The Baby (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Ah! Miss! Listen to me! You don't have to do this! What's your name, love? Put the bag down for me.
Open the bag for me, Miss.
- Okay we've got eyes on the baby.
- Eyes on that baby.
Okay, put your hands where I can see them.
And walk slowly towards me.
Oh, Christ.
Oh, Christ! Eat shit, my friends.
Ugh, you're pitiless.
Don't hate the player hate the game.
- Yeah, but you always win.
- 'Cause I'm the best.
Every time.
- Hm? - Nah.
- Mm-mm? - Nah, nah.
I shouldn't.
Mmm.
All right, gimme a puff.
Gimme these, gimme that, and gimme these.
Hittin' the spot, right? Sorry.
All right, I'll be back in a sec.
Thought she was leaving her with Jamie tonight.
- Hey, Mommy's coming.
- He had to work late.
Come on, it's fine.
No, no, no, no, Rita Skeeter.
Poker nights are sacred.
You agree with me.
I know you do.
I know what that little smile means.
Sorry, she won't go down.
- Left her bloody BunBun at home.
- It's all right.
- She can join in.
- What's a BunBun? Oh, it's this Norwegian sleeping aid.
It's amazing.
Honestly, it would get her to sleep on a fuckin' airfield.
Hello! Oh, Tash, sorry.
Could you Oh.
Mm Sorry.
You all right, pal? Oh yeah.
- Tash, I don't wanna wind her up, yeah? - Got it, sorry.
This was so damn tasty.
Mm, it's pepperpot.
It's my daddy's special recipe.
Still some left, though, which means I didn't make it right.
I miss Daddy Lyle.
How's he doin'? You know what? He's all right, actually.
- Yeah, he's - Aww.
Hey, Tash, tell Mags about that weirdo who came in on Monday.
- Oh yeah.
Mags, you'll love this.
- Hm? So, I'm in the restaurant, about to close the kitchen, this guy comes in with these two well-old women Silly.
Sorry, carry on.
Yeah, so these ladies are old, all right? And this guy is hot in, like, a second cousin kind of way.
Mm-mm, she hasn't pooed.
Sorry.
That was disgusting, wasn't it? I think I've forgotten how normal people behave.
It's just a lot, you know? All the time Forever.
But it is how it is.
Is it better? What? Like, is it better than before you had the kid? - Tash.
- Nah, it's okay.
It's a fair question.
Um Don't know.
It's hard to explain.
Love you, Mags ya dick.
Mm! No.
Are you gonna tell her? Tell me what? Tash, I've got some news.
I'm pregnant.
Fuck, dude.
That's amazin'.
Congrats! Congratulations.
Wow.
Are you happy? - Yeah, yeah.
- Oh yeah, that's awesome.
Cheers to that.
Mm? Ay! Mm, you know what? Let's celebrate by lettin' Rita win the next hand.
- Yes! - What you got, bellends? Oh, leave it.
- What? - Leave it, she's fine.
Let's just play the game.
What is up with you? All three of us have put aside tonight, yeah, - in our very busy lives - Yeah.
In order to spend time together.
That means we listen to each other's stories even if they're not as interesting as whether or not your child shat herself.
I'm sorry.
Am I bein' rude? Should we go back to pretending we're hangin' out? You know what? Fuck this.
Do you want a lift? Uh I'll be there in a minute.
Are you gonna turn into a massive asshole when you have a baby? - No promises.
- Mm.
How pregnant are you? Three months.
So, it's not too late.
I'm joking.
- It's a joke! - No.
It's a joke! Christ! I love you, and I'm sorry you're finding this hard.
Yeah, I'm thinking I need to go away for a couple of days, and, you know - figure out why I'm so unhappy.
- Right.
So, you're not comin' in for your shift today? Right.
Kitchen'll be all right without me, yeah? I think we'll survive.
Well, if you keep oversalting those sardines, you won't.
Fuck off.
- Stevo! - Yes, sir! Is that Chef? No, no, no, no! Don't, don't tell Stevo I'm here.
All right, Chef? You all right, Stevo? How's the stock lookin'? Aww, shite.
Yeah? D'ya roast off the bones? Give it some good color? - Yeah.
- Got some nice aromatics in there? Yeah.
Well, then you're golden.
You've got this, kid.
You ready for a party tomorrow, Chef? Lock-in at the restaurant.
21 is gonna be epic, boooys! I'm not tellin' him.
I'm not gonna make it, Stevo.
What? I've gotta go away and get my head straight.
Well, can't you get fucked up with us and then get your head straight? We'll get messy soon, all right? Promise.
- Oi.
- Oi, oi.
D'ya know Rita's pregnant? It was only a matter of time, wasn't it? Once Mags had hers.
Oi Good luck with your head.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Heat, for the girls ♪ Weh sweet and unique ♪ Heat, for the gyal ♪ Dem wit di sexy physique ♪ Heat, because she like how me do it ♪ - All right, Dad? - Hello, pet.
I'm not gonna do your big shop tomorrow 'cause I'm out of town for the weekend.
No drama.
You got those pills in the freezer, yeah? I have.
You gonna watch the cricket? - No, I'm not gonna watch the cricket.
- All right, all right.
- Text me the score, yeah? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, if you need anything, call me.
Don't worry about me.
You just have a nice time.
- Love ya.
- Love you, too.
What a cruddy shithole.
Ahh! Fuck! - Where's the bed? - Sofa-bed.
Is this your house? My friend's.
No smoking.
Enjoy your stay.
Archeologists now believe that Machu Picchu was a royal estate for Incan nobles.
Others argue that it was a religious site, nestled deep in the mountains and surrounded by other Dick dick.
Dick, dick.
Dick.
Why you wanna be like all these dicks, dude? conquest of the mighty pre-Columbian civilization of the 16th century.
Oh, Rita.
No, no, no.
No one wants to see that.
to be inspired creatively and spiritually by the Fuck you, man.
the world's most spectacular human-made wonders.
Eh, uh! Didn't see you there.
Mm-mm? Do you ever feel like you're at a party where you don't speak the language? Fuck! Can I have a glass of water, please? Got the shakes, ha.
Thanks.
Ooh.
Cheers.
It's the adrenaline.
Sorry.
- Uck.
- It's all that adrenaline.
So, what happens now? You don't know, do you? Okay.
Well, I want to go home.
Yeah? Good luck.
Fucking hell! Ah! No way am I stayin' put with three dead bodies and a creepy baby.
Well, of course the fucking baby's with me! Fuck! I'm not a monster! Well, I don't know why it's creepy.
It's just got a creepy vibe.
Well, tell me where the nearest station is.
I'll be there in an hour.
Oh sh Hm.
I'm going to take a piss, yeah? I'll be back in a minute.
Could I use your toilet, please? Yes, pet, through there.
Can I leave this with you? Yeah, of course, pet, yeah.
Hello! Pleasure to meet you.
Oh, hard work, isn't it? This your first? - Uh - Yeah.
Not even the best bit, you know? - No? - No.
You wait till their little personality starts to come through.
Aw, it's like falling in love.
You go and have five minutes for yourself.
Go on.
We'll be just fine, won't we? Yes.
Yeah.
Ooh.
Ooh-woo-woo-woo-woo.
Ooh-woo.
Yes.
Ah! Yes.
Yes, I know.
Yes.
Fuck off.
Mais outra vez apresentar meu baianá ♪ Boa noite, povo, que eu cheguei ♪ Mais outra vez apresentar meu baianá ♪ Eu vou cantar com muita alegria ♪ Vou apresentar ♪ Hello? They're here.
Oh, no.
I'm just droppin' it off.
Ta-ra! Officer Wren, take the baby to the medical room and get Social Services here ASAP.
Sarge, we got an ID on yellow duffel jacket.
Oh yeah? Lydia McNaish-Wilcox.
Lydia McNaish-Wilcox.
That's quite a mouthful.
See if you can track down her relatives, and let me know when the garage CCTV comes in.
Is this coffee? Yes.
Got any sugar? I'd like to go over your statement.
Third time's the charm.
Just wanna make sure I've got it down right: "The woman fell from the cliff "followed by the baby about 10 seconds later, which I caught like this.
" Is that correct? "I had never seen a baby before in my life.
" - "After hearing" - "The.
" - Excuse me? - Never seen "the" baby before.
I've seen "a" baby before.
"After hearing the crash, "I went outside and found the two officers "dead in the car.
A boulder had fallen on them.
" A short while later, you saw a man killed by a falling shelf.
Two police officers are dead, Natasha.
And you think I crushed 'em to death with a boulder? I think there's something you're not telling me.
I think you've had a terrible time tonight.
Four dead bodies That's a lot.
What do you think's going on? We'd like to keep you in overnight.
Are you jokin'? Right now, we're just followin' the evidence.
What power are you tryin' to arrest me under? We're detaining you - under Section 136 for your safety - You think I'm mad? and that of others.
I was just tryin' to do the right thi - The baby won't stop crying.
- Not my problem.
Sorry, pal, no can do.
Fuck off.
Well, this is incredibly weird.
Easy there, tiger.
Ah! Your story checks out.
You can go.
One second.
Aren't you forgetting something? - Not mine.
- What am I supposed to do with it? I can think of something.
He called me, "Baby, baby" ♪ All night long ♪ Used to hold and kiss me ♪ 'Til the dawn ♪ Then one day I awoke ♪ And he was gone ♪ There's no more ba ♪