The Artful Dodger (2023) s01e01 Episode Script
The Artful Dodger
(THUMPING)
(CROWD CLAMOURING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
CROWD: (CHANTING) Cut! Cut!
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
- CROWD: Cut! Cut!
- MAN 1: Cut him!
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
Sign here.
Do you even earn that in a year?
No, you cheated!
He's a miserable shitting cheat.
Wait, wait!
I'm good for it. I
can get you the money.
Show-off.
Jealous?
(CROWD CLAMOURING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Gentlemen.
The Royal Hospital somewhat proudly
presents Dr. Rainsford Sneed.
(CROWD CHEERING)
And the much celebrated
Dr. Jack Dawkins.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Now, we have a fine one
for you today, gents.
A leg, shattered. Falling
down a mine shaft, was it?
(CROWD CLAMOURS)
The question, though, is who cuts?
Heads.
CROWD: Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
(CLAMOURING INTENSIFIES)
- Me.
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- I bet you can't do it under 43.
- A pound says 29.
When have you ever had a pound?
As soon as you lose.
Gentlemen!
Dr. Sneed here seems to think
that I can't amputate this leg in
less than his record of 43 seconds.
(CROWD BOOS)
Well, I beg to differ!
(CROWD CHEERS)
Mr. Champflower, this will be
the worst 30 seconds of your life,
but I promise, I will
make it as quick as I can.
Your favourite memory.
Take your mind there now.
(CROWD CLAMOURING)
MAN 1: Here we go.
MAN 2: Get in there!
- MAN 3: Hack him.
- Time me.
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHAMPFLOWER GROANS)
Time?
- Twenty-eight seconds, gentlemen.
- (CHEERING)
Twenty-eight seconds!
A lucky cut.
TIM: Come on, gents, let's go.
Into the hat, come on. It'll
all go to Dr. Dawkins, let's go.
- Come on!
- Good man.
FANNY: She's so stubborn!
Never considers all the work I've
done to find her a good match.
Just completely focused
on whatever harebrained
(GASPS) Don't do that!
- What?
- Whatever that is.
You stormed in on me.
What's that ungovernable stench?
Your perfume?
No, it's ether.
The new Lancet reports the
most extraordinary thing.
You can give the patient ether,
and they don't feel a thing.
I mean, you can perform
surgery without pain.
Can't you understand?
This changes everything.
Oh, my God. That's so interesting.
Come. The Honourable Mortimer
Smales is soon to arrive,
and there is so much to do.
Remind me.
The Honourable Mortimer Smales.
He just sailed four months from England.
Do you know how much effort it takes to
get potential suitors out to Australia?
Oh.
No, I'm, I'm far too busy to
meet anybody called Mortimer.
Can you please hurry up and
marry someone, so then I can
Engage in what the wedding service
so delicately calls "sexual union"?
Oh, God, you're so vulgar.
This is the sixth
suitor you've sent away.
What was wrong with the last
one? Sir Jeremy Glasscock?
His teeth.
You know perfectly well
I can't marry 'til you do.
See, that just makes no sense.
You should marry whoever
you like, whenever you like.
Go and marry the Honourable Snail.
- Society doesn't work that way.
- Fine.
All right, tell Mildred,
or whatever his name is
that I will marry him, all right?
I just can't meet him
for a little while.
- Really?
- No.
Get out.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
- How's that squawker, Mrs. Wellings?
- Still noisy.
Good, good. Healthy
lungs. You're doing well.
Dr. Jack.
Leg good, Mr. Hootens?
Actually, it's been sore again.
Been up all night.
When I try and bend it, it's agony.
You see, I think
Why don't you come
see me at the hospital?
Yeah
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Charlie.
- Jack.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
What'd he do?
(CROWD GASPS)
Escaped convict.
DARIUS: Get out! Get
out of the way. Jack!
Get out of here!
I really don't feel comfortable
doing this, Dr. Jack,
but I've got responsibilities.
(DODGER GROANS)
This isn't London, Jack.
There's nowhere to hide.
I know where you work.
- Twenty-six pounds by next Monday.
- Friday.
Tuesday.
And I'll be merciful. I'll
let you choose which hand.
Was it really necessary to
come outside so early, Fanny?
He's had ever so long a journey,
we must be here to greet him.
- What do you think he'll be wearing?
- Clothes, one hopes.
(GROANS SOFTLY)
Could you at least try and be excited?
Better.
I'm so thrilled I might pop.
Lovely.
(CARRIAGE APPROACHING)
(DOG BARKS)
- (DOG BARKS)
- GOVERNOR: Shush, shush, boy.
Mr. Smales. It is my pleasure
to introduce you to Lady
(CLEARS THROAT)
Lady Belle.
(HORSE NEIGHS)
"Sweet lady with eyes so bright,
"that fill my heart with such delight."
No, thank you.
Say something to him.
Did you know, Mr. Smales, the
human bowel is 15 feet long?
If you stretch it out, it would be
you, plus me, plus a bit of Fanny.
(HORSE NEIGHS)
GUARD: New convicts, over here.
GAINES: Barely any labour left
in them after these seas voyages.
Just sea sores and scurvy.
Chain gang.
Also, chain gang.
(THUDS)
Chain gang for this one, too.
Enough.
Cheer up, Dawkins. You look
like you swallowed a lemon.
- Name?
- Milly Wince.
And your crime?
I stole clothes for me baby,
but he died on the way over.
What was his name?
Benjy.
She can help the schoolma'am.
(WHISPERS) But I can't read.
It's all right, they'll teach you.
All right, next.
GAINES: Chain gang!
(MAN BREATHING HEAVILY)
Hello, Dodge.
Been a time?
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Dog got your tongue?
You're dead.
They hanged you 15 years ago in Newgate.
Surprise, surprise. (CHUCKLES)
What are you?
Why are they all salutin'
you like you're royalty?
I was a navy surgeon, an officer.
Oh.
You've done well for yourself,
boy. I'm proud of you.
What are you doing here, Fagin?
Well, Her Majesty and I thought
that I could benefit from a
bit of quiet time in the colony.
Now, listen to me.
I can decide your fate
with a stroke of my pen,
so if one word gets
out about our past
No, I would never do that. Never. Never.
To even think it hurts.
No. I'm here for you, just
as I hope you're here for me.
Because sometimes, a covey gets
pushed into a corner like a rat,
and the only way out is to bite.
So, don't make me bite you, Dodge.
What do you want?
Well, a little bird flapped
in and whispered to me
that you'd escaped
from prison in London.
Do they hang escaped convicts here?
I'll take that as a yes.
Don't fret, I'd never give you up,
just keep me off that chain gang.
GAINES: Dawkins.
Everything all right?
Yes. I thought he might
have something contagious,
but it's just his stench.
Where's he going?
I need another on the chain gang.
Doesn't matter if he
doesn't last that long.
No, I was thinking of making
him my convict servant.
Really? That's unconventional.
- I see untapped potential.
- GAINES: Very untapped, I'd say.
Yes, I have a nose
for this kind of thing.
Yes, well, you'll want to plug it.
The man smells like
a Yorkshire pig house.
- I like him.
- Come on.
What is this?
It's hurting me lungs. I
can't put me finger on it.
It's fresh air. Pick up my bag.
What?
Pick up my bag.
Why?
Because you are my servant now.
If you do not do what I
say, I will have you flogged.
Dodge.
Dodge, has it come to this?
You'll need to look
less syphilitic scarecrow
if you wanna be my servant.
Very nice. Why are you so scratchy?
Why am I so scratchy?
Because you left me in a cell,
as a boy, alone in the cold.
You abandoned me.
The minute Oliver got me pinched,
you walked away, and never came back.
I did try to help you as
soon as the coast was clear.
They said you'd escaped in a
snowstorm, no shoes, middle of winter.
No one survives that.
I thought you was dead.
And you went on your merry way.
Look. Don't you think I grieved?
Don't you think I suffered?
I fell apart when you left.
It was agony, Dodge. I couldn't
sleep, I cried every night,
I woke up with me mouth all dry
because there was no more tears.
I wanted them to hang
me just to get it over.
Because the worst I done,
worse than all me bad deeds,
is I left me beautiful boy.
And I could never forgive meself.
I prayed. I did. I asked
God to snap me neck.
And I did not protest on
the way to the gallows,
I yearned for them because
I deserved the rope.
And then that shitting
do-gooder Oliver Twist saved me
at the last second with a reprieve.
Well, all is forgiven then.
Look, look, I know you don't believe me,
but ever since I rescued you
from outside that pub as a baby
You told me you rescued me from inside.
Inside, outside, it's all one.
But ever since then, I have
loved you in me own odd way.
With me own odd heart.
Awful lot of wealthy people
in this town, isn't there?
DODGER: I will give
you a roof and a job.
Only because I am a doctor,
and you look like you've
been spat out a bilge hole.
Well, in a manner of speaking, I have.
Once you're healthy, you're out.
Jiminy, look at this!
Do not touch anything.
You shall sleep here, understood?
(FAGIN EXHALES)
That's the floor.
DODGER: Yes. Well done.
You can wear these. I'm
sure Mr. Grundy won't mind.
Why not?
'Cause he is dead.
Gangrene last Thursday.
(GASPS SOFTLY) Bit whiffy.
But, yeah, nice, nice.
How did you get here?
A good man gave me a future.
Well, yes, I always tried for you.
Not you. Captain Grimm.
The man I pinched the watch from.
He was a Navy officer, and
he liked my quick fingers.
He saw the mess you'd left me
in and decided to help me escape.
There you go. There you go.
Your good fortune's all down to me.
And how'd you work that out?
Pickpocketing.
How'd' you think you got
those quick fingers, Doctor?
And if I hadn't have let you get nicked,
you'd never be a surgeon, would ya?
Well, thank you very much, Fagin.
There's no need. It's
what a father does.
(CHUCKLES) Look at these.
Ah!
Now, I can see you clearly.
Let's have a little look.
Oh, dear.
Oh, no. (CHUCKLES)
What's up your cranny?
You're not the happy Dodge I knew.
I have a 26 pound debt on my head.
And if I don't pay it, I
get my hand chopped off.
Which one?
My choice.
Well, that's something.
Then I come at a fortuitous time. There.
If by that, you mean pilfering,
I'm afraid those days are
long gone. I am an officer.
- Former.
- A gentleman.
- Sort of.
- And a surgeon.
Not without both your hands.
HETTY: Doctor, we need
you in the surgery now.
The professor's drunk and he
wants to operate on Mr. Hootens.
You do not leave this room.
HETTY: He's been at
the gin since morning.
(MAN GROANS)
I told you it was sore, doc.
Don't worry, I'm gonna
save you, all right?
Gentlemen,
today, we perform Hunter's
procedure for a popliteal aneurysm.
We open up the thigh, ligate the
artery, and if it bursts, he dies.
But he's not going to die today.
Scalpel. Thank you.
Hold still.
ALISTAIR: (SLURRING)
What? No, I'm taking over.
- This needs a steady hand.
- We have it, Professor.
I very much doubt that.
Scalpel.
DODGER: Not that one, sir.
- Higher, sir!
- (SCREAMS)
ALISTAIR: You distracted
me during a vital procedure!
You had the wrong artery!
Sneed, give me a hand.
Tourniquet! Tourniquet, now!
Sneed, quickly!
Quickly!
- Three, two, one, exsanguinate.
- Come on. Come on. Wake up.
- No!
- (CROWD GROANS)
You shouldn't have interfered, Dawkins.
That'll go on your loss tally now.
ALISTAIR: He's just not up to the task.
Sad, but true.
The idea of having a
man of his low standing,
- was always gonna be fraught.
- Well, worth a go.
Surely, there must be
somebody more competent.
GOVERNOR: Not in Port Victory.
Next option's four months off in London.
What happened to the last
fellow you recommended, Prof?
Dr. Hopmoor.
Killed the patient, an observer,
and himself in one surgery.
And from memory, he's the only surgeon
in history with a 300% mortality rate.
Hmm.
So, he's not an option, then. Pity.
ALISTAIR: We'll find someone.
But Dawkins just isn't up to scratch.
LADY JANE: That's a
shame and surprising.
He had the most
extraordinary recommendation
from the First Lord of the Admiralty
Yes, wartime's different. It's
LADY JANE: What was it he said?
"The most brilliant young
surgeon in the Royal Navy."
Yes. Yes, something along those lines.
Hmm.
You doubt his surgical skill, Rainsford?
Well Not that.
- He's insolent.
- Yes.
He's a liberal and a radical.
He takes too many risks, and
he doesn't follow the rules.
LADY JANE: Well, if you think so, Prof.
You'll have to write to the First
Lord of the Admiralty, darling,
and explain how terribly wrong he was.
Hmm.
Well, I think we might continue this
little experiment for a while longer.
But if he puts another
foot wrong, out on his ear.
Worth a read.
Nicely played.
I rather thought so.
Now, I want you to spend some
time with Mr. Smales, darling.
Don't just dismiss him out
of hand like all the others.
- Captain Gaines.
- I need the Governor to sign these.
- And what are they?
- Government business.
What kind?
Well
death warrants.
Ridding the colony of some
of its more noxious elements.
Yes, this one stole a chicken.
I can see why she poses
such a threat to good order.
I'll see my husband gets them.
You bastard.
Where's my
How did you?
(YOUNG DODGER GROANS AND COUGHS)
You cocky little shit.
You think your mate
Fagin's gonna get you out?
You're here for 15 years.
FAGIN: Is he? Shift over, shift over.
Fagin. I knew you wouldn't leave me.
I'd never do that, Dodge.
Now, the thing is, my dear, right now,
I'm being blamed for a murder
that I definitely didn't do.
We're gonna keep our
heads down for the moment.
I can't get you out immediately.
I've gotta look after number one.
YOUNG DODGER: No.
Fagin, you can't leave me here.
Please. Please don't leave me here.
FAGIN: Who's really in prison, eh?
I mean, you've got a
roof over your head.
You have a meal once in a while.
Whereas me and the boys are
still chained to the vicissitudes
of having to make a living.
And you'll be a king
when you get out of here.
Lagged for 15 years at
13. I'm proud of you, boy.
You've established a
glorious reputation.
The gang won't be the same without ya.
See you, Dodge.
BOY: Bye, Dodger.
No. Fagin, please
don't leave me in here.
Dodge,
if it helps, I do feel bad about this.
SMALES: Would you like
to play the harp for me?
- No.
- Oh.
I was rather hoping you'd say, "Yes."
Uh, did I tell you I had
a book of poetry published?
Several times.
Well, self-published.
That's how Wordsworth started out.
No, it's not.
Shall I read you some?
It's called, Upon The Dew-Lit
Morn, My Soul Took Flight, and Flew
"Upon the dew-lit morn "
- Where are you going?
- He's an insufferable bore.
Yes, but a rich one and from good stock.
Turn around.
At least show him the
town before you refuse him.
GOVERNOR: Marriage, Bonny.
Something you dogs don't
have to be tormented by.
(CLEARS THROAT)
And more's the pity for them.
BELLE: We have nothing in common.
- Talk to him about hospitals.
- Why?
Because his family founded one.
Didn't they, Mr. Smales?
SMALES: Well, uh, hospitals.
Other side of the family, of course.
Birmingham, Manchester, somewhere north.
India, one of them.
Fanny, why didn't you say something?
Come, we're going to see the hospital.
I've never been, and
I've always wanted to.
A hospital? No. What about miasma?
She'll catch some dreadful
- I would hate to disappoint Mr. Smales.
- I'm not really
BELLE: Have you ever heard of ether?
SMALES: Ether? No, was
he a friend of Bunty's?
How are you feeling, Mr. Champflower?
Me foot itches like one of Rotty's
dollymops, but it isn't there.
The phantom limb will soon fade.
I need a phantom hand to
bloody scratch it with.
Made this from a nice
little bit of damun.
You mob call it "fig wood," eh?
Put a soft cushion in
there for your stump, too.
- CHAMPFLOWER: Thanks, Tim.
- TIM: No worries!
DODGER: You'll be walking in no time.
- Are you breaking out?
- FAGIN: Yep.
Gotta sniff the place
out, get a feel for it.
- You know we're on the second floor?
- Yes, I realise that now.
That's why I'm tryna get back in.
Well, go on, then.
I think me back's seized up.
And me hip. Maybe me knee.
Yes, all right.
You try bein' in irons for four months,
and let's see how limber you are.
All right, come on.
- Two. Come here.
- (FAGIN GROANS)
(GRUNTS) Jehovah!
(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
Who do I say I am?
Nobody.
You don't say anything.
Pretend you're mute,
and then stay like that.
You can be my mute servant.
- Put that back.
- Why? I like it.
Because this is not
the East End of London.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mrs. Gaines, Dr. Dawkins.
Und Herr Dr. Guntstaffer from
Prussia brings you greetings, yes.
Two doctors?
The Lord provides.
Ah! What a lovely house you have.
So full of the precious objects, yes.
My only precious things
here are the words of Jesus.
Don't you agree, Doctor?
Yeah, Dr. Guntstaffer here,
was the greatest
physician of his generation
until he was tragically kicked
repeatedly in the head by an angry mule
and subsequently had half
his brain surgically removed.
Thus, I take great pity on
him as my former teacher.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Have you tried beating him?
Because I hear a beating can be
quite nourishing for the imbecile.
That is a very good
thought, Mrs. Gaines.
- Now, tell me, how can I help?
- Well
It's my thigh.
Again?
Yes, the pain seems
to be creeping upwards.
Right.
Yes, I thought it might.
(EXHALES SEDUCTIVELY)
This is perfect.
You distract the women,
I'll flog their jewels.
Fagin, can we just not talk for a bit?
Lotta scratch in there, Dodge.
That woman in there is
Captain Gaines' wife.
What, the cold fish from the hospital?
Yes, that's the one. His
hobby is hanging people.
Twice. Just to make sure.
Well, at least he's got interests.
No more voices, all right?
This isn't London, there's
nowhere to hide here.
How long do you reckon it'd
take before we got rumbled?
- Not long, I should think.
- Then why're you doin' it?
Because who's going to have
to explain their way out of it?
The convict servant or
the escaped convict master?
No more voices.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Bonjour, madame.
I am Docteur Le Goff from Paris.
Doctor.
It's been happening since Monday,
this constant tickle in my throat.
- We could own this town.
- Shut up.
And then I coughed up the
most disgusting sputum.
I can't go to the
ball tonight like this.
What would the Governor think?
- (COUGHS)
- Not much of anything, I suppose.
Tell me, Docteur. What
do you think of this?
You see, when it comes to sputum,
the French medics, they like
to smell, and then taste it.
He doesn't speak much
English, I'm afraid.
Forgive me, Doctor. So rude.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
He's from Provence.
Ah.
Madam, you are as they say,
very healthy for the ball.
The sputum, c'est magnifique.
Lovely rubies, very shiny.
Stop it, Fagin.
What? Just an observation.
- Do you like dancing?
- No.
- Croquet?
- Snore.
- Fox hunting?
- Very much, no.
Oh. Why?
It's mindless, barbaric, and cruel.
What about you? Chemistry?
Geology?
- Oh, yes. With the maps.
- No, the rocks, but close.
(CARRIAGE RIDER URGES HORSE)
Anatomy?
- Poetry?
- Yes! Yes!
Anyone other than
yourself and Wordsworth?
- Such as?
- CARRIAGE RIDER: Move aside!
So, really, just
Wordsworth and fox hunting?
That's about the size of it.
(CHARLIE GROANS)
Oh, my God.
Here, Dodger. Are you going
to this Governor's ball?
Oh, yes, I've got my invitation on
me. In fact, it's for both of us.
- Really?
- No.
I'm not gonna get invited
to the Governor's ball,
let alone someone who looks like
they walked out of a nightmare.
Doc, lad's gone under a carriage.
BELLE: Help! We need a doctor!
Okay. Um, you're okay.
You'll be all right. You're doing great.
- Help!
- Coming through, coming through! Here.
BELLE: Thank God.
- I've put a tourniquet on.
- It's not tight enough.
I need something to tighten it with.
- Um
- (CHARLIE WHIMPERS)
DODGER: It's all right. I'm
gonna sort you right out.
BELLE: Can you fix it?
I'll need to amputate. Excuse me,
sir, can I borrow that? Thank you.
What about Bircher's
procedure to save it?
- DODGER: Miss, please.
- M'lady.
To do that, I would need
to drill into his leg bones,
and insert pegs to knit
them back together again.
He would die of shock and pain.
- Not if you take the pain with ether.
- The Yankee Dodge?
- Yes.
- That is unproven.
Except for Morton in
Boston and Liston in London.
- Do you even read The Lancet?
- Not while I have strength, no.
Anyway, that chump of a
Governor has banned ether,
so Prof wouldn't let
it near the hospital.
- That's just idiotic. Look, I've got
- Look, m'lady,
one of us is a qualified surgeon
and the other one is
carrying a bloody parasol.
So, thank you, but would
you mind awfully sodding off.
(CHARLIE GROANS)
Fagin, need a carriage.
What, like this one?
(CHARLIE WHIMPERS)
Would you like a lift?
Uh, excuse me?
Hey, it's not too bad, Charlie boy.
I've seen much worse at sea. Plus,
you're gonna have a terrific scar.
- A stump.
- CHARLIE: What?
Instead of using ether,
you're going to butcher the boy
- and condemn him to beggary?
- No!
Thank you. Wonderful
bedside manner you've got.
- You've got a knack for it.
- Someone's got to stick up for him.
- If only you'd listen.
- You're not gonna take it?
I promise, I am going to save your life.
You listen to me, you upstart.
I'd give anything to trial that surgery.
Anything. Surgery without pain
would revolutionise medicine.
- But I won't.
- Please, I need me leg.
Because the biggest risk to any surgeon
is the addiction to feeling like God.
You are gambling against death
with only your wit for ante,
and that is bloody exhilarating.
But the risk is not yours.
There is a person beneath your hands.
And the moment the cutter forgets
that, and gives into his ego,
then the patient is lost.
A surgeon is lost.
Might I suggest you find your spine?
It's usually around the back.
The hospital is that way.
- We're not going to the hospital.
- What?
Why? He doesn't have much time.
What are we doing here,
you ridiculous woman?
This is the Governor's residence.
Oh, God. You're the Governor's daughter.
Yes. I am the "chump"
Governor's daughter.
I'm Lady "Chump" Belle.
And you must be the Dr. Jack
Dawkins everyone speaks so fondly of.
Oh, fantastic. This is
workin' out superbly.
I can't perform an operation
here. I need surgical equipment.
- Yeah, I've got it.
- Why?
Just wait. I'll get supplies.
Have we just been kidnapped by a lady?
I could get used to this.
GOVERNOR: We'll be
starting the tour soon.
Starting the tour soon, do gather up
Ladies and gentlemen, if
you'd like to join us, please.
In just a few minutes, we'll
start our tour of the paintings.
Oh, sherbet. Spilt my fizz.
Do join us.
(EXHALES)
- (CHARLIE GROANS)
- DODGER: It's not long now, Charlie.
It's good, this.
Good? What part of this is good?
I got a dying child in there,
and I've got no surgical
equipment to save him.
Yesterday, I was in chains, and
today, I'm at the Governor's ball.
There's a lot more to come,
now that we're back together.
We are not back together.
Come on, it's perfect. Cucumber
sandwich or ten, bit of surgery?
Snatch the rubies, happy days.
You remember how they glistened, Dodge?
Like sun through summer wine.
Makes you almost wanna taste 'em.
I'm not a crook anymore.
Do you know the last time I
stole something was 15 years ago?
The same day you left me in prison.
Well, what a horrifying
waste of potential.
You were the best I ever trained.
- I'm so sorry to disappoint you.
- Well, you do!
You do. You're not
being true to yourself.
This is who I am!
Look.
What do you plan to do
for work without your hand?
You've gotta think bold and
big. It's the only way out.
One last time.
Just to pay off this debt,
and then I'm clean for good.
Of course, you are, my dear.
Come on. Take him down to the basement.
All right.
Come on, Charlie boy. Time to go.
Fagin, come on. Grab his leg. Carefully.
Careful, Fagin.
There's no time. We're gonna
have to do it here. Set him down.
- What?
- It's not ideal
Fagin, clear that table.
It's all right, Charlie.
Okay, all right.
It's all right.
GOVERNOR: Moving to the
ballroom, up on the left,
the double tapestry
by the Dutch artist
You can save the leg with
ether. You know you can.
titled Across the Pond. It's
quite an extraordinary piece
BELLE: Ladies and gentlemen!
The entertainment.
For our main event, I have
a very special treat for you.
Dr. Dawkins will perform an
operation, never been done before.
Where an inferior cowardly surgeon
might just simply remove the leg,
Dr. Dawkins will make a
thousand years of history
by trialling surgery with no pain.
The Yankee Dodge!
(GUESTS APPLAUD TEPIDLY)
Dodge.
I might just go and
watch you from up there.
Yeah, go, Fagin. Do it. Get them.
Uh, Belle, something for the bone peg?
(CHARLIE GROANS)
You're okay.
Good.
Now, if I get hanged for this,
I'll haunt your every waking moment.
I'll be that face you see in
your nightmares and trust me,
you will only have nightmares.
Do shut up and ether the patient.
- DODGER: You're all right.
- BELLE: Watch closely, everyone.
As Dr. Dawkins anaesthetises the boy,
- takes his pain
- You're fine.
and then operates with no sensation.
DODGER: Now, just breathe.
There, we go. That's it. Good lad.
Right.
- (MAN GROANS)
- (WOMAN EXCLAIMS)
(DODGER BREATHING HEAVILY)
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
can we rouse him from living death?
Charlie?
Come on, Charlie.
Charlie.
Come on, Charlie.
Come on.
Charlie.
Charlie.
Come on, Charlie boy.
- Don't cut me, Doc! I need me leg!
- (ALL GASP)
- Wonderful!
- Marvelous.
- Thank God.
- The Yankee Dodge!
Well done!
(ALL APPLAUDING)
- MAN: Have you enjoyed the show?
- WOMAN: No, I was very into it.
That was It was wonderful, Dodge.
Thank you.
Yes. I rather thought
he was more competent
than you were suggesting, darling.
Oh, gosh.
My rubies. I've been robbed.
They've been stolen. My
rubies have been stolen.
- I've been robbed!
- Search everyone! No one leaves.
Hands.
- (PEOPLE CLAMOURING)
- (GASPS)
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Yes, it's just the ether fumes.
Take me upstairs?
(GROANS)
DODGER: I've got you. All right.
I'm sure you won't mind if I search you?
(BELLE GASPS)
Captain Gaines, move aside.
I'm not well. Move aside.
(BELLE PANTING)
Are you well?
Who's your doctor?
Prof.
- Has he ever examined you?
- He's too scared to get it wrong.
Take off your dress.
I need to listen to your
back. Take off your dress.
Here.
(PANTS)
There.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Now, just breathe steady.
Just breathe with me.
In.
- And out. Good.
- (EXHALES)
Again. In. Out.
Okay. Gonna come around the front.
Once again. In.
(SOFTLY) Good, and out.
In.
Out.
You're a common thief.
Shall I call Captain
Gaines now or later?
No. No, no. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Darius cheated me at cards.
He's gonna take my hand if I
don't pay him a ludicrous debt.
Then pay him with your own money!
With what money? I get paid
in pennies and thimbles.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
You've got two options.
I yell "guards" and you get hanged.
Not ideal.
Or you make me the first female
surgeon and I keep your secret.
That or the noose.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Well?
I'm thinking.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CLAMOURING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
CROWD: (CHANTING) Cut! Cut!
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
- CROWD: Cut! Cut!
- MAN 1: Cut him!
Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
Sign here.
Do you even earn that in a year?
No, you cheated!
He's a miserable shitting cheat.
Wait, wait!
I'm good for it. I
can get you the money.
Show-off.
Jealous?
(CROWD CLAMOURING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Gentlemen.
The Royal Hospital somewhat proudly
presents Dr. Rainsford Sneed.
(CROWD CHEERING)
And the much celebrated
Dr. Jack Dawkins.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Now, we have a fine one
for you today, gents.
A leg, shattered. Falling
down a mine shaft, was it?
(CROWD CLAMOURS)
The question, though, is who cuts?
Heads.
CROWD: Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
(CLAMOURING INTENSIFIES)
- Me.
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- I bet you can't do it under 43.
- A pound says 29.
When have you ever had a pound?
As soon as you lose.
Gentlemen!
Dr. Sneed here seems to think
that I can't amputate this leg in
less than his record of 43 seconds.
(CROWD BOOS)
Well, I beg to differ!
(CROWD CHEERS)
Mr. Champflower, this will be
the worst 30 seconds of your life,
but I promise, I will
make it as quick as I can.
Your favourite memory.
Take your mind there now.
(CROWD CLAMOURING)
MAN 1: Here we go.
MAN 2: Get in there!
- MAN 3: Hack him.
- Time me.
- (CROWD CHEERING)
- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHAMPFLOWER GROANS)
Time?
- Twenty-eight seconds, gentlemen.
- (CHEERING)
Twenty-eight seconds!
A lucky cut.
TIM: Come on, gents, let's go.
Into the hat, come on. It'll
all go to Dr. Dawkins, let's go.
- Come on!
- Good man.
FANNY: She's so stubborn!
Never considers all the work I've
done to find her a good match.
Just completely focused
on whatever harebrained
(GASPS) Don't do that!
- What?
- Whatever that is.
You stormed in on me.
What's that ungovernable stench?
Your perfume?
No, it's ether.
The new Lancet reports the
most extraordinary thing.
You can give the patient ether,
and they don't feel a thing.
I mean, you can perform
surgery without pain.
Can't you understand?
This changes everything.
Oh, my God. That's so interesting.
Come. The Honourable Mortimer
Smales is soon to arrive,
and there is so much to do.
Remind me.
The Honourable Mortimer Smales.
He just sailed four months from England.
Do you know how much effort it takes to
get potential suitors out to Australia?
Oh.
No, I'm, I'm far too busy to
meet anybody called Mortimer.
Can you please hurry up and
marry someone, so then I can
Engage in what the wedding service
so delicately calls "sexual union"?
Oh, God, you're so vulgar.
This is the sixth
suitor you've sent away.
What was wrong with the last
one? Sir Jeremy Glasscock?
His teeth.
You know perfectly well
I can't marry 'til you do.
See, that just makes no sense.
You should marry whoever
you like, whenever you like.
Go and marry the Honourable Snail.
- Society doesn't work that way.
- Fine.
All right, tell Mildred,
or whatever his name is
that I will marry him, all right?
I just can't meet him
for a little while.
- Really?
- No.
Get out.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
- How's that squawker, Mrs. Wellings?
- Still noisy.
Good, good. Healthy
lungs. You're doing well.
Dr. Jack.
Leg good, Mr. Hootens?
Actually, it's been sore again.
Been up all night.
When I try and bend it, it's agony.
You see, I think
Why don't you come
see me at the hospital?
Yeah
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
- Charlie.
- Jack.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
What'd he do?
(CROWD GASPS)
Escaped convict.
DARIUS: Get out! Get
out of the way. Jack!
Get out of here!
I really don't feel comfortable
doing this, Dr. Jack,
but I've got responsibilities.
(DODGER GROANS)
This isn't London, Jack.
There's nowhere to hide.
I know where you work.
- Twenty-six pounds by next Monday.
- Friday.
Tuesday.
And I'll be merciful. I'll
let you choose which hand.
Was it really necessary to
come outside so early, Fanny?
He's had ever so long a journey,
we must be here to greet him.
- What do you think he'll be wearing?
- Clothes, one hopes.
(GROANS SOFTLY)
Could you at least try and be excited?
Better.
I'm so thrilled I might pop.
Lovely.
(CARRIAGE APPROACHING)
(DOG BARKS)
- (DOG BARKS)
- GOVERNOR: Shush, shush, boy.
Mr. Smales. It is my pleasure
to introduce you to Lady
(CLEARS THROAT)
Lady Belle.
(HORSE NEIGHS)
"Sweet lady with eyes so bright,
"that fill my heart with such delight."
No, thank you.
Say something to him.
Did you know, Mr. Smales, the
human bowel is 15 feet long?
If you stretch it out, it would be
you, plus me, plus a bit of Fanny.
(HORSE NEIGHS)
GUARD: New convicts, over here.
GAINES: Barely any labour left
in them after these seas voyages.
Just sea sores and scurvy.
Chain gang.
Also, chain gang.
(THUDS)
Chain gang for this one, too.
Enough.
Cheer up, Dawkins. You look
like you swallowed a lemon.
- Name?
- Milly Wince.
And your crime?
I stole clothes for me baby,
but he died on the way over.
What was his name?
Benjy.
She can help the schoolma'am.
(WHISPERS) But I can't read.
It's all right, they'll teach you.
All right, next.
GAINES: Chain gang!
(MAN BREATHING HEAVILY)
Hello, Dodge.
Been a time?
(HORSE NEIGHS)
Dog got your tongue?
You're dead.
They hanged you 15 years ago in Newgate.
Surprise, surprise. (CHUCKLES)
What are you?
Why are they all salutin'
you like you're royalty?
I was a navy surgeon, an officer.
Oh.
You've done well for yourself,
boy. I'm proud of you.
What are you doing here, Fagin?
Well, Her Majesty and I thought
that I could benefit from a
bit of quiet time in the colony.
Now, listen to me.
I can decide your fate
with a stroke of my pen,
so if one word gets
out about our past
No, I would never do that. Never. Never.
To even think it hurts.
No. I'm here for you, just
as I hope you're here for me.
Because sometimes, a covey gets
pushed into a corner like a rat,
and the only way out is to bite.
So, don't make me bite you, Dodge.
What do you want?
Well, a little bird flapped
in and whispered to me
that you'd escaped
from prison in London.
Do they hang escaped convicts here?
I'll take that as a yes.
Don't fret, I'd never give you up,
just keep me off that chain gang.
GAINES: Dawkins.
Everything all right?
Yes. I thought he might
have something contagious,
but it's just his stench.
Where's he going?
I need another on the chain gang.
Doesn't matter if he
doesn't last that long.
No, I was thinking of making
him my convict servant.
Really? That's unconventional.
- I see untapped potential.
- GAINES: Very untapped, I'd say.
Yes, I have a nose
for this kind of thing.
Yes, well, you'll want to plug it.
The man smells like
a Yorkshire pig house.
- I like him.
- Come on.
What is this?
It's hurting me lungs. I
can't put me finger on it.
It's fresh air. Pick up my bag.
What?
Pick up my bag.
Why?
Because you are my servant now.
If you do not do what I
say, I will have you flogged.
Dodge.
Dodge, has it come to this?
You'll need to look
less syphilitic scarecrow
if you wanna be my servant.
Very nice. Why are you so scratchy?
Why am I so scratchy?
Because you left me in a cell,
as a boy, alone in the cold.
You abandoned me.
The minute Oliver got me pinched,
you walked away, and never came back.
I did try to help you as
soon as the coast was clear.
They said you'd escaped in a
snowstorm, no shoes, middle of winter.
No one survives that.
I thought you was dead.
And you went on your merry way.
Look. Don't you think I grieved?
Don't you think I suffered?
I fell apart when you left.
It was agony, Dodge. I couldn't
sleep, I cried every night,
I woke up with me mouth all dry
because there was no more tears.
I wanted them to hang
me just to get it over.
Because the worst I done,
worse than all me bad deeds,
is I left me beautiful boy.
And I could never forgive meself.
I prayed. I did. I asked
God to snap me neck.
And I did not protest on
the way to the gallows,
I yearned for them because
I deserved the rope.
And then that shitting
do-gooder Oliver Twist saved me
at the last second with a reprieve.
Well, all is forgiven then.
Look, look, I know you don't believe me,
but ever since I rescued you
from outside that pub as a baby
You told me you rescued me from inside.
Inside, outside, it's all one.
But ever since then, I have
loved you in me own odd way.
With me own odd heart.
Awful lot of wealthy people
in this town, isn't there?
DODGER: I will give
you a roof and a job.
Only because I am a doctor,
and you look like you've
been spat out a bilge hole.
Well, in a manner of speaking, I have.
Once you're healthy, you're out.
Jiminy, look at this!
Do not touch anything.
You shall sleep here, understood?
(FAGIN EXHALES)
That's the floor.
DODGER: Yes. Well done.
You can wear these. I'm
sure Mr. Grundy won't mind.
Why not?
'Cause he is dead.
Gangrene last Thursday.
(GASPS SOFTLY) Bit whiffy.
But, yeah, nice, nice.
How did you get here?
A good man gave me a future.
Well, yes, I always tried for you.
Not you. Captain Grimm.
The man I pinched the watch from.
He was a Navy officer, and
he liked my quick fingers.
He saw the mess you'd left me
in and decided to help me escape.
There you go. There you go.
Your good fortune's all down to me.
And how'd you work that out?
Pickpocketing.
How'd' you think you got
those quick fingers, Doctor?
And if I hadn't have let you get nicked,
you'd never be a surgeon, would ya?
Well, thank you very much, Fagin.
There's no need. It's
what a father does.
(CHUCKLES) Look at these.
Ah!
Now, I can see you clearly.
Let's have a little look.
Oh, dear.
Oh, no. (CHUCKLES)
What's up your cranny?
You're not the happy Dodge I knew.
I have a 26 pound debt on my head.
And if I don't pay it, I
get my hand chopped off.
Which one?
My choice.
Well, that's something.
Then I come at a fortuitous time. There.
If by that, you mean pilfering,
I'm afraid those days are
long gone. I am an officer.
- Former.
- A gentleman.
- Sort of.
- And a surgeon.
Not without both your hands.
HETTY: Doctor, we need
you in the surgery now.
The professor's drunk and he
wants to operate on Mr. Hootens.
You do not leave this room.
HETTY: He's been at
the gin since morning.
(MAN GROANS)
I told you it was sore, doc.
Don't worry, I'm gonna
save you, all right?
Gentlemen,
today, we perform Hunter's
procedure for a popliteal aneurysm.
We open up the thigh, ligate the
artery, and if it bursts, he dies.
But he's not going to die today.
Scalpel. Thank you.
Hold still.
ALISTAIR: (SLURRING)
What? No, I'm taking over.
- This needs a steady hand.
- We have it, Professor.
I very much doubt that.
Scalpel.
DODGER: Not that one, sir.
- Higher, sir!
- (SCREAMS)
ALISTAIR: You distracted
me during a vital procedure!
You had the wrong artery!
Sneed, give me a hand.
Tourniquet! Tourniquet, now!
Sneed, quickly!
Quickly!
- Three, two, one, exsanguinate.
- Come on. Come on. Wake up.
- No!
- (CROWD GROANS)
You shouldn't have interfered, Dawkins.
That'll go on your loss tally now.
ALISTAIR: He's just not up to the task.
Sad, but true.
The idea of having a
man of his low standing,
- was always gonna be fraught.
- Well, worth a go.
Surely, there must be
somebody more competent.
GOVERNOR: Not in Port Victory.
Next option's four months off in London.
What happened to the last
fellow you recommended, Prof?
Dr. Hopmoor.
Killed the patient, an observer,
and himself in one surgery.
And from memory, he's the only surgeon
in history with a 300% mortality rate.
Hmm.
So, he's not an option, then. Pity.
ALISTAIR: We'll find someone.
But Dawkins just isn't up to scratch.
LADY JANE: That's a
shame and surprising.
He had the most
extraordinary recommendation
from the First Lord of the Admiralty
Yes, wartime's different. It's
LADY JANE: What was it he said?
"The most brilliant young
surgeon in the Royal Navy."
Yes. Yes, something along those lines.
Hmm.
You doubt his surgical skill, Rainsford?
Well Not that.
- He's insolent.
- Yes.
He's a liberal and a radical.
He takes too many risks, and
he doesn't follow the rules.
LADY JANE: Well, if you think so, Prof.
You'll have to write to the First
Lord of the Admiralty, darling,
and explain how terribly wrong he was.
Hmm.
Well, I think we might continue this
little experiment for a while longer.
But if he puts another
foot wrong, out on his ear.
Worth a read.
Nicely played.
I rather thought so.
Now, I want you to spend some
time with Mr. Smales, darling.
Don't just dismiss him out
of hand like all the others.
- Captain Gaines.
- I need the Governor to sign these.
- And what are they?
- Government business.
What kind?
Well
death warrants.
Ridding the colony of some
of its more noxious elements.
Yes, this one stole a chicken.
I can see why she poses
such a threat to good order.
I'll see my husband gets them.
You bastard.
Where's my
How did you?
(YOUNG DODGER GROANS AND COUGHS)
You cocky little shit.
You think your mate
Fagin's gonna get you out?
You're here for 15 years.
FAGIN: Is he? Shift over, shift over.
Fagin. I knew you wouldn't leave me.
I'd never do that, Dodge.
Now, the thing is, my dear, right now,
I'm being blamed for a murder
that I definitely didn't do.
We're gonna keep our
heads down for the moment.
I can't get you out immediately.
I've gotta look after number one.
YOUNG DODGER: No.
Fagin, you can't leave me here.
Please. Please don't leave me here.
FAGIN: Who's really in prison, eh?
I mean, you've got a
roof over your head.
You have a meal once in a while.
Whereas me and the boys are
still chained to the vicissitudes
of having to make a living.
And you'll be a king
when you get out of here.
Lagged for 15 years at
13. I'm proud of you, boy.
You've established a
glorious reputation.
The gang won't be the same without ya.
See you, Dodge.
BOY: Bye, Dodger.
No. Fagin, please
don't leave me in here.
Dodge,
if it helps, I do feel bad about this.
SMALES: Would you like
to play the harp for me?
- No.
- Oh.
I was rather hoping you'd say, "Yes."
Uh, did I tell you I had
a book of poetry published?
Several times.
Well, self-published.
That's how Wordsworth started out.
No, it's not.
Shall I read you some?
It's called, Upon The Dew-Lit
Morn, My Soul Took Flight, and Flew
"Upon the dew-lit morn "
- Where are you going?
- He's an insufferable bore.
Yes, but a rich one and from good stock.
Turn around.
At least show him the
town before you refuse him.
GOVERNOR: Marriage, Bonny.
Something you dogs don't
have to be tormented by.
(CLEARS THROAT)
And more's the pity for them.
BELLE: We have nothing in common.
- Talk to him about hospitals.
- Why?
Because his family founded one.
Didn't they, Mr. Smales?
SMALES: Well, uh, hospitals.
Other side of the family, of course.
Birmingham, Manchester, somewhere north.
India, one of them.
Fanny, why didn't you say something?
Come, we're going to see the hospital.
I've never been, and
I've always wanted to.
A hospital? No. What about miasma?
She'll catch some dreadful
- I would hate to disappoint Mr. Smales.
- I'm not really
BELLE: Have you ever heard of ether?
SMALES: Ether? No, was
he a friend of Bunty's?
How are you feeling, Mr. Champflower?
Me foot itches like one of Rotty's
dollymops, but it isn't there.
The phantom limb will soon fade.
I need a phantom hand to
bloody scratch it with.
Made this from a nice
little bit of damun.
You mob call it "fig wood," eh?
Put a soft cushion in
there for your stump, too.
- CHAMPFLOWER: Thanks, Tim.
- TIM: No worries!
DODGER: You'll be walking in no time.
- Are you breaking out?
- FAGIN: Yep.
Gotta sniff the place
out, get a feel for it.
- You know we're on the second floor?
- Yes, I realise that now.
That's why I'm tryna get back in.
Well, go on, then.
I think me back's seized up.
And me hip. Maybe me knee.
Yes, all right.
You try bein' in irons for four months,
and let's see how limber you are.
All right, come on.
- Two. Come here.
- (FAGIN GROANS)
(GRUNTS) Jehovah!
(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
Who do I say I am?
Nobody.
You don't say anything.
Pretend you're mute,
and then stay like that.
You can be my mute servant.
- Put that back.
- Why? I like it.
Because this is not
the East End of London.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mrs. Gaines, Dr. Dawkins.
Und Herr Dr. Guntstaffer from
Prussia brings you greetings, yes.
Two doctors?
The Lord provides.
Ah! What a lovely house you have.
So full of the precious objects, yes.
My only precious things
here are the words of Jesus.
Don't you agree, Doctor?
Yeah, Dr. Guntstaffer here,
was the greatest
physician of his generation
until he was tragically kicked
repeatedly in the head by an angry mule
and subsequently had half
his brain surgically removed.
Thus, I take great pity on
him as my former teacher.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Have you tried beating him?
Because I hear a beating can be
quite nourishing for the imbecile.
That is a very good
thought, Mrs. Gaines.
- Now, tell me, how can I help?
- Well
It's my thigh.
Again?
Yes, the pain seems
to be creeping upwards.
Right.
Yes, I thought it might.
(EXHALES SEDUCTIVELY)
This is perfect.
You distract the women,
I'll flog their jewels.
Fagin, can we just not talk for a bit?
Lotta scratch in there, Dodge.
That woman in there is
Captain Gaines' wife.
What, the cold fish from the hospital?
Yes, that's the one. His
hobby is hanging people.
Twice. Just to make sure.
Well, at least he's got interests.
No more voices, all right?
This isn't London, there's
nowhere to hide here.
How long do you reckon it'd
take before we got rumbled?
- Not long, I should think.
- Then why're you doin' it?
Because who's going to have
to explain their way out of it?
The convict servant or
the escaped convict master?
No more voices.
(FRENCH ACCENT) Bonjour, madame.
I am Docteur Le Goff from Paris.
Doctor.
It's been happening since Monday,
this constant tickle in my throat.
- We could own this town.
- Shut up.
And then I coughed up the
most disgusting sputum.
I can't go to the
ball tonight like this.
What would the Governor think?
- (COUGHS)
- Not much of anything, I suppose.
Tell me, Docteur. What
do you think of this?
You see, when it comes to sputum,
the French medics, they like
to smell, and then taste it.
He doesn't speak much
English, I'm afraid.
Forgive me, Doctor. So rude.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
He's from Provence.
Ah.
Madam, you are as they say,
very healthy for the ball.
The sputum, c'est magnifique.
Lovely rubies, very shiny.
Stop it, Fagin.
What? Just an observation.
- Do you like dancing?
- No.
- Croquet?
- Snore.
- Fox hunting?
- Very much, no.
Oh. Why?
It's mindless, barbaric, and cruel.
What about you? Chemistry?
Geology?
- Oh, yes. With the maps.
- No, the rocks, but close.
(CARRIAGE RIDER URGES HORSE)
Anatomy?
- Poetry?
- Yes! Yes!
Anyone other than
yourself and Wordsworth?
- Such as?
- CARRIAGE RIDER: Move aside!
So, really, just
Wordsworth and fox hunting?
That's about the size of it.
(CHARLIE GROANS)
Oh, my God.
Here, Dodger. Are you going
to this Governor's ball?
Oh, yes, I've got my invitation on
me. In fact, it's for both of us.
- Really?
- No.
I'm not gonna get invited
to the Governor's ball,
let alone someone who looks like
they walked out of a nightmare.
Doc, lad's gone under a carriage.
BELLE: Help! We need a doctor!
Okay. Um, you're okay.
You'll be all right. You're doing great.
- Help!
- Coming through, coming through! Here.
BELLE: Thank God.
- I've put a tourniquet on.
- It's not tight enough.
I need something to tighten it with.
- Um
- (CHARLIE WHIMPERS)
DODGER: It's all right. I'm
gonna sort you right out.
BELLE: Can you fix it?
I'll need to amputate. Excuse me,
sir, can I borrow that? Thank you.
What about Bircher's
procedure to save it?
- DODGER: Miss, please.
- M'lady.
To do that, I would need
to drill into his leg bones,
and insert pegs to knit
them back together again.
He would die of shock and pain.
- Not if you take the pain with ether.
- The Yankee Dodge?
- Yes.
- That is unproven.
Except for Morton in
Boston and Liston in London.
- Do you even read The Lancet?
- Not while I have strength, no.
Anyway, that chump of a
Governor has banned ether,
so Prof wouldn't let
it near the hospital.
- That's just idiotic. Look, I've got
- Look, m'lady,
one of us is a qualified surgeon
and the other one is
carrying a bloody parasol.
So, thank you, but would
you mind awfully sodding off.
(CHARLIE GROANS)
Fagin, need a carriage.
What, like this one?
(CHARLIE WHIMPERS)
Would you like a lift?
Uh, excuse me?
Hey, it's not too bad, Charlie boy.
I've seen much worse at sea. Plus,
you're gonna have a terrific scar.
- A stump.
- CHARLIE: What?
Instead of using ether,
you're going to butcher the boy
- and condemn him to beggary?
- No!
Thank you. Wonderful
bedside manner you've got.
- You've got a knack for it.
- Someone's got to stick up for him.
- If only you'd listen.
- You're not gonna take it?
I promise, I am going to save your life.
You listen to me, you upstart.
I'd give anything to trial that surgery.
Anything. Surgery without pain
would revolutionise medicine.
- But I won't.
- Please, I need me leg.
Because the biggest risk to any surgeon
is the addiction to feeling like God.
You are gambling against death
with only your wit for ante,
and that is bloody exhilarating.
But the risk is not yours.
There is a person beneath your hands.
And the moment the cutter forgets
that, and gives into his ego,
then the patient is lost.
A surgeon is lost.
Might I suggest you find your spine?
It's usually around the back.
The hospital is that way.
- We're not going to the hospital.
- What?
Why? He doesn't have much time.
What are we doing here,
you ridiculous woman?
This is the Governor's residence.
Oh, God. You're the Governor's daughter.
Yes. I am the "chump"
Governor's daughter.
I'm Lady "Chump" Belle.
And you must be the Dr. Jack
Dawkins everyone speaks so fondly of.
Oh, fantastic. This is
workin' out superbly.
I can't perform an operation
here. I need surgical equipment.
- Yeah, I've got it.
- Why?
Just wait. I'll get supplies.
Have we just been kidnapped by a lady?
I could get used to this.
GOVERNOR: We'll be
starting the tour soon.
Starting the tour soon, do gather up
Ladies and gentlemen, if
you'd like to join us, please.
In just a few minutes, we'll
start our tour of the paintings.
Oh, sherbet. Spilt my fizz.
Do join us.
(EXHALES)
- (CHARLIE GROANS)
- DODGER: It's not long now, Charlie.
It's good, this.
Good? What part of this is good?
I got a dying child in there,
and I've got no surgical
equipment to save him.
Yesterday, I was in chains, and
today, I'm at the Governor's ball.
There's a lot more to come,
now that we're back together.
We are not back together.
Come on, it's perfect. Cucumber
sandwich or ten, bit of surgery?
Snatch the rubies, happy days.
You remember how they glistened, Dodge?
Like sun through summer wine.
Makes you almost wanna taste 'em.
I'm not a crook anymore.
Do you know the last time I
stole something was 15 years ago?
The same day you left me in prison.
Well, what a horrifying
waste of potential.
You were the best I ever trained.
- I'm so sorry to disappoint you.
- Well, you do!
You do. You're not
being true to yourself.
This is who I am!
Look.
What do you plan to do
for work without your hand?
You've gotta think bold and
big. It's the only way out.
One last time.
Just to pay off this debt,
and then I'm clean for good.
Of course, you are, my dear.
Come on. Take him down to the basement.
All right.
Come on, Charlie boy. Time to go.
Fagin, come on. Grab his leg. Carefully.
Careful, Fagin.
There's no time. We're gonna
have to do it here. Set him down.
- What?
- It's not ideal
Fagin, clear that table.
It's all right, Charlie.
Okay, all right.
It's all right.
GOVERNOR: Moving to the
ballroom, up on the left,
the double tapestry
by the Dutch artist
You can save the leg with
ether. You know you can.
titled Across the Pond. It's
quite an extraordinary piece
BELLE: Ladies and gentlemen!
The entertainment.
For our main event, I have
a very special treat for you.
Dr. Dawkins will perform an
operation, never been done before.
Where an inferior cowardly surgeon
might just simply remove the leg,
Dr. Dawkins will make a
thousand years of history
by trialling surgery with no pain.
The Yankee Dodge!
(GUESTS APPLAUD TEPIDLY)
Dodge.
I might just go and
watch you from up there.
Yeah, go, Fagin. Do it. Get them.
Uh, Belle, something for the bone peg?
(CHARLIE GROANS)
You're okay.
Good.
Now, if I get hanged for this,
I'll haunt your every waking moment.
I'll be that face you see in
your nightmares and trust me,
you will only have nightmares.
Do shut up and ether the patient.
- DODGER: You're all right.
- BELLE: Watch closely, everyone.
As Dr. Dawkins anaesthetises the boy,
- takes his pain
- You're fine.
and then operates with no sensation.
DODGER: Now, just breathe.
There, we go. That's it. Good lad.
Right.
- (MAN GROANS)
- (WOMAN EXCLAIMS)
(DODGER BREATHING HEAVILY)
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
can we rouse him from living death?
Charlie?
Come on, Charlie.
Charlie.
Come on, Charlie.
Come on.
Charlie.
Charlie.
Come on, Charlie boy.
- Don't cut me, Doc! I need me leg!
- (ALL GASP)
- Wonderful!
- Marvelous.
- Thank God.
- The Yankee Dodge!
Well done!
(ALL APPLAUDING)
- MAN: Have you enjoyed the show?
- WOMAN: No, I was very into it.
That was It was wonderful, Dodge.
Thank you.
Yes. I rather thought
he was more competent
than you were suggesting, darling.
Oh, gosh.
My rubies. I've been robbed.
They've been stolen. My
rubies have been stolen.
- I've been robbed!
- Search everyone! No one leaves.
Hands.
- (PEOPLE CLAMOURING)
- (GASPS)
- You all right?
- Yeah.
Yes, it's just the ether fumes.
Take me upstairs?
(GROANS)
DODGER: I've got you. All right.
I'm sure you won't mind if I search you?
(BELLE GASPS)
Captain Gaines, move aside.
I'm not well. Move aside.
(BELLE PANTING)
Are you well?
Who's your doctor?
Prof.
- Has he ever examined you?
- He's too scared to get it wrong.
Take off your dress.
I need to listen to your
back. Take off your dress.
Here.
(PANTS)
There.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Now, just breathe steady.
Just breathe with me.
In.
- And out. Good.
- (EXHALES)
Again. In. Out.
Okay. Gonna come around the front.
Once again. In.
(SOFTLY) Good, and out.
In.
Out.
You're a common thief.
Shall I call Captain
Gaines now or later?
No. No, no. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Darius cheated me at cards.
He's gonna take my hand if I
don't pay him a ludicrous debt.
Then pay him with your own money!
With what money? I get paid
in pennies and thimbles.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
You've got two options.
I yell "guards" and you get hanged.
Not ideal.
Or you make me the first female
surgeon and I keep your secret.
That or the noose.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Well?
I'm thinking.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)