The Cockfields (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

1 We're still on the ferry, Mum.
- How come?! - Because it's a 45 minute crossing and you only phoned 15 minutes ago.
What way's he driving from the ferry? Tell him to go via Afton, not Norton Green.
Ray says to go via Afton.
I heard him.
We're not going that way, it takes longer.
No, it doesn't.
Ray's shaking his head, he's says it doesn't.
Give me the phone, Sue.
You there, Simon? No, I've flung myself overboard.
When you get to Yarmouth, go via Afton, not Norton Green.
- It'll be quicker.
- No, it won't, it takes longer.
- No, it doesn't.
- Yes, it does! Listen, I've lived on the island for 35 years.
You should know your way round the place then, shouldn't you? Will you just listen to me for once and go via Afton?! I'm handing you back to your mother.
Hello, love.
Is Donna there? You have a go.
- Hello, Sue.
- Hello, Donna.
Donna, I can't sign into my iPad.
Okay.
It's probably your password.
What's your password? - Password? - It's shitpipe17.
Don't look at me like that! Andre set it up.
Shitpipe17.
Why is your password Shitpipe17? Is is your mothers maiden name? - Well, can you fix it or not? - Mum? Mum, can we sort this out when we get there? - Okay, love, yeah.
Drive carefully.
- Yep.
Bye.
- Bye! - Bye-bye.
Did he say he'd go via Af.
.
Why does your mum always think I work in IT? I've no idea.
I'll put it on a long list of things I do not understand about that woman.
Come on, then.
You're definitely going to split up with me after this weekend.
- Probably.
- No, I'm serious.
Mum and Ray are going to do your head in.
- Speak of the devil.
- Hello, Mum! We're five minutes away.
Quick question.
Can you ask Donna if she likes raw carrot? Like raw carrot? - Yes, thanks, Sue.
- Yeah, she does, Mum.
Thank God! Donna does like raw carrot, Ray.
What are you on about? I'll see you when you get here, love.
Bye! - Okay.
Bye, Mum! - Bye! Bye! You've just missed the turning for Afton.
Oh, right.
Well, you know, that's the kind of bloke I am, Donna.
If I want to go via Norton Green, I'm going to go via Norton Green, all right? - You're so butch! - I know, it's about time you bloody noticed! - Hello, Mum! - Hello, love! - Hello, Donna! - Hi, Sue.
Welcome to the island! - Peanuts! - Oh, I'm sorry! She wets herself when she gets excited.
I have the same problem with her, Mum.
- I doubt that for a second! - These are for you, Sue.
They're lovely! - Did you go via Afton? - No, no.
Well, that's why you're late.
- We're not late, are we? - Look at these.
Well, they'll need to go in the lean-to because of my lips.
Well, you weren't to know, Donna, these'll give Ray a runny nose and big lips.
- Hello, Donna, welcome to the island! - Hello, Ray, nice to see you.
- How's my favourite stepson? - I'm good.
How are you, Ray? I'm fine.
Do you want to park your car in front of mine? Can't I just leave it there? It's been a long drive.
Just pop it in front of mine.
- Right.
- I'll clean it for you later.
You don't have to.
I'll hoover the inside as well.
Ray went into Totland this morning, Donna, and got you a block of lard.
Thanks.
We noticed when we came to visit you didn't have any.
Now, would you kids like to have lunch inside or outside, Donna? I don't mind.
Well, it might be nice to have it outside.
You don't think it's too hot to eat gala pie in the garden? Maybe.
Although we might regret it if we have it inside.
Let's eat in the garden, then.
What about the midges? Well, let's eat inside, then.
Although the midges don't really bother me and Ray.
Well, let's eat outside, then, Mum.
It seems a shame when you've come all this way.
Right.
Ray, change of plan, the kids want to eat outside now.
- I thought they would! - Yeah, make up your mind, Donna! Bloody hell, is that you? Yeah, that was my storing food in my cheeks phase.
Fair play to your mum for not lobbing you in to the sea at birth.
- The eagles have landed! - Hello, pal! How are you? - Good.
- You remember my stepbrother? - Yeah.
Hello David.
- Hello, Donna! Oh, wow! Nice shoes! Oh, thanks, they're just plimsolls.
No absolutely, that was a bit much, wasn't it? Rein it in, David! - So, how are you, David? - I'm good, I'm good.
I lost my job but, you know, it's probably for the best.
Why, what happened? To a large extent, for some reason, working on ferries, specifically the ones I've worked on, and I think there should be a documentary made about this, bullying occurs.
No-one wants to hear about this again, David.
I'm sorry Dad, but comments were made about the length of my trousers.
I was ostracised by the other cafeteria staff and, on top of that, I had my coffee sweetener stolen.
And I said to the captain, "It's not lost, it's stolen!" Me and David shared this room.
Wow, what was that like? Yeah.
He chatted a lot.
- Is this all right for you, Donna? - Yeah, it's great.
Right.
Well, there's a spare duvet under there, - and I've emptied these drawers out for you.
- Brilliant, thanks.
Right, well, I'll get out of your hair, let you get settled.
Thanks, Mum.
I'll just quickly plug this air purifier in for you, Donna.
Do you want me to put your suitcase in the loft? No, we're all right.
Ray? No, we're all right.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, we're fine.
Fair enough.
Well, give us a shout when you want me to put it up there.
We don't want to put them in the loft.
Right.
If you say so.
Right, I think that's about it.
Donna, do you need any washing doing? No, it's okay, thanks.
You won't need that.
Right, do you need anything else? No, we're fine, thanks, Mum.
Well, I'll let you get on with it.
- We've got a new paper shredder.
- Cool.
Yeah.
I'll be going.
I'm so glad you've come over for your birthday.
Well, thanks for having us, Mum.
I can't believe my little boy's going to be 40.
Where does the time go, eh? They're really sweet.
- Come and have some food, Mum! - Yeah, come on, Sue! Come and sit down! Pass us the piccalilli, David.
Absolutely! Stop shouting, please.
Yep, no, keep volume to a reasonable level.
- So, are you living here now? - Yes.
Dad's been very generous and patient and has allowed me to stay here until I'm back on my feet.
Well, you've got a month and then you're out on your arse.
There's only so much wittering a man can take, Donna.
Sausages! Eat up, everybody.
Oh, my God! Everything all right, Mum? What's she doing now?! Napkin rings! At least we can all relax now.
Thank you.
- How's your mum, Donna? - Yeah, good.
- How's your dad, Donna? - Good, thanks.
Lovely.
Give them my love.
Bloody hell, Suzie, you're talking as if you know them, you've never even met them! Are you too hot, Donna? No, I'm fine, thanks.
Do you want to go in the shade, love? Yes, I think so.
Move yourself a little to the left, then.
Mum doesn't know if she's sitting in the shade or not.
Am I in the shade now? No, no, just a bit more.
- Now? - A bit more.
- Now? - Now you're in.
Oh, yeah, that feels better! You don't know if you're in the shade or not, do you, Mum? No, I've never been able to tell where the sun ends and the shade begins, Donna.
It's a worry, isn't it? No, it isn't! Slap him for me, Donna! Everybody enjoying their gala pie? - Yeah.
Yes, lovely.
- Very good.
If this recipe was online, I'd give it a digital kiss.
Oh, David, that's a lovely thing to say! What's that you're eating there, David? Sweetcorn niblet pie.
David's a vegetarian, but he doesn't really eat vegetables.
- You live on cereal, don't you, David? - Absolutely.
A big bowl of granola drenched in full fat lactose-free milk is my crack cocaine! Would you like some more gala pie? No, I'm fine, thank you.
- Have that little bit.
- Honestly, I'm full.
Go on, eat it, it'll only go to waste.
Have you met anyone famous lately, David? Yes, I have.
I met Clare Balding at the Medina Centre back in April, and Dan Walker at the Southampton Boat Show.
- He's a creationist, you know? - Oh, is he? David likes to have his photo taken with celebrities.
Have you met anyone else? Well, next month I'm popping over to the Bournemouth International Centre to see if I can get a selfie with Gladys Knight & The Pips.
I think it's high time you left these celebrities alone.
I've seen the photos, and they look very, very wary of you.
Very wary.
Oh, yeah, Mum, why's there a bread knife in the downstairs loo? It's for David.
Can we just leave it there? All right.
As Suzie was saying, I don't eat enough vegetables or grains.
Sometimes the flush isn't powerful enough, so it just needs a bit of persuasion.
- You know, chop it up.
- Oh, God! More gala pie, Donna? Andre, love.
- I've pruned the roses, boss.
- Good lad.
Andre, would you like some quiche, love? I don't know, really.
I don't usually like your food, Sue.
Well, help yourself, then.
That's horrible.
Can't believe they reckon it's going to rain later.
Oh, it won't rain, it's lovely.
Do you want to stop for a breather, love? Please, love.
Where's that over there? That's Tennyson Down.
Round the corner, there, past those chalky bits, over The Solent, that's Lymington.
Where they filmed Howard's Way.
Can we go one day without you mentioning that bloody programme?! Sorry, I was just so fond of that series.
Donna, do you want to see this trick? Peanuts, sit.
Good, sit! No, howl for Donna! Believe it or not, eventually he going to shit on this.
Good girl, good girl! Isn't she clever, Donna? Yeah, she certainly is.
Yeah, I think a better trick might be to teach her not to piss on people's shoes, Mum.
This is the spot where we want our ashes scattered.
- I don't want to talk about this now, Mum.
- No, you have to, you know? Cos you never know what's going to happen.
I mentioned it to your mum about scattering them in The Solent but she said no, cos she can't swim.
Well, I can't! - Oh, man.
- What? Don't you dare, Ray.
- What's going on? - I'm not having this again.
Come on, Peanuts.
Ray? What are you doing? Ray says this is a right of way, so he doesn't see why we should have to walk round.
Mum?! I should probably Excuse me?! It's that little prat from the village again.
Sorry, so sorry.
Sorry! Sorry about this.
- Every time we play a match.
- What is your problem, mate? Come on, let's get out of here.
At least their cricket match will be rained off.
That's the spirit, Ray, live and let live! Good job we bought these umbrellas, isn't it, Simon? We'd get absolutely soaked! Is that Dad?! Hi, Simon.
Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Sue.
- Hi, Larry.
This is Melissa, everyone.
Hi, hi, everyone, great to meet you.
This is my son, Simon.
Wow, Simon! This is Donna.
- Hello.
- Hi, Donna.
Nice to meet you at long last.
Where have you been hiding this one, Simon? Yeah.
Have you dyed your hair, Dad? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that was my idea.
- Embarrassing.
- It looks great, doesn't it? I have.
- Do you like it? - I love it! Superb! Congratulations! - It's very nice, Larry.
- Yeah, it's great.
Yeah, so far, so good, I've had a lovely reaction from everyone I've met.
I just don't think you suited being grey.
I mean, who does? You know? It just made his face look so old.
Melissa wanted me to have a full head of, you know, darker hair.
And we're getting that varicose vein seen to in the New Year.
Again, congratulations! Do you have to tell everyone darling? Isn't that a dangerous procedure? No, no.
Basically they just heat up the leg until the vein collapses.
They said it might hurt a little and I have to wear a big stocking for a month - But it'll be so worth it! - Of course, it'll be worth it.
It'll be worth it.
Yeah, it's worth it.
You know, no pain, no gain.
Well, I wish you all the best with your endeavours, simple as that.
Thank you! That's really sweet.
- Right, Larry, we should - Oh, yes.
Hey, listen, it's been a real pleasure.
- Lovely to meet you, Donna.
- And you.
You are still coming to Simon's birthday lunch, aren't you, on Sunday? Of course we are! What time? We said about one.
Excellent, with bells on.
- Okay.
Bye, now.
- Bye, everyone.
Bye, Dad.
Bye, Melissa.
Bye, see you Sunday.
- I'm not saying anything.
- Can we just go? I'm bursting.
- Your dad's in better nick than you are.
- Oh, thanks very much.
Do you know he's got a tattoo of a skull on his shoulder blade? Has he? You don't seem that surprised.
You're like two peas in a pod, you two.
What do you think of his new girlfriend? Oh, yeah, lovely, yeah.
Really nice, really unpretentious, just the sort of person you want coming to your birthday I'm sure it'll be fine.
Yeah, I'm sure it will be.
Are you all right mate? Oh, sorry.
I'm just afraid of birds getting in here.
What?! I don't like it when birds come through the door.
Has that happened? Oh, yes.
It's very disorientating.
And it's a double threat because they drop their faeces everywhere, and last time I got incredibly ill.
Sorry, what are you on about? I was given the bacteria virus campylobacter by a garden wren, Simon.
Oh, you may mock, but it saw an opportunity and managed to squeeze its way in.
I had a rolled up copy of the Radio Times, and dad had a rolled up copy of the County Press, and we finally managed to guide it out.
So, as you can imagine, I'm keen not to experience that again.
Good heavens, that's a thick one! Bloody hell! Why don't you cut your own toenails, Ray! Cos Sue does it better than me.
- And it turns me on! - Oh, how lovely.
Donna, can you pass me that little Tupperware container, please? Thank you, Donna.
Go on, you naughty thing! You'll be doing this for him in a few years, Donna.
Trust me, I won't.
What time do you normally go to bed, Donna? I dunno, about half ten? That's the time we'll all go to bed, then.
- No, no.
We don't have to.
- No, no.
What are you watching David? I'm on Google Maps.
Just having a look round Hollywood.
Oh, right.
It's a fascinating place.
I've just turned in to Hugh Hefner's street.
My word, there are so many cars parked on his driveway! He's not blessed is he, that Andy Murray? He's like his mother, his neck's as thick as his head.
How much do them Wimbledon winners get paid? Why, are you thinking of entering, Ray? Siri, how much do Wimbledon winners get paid? Let me think.
Here's what I found on the web for "How much do Wimbledon winners get paid?" £2 million?! That's amazing, Suzie, and the women get paid the same as the men! Which doesn't make sense, because they're not as good.
And they only play three sets.
Well, that's because they bring in the same amount of audience, isn't it? - We don't watch the women, do we, Sue? - No.
To be honest, Donna, I don't like the ones who grunt.
Mum, do you know you say Donna's name a lot? - Do I? - Yeah, at the end of a lot of your sentences.
Doesn't matter.
I've not noticed her saying "Donna.
" - Well, I have, that's why I brought it up.
- Honestly, it's fine.
I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
Oh, do you, Ray? That's not like you to have an opinion.
Simon! You didn't seem to mind what Suzie said when we gave you our old car last year.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Well, look at the state of it! Now's not the time, Ray.
Sorry, what's your point? When we gave it to you it was spotless.
Now look it.
All that crap in the footwells.
That's the problem with you Simon, you don't know how to look after things.
What are you on about?! That car was a present, and you turn it in to a dustbin.
In fact, we feel quite disrespected.
Well, if I'm not looking after it to your standard, you can have it back if you want.
Oh, stop it, the pair of you! Honestly, Donna, they're like oil and water, they just don't mix.
Oh, I've said Donna again.
For God's sake, you and Ray are a bloody nightmare sometimes.
Well, getting Mum to cut his toenails? - What does he think he is, a parrot? - Can you just rise above it, please? I'm here as well, so it affects me.
God, this bed is so uncomfortable.
It's like lying on a cattle grid.
I don't think my dad remembered it was my birthday this weekend.
Do you fancy going into Ventor tomorrow? We could have a look at some of those knick-knack shops that you hate.
Great, yeah, I'll look forward to that.
Oh, for fu Hello?! Can you deal with this? Otherwise I'll head-butt someone.
God.
Hello, Donna.
I just wanted to say, you don't have to get up early in the morning, stay in bed as long as you like.
- Okay, thanks.
- But we'll still be getting up at six.
But we won't have breakfast until you come down.
No, no, if you're hungry, have breakfast.
- We'll grab something when we get up.
- Yeah, we'll grab something.
No, We'll wait for you.
Now, have you got enough pillows? - Yeah, thanks.
-Yeah.
Are you sure you wouldn't like a couple off our bed? No, don't worry, we're fine.
I'll get you a couple, just in case.
Oi, why are you taking my pillows? Ray, will you put your pyjama bottoms on?! There you are, Donna.
Now, is there anything else I can do for you? - No, thanks.
- Well, I'll say goodnight, then.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Giuseppe! - Night, Mum.
- Come to bed, you daft cow! Simon and Donna are going to bed! - Goodnight! - Goodnight! It's like Piccadilly Circus! - G'night, Donna.
- G'night.
Goodnight, David.
Goodnight.
- Night, Dad.
- Go to bed, David! - Absolutely! - Stop shouting, David! - Night-night! - Night.
Night-night.
Why's your mum got a paper shredder? She does a lot of secret work for the Ministry of Defence, you know? In between keep fit and the craft club.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
You? - Are you sure? - Yeah.
Why? They're not too mental for you, are they? - I'm loving it.
- Thought you might.
Goodnight, Giuseppe.
Yeah, goodnight.
Suzie?! Any idea where the bread knife is?!