The Catherine Tate Show (2004) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Agh! Agh! Agh! Jesus Christ! It's like piccadilly circus in here.
Agh! Agh! Agh! Well Here we are, then.
- Well, thanks for a lovely evening.
- No, thank you.
- Well, goodnight.
- 'Night.
Claire! Yes? I don't really feel like going home now.
Any chance of another drink? Or a cup of coffee? James, I know you want to come in, and I know you probably want more than just a drink or a cup of coffee.
It's just that I'm not drunk enough.
- What's wrong, Claire? Don't you like me? - Of course I like you.
I'm just not drunk enough to find you attractive.
- Oh.
- I really want to be drunk enough.
- Why aren't you drunk now? - I am drunk now.
I can hardly stand up.
I'm just not drunk enough.
- Is there anything I can do? - No .
.
Because you're just not attractive.
But I took you to the Munich beer festival.
I know.
I thought that would be it, and I tried.
I drank my own body-weight in German beer.
I was completely out of my tree the whole time we were there.
I got arrested.
Twice.
But it still wasn't enough.
- Maybe you'll never be drunk enough.
- Oh, James, I do like you.
If only I could get so spectacularly pissed I just wasn't aware of what you looked like.
There's an operation you can have which allows more alcohol into your bloodstream.
James, no.
My liver's wrecked as it is.
I've drunk so much to try and find you attractive, the doctors say I may be dead within a year.
Oh, Claire.
Goodnight, James.
Claire! Give me a call.
- Did you see beyoncé last night on TV? - Yeah, man.
- She is well fit.
- That's a well nice song.
- Yeah.
She's fit as well.
- She's better now she's left destiny's.
- Much better, but the other two were fit, man.
- I love that tune.
Yeah, right.
She's well bing-bing.
- What? - I said beyoncé is well bing-bing.
- What is she, mate? - She is bing-bing.
It's bling-bling, mate.
Bling-bling.
- What? - Bling-bling! - Bing-bing! That is bad! - Am I bothered? - That is funny.
Take the shame, man.
- No.
I ain't bothered.
- You've shown yourselt up, innit? - No, I ain't.
- That is funny.
- It ain't, actually.
- Just relax about it.
- Are you telling me what to do? - Are you disrespecting me? - No, I'm just You're disrespecting me.
- You're disrespecting me.
- I'm not disrespecting you.
Just chill out, man.
- It was funny, though.
- Are you stupid? - I'm just laughing.
- Are you stupid? - I'm not laughing at you.
-Why don't you shut up, though? - It's funny.
- I said shut up.
- Yeah, but - But I don't care, though.
- Come on, man.
- But I don't care.
- I'm not saying - I'm not bothered.
I don't care, mate.
- That's not - I don't care.
I ain't bothered.
I ain't bothered! I think I can hear your phone binging, mate.
- Are they gonna put Bobby on the stand? - Hard to say.
He's a kid.
It's a gamble.
Sometimes it pays off.
He's just a little boy.
He's the only eyewitness the prosecution have.
- I don't want to put him through that.
- Then tell me the truth.
- I am telling you the truth.
- No, you're not.
You've never given me a straight answer.
If you want your ass to rot in jail, that's fine, 'cause that's just where you're headed.
Until you start telling me what really happened, I can't defend you one way or the other.
- Did you kill your husband? - No! But I tried to, and at the time I meant it.
That's a wrap.
Same set-up tomorrow.
171, take one.
And action.
- Did you kill your husband? - No! But I tried to, and at the time I meant it.
- Why? - You know why.
- Don't say that.
- I can't live like this any more.
This wasn't the way to do this.
This is wrong.
- Don't tell me what I'm feeling is wrong.
- Erin, don't.
Look at me and tell me you don't feel it, too.
You know what? Is this working? Is this right? It seemed different yesterday.
Was yesterday different? It felt different yesterday.
Is it just me? It's me.
It's fine.
It's me.
Ok, I'm sorry.
Let's go again.
This wasn't the way to do this.
This is wrong.
- Don't tell me what I'm feeling is wrong.
- Erin, don't.
Look at me and tell me you don't feel it, too.
It's probably me.
Is this working? Is anybody worried? I'm not worried.
Is anybody worried? No.
Let's go for the kiss.
And Hello, nan.
- Here he is! - Are you all right? - Come up and see me? - Yeah.
Come up and see me, ain't ya? Yeah, I noticed that.
'Ere, is it cold outside? - Not very.
- I can tell it's cold outside 'cause it's cold in here, see? It's gotta be cold outside if it's cold in 'ere.
It stands to reason.
It is cold in 'ere so it must be cold outside.
Put a couple of bars on that fire if you like, darling.
- I'm all right, actually, nan.
- I don't mind.
Go on.
Put a couple of bars on that fire.
Warm yourselt up.
That's it.
Ain't it hot? I'm roasting! I can't breathe in here, it's so warm.
I'll have to take a pair of these tights off.
That's it.
'Ere she was up 'ere today, weren't she? - Who's that? - Home help.
- Oh, good.
- Yeah.
Lacula something, innit? - Elena.
- Who is it? - Her name's Elena.
- Yeah.
She's from she's from somewhere, ain't she? - Is she? - Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Definitely, yeah.
What is it? Czechoslovakia or something? Bulgaria? It's one of them oddmark countries.
- Poland.
- Who is it? - She's from Poland.
- Yeah, well, I don't like her and that's it.
- Oh, God! - I said to her, ''look, darling, ''I'm not being funny, but I don't want you coming 'ere no more if you don't mind.
'' nan, you didn't! She said to me, ''mrs Taylor, you mustn't be so proud.
'' I said, ''what you talking about?'' she said, ''do you not want me coming no more ''because you feel your independence slipping away?'' I said, ''no, I don't want you coming 'ere 'cause you're a fucking thief.
'' - nan, she's not stealing from you.
- What are you talking about? Of course she is.
I watch her when she thinks I ain't looking.
Handfuls of gear she takes.
- No, she doesn't.
- ''I'm just going to do some ironing for you.
'' ''all right, love,'' I say.
She was stuffing it in her bag.
It's a wonder I've got a stitch of clothing to call me own! - She's not taking your clothes.
- She's nicking me food an' all.
- I doubt it.
- She's nicking me food! I wouldn't mind - I don't begrudge 'em having something to eat.
I always say to her, ''would you like a nice corned beef sandwich now you're 'ere, love?'' ''oh, no, thank you,'' she says.
Then when me back's turned, she's fucking shovelling it down her! She's from social services.
Cunning little bastard! - She'll probably make a complaint about you.
- Let her.
Dirty lowlife.
- It's not funny, nan.
- Oh, shut up.
You give me ear ache, you do.
You can't go around making complaints about people when they've done nothing wrong.
It's me programme! Oh, it's on now.
I love this, I do.
Have you seen this? That fat girl off ''emmerdale''.
''Huge big frame.
'' - ''you've been framed''? - Yeah.
Have you seen it? She goes round with a cine camera and she takes pictures and then she shows it to you on the telly.
It's comical, it is.
Mind you, she don't 'alt know some fucking stupid people.
Have a look.
Mummy, I dropped the egg cleaver on the floor.
Thomas, you silly sausage.
Pop it on the side.
Alice can put it in the dishwasher when she gets home.
But, mummy, you don't understand.
Chloe hasn't topped her egg yet.
Oh, crisis! Pass me the phone, Thomas.
Maybe we can catch her.
Come on.
Quick sticks! That silly girl never has her mobile phone turned on.
Alice, what luck! - We're having a bit of a situation here.
- My egg can't breathe! It's going to discolour.
Just calm down.
Mummy's taking care of it.
What is the shortest cycle on the dishwasher? Six minutes? Oh, salvation! - When can you get here? - Tell her to take public transport.
Good thinking, Thomas.
Take a taxi and get here as soon as you can.
- Mummy, my egg! - And call the school.
Tell them Thomas and Chloe won't be in today.
Calm down.
We're going to be ok.
- Mummy, will Alice be ok? - She's bound to worry about us.
She's only human, but there's nothing we can do about that.
- No do you think we're cursed? - Oh, my God! We're all going to die! Now, I don't want you girls to panic.
We're going to have to be brave and sit this one out.
Oh, look, they're at the door.
Turn the engine back on.
- What? - Turn it on.
Happy Birthday! Food's nearly ready.
- How about a drink? - Great! Do you want us to bring it out? Um yeah.
It's just that she's only just this minute gone off.
We don't want to risk it.
Bring her inside.
You can put her in our room.
Are you mad? She's asleep.
We can't move her.
That's insane.
Don't worry.
It'll be another few minutes.
- Trout dauphinoise.
- Thank God for Jamie Oliver.
Changed our lives! I think I'll just pop in and use their loo.
Shall I see you in there? No.
Do you remember that baby I had six months ago? Well, for the first time in 36 hours, she appears to be asleep, and if I move her, she'll wake up, and when she wakes up, I'm likely to kill you and then kill myselt, so, no, I won't see you inside.
- Is that cake? - Yeah, it's Sarah's birthday cake.
- I thought that was cake.
- It's lovely.
Is everyone having cake? - Is it chocolate and buttercream? - Chocolate fudge.
Chocolate fudge cake.
- I used to love that.
- Hm? I said I used to love that.
Sorry, do you mind if I just finish this email? I'm not having any cake.
I'm cutting down.
- Sorry, do you want me to move it? - No, it's fine.
I'm in the zone.
And when I'm in the zone I'm in the zone.
I haven't got any willpower.
- I'm being strict with myselt.
- Well done.
It's dropping off.
Guess how much I've lost.
How much weight have I lost since last Monday? - I've no idea.
- Have a guess.
- I don't know.
- Come on.
Look at me.
Have a guess.
- I didn't think you needed to lose any weight.
- Boring! How much? Just guess.
- It's difficult to say.
- Don't be annoying.
- Guess how much I've lost.
- I wouldn't like to.
A stone and a halt? A stone and a halt? A stone and a halt in a week? Oh, yeah, of course.
Ten pounds? Ten pounds? I haven't got dysentery! - Come on! - Five pounds.
- Right.
Forget it.
- Three? Three pounds.
You've lost three pounds.
I've lost two pounds.
- That's a good start.
- Yes, it is.
Keep up the good work.
Happy now?! - Michael! - Yes? - Are you all right? - I can't find my mobile.
- Oh.
- I had it just a second ago.
It's like beirut in here.
Can you call it from yours? Yes.
- What are we gonna do with you, eh? - Shh.
Just let me listen.
Agh! Gosh! It made me jump.
Stop slurping! God! Soup's so bloody noisy.
They wouldn't make soup if they had a baby of their own.
- It's Jamie Oliver.
- Well, it's too bloody noisy.
And it could do with some pepper.
That was lovely.
- We bought you a present.
- Oh, thank you.
Daddy, could you just take that? - Will you be joining us for the main course? - Of your birthday lunch? - Um - It depends.
Is it going to be noisy? - Sorry? - The main course, is it very loud? Well, it's trout, but it's dead.
Thank you.
I love easter, don't you? Hot cross buns.
- Easter eggs.
- I always eat too many.
- Biblical epics on the telly.
- They're a bit long for me.
That's the best bit.
Lasts the whole afternoon.
''Ben-hur''.
I'll never get enough of that.
Charlton heston.
All those extras.
I saw a documentary about the making of it.
Did you? - Guess how many extras were in that film? - Oh How many extras do you reckon are in ''Ben-hur''? - I've never seen it all the way through.
- Guess.
- No idea.
- You'll never guess.
- Exactly! - Try.
Jesus Christ! He was a speaking part.
How many extras? - I don't have a clue.
- Come on.
- How many bloody extras? - I don't know.
- Just guess.
- I can't think.
Guess! A quarter of a million? A quarter of a million? In one film? Halt a million sandals? - A thousand? - I don't think so.
- 4,ooo.
- Right.
It broke the world record for most extras in a film.
How many? - 3o,ooo.
- Not that many.
- 1o,ooo.
- Eight.
8,ooo.
8,ooo? Gosh, that's loads! Yes, it is what about ''gladiator''? Oh, get a life! Did you speak to Lisa today? Nah.
- You didn't speak to Lisa at work? - No, I ain't seen her.
No? Not Lisa, no.
Oh.
Not Lisa.
Oh, yeah - Lisa.
Lisa who? I don't know.
I never knew her surname.
What is Lisa's surname? Lisa who? I don't know.
- Give her a ring! - Who? Lisa? - Yeah! - No.
I don't like to.
She might not even be called Lisa.
Yeah.
- I might get us a dog.
- What, now? - No! Weekend.
- What do we want to get a dog for? - They're good company, ain't they? - Yeah, that's true.
What sort of dog are we gonna get? I thought one of them ones with the ears.
They've all got ears, babe.
No! The ones with the big floppy ears.
- Prince Charles spaniel.
- Oh, yeah! - They're sweet, ain't they? - Yeah.
- Here, I just thought - What? - That's a bit much, innit? - What? Calling a spaniel prince Charles just 'cause it's got big ears.
- He's probably used to it by now.
- Yeah.
No! I'll tell you what, it's not prince Charles, it's king Charles.
No, no, he's still definitely only a prince.
No, the dog with the big ears is called a king Charles spaniel, not a prince Charles spaniel! What are you like? Don't! I'm gonna pass out.
What am I gonna do with you? Oh, my God! Why does it always happen to me? - You are a one-off! - That was classic me.
- Pass me that phone before I die.
- Who you ringing? Shh! You are mental! Oh! Shelley? - Here we go! - Shelley, you are not gonna believe this! - You'd better open the present.
- Don't you dare! Just open the card.
- It's rude.
- Just open the card.
congratulations and celebrationsi - we thought it would be best if we joined you.
- Oh, this is lovely! - It's surprisingly easy to - Shh.
Could you keep it down a bit? Oh.
Don't mind us - are you doing this on purpose? - It's a bottle of wine.
What else can I do? Maybe you could slap her in the face and wake her up properly.
Did you like the card? - Brilliant, isn't it? - # congratulations and celebrations well Thanks for a lovely evening.
Yeah.
Thanks so much.
Next time you should come over to our car.
celebrationsi agh! - They say death has many faces, Whittaker.
- Do they, ma'am? Oh, yeah - facially, you know.
It's a thing.
- What's the name of this joker? - Barry wheatley, ma'am.
- He used to work for the Anderson brothers.
- How do you know he still doesn't? Because he's dead, ma'am.
Is he? - Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah, but is he? - Yes, ma'am.
- Yeah, but is he really? Yes, ma'am.
He's definitely dead.
Let's look at this from a different angle.
I don't quite know what you mean, ma'am.
Suppose for one moment, Whittaker, none of this exists.
You, me.
We all could be figments of someone's imagination.
- Whose imagination, ma'am? - Could be yours, Whittaker, it could be mine.
Could be old mrs dawkin's who runs a pie and mash shop down the old Kent road.
I'm not exactly sure where you're going with this, ma'am.
It took Adam and Eve one minute to fall from grace in the garden of eden, and yet growing out a layered Bob can take forever.
You haven't got a clue where I'm going with this, have you? Well # I'm gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs # gonna use my style, gonna use my senses # gonna use my fingers # gonna use my-my imagination, whoa # 'cause I'm gonna make you see # there's nobody else here # no one like me I'm special Whittaker.
# special # so special # special # I'm gonna have some of your attention # give it to me ooh, why do you look so sad? Whittaker! - They just accepted our offer! - What offer? - On the flat we want.
- Oh, well done! They were asking 165,ooo for it.
Guess how much we got it for? - I don't know.
- Just guess.
163,5oo? Yeah.
I once met a man with a sense of adventure he was dressed to thrill wherever he went he said, ''let's make love on a Mountain top ''under the stars on a big, hard rock'' I said, ''in these shoes? ''I don't think soi'' 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360 361 362 363 364 365 366 367 368 369 370 371 372 373 374 375 376 377 378 379 380 381 382 383 384 385 386 387 388 389 390 391 392 393 394 395 396 397 398 399 400 401 402 403 404 405 406 407 408 409 410