The Barbarian and the Troll (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1
- Aha!
-
- Aha.
- You better start talking.
- You missed me!
I'm gonna dodge every blow.
Tell me.Huh?
- Tell me where that demon is,
or I'll slice you in half.
- Demons?
I don't know any demons.
- I know you helped him.
Your foul slime was all over
the doorknob to his cave.
- I ain't no snitch.
Eh, who puts a door
on a cave, anyway?
- Tell me where that demon is,
or I'll get to see
what you had for breakfast.
- I had a sunrise scramble
on toast points.
- Brendar.
Unhand that serpent at once.
- Really? Now?
I was just at my big finish.
- I didn't appear
in a magical vision
to argue with you.
-
But Queen Shimmerian,
I spent, like, three days
tracking this serpent
to his lair.
-
- That was three days
you should have spent
maintaining the Royal Order.
- Ugh.
- You keep going on these
pointless quests.
- They aren't pointless.
- Yeah, except they are.
-
- Ow, ow. Ow, ow, ah!
- What's the
princess-warrior's
most important job
in her life?
- To smile while
cutting ribbons
at solstice festivals.
- Exactly.
- Oh, wow, that's essential.
- If all we're meant
to be is ribbon cutters,
why do you train us
to be warriors?
- To make you strong
so you can be self-sufficient
yet completely dependent
at the same time.
- But Queen, the demon Alvin
killed my mother
and took my brother Kendar.
He's the only family
I have left.
- Wow.
That's a lot of exposition.
- We should be your family.
And I've had enough
of your shenanigans.
- How did you find out
about my shenanigans?
- I see all!
And someone ratted you out.
- It was I.
-
- Hey, gossip girls.
Wanna know what it really
feels like to be stabbed
in the back?
- Ow! Ow-ow!
- Oh, you're fine.
- You've had so many
"secret quests"
that the people of Gothmoria
have given you a slogan.
- Ooh, what it is?
Over five billion severed?
- You are known to be feared
and revered
throughout the land.
- Oh, it rhymes.
- You're a loose cannon,
Brendar.
Therefore,
I'm taking your sword
-
- Sparkly tunic
-
- And your sensible
soled footwear.
- No!
- Yes.
I'm demoting you
back down to
- Moat duty?
- Worse.
Barbarian.
- But then how will I be able
to rescue my brother?
- May Brendar be an example
disobey your queen,
you'll be shunned
and cut from the family.
Like a ribbon.
Hey.
She forgot to take my sword.
- Yoink.
-
She kicked me out of the Order.
She took my boots and my sword.
I loved that sword.
So how do you think
you're gonna
slice me in half now,
barbarian?
- I'll show you.
- Wha?
What's happening?
That's not good.
- Uh, okay, hold on,
wait, wait, wait--
-
- Ow! Oof! Uh! Yow!
- I'll ask you again.
- Ow!
- Where is the demon Alvin?
- All right, fine.
Last I saw, he was headed
to the jungles of Ganthor.
But you'll never defeat him;
he's too strong.
- I'm pretty strong too.
- Huh?
-
- No, no, no, no, no, no!
Yee-ouch!
♪
Eh, I'm okay.
- Brendar the Barbarian, huh?
That has a nice ring to it.
- Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪
The Barbarian
and the Troll ♪
- "On another personal quest
"to amend her complicated
and mysterious backstory,
"Brendar the Barbarian
defeated a large serpent
with her bare hands?"
- Hey, can you
check the sports page?
I wanna see who won
in the Giants versus the Bears.
- The Giants crushed the Bears.
- Aw, come on!
That's a sack of coin
I'll never see again.
- Don't you cross my bridge
without paying a toll!
Surrender your silver
or surrender your life!
- Show yourself,
mighty tollbooth operator.
- Um, technically,
I'm a troll-booth operator.
Uh, either way, I've gotta
collect a silver piece.
- Aw, come on, mister.
My ol' goat has a bum hip,
so we can't wade through
the stream like we used to.
- Body-shaming your goat's
not gonna help.
I gotta collect a toll.
Troll king's rules, not mine.
- Let me at him! Let me at him!
-
- Get ready to butt heads,
butthead!
- Uh-oh.
-
You made Helen mad,
and you don't wanna deal
with a cranky goat.
- Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
No need for violence.
All right,
I'll make you a deal.
Um. Ooh.
I'll play you a song,
and then
if you leave a donation,
I'll consider the toll paid.
- Well.
- Eh.
- Guess so.
- Ooh.
Here goes.
Bridge life, bridge life ♪
No one will pay me ♪
No one will save me
from damp pants ♪
Or flesh-eating ants ♪
No one's afraid of me ♪
My father's ashamed of me ♪
Bridge life, bridge life ♪
Bridge life ♪
Bridge life ♪
Ee-ba-be-ba-dee-ba-dee
bridge ♪
Wa-dee-der-dee-dee-ber-dee
life ♪
Once upon a time
in a land far away ♪
I don't know what happened ♪
'Cause I'm under a bridge
all day ♪
Bridge life, bridge life ♪
Bridge life ♪
Smidge life ♪
Yeah!
- That was just awful.
-
- Yeah, I feel like
you owe me money now.
-
That was my best song.
- Well, now we know
the problem.
- Your songs are super boring.
- Yeah, you need
to get out there.
- Get you some life experience.
- All right.
That review was both
hurtful and constructive,
but you know what?
Reviews don't count as payment.
Ah.
By the power vested in me
by the Troll King,
Your bridge access is denied.
- Ah!
You know what to do, Helen.
Head down,
aim for the doughy midsection.
- You should get out
and see the world.
Might help your songs.
- Hit up my goat yoga class
and tighten that core.
Honestly, it was like
headbutting a bag of pudding.
This bridge ♪
Has left a stain
upon my soul ♪
How could you ever
understand ♪
The pain of a troll? ♪
Oh, yeah, now I hear it.
That little girl
and her goat were right.
My lyrics are so limited.
I gotta get out
from under this bridge.
I gotta put myself out there.
- I heard you got
your butt kicked.
- Wha?
Ah! Your Majesty.
- A troll
doesn't let anyone cross
without collecting a toll.
No matter what. It's our thing.
- But Dad,
it was two against one!
- A preteen
and a goat named Helen?
- Wha?
Whoa, that was fast.
- This bridge belonged
to your grandfather.
He used to terrify villagers
throughout Gothmoria.
- Here we go.
- Mounted knights
would poop their armor
just to try to avoid
crossing here.
- Yeah, how would that help?
- And now you've turned it
into a lute lounge!
- Yeah. Sorry, Dad.
I guess I was too
overprotective as a father.
Maybe I should've
let your mother eat you
when you were a baby.
- Well, she still tries
to eat me all the time.
- That's a troll mother's
prerogative, son.
- Yeah, but she keeps giving me
flagons of barbecue sauce
marked "body splash"
for my birthdays.
- Yeah.
- So Dad,
can I ask you a question?
- Here we go.
- What if my future
were more about music
and less--mm--bridge-oriented?
- Less bridge-oriented?!
You're a troll prince!
This bridge is your blood!
- It's your blood, not mine!
I need to put myself out there,
maybe go on a journey
or something.
-
Unbelievable.
You really think you're gonna
get somewhere in life
plucking that
little lute of yours?
-
Jesters pluck, Dad.
I strum!
- Ha!
- And if you ever listened,
you'd probably give me
a very positive review,
but you never listen!
- I'm a king!
I don't listen to no one!
Look, you were born
a Royal Keeper
of the Bridges of Gothmoria.
- Oh, for the last time,
I am a music guy!
I am not a bridge guy.
But if you can't see that,
well, then maybe I should go.
- Don't do this, Evan.
Don't throw it all away
for dreams and feelings!
If you leave this bridge now,
young man,
don't expect to come back.
Ever.
-
Yes, Your Majesty!
- You literally
just burned a bridge.
What's this place made of,
anyway?
Matchsticks?
♪
- Still good on that flagon?
- Oh, yes, sir.
- All right, I'll bring
your check in a jiff.
- Sure.
-
What can I get you?
- Gee, I don't know.
I just got kicked out
of the Royal Order,
lost my favorite sword,
had to fight a band of goblins
for a new one,
haven't slept in four nights,
and I don't like
a lot of sauces!
What do you recommend?
- Well, the chicken's
not that spoiled.
-
I'll have that.
- One Attila the Hen, dry!
- Order up!
One chinchilla muffin, fried!
- Ugh.
Hey, Kyle.
You didn't return any
of my carrier pigeons.
- I've been busy.
Cooking the carrier pigeons.
- What?
- They were
yesterday's specials.
- Oh. Uh, okay.
Well, have you given
any more thought
to me performing here?
- Oh, look, kid.
This just isn't the place
for you to be playing
your peppy little songs, okay?
So move along.
- Well, hold on.
Not all my songs are peppy!
I got a bunch that are
really depressing.
-
Look.
Do not do this, okay?
This crowd will eat you alive.
Literally.
So why don't you go back
to your bridge, okay, buddy?
- I'm between bridges
right now.
I--I'm trying
to put myself out there
and find my destiny.
Please, Kyle,
you're the only guy I know
who can help me.
You're just not
gonna back down, are you?
- Sign me up.
- All right, okay.
All right, quiet down.
Quiet--shut up!
Welcome to our first--
and likely last--
open horn night
of music and singing
right here
at the Queen's Goiter.
So go easy on this guy.
He's a good kid.
- Yeah, good with a side
of fried onions!
- I don't know,
he probably tastes terrible.
But apparently he's good
with a lute.
All right, give it up for Evan,
the musical troll of Gothmoria.
- Hey, thanks for coming out
to support the arts, you guys.
I am Evan.
Um, about me, uh, I have been
kicked around by life.
Most recently by a little girl
and her nanny goat
who didn't want to pay a toll
to cross my bridge.
- Boring!
- In fact, no one really
pays the toll lately.
People just ignore me
and walk across.
I almost gave up.
- Oh, like that guy.
But I didn't give up.
Instead, I wrote a song
about fresh starts
and new beginnings.
Goes a little something
like this.
That feeling
when you can't sleep ♪
'Cause your bridge
keeps crumbling ♪
Chunks onto your head ♪
That feeling
when you wanna weep ♪
When you think
of collecting ♪
That same old toll again ♪
I got 99 problems,
but a bridge ain't one ♪
I burned mine down ♪
Someday, I'll see the sun ♪
That feeling
when your journey ♪
Is just begun ♪
I heard a journey starts
when you go somewhere ♪
I need a journey ♪
A journey ♪
I feel it in my warts,
and I'm so prepared ♪
I need a journey ♪
A journey ♪
All you goblins
and you thieves ♪
Are you feeling me now? ♪
No, don't literally feel me.
Wait, please allow me ♪
To rephrase somehow ♪
Oh, that was really awkward.
Gonna keep on
rocking it out ♪
I need a journey ♪
A journey ♪
A journey! ♪
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah! ♪
Mm! Mm! Big finish!
Yeah!
Whoo!
- Who wrote this song?
- Do you guys
want to hear that again?
♪
- I have a message for you.
- Sup?
- I ordered the chicken.
- You're the warrior woman
everyone calls Brendar, right?
Feared and revered
is your slogan?
- Get lost, owl.
You smell like dead mice.
-
They said you'd be intense.
We wanna hire you for a quest.
- I quest alone. Now flap off.
Take Skeletor's smiley band
and Yorick with you.
- Oi. How'd she know my name?
- Not now, Yorry.
Listen, this adventure
includes everything
you're good at.
Smashing, pillaging.
General mayhem.
- I know who sent you.
- Who?
- Are you asking me,
or are you making an owl sound?
- This is an owl sound.
Who. Who.
- Your team has
all the trademarks
of that hacky has-been,
the wizard Horus Scrum.
- Uh.
- Wha?
-
- If I were to quest,
it wouldn't be with a wizard
known for card tricks
and fortune-telling.
- Oh, come on.
We could offer you
a generous salary,
plus a pretty darn good
dental plan.
- Are they on
the same dental plan?
- Yes.
- Hard pass.
- Ah!
We have traversed
the Black Forest of Hate
and the
Gray Swamps of Insecurity
to find you.
We will not be dismissed
so easily.
- When respect is lacking,
my sword starts hacking.
- Ah.
- Hot cauldron.
- Hey. Look out, guys.
She's got a knife.
- If you want
to keep your head bone
connected to your neck bone,
I suggest you apologize
to this jester
for interrupting
his foolish music.
- I have battled
the Quivering Serpent of Pune!
Your threats mean nothing!
- Was that the Elder serpent
or her offspring?
- Uh, well,
it was quivering a lot.
I don't know.
It was very large!
- And wearing a diaper?
- Yes?
- That was the baby.
- Ah!
- Who I left alive
to send a message.
- Enough!
- Droppings just got real.
- Get her!
Go! Go!
♪
- Huh?
- Ha!
- Ah!
- Ah
Huh?
- Ah!
- Huh?
- Stop hitting yourself.
Stop hitting yourself.
Why are you hitting yourself?
Why are you still
hitting yourself?
- Ah!
Huh?
- Hmm.
Ah
- Uh. Uh
- I'm going to crush your head.
- Hey, numbskull.
- Huh?
It's time for you to head out.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Wait, wait!
No!
- Ah.
- Uh. Uh. Bleh.
Wow. You are amazing.
- Yeah, I get that a lot.
- You know, I helped by
smashing that guy
over his head with my lute.
- I didn't need your help.
In fact, you sort of
interrupted my flow.
- Your flow?
- My battle rhythm was thrown
by your sloppy technique.
- Huh.
- Fighting's not for you.
Stick with your songs.
- Oh, yeah, I plan to!
In fact, I have--
- Hold that thought.
I will quest to the castle
of Horus Scrum.
- That is literally
what I came here to accomplish.
- The wizard will regret
sending such weaklings
to retrieve me.
When I defeat him,
the only fortune telling
he will do is to foresee me
tearing up his beard
and using it as my bath mat!
- We really respond
to violence!
- Well, I'm glad
we established that
before anything drastic
went down.
- Oh! Hey, wait, stop!
Look.
I think you're my destiny.
- Ugh.
Even for a troll,
that's a terrible pickup line.
- What? No.
That's not
what I was trying to do.
I need to learn all the things
you seem really good at.
Like living a life of danger.
- You are living dangerously.
Stop following me.
- No!
My music is terrible,
and the only way
to make it better
is to quest with you.
- You think you know me?
You will never know me
or my absurdly complex
backstory.
Go back to your songs
and your bridges
or whatever life of comfort
you led before you met me.
Troll.
- Um.
I can't.
I literally burned my bridge
to the ground.
It--it's too late.
- You burned your bridge
to the ground?
- Mm-hmm.
- That is funny.
- Well, hey, look.
If you let me quest with you,
I will write songs
about your exploits.
Infectious, hummable songs
that will pass
from village to village.
In fact, every tavern
in Gothmoria
will sing the ballad
of Brendar the Barbarian!
- Can you work the term
"feared and revered"
into the songs
of which you speak?
- Yeah,
put your catchphrase in?
Done.
- It's really more of a slogan.
- Uh, still. Not a problem.
- Then join me, frail troll.
- Ah!
- Risk your life along mine
as we quest
towards an uncertain future
filled with danger
- Ha-ha!
- Risk
- Yeah!
- Probable death.
- Ew.
- And perhaps
a few scattered victories.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- But only if you agree
to not blather on
about how exciting
everything is.
- Mm, okay, sure.
Oh, boy. My first quest.
This is so ex--
--tremely
Regular and, uh,
not special for me at all.
- This is already a mistake.
- Wha?
I heard a journey starts ♪
When you go somewhere ♪
I need a journey ♪
And maybe this journey
needs me ♪
And maybe
this intimidating barbarian ♪
With the impossibly
complex backstory ♪
Needs me ♪
And maybe
I'll find the song ♪
That I'm meant to sing! ♪
♪
Brendar?
Where--hey, wait up.
Where'd she go?
- You have not seen
the last of me, barbarian.
I'll get you.
And your peppy goblin too!
Well, this is unfortunate.
Shoo! Shoo!