The Big C (2010) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
You want me to put a pool in this yard? Yes.
Please.
Unless you're planning on taking out the fence over there and asking the neighbours to go in halfsies with you, it's not gonna fit.
I'm sorry.
I know it's small, but Okay, and you got this beautiful shade tree right here - you're gonna wanna keep.
- I don't care about Let me tell you what you should do.
Let me bump out the deck.
All right? And we'll put in a nice sunken hot tub.
And maybe even, we'll do a little barbecue pit right here.
I think it'll be real nice.
It'll be an outdoor living room.
Okay.
That's fine.
Just do that.
How fast can you finish it? Well, it's the first day of summer, so it's our busy season.
- I'll pay extra.
- Well, I still have three jobs ahead of you.
- I'll pay double.
- I will have a crew out here in the morning.
- Happy first day of summer.
- And to you.
We'll do a hot tub.
Everybody's cooler with a pool.
Be cool with Cool Pools.
Is that your new lover? Is that why I'm sleeping on my sister's couch? I'm gonna bump out the deck and put in a hot tub.
I thought we were saving for new closet systems.
Catherine, I don't know who you are any more.
Why are you here? I came to get the heating pad you use for your cramps.
Feel that.
- That's a big knot.
- Yeah.
Could you just rub it for me for one second? Just One Oh, God, it feels so good.
Oh, get in there.
Honey.
Can we please fix this? I miss you so much and I'm so sorry about what happened.
I'm sorry, Paul.
I have to go.
I have an appointment with the dermatologist.
Well, can we just have dinner or something? Can we, at the very least, figure out what we're gonna tell Adam tomorrow? 'Cause right now my story is, "Adam, your mom's a meanie!" Okay.
Dinner.
We didn't have a lot of money growing up, but we did have a pool in our back yard.
My brother and I, we would spend all summer in it, making up dives.
My signature was the Banana Split and Dive.
Sounds fun.
Except when Sean would hold me under the water and fart on my face.
Hello, breast.
- How long has that been happening? - Didn't even notice.
Well, screw you.
Anyway, in regards to your question, I don't think I want to do that.
Just, I've always really loved my hair.
- I cry every time I get it cut.
- You won't necessarily lose your hair.
My nose is another story.
If you told me I was gonna lose my nose What's that? It's some information on alternative treatments for melanoma.
Crap.
I thought it was a cure.
- How does your husband feel? - I haven't told him yet.
I'm just kind of a private person.
Except around you.
I can't seem to shut up around you.
Here.
These are some tips on how to talk to loved ones, a lot of people find it very difficult.
- Are you married? - No.
But I think I'd want to know.
I was going to tell him.
And then when I got home, there were 15 men in my house playing video games.
Paul was drunk and peeing in the front yard.
I found myself saying, "I think I need to be alone for a while.
" Some support groups you might be interested in.
I just got this image of when you do get married, you and your bride standing at the altar, passing brochures back and forth.
Tell someone, Cathy.
It's the first day of summer in Minneapolis! Don't make it our last! It's the first day of summer in Minneapolis! Don't make it our last! Excuse me.
You guys got a minute to help save the planet? No? When you get that plastic home, put it over your daughter's head and suffocate her with it! 'Cause you're destroying her future! Did you go to business school to learn to appeal to people like that? No, I went to Shut the Fuck Up Technical Institute.
- I bet you were first in your class.
- No, but I slept with her.
- Get in the car.
- Come back and pick me up on a bike.
- I've got something to tell you.
- Go tell it on a mountain.
Get in the damn car, Sean! - The least you could do is buy a hybrid.
- The least you could do is take a shower.
Excuse me, sir? I'll take that for you.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Gross.
- I know you are.
I would have bought you a meal.
We throw away a ton of food in this country every single day.
And not a figurative ton, an actual ton.
Besides, I wouldn't want to take food out of the mouths of all those tapeworms you're feeding.
Never comment on a woman's meal.
So, what did you wanna tell me? You're an asshole.
- I don't want this.
- It's just some money, just to tuck away.
I do not want it.
- Have we met? - You don't have to spend it.
- Just in case you want to get an apartment.
- I feel like I'm on a train in Europe.
And you're a little German man and I'm me, and we're sitting across from each other and we're talking.
But neither of us really understands the other one.
I understand that you love shocking people and you think living like this is a good idea right now, but just do me a favour and take it.
Okay.
I'll give it to The Salvation Army.
No, you will not.
You will not give it to The Salvation Army.
- Hey, guys, take it easy.
- No.
Sean! Relax.
She's my sister.
You want me to have it as long as I do - what you want me to do with it.
- I want you to spend it on yourself.
- I want you to be happy.
- No, you want to be happy, and you think this will do it for you.
This isn't about me.
I'm frigging ecstatic.
Jesus, I wish you knew what that felt like.
What does that mean? You don't think I'm happy? No, I don't wanna be a judge, 'cause that's your thing, but eight out of the 10 times I saw you last year, all you could talk about was whether you were gonna buy a couch from Crate and Barrel - or Pottery Farm.
- Barn! Like I care.
"One was cheaper, but the other one had a nicer fabric.
" And ultimately, you decided to stick with the one you already had 'cause it was a safe neutral with a few good years still left in it.
God, am I glad you worked through that! - That doesn't mean I'm not happy.
- Good.
Then you are just really fucking boring.
I wanted a new couch because you spilled fruit punch while you were bouncing on the cushions.
Not bouncing.
Riverdancing.
I am craving the pasta, but I love their chicken.
So I was thinking, maybe, you get the pasta, I get the chicken, and we split.
What 45-year-old man dances on a couch sober? Who said I was sober? Now I have to reverse the cushions.
I have to hide the stain.
I used to lie awake at night, upset, because even though you couldn't see the stains, I knew they were there.
Well, that's why I told you to go ahead and pick out a new couch.
I don't want to be the one to pick out the new couch.
I want to be the one to spill the fruit punch.
But you're not the spilling-the-fruit-punch type.
Do you think I'm boring? Just please tell me what I have to do to get back in the house.
- You do.
You think I'm boring.
- I do not.
Look, it's just the way that our personalities break down.
I like to do certain things that some people might categorise as fun, and you like to do other things that people might consider less than an optimal good time.
- Like what? - Well, like, organise stuff and clean stuff and put things in containers.
I wanted to be the fun one! I wanted the house with the pool so I could teach Adam the Banana Split and Dive, but you wanted to be closer to your job so you could Vespa to work.
And you said it was a better idea because so many people die in pools.
People die everywhere.
I said it was a better idea because you threw a tantrum in front of the realtor.
I made my point in an emotional way, sure.
You made your point in a childish way.
Well, maybe I wouldn't act like such a kid if you didn't ask me if I needed to pee every time we leave the house.
Maybe I wouldn't treat you like a child if every time I made you a sandwich, you didn't ask me to cut the crusts off the bread.
- Sue me! I love a crustless sandwich.
- Well, I love onions.
I haven't had an onion in 15 years because you say they're stinky poo-poo.
They are! Come on, Cathy, are you honestly telling me that I'm sleeping on my sister's couch because you want to start cooking with onions again? Yes, Paul.
That's it.
I want onions to be a major part of my life in the next year.
Are you ready to order? I'm just having desserts and liquor.
- Your money or your life! - Oh, my God! - Get on the ground! - No, please, don't hurt me! - Hands behind your head! - Don't hurt me! I have a child! Hey, Mom.
Did you miss me? - That's not funny.
- It was kind of funny from this side.
- Why are you home? - Brent's parents just drove really fast.
Some vacation.
They fought the entire time.
Where's Dad? He's staying at Aunt Lisa's.
Why? Sometimes adults just need a little breathing space.
Jesus! What did you do? What does that mean? Don't say "Jesus.
" Jesus.
Are you gonna get a divorce? Honey, everything's gonna be fine.
We're building a deck onto the house with a hot tub - so you and your friends - I don't like hot tubs.
- You don't? - No.
You said they're like sitting in a giant petri dish.
Everybody's germs crawling up in your butthole.
Pretty sure I didn't say "butthole.
" You're tired.
Go to bed.
Jesus! No, Brian, you're not understanding.
I want I want a pool.
Not a hot tub, a pool.
Okay, Brian, let me call you back.
Dig a hole as deep and as wide as you possibly can.
Cut down the shade tree.
Dig right up to the house so that I can dive into the pool from my porch.
I'll pay you overtime.
But if you don't want this job, I'll get somebody else.
It's no skin off my nose.
I have no loyalty to you.
We just met.
Hey, lady, if that's what you want, I will get a digger out here this afternoon.
Great.
Get your digger out here.
The bigger your digger, the better.
Bring it back.
I'm sorry, I'm Cathy.
It's weird.
I've lived across the street from you for five years, I never got your name.
I apologise for that.
You know, there's a dog park pretty close to here.
My son could Well, guess who's not gonna swim in my pool.
Are you gonna teach us anything today? Have I ever taught you anything? Really? This is summer school, so I guess the answer's obvious.
Anybody ever seen The Patriot? Lts depiction of the American Revolution is about 20% accurate, at best.
But if you understood this version as truth, you'd still know more about that time in history than 99% of Americans.
And Mel Gibson is medium-good.
Enjoy.
You're late again, Andrea.
Yeah, but I figured since you usually spend the first 10 minutes of every class trying to get to your point, I didn't miss a whole lot.
"Class, chapter one Sorry, chapter two.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
" Funny.
Come get your test.
You can't be fat and mean, Andrea.
- What? - You heard me.
If you're gonna dish it out, you got to be able to lick it up.
Fat people are jolly for a reason.
Fat repels people, but joy attracts them.
Now, I know everyone's laughing at your cruel jokes, but nobody's inviting you to the prom.
So you can either be fat and jolly or a skinny bitch.
It's up to you.
Sit down.
We're watching a movie.
- I'm starving my face off.
- Help me cut.
I am making chilli.
Your favourite.
- Not with onions in it.
- You've never even tried them.
We had sushi on vacation.
Okay, it was awesome.
I am a warrior! This is my weapon! I will teach you many things! Hey! Careful with that.
I cut my finger off.
Mom - Oh, God.
Here, here, hold it.
- Jesus! I cut it off.
- Hold this very tight.
- Okay.
- Very tight.
Get into the car - Mom Okay.
and we'll go to the hospital.
Go.
- Okay.
Mom? - That wasn't funny! - Let's take a vote.
I'll discuss your punishment with your dad.
Let me know how that goes.
Did you not flush the toilet? No, it won't flush.
Well, did you try and plunge it? You plunge it.
I'm gonna go eat at Brent's.
- What's the problem? - This your house? No, I live in the next town over.
I just like to walk around in my robe.
Tighten your belt 'cause your boob's hanging out.
You don't have permits for this job.
So? I'm not bothering anyone.
One of your neighbours complained.
Which one? God! I'm so sorry.
- You can't just walk into my house.
- You have no idea what I can do.
- You're a pain in the ass.
- You're a fucking cunt.
Get out! You have never said hello to me.
You have never smiled even a little bit.
And you sit out there and you scowl at everybody that walks by your rundown house that looks like shit and smells like chicken that you fried 23 years ago.
Then I do one small construction project and you have to go behind my back! And I really I wanted to teach my son the Banana Split and Dive.
Because I don't have a lot of time.
Summers in Minneapolis, they are very short.
They're here and then it's over.
It's just over.
And I cannot tell you how mad that makes me! I'm so sorry.
My husband built this house and he loved puttering around in the yard.
I accused him of loving that lawn more than me once.
- Let me guess - He died.
And all my friends are dead.
So I just sit out there and wait until I can see them again.
Sorry I'm not in a better mood! Well, if you think you're gonna be waiting at least one more day, do your neighbours a favour and mow your fucking grass! - Please kiss my big onion mouth.
- No.
'Cause they're stinky, aren't they? They're stinky.
From now on, it's all about you.
However long it takes, forever, you.
Make our day, leave a message.
Hi, Cathy, it's Dr Mauer, Todd.
I'm just calling to check in, see how you are.
I've been thinking about you.
A lot.
Anyway, call me.
Who's that? I've been meaning to talk to you about something.
Are you fucking kidding me? So this is why you need your space? This is what you mean by fun? A little doctor fun on the side? Well, you are not boring any more, Catherine.
I'll give you that.
Jesus! How could you do this to me? - Eventually you're gonna have to tell him.
- Well, maybe you can tell him for me.
I mean, after all, you have more practice giving out this kind of news.
Does it get easier? Do you like it? Does it give you bit of a God complex? You're my first.
Really? Well, I mean, I've been in on other diagnoses with other doctors, - you know, in my training.
- How old are you? - Thirty-one.
- Holy shit.
Shows you how good my insurance is.
I get the new guy.
So, as your first, how was I? Well, the first thing you said was, "It's okay.
" Like you were more worried about me.
Bad habit of mine.
It takes 28 days to break a habit, right? I have that.
So, how was I? Very professional and matter-of-fact, but detailed.
You dumbed it down enough to be clear but not insulting.
And underneath it all, you seemed sad, and I appreciated that.
But after you left the room, I heard you joking with the nurse about putting the doughnuts too close to the urine samples and was that what you were supposed to wash them down with.
- You heard that? - Made me doubt your sincerity.
Thin walls.
I'll remember that.
You'll remember more than that.
- You think? - Of course.
Because you always remember your first.
Are you smoking? Did you just do a cartwheel? I want you to think of every one of these you smoke as taking six months off of your life.
You know what? I'd rather be skinny and die young than be fat forever.
What can I say? Fat camp didn't work for me.
Yeah, well, there gotta be other options.
The blood sugar diet, the protein diet, the starvation diet, the pretending-l-just-don't-care strategy.
You know what, you would be mean, too.
- You just need motivation.
- I'm healed! Thanks, Mrs Jamison.
I should've come to you sooner.
I'll pay you 100 bucks for every pound you lose.
Here is a good faith $23.
We meet in the gym every Friday at 2:00 for weigh-ins.
If you smell like a cigarette, the deal is off.
This skinny bitch will see you on Friday then.
My name's Marlene.
My dog's name is Thomas.
He doesn't like walking 'cause he's got a thing on his toe, but thanks for the offer.
Nice to meet you, Marlene.
Can I borrow your lawnmower? Mine's dead.
Add it to the list.
Sure.
I'll have my son bring it over.
Marlene.
If you were ready to go, did you ever think about just going? I think about it all the time.
But I just keep waking up.
You call me any time, day or night.
It doesn't matter, you understand? Call me when we're together, call me right now? Call me right now! It's a phone, too.
I know.
Love you, buddy.
Mom! Mom? Oh, my God.
Why aren't you laughing? - No! No way! No way! You suck! - Listen to me.
Someday I am gonna be dead, and as a courtesy to the world, I don't want to leave them the guy who doesn't know how to get his shit to flush.
And let me be clear! Your dad isn't living here because I only wanted to raise one kid and I chose you.
And from now on, I'm gonna raise you so hard your head's gonna spin.
Come on.
- Get off me! What are you doing? - Sorry it's not sushi.
The instructions are in the name.
Plunge her.
- Where'd you get that? - Dad gave it to me.
- I don't think so.
- Mom, give me my phone back.
Mom.
Mom, come on.
Open the door! This isn't cool! This isn't cool.
Turn the music down and open the door.
What the hell! Mom, seriously, it smells like shit in here.
Let me out.
Mom? Mom! Seriously, let me out! Let me out, Mom, seriously.
I brought you some chilli.
I want for nothing.
It's leftovers.
I was gonna throw it away.
Take a picture, it lasts longer.
You wearing a robe? I never noticed what a handsome guy you are.
No wonder my friend Holly had such a crush on you in high school.
She'd come over to hang out, I'd catch her in your room, staring at your clothes.
- I never knew that.
- It grossed me out to think of you two together, so I told her you were gay.
Well, I guess she thinks she lost her virginity to a gay guy then.
No way! Way! I'm gonna burn my couch in the back yard on Friday, if you wanna come over for a bonfire.
You're starting to get your weird back, sis.
You have no idea.
And I could do chemo, but I'd just be buying a little more time and it would mean a lot of people taking care of me, and it's just not my thing.
You know what makes me feel better, though, if I'm being honest? It makes me feel better to think that we're all dying.
All of us.
And when you have a kid, you expect that you'll die before they do, even though you try not to think about it, at least you hope to God you do.
So, if I think about it that way, hey, I'm living the dream! I'm here all year! Performing at Stage Four.
Oh, come on.
Come on, you got to give it up for me a little bit.
It's kind of funny.
Death comedy.
I'm warning you, this laughter might turn into a sob in a second.
Yup.
There it goes.
As long as I'm being raw and vulnerable here, I might as well tell you, I'm feeling very much in love with you right now.
It could just be gratitude.
You want to see my boobs? No one else seems to give a shit.
Please.
Unless you're planning on taking out the fence over there and asking the neighbours to go in halfsies with you, it's not gonna fit.
I'm sorry.
I know it's small, but Okay, and you got this beautiful shade tree right here - you're gonna wanna keep.
- I don't care about Let me tell you what you should do.
Let me bump out the deck.
All right? And we'll put in a nice sunken hot tub.
And maybe even, we'll do a little barbecue pit right here.
I think it'll be real nice.
It'll be an outdoor living room.
Okay.
That's fine.
Just do that.
How fast can you finish it? Well, it's the first day of summer, so it's our busy season.
- I'll pay extra.
- Well, I still have three jobs ahead of you.
- I'll pay double.
- I will have a crew out here in the morning.
- Happy first day of summer.
- And to you.
We'll do a hot tub.
Everybody's cooler with a pool.
Be cool with Cool Pools.
Is that your new lover? Is that why I'm sleeping on my sister's couch? I'm gonna bump out the deck and put in a hot tub.
I thought we were saving for new closet systems.
Catherine, I don't know who you are any more.
Why are you here? I came to get the heating pad you use for your cramps.
Feel that.
- That's a big knot.
- Yeah.
Could you just rub it for me for one second? Just One Oh, God, it feels so good.
Oh, get in there.
Honey.
Can we please fix this? I miss you so much and I'm so sorry about what happened.
I'm sorry, Paul.
I have to go.
I have an appointment with the dermatologist.
Well, can we just have dinner or something? Can we, at the very least, figure out what we're gonna tell Adam tomorrow? 'Cause right now my story is, "Adam, your mom's a meanie!" Okay.
Dinner.
We didn't have a lot of money growing up, but we did have a pool in our back yard.
My brother and I, we would spend all summer in it, making up dives.
My signature was the Banana Split and Dive.
Sounds fun.
Except when Sean would hold me under the water and fart on my face.
Hello, breast.
- How long has that been happening? - Didn't even notice.
Well, screw you.
Anyway, in regards to your question, I don't think I want to do that.
Just, I've always really loved my hair.
- I cry every time I get it cut.
- You won't necessarily lose your hair.
My nose is another story.
If you told me I was gonna lose my nose What's that? It's some information on alternative treatments for melanoma.
Crap.
I thought it was a cure.
- How does your husband feel? - I haven't told him yet.
I'm just kind of a private person.
Except around you.
I can't seem to shut up around you.
Here.
These are some tips on how to talk to loved ones, a lot of people find it very difficult.
- Are you married? - No.
But I think I'd want to know.
I was going to tell him.
And then when I got home, there were 15 men in my house playing video games.
Paul was drunk and peeing in the front yard.
I found myself saying, "I think I need to be alone for a while.
" Some support groups you might be interested in.
I just got this image of when you do get married, you and your bride standing at the altar, passing brochures back and forth.
Tell someone, Cathy.
It's the first day of summer in Minneapolis! Don't make it our last! It's the first day of summer in Minneapolis! Don't make it our last! Excuse me.
You guys got a minute to help save the planet? No? When you get that plastic home, put it over your daughter's head and suffocate her with it! 'Cause you're destroying her future! Did you go to business school to learn to appeal to people like that? No, I went to Shut the Fuck Up Technical Institute.
- I bet you were first in your class.
- No, but I slept with her.
- Get in the car.
- Come back and pick me up on a bike.
- I've got something to tell you.
- Go tell it on a mountain.
Get in the damn car, Sean! - The least you could do is buy a hybrid.
- The least you could do is take a shower.
Excuse me, sir? I'll take that for you.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Gross.
- I know you are.
I would have bought you a meal.
We throw away a ton of food in this country every single day.
And not a figurative ton, an actual ton.
Besides, I wouldn't want to take food out of the mouths of all those tapeworms you're feeding.
Never comment on a woman's meal.
So, what did you wanna tell me? You're an asshole.
- I don't want this.
- It's just some money, just to tuck away.
I do not want it.
- Have we met? - You don't have to spend it.
- Just in case you want to get an apartment.
- I feel like I'm on a train in Europe.
And you're a little German man and I'm me, and we're sitting across from each other and we're talking.
But neither of us really understands the other one.
I understand that you love shocking people and you think living like this is a good idea right now, but just do me a favour and take it.
Okay.
I'll give it to The Salvation Army.
No, you will not.
You will not give it to The Salvation Army.
- Hey, guys, take it easy.
- No.
Sean! Relax.
She's my sister.
You want me to have it as long as I do - what you want me to do with it.
- I want you to spend it on yourself.
- I want you to be happy.
- No, you want to be happy, and you think this will do it for you.
This isn't about me.
I'm frigging ecstatic.
Jesus, I wish you knew what that felt like.
What does that mean? You don't think I'm happy? No, I don't wanna be a judge, 'cause that's your thing, but eight out of the 10 times I saw you last year, all you could talk about was whether you were gonna buy a couch from Crate and Barrel - or Pottery Farm.
- Barn! Like I care.
"One was cheaper, but the other one had a nicer fabric.
" And ultimately, you decided to stick with the one you already had 'cause it was a safe neutral with a few good years still left in it.
God, am I glad you worked through that! - That doesn't mean I'm not happy.
- Good.
Then you are just really fucking boring.
I wanted a new couch because you spilled fruit punch while you were bouncing on the cushions.
Not bouncing.
Riverdancing.
I am craving the pasta, but I love their chicken.
So I was thinking, maybe, you get the pasta, I get the chicken, and we split.
What 45-year-old man dances on a couch sober? Who said I was sober? Now I have to reverse the cushions.
I have to hide the stain.
I used to lie awake at night, upset, because even though you couldn't see the stains, I knew they were there.
Well, that's why I told you to go ahead and pick out a new couch.
I don't want to be the one to pick out the new couch.
I want to be the one to spill the fruit punch.
But you're not the spilling-the-fruit-punch type.
Do you think I'm boring? Just please tell me what I have to do to get back in the house.
- You do.
You think I'm boring.
- I do not.
Look, it's just the way that our personalities break down.
I like to do certain things that some people might categorise as fun, and you like to do other things that people might consider less than an optimal good time.
- Like what? - Well, like, organise stuff and clean stuff and put things in containers.
I wanted to be the fun one! I wanted the house with the pool so I could teach Adam the Banana Split and Dive, but you wanted to be closer to your job so you could Vespa to work.
And you said it was a better idea because so many people die in pools.
People die everywhere.
I said it was a better idea because you threw a tantrum in front of the realtor.
I made my point in an emotional way, sure.
You made your point in a childish way.
Well, maybe I wouldn't act like such a kid if you didn't ask me if I needed to pee every time we leave the house.
Maybe I wouldn't treat you like a child if every time I made you a sandwich, you didn't ask me to cut the crusts off the bread.
- Sue me! I love a crustless sandwich.
- Well, I love onions.
I haven't had an onion in 15 years because you say they're stinky poo-poo.
They are! Come on, Cathy, are you honestly telling me that I'm sleeping on my sister's couch because you want to start cooking with onions again? Yes, Paul.
That's it.
I want onions to be a major part of my life in the next year.
Are you ready to order? I'm just having desserts and liquor.
- Your money or your life! - Oh, my God! - Get on the ground! - No, please, don't hurt me! - Hands behind your head! - Don't hurt me! I have a child! Hey, Mom.
Did you miss me? - That's not funny.
- It was kind of funny from this side.
- Why are you home? - Brent's parents just drove really fast.
Some vacation.
They fought the entire time.
Where's Dad? He's staying at Aunt Lisa's.
Why? Sometimes adults just need a little breathing space.
Jesus! What did you do? What does that mean? Don't say "Jesus.
" Jesus.
Are you gonna get a divorce? Honey, everything's gonna be fine.
We're building a deck onto the house with a hot tub - so you and your friends - I don't like hot tubs.
- You don't? - No.
You said they're like sitting in a giant petri dish.
Everybody's germs crawling up in your butthole.
Pretty sure I didn't say "butthole.
" You're tired.
Go to bed.
Jesus! No, Brian, you're not understanding.
I want I want a pool.
Not a hot tub, a pool.
Okay, Brian, let me call you back.
Dig a hole as deep and as wide as you possibly can.
Cut down the shade tree.
Dig right up to the house so that I can dive into the pool from my porch.
I'll pay you overtime.
But if you don't want this job, I'll get somebody else.
It's no skin off my nose.
I have no loyalty to you.
We just met.
Hey, lady, if that's what you want, I will get a digger out here this afternoon.
Great.
Get your digger out here.
The bigger your digger, the better.
Bring it back.
I'm sorry, I'm Cathy.
It's weird.
I've lived across the street from you for five years, I never got your name.
I apologise for that.
You know, there's a dog park pretty close to here.
My son could Well, guess who's not gonna swim in my pool.
Are you gonna teach us anything today? Have I ever taught you anything? Really? This is summer school, so I guess the answer's obvious.
Anybody ever seen The Patriot? Lts depiction of the American Revolution is about 20% accurate, at best.
But if you understood this version as truth, you'd still know more about that time in history than 99% of Americans.
And Mel Gibson is medium-good.
Enjoy.
You're late again, Andrea.
Yeah, but I figured since you usually spend the first 10 minutes of every class trying to get to your point, I didn't miss a whole lot.
"Class, chapter one Sorry, chapter two.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
" Funny.
Come get your test.
You can't be fat and mean, Andrea.
- What? - You heard me.
If you're gonna dish it out, you got to be able to lick it up.
Fat people are jolly for a reason.
Fat repels people, but joy attracts them.
Now, I know everyone's laughing at your cruel jokes, but nobody's inviting you to the prom.
So you can either be fat and jolly or a skinny bitch.
It's up to you.
Sit down.
We're watching a movie.
- I'm starving my face off.
- Help me cut.
I am making chilli.
Your favourite.
- Not with onions in it.
- You've never even tried them.
We had sushi on vacation.
Okay, it was awesome.
I am a warrior! This is my weapon! I will teach you many things! Hey! Careful with that.
I cut my finger off.
Mom - Oh, God.
Here, here, hold it.
- Jesus! I cut it off.
- Hold this very tight.
- Okay.
- Very tight.
Get into the car - Mom Okay.
and we'll go to the hospital.
Go.
- Okay.
Mom? - That wasn't funny! - Let's take a vote.
I'll discuss your punishment with your dad.
Let me know how that goes.
Did you not flush the toilet? No, it won't flush.
Well, did you try and plunge it? You plunge it.
I'm gonna go eat at Brent's.
- What's the problem? - This your house? No, I live in the next town over.
I just like to walk around in my robe.
Tighten your belt 'cause your boob's hanging out.
You don't have permits for this job.
So? I'm not bothering anyone.
One of your neighbours complained.
Which one? God! I'm so sorry.
- You can't just walk into my house.
- You have no idea what I can do.
- You're a pain in the ass.
- You're a fucking cunt.
Get out! You have never said hello to me.
You have never smiled even a little bit.
And you sit out there and you scowl at everybody that walks by your rundown house that looks like shit and smells like chicken that you fried 23 years ago.
Then I do one small construction project and you have to go behind my back! And I really I wanted to teach my son the Banana Split and Dive.
Because I don't have a lot of time.
Summers in Minneapolis, they are very short.
They're here and then it's over.
It's just over.
And I cannot tell you how mad that makes me! I'm so sorry.
My husband built this house and he loved puttering around in the yard.
I accused him of loving that lawn more than me once.
- Let me guess - He died.
And all my friends are dead.
So I just sit out there and wait until I can see them again.
Sorry I'm not in a better mood! Well, if you think you're gonna be waiting at least one more day, do your neighbours a favour and mow your fucking grass! - Please kiss my big onion mouth.
- No.
'Cause they're stinky, aren't they? They're stinky.
From now on, it's all about you.
However long it takes, forever, you.
Make our day, leave a message.
Hi, Cathy, it's Dr Mauer, Todd.
I'm just calling to check in, see how you are.
I've been thinking about you.
A lot.
Anyway, call me.
Who's that? I've been meaning to talk to you about something.
Are you fucking kidding me? So this is why you need your space? This is what you mean by fun? A little doctor fun on the side? Well, you are not boring any more, Catherine.
I'll give you that.
Jesus! How could you do this to me? - Eventually you're gonna have to tell him.
- Well, maybe you can tell him for me.
I mean, after all, you have more practice giving out this kind of news.
Does it get easier? Do you like it? Does it give you bit of a God complex? You're my first.
Really? Well, I mean, I've been in on other diagnoses with other doctors, - you know, in my training.
- How old are you? - Thirty-one.
- Holy shit.
Shows you how good my insurance is.
I get the new guy.
So, as your first, how was I? Well, the first thing you said was, "It's okay.
" Like you were more worried about me.
Bad habit of mine.
It takes 28 days to break a habit, right? I have that.
So, how was I? Very professional and matter-of-fact, but detailed.
You dumbed it down enough to be clear but not insulting.
And underneath it all, you seemed sad, and I appreciated that.
But after you left the room, I heard you joking with the nurse about putting the doughnuts too close to the urine samples and was that what you were supposed to wash them down with.
- You heard that? - Made me doubt your sincerity.
Thin walls.
I'll remember that.
You'll remember more than that.
- You think? - Of course.
Because you always remember your first.
Are you smoking? Did you just do a cartwheel? I want you to think of every one of these you smoke as taking six months off of your life.
You know what? I'd rather be skinny and die young than be fat forever.
What can I say? Fat camp didn't work for me.
Yeah, well, there gotta be other options.
The blood sugar diet, the protein diet, the starvation diet, the pretending-l-just-don't-care strategy.
You know what, you would be mean, too.
- You just need motivation.
- I'm healed! Thanks, Mrs Jamison.
I should've come to you sooner.
I'll pay you 100 bucks for every pound you lose.
Here is a good faith $23.
We meet in the gym every Friday at 2:00 for weigh-ins.
If you smell like a cigarette, the deal is off.
This skinny bitch will see you on Friday then.
My name's Marlene.
My dog's name is Thomas.
He doesn't like walking 'cause he's got a thing on his toe, but thanks for the offer.
Nice to meet you, Marlene.
Can I borrow your lawnmower? Mine's dead.
Add it to the list.
Sure.
I'll have my son bring it over.
Marlene.
If you were ready to go, did you ever think about just going? I think about it all the time.
But I just keep waking up.
You call me any time, day or night.
It doesn't matter, you understand? Call me when we're together, call me right now? Call me right now! It's a phone, too.
I know.
Love you, buddy.
Mom! Mom? Oh, my God.
Why aren't you laughing? - No! No way! No way! You suck! - Listen to me.
Someday I am gonna be dead, and as a courtesy to the world, I don't want to leave them the guy who doesn't know how to get his shit to flush.
And let me be clear! Your dad isn't living here because I only wanted to raise one kid and I chose you.
And from now on, I'm gonna raise you so hard your head's gonna spin.
Come on.
- Get off me! What are you doing? - Sorry it's not sushi.
The instructions are in the name.
Plunge her.
- Where'd you get that? - Dad gave it to me.
- I don't think so.
- Mom, give me my phone back.
Mom.
Mom, come on.
Open the door! This isn't cool! This isn't cool.
Turn the music down and open the door.
What the hell! Mom, seriously, it smells like shit in here.
Let me out.
Mom? Mom! Seriously, let me out! Let me out, Mom, seriously.
I brought you some chilli.
I want for nothing.
It's leftovers.
I was gonna throw it away.
Take a picture, it lasts longer.
You wearing a robe? I never noticed what a handsome guy you are.
No wonder my friend Holly had such a crush on you in high school.
She'd come over to hang out, I'd catch her in your room, staring at your clothes.
- I never knew that.
- It grossed me out to think of you two together, so I told her you were gay.
Well, I guess she thinks she lost her virginity to a gay guy then.
No way! Way! I'm gonna burn my couch in the back yard on Friday, if you wanna come over for a bonfire.
You're starting to get your weird back, sis.
You have no idea.
And I could do chemo, but I'd just be buying a little more time and it would mean a lot of people taking care of me, and it's just not my thing.
You know what makes me feel better, though, if I'm being honest? It makes me feel better to think that we're all dying.
All of us.
And when you have a kid, you expect that you'll die before they do, even though you try not to think about it, at least you hope to God you do.
So, if I think about it that way, hey, I'm living the dream! I'm here all year! Performing at Stage Four.
Oh, come on.
Come on, you got to give it up for me a little bit.
It's kind of funny.
Death comedy.
I'm warning you, this laughter might turn into a sob in a second.
Yup.
There it goes.
As long as I'm being raw and vulnerable here, I might as well tell you, I'm feeling very much in love with you right now.
It could just be gratitude.
You want to see my boobs? No one else seems to give a shit.