The Comedy Get Down (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
N-Words with Friends
1 Where are we headed Mr.
Lopez? We're going to Atlanta.
It's the 10th stop of our check this out Comedy Get Down tour.
Wow.
So what made all you guys decide to do this tour? I got the idea after we did a benefit honoring Richard Pryor.
We all had such a good time, that I thought we ought to take this on tour.
So I said, let me call Cedric, throw him a bone.
George begged me to be on this tour.
Begged me to be on this tour.
Called me all the time.
He tracked me down.
He's like, Ced, I need you on this tour, man.
You're one of the original Kings of Comedy, man.
Plus, I love all your movies, man.
I love Johnson Family Vacation.
I love Roscoe Jenkins.
Loved you when you killed it in Be Cool.
That's one of the main reason I decided to do this tour sell my book.
Hey, if you wanna buy one I mean, I would give you this one, but it's already been autographed for 2 Chainz.
I had to do it twice.
He's a real stickler about that 2 thing.
Lemony Snicket.
He was like, Madagascar 1, 2, and 3.
1, 2 and 3.
He actually said it like that in succession, with all the numbers.
Then I found out that George called Cedric the Entertainer before he called me.
When I ask George about it, he gonna try tell me he called everybody in alphabetical order.
Last I checked, Murphy comes before the Entertainer in the phone book.
He's like, Barber Battle, one of my favorite shows.
Barber Battle is one of my favorite shows of all time.
That's when I kind of thought, like, maybe he puttin' it on a little thick.
Like, for real, have you ever seen Barber Battle? You're just gonna shake your head no, man? You could've lied.
See, they puttin' fluoride in the water over here, my Indian brother, in an attempt to control our minds, man.
I was asking about how you guys started doing the comedy tour together.
How do you expect me to remember all that shit, man? My memory's shot.
It's probably from all that fluoride they put in that water.
You ever thought about turning on the mother [BLEEP.]
air conditioning on in this damn thing? How are you gonna [BLEEP.]
India is very hot.
Turn it off? Turn that [BLEEP.]
damn thing off! I'm gonna whoop your ass.
- [AIRPLANE ENGINE.]
Man, y'all see how much they gettin' for these Double Stuf Oreos in this mother [BLEEP.]
? $9.
At least they double stuffed.
Guys, the minibar is on the sponsor.
Don't worry about it.
Go crazy.
No, no, no, that ain't right, Ced.
You know who pays $9 for regular stuffed Oreos? - The 1%.
- That's right.
That's how these hotels get away with it.
I wrote all about in my new book.
Oh, you wrote a new book, DL? Damn, man, I almost forgot.
You ain't said shit about it in five minutes.
You're just jealous 'cause I've written more books than you've read.
- Dang, that's funny.
- DL only wrote two books.
I have a library.
[BLEEP.]
both of you [BLEEP.]
.
Hey, good news.
I found a roadie to take Terry's spot while he's gone.
This is Jeff.
Hey, what's up, White Terry? No, it's Jeff, actually.
No, you're white, you're replacing Terry.
We gonna call you White Terry.
You probably heard about DL's new book, huh? I have.
I'm a huge fan, actually.
All right, don't kiss ass.
He used to work with Van Halen, so he's got all these stories about Sammy Hagar and David.
You guys don't know who the [BLEEP.]
I'm talking about.
Van Halen? Who's that? He kill vampires? I don't give a shit about that shit, son.
- Hey, White Terry? - Yeah? Down south, they got this string of restaurants called The Pussycat Pie Factory.
They got the best pies in the country.
And that's why I want you to take your white ass down south and get me a razzleberry pie.
Do you have that? Can you remember that? - Razzleberry.
- CHARLIE: Okay.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Nina, this is White Terry.
White Terry, Nina.
She's our tour manager.
She runs this whole organization.
Right, we met.
I signed his paperwork.
- I thought your name was Jeff.
- Yeah, so did I.
Great.
Guys, we have a big problem.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Please, listen.
Look, I just spoke with our representative from our corporate sponsor, and they have been getting a lot of flack about a certain word you all are using in your acts.
Okay, so do you want to tell us what word it is? Yes, it is the N-word.
You mean [BLEEP.]
? Nina, I mean, you know you are a black woman.
It's okay for you to say the word [BLEEP.]
.
I just don't like using it.
Are you seriouse? You have the filthiest mouth I've ever heard on a woman.
In Cleveland, you called the hotel manager, and I quote, "[BLEEP.]
dude ass mother [BLEEP.]
.
"Y'all don't know who you're dealing with.
"I'm mother [BLEEP.]
Nina, bitch.
"I'm gonna [BLEEP.]
you up.
" He disrespected me.
I just don't feel comfortable using that word.
I don't got a problem with it.
Me neither.
I pray on it every night.
Lord, please, give this [BLEEP.]
the strength to deal with another one of these white people.
We all use the word [BLEEP.]
.
Well, TSG said if you don't stop using it, they're gonna pull their sponsorship.
Well, that's not good.
We're used to private jets and hotel suites.
And the Double Stuf Oreos.
Wait a minute.
That is some corporate BS right there.
You know what? Forget them.
Just find us a new sponsor.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry, it's not that easy.
Who has to get the new sponsor? Me.
I had to jump through hoops to get TSG.
You know what, guys? When I think about it for real, this may not be a bad thing.
Aw, come on, man.
I mean, we lean on the word a little too much sometimes.
I'm not gonna let no corporate suit-wearin' mother [BLEEP.]
tell me I can't say [BLEEP.]
, my [BLEEP.]
.
That's because you can't stop saying [BLEEP.]
.
No, I can stop saying [BLEEP.]
.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you serious, man? Some of y'all use the word [BLEEP.]
like a valley girl uses the word like.
Like, [BLEEP.]
, no, oh my god, [BLEEP.]
.
Yo, Ced, man, I take offense to you comparing us to valley girls, all right? Those white women from Malibu, man.
We're black men.
Charlie, Charlie It's a figure of speech, Charlie.
Just calm down there.
Look, I'll say it this way.
Let's just put some money on it, right? Look, we'll go to lunch.
First person that says the word [BLEEP.]
- gives the other guys $100 each.
- Bet, my [BLEEP.]
.
You might want to stop by the ATM.
Hey, Charlie, how come you're not eating? Actually, I'm saving some space for my razzleberry pie that White Terry's bringing me back from The Pussycat Pie Factory.
Ooh, make it sound so good.
I'm not gonna order dessert here.
You're gonna let me have a slice? Look at here, n Whoa, whoa.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I didn't say "ger.
" I didn't say "ger.
" I just said "n" I didn't say "ger.
" Sir, you are going to have to procure your slice of pie somewhere else.
Procure.
That's very astute of you, there, Charles.
He even bought a vowel.
[LAUGHTER.]
All right, to be honest, I'm actually proud of us, man.
It's been, like, 20 minutes, ain't been one slip-up yet.
Almost, though, Charlie.
Yeah, almost.
I thought Eddie would crack first.
CHARLIE: Everybody thought Eddie would crack first.
No, I'm good.
You know, you just gotta choose your words extra carefully, now.
Mm-hmm.
You guys are making it too hard.
All you gotta do is get yourself a substitution.
I'm going with ninja.
Using the same thing in same context? [STUTTERS.]
Don't count.
You just mad 'cause I came up with ninja.
Ninjas were started in the centuries before in Japan.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Yo, Ced, what's happening, man? What's up, [BLEEP.]
? Hey, hey.
Yeah, yeah! - What's up with you? - What's up? Whatcha doin' in Atlanta, bro? Oh, man, we're out here shooting Barbershop 4.
Sorry your character died.
[LAUGHTER.]
He's joking, man.
Ain't no Barbershop without Eddie.
If Eddie dies, everybody in the [BLEEP.]
barbershop will be dead He's playing.
He's playing, man.
You ain't doin' it for real, are you? A lot of [BLEEP.]
at this table right here, man.
This is, like, a legendary table.
Yeah, man.
DL? That book, man.
You got a book on Amazon Kindle.
[BLEEP.]
, you Paperwhite now? That means a lot coming from you, my ninja.
Ninja? [SIGHS.]
Cool.
So, uh, whatcha all doin' in Atlanta, man? Where you [BLEEP.]
performing at? [STUTTERS.]
We got a show Monday Whoa, whoa.
We got a show over at the Philips Arena.
Yeah, at the arena.
What's up, George? [BLEEP.]
having a stroke or something? Got a little zika from travelling, spring break.
EDDIE: That's it.
Mosquitoes.
We're all just kinda a little tired.
That's cool, you know? If I'm interrupting something, man, I apologize.
But it's some weird you know, you [BLEEP.]
actin' weird at this table.
We gonna be performing at the arena.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
All right.
I'ma just break, man, 'cause I see y'all busy.
It's always good running into Ben Carson's academy.
Oh! Oh! Ouch! That brother just called us the Ben Carson academy.
CHARLIE: Ben Carson.
[BLEEP.]
, [BLEEP.]
, [BLEEP.]
, [BLEEP.]
.
Hold up, my [BLEEP.]
! We definitely gonna lose our sponsorship.
[DOOR KNOCK.]
My man! White Terry.
White Terry came through in the clinch.
That's what I'm talkin' about, White Terry.
You got me - You went to Kitty Cat's? - Yeah.
That's not where I sent you, man.
I sent you to The Pussycat Pie Factory.
Is there a difference? Kitty Cat's a knockoff, like, uh, Dairy King or Light Castle's or McDowell's.
Actually, McDowell's isn't a real place.
It's fictional.
It's from the movie Coming to America.
Do you have a brother in that movie? - No.
- Yeah, I didn't think so.
You know what? I want you to take my 100 [BLEEP.]
dollars down to The Pussycat Pie Factory and buy me a razzleberry pie.
- Razzleberry pie.
- Okay? Take this with you, throw it in the trash.
Okay, sure.
Take it! Of course, yeah.
It's garbage.
Razzleberry pie.
WHITE TERRY: Razzleberry pie.
You got it, man.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
I ain't gettin' no pie, and I missed the end of Zootopia.
Well, here's the thing, Mr.
Randall, is that we love TSG as a sponsor.
Yes, sir, we do.
Collectively, thank you.
CEDRIC: And we do.
We want to make you happy.
But for us to go from whatever we say let's call it a collective 50 [BLEEP.]
a night down to zero, is gonna be a little tough for us.
I mean, it's a part of our language.
It's like asking Shakespeare not to say doth.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Excuse me? - You didn't say it 50 times.
You said it 317 times between the bunch of you.
I'm sorry.
So you're saying you actually counted them? We have a team of people counting them.
You pay [BLEEP.]
counters? Well, they're interns, actually.
The show before last was 306.
The one prior was wow, 422.
DL: Wait, but that was Jacksonville.
And Jacksonville was when Eddie got into it with Dwayne from What's Happening.
There was a lot of "hey, hey, heys" thrown around with malice.
You know, you can't pick and choose.
Sir, we get it.
It was indeed an above-average [BLEEP.]
night.
It was a lot of [BLEEP.]
going on, and [BLEEP.]
got thrown around just left and right.
It was a [BLEEP.]
, and it was the Super Bowl, and we [BLEEP.]
know it.
Uh, [BLEEP.]
was just coming in and out, and it was just a plethora of [BLEEP.]
.
A cornucopia.
It was like a [BLEEP.]
palooza.
But what we are suggesting is maybe we, um, taper.
- Taper? - Taper.
I believe what my colleague is trying to say that instead of going from 100 N-words to zero N-words, that we're allowed, you know, some N-words.
Do you guys mind if I actually say the word? - You're not saying it, man.
- I'm not comfortable with that.
None of you guys better say puto, then.
I'll put that down right here.
Can't say it, no.
Okay, Mr.
Randall, here's my suggestion.
100 [BLEEP.]
a night.
Right there, that's one third less [BLEEP.]
.
I'll give you 10.
Okay, so 90.
I'll give you 63.
That's my final offer.
63? That must be that new math.
That's an odd number, Sir.
I mean, how do you divide that by five? CEDRIC & DL: Five? Four! Four.
By four.
One more than 63 and we're pulling our sponsorship.
You understand me? Sure, fine.
We get it.
Understood.
We'll, uh we'll work with it.
Thank you.
We'll work with it.
Come on, guys.
That's one uptight [BLEEP.]
right there.
- Now you're down to 62.
- You know what? You Stephen H.
Smith-lookin' ass you're not [PANTS.]
[KNOCKS.]
[PANTS.]
- Pussycat? - Pussycat's.
[PANTS.]
[SNIFFS.]
- You messin' with me, right? - No.
I distinctly sent you down there to get me a razzleberry pie.
And you come back with boysenberry pie.
Do you want me to go back there and Don't come back here till you got my pie.
Understood.
Boysenberry pie.
That's some fake-ass Willy Wonka shit.
- DL, you gotta say something.
- I'm not saying nothin'.
It's you.
You set it up.
I think it's a good deal.
- DL: Then we should - You're the better negotiator.
What's up, Ced? DL? What up, guys? What up, baby? What's up, man? Hey, fellas, before the show tonight, I have some good news, all right? We talked to the guy at TSG, and he gave us some [BLEEP.]
.
That is what I'm talkin' about.
You know I was panickin', DL.
I was about to use your ninja thing.
You're not gonna get to use ninja.
Did you patent ninja? It is owned by Japanese people.
We got the [BLEEP.]
.
Don't argue over that.
We got it.
- Well, Charlie, we got 62.
- 62 what? N-words.
Well, how are we gonna divide them up? Well, obviously, George doesn't get any.
Whoa, I thought we were dividing everything equally.
You're not gonna get to say [BLEEP.]
, [BLEEP.]
.
It's not that I wanna say it.
I might want to sell 'em because I think they might fetch a pretty penny out there.
You were gonna say black market, huh? I wasn't gonna say black market.
[CHUCKLING.]
Look man, guys, this is my suggestion, all right? I'm gonna take five.
That's all I really need, you know? That leaves 57, 19 [BLEEP.]
each.
- That's cool.
- Well, can I get a few extra? I'm still a little cranky.
I didn't get my pie.
You see? I could've sold some to Charlie.
[SIGHS.]
Guys we can do this, guys.
Come on, you know what I'm sayin'? Let's keep our eye on the prize here.
Everybody in this group can handle this situation.
Eddie, did you squash the situation with Dwayne from What's Happening? I mean, [BLEEP.]
.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
What if he's still around here? Everything's fine.
I've taken care of it.
It's squashed between me and Dwayne.
- It's not a problem.
- All right, come on, guys.
- Let's do this, baby.
- Let's do it! - Comedy - Get Down! Excuse me.
Hi, it's me again.
I need one razzleberry pie, please.
Ugh.
One razzleberry pie! - MAN: We're out of razzleberry! - We're out of razzleberry.
No.
No, no, no.
Please, can you just check again? - Are we out of razzleberry? - MAN: We're out of razzleberry! - We're out of razzleberry! - Well, can you make me one? The ovens are shut down for the night.
Please.
I mean, I cannot go back there without this pie.
Please! I will get murdered.
Is there a problem here? Yeah, Sir, there is a huge problem.
Charlie Murphy is going to kill me if I don't bring him back a razzleberry pie.
- Charlie Murphy sent you? - Yeah.
I love Charlie Murphy.
I just saw him perform with the guys a few weeks ago in Jacksonville.
Unbelievably funny.
I swear, I told everyone I know about that show.
- Didn't I? - Mm-hmm.
Why was Eddie so angry at the guy who played Dwayne in What's Happening? I don't know.
Look, Son, my name is Joe Garvin, and I happen to be the owner of The Pussycat Pie Factory chain.
And I'm gonna go back there and heat up the ovens and make you a fresh razzleberry pie.
Are you serious? Oh my god.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure, really.
Hey, by the way, what's your name, kid? My name? My name is White Terry.
White Terry.
It's interesting.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
That's it! We did that.
We did that.
We good.
It's all right, man.
When you think about it, I think we did good.
- I didn't use my ninja.
- That tripped me out.
I was actually proud of you.
You weren't even about to do this thing.
- Bad news, guys.
- What's up? You went over.
I'm sure we had a little wiggle room.
You went over by, like, 200.
Are you sure your [BLEEP.]
counter's calibrated properly? It is.
You alone had almost 80.
Damn, [BLEEP.]
.
Look, I'm sorry, but effective immediately, TSG is withdrawing our sponsorship.
Aw, man! Come on, man! By the way, funny show tonight! [LAUGHS.]
Man, I'm gonna get your ass, man.
Hey, my bad, y'all.
I apologize.
You know, I tried my best, man.
But I'm Eddie Griffin, man.
I'm gonna say [BLEEP.]
quite a few times.
It's all right, Ed.
It's cool.
Who is he to tell us what we can and can't say? Who is anybody to tell us what we can and can't say? He's right.
It took us a helluva long time to take that word back, and now we're supposed to cowtow to some dude in a suit just 'cause it makes him uncomfortable? Hell no.
I concur, man.
It's in my DNA.
It's my favorite acronym.
It stands for non-immigrants gaining, gathering, achieving.
We the only people that ain't immigrate to this country.
And I ain't gonna let no African bougie American and his little white friends tell me what the hell I can say and my choice of vernacular up in this You know what I'm saying.
- Same.
- We're artists.
And once we start censoring ourselves for our other people, what do we have, guys? Nuthin'.
You know, the private jets and the presidential suites.
And DL likes those little watermelon pieces cut in half.
Yeah, I do.
I like it.
But you guys should be able to say it.
Razzleberry pie.
A three-and-a-half-hour-late pie.
- I don't want it.
- I'll take it.
I was being hyperbolic [BLEEP.]
.
Ah ha! Look, man, so what are we gonna do now, guys? Well, I guess I can try to find another sponsor.
Also, you need to get us a new roadie.
- TSG dropped you? - Yeah.
You know what? I think I might have an idea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Pie, pie, pie.
That was not smart.
I'm very, very sorry.
Oh my gosh.
Excuse me! Get out of my way, people! - CHARLIE: Good work, man.
- Thanks.
You got us our new sponsorship.
- That's hot, man.
- Yeah.
- CEDRIC: White Terry! - EDDIE: Thank you, White Terry! DL: Thank you, White Terry! GEORGE: You're the man, White Terry! Why is everybody thanking this white boy? You left two of my bags over there, mother [BLEEP.]
.
What?
Lopez? We're going to Atlanta.
It's the 10th stop of our check this out Comedy Get Down tour.
Wow.
So what made all you guys decide to do this tour? I got the idea after we did a benefit honoring Richard Pryor.
We all had such a good time, that I thought we ought to take this on tour.
So I said, let me call Cedric, throw him a bone.
George begged me to be on this tour.
Begged me to be on this tour.
Called me all the time.
He tracked me down.
He's like, Ced, I need you on this tour, man.
You're one of the original Kings of Comedy, man.
Plus, I love all your movies, man.
I love Johnson Family Vacation.
I love Roscoe Jenkins.
Loved you when you killed it in Be Cool.
That's one of the main reason I decided to do this tour sell my book.
Hey, if you wanna buy one I mean, I would give you this one, but it's already been autographed for 2 Chainz.
I had to do it twice.
He's a real stickler about that 2 thing.
Lemony Snicket.
He was like, Madagascar 1, 2, and 3.
1, 2 and 3.
He actually said it like that in succession, with all the numbers.
Then I found out that George called Cedric the Entertainer before he called me.
When I ask George about it, he gonna try tell me he called everybody in alphabetical order.
Last I checked, Murphy comes before the Entertainer in the phone book.
He's like, Barber Battle, one of my favorite shows.
Barber Battle is one of my favorite shows of all time.
That's when I kind of thought, like, maybe he puttin' it on a little thick.
Like, for real, have you ever seen Barber Battle? You're just gonna shake your head no, man? You could've lied.
See, they puttin' fluoride in the water over here, my Indian brother, in an attempt to control our minds, man.
I was asking about how you guys started doing the comedy tour together.
How do you expect me to remember all that shit, man? My memory's shot.
It's probably from all that fluoride they put in that water.
You ever thought about turning on the mother [BLEEP.]
air conditioning on in this damn thing? How are you gonna [BLEEP.]
India is very hot.
Turn it off? Turn that [BLEEP.]
damn thing off! I'm gonna whoop your ass.
- [AIRPLANE ENGINE.]
Man, y'all see how much they gettin' for these Double Stuf Oreos in this mother [BLEEP.]
? $9.
At least they double stuffed.
Guys, the minibar is on the sponsor.
Don't worry about it.
Go crazy.
No, no, no, that ain't right, Ced.
You know who pays $9 for regular stuffed Oreos? - The 1%.
- That's right.
That's how these hotels get away with it.
I wrote all about in my new book.
Oh, you wrote a new book, DL? Damn, man, I almost forgot.
You ain't said shit about it in five minutes.
You're just jealous 'cause I've written more books than you've read.
- Dang, that's funny.
- DL only wrote two books.
I have a library.
[BLEEP.]
both of you [BLEEP.]
.
Hey, good news.
I found a roadie to take Terry's spot while he's gone.
This is Jeff.
Hey, what's up, White Terry? No, it's Jeff, actually.
No, you're white, you're replacing Terry.
We gonna call you White Terry.
You probably heard about DL's new book, huh? I have.
I'm a huge fan, actually.
All right, don't kiss ass.
He used to work with Van Halen, so he's got all these stories about Sammy Hagar and David.
You guys don't know who the [BLEEP.]
I'm talking about.
Van Halen? Who's that? He kill vampires? I don't give a shit about that shit, son.
- Hey, White Terry? - Yeah? Down south, they got this string of restaurants called The Pussycat Pie Factory.
They got the best pies in the country.
And that's why I want you to take your white ass down south and get me a razzleberry pie.
Do you have that? Can you remember that? - Razzleberry.
- CHARLIE: Okay.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey, Nina, this is White Terry.
White Terry, Nina.
She's our tour manager.
She runs this whole organization.
Right, we met.
I signed his paperwork.
- I thought your name was Jeff.
- Yeah, so did I.
Great.
Guys, we have a big problem.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Please, listen.
Look, I just spoke with our representative from our corporate sponsor, and they have been getting a lot of flack about a certain word you all are using in your acts.
Okay, so do you want to tell us what word it is? Yes, it is the N-word.
You mean [BLEEP.]
? Nina, I mean, you know you are a black woman.
It's okay for you to say the word [BLEEP.]
.
I just don't like using it.
Are you seriouse? You have the filthiest mouth I've ever heard on a woman.
In Cleveland, you called the hotel manager, and I quote, "[BLEEP.]
dude ass mother [BLEEP.]
.
"Y'all don't know who you're dealing with.
"I'm mother [BLEEP.]
Nina, bitch.
"I'm gonna [BLEEP.]
you up.
" He disrespected me.
I just don't feel comfortable using that word.
I don't got a problem with it.
Me neither.
I pray on it every night.
Lord, please, give this [BLEEP.]
the strength to deal with another one of these white people.
We all use the word [BLEEP.]
.
Well, TSG said if you don't stop using it, they're gonna pull their sponsorship.
Well, that's not good.
We're used to private jets and hotel suites.
And the Double Stuf Oreos.
Wait a minute.
That is some corporate BS right there.
You know what? Forget them.
Just find us a new sponsor.
No, no, no.
I'm sorry, it's not that easy.
Who has to get the new sponsor? Me.
I had to jump through hoops to get TSG.
You know what, guys? When I think about it for real, this may not be a bad thing.
Aw, come on, man.
I mean, we lean on the word a little too much sometimes.
I'm not gonna let no corporate suit-wearin' mother [BLEEP.]
tell me I can't say [BLEEP.]
, my [BLEEP.]
.
That's because you can't stop saying [BLEEP.]
.
No, I can stop saying [BLEEP.]
.
[LAUGHS.]
Are you serious, man? Some of y'all use the word [BLEEP.]
like a valley girl uses the word like.
Like, [BLEEP.]
, no, oh my god, [BLEEP.]
.
Yo, Ced, man, I take offense to you comparing us to valley girls, all right? Those white women from Malibu, man.
We're black men.
Charlie, Charlie It's a figure of speech, Charlie.
Just calm down there.
Look, I'll say it this way.
Let's just put some money on it, right? Look, we'll go to lunch.
First person that says the word [BLEEP.]
- gives the other guys $100 each.
- Bet, my [BLEEP.]
.
You might want to stop by the ATM.
Hey, Charlie, how come you're not eating? Actually, I'm saving some space for my razzleberry pie that White Terry's bringing me back from The Pussycat Pie Factory.
Ooh, make it sound so good.
I'm not gonna order dessert here.
You're gonna let me have a slice? Look at here, n Whoa, whoa.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
I didn't say "ger.
" I didn't say "ger.
" I just said "n" I didn't say "ger.
" Sir, you are going to have to procure your slice of pie somewhere else.
Procure.
That's very astute of you, there, Charles.
He even bought a vowel.
[LAUGHTER.]
All right, to be honest, I'm actually proud of us, man.
It's been, like, 20 minutes, ain't been one slip-up yet.
Almost, though, Charlie.
Yeah, almost.
I thought Eddie would crack first.
CHARLIE: Everybody thought Eddie would crack first.
No, I'm good.
You know, you just gotta choose your words extra carefully, now.
Mm-hmm.
You guys are making it too hard.
All you gotta do is get yourself a substitution.
I'm going with ninja.
Using the same thing in same context? [STUTTERS.]
Don't count.
You just mad 'cause I came up with ninja.
Ninjas were started in the centuries before in Japan.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Yo, Ced, what's happening, man? What's up, [BLEEP.]
? Hey, hey.
Yeah, yeah! - What's up with you? - What's up? Whatcha doin' in Atlanta, bro? Oh, man, we're out here shooting Barbershop 4.
Sorry your character died.
[LAUGHTER.]
He's joking, man.
Ain't no Barbershop without Eddie.
If Eddie dies, everybody in the [BLEEP.]
barbershop will be dead He's playing.
He's playing, man.
You ain't doin' it for real, are you? A lot of [BLEEP.]
at this table right here, man.
This is, like, a legendary table.
Yeah, man.
DL? That book, man.
You got a book on Amazon Kindle.
[BLEEP.]
, you Paperwhite now? That means a lot coming from you, my ninja.
Ninja? [SIGHS.]
Cool.
So, uh, whatcha all doin' in Atlanta, man? Where you [BLEEP.]
performing at? [STUTTERS.]
We got a show Monday Whoa, whoa.
We got a show over at the Philips Arena.
Yeah, at the arena.
What's up, George? [BLEEP.]
having a stroke or something? Got a little zika from travelling, spring break.
EDDIE: That's it.
Mosquitoes.
We're all just kinda a little tired.
That's cool, you know? If I'm interrupting something, man, I apologize.
But it's some weird you know, you [BLEEP.]
actin' weird at this table.
We gonna be performing at the arena.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
All right.
I'ma just break, man, 'cause I see y'all busy.
It's always good running into Ben Carson's academy.
Oh! Oh! Ouch! That brother just called us the Ben Carson academy.
CHARLIE: Ben Carson.
[BLEEP.]
, [BLEEP.]
, [BLEEP.]
, [BLEEP.]
.
Hold up, my [BLEEP.]
! We definitely gonna lose our sponsorship.
[DOOR KNOCK.]
My man! White Terry.
White Terry came through in the clinch.
That's what I'm talkin' about, White Terry.
You got me - You went to Kitty Cat's? - Yeah.
That's not where I sent you, man.
I sent you to The Pussycat Pie Factory.
Is there a difference? Kitty Cat's a knockoff, like, uh, Dairy King or Light Castle's or McDowell's.
Actually, McDowell's isn't a real place.
It's fictional.
It's from the movie Coming to America.
Do you have a brother in that movie? - No.
- Yeah, I didn't think so.
You know what? I want you to take my 100 [BLEEP.]
dollars down to The Pussycat Pie Factory and buy me a razzleberry pie.
- Razzleberry pie.
- Okay? Take this with you, throw it in the trash.
Okay, sure.
Take it! Of course, yeah.
It's garbage.
Razzleberry pie.
WHITE TERRY: Razzleberry pie.
You got it, man.
[DOOR SHUTS.]
I ain't gettin' no pie, and I missed the end of Zootopia.
Well, here's the thing, Mr.
Randall, is that we love TSG as a sponsor.
Yes, sir, we do.
Collectively, thank you.
CEDRIC: And we do.
We want to make you happy.
But for us to go from whatever we say let's call it a collective 50 [BLEEP.]
a night down to zero, is gonna be a little tough for us.
I mean, it's a part of our language.
It's like asking Shakespeare not to say doth.
[LAUGHTER.]
- Excuse me? - You didn't say it 50 times.
You said it 317 times between the bunch of you.
I'm sorry.
So you're saying you actually counted them? We have a team of people counting them.
You pay [BLEEP.]
counters? Well, they're interns, actually.
The show before last was 306.
The one prior was wow, 422.
DL: Wait, but that was Jacksonville.
And Jacksonville was when Eddie got into it with Dwayne from What's Happening.
There was a lot of "hey, hey, heys" thrown around with malice.
You know, you can't pick and choose.
Sir, we get it.
It was indeed an above-average [BLEEP.]
night.
It was a lot of [BLEEP.]
going on, and [BLEEP.]
got thrown around just left and right.
It was a [BLEEP.]
, and it was the Super Bowl, and we [BLEEP.]
know it.
Uh, [BLEEP.]
was just coming in and out, and it was just a plethora of [BLEEP.]
.
A cornucopia.
It was like a [BLEEP.]
palooza.
But what we are suggesting is maybe we, um, taper.
- Taper? - Taper.
I believe what my colleague is trying to say that instead of going from 100 N-words to zero N-words, that we're allowed, you know, some N-words.
Do you guys mind if I actually say the word? - You're not saying it, man.
- I'm not comfortable with that.
None of you guys better say puto, then.
I'll put that down right here.
Can't say it, no.
Okay, Mr.
Randall, here's my suggestion.
100 [BLEEP.]
a night.
Right there, that's one third less [BLEEP.]
.
I'll give you 10.
Okay, so 90.
I'll give you 63.
That's my final offer.
63? That must be that new math.
That's an odd number, Sir.
I mean, how do you divide that by five? CEDRIC & DL: Five? Four! Four.
By four.
One more than 63 and we're pulling our sponsorship.
You understand me? Sure, fine.
We get it.
Understood.
We'll, uh we'll work with it.
Thank you.
We'll work with it.
Come on, guys.
That's one uptight [BLEEP.]
right there.
- Now you're down to 62.
- You know what? You Stephen H.
Smith-lookin' ass you're not [PANTS.]
[KNOCKS.]
[PANTS.]
- Pussycat? - Pussycat's.
[PANTS.]
[SNIFFS.]
- You messin' with me, right? - No.
I distinctly sent you down there to get me a razzleberry pie.
And you come back with boysenberry pie.
Do you want me to go back there and Don't come back here till you got my pie.
Understood.
Boysenberry pie.
That's some fake-ass Willy Wonka shit.
- DL, you gotta say something.
- I'm not saying nothin'.
It's you.
You set it up.
I think it's a good deal.
- DL: Then we should - You're the better negotiator.
What's up, Ced? DL? What up, guys? What up, baby? What's up, man? Hey, fellas, before the show tonight, I have some good news, all right? We talked to the guy at TSG, and he gave us some [BLEEP.]
.
That is what I'm talkin' about.
You know I was panickin', DL.
I was about to use your ninja thing.
You're not gonna get to use ninja.
Did you patent ninja? It is owned by Japanese people.
We got the [BLEEP.]
.
Don't argue over that.
We got it.
- Well, Charlie, we got 62.
- 62 what? N-words.
Well, how are we gonna divide them up? Well, obviously, George doesn't get any.
Whoa, I thought we were dividing everything equally.
You're not gonna get to say [BLEEP.]
, [BLEEP.]
.
It's not that I wanna say it.
I might want to sell 'em because I think they might fetch a pretty penny out there.
You were gonna say black market, huh? I wasn't gonna say black market.
[CHUCKLING.]
Look man, guys, this is my suggestion, all right? I'm gonna take five.
That's all I really need, you know? That leaves 57, 19 [BLEEP.]
each.
- That's cool.
- Well, can I get a few extra? I'm still a little cranky.
I didn't get my pie.
You see? I could've sold some to Charlie.
[SIGHS.]
Guys we can do this, guys.
Come on, you know what I'm sayin'? Let's keep our eye on the prize here.
Everybody in this group can handle this situation.
Eddie, did you squash the situation with Dwayne from What's Happening? I mean, [BLEEP.]
.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
What if he's still around here? Everything's fine.
I've taken care of it.
It's squashed between me and Dwayne.
- It's not a problem.
- All right, come on, guys.
- Let's do this, baby.
- Let's do it! - Comedy - Get Down! Excuse me.
Hi, it's me again.
I need one razzleberry pie, please.
Ugh.
One razzleberry pie! - MAN: We're out of razzleberry! - We're out of razzleberry.
No.
No, no, no.
Please, can you just check again? - Are we out of razzleberry? - MAN: We're out of razzleberry! - We're out of razzleberry! - Well, can you make me one? The ovens are shut down for the night.
Please.
I mean, I cannot go back there without this pie.
Please! I will get murdered.
Is there a problem here? Yeah, Sir, there is a huge problem.
Charlie Murphy is going to kill me if I don't bring him back a razzleberry pie.
- Charlie Murphy sent you? - Yeah.
I love Charlie Murphy.
I just saw him perform with the guys a few weeks ago in Jacksonville.
Unbelievably funny.
I swear, I told everyone I know about that show.
- Didn't I? - Mm-hmm.
Why was Eddie so angry at the guy who played Dwayne in What's Happening? I don't know.
Look, Son, my name is Joe Garvin, and I happen to be the owner of The Pussycat Pie Factory chain.
And I'm gonna go back there and heat up the ovens and make you a fresh razzleberry pie.
Are you serious? Oh my god.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure, really.
Hey, by the way, what's your name, kid? My name? My name is White Terry.
White Terry.
It's interesting.
AUDIENCE: [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
That's it! We did that.
We did that.
We good.
It's all right, man.
When you think about it, I think we did good.
- I didn't use my ninja.
- That tripped me out.
I was actually proud of you.
You weren't even about to do this thing.
- Bad news, guys.
- What's up? You went over.
I'm sure we had a little wiggle room.
You went over by, like, 200.
Are you sure your [BLEEP.]
counter's calibrated properly? It is.
You alone had almost 80.
Damn, [BLEEP.]
.
Look, I'm sorry, but effective immediately, TSG is withdrawing our sponsorship.
Aw, man! Come on, man! By the way, funny show tonight! [LAUGHS.]
Man, I'm gonna get your ass, man.
Hey, my bad, y'all.
I apologize.
You know, I tried my best, man.
But I'm Eddie Griffin, man.
I'm gonna say [BLEEP.]
quite a few times.
It's all right, Ed.
It's cool.
Who is he to tell us what we can and can't say? Who is anybody to tell us what we can and can't say? He's right.
It took us a helluva long time to take that word back, and now we're supposed to cowtow to some dude in a suit just 'cause it makes him uncomfortable? Hell no.
I concur, man.
It's in my DNA.
It's my favorite acronym.
It stands for non-immigrants gaining, gathering, achieving.
We the only people that ain't immigrate to this country.
And I ain't gonna let no African bougie American and his little white friends tell me what the hell I can say and my choice of vernacular up in this You know what I'm saying.
- Same.
- We're artists.
And once we start censoring ourselves for our other people, what do we have, guys? Nuthin'.
You know, the private jets and the presidential suites.
And DL likes those little watermelon pieces cut in half.
Yeah, I do.
I like it.
But you guys should be able to say it.
Razzleberry pie.
A three-and-a-half-hour-late pie.
- I don't want it.
- I'll take it.
I was being hyperbolic [BLEEP.]
.
Ah ha! Look, man, so what are we gonna do now, guys? Well, I guess I can try to find another sponsor.
Also, you need to get us a new roadie.
- TSG dropped you? - Yeah.
You know what? I think I might have an idea.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Pie, pie, pie.
That was not smart.
I'm very, very sorry.
Oh my gosh.
Excuse me! Get out of my way, people! - CHARLIE: Good work, man.
- Thanks.
You got us our new sponsorship.
- That's hot, man.
- Yeah.
- CEDRIC: White Terry! - EDDIE: Thank you, White Terry! DL: Thank you, White Terry! GEORGE: You're the man, White Terry! Why is everybody thanking this white boy? You left two of my bags over there, mother [BLEEP.]
.
What?