The Casual Vacancy (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 SHEEP BLEA WATER PATTERS BIRDSONG HE PANTS DOOR CREAKS WHIRRING ~ CHURCH BELL CHIMES ~ WOMAN: Oh, isn't it beautiful? You feel better just looking at it.
~ Howard! ~ Hmm.
~ We've got to show it to them.
It's irregular, hasn't been tabled.
~ Oh "Other business".
~ Yeah.
And it's chairman's prerogative.
You can't let Barry Fairbrother and his tribe of do-gooders stand in the way of progress.
~ Those junkies and plebs streaming through our village.
~ Hmm.
~ Oh! ~ We must raise the drawbridge and lower the portcullis.
~ Exactly.
They'll just have to accept that Sweetlove House has had its day.
~ Hmm.
That'll get their goats.
~ SHE LAUGHS ~ Their goats will truly be got.
~ SHE LAUGHS Yeah.
Oh, this'll really put Pagford on the map.
That's good, I'll remember that.
TOOTHBRUSH BUZZES HE SIGHS HE SIGHS RINGTONE PLAYS Barry Fairbrother.
CHURCH BELLS PEAL BIRDSONG HE SIGHS AND MUTTERS ~ Oh, hi, Barry.
~ It's Sunday! ~ I know.
~ Go home.
Uh-huh.
I've got a rather a lot to do.
~ You see ~ It's all going to be fine.
Go home, Miles.
We'll sort it out tomorrow.
Selling herself again! As if anyone's going to pick THAT up and going to pay for it.
POLICEMAN LAUGHS 20p tops and that's charity.
She can hear you, you know? Do you want me to take your telephone number off her record? No, keep it on.
You charging her? Like I want the paperwork.
Come on, Terri! Your knight in shining armour awaits.
KEYS JANGLE The pleasure's all mine.
It's not like the old days.
How's your mum? Is she all right, is she? She died 15 years ago, you came to the funeral.
Right.
Oh, that's a shame that.
That's a real shame.
Yeah, she was such a nice lady.
You know, so kind and do anything for anyone.
You take after her.
I'm not giving you any money, Terri.
I just need to get some stuff in for the house, you know? Like some food, cos I got nothing in.
If you need groceries, I'll get some.
I'll even buy your fags, but I am not giving you any money.
Why not? You know why not.
SHE SIGHS SHE SOBS ~ You know ~ SHE SOBS You know, actually you're not nice and you're not kind! ~ You're just a ~ I'm a wanker, I know.
You've told me before, many times.
You know, if I die you know it's going to be your fault! You know? ~ Stick with it, Terri.
~ Oh, fuck off! ~ Stick with it.
~ Fuck off! DOOR SLAMS TERRI MUTTERS TO HERSELF MAN SPITS ENGINE STARTS HORN MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS ~ CHATTER ~ I'm so sorry.
Now, if I might continue? Yeah, sorry.
Character references, plus a reference of the applicant's bank.
And we should interview them, if they're outsiders, ~ make sure they're Pagford people.
~ For an allotment? Remember the tomato blight dispute of '97? ~ Do you remember that? ~ Yes, I do.
~ Carnage! ~ Every caution must be taken.
We should waterboard them, just to be on the safe side.
~ Guardian reader.
~ Can we have a show of hands, please, for the allotments? Motion carried.
Good.
Good.
Now any other business? Sweetlove House.
You've been asked to table a proper discussion for ages.
The vote's in a month and now you spring it under "any other business"? Chairman's prerogative.
~ We just thought it would be useful to air some thoughts.
Hmm? ~ Hmm.
Democracy in action.
~ If you please, Shirley.
~ Oh.
HOWARD CLEARS HIS THROA As Dr Jawanda has reminded us, 'tis a mere matter of weeks before the parish council will vote on Sweetlove House.
Is it still fulfilling its remit of being for the enjoyment and betterment of the people of The Fields, or does it have another future? WOMAN: Oh, a boutique hotel and spa! ~ Oh! ~ If we felt that the House has had its day, then the developers have done a little mock-up of what it could be like.
~ HOWARD LAUGHS ~ WOMAN: Oh! ~ Ta-da! ~ Oh, Shirley! ~ Isn't it beautiful? Oh, that's lovely! LAUGHTER ~ You feel better just looking at it.
~ It's divine! ~ So they've been consulted already? ~ Well, nothing's set in stone, but this would really put Pagford on the map.
What would happen to the food bank, the clinics, the counselling, all the services, where would they go? The food bank could be somewhere nearer those who need it.
Perhaps it could be in some sort of van.
~ A food bank on wheels.
~ HOWARD LAUGHS Then it could go straight to the estate.
What about my methadone clinics? The town has exactly the same services.
You have to catch a bus into Yarvil, an expensive bus with an unreliable timetable.
Recovery is a very fragile process.
Oh, they'd get that bus if there was heroin at the end of it.
They'd crawl on their knees over broken glass if there was drugs to be had.
Perhaps we could have a show of hands, see which way the wind is blowing.
~ Erm ~ We're running low on time, Barry.
"Restore, rejuvenate, revive.
"Immerse yourself in wellness.
" Lovely photos.
Look at their lovely teeth.
Lovely hair.
Lovely Pagford people.
They'll pay a lot of money to be "immersed in wellness".
And this this'll make Lord and Lady Sweetlove a few quid, no doubt.
That's not what Sweetlove House is for.
If we vote for this, then what we're really doing is removing any reason for the people of Fields to come into Pagford cos they've got problems.
So many problems.
Yeah, keep 'em on the estate, away from us.
Cos they're not picturesque, are they? They don't they don't look like that, do they? ~ Haven't got a pot to piss in, most of them.
~ Language! That's erm that's social engineering.
~ That's apartheid.
~ Yeah.
You hang on a minute, would you? Herding people into ghettos because they don't fit the aesthetic.
There's a name for that, isn't there? ~ Bill.
Bill, you stormed the Normandy beaches, didn't you? ~ Yes.
~ Fighting fascism? ~ Yes.
~ Now, look what's happening here.
~ How dare you! No, how dare you, Howard! "Immerse yourself in wellness"?! That house helps people to live, for Christ's-bloody-sake! ~ WOMAN GASPS ~ Language! This is a Church, remember? It's disgraceful! Oh, you find language disgraceful but not this? Well, I The parish council's not here to make a quick buck for somebody who already has more than enough.
We are the guardians of something unique.
We are the custodians and the stewards of a shining principle.
We do not turn our backs and look away from people in need.
Our vote is in response to a simple question enshrined in law.
In law.
Is the legacy still of benefit? Yes.
It has never been so important.
Never! When we vote, we must vote to protect it.
It's that simple.
You can have your show of hands now, Howard.
HOWARD LAUGHS WOMAN: Excellent, Barry.
Excellent! Yeah.
Who says there isn't passion in politics, eh? Thank you, Barry.
Yeah.
Right, those in favour? And those against? MUTTERING ~ One vote out.
~ MUTTERING Close.
MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR RADIO DJ: 'Going to take you back to 1981 now.
'Kim Wilde.
' MUSIC PLAYS CHOIR SINGS It's going to get dirty.
I like a fight, me.
~ You were brilliant.
~ I might have gone a bit far.
And, Tess, you can't keep being late.
So late! How does it look? I'm sorry, I took my watch off, cos it pinches, and forgot.
Well, get a longer strap, for heaven's sake! ~ How's tricks, Sukhvinder? ~ Oh, she can't hear you, she's got her music on.
Honestly, if I didn't drag her out with me, she'd just mope in her room.
I literally drag her or she'd just sit inside all day.
Come on! Take those bloody headphones off! Sukhvinder! She doesn't mean to be sharp, you know? ~ I was very late.
Are you all right? ~ Have you got revision? Are you all right? You don't look very well.
HE SIGHS Had a few beers last night, now I've got a thumping hangover.
~ Can't take the pace.
~ I know.
Three sips of Cava, I think I can twerk, four sips, I'm passed out, dribbling on the carpet.
I used to be fun.
Hey, you are fun.
SHE LAUGHS ~ Barry? ~ MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO DJ: 'Yes, it Garble FM.
You are listening to the '80s Hour.
' MUSIC: The Whole Of The Moon by The Waterboys Hmm.
SHE SIGHS Hmm.
'Hi, this is Barry Fairbrother.
So, please, leave a message.
' BEEPING CLATTERING It's only Uncle Barry.
It's not him.
Sit down.
Just be normal.
~ All right, lads? Are you done? ~ Hi.
~ When did you get here? ~ Woke up early.
I hate to tell you this, but your your wheel's buckled.
Yeah, that was me.
Oh! ~ And where's your bike? ~ Got stolen.
Oh, shit! Oops! I didn't say that.
~ You can't ride a girl's bike, Paul.
~ Well, Dad Dad said it was just short-term.
He's sorting out another one.
Poor old Phineus always gets the cock.
I did not say that either.
BOY LAUGHS Bad uncle.
BIRDSONG Oh, should I have worn a hat? You look better with a hat.
Bloody hell! If it was just the worthy doctor, no-one would care.
Yes, well, she's not popular.
It's him, he believes in things.
Oh, well, we all believe in things.
We all have to put back in.
I mean, Aubrey gives tirelessly.
Gives, gives, gives.
And I do fun runs.
Well, not personally, but I know people who do.
What a lovely place.
All you ever hear is people moaning about jobs - "No jobs, need jobs" - well, there's jobs in a hotel.
I know someone whose niece does nail art and eyebrows in a spa, but I suppose not everyone wants to work.
Hit the nail there, right on the head.
The curse of having some do-gooding bloody ancestor! That legacy is a millstone.
He never he never thought about the Sweetloves who inherited.
Do you have any idea how expensive it is to heat this place? Julia and I have to live on scraps.
~ Well, that's ghastly.
~ Bloody selfish! But you can be very clever with leftovers.
I have some recipes - ever so tasty.
~ Hmm.
My Shirley's casserole, you'll weep with joy.
~ Oh! ~ LAUGHTER ~ Oh, Howard! Come on, dear, cut through.
Come on, Mollison, use your influence, man.
Flex the parochial muscle.
HOWARD AND SHIRLEY LAUGH ~ Thank you.
~ Bring me good news next time.
~ I will.
Yes, thank you.
In fact, no need to come out, you must be so busy, so just an e-mail to the housekeeper will suffice.
I think the car's this way, wasn't it? Oh, perhaps not.
This way.
Mind that.
What a charming couple though.
You you fancy a summer job? Yeah.
Doing what? Sprucing this place up a bit, the whole thing, inside and out.
It might not be here.
Might all be flats or something.
Over my dead body, Andrew.
~ What do you think? ~ Yeah, great.
You You and Paul all right? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
That's all right, then.
No, we'll have a blast this summer, me and me homies.
Fo' shizzle.
That's woeful.
~ See you later.
~ Yeah, see you later.
~ Thanks, Uncle Barry! ~ No worries! Oh, no! Dearie me.
What happened here, then? ~ Huh? ~ He did it.
It was an accident, it was.
Right, right.
Well, if it was an accident.
Right.
Well, ask me, Paul.
Can I have my bike back, please, Dad? You may have your bike back when you stop being a little girl.
Till then, this is what you ride everywhere.
So everyone can see, so everyone knows.
Huh? Clumsy prick.
What are you? I'm a clumsy prick.
Huh.
How many times did I call you? I'm so sorry.
I had my phone on silent.
~ I put a balloon in the fridge.
~ Oh, no! That took some doing.
It had a mind of its own.
~ I'm such a crap husband.
~ Yes, but it's all right because I'm excellent.
I'll get a shirt out for you.
HE SIGHS Well, it's probably a choice between the foie gras or the mini chorizo.
Oh, God! Barry.
Mum's livid with him.
Is she? I'll buy him a drink.
Fuck it, I'll buy him his dinner.
~ Hmm.
~ Three courses and cheese.
Might even give him a handjob.
Mary, I want to give the boys a key to the house.
~ Why? ~ So they can come if they want to.
There's something going on.
I've heard you asking if they're all right in that meaningful way ~ and they always tell you that they are.
~ Well, they're not.
~ They're too quiet.
~ They're moody teenagers! They're at the age where they just grunt.
Well, I'm ~ I'm giving them a key.
~ Give them a key, then.
~ MUFFLED ~ Why are you even asking me? Give Terri Weedon a key.
Why do we even have a lock? Let them all sodding move in! Always trying to be the hero! Always trying to Barry? Help me! Barry! ~ Somebody help me! ~ What's wrong? ~ Barry! Oh, God! Barry! ~ What have you done? Oh! ~ MARY SOBS Barry?! PHONE BUZZES MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY HE GROANS TV: "Hi, boys, this is Candice, and I'm your option number two.
" HE SIGHS What? Yeah, this is my brother.
My half-brother.
Same mum, different dads.
She weren't a slag, mind.
But, yeah, this is him.
We did everything we could.
I'm so very sorry.
Don't be.
We never really got on.
Did we? Huh? Good luck, yeah? I'll be outside the gates.
Give us a kiss.
~ Mother! Shaming me.
~ GIRL SUCKS HER TEETH Gaia, don't suck your teeth, yeah? Thanks! Love you, too! BOY: Oi, look, it's the deputy head.
CHEERING Oh, God! Look! Look at them.
~ Ignore them, Colin.
~ I've got no authority left.
You do, natural authority.
You're completely fine.
They're probably doing wanker at me.
Just breathe, think about something nice.
~ Let me out.
~ Stuart! ~ Let me out here.
~ That's so dangerous! MAN SIGHS Deal with your son! BOY WHISTLES ~ All right? ~ Fats.
This is different.
Been a while since we were invited.
Where's he going? Probably to the loo? ~ I'll make some tea.
~ I I don't want anything.
~ Oh, you must have something.
~ Why? TV: 'There are striking similarities 'between Landseer and Fitzgerald's depictions 'of the transformed Bottom.
' TV COMMENTARY CONTINUES SOFTLY How much did this set him back? This the sort you can get Internet on? I'd like it if you both left.
Yeah, of course.
I've got to ring the school and get the boys home anyway, so ~ Simon? ~ Huh? It's the shock.
Call me if you need anything.
~ Ruth! Come on, Ruth.
~ I'm so sorry.
~ I ain't got all day.
How has he got a telly like that, huh? Remember to breathe, be confident! This is your final exam THEY CHATTER So, only a few more hours to go Oh, that is disgusting.
I know.
Degrading for the lady, who looks like someone's mum Thankfully not mine, or yours.
Degrading for me cos I've watched it about 30 times.
Fats, you need a therapist.
I need sex, Arf.
Actual, real, proper sex.
.
.
you're going to me proud, most importantly, you are going to do yourselves proud.
CHEERING AND UPROAR Krystal? Krystal! Where is your uniform? Up my minge.
UPROAR Calm down.
Krystal? Calm down, please.
What have I just been saying? Sir, can I go toilet? I'm bursting.
In a minute.
Need to crack one out before this exam.
I can't keep wanking like this.
The muscles in my forearm have gone deformed.
Feel! ~ You're a mutant.
~ I know.
Oh, shit.
No, what does he want? The epic bell end.
He's crying! Sir, are you crying? Get out, you bloody girl, get out! Mr Meacher, get that girl out! Fuck off, you crying twat.
UPROAR Krystal, come on, out.
~ Andrew? ~ I didn't do anything.
Andrew Price.
Yeah.
Andrew, can you come down, please? BELL RINGS Your husband's a dickhead! I feel heart sorry for you, Miss Wall, I do, right, cos you married a proper nob! He talks to me like that again, I'll belt him, give him something to cry about, the spunk-bubble dick! I bet he ain't even got a dick, crying like a girl.
Ain't my fault he's a twat! ~ Don't shout at me, please.
~ Ain't fuckin' shouting at you! ~ And, please, don't swear.
~ Ain't fuckin' swearin'! Ain't fair.
Everyone was laughing, so it ain't fair that he picks on me.
Krystal, a friend of ours died last night.
Mr Wall is very upset.
People die all the time.
So what? It was Andrew's uncle.
What? Mr Fairbrother? Oh, Krystal, I'm so sorry.
I didn't think, I'm so sorry.
I forgot.
Oh, I am so sorry, Krystal.
More to do with Mum than me.
I am just I am just in a state myself Are we havin' my session or what? Cos that's the reason I come in For the poxy maths and my session, so we doin' it, or what? Yes, Krystal, we're doing your session.
Just give me a moment.
Christ, this hurts.
Who's swearing now? If we're being specific, I'm not swearing, I'm blaspheming.
Same difference.
POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYS CHILDREN'S MUFFLED SHOUTS TINKLE AMPLIFIED BUZZING AMPLIFIED DISTANT: I got a cake for us, as it's our last chat together.
Set you up for your exam.
BOILING AMPLIFIED Changed my mind, can't be arsed.
All this talking shit is bollocks anyway.
I'm glad it's over.
I'll have the cake.
Krystal? SHE EXHALES SLOWLY Turn your papers over .
.
and, using a black pen, write your surname and your other names at the top of the paper.
Oh, no.
These kids Go away, will you? Field kids, little sods.
Just go away.
Get out of here.
I'll get our parents to come in.
~ It's the parents I blame - junkies.
~ Fat twat.
"Fat twat"? You call me fat, look at yourself.
This is what I'm trying to save us from.
The ruination of Pagford, Mo, in a nutshell.
He's dead! ~ Who? ~ What? What shall we do without him, huh? Oh, sad day, Sam.
Danish? Doughnut? No, you are all right, Howard.
It's unbelievable.
I can't believe it! So full of life and, you know Miles, your father is heading straight for you and I know exactly what he wants ~ OK.
~ And I'm warning you, don't you bloody dare say yes.
Do you hear me? Don't you dare.
Sad day, sad day Grow a pair for once in your life! Oh, Miles, dear boy.
Sad day, terrible day.
I'm ever so busy, Dad.
You got to eat, Miles.
Mummy's putting something on the website, condolences, you know.
~ Well, that's erm ~ 40?! ~ .
.
that's good.
40?! That is tragic.
It's tragic.
Poor Mary.
Your heart bleeds, you know.
Yes.
But life goes on, life must go on, and we have a situation.
Do we? WOMEN CHATTER IN BACKROUND We have a casual vacancy.
A councillor is dead, right? The council is not quorate.
We must be quorate.
Now, you should stand.
I mean, man of your status.
What? My son, a Mollison.
The election's no problem, you know.
Shoo-in, you know.
All over, bar the shouting, eh? So you'll stand? But, Dad, I've got so much to do.
I have got all of Barry's clients, I've got my own, I have got Sam and the kids.
~ I wouldn't have the time, I can't ~ Oh, they're doing so well.
Apples of my eye, my granddaughters.
Fees through the roof, of course, that's crippling.
I mean, those fees! Ouch! HE CHUCKLES They're worth every penny.
Education.
Best start in life.
Only the very best for my granddaughters.
You know You don't have to do anything.
All you've got to do is raise your hand and vote.
You-you leave the rest to your old dad.
Good boy, you are a good boy, you always have been.
It's so dreadful to die in public like that.
Oh, isn't it awful? And I didn't think anyone would have had the time to phone you and that's so impersonal, isn't it? A phone call? Always better to get such appalling news in person.
Yes.
Well, I'll let you get on.
You've got a big queue outside.
Always so busy, rushing around.
Terri? Terri Weedon? SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR Hello? Terri Weedon? Hello? Hello? Hello? Terri? Terri.
I'm Kaye Bawden.
I'm your new social worker.
Let's get some light in here, shall we? Wha? CHILD MUTTERS OK Let's make a start, shall we? Here we go.
One arm.
~ No arms.
~ That one.
You are a good boy, aren't you, Robbie, eh? DOOR OPENS You must be Krystal.
Who the fuck are you? I'm Kaye.
I'm your new social worker.
Where's the other bitch? Signed off with stress? ~ It says that Robbie should be in reception class.
~ He is.
~ He's a bit old for nappies.
~ He don't need 'em.
~ OK.
He just needs to be reminded to go or he has an accident - ~ them at little school know that.
He don't need 'em - it's her.
~ Oh.
And your mum's on a programme? How's that working out? Oh, I think we can say with overwhelming confidence that it's working out very positively for the family unit.
All agencies are optimistic.
I will have to report this to my supervisor.
Go on, then, report it.
Door's that way.
Piss off.
I'll be in touch.
~ Bye.
~ Bye, Robbie.
Robbie.
Stay here.
One thing you had to do for me today, one simple thing, get him to school, and you couldn't even do that.
~ He'll get taken now.
~ Get off.
~ Pleased with yourself? ~ Cow! And I'll tell you something else Mr Fairbrother's dead.
Mm? How's that? It's not even going in, is it? You scabby, useless sack of shit.
You bitch! That nice, Rob? SCHOOL BELL RINGS Hey.
What you doing now, Gaia? I'm going home, Stuart.
I'm going to skin up.
Got to get myself in the right frame of mind for the parents.
It's good stuff.
Skunk.
I cordially invite you to join me in contemplation of the infinite.
Didn't your mate get some bad news today? Shouldn't you be checking he's all right? Yeah, I would, but we're not girls.
And it's Fats.
Those in my intimate circle call me Fats.
That's nice, Stuart.
WOMAN CHUCKLES ~ I've got to go back to the office.
~ OK.
~ Who's that? ~ White boy.
I hear that.
~ Was he clean? ~ He smelt of shampoo.
Was there food in the house? Yeah.
Was he hurt? No.
So, how does this qualify as an emergency? The mother was gouched out, insensible.
There was a dirty sharp within the boy's reach.
I mean, how he didn't get hold of it.
Her keeping custody is based on her getting clean.
~ Is it the worst house you've been in? ~ No.
And it's not the worst we've got, not by a long chalk.
I wouldn't send you to the worst we've got.
Robbie's attendance at school is pretty good.
He's improving.
I still think he should be removed.
We've got to lose another three million from our budget.
You know how much it costs to remove a child.
The daughter copes.
Robbie stays.
Not every case is Rosie Frankham.
Excuse me? Manage the situation.
I'm sorry, but I must get on.
Two minutes, yeah? CHILLED POP MUSIC PLAYS Just like that? In the road? Yeah.
HE CHUCKLES The fucking road.
One minute there and then oof.
HE CHUCKLES Just proves, you know that it's all sex and death.
I mean, it's all there is.
And music.
Yeah.
But mainly sex.
Cos, like, when it comes right death, your last thought is never, ever going to be, "I wish I had done less shagging.
" So Got to live, now.
Yeah got to live.
Why are you still here? Excellent.
I'll get the ball rolling.
~ You've got a real chance here, Colin.
~ A chance? What? I'll let him fill you in, but it's good news.
~ Fill me in on what? ~ Well, Parminder thinks I should stand for the parish council ~ for Barry's seat.
~ And you've agreed? It seems I have.
CHEERING Parminder, listen, Colin can't do this, he's not the right person.
He's perfect.
Gold standard.
Got the right reputation - managerial, responsible.
Look what he's done with this school, from special measures to outstanding.
Yes, but it's made him, well, listen You know he can get rather anxious? We're all bloody anxious, Tess! Howard's putting up his son.
That lump! They have to be stopped.
We have to stop them.
~ Yes, but Colin ~ Colin is a compelling candidate.
I'll call you tomorrow, we'll get the campaign going.
He's not even buried and you're jumping in his grave.
The parish shitting council?! Why can't you stand up for yourself? Miles? Tits! Miles! Be a man! Grab a handful! Go on! Come on them! MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS I'm going to watch the news.
MUFFLED SOUNDS NEXT DOOR Simon? Simon? What is this? This This is what I'm owed, what I'm due.
How much did it cost? We can't afford this This didn't come from no shop, no.
(I know people.
) ~ It's stolen? ~ Sticking it to the man.
But, Simon, we can't afford Stop your bleating, woman, huh? You, get a knife, open that box.
I'll get it.
Where do you think you are going? Huh? And did I say sit down? You didn't know what to do with us You couldn't figure out how to get through to us So you muted us, might as well have neutered us Threw us, trussed up, inside the cell of a nucleus You tried to take our freedom, that's nothing new to us We're used to cuffs, bruises and cuts MUSIC THROBS THROUGH THE WALL HE EXHALES Well, I can't back out now.
I mean, how would it look? What would everyone think? Oh, Colin I'm sure it'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
You'll be brilliant.
Well, you're always saying we should do more together as a couple.
Go us! Go us.
Go us.
Go us.
HE SNIFFS Can you smell something? I think I can smell cannabis.
If he's smoking pot I can't smell it.
I did get some different bleach for the loo, it's probably that.
~ You will help me, though, won't you? ~ Of course.
I mean, I think it's fitting, taking Barry's place.
Continuing with his work.
Night-night.
Night.
MUSIC THROBS Jesus.
Saint "Bloody" Barry.
HE CLICKS FINGERS I'm going to stand for election.
You are? Yeah.
Get on the council.
Be like falling off a log.
Sympathy vote.
Saint Barry's brother.
HE CHUCKLES They're all getting their palms greased - now they'll have to grease mine.
~ Huh? ~ HE CHUCKLES Councillor Simon Price.
HE CHUCKLES What, Pizza Face? Everyone knows you're not Barry.
Simon, please, he didn't mean it! Shall I squeeze that, then, for you, shall I? ANDREW GRUNTS Bloody hell, how much pus can one person have in their face? It's disgusting.
It's like you've got leprosy or something.
I try to do something nice I don't know why I bother.
HE SIGHS HE CLICKS FINGERS SHE SNORES LAUGHTER ~ Krys.
~ Obbo.
Them boxes in our place yours? Interim measure.
They won't be there long.
~ You paid my mum, yeah? ~ I helped her out.
It's not helping, though, is it? She asked me.
I can't say no.
Use someone else's house for your fucking TVs.
There's plenty of others using.
Leave her out of it.
ONLOOKERS CHUCKLE You know, if you didn't cake all that shit on your face, you'd be a pretty girl.
LAUGHTER Here, Krys, come on.
Don't be like that.
CHEERING MUSIC: The Riverboat Song by Ocean Colour Scene Tell me why does the river run red? Anyway for all the things you've seen Tell me when will the river run green? Police.
And anyway for all the things you know Tell me why does the river not flow? Oh What's happening? What is it? I can't run any more, I'm so sleepy.
Oh, no, please, I have to rest for just a minute.
Toto? Where's Toto? VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE TROLLEY RATTLES "Look at this.
I'm overwhelmed.
"All these kind words.
"They've made up for what has been a truly rubbish day, so thank you, "and there's to be an election to take my place.
"Now, come on, Pagford, "did you think I wouldn't have something to say about this? "Of course I do.
A little thing like death isn't going to hold me back.
"But what am I going to say and when am I going to say it? "You'll know, when I'm ready.
"It's impossible to keep secrets in this place, isn't it? "Oh, you'd surprised, Pagford.
Everyone's got skeletons "rattling in their cupboard.
Everyone's got something.
"I am the ghost of Barry Fairbrother ".
.
and I am watching you.
" Smiley with a wink! Tick-tock, tick-tock, clock's ticking, Pagford.
SPLA
~ Howard! ~ Hmm.
~ We've got to show it to them.
It's irregular, hasn't been tabled.
~ Oh "Other business".
~ Yeah.
And it's chairman's prerogative.
You can't let Barry Fairbrother and his tribe of do-gooders stand in the way of progress.
~ Those junkies and plebs streaming through our village.
~ Hmm.
~ Oh! ~ We must raise the drawbridge and lower the portcullis.
~ Exactly.
They'll just have to accept that Sweetlove House has had its day.
~ Hmm.
That'll get their goats.
~ SHE LAUGHS ~ Their goats will truly be got.
~ SHE LAUGHS Yeah.
Oh, this'll really put Pagford on the map.
That's good, I'll remember that.
TOOTHBRUSH BUZZES HE SIGHS HE SIGHS RINGTONE PLAYS Barry Fairbrother.
CHURCH BELLS PEAL BIRDSONG HE SIGHS AND MUTTERS ~ Oh, hi, Barry.
~ It's Sunday! ~ I know.
~ Go home.
Uh-huh.
I've got a rather a lot to do.
~ You see ~ It's all going to be fine.
Go home, Miles.
We'll sort it out tomorrow.
Selling herself again! As if anyone's going to pick THAT up and going to pay for it.
POLICEMAN LAUGHS 20p tops and that's charity.
She can hear you, you know? Do you want me to take your telephone number off her record? No, keep it on.
You charging her? Like I want the paperwork.
Come on, Terri! Your knight in shining armour awaits.
KEYS JANGLE The pleasure's all mine.
It's not like the old days.
How's your mum? Is she all right, is she? She died 15 years ago, you came to the funeral.
Right.
Oh, that's a shame that.
That's a real shame.
Yeah, she was such a nice lady.
You know, so kind and do anything for anyone.
You take after her.
I'm not giving you any money, Terri.
I just need to get some stuff in for the house, you know? Like some food, cos I got nothing in.
If you need groceries, I'll get some.
I'll even buy your fags, but I am not giving you any money.
Why not? You know why not.
SHE SIGHS SHE SOBS ~ You know ~ SHE SOBS You know, actually you're not nice and you're not kind! ~ You're just a ~ I'm a wanker, I know.
You've told me before, many times.
You know, if I die you know it's going to be your fault! You know? ~ Stick with it, Terri.
~ Oh, fuck off! ~ Stick with it.
~ Fuck off! DOOR SLAMS TERRI MUTTERS TO HERSELF MAN SPITS ENGINE STARTS HORN MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS ~ CHATTER ~ I'm so sorry.
Now, if I might continue? Yeah, sorry.
Character references, plus a reference of the applicant's bank.
And we should interview them, if they're outsiders, ~ make sure they're Pagford people.
~ For an allotment? Remember the tomato blight dispute of '97? ~ Do you remember that? ~ Yes, I do.
~ Carnage! ~ Every caution must be taken.
We should waterboard them, just to be on the safe side.
~ Guardian reader.
~ Can we have a show of hands, please, for the allotments? Motion carried.
Good.
Good.
Now any other business? Sweetlove House.
You've been asked to table a proper discussion for ages.
The vote's in a month and now you spring it under "any other business"? Chairman's prerogative.
~ We just thought it would be useful to air some thoughts.
Hmm? ~ Hmm.
Democracy in action.
~ If you please, Shirley.
~ Oh.
HOWARD CLEARS HIS THROA As Dr Jawanda has reminded us, 'tis a mere matter of weeks before the parish council will vote on Sweetlove House.
Is it still fulfilling its remit of being for the enjoyment and betterment of the people of The Fields, or does it have another future? WOMAN: Oh, a boutique hotel and spa! ~ Oh! ~ If we felt that the House has had its day, then the developers have done a little mock-up of what it could be like.
~ HOWARD LAUGHS ~ WOMAN: Oh! ~ Ta-da! ~ Oh, Shirley! ~ Isn't it beautiful? Oh, that's lovely! LAUGHTER ~ You feel better just looking at it.
~ It's divine! ~ So they've been consulted already? ~ Well, nothing's set in stone, but this would really put Pagford on the map.
What would happen to the food bank, the clinics, the counselling, all the services, where would they go? The food bank could be somewhere nearer those who need it.
Perhaps it could be in some sort of van.
~ A food bank on wheels.
~ HOWARD LAUGHS Then it could go straight to the estate.
What about my methadone clinics? The town has exactly the same services.
You have to catch a bus into Yarvil, an expensive bus with an unreliable timetable.
Recovery is a very fragile process.
Oh, they'd get that bus if there was heroin at the end of it.
They'd crawl on their knees over broken glass if there was drugs to be had.
Perhaps we could have a show of hands, see which way the wind is blowing.
~ Erm ~ We're running low on time, Barry.
"Restore, rejuvenate, revive.
"Immerse yourself in wellness.
" Lovely photos.
Look at their lovely teeth.
Lovely hair.
Lovely Pagford people.
They'll pay a lot of money to be "immersed in wellness".
And this this'll make Lord and Lady Sweetlove a few quid, no doubt.
That's not what Sweetlove House is for.
If we vote for this, then what we're really doing is removing any reason for the people of Fields to come into Pagford cos they've got problems.
So many problems.
Yeah, keep 'em on the estate, away from us.
Cos they're not picturesque, are they? They don't they don't look like that, do they? ~ Haven't got a pot to piss in, most of them.
~ Language! That's erm that's social engineering.
~ That's apartheid.
~ Yeah.
You hang on a minute, would you? Herding people into ghettos because they don't fit the aesthetic.
There's a name for that, isn't there? ~ Bill.
Bill, you stormed the Normandy beaches, didn't you? ~ Yes.
~ Fighting fascism? ~ Yes.
~ Now, look what's happening here.
~ How dare you! No, how dare you, Howard! "Immerse yourself in wellness"?! That house helps people to live, for Christ's-bloody-sake! ~ WOMAN GASPS ~ Language! This is a Church, remember? It's disgraceful! Oh, you find language disgraceful but not this? Well, I The parish council's not here to make a quick buck for somebody who already has more than enough.
We are the guardians of something unique.
We are the custodians and the stewards of a shining principle.
We do not turn our backs and look away from people in need.
Our vote is in response to a simple question enshrined in law.
In law.
Is the legacy still of benefit? Yes.
It has never been so important.
Never! When we vote, we must vote to protect it.
It's that simple.
You can have your show of hands now, Howard.
HOWARD LAUGHS WOMAN: Excellent, Barry.
Excellent! Yeah.
Who says there isn't passion in politics, eh? Thank you, Barry.
Yeah.
Right, those in favour? And those against? MUTTERING ~ One vote out.
~ MUTTERING Close.
MUSIC PLAYS ON CAR RADIO DJ: 'Going to take you back to 1981 now.
'Kim Wilde.
' MUSIC PLAYS CHOIR SINGS It's going to get dirty.
I like a fight, me.
~ You were brilliant.
~ I might have gone a bit far.
And, Tess, you can't keep being late.
So late! How does it look? I'm sorry, I took my watch off, cos it pinches, and forgot.
Well, get a longer strap, for heaven's sake! ~ How's tricks, Sukhvinder? ~ Oh, she can't hear you, she's got her music on.
Honestly, if I didn't drag her out with me, she'd just mope in her room.
I literally drag her or she'd just sit inside all day.
Come on! Take those bloody headphones off! Sukhvinder! She doesn't mean to be sharp, you know? ~ I was very late.
Are you all right? ~ Have you got revision? Are you all right? You don't look very well.
HE SIGHS Had a few beers last night, now I've got a thumping hangover.
~ Can't take the pace.
~ I know.
Three sips of Cava, I think I can twerk, four sips, I'm passed out, dribbling on the carpet.
I used to be fun.
Hey, you are fun.
SHE LAUGHS ~ Barry? ~ MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO DJ: 'Yes, it Garble FM.
You are listening to the '80s Hour.
' MUSIC: The Whole Of The Moon by The Waterboys Hmm.
SHE SIGHS Hmm.
'Hi, this is Barry Fairbrother.
So, please, leave a message.
' BEEPING CLATTERING It's only Uncle Barry.
It's not him.
Sit down.
Just be normal.
~ All right, lads? Are you done? ~ Hi.
~ When did you get here? ~ Woke up early.
I hate to tell you this, but your your wheel's buckled.
Yeah, that was me.
Oh! ~ And where's your bike? ~ Got stolen.
Oh, shit! Oops! I didn't say that.
~ You can't ride a girl's bike, Paul.
~ Well, Dad Dad said it was just short-term.
He's sorting out another one.
Poor old Phineus always gets the cock.
I did not say that either.
BOY LAUGHS Bad uncle.
BIRDSONG Oh, should I have worn a hat? You look better with a hat.
Bloody hell! If it was just the worthy doctor, no-one would care.
Yes, well, she's not popular.
It's him, he believes in things.
Oh, well, we all believe in things.
We all have to put back in.
I mean, Aubrey gives tirelessly.
Gives, gives, gives.
And I do fun runs.
Well, not personally, but I know people who do.
What a lovely place.
All you ever hear is people moaning about jobs - "No jobs, need jobs" - well, there's jobs in a hotel.
I know someone whose niece does nail art and eyebrows in a spa, but I suppose not everyone wants to work.
Hit the nail there, right on the head.
The curse of having some do-gooding bloody ancestor! That legacy is a millstone.
He never he never thought about the Sweetloves who inherited.
Do you have any idea how expensive it is to heat this place? Julia and I have to live on scraps.
~ Well, that's ghastly.
~ Bloody selfish! But you can be very clever with leftovers.
I have some recipes - ever so tasty.
~ Hmm.
My Shirley's casserole, you'll weep with joy.
~ Oh! ~ LAUGHTER ~ Oh, Howard! Come on, dear, cut through.
Come on, Mollison, use your influence, man.
Flex the parochial muscle.
HOWARD AND SHIRLEY LAUGH ~ Thank you.
~ Bring me good news next time.
~ I will.
Yes, thank you.
In fact, no need to come out, you must be so busy, so just an e-mail to the housekeeper will suffice.
I think the car's this way, wasn't it? Oh, perhaps not.
This way.
Mind that.
What a charming couple though.
You you fancy a summer job? Yeah.
Doing what? Sprucing this place up a bit, the whole thing, inside and out.
It might not be here.
Might all be flats or something.
Over my dead body, Andrew.
~ What do you think? ~ Yeah, great.
You You and Paul all right? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah.
That's all right, then.
No, we'll have a blast this summer, me and me homies.
Fo' shizzle.
That's woeful.
~ See you later.
~ Yeah, see you later.
~ Thanks, Uncle Barry! ~ No worries! Oh, no! Dearie me.
What happened here, then? ~ Huh? ~ He did it.
It was an accident, it was.
Right, right.
Well, if it was an accident.
Right.
Well, ask me, Paul.
Can I have my bike back, please, Dad? You may have your bike back when you stop being a little girl.
Till then, this is what you ride everywhere.
So everyone can see, so everyone knows.
Huh? Clumsy prick.
What are you? I'm a clumsy prick.
Huh.
How many times did I call you? I'm so sorry.
I had my phone on silent.
~ I put a balloon in the fridge.
~ Oh, no! That took some doing.
It had a mind of its own.
~ I'm such a crap husband.
~ Yes, but it's all right because I'm excellent.
I'll get a shirt out for you.
HE SIGHS Well, it's probably a choice between the foie gras or the mini chorizo.
Oh, God! Barry.
Mum's livid with him.
Is she? I'll buy him a drink.
Fuck it, I'll buy him his dinner.
~ Hmm.
~ Three courses and cheese.
Might even give him a handjob.
Mary, I want to give the boys a key to the house.
~ Why? ~ So they can come if they want to.
There's something going on.
I've heard you asking if they're all right in that meaningful way ~ and they always tell you that they are.
~ Well, they're not.
~ They're too quiet.
~ They're moody teenagers! They're at the age where they just grunt.
Well, I'm ~ I'm giving them a key.
~ Give them a key, then.
~ MUFFLED ~ Why are you even asking me? Give Terri Weedon a key.
Why do we even have a lock? Let them all sodding move in! Always trying to be the hero! Always trying to Barry? Help me! Barry! ~ Somebody help me! ~ What's wrong? ~ Barry! Oh, God! Barry! ~ What have you done? Oh! ~ MARY SOBS Barry?! PHONE BUZZES MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY HE GROANS TV: "Hi, boys, this is Candice, and I'm your option number two.
" HE SIGHS What? Yeah, this is my brother.
My half-brother.
Same mum, different dads.
She weren't a slag, mind.
But, yeah, this is him.
We did everything we could.
I'm so very sorry.
Don't be.
We never really got on.
Did we? Huh? Good luck, yeah? I'll be outside the gates.
Give us a kiss.
~ Mother! Shaming me.
~ GIRL SUCKS HER TEETH Gaia, don't suck your teeth, yeah? Thanks! Love you, too! BOY: Oi, look, it's the deputy head.
CHEERING Oh, God! Look! Look at them.
~ Ignore them, Colin.
~ I've got no authority left.
You do, natural authority.
You're completely fine.
They're probably doing wanker at me.
Just breathe, think about something nice.
~ Let me out.
~ Stuart! ~ Let me out here.
~ That's so dangerous! MAN SIGHS Deal with your son! BOY WHISTLES ~ All right? ~ Fats.
This is different.
Been a while since we were invited.
Where's he going? Probably to the loo? ~ I'll make some tea.
~ I I don't want anything.
~ Oh, you must have something.
~ Why? TV: 'There are striking similarities 'between Landseer and Fitzgerald's depictions 'of the transformed Bottom.
' TV COMMENTARY CONTINUES SOFTLY How much did this set him back? This the sort you can get Internet on? I'd like it if you both left.
Yeah, of course.
I've got to ring the school and get the boys home anyway, so ~ Simon? ~ Huh? It's the shock.
Call me if you need anything.
~ Ruth! Come on, Ruth.
~ I'm so sorry.
~ I ain't got all day.
How has he got a telly like that, huh? Remember to breathe, be confident! This is your final exam THEY CHATTER So, only a few more hours to go Oh, that is disgusting.
I know.
Degrading for the lady, who looks like someone's mum Thankfully not mine, or yours.
Degrading for me cos I've watched it about 30 times.
Fats, you need a therapist.
I need sex, Arf.
Actual, real, proper sex.
.
.
you're going to me proud, most importantly, you are going to do yourselves proud.
CHEERING AND UPROAR Krystal? Krystal! Where is your uniform? Up my minge.
UPROAR Calm down.
Krystal? Calm down, please.
What have I just been saying? Sir, can I go toilet? I'm bursting.
In a minute.
Need to crack one out before this exam.
I can't keep wanking like this.
The muscles in my forearm have gone deformed.
Feel! ~ You're a mutant.
~ I know.
Oh, shit.
No, what does he want? The epic bell end.
He's crying! Sir, are you crying? Get out, you bloody girl, get out! Mr Meacher, get that girl out! Fuck off, you crying twat.
UPROAR Krystal, come on, out.
~ Andrew? ~ I didn't do anything.
Andrew Price.
Yeah.
Andrew, can you come down, please? BELL RINGS Your husband's a dickhead! I feel heart sorry for you, Miss Wall, I do, right, cos you married a proper nob! He talks to me like that again, I'll belt him, give him something to cry about, the spunk-bubble dick! I bet he ain't even got a dick, crying like a girl.
Ain't my fault he's a twat! ~ Don't shout at me, please.
~ Ain't fuckin' shouting at you! ~ And, please, don't swear.
~ Ain't fuckin' swearin'! Ain't fair.
Everyone was laughing, so it ain't fair that he picks on me.
Krystal, a friend of ours died last night.
Mr Wall is very upset.
People die all the time.
So what? It was Andrew's uncle.
What? Mr Fairbrother? Oh, Krystal, I'm so sorry.
I didn't think, I'm so sorry.
I forgot.
Oh, I am so sorry, Krystal.
More to do with Mum than me.
I am just I am just in a state myself Are we havin' my session or what? Cos that's the reason I come in For the poxy maths and my session, so we doin' it, or what? Yes, Krystal, we're doing your session.
Just give me a moment.
Christ, this hurts.
Who's swearing now? If we're being specific, I'm not swearing, I'm blaspheming.
Same difference.
POIGNANT MUSIC PLAYS CHILDREN'S MUFFLED SHOUTS TINKLE AMPLIFIED BUZZING AMPLIFIED DISTANT: I got a cake for us, as it's our last chat together.
Set you up for your exam.
BOILING AMPLIFIED Changed my mind, can't be arsed.
All this talking shit is bollocks anyway.
I'm glad it's over.
I'll have the cake.
Krystal? SHE EXHALES SLOWLY Turn your papers over .
.
and, using a black pen, write your surname and your other names at the top of the paper.
Oh, no.
These kids Go away, will you? Field kids, little sods.
Just go away.
Get out of here.
I'll get our parents to come in.
~ It's the parents I blame - junkies.
~ Fat twat.
"Fat twat"? You call me fat, look at yourself.
This is what I'm trying to save us from.
The ruination of Pagford, Mo, in a nutshell.
He's dead! ~ Who? ~ What? What shall we do without him, huh? Oh, sad day, Sam.
Danish? Doughnut? No, you are all right, Howard.
It's unbelievable.
I can't believe it! So full of life and, you know Miles, your father is heading straight for you and I know exactly what he wants ~ OK.
~ And I'm warning you, don't you bloody dare say yes.
Do you hear me? Don't you dare.
Sad day, sad day Grow a pair for once in your life! Oh, Miles, dear boy.
Sad day, terrible day.
I'm ever so busy, Dad.
You got to eat, Miles.
Mummy's putting something on the website, condolences, you know.
~ Well, that's erm ~ 40?! ~ .
.
that's good.
40?! That is tragic.
It's tragic.
Poor Mary.
Your heart bleeds, you know.
Yes.
But life goes on, life must go on, and we have a situation.
Do we? WOMEN CHATTER IN BACKROUND We have a casual vacancy.
A councillor is dead, right? The council is not quorate.
We must be quorate.
Now, you should stand.
I mean, man of your status.
What? My son, a Mollison.
The election's no problem, you know.
Shoo-in, you know.
All over, bar the shouting, eh? So you'll stand? But, Dad, I've got so much to do.
I have got all of Barry's clients, I've got my own, I have got Sam and the kids.
~ I wouldn't have the time, I can't ~ Oh, they're doing so well.
Apples of my eye, my granddaughters.
Fees through the roof, of course, that's crippling.
I mean, those fees! Ouch! HE CHUCKLES They're worth every penny.
Education.
Best start in life.
Only the very best for my granddaughters.
You know You don't have to do anything.
All you've got to do is raise your hand and vote.
You-you leave the rest to your old dad.
Good boy, you are a good boy, you always have been.
It's so dreadful to die in public like that.
Oh, isn't it awful? And I didn't think anyone would have had the time to phone you and that's so impersonal, isn't it? A phone call? Always better to get such appalling news in person.
Yes.
Well, I'll let you get on.
You've got a big queue outside.
Always so busy, rushing around.
Terri? Terri Weedon? SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR Hello? Terri Weedon? Hello? Hello? Hello? Terri? Terri.
I'm Kaye Bawden.
I'm your new social worker.
Let's get some light in here, shall we? Wha? CHILD MUTTERS OK Let's make a start, shall we? Here we go.
One arm.
~ No arms.
~ That one.
You are a good boy, aren't you, Robbie, eh? DOOR OPENS You must be Krystal.
Who the fuck are you? I'm Kaye.
I'm your new social worker.
Where's the other bitch? Signed off with stress? ~ It says that Robbie should be in reception class.
~ He is.
~ He's a bit old for nappies.
~ He don't need 'em.
~ OK.
He just needs to be reminded to go or he has an accident - ~ them at little school know that.
He don't need 'em - it's her.
~ Oh.
And your mum's on a programme? How's that working out? Oh, I think we can say with overwhelming confidence that it's working out very positively for the family unit.
All agencies are optimistic.
I will have to report this to my supervisor.
Go on, then, report it.
Door's that way.
Piss off.
I'll be in touch.
~ Bye.
~ Bye, Robbie.
Robbie.
Stay here.
One thing you had to do for me today, one simple thing, get him to school, and you couldn't even do that.
~ He'll get taken now.
~ Get off.
~ Pleased with yourself? ~ Cow! And I'll tell you something else Mr Fairbrother's dead.
Mm? How's that? It's not even going in, is it? You scabby, useless sack of shit.
You bitch! That nice, Rob? SCHOOL BELL RINGS Hey.
What you doing now, Gaia? I'm going home, Stuart.
I'm going to skin up.
Got to get myself in the right frame of mind for the parents.
It's good stuff.
Skunk.
I cordially invite you to join me in contemplation of the infinite.
Didn't your mate get some bad news today? Shouldn't you be checking he's all right? Yeah, I would, but we're not girls.
And it's Fats.
Those in my intimate circle call me Fats.
That's nice, Stuart.
WOMAN CHUCKLES ~ I've got to go back to the office.
~ OK.
~ Who's that? ~ White boy.
I hear that.
~ Was he clean? ~ He smelt of shampoo.
Was there food in the house? Yeah.
Was he hurt? No.
So, how does this qualify as an emergency? The mother was gouched out, insensible.
There was a dirty sharp within the boy's reach.
I mean, how he didn't get hold of it.
Her keeping custody is based on her getting clean.
~ Is it the worst house you've been in? ~ No.
And it's not the worst we've got, not by a long chalk.
I wouldn't send you to the worst we've got.
Robbie's attendance at school is pretty good.
He's improving.
I still think he should be removed.
We've got to lose another three million from our budget.
You know how much it costs to remove a child.
The daughter copes.
Robbie stays.
Not every case is Rosie Frankham.
Excuse me? Manage the situation.
I'm sorry, but I must get on.
Two minutes, yeah? CHILLED POP MUSIC PLAYS Just like that? In the road? Yeah.
HE CHUCKLES The fucking road.
One minute there and then oof.
HE CHUCKLES Just proves, you know that it's all sex and death.
I mean, it's all there is.
And music.
Yeah.
But mainly sex.
Cos, like, when it comes right death, your last thought is never, ever going to be, "I wish I had done less shagging.
" So Got to live, now.
Yeah got to live.
Why are you still here? Excellent.
I'll get the ball rolling.
~ You've got a real chance here, Colin.
~ A chance? What? I'll let him fill you in, but it's good news.
~ Fill me in on what? ~ Well, Parminder thinks I should stand for the parish council ~ for Barry's seat.
~ And you've agreed? It seems I have.
CHEERING Parminder, listen, Colin can't do this, he's not the right person.
He's perfect.
Gold standard.
Got the right reputation - managerial, responsible.
Look what he's done with this school, from special measures to outstanding.
Yes, but it's made him, well, listen You know he can get rather anxious? We're all bloody anxious, Tess! Howard's putting up his son.
That lump! They have to be stopped.
We have to stop them.
~ Yes, but Colin ~ Colin is a compelling candidate.
I'll call you tomorrow, we'll get the campaign going.
He's not even buried and you're jumping in his grave.
The parish shitting council?! Why can't you stand up for yourself? Miles? Tits! Miles! Be a man! Grab a handful! Go on! Come on them! MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS I'm going to watch the news.
MUFFLED SOUNDS NEXT DOOR Simon? Simon? What is this? This This is what I'm owed, what I'm due.
How much did it cost? We can't afford this This didn't come from no shop, no.
(I know people.
) ~ It's stolen? ~ Sticking it to the man.
But, Simon, we can't afford Stop your bleating, woman, huh? You, get a knife, open that box.
I'll get it.
Where do you think you are going? Huh? And did I say sit down? You didn't know what to do with us You couldn't figure out how to get through to us So you muted us, might as well have neutered us Threw us, trussed up, inside the cell of a nucleus You tried to take our freedom, that's nothing new to us We're used to cuffs, bruises and cuts MUSIC THROBS THROUGH THE WALL HE EXHALES Well, I can't back out now.
I mean, how would it look? What would everyone think? Oh, Colin I'm sure it'll be fine.
You'll be fine.
You'll be brilliant.
Well, you're always saying we should do more together as a couple.
Go us! Go us.
Go us.
Go us.
HE SNIFFS Can you smell something? I think I can smell cannabis.
If he's smoking pot I can't smell it.
I did get some different bleach for the loo, it's probably that.
~ You will help me, though, won't you? ~ Of course.
I mean, I think it's fitting, taking Barry's place.
Continuing with his work.
Night-night.
Night.
MUSIC THROBS Jesus.
Saint "Bloody" Barry.
HE CLICKS FINGERS I'm going to stand for election.
You are? Yeah.
Get on the council.
Be like falling off a log.
Sympathy vote.
Saint Barry's brother.
HE CHUCKLES They're all getting their palms greased - now they'll have to grease mine.
~ Huh? ~ HE CHUCKLES Councillor Simon Price.
HE CHUCKLES What, Pizza Face? Everyone knows you're not Barry.
Simon, please, he didn't mean it! Shall I squeeze that, then, for you, shall I? ANDREW GRUNTS Bloody hell, how much pus can one person have in their face? It's disgusting.
It's like you've got leprosy or something.
I try to do something nice I don't know why I bother.
HE SIGHS HE CLICKS FINGERS SHE SNORES LAUGHTER ~ Krys.
~ Obbo.
Them boxes in our place yours? Interim measure.
They won't be there long.
~ You paid my mum, yeah? ~ I helped her out.
It's not helping, though, is it? She asked me.
I can't say no.
Use someone else's house for your fucking TVs.
There's plenty of others using.
Leave her out of it.
ONLOOKERS CHUCKLE You know, if you didn't cake all that shit on your face, you'd be a pretty girl.
LAUGHTER Here, Krys, come on.
Don't be like that.
CHEERING MUSIC: The Riverboat Song by Ocean Colour Scene Tell me why does the river run red? Anyway for all the things you've seen Tell me when will the river run green? Police.
And anyway for all the things you know Tell me why does the river not flow? Oh What's happening? What is it? I can't run any more, I'm so sleepy.
Oh, no, please, I have to rest for just a minute.
Toto? Where's Toto? VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE TROLLEY RATTLES "Look at this.
I'm overwhelmed.
"All these kind words.
"They've made up for what has been a truly rubbish day, so thank you, "and there's to be an election to take my place.
"Now, come on, Pagford, "did you think I wouldn't have something to say about this? "Of course I do.
A little thing like death isn't going to hold me back.
"But what am I going to say and when am I going to say it? "You'll know, when I'm ready.
"It's impossible to keep secrets in this place, isn't it? "Oh, you'd surprised, Pagford.
Everyone's got skeletons "rattling in their cupboard.
Everyone's got something.
"I am the ghost of Barry Fairbrother ".
.
and I am watching you.
" Smiley with a wink! Tick-tock, tick-tock, clock's ticking, Pagford.
SPLA