The Conners (2018) s01e01 Episode Script

1 What was this, tuna casserole or potato salad? DARLENE: Doesn't matter.
It's just stuff in mayonnaise.
It's been three weeks since Granny Rose's funeral.
Why are people still giving us casseroles? And why do people bring casseroles when somebody dies? It's actually a practical gift.
When people are grieving, they don't want to have to cook.
What about when the casseroles run out? What if the person who died is the only one who cooked? Then we keep telling people we're grieving until we figure out how to feed ourselves.
[SIGHS.]
I just feel bad it's taken us so long - to give them their dishes back.
- That's right.
Other people are dying.
And their relatives are getting casseroles in plastic Tupperware, so It's not like the Grim Reaper is getting a cup of coffee while we're piddling around here.
Do we have to keep talking about death all the time? Just keeps reminding me of Grandma.
Here.
You go rest, hon.
I got that.
Hey, thanks.
We could not have held this all together without you, you know.
Well, that's why I'm here.
I know Roseanne would want me to step in and watch over the family.
No, it'd kill her.
But she's already dead, so carry on.
No mother should ever have to bury her own child.
Mom, you're 92.
You're gonna see all of us die, and then you're gonna get buried by a robot.
D.
J.
: Hey, everybody.
- Geena! - Hey! - Geena! - Hey! - Welcome home.
- Hi.
I'm sorry I missed the funeral.
The airport in Afghanistan was under attack for awhile.
Still faster than O'Hare.
This is all just fruits and vegetables.
If you don't eat right, your heart can attack you, like Granny Rose.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
- Oh, I got to take this.
[DISH CLINKS, RINGING CONTINUES.]
I just finished cleaning out Mom's dresser.
Remember how she was always complaining that she didn't have any necklaces to wear? Here they are.
DARLENE: Dad? You got to start sleeping in your bed.
Sleeping on the couch every night's bad for your back.
I just dozed off watching TV.
Not the end of the world.
I read an article in the dermatologist's office that said it's very common for people not to want to sleep in a bed that someone died in.
Fascinating.
About that you ever read anything that anyone wants to hear? No.
Usually not, no.
Geena, how long before you have to go back to Afghanistan? Oh, they only give you a five-day leave for the death of a loved one.
Aunt Darlene says that Granny Rose might come back as a bird or a grasshopper.
GEENA: That's really sweet.
But I think Aunt Darlene should put away her yoga pants and pick up a Bible.
Uh, not that crazy, really.
Just reincarnation.
Only about a billion people believe in it.
Well, you better make your reservation in Hell, then, 'cause it's gonna be crowded.
Reservation? We already have a cabana.
Dan, can I talk to you for a minute? [SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS.]
I just got a call from a friend in the coroner's office.
The autopsy found that it wasn't a heart attack.
Roseanne O.
D.
'd on opioids.
Not possible.
We knew she had a problem.
She was only on pain pills for two days after surgery.
Then it was just ibuprofen.
It's got to be wrong.
Well, I wish it was, but they think that she must've taken the pills right before bed, and with her health issues, it was enough to stop her breathing.
Wait, what? Mom overdosed? That doesn't make any sense.
I got her knees fixed.
I flushed all her pills.
Oh, my God.
I found these pills in Mom's closet.
Well, these aren't even prescribed to her.
She got them from Marcy Bellinger.
Damn.
That's the only thing from Mom's closet that I wanted.
I cannot believe how far past due they are on some of these.
Maybe we should just tell the bill collectors that Mom died.
Don't you remember Mom used that herself like five times? Yeah, but I feel like we could really sell it this time.
[CHUCKLES.]
[LAUGHS.]
Are we horrible for laughing? Well, I'm tired of crying.
And laughing inappropriately is what Mom taught us to do.
I still can't believe she O.
D.
'd.
[INHALES DEEPLY.]
You know what? I can't do bills right now.
I got to finish my split shift at the restaurant.
Well, all right, but we got to get this done, so let's pick it up Friday night.
I can't.
I have a date.
Okay, fine.
Saturday morning.
I just told you I have a date on Friday night.
Becky, you can't stay vertical for one more day? Look, maybe you can handle this.
I can't.
I went through it when Mark died.
I don't want to do it again.
You're not gonna just dump all of Mom and Dad's stuff on me, okay? I've got two kids.
I've got a full-time job.
No.
You're the obvious choice to take over for Mom.
You already live here, and you're a scary, little tyrant.
You're just gonna compliment me and walk out? You're right.
I'm gonna get my phone and find someone to cover my shift.
I'm gonna do what's right.
BECKY: You're too trusting! You might want to work on that! [DOOR SLAMS.]
Hey, you and Aunt Becky need to make up.
What if she died and the last thing you ever did was fight? Oh, hey.
Are you thinking about how you and Granny Rose fought a lot before she died? Kinda.
You know, families fight, but we know that we always love each other.
And, plus, it's in all those letters that Granny Rose left each one of us.
Granny Rose wrote everyone a letter? Oh, God.
Maybe not everyone.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- You suck! I might die tomorrow.
Don't be mean.
[VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING.]
What are you doing? Huh? Um [WHIRRING STOPS.]
Roseanne always wanted to do this, and so I thought that with all the company that we've had recently and the prior 40 years of unattended filth, um, this would be a good time to fulfill her dream.
Uh, when will it be dry? I was gonna zone out in front of the TV for a bit.
Uh, it takes, uh, three to five days.
[DOOR OPENS.]
I thought about what I said, and I realized it was insulting and dismissive.
I see that now, because I need a ride to work.
Sorry for your loss.
It's on the house.
I appreciate it.
Um, does your sympathy extend to close friends? No.
This is domestic.
My loss is deeper than that.
I think it goes all the way to Germany.
You got it.
DARLENE: Dad? What is this? What's it look like? It looks like a lawsuit.
You can't do this.
I-I just took it off the side of your truck.
People are taking pictures.
That's the point.
Put it back.
Look, I know that you're upset, but this isn't gonna help.
It's helping me.
Now, I can either do this or drive my truck through her house.
Don't.
My boyfriend did that, and he's having so much trouble getting his license back.
Thank you.
Let's go, Chuck.
The, um, "truck through the house" thing, that's just an expression, right? Grandpa, this is Enrique and Joey.
Hello, men.
Listen, you guys can play in here.
I got stuff to do in the garage.
MARK: You don't have to go.
They're leaving 'cause they have to do homework.
They just came in to get a drink.
Really sorry to hear about your wife, Mr.
Conner.
Thank you, son.
People die.
What are you gonna do? Seen a little too much action in Nam, Joey? See you tomorrow.
Hey, that's our cup.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right.
[SIGHS.]
I'll be out in the garage, buddy.
Okay.
Can I ask you something first? Sure, if it's quick.
Granny Rose and I were talking about this field trip I'm going on Friday, and we never got to finish.
There's these two kids who want me to sit next to them on the bus, and she was gonna help me figure out who to pick, 'cause whoever I sit next to, it kind of means I like them.
This doesn't sound quick.
Are any of them boys? Yeah Enrique and Joey.
Would you like to talk about death some more? I just need to make a decision right away.
[SIGHS.]
It's really important.
I got to be honest with you, pal.
There's a reason that your mom and Aunt Becky went to Grandma for all this stuff.
It's a measure of my deep affection for you that I haven't run out of the room already.
Grandpa Dan? Yeah? Did you ever like a boy? No.
Does it bother you that I do? No! I was kind of waiting for you to tell me about it.
Sorry I took so long.
Okay, don't let it happen again.
I hope everyone is enjoying the movie.
I'm having a blast sitting on this hard chair, paying bills on a plastic tray stolen from Hometown Buffet.
At least you don't have a wet ass from sitting on the couch.
Oh, did I forget to tell you Aunt Jackie washed the couch? Oops.
You could've told me.
Yes, I could have.
I'm gonna go get some more coffee.
Anybody? I'll go with you.
Don't touch anything.
I've got a system.
What are you doing? I am making life easier, with a kitchen work-triangle concept that I saw on TV.
So, the flow should be from the refrigerator to the stove to the sink.
Therefore, the coffee maker, which needs milk from the fridge, coffee from a canister next to the stove, and water from the sink, should be in the geometric heart of the triangle, which is right here.
Where do we plug it in? Yeah.
Yeah.
Um I will go into the basement.
I will drill a hole through the kitchen floor, install a decorative pipe, which we can paint to match the ceiling or the floor, run a cable up through the pipe, drill a hole through the center of the kitchen table, install an outlet.
Bam! We're making coffee! I think you've had enough coffee.
Uh, you know what? Um, why don't you go home and get some sleep? - I'm gonna need you for the long haul.
- Hmm? No! No, I'm fine.
I mean, I've got the time right now to do these things for you.
I just need to finish.
Yeah, you've done so much already.
I mean, we can't sit on the couch or use the kitchen.
I think that's a pretty good start.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
[EXHALES DEEPLY.]
Oh.
Where did these come from? Yeah, I found them in an ice pack in the freezer.
God.
So Mom was just hiding pills all over? Yeah.
I knew you'd be upset.
I was gonna throw them away, but I forgot where I put the trash can 'cause I mean, once something gets outside the triangle, it's it's [SCOFFS.]
I mean [CHUCKLES.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Can I help you? I'm Marcy Bellinger.
Can I speak with Dan Conner, please? I got this.
[DOOR SLAMS.]
You got a hell of a lot of nerve showing up here.
Please take that sign off of your truck.
No.
Everybody's seen it already.
You made your point.
They all hate me.
I can't eat.
I'm drinking myself to sleep.
I have to live with this for the rest of my life.
Isn't that enough for you? My wife's gone.
What do you think? Nobody can afford their meds.
We all help each other.
When Sally Benson needed LIPITOR for her husband's cholesterol, they got some from Maria Ramirez, and they gave her the anxiety meds she needed for her son because they dropped her insurance.
Rosie needed painkillers.
I had some, so I gave them to her.
So? You're part of a neighborhood drug ring.
Congratulations to you! You know what, Dan? You can judge.
But Roseanne called me.
She told me that her knee wasn't healing up fast enough and I was the only person she could turn to.
She said that she needed those pain pills to get back to work 'cause you guys were running out of money.
Don't you try to put this off on me.
You gave her the pills.
She took them.
She died! You killed her! Dad, stop.
We just found another stash in the freezer.
It's not just Marcy.
Mom was getting pills from lots of people.
I never would have given them to her if I knew she had a problem.
I know what it's like to to have that problem, so I just I'm sorry.
Darlene, can you drive Marcy home? Yeah.
You okay? I don't know.
Who am I supposed to be mad at now? I thought Marcy Bellinger was a pretty good choice, until she ruined it by being all sad and human and stuff.
How are you doing? Wish I would've known, you know? It wouldn't have mattered, baby.
She was gonna do what she was gonna do.
She never listened to a damn person in her life.
Well, she should've, you know? 'Cause I still need her.
I just want to call her and say, "How am I supposed to do all this?" Your mother once told me that everything you needed, she gave to you before you were 5.
I have no idea what that means.
Yeah, I never could figure it out, either.
Think it's something she got off a Snapple cap.
Man, she was stubborn.
[CHUCKLES.]
You know, I couldn't even get her to close her robe when she'd go out to get the paper in the morning, and it was the neighbor's paper.
You know what? The hell with it.
I'm still gonna blame Marcy.
Your mom would be proud of you.
There's no place for the corn holders.
They're not cooking tools.
They're not utensils.
I tried putting them with the jello molds.
That made no damn sense.
[SIGHS.]
It's okay, Aunt Jackie.
I just wanted to step in, you know? I just wanted to step in and pick up where Roseanne left off and give you guys everything that you need, but I'm just looking for things to do.
I'm packing and unpacking drawers.
Nothing belongs anywhere.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't even know where I belong.
I [CHUCKLES.]
I don't want to go home.
[VOICE BREAKING.]
I don't want to leave this house, 'cause 'cause I I don't want to leave her.
[CRYING.]
It's okay.
It's okay, Aunt Jackie.
You know what? It's hard for all of us, and you're just exhausted.
You just go home, okay? You come back tomorrow, and she'll still be here.
Okay? Yeah, but but you need help.
Oh, I'll be fine, you know.
And if you need anything tonight, you just call me, okay? Anytime.
Okay.
'Cause I just want to make sure that you're okay.
It hurts.
[SNIFFLES.]
I know, hon.
It's gonna hurt for a quite a while.
No, corn holders in my shoulder.
Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
Sorry.
[CORN HOLDERS CLATTER.]
Yeah.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
So I think I should go home.
Yeah, you know, D.
J.
took Grandma Bev home a while ago.
She's probably worried about you.
Well, that's never really been my experience.
DAN: Yo, Junior, come here.
What's up, Grandpa? Listen, my head wasn't in the game before, but now I'm gonna help you.
What's this? We're gonna list the best qualities of the two guys you're considering as a seat mate and compare.
Joey, Enrique.
Fill in the blanks.
"Joey is" Mostly depressed and kind of sarcastic.
"I like him because he" Wears black all the time.
I see a pattern emerging here.
Okay.
Same list for Enrique.
Sweet and funny, a robotics champ.
He's always fun.
Does his family have money? I don't know.
They go on vacation and come back with tans.
Florida people.
I love it.
Thank you, Grandpa.
This really helped.
Who's it gonna be? I like Joey.
Joey? Are you crazy?! Enrique's a keeper! You don't leave an Enrique on the table when he's available.
Still like Joey.
What's going on? Grandpa helped me pick a seat partner for the field trip.
He picked the dark, brooding one.
Ah, point for my team.
Trust me, Mark, being around dark and brooding gets old real quick.
Uh, how about growing up with a drama queen that thinks she's all that because she got boobs first? Who got boobs at all.
How about having two older sisters who suck all the air out of the room until you're practically invisible? Becky, did you hear something? No.
Harris, you hear anything? Don't drag me into your weird mind games.
Has anybody even noticed how much better the flow is between the refrigerator and the sink? I'm glad you called that to my attention.
I'll look now.
JACKIE: Anybody? - Did you notice it? - I did, actually.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]