The Boss Baby: Back in the Crib (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1 - Hold all my call Whoa! - [laughing.]
Boss Baby! ♪ I'm the boss Dial in to the meeting ♪ Everybody here? Please find your seating ♪ While you teething I'm sinking my teeth in ♪ First one to show So I can do all my greeting ♪ Profits, payrolls and pacifiers ♪ I make friends! I love you, you're hired! ♪ So come on And raise your juice boxes skyward! ♪ Boss babies until we retire! ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - I'm a legend, mythic ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Can a baby get a witness? ♪ Grab a high chair This the family business ♪ Boss Baby ♪ [Theodore laughs.]
You're so welcome.
While I'd love to stay here providing even more corporate baby heroics, I have a grown-up business world to dominate.
Aw! We understand you excel at other things as well.
[high-pitched.]
Thanks for saving Baby Corp again, Uncle Teddy.
We wish you were our dad instead of Tim.
[in normal voice.]
While that hurts my feelings, I can't disagree.
I'm Tim.
Accept this bottle of the super-concentrated special formula that temporarily made you a baby again.
And what's this? A live set from DJ Hissyfit? [beatboxing.]
I don't know if I'm selling the vibe, but Hissy can spin a set.
Could you stop talking to my baby? She's the only one around who can appreciate the story! [cell phone ringing.]
- On my way back to the office.
- [man.]
Mr.
Templeton? Who's calling? Why do you have this number? Agent Brown, FBI.
We'd like you to turn yourself in quietly.
Is this Enrique? Rique! We doing the turtle races? - [line ringing.]
- Reek, that's my assistant.
Jaron, I'm walking back [Jaron.]
I have a wife and five children under the age of 6.
And I respect your weird choices.
You'll tell the FBI I had nothing to do with whatever you did, right? What? I didn't do Embezzlement, sir! How do I look in the eyes of my sweet Katelyn and Brynlee and Taysom and Taycee and Jaxton and Braxton I didn't steal anything! We will figure this out.
Put me on a call with the executive board - [line rings.]
- Scratch that.
Talk to me, Bradley.
[Bradley.]
Theo, my queso grande.
You're on speaker with the full exec board.
- [Nicole.]
Hi, Theo.
- [man 1.]
Yo, Theo-doughnut.
Why am I getting calls from the FBI about [whispers.]
embezzling? [Bradley.]
Whoa, let's not throw out words like "embezzle," bro-bro.
All we did was take company money to buy stuff we wanted.
- That's what embezzling is! - [Nicole.]
I bought a speedboat.
[Bradley.]
You did! Get you some.
Stay there.
I'm on my way back.
- We are not done talking.
- [line rings.]
- Hello? - Agent Brown, FBI.
Following up on my call.
Where are we on surrendering without incident? Yes.
What? No.
I am sorting this out.
Give me a few weeks to sift through the paper trail Sir, we're the FBI.
We already followed the paper trail, to you.
- [horn honks.]
- [gasping.]
Can I put you on hold? Legally, no.
What did you crooks do?! [Bradley.]
Straight-up truth? None of us was cool about going to jail.
The exec board took a vote and decided to frame you.
- That's not something you vote on! - [Vanessa.]
Thank you for going to prison.
You're the best.
[Bradley.]
This is a real solid you're doing us.
[groans.]
Brown, I need you to listen.
[woman.]
Agent Brown is with the SWAT team.
This is Agent Brown.
I'm sorry, you're Agent Brown #2? The FBI doesn't care for excrement humor, Mr.
Templeton.
It wasn't a poop joke.
Wait, he's with what SWAT team? [gasps.]
[sirens wailing.]
[indistinct radio chatter.]
[helicopter whirring.]
[gasps.]
[groans.]
[cell phone ringing.]
[groans.]
What, Jaron? [Jaron.]
Mr.
Templeton? I wanna tell you before you go to prison because I'm not comfortable visiting you: You've been a good boss.
Give yourself up.
There's no place that the government won't find you.
They're the dang FBI! [sighs.]
I'm sorry for saying "dang.
" Sir, are you still there? Sir? [doorbell rings.]
[Boss Baby.]
Hey, kiddo.
I need a place to crash until the statute of limitations runs out.
Dad! That was such a good story.
Yes, the important thing is that you, Tina, were entertained.
So I can stay here? Uh Dad, we have to.
No, yeah, yes, no Yes, yeah, family.
Yes, of course, uh, just You're innocent, right? Yes! Come on, man, the clock is ticking.
I had one dose of super-concentrated special formula.
That's 48 hours of baby me.
I need three to five years hiding like this before I can go back to my old life.
[winces.]
Ooh.
Three to five years, huh? - Why did you say it like that? - Nothing.
Go on.
They will put grown-up me in prison, Tim.
I need a safe house.
With people I trust.
Who can hook me up with a job at Baby Corp for a steady supply of special formula.
That is a description of me.
There's no place else I can go.
Let me talk with Carol.
- Yay! - [Tabitha.]
Yes! I can take your Demolishing My Enemies lessons in person instead of on video.
What? You have enemies? Not for long.
Oh, Mom is gonna freak out.
If her brain doesn't [mimics explosion.]
the second she sees Uncle Teddy as a talking baby.
How about you work out the Baby Corp situation? I'll figure out how to break this to Mommy [Carol.]
What are we breaking to me? Who's the kid in the suit? [tropical music playing.]
What you're about to hear was never meant for the grown-up mind.
We have to do this slowly and gently, or your brain could snap like a piece of uncooked spaghetti.
[chuckles.]
Is this a funny prank, or should I be worried about what's broken? Where's Tina? - Standing by in case of emergency.
- What? Have I shown you my brother's baby pictures? - Whoa.
Ted has a kid? - [Boss Baby clears throat.]
I - [babbles.]
- Increase neck-massage velocity! [sighs.]
- [Carol.]
What's going on? - [clears throat.]
I used to work for a secret Whale sounds! - [whales singing on phone.]
- [sighs.]
I like whales.
[snaps fingers.]
I used to work for a secret baby-led corporation - Tabitha, I need more whale song! - We're already at max.
Her body's rejecting the relaxation! She's a sunk cost.
Let's take the kids and flee.
What? No! Emergency reserve.
- Full snuggly baby! - [giggling.]
- [siren wailing.]
- [squeals.]
[Tina babbling, giggling.]
- Aw.
- It's too much! - We have to abort.
- No! Whatever is happening, just do it.
Do it! - I - [babbling.]
used to work for a secret baby-led corporation.
If you'd let me talk for five minutes, I could explain everything.
You've got five minutes.
[Tim & Tabitha sigh.]
- And I talk too! - No! [screams.]
[Boss Baby.]
Tell everyone I'm a foreign-exchange baby, a street urchin.
Bottom line, I'm either a baby here or an adult in jail.
Thanks, I'm good on the chamomile.
So, what do you think? You know he's guilty, right? Why do people assume that? It won't cost us anything.
Uncle Ted's rich.
Uh the government's probably seized my assets, which I couldn't get to anyway because, uh, brrp.
So we're also paying for another baby? Or do you still eat adult food, like just gumming away at a pork loin? Nah.
Baby instincts kick in once you take the formula.
Yo, Tina.
Wing me that A-sauce? You got it, my man.
Lots to talk about.
Why don't you and your brother-uncle That's weird.
Why don't you hit up Baby Corp? None of this matters if we can't get him a job with formula benefits.
Sounds like a plan.
Bye-bye, Mommy.
Oh, yeah, and they teleport.
[workers murmuring excitedly.]
- [worker.]
Legend in the flesh.
- I'm back? - [workers cheering.]
- [worker.]
It's him.
The Boss Baby! [upbeat rock music playing.]
[worker.]
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna find the CEO.
You good? - Boss, you came back! - Oh! [chuckles.]
Amal! There's a familiar face.
I barely recognize anybody here.
Yeah, had a few transfers to other branches, some babies decided to follow you and grow up.
Company's changed a lot.
I wear a hat now.
Mm, mm-mm.
[sighs.]
Yeah.
Yo! Yo, yo, yo! Who is in my office? What? Y'all, it's the Boss Baby.
The Boss Baby! Gotta be the new head honcho, right, Tina? Nannycam No-Filter CEO Baby.
Sponsored by Buttsnuggers Diapers.
Buttsnuggers.
Protecting the bottom line.
Wow! Legend in the flesh.
Heads-up, I was playing with a urinal cake I thought was candy - and didn't get a chance to wash my hands.
- [groans.]
Our curiosity is nothing to be ashamed of.
[workers cheer.]
So, what's up? You're back.
I'm having trouble focusing.
Nice tie.
Cute chin.
There's your face.
No secrets here.
What's up? I have an offer I think could be a win for both of us.
[alarm blaring.]
Put a pacifier in that.
Amal? Share with us.
- We've got a Cheek Pincher at the library.
- Class and strength? [Amal.]
Looks like a Meemaw-class, lone wolf.
She's making those babies raise a big ruckus.
Lucky timing.
I've got a proposal that could help I got it covered like a Buttsnuggers Diaper.
Get snugged! We've been developing technology to handle this exact situation.
[alarm stops.]
Ignore button.
See how fast it turned off? Hoo! Well done, Simmons.
What about the Cheek Pincher? That's a whole library of fussing babies.
Do we not still keep babies number one in the world's love? Yeah, we do.
Baby Love's trending higher than ever.
Look at the charts.
Lookit! Lookit! - Whoa.
How? - Five Percenters, my man.
There's a baby that falls asleep every time she eats.
Every time.
Show him, Aliyah.
[babbling.]
[Boss Baby.]
That's adorable.
Can't teach that.
[Nannycam.]
And we found this baby.
Fights himself in the mirror, always loses.
So cute.
We got a kid who only leaves the house in costume.
A baby girl with a 30-second yawn.
Thirty seconds.
Love that.
Yeah, so does everybody.
So why waste time trying to get a teeny tiny love boost for every basic baby in the library? You leave them making an annoying spectacle? They've got mommies, daddies Somebody's gonna take care of them.
One day it hit me: Only focus on maximizing love for the top 5% of super-cute babies, and you get [babbles triumphantly.]
All that Baby Love just from sleepy-eater and costume-kid types? Among others Tell him about the UBO! Had a lucky day down in the baby factory.
Some fluke in the mix of sugar and spice.
Who knows? But down the line came one impossibly, unrepeatably, perfectly cute baby girl.
UltraBaby Omega.
[Nannycam.]
Take a looky-loo.
Oh! [laughing.]
We keep her here at HQ for protection, cameras running 24/7, in case we need that nuclear-level adorability.
- Ah! - Gotta cut you off.
UBO exposure longer than eight seconds is actually so cute it's painful.
I haven't been able to blink right since.
Can you imagine the work I could do with a baby like that? I'm sure you could, legend.
This UBO's for top-level employees only.
You're not even an employee.
Hey, about that.
Long story, but I need a job with a steady supply of special formula so I can stay a baby and hide my identity from the FBI.
No.
Never hide who you are.
Like me.
A curious baby who sometimes plays with urinal cakes.
Be yourself, because you are magical! [workers cheering.]
- Let me try talking to her.
- No, this is on me.
You don't stroll in and ask for a job like some son of a Southern senator.
I have to show Nannycam No-Filter CEO Baby what I can bring.
I'm gonna fix that Cheek Pincher problem, give this company a bump in Baby Love, and get rehired so I don't go to prison.
Yeah! Snatch that job! I will! Right from the hands of whatever leaky diaper is botching my old job as VP of Field Operations.
It's me.
Congratulations! I'll take a different job.
Whoo! Mission time! - Who you got on the team? - [upbeat dance music playing.]
[Tina.]
JJ.
The personal assistant.
Pip.
The loose cannon.
Dez.
The master of disguise.
Wait.
He's a filing cabinet? - [Dez.]
Yes, sir.
- No, Dez.
[Dez.]
I am a filing cabinet.
I hold folders.
We've been over this.
- You're still a baby, just in disguise.
- [Dez.]
A filing cabinet.
He gets deep into character.
- [Dez.]
Honored to serve with you, sir.
- [JJ.]
Juice box? Sprinkles? Sock full of nickels? Staci? [squeals.]
You know my mom? Legacy hire, but she's really good.
I don't know right from wrong.
- This one's my favorite.
- [JJ whimpers.]
You're all my favorite.
- [Pip & JJ cheer.]
- [Dez.]
Thank you, ma'am.
- [Cheek Pincher.]
Coochy-coochy! - [baby fussing.]
- [man 1.]
This is a library! - [man 2.]
Shh! - Oh! - There's your target.
Bony-fingered and pitiless, treating baby cheeks like her own sheet of Bubble Wrap.
Field team, Boss Baby's counting on us.
Let's show that Pincher how Baby Corp takes care of [Cheek Pincher.]
Coochy-coochy! Coochy-coochy! [groans.]
[Dez.]
I am a filing cabinet.
[Cheek Pincher.]
Coochy-coochy-coo! Okay, new tactic.
This time [screams.]
[Cheek Pincher.]
You are just cherubs from heaven.
I'm on a "go to jail" deadline.
- You got this? - Absolu [babies crying.]
Hey, we are good at our regular field job.
This is us doing you a favor on zero notice.
But we got her where we want her.
Give us 20, 25 more tries, and I am confident Why don't you carry on here, and I'm just gonna work on alternative ideas.
I I guess he could stay in the attic.
I could clear some space, convert it into an adult nursery? - Am I winning? - [Carol.]
This is so weird.
- [Tim.]
I know it's weird - It won't matter if I can't get that job.
What's the problem? Can I help? It's who's the problem.
And I have no idea.
I am taking lessons in demolishing enemies.
[laughs.]
Darn right, you are.
All right, so I need that job, but now I have to take down another employee.
It's okay because the employee is struggling and could use this as a learning experience, and I can smooth things over by buying them a present or something probably.
That's confusing, but also, I'm very excited.
So you want them fired? No, no, no, just demoted so I can take their job and save my butt.
Hmm.
Okay, what's the most likely thing to get this person in trouble with their boss? Templeton, I believe you just solved several of my problems.
How are you at hacking into camera systems? - Was the system designed by babies? - It was.
I like my odds.
- Coochy-coochy! - He He's not really a people baby.
Can't take the pinches [breathing raggedly.]
If I don't make it, I have to tell you your 3:00 moved to 3:30.
[rasping.]
Shh.
I know.
I know, brave JJ.
You get any good alternative ideas? [gasps.]
When did you take my monitor? Just keep the perimeter clear and watch the fireworks.
I will watch anything with the word "fire" in it.
[laughs.]
I love this kid.
Oh, coochy-coochy! Coochy-coochy! Ohh! [babbling.]
Oh, well, hello there, sweetheart.
Oh, let me see those apple dumplings.
[laughs.]
- [babbling.]
- Coochy-coochy! Ohh.
Coochy-coochy.
Ohh.
Coochy-coochy.
Ohh! Hello? - [gasps.]
Oh, my - [UBO babbling on monitor.]
[gasps.]
Is that? UltraBaby Omega.
- How did you get access to? - Avert your gaze.
I hear bad things happen after eight seconds.
I just wanna pinch those chee [screams.]
It's so cute it's painful! [screaming.]
- [babies giggling, babbling.]
- Those are much nicer noises.
A small but measurable uptick in Baby Love.
I'd say I just earned myself a job.
Aw, congratulations! Okay, seriously, how did you convince Nannycam to let you access the UBO? Uh, maybe later.
Okay, but seriously, I help you win the battle, and I don't get the gory details? Uh, maybe later.
I'm positive it worked.
Should be taking my old job back any minute.
Oh.
And I may need to hit you up for apology gift ideas for Ti nagers.
Then I just age it down.
Bam.
Baby office gift.
Sure.
Now we just have to convince Mom and Dad to let you stay.
[Tina.]
You have to let him stay.
Look at what he did.
You see how happy those kids are, how relieved those parents are? That was what it was like.
He's everything the legends say he was.
Unorthodox, sometimes trouble, but he makes the world better for babies, better for families.
You can trust him to do the right thing.
[yelps.]
Yep.
That's me.
[suspenseful music playing.]
He can stay.
- Thanks, Mommy! - All right! Aht-tuh-tuh-tuh.
With a few conditions.
Nothing is more important to me than my girls.
Of course.
They've been here longer.
Um, sorry, continue.
I want them to have as normal a childhood as possible under these insane circumstances.
So number one: If we do this, you are our baby.
- Our house, our rules.
- Fair.
Two: Diapers.
- I change my own.
- Oh, thank goodness.
Three: Anything happens to my girls on one of your missions, I get to sell you to a ballet school where decades of punishing workouts will mold you into a dance icon but at the cost of your body, privacy and soul.
That is a weirdly specific threat.
I'm thorough.
Four: Tina, baby, please never talk to me in grown-up words again, because it really freaks Mommy out.
- You got it.
- What did Mommy just say? - [giggles.]
- That's my girl.
Welcome to the family.
You should thank Tina for that.
[monitor chiming.]
What's up, chief? This is the face I make when I find out someone hacked into the UBO camera feed.
It's very frowny.
What? Miss Nannycam No-Filter CEO Baby Sponsored by Buttsnuggers Diapers.
Turns ones and twos into zeroes.
- I would never - It was me.
The hack was all me.
I just used Tina's monitor.
She deserves credit for dispatching the Cheek Pincher.
That was her mission, start to finish.
My office.
[sighs.]
And there go my hopes of a Baby Corp job.
Sorry about trying to frame you for the UBO hack.
Boy, in hindsight that is a really easy crime to do.
This is why everyone assumes you're guilty.
Yeah, I get that now.
But I guess you can be trusted to do the right thing eventually.
I promise to write you in prison after you run out of formula, grow up and get arrested for crimes you didn't commit.
Thanks, kid.
I am disappointed.
I'm disappointed in myself, but again, the successful library mission? - All Tina.
- I know.
After I told you we don't waste company time and resources on non-Five-Percenter babies.
- But Baby Love went up.
- [Nannycam.]
Barely.
You want the big job, you gotta think big.
Like this guy.
Legend.
Hacking into the UBO feed? So brassy! You got the job.
- Full special-formula benefits.
- Wha? Thank you, but what job? Co-VP of Field Operations.
With Tina.
Congratulations, you're working together! - What? - Family.
Make time for what matters.
- [Tina fussing.]
- Tina, sweetie, come on.
It's nummy.
Nummy-nums.
Ahh, open up.
Ahh I'm so jealous.
You guys are gonna have a blast on Baby Corp missions.
Yeah, we get to bond with each other.
I can use everything he's taught me to crush him with the force of a snapping turtle's jaw if he tries to sabotage my sister.
- Um, what? - He knows.
Fine! You can talk to me! Yay! I want spaghetti.
[theme music playing.]
- Boss Baby ♪ - Baby ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Baby ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Baby ♪ - Boss Baby ♪ - Tell 'em who this is ♪ Boss Baby I'm a legend, mythic ♪ Y'all heard the story But you know what the twist is? ♪ Welcome to the family business ♪ Boss Baby ♪