The Best Laid Plans (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Here's the Deal
1 (Traffic rumbles) National News Anchor: stay with us here at the decision desk as we bring you election results from coast to coast to coast.
As Canadians go to the polls for the fourth time in six years.
(Heavy breathing, moaning) Daniel: Shoes, shoes.
Take-take 'em off.
(Heavy breathing, moaning) Rachel: Oh, God.
My heart is racing.
Daniel: Mine too.
Mine too.
Mine too.
Rachel: I should just check the Twitter feed.
Daniel: No, no, no.
Do it later.
Rachel: We only have 15 minutes before George's victory rally.
Daniel: That-that-that's plenty of time.
Rachel: Okay.
Let's go to the back.
National News Anchor: Let's take another look at province by province analysis of party penetration.
Rachel: Life doesn't get any better than this! Agghhh! Whoa! (Laughing) Daniel: Okay.
Rachel: Yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh! (Rachel laughs) National News Anchor: The polls have just closed in Newfoundland and Labrador.
Cannonball! Daniel: Yeah.
Yeah.
Good.
Good.
That's good.
National News Anchor: Key metrics in these three swing ridings, seem to indicate that the prime minister, Dianne Gagnon, will form yet another minority government.
Rachel: Premature transmission.
Daniel: What? Rachel: They released the results before the polls closed in B.
C.
Daniel: That's a violation of section 329 of the Canada Elections Act.
This is a big, big disappointment to opposition leader George Quimby.
(Phones suddenly erupt, buzzing and ringing) - Where is my phone?! - Where is my phone?! As captain of this band of merry sailors I'm a black mark I'm a failure but before you watch me drown I'm relinquishing command for something I don't understand this man's about to turn his whole life upside down I settled here on a new shore my lips were blue and my legs were sore and I forget if I was pushed or I jumped overboard and after all this time, what's the difference? The Best Laid Plans 01x01 Here's The Deal Originally Aired January 5, 2014 Daniel: According to legend, Ottawa gets its name from an old Algonquin word meaning "Lets make a deal.
" For some people, that's how politics is A whole lot of wheeling and dealing.
After you've worked here for a while, it's hard to disagree.
My name is Daniel Addison.
Five years ago, I arrived on Parliament Hill with a PhD in Canadian literature, a copy of Orwell's "Politics and the English Language," and dreams of crafting speeches of such clarity, eloquence and persuasive power that they would rouse Canadians from their apathy, and spark an outbreak of lively, intelligent discourse.
Female tourist: 'Scuse me! Hi.
Do you work here? Why yes I do.
We're having a fight about the Queen and the Parliament.
Ah, yes.
Many people are confused by the nature of our Constitutional Monarchy Female tourist: Does she live there? Oh, that's actually the Peace Tower.
Have a nice day.
Whoa! (Door creaks open and shut) George Quimby: Merci de monsieur le president, our leader, George Quimby.
A good man, a decent man With all of the star quality of a low-fat muffin.
George Quimby:Les actes brutaux commis par le gouvernment de suede Daniel: (Winces) No, not Sweden Syria.
George: De La syrie Stanton: Addison.
Bradley Stanton.
George's chief of staff, and veteran spinmeister.
His one goal in life: To get the party and himself back in power.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's that? This is George's speech for the Economic Club this afternoon.
I'll take that.
Uh, George asked me to give it to him myself Relax.
He'll have plenty of time - He specifically asked - Just gonna do a quick scan - directly into his hands.
- before I hand it over.
Hmm.
Hmm.
(Chuckles) (Laughs) Addison, you are a genius.
Seriously.
You are the best speechwriter we've ever had.
Oh, thank you.
I-I was really trying to strike the perfect balance between scolding the banks while not What-what are you doing? Just a quick punch up.
Right.
Daniel: Every Tuesday we gather in Stanton's office for a "Thought Shower," as he calls it.
It's bad science.
It's bad public policy.
It does nothing to address the real root of crime in poverty and youth unemployment.
(All in agreement) Hmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Stanton: I disagree.
Daniel: Why? Stanton: Prisons.
No prisons.
The base doesn't care.
Daniel: Well, if the base doesn't care, then we have nothing to lose Stanton: But 21 percent of "Security Moms" think our party is soft on crime.
Daniel: So? It's an easy get.
Low hanging fruit.
You know, I read somewhere that low hanging fruit is actually the last to get picked.
Next.
Electoral reform.
Doesn't play.
We're dropping it.
Whoa! Are you serious? Electoral reform was one of the central planks of our Yeah, well, John Q.
Taxpayer thinks it's a snore.
Last item.
We're down to the final two choices for eye glasses.
Option number one.
Option number two.
Number two it is.
Thank you.
Boys and girls, I know it's summer and the house is in recess, but we need to be ready to hit the ground running for a fall election, because, as you know, Canadians deserve the chance to choose.
So stay keen, stay sharp.
Class dismissed.
(Claps) Go get 'em! (Chatter) I'll-I'll see you later.
(Moans, yawning) Hey.
Hey.
You had a late night? Strategy meeting with Warrington.
Pipeline, native rights, blah, blah, blah.
Hey, did you change the password? I can't get online.
Oh, yeah, Warrington's idea.
Are we out of soy butter? - Why? - Why?! Oh, yeah, he, uh Was worried about staffer's accounts being hacked.
So listen, I was thinking maybe we could get away this weekend.
I'm hearing about this hotel in St.
Foy.
It's in an old mill they've turned it Are you kidding? Why? What's wrong with You heard Stanton.
We can't afford to take time off right now.
We have to be ready to hit the ground running in the fall.
I don't know, four elections in six years, don't you think voters might be getting a little sick of going to the polls? Daniel, Canadians deserve a chance to choose.
Right.
Yeah.
Totally.
The important thing is not to let the cynicism get to you; to remember that politics really is the art of the possible; that good ideas can still prevail; that individuals really can make a difference.
Let me get this straight, you want me to write a speech about the tar sands Oil sands.
Referring to them as "ethical oil" Yup.
And using the term "job gusher.
" That's it.
So nine months ago I wrote a speech for George in which he referred to the tar sands as an ecological holocaust, and he compared using bitumen to "burning a Picasso for heat.
" An expression, by the way, which you insisted that I use.
Right.
So? So it's a complete freaking flip-flop.
No We're walking it back.
- To a flip-flop.
Stanton: - To a pivot.
We're going in circles here, Addison.
Right.
So words mean the opposite now? Is that what this is? Is that why we're the party in opposition? Jesus.
Just do your job, would you? Without all the attitude.
Technically, I was hired 178-billion barrels of oil in the ground and we're supposed to just leave it there? With 28 seats in Alberta? It's basic math, Addison.
I would like to speak with Warrington.
He is the energy critic and he would never approve this This comes directly from Warrington.
I don't believe you Addison, you're a speechwriter.
You're a dime a dozen.
Leave policy-making to the professionals, capiche? Okay.
(Computer keys clack) Ethical oil Job gusher Maybe throw in a line about women's rights.
What? You know, Fort McMurray versus Saudi Arabia.
(Chuckles) You know chicks over there, they aren't even allowed to drive? How messed up is that? Wow.
"Canada is one of the best places in the world to be a woman Why? No.
"Every barrel of conflict oil goes towards the very repression" (Computer keys clack) "The choice is clear: Democracy or Petrocracy.
" Sir Wilfrid Laurier, seventh Prime Minister of Canada.
Personal hero of mine.
"For my part, I ask only one thing, that we be judged according to our principles.
" I need to talk to Warrington.
This part of centre block is hallowed ground for me filled with images of men and women who have spent their lives in service to their country So I'll try and stay within the bounds of parliamentary language in describing what happened next.
(Heavy breathing, moaning) There was Rachel, on her knees, in front of Warrington, enthusiastically lobbying his caucus.
(Rachel moans with pleasure) It didn't take long before dick Warrington begged leave to introduce a private member's bill.
They were well on their way to royal assent when I rose on a point of privilege But changed my mind.
(Vomits) I'm well out of it all that horse-trading, backstabbing, power-grubbing.
It's all for the best.
It's time to move on.
In politics, leaving your options open standard operating procedure.
I'd recently received a letter of inquiry from my old Alma Mater, asking if I'd be interested in teaching in the department of English.
I hadn't exactly turned him down.
Phillip: Yes.
The position is still open.
Part-time for now.
But it could turn into something more tenure track, for the right person Hmm with, say, a PhD in the socio-historical origins of Canadian literary humour? And your connections ain't bad either.
May I ask why you chose to leave politics? I've always felt most at home in an academic environment.
Stanton: It's a knife to the heart! With an election on the horizon, you just abandon ship, leaving us in the lurch without a shred of remorse! I apologize for the short notice.
However, I do take comfort in the knowledge that guys like me are a dime a dozen.
George: W-we appreciate all you've done for us.
You're the best, Addington.
It's Addison.
George: Of course.
Well, thank you, George.
And best of luck to you and to the party.
George: Where will you be going? Oh, I'm taking a job at the University of Ottawa.
Hoping to find a place in Cumberland, on the river.
It's a nice commute.
Cumberland? Eric Cameron's riding.
Do we have a candidate? Not yet.
Ha! Ha! Good luck with that.
Safest seat in all of Canada.
What? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
We can't let Cameron run unopposed.
That would be wrong.
It's a matter of principle.
It's a matter of pride.
Forget it.
Find yourself another useful idiot because I am done.
George: You're breaking my heart, Daniel.
Well, I'm sorry, George.
I am really.
You little piece of merde! After all this party has done for you.
Done for me? We made you, we can break you.
Are you aware that everything you say is a cliche? You don't want me as your enemy.
Why? What are you going to do? Fit me for a pair of cement shoes and throw me in the Ottawa River? I'm just saying, I hope you've been very careful with your tax returns for the last, I don't know, seven years.
(Chuckles) What kind of threat is that? A call to CRA, from a highly-placed source.
Oh, come on.
Not to mention the RCMP.
I'm sure they'd be very interested to learn about your drug dealing days.
My what? I didn't even smoke pot.
Says you.
Not to mention the sexual harassment charges.
Daniel.
No, George, there was no sexual harassment of any kind! And once that gets out there, you can kiss your cushy university job goodbye.
Why? What? George! Daniel, I don't want to pressure you, but I would take it as a personal favour if you would just help us out.
You can have a free hand with the campaign.
Run it however you like.
This party desperately needs people with your integrity.
Fine.
Fine.
I will do this.
I will do this for you.
I'll find a candidate.
I'll run the campaign.
But once it's over, that's it, I'm out.
Stanton: Great.
Good.
Good.
We won't forget this, Addington.
Daniel: Addison.
Of course.
Yeah.
Student: Hey, dude, are you looking to share? 'Cause my friends and I got this totally ill crib down in Orleans.
Five bedrooms, four guys, rabbit named Chet, Chet's a bro, a dishwasher George Foreman grill.
Actually looking for a place for myself, but, uh, thanks, dude.
Yeah.
All right, no problem.
- Peace out, bro.
- Right on.
Sincerity I've almost forgotten what it sounds like.
Caller 1: It just makes me sick.
It's a total waste of taxpayers money.
Radio host: Okay, thank you.
Francine from Gatineau? Your thoughts? Caller 2: Haven't the opposition got better things to be doing than forcing another election on us? The whole thing is a scandal, even worse than those senators.
I am fed up.
Radio host: Thank you.
We have time for one more caller.
Jonathan from Kanata.
Your thoughts? Caller 3: Yeah, I'll tell you the problem: Karlsson.
He's too focused on offense.
Just cause he won the Norris Trophy he thinks he can run around chasing pucks in the neutral zone.
Radio host: Sorry.
What does all this have to do with the possibility of a fall election.
Caller 3: Oh.
I heard you mention the senators.
I thought you were talking about last night's game.
(Laughs) I don't know nothing about politics.
(Door creaks open) (Knocks) Not interested! Goodbye.
Cheeriou the nou! Daniel: Oh no! I-I'm here about the apartment.
We spoke on the phone.
My name is Daniel Addison.
Ah.
Sorry.
Ma heid's mince.
Come in.
Come in.
Won't be a moment.
Oh.
Ah, here you go.
Oh, thank you.
Not that I get much joy out of it.
Yesterday, I read an article on sewage treatment.
The writer didn't appear to know the difference between "affluent" and "effluent.
" Make yourself comfortable.
I won't be a moment.
(Birds sing outside) (Footsteps patter) My wife usually handles the rentals.
Oh, is she is she out of town? Ah.
Here we are.
(Keys jingle) It's a beautiful set.
It belonged to my grandfather.
Daniel: I love to play.
Haven't had much time lately, but I hope to.
Soon.
Well, come on, I'll show you the apartment.
The river's down there.
You're welcome to swim anytime.
I've got my workshop over there.
I like to putter around.
Otherwise, you'll find it's pretty quiet here.
Let's go in.
Now, let's see.
Bedroom.
Bathroom.
Kitchen.
Storage closet.
That's it.
Not too small, I hope.
Oh, no, no.
This is exactly what I was looking for.
My wife- there is no lease, but may I ask what you do? Professionally? I'm a speechwriter for the leader of the opposition.
Or rather, I was.
I've taken a job teaching English at the U of O.
I'm trying to get as far away from politics as possible.
(Chuckles) You've obviously never attended a faculty meeting.
I speak from experience.
Twenty-four years in the writhing snakepit known as the department of engineering.
Ah I should tell you, there's a few other people interested in the place.
Oh? Drop in on me I' the bygaun.
We'll have a game.
After you've settled in.
You mean? So should I call your wife, or (Emotional) My wife died Eleven months ago.
I'm so sorry.
Yes it's a Get me 12 post-dated cheques by Tuesday midnight and it's all yours.
(Church bells ring in the distance) Daniel: In politics, luck and timing are everything.
Take Eric Cameron, he happens to get elected Finance Minister at the start of the greatest economic boom since the Second World War.
Eric Cameron: Canada is and always has been our country.
A country built with old-fashioned values.
Announcer: Eric Cameron stands to protect nature and the economy.
And not to be crass, the death of his wife one year ago and the TV broadcast of her funeral didn't exactly hurt his approval rating.
Only one person from our party has had the temerity to run against him.
Again my name is Muriel Parkinson.
Daniel: I met her once.
She's a real trooper.
And with only four days to find a candidate I'm thinking Muriel might enjoy one more ride on the merry-go-round.
Hello.
Hello.
Man: No, no, no, no.
(Splat) Oof! (Gasps) I'm okay.
I'm okay.
(Sighs, winces) (Applauding) Thank you, thank you very much.
A-ha! Of course.
(Cheering and laughing) Excuse me, hi, I'm looking for You're the guy that just did the salchow outside? Yes.
Yes I am.
(Laughs) Quite the performance.
I'm so pleased that you enjoyed it.
Can't wait to see your long program.
(Laughing) Ah, Muriel Parkinson? Ah, in the common room.
Over there.
Thank you.
No, no, thank you! (Applause) Hi, Muriel.
I'm Daniel Addison.
We met a few years ago at the last candidates school.
Do you remember? Oh, no, no, no.
I was wondering if I could just have a few moments No, no.
I've done my bid.
Get yourself another sacrificial lamb.
Cumberland Prescott-security! Security! Jerry: All right, Sonny boy, you can go home.
The lady's not for turning.
Jerry.
Jerry.
It's okay.
It's okay, I can manage.
Really.
Ow! Jerry and I knew each other in high school.
He used to write me love poems in math class.
Life can be very strange, Daniel.
So you've come to ask me to run again.
How did you know? That unmistakable air of desperation.
Would you consider it? Daniel, my boy, I'm 73 years old.
I have hypertension, I have balance problems, a tricky knee.
I am not your candidate.
I'm sorry.
(Defeated sigh) Can't say I blame you.
Oh, don't take it personally.
I'd probably feel the same way.
A little light reading? Hmm.
Yes, I'm a longtime fan of Marin Lee.
I had no idea feminists could be funny.
No, that came out wrong.
I meant I really admired her.
Yeah, it was a great loss.
She had what my granny would have called gumption.
- Like you.
- Me? Please, you ran against Eric Cameron five times with no hope of winning.
If that's not gumption Call it pigheadedness.
I don't like Cameron.
I don't trust him, although I can't put my finger on it exactly Too good to be true? Exactly.
Exactly.
Just waiting for the wheels to fall off.
Well, that could take awhile.
In the meantime, I need to find a candidate.
Fast.
Well, Muriel, it was very nice seeing you again.
You know, it's because of people like you that I joined this party.
Daniel.
Daniel, I won't run, but I will help.
I'll give you a list of names some party supporters who might be willing to run against Cameron and a good cause.
Yes, thank you.
That would be very helpful.
Well, don't get too excited.
There're only nine of them.
Ever since I read "Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town," I've dreamed of living in a place like this.
Clean air, friendly people, a land of hope and sunshine.
Hi.
(Practices his pronunciation) Mukopadhyay.
Mukopadhyay.
Sanjay Mukopadhyay.
Mukopadhyay.
Sanjay: Better for low pressure, okay? Is that everything, Mrs.
Allison? Mrs.
Allison yes.
Oh, yes.
I need a shower curtain.
Sanjay: Aisle five.
- Thanks, dear.
- You're welcome.
Daniel: Mr.
Mukopadhyay? You practiced that, didn't you? Yes.
Sir, my name is Daniel Addison.
I just moved here.
I wanted to say hello.
Well, welcome to Cumberland.
Mrs.
Allison: And egg timers? Sanjay: Aisle nine, Mrs.
Allison.
So I understand you're the president of the Business Improvement Association.
That's right.
Mrs.
Allison: Melon ballers? Sanjay: By the cash.
Oh, okay.
Sorry, Mr.
Addison, so what can I help you with? A candidate.
Mrs.
Allison: And I need a key cut.
Sanjay: Jeremy, can you cut a key for Mrs.
Allison, please! Jeremy: Yeah, no problem.
Mrs.
Allison: Thanks, dear.
Sanjay: No problem, Mrs.
Allison.
Have a nice day.
Great.
Sorry.
So what did you say? I'm here to ask if you'd consider running against Eric Cameron.
Shhh.
Keep your voice down.
Do you think I want "Cameron Nation" knowing that I didn't vote for their man? Cameron Nation? Around here, Cameron is God.
You can't say the littlest thing critical without getting into trouble.
And with the big box store opening up downtown, I can't afford to lose anymore customers.
Okay, but if you run for office you'd have a chance to get that on the agenda.
Give people a chance to talk about what they want for their downtown.
No, sorry, it's too risky.
- Just - No.
Just take-take a day to think about it.
No, no, no.
Listen.
I don't need a day.
I don't need an hour, okay? I'm not your candidate.
Now is there anything else I can help you with? Basket strainer.
Aisle nine.
Nine.
Sarah Morgenstern.
Okay.
Here we go.
Daniel: And as a longtime party supporter, I'm sure you'll agree we can't just let Cameron walk away without a fight.
No, indeed.
It's a travesty.
Not to mention undemocratic.
There are some serious issues that need to be discussed in this election.
Yeah.
And without a credible opponent, that won't happen.
I totally agree.
Okay.
So how much do you need? I'm sorry, what? You're looking for a donation? For your campaign.
Oh, me? God, no.
I'm not running.
Then why are you I was thinking you could be our candidate.
- Me? - Yes.
Uh (Nervous chuckle) Daniel, I'm I'm flattered.
It's an honour to be asked.
But I've got responsibilities to my customers, my business.
It's a very demanding job.
Come back during rrsp season, it's a zoo.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Okay.
You know what? Take a calendar.
Hmm? No.
(Defeated exhale) (Phone rings) Daniel: Hey, Bradley.
Danny boy, how's it going? Oh, swell.
So who's our candidate? Daniel: No-one, and I am out of options.
What? Yeah, Bradley, nobody wants to run against a candidate who has a ninety-six percent approval rating.
Listen, Addison.
We had a deal, okay? You find me a candidate and I don't wreck your life! Okay, look, look, look.
Bradley, I'm doing my best here, okay? It's done.
Eric Cameron has this town in a stranglehold.
You want stranglehold? I'll show you stranglehold.
Here.
You're just not trying hard enough.
I have a list.
Sir, hi.
I'm Daniel Addison, i wanted to talk to you about maybe you running for office.
Why? Well, so you can talk about things that matter to you.
Things that matter to me? Yeah.
Like, uh, healthcare or free trade.
Immigration policy.
Sure.
Yes, making Canada a more welcoming society.
No, I'm talking about all them foreigners coming over here from who-knows-where taking all our jobs.
Right, well, we've always favoured an open door policy And the gays.
(Faintly) And the gays.
We allow them in the military, and we don't let our kids celebrate Christmas? Yeah, I think-and another thing: UFOs.
There is a whole department in Ottawa dedicated to covering up the truth about them.
I wanted to talk to you about maybe running against Eric Cameron.
I am Daniel Addison.
I wonder if you ever considered running for office 'cause you are just the type of candidate Cumberland Prescott needs.
(Gravel crunches under wheels) (Door shuts) Hi.
You're smoking again? Stress.
You know.
Aren't you going to invite me in? (Door creaks open) Okay.
(Rachel clears her throat) It's a nice place.
I always wanted to live on the river.
Daniel, about what happened, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
It wasn't my finest moment.
And just so you know it wasn't about you.
It was Kissinger Syndrome.
Kissinger Syndrome? What, a blatant disregard for international law and human rights? No, a momentary attraction to a powerful, older man.
But once I figured that out it was over.
Daniel, I miss what we had.
All those late-night strategy meetings.
They're just not the same without you.
Remember that fight we had over what we should be saying during the EU Free Trade negotiations? I remember what came afterwards.
Nobody does it better, Daniel.
Rachel I And that's why, when Stanton asked me to come here Whoa.
Whoa whoa whoa! Stanton? Yes.
He was hoping - we're all hoping That you'll come back and help Quimby with the debate prep.
My God, I'm such an idiot.
What? I thought that I actually thought You know what? It doesn't matter.
You should go now.
Why? W-what did I do? Look, Rachel, I don't want anything to do with politics or you ever again, do understand me? Oh, Daniel, why do you always have to take everything so personally? (Rachel slams the door, Daniel scoffs) Daniel: There's an old cliche that a week is a long time in politics.
Well, for the broken-hearted, a week is nothing.
It's a blink of the eye.
It's a drop in the ocean of longing and self-pity.
(Rachael screaming) Daniel: There you go.
Okay.
See.
Jump.
Jump.
Shoo! Ooh.
Good job.
Okay.
Bye bye.
Off you go.
Oh! I hate raccoons.
They're sneaky.
Yeah, I know.
Me too.
They're pushy too, with their little stubby fingers.
(Relieved sigh) What were you doing when I called? Ah.
I was researching for George's speech to the Dairy Farmers Association.
Sounds fascinating.
Oh, believe me.
Did you know that cows produce over 25 gallons of saliva every day.
No! It's true, it's true.
Also, they have no upper teeth.
How do they get the grass into their mouths? They use their tongues.
And, um, no two holsteins have the same pattern.
Shut up! I have no reason to lie to you.
Rachel: I can't have sex on Wednesday.
Dick's got a meeting with a constituent.
Okay.
Thursday? MacLeans interview.
You have to be there? He needs backup.
Okay, Friday I'm gone.
How is Saturday? Saturday yeah.
I guess.
As long us it's not too late.
Nothing fancy.
I have to meet my trainer in the morning.
Okay.
Sex on Saturday! Sounds great.
Can't wait.
Gotta run.
Okay.
Anyway, I've learned my lesson.
Love and politics Just don't mix.
(Computer beeps) What the hell is that? (Paper rustles) Goddamnit! They can't do that to me! I'll nae put up with that! (Knocks) Something wrong? Wrong? It's torture.
It's a travesty.
It's the goddamn seventh circle of hell.
Can I get you a glass of water or something? (Snaps fingers) Lagavulin.
A large one.
Daniel: Okay.
(Breathes heavily) Bad news? That's a masterpiece of understatement, Dr.
Addison.
It's just a letter asking you if you'll teach an English class to first year engineers.
Exactly! What's so terrible about that? They're unteachable! They wouldn't know English literature if it threw up on them! The only thing they care about is beer and video games.
But every five years I've been forced to take it on.
Last year nearly killed me.
The only thing that got me through the long and tedious hours was the knowledge that the next time my number came up, I'd be retired.
Or so I thought.
So, if you did it last year, aren't you off the hook? Due to a bizarre confluence of illnesses, sabbaticals, and "early" retirements, I'm back in the running.
Is there's anything you can do to get out of it? Short of releasing a fistful of antimatter in the faculty building, none that occurs to me.
(Chuckles) I'm going to siphon the wee python.
I didn't know engineers were allowed to have feminist literature on their premises.
A popular stereotype and not without reason.
Those books belonged to my wife.
Marin Lee It's the second time her name has come up this week.
Is that so? Daniel: I met her once at a student conference.
She was wickedly funny.
Sexy as hell.
I was smitten.
(Chuckles) I'm sure Marin would be pleased to know that such a discriminating fan was living in our guest house.
Sorry, what? I was married to Marin Lee for forty years.
Oh, I'm so sorry, I meant no offense.
None taken.
And yes, she was sexy as hell.
(Laughs) I miss her more than I can say.
Agh! Marin would have told me to brace up.
She would have said that our liberal education is one of the pillars of democracy.
Of course, she never had to teach the little twerps.
Oh, God.
I'll ne'er endure it.
What I wouldn't give for a pair of Ruby slippers and a ticket to Oz.
Angus, you're a Canadian citizen? For forty years.
And you're over eighteen.
Not sure where you're going with this, lad.
I have a proposal for you.
What if I were to take over your English for engineers class? (Laughing) You? Take over my class? That's the idea.
Pull the other one, it plays jingle bells.
No, I'm serious.
Did ye not hear what I said? It's trench warfare.
You'd nae survive with your faculties intact.
Be that as it may, I'm in the English department.
I'm willing to take on your burden.
You sound lightheaded, lad.
Let me get you something to eat.
And all I ask in return is that you to agree to run as a candidate in Cumberland Prescott? Are you stark-raving bonkers? Hear me out.
I'm not asking you to do anything more than just put your name on the ballot.
Hey, look, Eric Cameron, he's got this riding in the palm of his hand and nothing nothing is going to change that.
You could be the invisible candidate.
The Scarlet Pimpernel of Cumberland Prescott.
We need more Lagavulin.
(Glasses clink) Angus: Now let me get this straight.
Uh-huh.
You are going to take over my class.
Correct.
And in return, I do what? - Nothing! - Nothing.
No.
Nothing.
You sign the papers and that's all You show up at the nomination meeting.
Ah, no.
No.
No.
I can't do that.
Okay, okay.
How about Maybe an interview.
No interviews.
Okay.
Uh, lawn signs? No canvassing, no speeches, no baby-kissing.
I'll make no effort whatsoever.
Why would I? You promised me I'd lose.
Ah, okay.
Okay, okay.
But I have to do something to make this look like an actual campaign.
You're really that desperate? Oh yeah, really.
Really and truly.
How about a pamphlet? A pamphlet.
Yeah.
It's a single-sided, three colours, a couple of quotes.
We stuff it in mailboxes, we're done! One pamphlet in exchange for teaching my class.
Give me that pen.
Right.
One pamphlet (Laughs) Right? Yeah.
(Laughing) (Glasses clink) Free at last.
(Laughing) Thank God almighty I am free at last! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Time for a swim! Care to join me? No thanks.
(Laughing) (Groans) His name is Angus McLintock.
He's a tenured Professor of engineering at the U of O.
He is a widower.
No criminal record, to my knowledge.
And I will get you his CV in the morning.
Okay.
(Sighs) Angus: O, my luve is like a red, red rose, that's newly sprung in June O, my love is like a melodie that's sweetly play'd in tune as fair thou art, my bonnie lass, so deep in luve am I and I will luve thee still, my dear till a' the seas gang dry I've come with the nomination papers! What?!! Announcer: Tomorrow The campaign is off and running.
Who's your candidate? (Loud laughter) We could use all the help we can get.
Announcer: The Best Laid Plans, continues tomorrow at 9:00 on CBC.
As Canadians go to the polls for the fourth time in six years.
(Heavy breathing, moaning) Daniel: Shoes, shoes.
Take-take 'em off.
(Heavy breathing, moaning) Rachel: Oh, God.
My heart is racing.
Daniel: Mine too.
Mine too.
Mine too.
Rachel: I should just check the Twitter feed.
Daniel: No, no, no.
Do it later.
Rachel: We only have 15 minutes before George's victory rally.
Daniel: That-that-that's plenty of time.
Rachel: Okay.
Let's go to the back.
National News Anchor: Let's take another look at province by province analysis of party penetration.
Rachel: Life doesn't get any better than this! Agghhh! Whoa! (Laughing) Daniel: Okay.
Rachel: Yeah! Oh! Oh! Oh! (Rachel laughs) National News Anchor: The polls have just closed in Newfoundland and Labrador.
Cannonball! Daniel: Yeah.
Yeah.
Good.
Good.
That's good.
National News Anchor: Key metrics in these three swing ridings, seem to indicate that the prime minister, Dianne Gagnon, will form yet another minority government.
Rachel: Premature transmission.
Daniel: What? Rachel: They released the results before the polls closed in B.
C.
Daniel: That's a violation of section 329 of the Canada Elections Act.
This is a big, big disappointment to opposition leader George Quimby.
(Phones suddenly erupt, buzzing and ringing) - Where is my phone?! - Where is my phone?! As captain of this band of merry sailors I'm a black mark I'm a failure but before you watch me drown I'm relinquishing command for something I don't understand this man's about to turn his whole life upside down I settled here on a new shore my lips were blue and my legs were sore and I forget if I was pushed or I jumped overboard and after all this time, what's the difference? The Best Laid Plans 01x01 Here's The Deal Originally Aired January 5, 2014 Daniel: According to legend, Ottawa gets its name from an old Algonquin word meaning "Lets make a deal.
" For some people, that's how politics is A whole lot of wheeling and dealing.
After you've worked here for a while, it's hard to disagree.
My name is Daniel Addison.
Five years ago, I arrived on Parliament Hill with a PhD in Canadian literature, a copy of Orwell's "Politics and the English Language," and dreams of crafting speeches of such clarity, eloquence and persuasive power that they would rouse Canadians from their apathy, and spark an outbreak of lively, intelligent discourse.
Female tourist: 'Scuse me! Hi.
Do you work here? Why yes I do.
We're having a fight about the Queen and the Parliament.
Ah, yes.
Many people are confused by the nature of our Constitutional Monarchy Female tourist: Does she live there? Oh, that's actually the Peace Tower.
Have a nice day.
Whoa! (Door creaks open and shut) George Quimby: Merci de monsieur le president, our leader, George Quimby.
A good man, a decent man With all of the star quality of a low-fat muffin.
George Quimby:Les actes brutaux commis par le gouvernment de suede Daniel: (Winces) No, not Sweden Syria.
George: De La syrie Stanton: Addison.
Bradley Stanton.
George's chief of staff, and veteran spinmeister.
His one goal in life: To get the party and himself back in power.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What's that? This is George's speech for the Economic Club this afternoon.
I'll take that.
Uh, George asked me to give it to him myself Relax.
He'll have plenty of time - He specifically asked - Just gonna do a quick scan - directly into his hands.
- before I hand it over.
Hmm.
Hmm.
(Chuckles) (Laughs) Addison, you are a genius.
Seriously.
You are the best speechwriter we've ever had.
Oh, thank you.
I-I was really trying to strike the perfect balance between scolding the banks while not What-what are you doing? Just a quick punch up.
Right.
Daniel: Every Tuesday we gather in Stanton's office for a "Thought Shower," as he calls it.
It's bad science.
It's bad public policy.
It does nothing to address the real root of crime in poverty and youth unemployment.
(All in agreement) Hmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Stanton: I disagree.
Daniel: Why? Stanton: Prisons.
No prisons.
The base doesn't care.
Daniel: Well, if the base doesn't care, then we have nothing to lose Stanton: But 21 percent of "Security Moms" think our party is soft on crime.
Daniel: So? It's an easy get.
Low hanging fruit.
You know, I read somewhere that low hanging fruit is actually the last to get picked.
Next.
Electoral reform.
Doesn't play.
We're dropping it.
Whoa! Are you serious? Electoral reform was one of the central planks of our Yeah, well, John Q.
Taxpayer thinks it's a snore.
Last item.
We're down to the final two choices for eye glasses.
Option number one.
Option number two.
Number two it is.
Thank you.
Boys and girls, I know it's summer and the house is in recess, but we need to be ready to hit the ground running for a fall election, because, as you know, Canadians deserve the chance to choose.
So stay keen, stay sharp.
Class dismissed.
(Claps) Go get 'em! (Chatter) I'll-I'll see you later.
(Moans, yawning) Hey.
Hey.
You had a late night? Strategy meeting with Warrington.
Pipeline, native rights, blah, blah, blah.
Hey, did you change the password? I can't get online.
Oh, yeah, Warrington's idea.
Are we out of soy butter? - Why? - Why?! Oh, yeah, he, uh Was worried about staffer's accounts being hacked.
So listen, I was thinking maybe we could get away this weekend.
I'm hearing about this hotel in St.
Foy.
It's in an old mill they've turned it Are you kidding? Why? What's wrong with You heard Stanton.
We can't afford to take time off right now.
We have to be ready to hit the ground running in the fall.
I don't know, four elections in six years, don't you think voters might be getting a little sick of going to the polls? Daniel, Canadians deserve a chance to choose.
Right.
Yeah.
Totally.
The important thing is not to let the cynicism get to you; to remember that politics really is the art of the possible; that good ideas can still prevail; that individuals really can make a difference.
Let me get this straight, you want me to write a speech about the tar sands Oil sands.
Referring to them as "ethical oil" Yup.
And using the term "job gusher.
" That's it.
So nine months ago I wrote a speech for George in which he referred to the tar sands as an ecological holocaust, and he compared using bitumen to "burning a Picasso for heat.
" An expression, by the way, which you insisted that I use.
Right.
So? So it's a complete freaking flip-flop.
No We're walking it back.
- To a flip-flop.
Stanton: - To a pivot.
We're going in circles here, Addison.
Right.
So words mean the opposite now? Is that what this is? Is that why we're the party in opposition? Jesus.
Just do your job, would you? Without all the attitude.
Technically, I was hired 178-billion barrels of oil in the ground and we're supposed to just leave it there? With 28 seats in Alberta? It's basic math, Addison.
I would like to speak with Warrington.
He is the energy critic and he would never approve this This comes directly from Warrington.
I don't believe you Addison, you're a speechwriter.
You're a dime a dozen.
Leave policy-making to the professionals, capiche? Okay.
(Computer keys clack) Ethical oil Job gusher Maybe throw in a line about women's rights.
What? You know, Fort McMurray versus Saudi Arabia.
(Chuckles) You know chicks over there, they aren't even allowed to drive? How messed up is that? Wow.
"Canada is one of the best places in the world to be a woman Why? No.
"Every barrel of conflict oil goes towards the very repression" (Computer keys clack) "The choice is clear: Democracy or Petrocracy.
" Sir Wilfrid Laurier, seventh Prime Minister of Canada.
Personal hero of mine.
"For my part, I ask only one thing, that we be judged according to our principles.
" I need to talk to Warrington.
This part of centre block is hallowed ground for me filled with images of men and women who have spent their lives in service to their country So I'll try and stay within the bounds of parliamentary language in describing what happened next.
(Heavy breathing, moaning) There was Rachel, on her knees, in front of Warrington, enthusiastically lobbying his caucus.
(Rachel moans with pleasure) It didn't take long before dick Warrington begged leave to introduce a private member's bill.
They were well on their way to royal assent when I rose on a point of privilege But changed my mind.
(Vomits) I'm well out of it all that horse-trading, backstabbing, power-grubbing.
It's all for the best.
It's time to move on.
In politics, leaving your options open standard operating procedure.
I'd recently received a letter of inquiry from my old Alma Mater, asking if I'd be interested in teaching in the department of English.
I hadn't exactly turned him down.
Phillip: Yes.
The position is still open.
Part-time for now.
But it could turn into something more tenure track, for the right person Hmm with, say, a PhD in the socio-historical origins of Canadian literary humour? And your connections ain't bad either.
May I ask why you chose to leave politics? I've always felt most at home in an academic environment.
Stanton: It's a knife to the heart! With an election on the horizon, you just abandon ship, leaving us in the lurch without a shred of remorse! I apologize for the short notice.
However, I do take comfort in the knowledge that guys like me are a dime a dozen.
George: W-we appreciate all you've done for us.
You're the best, Addington.
It's Addison.
George: Of course.
Well, thank you, George.
And best of luck to you and to the party.
George: Where will you be going? Oh, I'm taking a job at the University of Ottawa.
Hoping to find a place in Cumberland, on the river.
It's a nice commute.
Cumberland? Eric Cameron's riding.
Do we have a candidate? Not yet.
Ha! Ha! Good luck with that.
Safest seat in all of Canada.
What? Oh, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
We can't let Cameron run unopposed.
That would be wrong.
It's a matter of principle.
It's a matter of pride.
Forget it.
Find yourself another useful idiot because I am done.
George: You're breaking my heart, Daniel.
Well, I'm sorry, George.
I am really.
You little piece of merde! After all this party has done for you.
Done for me? We made you, we can break you.
Are you aware that everything you say is a cliche? You don't want me as your enemy.
Why? What are you going to do? Fit me for a pair of cement shoes and throw me in the Ottawa River? I'm just saying, I hope you've been very careful with your tax returns for the last, I don't know, seven years.
(Chuckles) What kind of threat is that? A call to CRA, from a highly-placed source.
Oh, come on.
Not to mention the RCMP.
I'm sure they'd be very interested to learn about your drug dealing days.
My what? I didn't even smoke pot.
Says you.
Not to mention the sexual harassment charges.
Daniel.
No, George, there was no sexual harassment of any kind! And once that gets out there, you can kiss your cushy university job goodbye.
Why? What? George! Daniel, I don't want to pressure you, but I would take it as a personal favour if you would just help us out.
You can have a free hand with the campaign.
Run it however you like.
This party desperately needs people with your integrity.
Fine.
Fine.
I will do this.
I will do this for you.
I'll find a candidate.
I'll run the campaign.
But once it's over, that's it, I'm out.
Stanton: Great.
Good.
Good.
We won't forget this, Addington.
Daniel: Addison.
Of course.
Yeah.
Student: Hey, dude, are you looking to share? 'Cause my friends and I got this totally ill crib down in Orleans.
Five bedrooms, four guys, rabbit named Chet, Chet's a bro, a dishwasher George Foreman grill.
Actually looking for a place for myself, but, uh, thanks, dude.
Yeah.
All right, no problem.
- Peace out, bro.
- Right on.
Sincerity I've almost forgotten what it sounds like.
Caller 1: It just makes me sick.
It's a total waste of taxpayers money.
Radio host: Okay, thank you.
Francine from Gatineau? Your thoughts? Caller 2: Haven't the opposition got better things to be doing than forcing another election on us? The whole thing is a scandal, even worse than those senators.
I am fed up.
Radio host: Thank you.
We have time for one more caller.
Jonathan from Kanata.
Your thoughts? Caller 3: Yeah, I'll tell you the problem: Karlsson.
He's too focused on offense.
Just cause he won the Norris Trophy he thinks he can run around chasing pucks in the neutral zone.
Radio host: Sorry.
What does all this have to do with the possibility of a fall election.
Caller 3: Oh.
I heard you mention the senators.
I thought you were talking about last night's game.
(Laughs) I don't know nothing about politics.
(Door creaks open) (Knocks) Not interested! Goodbye.
Cheeriou the nou! Daniel: Oh no! I-I'm here about the apartment.
We spoke on the phone.
My name is Daniel Addison.
Ah.
Sorry.
Ma heid's mince.
Come in.
Come in.
Won't be a moment.
Oh.
Ah, here you go.
Oh, thank you.
Not that I get much joy out of it.
Yesterday, I read an article on sewage treatment.
The writer didn't appear to know the difference between "affluent" and "effluent.
" Make yourself comfortable.
I won't be a moment.
(Birds sing outside) (Footsteps patter) My wife usually handles the rentals.
Oh, is she is she out of town? Ah.
Here we are.
(Keys jingle) It's a beautiful set.
It belonged to my grandfather.
Daniel: I love to play.
Haven't had much time lately, but I hope to.
Soon.
Well, come on, I'll show you the apartment.
The river's down there.
You're welcome to swim anytime.
I've got my workshop over there.
I like to putter around.
Otherwise, you'll find it's pretty quiet here.
Let's go in.
Now, let's see.
Bedroom.
Bathroom.
Kitchen.
Storage closet.
That's it.
Not too small, I hope.
Oh, no, no.
This is exactly what I was looking for.
My wife- there is no lease, but may I ask what you do? Professionally? I'm a speechwriter for the leader of the opposition.
Or rather, I was.
I've taken a job teaching English at the U of O.
I'm trying to get as far away from politics as possible.
(Chuckles) You've obviously never attended a faculty meeting.
I speak from experience.
Twenty-four years in the writhing snakepit known as the department of engineering.
Ah I should tell you, there's a few other people interested in the place.
Oh? Drop in on me I' the bygaun.
We'll have a game.
After you've settled in.
You mean? So should I call your wife, or (Emotional) My wife died Eleven months ago.
I'm so sorry.
Yes it's a Get me 12 post-dated cheques by Tuesday midnight and it's all yours.
(Church bells ring in the distance) Daniel: In politics, luck and timing are everything.
Take Eric Cameron, he happens to get elected Finance Minister at the start of the greatest economic boom since the Second World War.
Eric Cameron: Canada is and always has been our country.
A country built with old-fashioned values.
Announcer: Eric Cameron stands to protect nature and the economy.
And not to be crass, the death of his wife one year ago and the TV broadcast of her funeral didn't exactly hurt his approval rating.
Only one person from our party has had the temerity to run against him.
Again my name is Muriel Parkinson.
Daniel: I met her once.
She's a real trooper.
And with only four days to find a candidate I'm thinking Muriel might enjoy one more ride on the merry-go-round.
Hello.
Hello.
Man: No, no, no, no.
(Splat) Oof! (Gasps) I'm okay.
I'm okay.
(Sighs, winces) (Applauding) Thank you, thank you very much.
A-ha! Of course.
(Cheering and laughing) Excuse me, hi, I'm looking for You're the guy that just did the salchow outside? Yes.
Yes I am.
(Laughs) Quite the performance.
I'm so pleased that you enjoyed it.
Can't wait to see your long program.
(Laughing) Ah, Muriel Parkinson? Ah, in the common room.
Over there.
Thank you.
No, no, thank you! (Applause) Hi, Muriel.
I'm Daniel Addison.
We met a few years ago at the last candidates school.
Do you remember? Oh, no, no, no.
I was wondering if I could just have a few moments No, no.
I've done my bid.
Get yourself another sacrificial lamb.
Cumberland Prescott-security! Security! Jerry: All right, Sonny boy, you can go home.
The lady's not for turning.
Jerry.
Jerry.
It's okay.
It's okay, I can manage.
Really.
Ow! Jerry and I knew each other in high school.
He used to write me love poems in math class.
Life can be very strange, Daniel.
So you've come to ask me to run again.
How did you know? That unmistakable air of desperation.
Would you consider it? Daniel, my boy, I'm 73 years old.
I have hypertension, I have balance problems, a tricky knee.
I am not your candidate.
I'm sorry.
(Defeated sigh) Can't say I blame you.
Oh, don't take it personally.
I'd probably feel the same way.
A little light reading? Hmm.
Yes, I'm a longtime fan of Marin Lee.
I had no idea feminists could be funny.
No, that came out wrong.
I meant I really admired her.
Yeah, it was a great loss.
She had what my granny would have called gumption.
- Like you.
- Me? Please, you ran against Eric Cameron five times with no hope of winning.
If that's not gumption Call it pigheadedness.
I don't like Cameron.
I don't trust him, although I can't put my finger on it exactly Too good to be true? Exactly.
Exactly.
Just waiting for the wheels to fall off.
Well, that could take awhile.
In the meantime, I need to find a candidate.
Fast.
Well, Muriel, it was very nice seeing you again.
You know, it's because of people like you that I joined this party.
Daniel.
Daniel, I won't run, but I will help.
I'll give you a list of names some party supporters who might be willing to run against Cameron and a good cause.
Yes, thank you.
That would be very helpful.
Well, don't get too excited.
There're only nine of them.
Ever since I read "Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town," I've dreamed of living in a place like this.
Clean air, friendly people, a land of hope and sunshine.
Hi.
(Practices his pronunciation) Mukopadhyay.
Mukopadhyay.
Sanjay Mukopadhyay.
Mukopadhyay.
Sanjay: Better for low pressure, okay? Is that everything, Mrs.
Allison? Mrs.
Allison yes.
Oh, yes.
I need a shower curtain.
Sanjay: Aisle five.
- Thanks, dear.
- You're welcome.
Daniel: Mr.
Mukopadhyay? You practiced that, didn't you? Yes.
Sir, my name is Daniel Addison.
I just moved here.
I wanted to say hello.
Well, welcome to Cumberland.
Mrs.
Allison: And egg timers? Sanjay: Aisle nine, Mrs.
Allison.
So I understand you're the president of the Business Improvement Association.
That's right.
Mrs.
Allison: Melon ballers? Sanjay: By the cash.
Oh, okay.
Sorry, Mr.
Addison, so what can I help you with? A candidate.
Mrs.
Allison: And I need a key cut.
Sanjay: Jeremy, can you cut a key for Mrs.
Allison, please! Jeremy: Yeah, no problem.
Mrs.
Allison: Thanks, dear.
Sanjay: No problem, Mrs.
Allison.
Have a nice day.
Great.
Sorry.
So what did you say? I'm here to ask if you'd consider running against Eric Cameron.
Shhh.
Keep your voice down.
Do you think I want "Cameron Nation" knowing that I didn't vote for their man? Cameron Nation? Around here, Cameron is God.
You can't say the littlest thing critical without getting into trouble.
And with the big box store opening up downtown, I can't afford to lose anymore customers.
Okay, but if you run for office you'd have a chance to get that on the agenda.
Give people a chance to talk about what they want for their downtown.
No, sorry, it's too risky.
- Just - No.
Just take-take a day to think about it.
No, no, no.
Listen.
I don't need a day.
I don't need an hour, okay? I'm not your candidate.
Now is there anything else I can help you with? Basket strainer.
Aisle nine.
Nine.
Sarah Morgenstern.
Okay.
Here we go.
Daniel: And as a longtime party supporter, I'm sure you'll agree we can't just let Cameron walk away without a fight.
No, indeed.
It's a travesty.
Not to mention undemocratic.
There are some serious issues that need to be discussed in this election.
Yeah.
And without a credible opponent, that won't happen.
I totally agree.
Okay.
So how much do you need? I'm sorry, what? You're looking for a donation? For your campaign.
Oh, me? God, no.
I'm not running.
Then why are you I was thinking you could be our candidate.
- Me? - Yes.
Uh (Nervous chuckle) Daniel, I'm I'm flattered.
It's an honour to be asked.
But I've got responsibilities to my customers, my business.
It's a very demanding job.
Come back during rrsp season, it's a zoo.
Thanks so much for stopping by.
Okay.
You know what? Take a calendar.
Hmm? No.
(Defeated exhale) (Phone rings) Daniel: Hey, Bradley.
Danny boy, how's it going? Oh, swell.
So who's our candidate? Daniel: No-one, and I am out of options.
What? Yeah, Bradley, nobody wants to run against a candidate who has a ninety-six percent approval rating.
Listen, Addison.
We had a deal, okay? You find me a candidate and I don't wreck your life! Okay, look, look, look.
Bradley, I'm doing my best here, okay? It's done.
Eric Cameron has this town in a stranglehold.
You want stranglehold? I'll show you stranglehold.
Here.
You're just not trying hard enough.
I have a list.
Sir, hi.
I'm Daniel Addison, i wanted to talk to you about maybe you running for office.
Why? Well, so you can talk about things that matter to you.
Things that matter to me? Yeah.
Like, uh, healthcare or free trade.
Immigration policy.
Sure.
Yes, making Canada a more welcoming society.
No, I'm talking about all them foreigners coming over here from who-knows-where taking all our jobs.
Right, well, we've always favoured an open door policy And the gays.
(Faintly) And the gays.
We allow them in the military, and we don't let our kids celebrate Christmas? Yeah, I think-and another thing: UFOs.
There is a whole department in Ottawa dedicated to covering up the truth about them.
I wanted to talk to you about maybe running against Eric Cameron.
I am Daniel Addison.
I wonder if you ever considered running for office 'cause you are just the type of candidate Cumberland Prescott needs.
(Gravel crunches under wheels) (Door shuts) Hi.
You're smoking again? Stress.
You know.
Aren't you going to invite me in? (Door creaks open) Okay.
(Rachel clears her throat) It's a nice place.
I always wanted to live on the river.
Daniel, about what happened, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
It wasn't my finest moment.
And just so you know it wasn't about you.
It was Kissinger Syndrome.
Kissinger Syndrome? What, a blatant disregard for international law and human rights? No, a momentary attraction to a powerful, older man.
But once I figured that out it was over.
Daniel, I miss what we had.
All those late-night strategy meetings.
They're just not the same without you.
Remember that fight we had over what we should be saying during the EU Free Trade negotiations? I remember what came afterwards.
Nobody does it better, Daniel.
Rachel I And that's why, when Stanton asked me to come here Whoa.
Whoa whoa whoa! Stanton? Yes.
He was hoping - we're all hoping That you'll come back and help Quimby with the debate prep.
My God, I'm such an idiot.
What? I thought that I actually thought You know what? It doesn't matter.
You should go now.
Why? W-what did I do? Look, Rachel, I don't want anything to do with politics or you ever again, do understand me? Oh, Daniel, why do you always have to take everything so personally? (Rachel slams the door, Daniel scoffs) Daniel: There's an old cliche that a week is a long time in politics.
Well, for the broken-hearted, a week is nothing.
It's a blink of the eye.
It's a drop in the ocean of longing and self-pity.
(Rachael screaming) Daniel: There you go.
Okay.
See.
Jump.
Jump.
Shoo! Ooh.
Good job.
Okay.
Bye bye.
Off you go.
Oh! I hate raccoons.
They're sneaky.
Yeah, I know.
Me too.
They're pushy too, with their little stubby fingers.
(Relieved sigh) What were you doing when I called? Ah.
I was researching for George's speech to the Dairy Farmers Association.
Sounds fascinating.
Oh, believe me.
Did you know that cows produce over 25 gallons of saliva every day.
No! It's true, it's true.
Also, they have no upper teeth.
How do they get the grass into their mouths? They use their tongues.
And, um, no two holsteins have the same pattern.
Shut up! I have no reason to lie to you.
Rachel: I can't have sex on Wednesday.
Dick's got a meeting with a constituent.
Okay.
Thursday? MacLeans interview.
You have to be there? He needs backup.
Okay, Friday I'm gone.
How is Saturday? Saturday yeah.
I guess.
As long us it's not too late.
Nothing fancy.
I have to meet my trainer in the morning.
Okay.
Sex on Saturday! Sounds great.
Can't wait.
Gotta run.
Okay.
Anyway, I've learned my lesson.
Love and politics Just don't mix.
(Computer beeps) What the hell is that? (Paper rustles) Goddamnit! They can't do that to me! I'll nae put up with that! (Knocks) Something wrong? Wrong? It's torture.
It's a travesty.
It's the goddamn seventh circle of hell.
Can I get you a glass of water or something? (Snaps fingers) Lagavulin.
A large one.
Daniel: Okay.
(Breathes heavily) Bad news? That's a masterpiece of understatement, Dr.
Addison.
It's just a letter asking you if you'll teach an English class to first year engineers.
Exactly! What's so terrible about that? They're unteachable! They wouldn't know English literature if it threw up on them! The only thing they care about is beer and video games.
But every five years I've been forced to take it on.
Last year nearly killed me.
The only thing that got me through the long and tedious hours was the knowledge that the next time my number came up, I'd be retired.
Or so I thought.
So, if you did it last year, aren't you off the hook? Due to a bizarre confluence of illnesses, sabbaticals, and "early" retirements, I'm back in the running.
Is there's anything you can do to get out of it? Short of releasing a fistful of antimatter in the faculty building, none that occurs to me.
(Chuckles) I'm going to siphon the wee python.
I didn't know engineers were allowed to have feminist literature on their premises.
A popular stereotype and not without reason.
Those books belonged to my wife.
Marin Lee It's the second time her name has come up this week.
Is that so? Daniel: I met her once at a student conference.
She was wickedly funny.
Sexy as hell.
I was smitten.
(Chuckles) I'm sure Marin would be pleased to know that such a discriminating fan was living in our guest house.
Sorry, what? I was married to Marin Lee for forty years.
Oh, I'm so sorry, I meant no offense.
None taken.
And yes, she was sexy as hell.
(Laughs) I miss her more than I can say.
Agh! Marin would have told me to brace up.
She would have said that our liberal education is one of the pillars of democracy.
Of course, she never had to teach the little twerps.
Oh, God.
I'll ne'er endure it.
What I wouldn't give for a pair of Ruby slippers and a ticket to Oz.
Angus, you're a Canadian citizen? For forty years.
And you're over eighteen.
Not sure where you're going with this, lad.
I have a proposal for you.
What if I were to take over your English for engineers class? (Laughing) You? Take over my class? That's the idea.
Pull the other one, it plays jingle bells.
No, I'm serious.
Did ye not hear what I said? It's trench warfare.
You'd nae survive with your faculties intact.
Be that as it may, I'm in the English department.
I'm willing to take on your burden.
You sound lightheaded, lad.
Let me get you something to eat.
And all I ask in return is that you to agree to run as a candidate in Cumberland Prescott? Are you stark-raving bonkers? Hear me out.
I'm not asking you to do anything more than just put your name on the ballot.
Hey, look, Eric Cameron, he's got this riding in the palm of his hand and nothing nothing is going to change that.
You could be the invisible candidate.
The Scarlet Pimpernel of Cumberland Prescott.
We need more Lagavulin.
(Glasses clink) Angus: Now let me get this straight.
Uh-huh.
You are going to take over my class.
Correct.
And in return, I do what? - Nothing! - Nothing.
No.
Nothing.
You sign the papers and that's all You show up at the nomination meeting.
Ah, no.
No.
No.
I can't do that.
Okay, okay.
How about Maybe an interview.
No interviews.
Okay.
Uh, lawn signs? No canvassing, no speeches, no baby-kissing.
I'll make no effort whatsoever.
Why would I? You promised me I'd lose.
Ah, okay.
Okay, okay.
But I have to do something to make this look like an actual campaign.
You're really that desperate? Oh yeah, really.
Really and truly.
How about a pamphlet? A pamphlet.
Yeah.
It's a single-sided, three colours, a couple of quotes.
We stuff it in mailboxes, we're done! One pamphlet in exchange for teaching my class.
Give me that pen.
Right.
One pamphlet (Laughs) Right? Yeah.
(Laughing) (Glasses clink) Free at last.
(Laughing) Thank God almighty I am free at last! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Time for a swim! Care to join me? No thanks.
(Laughing) (Groans) His name is Angus McLintock.
He's a tenured Professor of engineering at the U of O.
He is a widower.
No criminal record, to my knowledge.
And I will get you his CV in the morning.
Okay.
(Sighs) Angus: O, my luve is like a red, red rose, that's newly sprung in June O, my love is like a melodie that's sweetly play'd in tune as fair thou art, my bonnie lass, so deep in luve am I and I will luve thee still, my dear till a' the seas gang dry I've come with the nomination papers! What?!! Announcer: Tomorrow The campaign is off and running.
Who's your candidate? (Loud laughter) We could use all the help we can get.
Announcer: The Best Laid Plans, continues tomorrow at 9:00 on CBC.