm so, so sorry.
Are you okay? All good.
Lightening flash reactions, eh? I was looking up when I should have been looking at the road.
Yeah.
It's amazing, eh? It's okay.
There are survivors.
Can I buy you some more beer to say sorry? Only if you bring it to our party.
It's, um, just around the corner at our place.
It's the latest in a series of parties rehearsing for my 21st.
- Ah, happy birthday.
- Ta.
- The sky still falling? - Bits of it are.
We should go inside where it's safe and hide under the covers.
Ty, I think you're a great guy.
You're funny and sweet but I just don't see you, you know, that way.
Do you know what I mean? But I hope we can be friends.
Can we do that, do you think? Be friends? Sure.
That is so cool.
You're so sweet.
I have to go now but I'll text you.
Sure.
You were amazing tonight.
There wasn't a man in that bar that could take his eyes off you.
The women too.
Shut up.
You moved among them like a nymph through a forest dispensing hope at every shoot.
You're music to their ears, magnet to their eyes, fire to their loins.
And now you're here with me.
They'll come out exactly the same as last time.
You know that.
Poo.
Leave it, Ingrid.
I dislike doing this as much as you, but if it's not done now, it gets trickier.
Doesn't it? Nice trampoline.
Yeah, Zeb found it on the street one night when we were on our way back from the pub.
As you do.
I think they're the last remains of a world that died thousands of years ago.
That's a kind of gloomy way of looking at it.
It's just the way it is.
Everything dies sooner or later.
This is just them going out in a blaze of glory.
I know we're getting saturated But we'll be alright I know that it's cold when the half-light is fading What the heck? Oh yeah.
Hey.
Let's get out of here.
Save the beer! Oph.
- Get off me.
- It's the apocalypse.
Hey, buddy.
Ah.
There you are.
Hiding under a glass table is not such a good idea.
Dawn.
I was just thinking about you.
It's erupting.
- What is? - The volcano.
- Hmm, not it's not.
- I felt it.
That was an earthquake not an eruption.
Hey, how's the job going? What do you mean "how's the job going?" I'm standing on a volcano in an eruption! It's not an eruption.
How do you know? Because it's an Auckland volcano.
Auckland volcanoes never erupt.
Well, Auckland never has earthquakes.
Dawn, I have to go and comfort the traumatized now.
Well, I'm traumatized too, Anders.
No, no, nonsense.
You're doing a great job.
Make sure it's done by sunrise.
Thank you.
Actually, I think it's kind of cool that our flat looks the same after a natural disaster as it did before.
That's because I've got two useless dicks as flatmates.
And you love us.
Forget the tidying.
Have a beer.
It's after midnight.
Is it? Stand up.
Why? So I can hug you.
Idiot.
Happy 21st, Axl.
- Have you seen the sea today? - No, I haven't seen the sea.
- It's freaky.
- If you say so.
Are you going to get them? Yes, Mike, I said I would get them and they will be here.
Don't be late.
On that subject, any sign of Olaf? You just stick to what you need to do.
I'll take that as a no.
He'll be here.
What day is it? Uh, yesterday was Friday so, I'm pretty sure it's Saturday.
Saturday? Yes.
Hmm, Saturday.
Oh! Buggery bollocks.
Catch you next time I'm through, babe.
Useless! I told you you should have sent me, not the handmaiden.
Don't call me that.
- Bitch face.
- That's enough.
This makes things, as you say, trickier.
The prophesy is not complete.
But it will be by the end of the day.
If we believe in the prophesy which we do Then let me kill him before the end of the day.
No.
You do not touch him.
We had our window and missed it.
So we figure out something else.
Sorry.
But the police didn't actually arrest you, did they? Only 'cause we hid in the bushes.
Me getting arrested would have been a bad thing, by the way.
Oh, Dawn, they're not going to send you to jail, not for defacing a volcano.
What you did last night was amazing, Above and beyond the call of duty.
You're a legend.
You're the greatest.
Don't you forget that.
And, lo, he still talks crap.
Dawn, are you still working for this asshole? - I have no idea why.
- Dawn, when you two have Finished reminiscing, um, you know, the Valkyrie we hired For the launch? I need you to send flowers to one of them.
Which one? - Ah - Oh, you are still all class.
Yeah, you'd better make it both of them just to be on the safe side.
- I'm not going.
- Yeah, you are.
Whatever will happen will happen whether I'm there or not and I've got a million things to do.
For once in your life, do something for someone other than you.
Why? 'Cause Mike says so? Oh, get over yourself.
I'm sick of the both of you.
One day out of your life for Axl then you never have to speak to Mike again if that's what you want so cut the crap.
We're leaving now! Okay.
If it stops doing your Mr.
Freezie routine.
Olaf shown up yet? I'm here.
Well done.
You want to go to the pub? I thought you had a family thing to do today.
Whatever Mike's being all deep and meaningful about can wait till tonight.
Let's just go to the pub instead.
Shouldn't you be pacing yourself? I don't even want the stupid party.
It'll be fun.
It'll be very fussy if Mike planned it.
Please just say we can go to the pub.
I have to go to work and then I've got to pick up my dress for tonight.
You don't have to get all flashed up for the party.
Maybe I want to.
Fine.
Me and Zeb will just go to the pub without you.
Zeb's gone to work.
- Then it'll just be me at the pub, won't it? - Hmm.
- Happy birthday, dickhead.
- Your destiny awaits.
Get in the van now.
I thought you were banished from this family.
Flying visit.
Get in the van.
Do I really have to whatever this sodding thing is? Yes.
Really.
Don't you want to meet your grandfather? Uh, I don't have a grandfather.
Get in the van, Axl.
Come on.
- Why are we here? - Who do you think he'll get? - No one if he's lucky.
- Ouch.
That's cold.
It never stops being funny to you, does it? What are you guys talking about? Olaf! - Axl.
- You made it, cuz.
- You've doubted me? - You bring the weed like you said? We shall talk of that later.
Huh.
Sweet.
Good of you to make the time.
Well, you know me, I'm all about family.
We should kick this thing off.
What the thing? I thought I was meeting a grandparent I don't have.
Surprise.
It's a bit of a shock, I know, but the truth is I'm your granddad, not your cousin.
I'm 92-years old, nearly 93.
Okay, so someone has been doing the magic mushrooms again, cuz.
No 'shrooms, Axl.
This is real.
On my 21st birthday, I became the mortal Incarnation of Baldr so I am, among other things, the god of rebirth.
Every morning, I am born again.
Not literally, thank god.
Bottom line is I get old really, really, really slowly.
I know it's freaky but what you need to get your head around, Axl, is that your family are all gods.
Gods? Norse gods.
Norse gods from Norsewood.
That's where us Norse gods ended up.
Fleeing religious Persecution by the religious After the big mistake of Leaving Asgard to walk amongst the mortals.
Till the mortals started chasing us pagans with sticks And burning our houses down.
So we bravely ran away.
To New Zealand.
Okay, what the fuck is going on? I'm Ullr.
Bragi, god of poetry.
Hod, god of everything dark and cold.
Yay Hod.
Okay.
You are seriously mental if you think I am falling for this crap.
Very funny.
Ha-ha.
Did you throw a fucking sword at me? Hey.
No.
I threw it at the tree.
If I'd thrown it at you, it would have hit you and killed You which would kind of defeat the purpose.
What purpose? You'll see.
- Fuck this! - You guys are mental.
You need to stay.
Ahh.
I love the irony of how ice can also burn.
What an awesome super power.
Get the sword.
Get it and bring it here.
- Man, how did you - I told you.
I'm Ullr.
Well, who is Ullr when he's at home? God of the hunt, among other things.
Such a waste.
Don't start.
Just pull the bloody sword out, come back here and family oracle Olaf will explain.
Family what? Some gods are also oracles.
They know shit.
We have Olaf.
Okay, I know this is messing with your head, but my mother And father were gods so I'm a god.
My son was a god.
He married your mother, who was a goddess.
And when the sprog of a god and a goddess turn 21, they too - Become a god, okay? - And that's what we're doing here today, turning you into a god.
- Which just happens to be on the day of my 21st? - Yeah, right.
This is the ancient ceremony that 21st parties are based on.
But no one except us knows that.
Naw.
No way are you dicks gods.
If you're gods then where are your god powers? I'm 92-years old.
Yeah.
Right.
The power of my poetry bends mortals to my will.
As long as they're blond and stupid.
- It works on lots of people.
- Mainly stupid blond ones you want to screw.
Well, at least I do more than making the room slightly colder.
Will you two shut the fuck up? The thing is, over the last few thousand years, our powers have, well, diminished till mostly they're not that powerful.
At all.
Do the paper, rock, scissors thing.
That freaked me out on my 21st.
What, so Ullr is the god of paper, rock, scissors? Of all games, actually.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Whoo-hoo.
Mike's going to use his powers.
Must be important.
Paper, rock, scissors.
If after this, you believe, will you do exactly what I say? After paper, rock, scissors? Whatever.
- You think sooner or later you win one, right? - Just once.
But the laws of probability don't apply to Mike.
Why can't I get something fun? Believe, bro.
It's true.
Step into the circle.
- The stones are from Asgard.
- Where? Norse god home.
- Oh.
Take off your clothes.
- What? - Look, you don't have to.
- Trust me.
Take off your clothes.
Gayest god ever.
- I loved that jacket.
- It was totally ruined.
- What happened to the jacket? - Just forget about the jacket.
You said you'd do what I say and Yeah, actually, in the nude is probably best.
You're going to film this and play it at the party, right? No, Axl.
This stays between us.
That's the way it's always Been and the way that it has to be.
Okay.
Now what? Circle.
- Hold it over your head.
- What for? - For the lightening bolt.
- Couldn't you just say the sign, grandpa? For the sign.
Lightening.
Right.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Just getting a better view.
Just hold up the bloody sword.
Okay, I demand to know exactly what the fu-uu-uck!!! I had no idea how cool that looks from the outside.
Oh, bro, yours was feeble compared to that.
That was intense.
Axl.
Are you okay? What a rush.
Never appear to be under-whelmed.
Am I a god now? Whoo.
I feel like a god.
A million volts just coursed through your body.
Of course you feel like a bloody god.
Which god? Now what happens is family oracle Olaf tells us He was standing right there.
Yeah, I know where he was standing, Anders.
Olaf! Olaf.
Wh what's that? Olaf! Olaf.
Is this, like, god language? No.
This is like the time peyote and thought Valerie's cat was Loki.
- Who's Loki? Is he a god? - Yes.
- So, am I Loki? - Only Olaf knows.
- But I'm a god, right? - Yes, Axl, you are now a god.
Any chance you could put your pants on? Be a pants-on god? Olaf.
Are you okay? Odin.
Odin.
I've heard of him.
What can he do? Can he do cool shit? Only Olaf knows.
We have to look after Olaf.
Odin is like the Big Kahuna of Norse gods, right? So he's got to have what? A super strength, right? You come with me.
If I'm Odin, how come you still get to tell me what to do? 'Cause I'm still your big brother.
See you tonight.
If he is Odin, you know that changes everything, right? Yeah, I know.
Thanks for the lift, Mike.
Really nice talking.
I mean, it's not like I've got a few questions, it's not like my whole world changed today.
Hey! You never talk to anyone about this, you got it? Well, that sucks all the fun out of it.
- Never! - Kidding, got it.
And hide the sword.
It's the job of the youngest to keep it safe.
Cool.
No, not cool.
Important.
Can I do Odin shit with it? Maybe Odin should just hurl a thunderbolt up your arse, bro! See how you like that! I have had Maori people, Council people, greeny people abusing me over the phone all morning.
That'll wash off in a couple of days.
Dawn, I need you to do something.
Oh, you want me to stick a giant vodka bottle on top of Rangitoto? No, but good idea.
I need a phone number for the vodka girly.
- Which one? - I'm not fussed.
Hey, bro, time to - Awesome sword! - Where did you get that? It's kind of a birthday present.
- Can I have a go? - No.
I'll let you play with mine if I can play with yours! Eh? Okay, mine isn't as big as yours, but it's still pretty Sorry.
What the hell was that for?! I just saw the dagger and I reacted.
- I loved that dagger, man.
- Sorry.
- Check you out.
- You scrub up well.
- Stop it.
- Nice sword.
Ta.
- Let's go get coma-ed.
- Sounds like a plan.
Axl! Happy birthday.
Thanks, Val.
Everything's set up out the back.
Make yourself at home.
If you say so.
Hello.
How's it hanging? You're brave.
I'm sure they'll be very well behaved.
Ta.
Olaf woken up yet? He's in your old room.
Not bad for 92, eh? Anything else I should know about our fucked-up family? That Valerie's actually a Terminator sent back from the future to try and kill us? Only on her bad days.
Otherwise She's a mortal who knows nothing.
You haven't even told your wife.
- That's harsh.
- That's the way it has to be.
How would I know how it has to be? You spring this shit on me and then no one tells me a thing! Until Olaf rejoins the land of the living, we wait.
So which gods were mum and dad? Mom was Freyja, goddess of prosperity.
Dad was Njord, god of the sea.
So a farm on the Central Hawke's Bay Well, not so good for him.
He sailed off into the sunset, and then Mum died in - The jumping accident.
- Yes.
And no.
I know for a fact Dad buggered off.
My 21st present was Mum telling me how being the mother To four gods was too horrible to contemplate.
And I was in charge now, because she was off to become a tree.
And she walked off into the forest, and she was never seen again.
So for all I know She became a tree.
I mean, what was I meant to do? Tell a bunch of bloody kids their mother is a fucking tree? I told Anders and I told Ty on their 21st, and now it is your turn.
Happy birthday, little bro.
Christ, I thought this family was screwed up before today.
Yeah, well, now you are learning.
Oh! Sorry.
Skal, skal, skal, skal, skal, skal! Give him another one, give him another one! - Here we go, here we go! - And skal, skal, skal, skal! Look at them.
They all think they're gods.
Oh, I missed those days.
- I told them about mum - Our mom is the tree.
Our mom in our family history.
Ander! Axl, my baby brother, who as become a man.
- I come bearing gifts.
- Oh, shit.
This is my little brother I told you about.
Be nice with him, okay? A word.
Of course.
It's my brother's 21st, I've got a right to be here.
- Like fuck you do.
- Oh, come on, Michael.
I can't even bring my baby bro a present? That's mean even by your righteous standards.
No, you and the shit you bring, you stay away from my world.
You know that.
Oh, come on, lighten up.
Little eye candy for the boys? Axl has a good time, maybe gets his end away? Everyone's a winner.
For once in your life, would you get off this horse? I'm not doing anything evil, but you treat it like it's date rape or something.
And those girls will sleep with you later 'cause you're a nice guy.
I never talk anyone into doing stuff they don't actually want to do deep down.
They just didn't know they wanted to do it until they met me.
Come on, Mike.
All I do is unlock the door.
- You know that.
- Yeah, you're a saint.
- No, Mike, I'm a god.
- Like Axl's a god.
You should try it sometime.
We don't know for sure he is Odin yet.
But if he is, we all better get on his good side.
And that's the only reason you are here! - I'm here out of love, Mike.
- Don't worry.
I'm not going to mess with your little happy suburban hiding place.
But Axl's 21 now, so you can stop playing dad.
Ty thinks it's a curse making everything around him cold.
But check out her top.
See? The headlights are on.
- That is a gift, my friend.
- Why is he here? Because he forgets where he's not wanted.
Ignore him.
- You okay? - I feel very little pain.
Not tonight, but come tomorrow, oh yeah.
Dance? Me? Nah.
Yes, you.
You guys are my best flatmates ever! The next time we host a 21st, can it be for our own kid? I can handle it.
Shit! Oh, sorry.
There's something important I have to tell you.
Valerie's on drugs! No, she's just stressed.
No, I caught her shooting up.
I'm serious, man! I mean, I really love you two and I hate to tell you this, but I caught her.
Hormones, yeah? She's injecting hormones as part of the IVF program.
To make a baby.
- Oh! - Yeah.
What, doesn't your cock work? Hey, man, your cousin is a cracker.
- Eh? - The stoner, man.
He's out of it.
I guess he's better now.
You're the oracle, the oracular, or whatever the word is.
Is he Odin or not? If Axl is the new Odin, all the signs What signs? Well, I'm getting to the signs.
No pressure, Olaf, just First sign, fire in the night Sky for seven nights before he returns.
- They're a sign? - Not necessarily.
- You just said they were.
- Will you let me finish? Sign number two, the earth shall Tremble on the day of his arrival.
- The earthquake? - Yes.
But it still means nothing without sign number three.
The seas run red as if with blood.
No way has that come to pass.
Uh What? The news reckons it was some kind of algal bloom or something.
Okay, but even that doesn't count as a sign unless the next sign happens.
- Otherwise it's just freaky shit.
- And what's the next sign? The sun shall rise on the sign of Odin, written large upon The slopes of fire for all to know that he returns.
- And what is the sign of Odin? - The Valknut.
Like a walnut? - It's a symbol, triangles all mixed up.
All mixed up.
- Oh.
What a dick.
I was flogging booze to the masses, how am I meant to know I was fulfilling a prophecy? - A prophecy? - Cool! - No, not cool.
- And not fulfilled.
Not until the last sign.
When he returns, he will have The heart of Man and the heart of the Earth.
Am I some kind of genetic freak? Do you have two hearts? Of course I don't have two hearts.
What about a tattoo of a heart plus your actual heart? No.
But if I got a tattoo of a heart, would that make me Odin? I have no idea.
Well, I want to be someone! So far, this whole "being a god" thing sucks.
You guys, you can do something, even if it is just give chicks pointy nipples.
Oh, you had to go there, didn't you? Me, apparently I haven't even got the right number of hearts.
Hey.
- You all right? - Kind of over it, actually.
We could go home, if you want.
Yeah, I reckon.
You know what I haven't done today? Is wished you happy birthday.
Properly.
What were you saying? We could head home? You go.
Um I'll catch up.
- Do I know you? - I know you're the birthday boy.
How's it going? Great.
I feel like a god.
Can you prove to me you're a god? I'll give it a shot.
If you catch me you can have me.
Hey, where's Axl? - He left, with vodka girl.
- No, he didn't.
- Yeah, he did.
- No, they're over there.
- The other one.
- There is no other one.
Well, he sure left with one.
Axl's scored on his birthday.
Big ups to him.
No, we need to find him.
Then take it away, Mister God of the Hunt.
This is pathetic.
We'll never catch him at this rate.
Oh, I will thump you in a minute.
They went second street on the left, into the park.
Run, Forrest, run! Whoa! You could put an eye out with that.
Think you could stop me? - No sweat.
- 'Cause you're a god.
That's right.
- Are you a powerful god? - You bet.
'Cause I don't give it up for minor gods.
Then you've got the right god.
Then show me your awesome powers.
Catch this.
Far out.
Hey, you like that? God, me! Yeah! No! Shit! Didn't quite go to plan.
Oh, god.
Or not.
Ambulance, we need an ambulance.
All my vodka girls were accounted for when we left that party, so this magic had nothing to do with me.
Mr.
Johnson is an exceptionally fortunate young man.
If the arrow hadn't gone through his hand first, he wouldn't be with us now.
He's okay? As okay as a guy who had an arrow in his chest can be.
The tip of the arrow, the metal head, wedged between his ribs.
And when I say wedged, I mean wedged.
There was nothing we could do to Get it out, so we had no choice but to leave it there.
Is that safe? We'll be checking him, of course, but that puppy isn't going anywhere in a hurry.
Whoa, it's like he's got two hearts now.
How wicked is that? Well done, Michele.
You did precisely what you were told not to, and managed only to complete the prophecy.
Well, well done.
Then it's game on.
I guess it is.
Vodka martini, anyone? - I figured out my god power.
- Ssh.
Super-fast reactions.
I caught the arrow, and I would've caught the second one if Ty hadn't distracted me.
That's not your god power.
That was a fluke.
No way, I plucked it out of mid-air! Axl, shut up and listen.
You don't have a god power.
Eh? The signs are all in, man.
You are the living incarnation of Odin.
All Father, Leader of Souls.
Whoa.
Is that why I didn't die, 'cause I'm immortal? You're not immortal.
It was luck you didn't die, you moron.
I don't think it's wise to call Odin, god of whatever, a moron, do you? - What am I god of, by the way? - Wisdom, victory, magic.
Magic? Does that mean I can talk chicks into bed like Anders? Bloody hell, it's like giving an atom bomb to a toddler.
So how come I don't get a power? Doesn't seem fair.
You will get your powers.
We will all get our powers in full.
We will become true gods again, if the quest is completed.
What kind of quest? Doesn't involve, like, dragons and shit, does it? You need to find a woman.
- I can handle that.
- Not just any woman.
- Frigg.
- Frigg? - Who the frig is Frigg? - Odin's beloved.
Till they kind of split up, back in Asgard.
There was rooting around, blame on both sides.
If Odin and Frigg are reunited, then the House of Asgard will be rebuilt, and we will rule as gods once again.
Cool! So, how do I find this Frigg? As you are the human Incarnation of Odin, somewhere out there is the human Incarnation of Frigg.
You find each other somehow.
- Sweet.
- There's a catch.
There's always a catch.
The only other reincarnation Of Odin nice kid he was in love with a mortal girl before He became Odin, so he didn't take up the quest.
- Then he died.
- 'Cause he didn't take up the quest? No.
A tractor rolled on him at precisely 10:46 a.
m.
on Tuesday, 3 February, 1931.
And at 10:47 a.
m.
, an earthquake Hit Hawke's Bay and killed every member of his family, god and non-god.
That's the catch, Axl.
If you die before this quest is complete we all die too.
Great.
No pressure, then.
Freaky, eh? Axl! Oh my god, Axl, are you okay? Out of the way, you stupid bitch.
I'm so, so sorry.
Are you okay? All good.
Lightening flash reactions, eh? I was looking up when I should have been looking at the road.
Yeah.
It's amazing, eh? It's okay.
There are survivors.
Can I buy you some more beer to say sorry? Only if you bring it to our party.
It's, um, just around the corner at our place.
It's the latest in a series of parties rehearsing for my 21st.
- Ah, happy birthday.
- Ta.
- The sky still falling? - Bits of it are.
We should go inside where it's safe and hide under the covers.
Ty, I think you're a great guy.
You're funny and sweet but I just don't see you, you know, that way.
Do you know what I mean? But I hope we can be friends.
Can we do that, do you think? Be friends? Sure.
That is so cool.
You're so sweet.
I have to go now but I'll text you.
Sure.
You were amazing tonight.
There wasn't a man in that bar that could take his eyes off you.
The women too.
Shut up.
You moved among them like a nymph through a forest dispensing hope at every shoot.
You're music to their ears, magnet to their eyes, fire to their loins.
And now you're here with me.
They'll come out exactly the same as last time.
You know that.
Poo.
Leave it, Ingrid.
I dislike doing this as much as you, but if it's not done now, it gets trickier.
Doesn't it? Nice trampoline.
Yeah, Zeb found it on the street one night when we were on our way back from the pub.
As you do.
I think they're the last remains of a world that died thousands of years ago.
That's a kind of gloomy way of looking at it.
It's just the way it is.
Everything dies sooner or later.
This is just them going out in a blaze of glory.
I know we're getting saturated But we'll be alright I know that it's cold when the half-light is fading What the heck? Oh yeah.
Hey.
Let's get out of here.
Save the beer! Oph.
- Get off me.
- It's the apocalypse.
Hey, buddy.
Ah.
There you are.
Hiding under a glass table is not such a good idea.
Dawn.
I was just thinking about you.
It's erupting.
- What is? - The volcano.
- Hmm, not it's not.
- I felt it.
That was an earthquake not an eruption.
Hey, how's the job going? What do you mean "how's the job going?" I'm standing on a volcano in an eruption! It's not an eruption.
How do you know? Because it's an Auckland volcano.
Auckland volcanoes never erupt.
Well, Auckland never has earthquakes.
Dawn, I have to go and comfort the traumatized now.
Well, I'm traumatized too, Anders.
No, no, nonsense.
You're doing a great job.
Make sure it's done by sunrise.
Thank you.
Actually, I think it's kind of cool that our flat looks the same after a natural disaster as it did before.
That's because I've got two useless dicks as flatmates.
And you love us.
Forget the tidying.
Have a beer.
It's after midnight.
Is it? Stand up.
Why? So I can hug you.
Idiot.
Happy 21st, Axl.
- Have you seen the sea today? - No, I haven't seen the sea.
- It's freaky.
- If you say so.
Are you going to get them? Yes, Mike, I said I would get them and they will be here.
Don't be late.
On that subject, any sign of Olaf? You just stick to what you need to do.
I'll take that as a no.
He'll be here.
What day is it? Uh, yesterday was Friday so, I'm pretty sure it's Saturday.
Saturday? Yes.
Hmm, Saturday.
Oh! Buggery bollocks.
Catch you next time I'm through, babe.
Useless! I told you you should have sent me, not the handmaiden.
Don't call me that.
- Bitch face.
- That's enough.
This makes things, as you say, trickier.
The prophesy is not complete.
But it will be by the end of the day.
If we believe in the prophesy which we do Then let me kill him before the end of the day.
No.
You do not touch him.
We had our window and missed it.
So we figure out something else.
Sorry.
But the police didn't actually arrest you, did they? Only 'cause we hid in the bushes.
Me getting arrested would have been a bad thing, by the way.
Oh, Dawn, they're not going to send you to jail, not for defacing a volcano.
What you did last night was amazing, Above and beyond the call of duty.
You're a legend.
You're the greatest.
Don't you forget that.
And, lo, he still talks crap.
Dawn, are you still working for this asshole? - I have no idea why.
- Dawn, when you two have Finished reminiscing, um, you know, the Valkyrie we hired For the launch? I need you to send flowers to one of them.
Which one? - Ah - Oh, you are still all class.
Yeah, you'd better make it both of them just to be on the safe side.
- I'm not going.
- Yeah, you are.
Whatever will happen will happen whether I'm there or not and I've got a million things to do.
For once in your life, do something for someone other than you.
Why? 'Cause Mike says so? Oh, get over yourself.
I'm sick of the both of you.
One day out of your life for Axl then you never have to speak to Mike again if that's what you want so cut the crap.
We're leaving now! Okay.
If it stops doing your Mr.
Freezie routine.
Olaf shown up yet? I'm here.
Well done.
You want to go to the pub? I thought you had a family thing to do today.
Whatever Mike's being all deep and meaningful about can wait till tonight.
Let's just go to the pub instead.
Shouldn't you be pacing yourself? I don't even want the stupid party.
It'll be fun.
It'll be very fussy if Mike planned it.
Please just say we can go to the pub.
I have to go to work and then I've got to pick up my dress for tonight.
You don't have to get all flashed up for the party.
Maybe I want to.
Fine.
Me and Zeb will just go to the pub without you.
Zeb's gone to work.
- Then it'll just be me at the pub, won't it? - Hmm.
- Happy birthday, dickhead.
- Your destiny awaits.
Get in the van now.
I thought you were banished from this family.
Flying visit.
Get in the van.
Do I really have to whatever this sodding thing is? Yes.
Really.
Don't you want to meet your grandfather? Uh, I don't have a grandfather.
Get in the van, Axl.
Come on.
- Why are we here? - Who do you think he'll get? - No one if he's lucky.
- Ouch.
That's cold.
It never stops being funny to you, does it? What are you guys talking about? Olaf! - Axl.
- You made it, cuz.
- You've doubted me? - You bring the weed like you said? We shall talk of that later.
Huh.
Sweet.
Good of you to make the time.
Well, you know me, I'm all about family.
We should kick this thing off.
What the thing? I thought I was meeting a grandparent I don't have.
Surprise.
It's a bit of a shock, I know, but the truth is I'm your granddad, not your cousin.
I'm 92-years old, nearly 93.
Okay, so someone has been doing the magic mushrooms again, cuz.
No 'shrooms, Axl.
This is real.
On my 21st birthday, I became the mortal Incarnation of Baldr so I am, among other things, the god of rebirth.
Every morning, I am born again.
Not literally, thank god.
Bottom line is I get old really, really, really slowly.
I know it's freaky but what you need to get your head around, Axl, is that your family are all gods.
Gods? Norse gods.
Norse gods from Norsewood.
That's where us Norse gods ended up.
Fleeing religious Persecution by the religious After the big mistake of Leaving Asgard to walk amongst the mortals.
Till the mortals started chasing us pagans with sticks And burning our houses down.
So we bravely ran away.
To New Zealand.
Okay, what the fuck is going on? I'm Ullr.
Bragi, god of poetry.
Hod, god of everything dark and cold.
Yay Hod.
Okay.
You are seriously mental if you think I am falling for this crap.
Very funny.
Ha-ha.
Did you throw a fucking sword at me? Hey.
No.
I threw it at the tree.
If I'd thrown it at you, it would have hit you and killed You which would kind of defeat the purpose.
What purpose? You'll see.
- Fuck this! - You guys are mental.
You need to stay.
Ahh.
I love the irony of how ice can also burn.
What an awesome super power.
Get the sword.
Get it and bring it here.
- Man, how did you - I told you.
I'm Ullr.
Well, who is Ullr when he's at home? God of the hunt, among other things.
Such a waste.
Don't start.
Just pull the bloody sword out, come back here and family oracle Olaf will explain.
Family what? Some gods are also oracles.
They know shit.
We have Olaf.
Okay, I know this is messing with your head, but my mother And father were gods so I'm a god.
My son was a god.
He married your mother, who was a goddess.
And when the sprog of a god and a goddess turn 21, they too - Become a god, okay? - And that's what we're doing here today, turning you into a god.
- Which just happens to be on the day of my 21st? - Yeah, right.
This is the ancient ceremony that 21st parties are based on.
But no one except us knows that.
Naw.
No way are you dicks gods.
If you're gods then where are your god powers? I'm 92-years old.
Yeah.
Right.
The power of my poetry bends mortals to my will.
As long as they're blond and stupid.
- It works on lots of people.
- Mainly stupid blond ones you want to screw.
Well, at least I do more than making the room slightly colder.
Will you two shut the fuck up? The thing is, over the last few thousand years, our powers have, well, diminished till mostly they're not that powerful.
At all.
Do the paper, rock, scissors thing.
That freaked me out on my 21st.
What, so Ullr is the god of paper, rock, scissors? Of all games, actually.
Okay.
Let's do it.
Whoo-hoo.
Mike's going to use his powers.
Must be important.
Paper, rock, scissors.
If after this, you believe, will you do exactly what I say? After paper, rock, scissors? Whatever.
- You think sooner or later you win one, right? - Just once.
But the laws of probability don't apply to Mike.
Why can't I get something fun? Believe, bro.
It's true.
Step into the circle.
- The stones are from Asgard.
- Where? Norse god home.
- Oh.
Take off your clothes.
- What? - Look, you don't have to.
- Trust me.
Take off your clothes.
Gayest god ever.
- I loved that jacket.
- It was totally ruined.
- What happened to the jacket? - Just forget about the jacket.
You said you'd do what I say and Yeah, actually, in the nude is probably best.
You're going to film this and play it at the party, right? No, Axl.
This stays between us.
That's the way it's always Been and the way that it has to be.
Okay.
Now what? Circle.
- Hold it over your head.
- What for? - For the lightening bolt.
- Couldn't you just say the sign, grandpa? For the sign.
Lightening.
Right.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Just getting a better view.
Just hold up the bloody sword.
Okay, I demand to know exactly what the fu-uu-uck!!! I had no idea how cool that looks from the outside.
Oh, bro, yours was feeble compared to that.
That was intense.
Axl.
Are you okay? What a rush.
Never appear to be under-whelmed.
Am I a god now? Whoo.
I feel like a god.
A million volts just coursed through your body.
Of course you feel like a bloody god.
Which god? Now what happens is family oracle Olaf tells us He was standing right there.
Yeah, I know where he was standing, Anders.
Olaf! Olaf.
Wh what's that? Olaf! Olaf.
Is this, like, god language? No.
This is like the time peyote and thought Valerie's cat was Loki.
- Who's Loki? Is he a god? - Yes.
- So, am I Loki? - Only Olaf knows.
- But I'm a god, right? - Yes, Axl, you are now a god.
Any chance you could put your pants on? Be a pants-on god? Olaf.
Are you okay? Odin.
Odin.
I've heard of him.
What can he do? Can he do cool shit? Only Olaf knows.
We have to look after Olaf.
Odin is like the Big Kahuna of Norse gods, right? So he's got to have what? A super strength, right? You come with me.
If I'm Odin, how come you still get to tell me what to do? 'Cause I'm still your big brother.
See you tonight.
If he is Odin, you know that changes everything, right? Yeah, I know.
Thanks for the lift, Mike.
Really nice talking.
I mean, it's not like I've got a few questions, it's not like my whole world changed today.
Hey! You never talk to anyone about this, you got it? Well, that sucks all the fun out of it.
- Never! - Kidding, got it.
And hide the sword.
It's the job of the youngest to keep it safe.
Cool.
No, not cool.
Important.
Can I do Odin shit with it? Maybe Odin should just hurl a thunderbolt up your arse, bro! See how you like that! I have had Maori people, Council people, greeny people abusing me over the phone all morning.
That'll wash off in a couple of days.
Dawn, I need you to do something.
Oh, you want me to stick a giant vodka bottle on top of Rangitoto? No, but good idea.
I need a phone number for the vodka girly.
- Which one? - I'm not fussed.
Hey, bro, time to - Awesome sword! - Where did you get that? It's kind of a birthday present.
- Can I have a go? - No.
I'll let you play with mine if I can play with yours! Eh? Okay, mine isn't as big as yours, but it's still pretty Sorry.
What the hell was that for?! I just saw the dagger and I reacted.
- I loved that dagger, man.
- Sorry.
- Check you out.
- You scrub up well.
- Stop it.
- Nice sword.
Ta.
- Let's go get coma-ed.
- Sounds like a plan.
Axl! Happy birthday.
Thanks, Val.
Everything's set up out the back.
Make yourself at home.
If you say so.
Hello.
How's it hanging? You're brave.
I'm sure they'll be very well behaved.
Ta.
Olaf woken up yet? He's in your old room.
Not bad for 92, eh? Anything else I should know about our fucked-up family? That Valerie's actually a Terminator sent back from the future to try and kill us? Only on her bad days.
Otherwise She's a mortal who knows nothing.
You haven't even told your wife.
- That's harsh.
- That's the way it has to be.
How would I know how it has to be? You spring this shit on me and then no one tells me a thing! Until Olaf rejoins the land of the living, we wait.
So which gods were mum and dad? Mom was Freyja, goddess of prosperity.
Dad was Njord, god of the sea.
So a farm on the Central Hawke's Bay Well, not so good for him.
He sailed off into the sunset, and then Mum died in - The jumping accident.
- Yes.
And no.
I know for a fact Dad buggered off.
My 21st present was Mum telling me how being the mother To four gods was too horrible to contemplate.
And I was in charge now, because she was off to become a tree.
And she walked off into the forest, and she was never seen again.
So for all I know She became a tree.
I mean, what was I meant to do? Tell a bunch of bloody kids their mother is a fucking tree? I told Anders and I told Ty on their 21st, and now it is your turn.
Happy birthday, little bro.
Christ, I thought this family was screwed up before today.
Yeah, well, now you are learning.
Oh! Sorry.
Skal, skal, skal, skal, skal, skal! Give him another one, give him another one! - Here we go, here we go! - And skal, skal, skal, skal! Look at them.
They all think they're gods.
Oh, I missed those days.
- I told them about mum - Our mom is the tree.
Our mom in our family history.
Ander! Axl, my baby brother, who as become a man.
- I come bearing gifts.
- Oh, shit.
This is my little brother I told you about.
Be nice with him, okay? A word.
Of course.
It's my brother's 21st, I've got a right to be here.
- Like fuck you do.
- Oh, come on, Michael.
I can't even bring my baby bro a present? That's mean even by your righteous standards.
No, you and the shit you bring, you stay away from my world.
You know that.
Oh, come on, lighten up.
Little eye candy for the boys? Axl has a good time, maybe gets his end away? Everyone's a winner.
For once in your life, would you get off this horse? I'm not doing anything evil, but you treat it like it's date rape or something.
And those girls will sleep with you later 'cause you're a nice guy.
I never talk anyone into doing stuff they don't actually want to do deep down.
They just didn't know they wanted to do it until they met me.
Come on, Mike.
All I do is unlock the door.
- You know that.
- Yeah, you're a saint.
- No, Mike, I'm a god.
- Like Axl's a god.
You should try it sometime.
We don't know for sure he is Odin yet.
But if he is, we all better get on his good side.
And that's the only reason you are here! - I'm here out of love, Mike.
- Don't worry.
I'm not going to mess with your little happy suburban hiding place.
But Axl's 21 now, so you can stop playing dad.
Ty thinks it's a curse making everything around him cold.
But check out her top.
See? The headlights are on.
- That is a gift, my friend.
- Why is he here? Because he forgets where he's not wanted.
Ignore him.
- You okay? - I feel very little pain.
Not tonight, but come tomorrow, oh yeah.
Dance? Me? Nah.
Yes, you.
You guys are my best flatmates ever! The next time we host a 21st, can it be for our own kid? I can handle it.
Shit! Oh, sorry.
There's something important I have to tell you.
Valerie's on drugs! No, she's just stressed.
No, I caught her shooting up.
I'm serious, man! I mean, I really love you two and I hate to tell you this, but I caught her.
Hormones, yeah? She's injecting hormones as part of the IVF program.
To make a baby.
- Oh! - Yeah.
What, doesn't your cock work? Hey, man, your cousin is a cracker.
- Eh? - The stoner, man.
He's out of it.
I guess he's better now.
You're the oracle, the oracular, or whatever the word is.
Is he Odin or not? If Axl is the new Odin, all the signs What signs? Well, I'm getting to the signs.
No pressure, Olaf, just First sign, fire in the night Sky for seven nights before he returns.
- They're a sign? - Not necessarily.
- You just said they were.
- Will you let me finish? Sign number two, the earth shall Tremble on the day of his arrival.
- The earthquake? - Yes.
But it still means nothing without sign number three.
The seas run red as if with blood.
No way has that come to pass.
Uh What? The news reckons it was some kind of algal bloom or something.
Okay, but even that doesn't count as a sign unless the next sign happens.
- Otherwise it's just freaky shit.
- And what's the next sign? The sun shall rise on the sign of Odin, written large upon The slopes of fire for all to know that he returns.
- And what is the sign of Odin? - The Valknut.
Like a walnut? - It's a symbol, triangles all mixed up.
All mixed up.
- Oh.
What a dick.
I was flogging booze to the masses, how am I meant to know I was fulfilling a prophecy? - A prophecy? - Cool! - No, not cool.
- And not fulfilled.
Not until the last sign.
When he returns, he will have The heart of Man and the heart of the Earth.
Am I some kind of genetic freak? Do you have two hearts? Of course I don't have two hearts.
What about a tattoo of a heart plus your actual heart? No.
But if I got a tattoo of a heart, would that make me Odin? I have no idea.
Well, I want to be someone! So far, this whole "being a god" thing sucks.
You guys, you can do something, even if it is just give chicks pointy nipples.
Oh, you had to go there, didn't you? Me, apparently I haven't even got the right number of hearts.
Hey.
- You all right? - Kind of over it, actually.
We could go home, if you want.
Yeah, I reckon.
You know what I haven't done today? Is wished you happy birthday.
Properly.
What were you saying? We could head home? You go.
Um I'll catch up.
- Do I know you? - I know you're the birthday boy.
How's it going? Great.
I feel like a god.
Can you prove to me you're a god? I'll give it a shot.
If you catch me you can have me.
Hey, where's Axl? - He left, with vodka girl.
- No, he didn't.
- Yeah, he did.
- No, they're over there.
- The other one.
- There is no other one.
Well, he sure left with one.
Axl's scored on his birthday.
Big ups to him.
No, we need to find him.
Then take it away, Mister God of the Hunt.
This is pathetic.
We'll never catch him at this rate.
Oh, I will thump you in a minute.
They went second street on the left, into the park.
Run, Forrest, run! Whoa! You could put an eye out with that.
Think you could stop me? - No sweat.
- 'Cause you're a god.
That's right.
- Are you a powerful god? - You bet.
'Cause I don't give it up for minor gods.
Then you've got the right god.
Then show me your awesome powers.
Catch this.
Far out.
Hey, you like that? God, me! Yeah! No! Shit! Didn't quite go to plan.
Oh, god.
Or not.
Ambulance, we need an ambulance.
All my vodka girls were accounted for when we left that party, so this magic had nothing to do with me.
Mr.
Johnson is an exceptionally fortunate young man.
If the arrow hadn't gone through his hand first, he wouldn't be with us now.
He's okay? As okay as a guy who had an arrow in his chest can be.
The tip of the arrow, the metal head, wedged between his ribs.
And when I say wedged, I mean wedged.
There was nothing we could do to Get it out, so we had no choice but to leave it there.
Is that safe? We'll be checking him, of course, but that puppy isn't going anywhere in a hurry.
Whoa, it's like he's got two hearts now.
How wicked is that? Well done, Michele.
You did precisely what you were told not to, and managed only to complete the prophecy.
Well, well done.
Then it's game on.
I guess it is.
Vodka martini, anyone? - I figured out my god power.
- Ssh.
Super-fast reactions.
I caught the arrow, and I would've caught the second one if Ty hadn't distracted me.
That's not your god power.
That was a fluke.
No way, I plucked it out of mid-air! Axl, shut up and listen.
You don't have a god power.
Eh? The signs are all in, man.
You are the living incarnation of Odin.
All Father, Leader of Souls.
Whoa.
Is that why I didn't die, 'cause I'm immortal? You're not immortal.
It was luck you didn't die, you moron.
I don't think it's wise to call Odin, god of whatever, a moron, do you? - What am I god of, by the way? - Wisdom, victory, magic.
Magic? Does that mean I can talk chicks into bed like Anders? Bloody hell, it's like giving an atom bomb to a toddler.
So how come I don't get a power? Doesn't seem fair.
You will get your powers.
We will all get our powers in full.
We will become true gods again, if the quest is completed.
What kind of quest? Doesn't involve, like, dragons and shit, does it? You need to find a woman.
- I can handle that.
- Not just any woman.
- Frigg.
- Frigg? - Who the frig is Frigg? - Odin's beloved.
Till they kind of split up, back in Asgard.
There was rooting around, blame on both sides.
If Odin and Frigg are reunited, then the House of Asgard will be rebuilt, and we will rule as gods once again.
Cool! So, how do I find this Frigg? As you are the human Incarnation of Odin, somewhere out there is the human Incarnation of Frigg.
You find each other somehow.
- Sweet.
- There's a catch.
There's always a catch.
The only other reincarnation Of Odin nice kid he was in love with a mortal girl before He became Odin, so he didn't take up the quest.
- Then he died.
- 'Cause he didn't take up the quest? No.
A tractor rolled on him at precisely 10:46 a.
m.
on Tuesday, 3 February, 1931.
And at 10:47 a.
m.
, an earthquake Hit Hawke's Bay and killed every member of his family, god and non-god.
That's the catch, Axl.
If you die before this quest is complete we all die too.
Great.
No pressure, then.