The Cosmopolitans (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

Well, this is not bad.
You know, people kill to have this.
Plus You can even see the Seine from the view.
It's really amazing.
But can I still use the kitchen downstairs? No, no, the locataires, they are to arrive at any moment, and they have paid for the use of the entire apartment.
All I could do was nothing.
But you have the warm plate, boiling pot, water from the faucet.
Oh, my gosh, look.
- What? - I think it's her.
Who? Gold Coat Girl.
That pretty blonde.
- Yeah.
- Her coat's not gold.
Well, when we met her, she was wearing an amazing gold coat.
What was amazing? It was just incredibly stylish, and for a while, we didn't know her name, so she became Gold Coat Girl.
Vicky, hello.
Oh, hi, you're still here.
You haven't gone back to No, no, we live here.
We're Parisians.
Oh.
What's wrong with your friend? In a funk.
His girlfriend, Clémence, left him.
She dumped him.
Well, it was a breakup.
You guys have girlfriends with names like Clémence? Yeah, why wouldn't we? We live here.
We're Parisians.
You're Parisians.
Yeah, well, effectively, yes.
I mean, we're not living anywhere else.
Just teasing.
In a rush, bye.
You are "patetico".
I can't believe how you Anglo men let women push you around.
They're Anglo women.
No, women from all over the world push Anglo men around.
It's the open season on you now.
How many times has Clémence dumped you, 20, 30? No, nothing like that.
Maybe 16? 17? A European man would never put up with that.
Oh? There are no breakups in Italy? Yes, of course, but to put up with such women? They have a sixth sense about who they can push around.
With an American man, they know that they can get away with anything.
- That's known? - Yes, of course.
Anglo-American men are notorious milksops.
Well, yeah, it's notorious, but Clémence is worth some pain.
I could never be interested in a woman so skinny and dried out.
She's lovely, and not the sort of woman we'd normally even meet.
Hal managed to burrow himself deeply within the French beast.
What? He's infiltrated French society at its most resistant.
Few of us attempt or even accomplish that.
How did you and Clémence even meet? Through Fritz.
Fritz Becker? You can actually meet nice people through Fritz, - not just criminals.
- That's true.
It was three summers ago.
I was at a low point.
You're always at a low point.
No, but even lower.
It's one aspect of expatriate life rarely talked about, how lonely you can get.
I thought coming to Paris would be a snap, but then summer came, and everyone left.
It was horrible.
I'd completely forgotten what that feeling was like.
It's something you experience in childhood, and you never expect to again, a feeling of being hollowed out, a void inside which seems as if it'll never be filled.
Okay, so what happened with Fritz? Well, he suggested we meet at one of the Saint-Germain cafés which I'd have normally avoided as he's either impossibly late - or doesn't show up at all.
- Oh, brother, yeah.
But as I hadn't seen anyone in days, I let myself be tricked, although I brought plenty of work to keep busy during the inevitable wait.
There's no way to actually know how late Fritz is going to be, and, again, he'd lost his phone, and my number with it, so had no way to call.
It's so odd they could identify me.
- Oh, yeah? - What? Oh, come on.
You couldn't have been more of an expat cliché.
Turns out Fritz was in Versailles with some girl, said he'd be another hour, but told me to wait.
- Hello? - Typical.
I can't believe you put up with that ridiculous pipsqueak.
- He's not that bad.
- He is that bad.
So I left, but on the way home, did dawdle a bit.
To be honest, I wasn't anxious to get back to my place.
Clémence was in the bookstore? No.
Cooper! Cooper! Bastard, you didn't wait.
Come on, get in.
Ariel is ex-Mossad.
Wow.
Cool.
I'm sorry, I got tied up with a girl in Versailles and a problem with the babysitter.
Wait, wait, wait.
Tied up with a girl and a babysitter? In Versailles? This is getting interesting.
Isn't Fritz a little young to be dating women with children? Well, this matter of women with children, what a nuisance.
Why bother? No, I think it's great when women have kids.
That's crazy.
There are plenty of great women who don't have kids.
Why submit to torture? Arrête.
Arrête.
Stop.
Ariel, stop here.
What nerve.
It's not nerve.
Fritz is crazy.
Well, he did get her number and wound up dating her for a while.
So? Anyone can do that.
We were heading to a dinner party at his friend Rufo's villa in Nanterre.
There are villas in Nanterre? There are people named Rufo? Yes, there are.
Well, you know, now we are really lost.
We'd gotten completely lost in the Nanterre ghetto.
It's probably better to have an ex-Mossad driver in Jerusalem than Nanterre.
I'm thinking maybe I can borrow your phone so I can call them? You let Fritz borrow your phone? Oh, my gosh.
I brought my friend Hal.
You're all mothers, n'est-ce pas ? This is my friend Hal.
He's lonely and craves the company of maternal women.
Is that true, Hal? You crave our company? So you fell for Clémence right away? Pretty much.
Clémence had recently gotten divorced so had all kinds of sad stories to tell.
Come, sit here.
Oh, yeah, sad stories, Americans love those.
A lovely face and a sad story.
It's hard to resist.
- Yep.
- It can be very deceptive.
You're probably right.
Excuse me.
Is anything wrong? Is there anything we can do? I would suggest the Bordeaux.
What I'd really like is a sangria.
Oh, puke, no.
Why why not try "kir"? Chilled white wine with a bit of crème de cassis, a bit sweet, but not bad.
Merci.
Everything was wonderful until I got to Paris, then he found he couldn't write with anyone in the apartment.
- What's his name? - Frédéric.
Well, first he asked me to use the chambre de bonne during the day because he has such trouble concentrating.
I've had that, not being able to work when someone's in the apartment.
The problem is, I can't work when there's no one there, either.
Have you thought of getting a rabbit? No, but I'll consider it.
So you're just killing time until he finishes his writing day? No, not exactly.
When you say it was wonderful with Frédéric, when was that? No, no, no, she said it had been wonderful.
Okay, but when was that, the wonderful part, because I think I missed it.
In Miami.
We met at Art Basel.
Frédéric immediately wanted me to move to Paris to live with him.
I'd just broken up with my boyfriend, so getting away seemed like a good idea.
I think that's true.
When you have a serious breakup, putting the Atlantic ocean between you can be very helpful.
What about the Pacific? I don't know.
I haven't tried it.
Well, for weeks after I got here, we were like that, with me mostly upstairs, but still together.
Then this week, Frédéric said he'd be away several months, a project in Lyon, and subletting his apartment.
What, out of the blue? I asked if I could still use the kitchen since I'm taking the Escoffier course, but he said no.
"All I could do was nothing.
" What a creep.
He's not.
He's very nice.
Hal got dumped as well.
Now he just mopes around listening to Motown songs.
I wasn't dumped.
Frédéric just isn't used to living with anyone.
Clémence? I thought her breakup ethos was never to initiate contact, only the occasional humiliatingly laconic reply.
She was replying.
You wrote her? Yeah.
Sap.
Speaking of the devil.
Allô ? Yes, Fritz.
Ah.
Party tonight, 10:30.
Better, 11:00, maybe dessert.
Okay if we bring along a very pretty American girl? I can't get over that, always checking the phone.
There is phone reception in the Paris métro.
It's very advanced.
In Hal's defense, the first 15 or so breakups were because he wasn't as close to Clémence as she wanted him to be.
She used to be crazily in love with him.
That's what most of those breakups were about.
The problem with women who fall crazily in love is that they also fall crazily out of love.
That's why he always keeps checking his phone.
He can't accept that this Clémence who once loved him so can't stand him now.
Everything you've said about Fritz, I'm kind of scared.
Fritz Becker? He's a ridiculous pipsqueak.
Oh, my gosh.
Yes, it's terrifying.
- Bonsoir.
- Bonsoir, Fritz.
I didn't know you'd bring so many people.
We're not so many.
May I introduce Miss Aubrey Lee from Alabama.
Enchanté.
I'll take that.
Aubrey, isn't that a boy's name? Sometimes.
Sometimes.
Oh, my gosh, it's Gold Coat Girl.
She knows Fritz? - Who? - Gold Coat Girl.
Her coat's not gold.
Well, when we met her, she was wearing an amazing gold coat.
Vicky, bonsoir.
Oh, the Parisians.
Parigini.
You know Fritz? Yes.
This is our friend Aubrey.
She's just arrived.
No, I've been here six weeks.
Oh, so you're not yet Parisian.
That takes months.
- Are you Vicky Frazier? - Yes.
Talk later? Wow.
She's great.
What's great? You knew her name? Yeah, Vicky Frazier, she's really important, a fashion journalist.
You always imagine journalists being ugly because of the anger, but she's really attractive.
Oh, no.
Ugh, he's everywhere.
Everywhere we go, this guy's there, always surrounded by great women.
Tom le tombeur.
What's that? Tombeur? A heartbreaker.
Breaking hearts? That's terrible.
Well, it really just means playboy.
That's not good, either.
You see those guys? They're everywhere, always with some very pretty girl.
Elle est superbe.
Why'd you bring that guy? - Jimmy? - Of course not.
The italiano Sandro.
He was with us when you called.
It would have been awkward not to more awkward that you brought him.
Sandro's not a bad sort.
He sort of is a bad sort.
You know, he's not well regarded in Paris.
Being seen in his company isn't good for your reputation.
Not well regarded in Paris? If I were worried about my reputation, isn't it you I should avoid? No.
Oh, hello, might I get you something? I brought some champagne.
Yes, of course, I'm opening more.
Oh, my gosh, what an angel.
It's unbelievable.
French women are so beautiful.
- It's mind boggling.
- Who? That beautiful blonde.
She might look like an angel, but she's not one.
What do you mean? Nothing, just seemed fun to say.
Would you introduce me? Talk to her.
Actually, at Alliance Française, our prof has been teaching us some key phrases in very correct French.
That's what you are learning at Alliance, pick-up lines? Yes, yes.
We practice the puis-je form, which is considered very good French.
Le français soutenu.
Oh, the puis-je form.
That'll knock her socks off.
Puis-je.
How nice.
Where'd you learn that, Berlitz or Alliance Française? Alliance.
Vancouver.
She's not French.
Yes, knew that.
Well, why didn't you tell me? Where would the entertainment be in that? - Oh, I'm entertainment for you? - Oh, yes.
It's comical, the bigotry of France-obsessed yanks, adoring everything here while denigrating all from home.
She's not from home.
She's from Vancouver.
Camille, she married a French guy, but that fell apart.
Well, they're still in the same apartment but not together.
So many women we know here are like that.
It's as if they were all strangely prone to making bad choices.
- I know.
It's great.
- What? Well, if they are prone to making bad choices, there is hope for us.
If they weren't, what chance would we have? They'd be happily married in Connecticut, talking all the time about their boring kids.
Far better to have them here in Paris making bad choices for our delectation.
Oh, my gosh, who put that on? Do you know where the music is? The music? Yes, the song.
I need to change it.
- The song? - No, it's okay.
I like listening to it.
I had a lonely patch once, too.
Finally got out of it.
I'm not lonely.
How did you get out of it? Well, they say all you need is one friend.
Oh, yes, and I am that friend, and I'm about to do you one of the greatest favors a fellow has ever done another.
I feel responsible for putting you with Clémence, so I must free you from her.
I'm free.
You are the least free person imaginable, but I think I have the lever that will get you out of this rut.
Lever? Yes.
The lever is a lady.
You seem too young to have had two husbands.
In that world there are many young marriages, and often, they end early.
Which Paris hotel do you prefer? Hotel? Do you prefer, um, Le Bristol or George Cinq or la Plaza Athénée? I haven't actually stayed in any, but judging from the public areas, I'd say the Bristol is pretty great.
Pretty great? What does that mean? Is there an ugly great? It's a manner of speech.
The English language No, I don't think so.
I know the English language, and I think it's something you made up.
What was that? That felt like a job interview.
Yes, it was a very good job.
What do you mean? But you're not dating any of them? Oh, no, we just met.
Why? Well, "Loser" is kind of an ugly word, but aren't they old enough to have started putting things together, such as their lives? Did we really come all the way to Paris just to meet Albuquerque? Who's from Albuquerque? Well, isn't Jimmy from somewhere like that? San Diego or Phoenix? They're so local.
I'm from Alabama.
Well, in Alabama, people have roots, tradition, though it is sad about the civil war and you all losing so badly.
Do you have any ancestors who died in the war? Seven blood cousins.
That must've been sad.
Yet you're here now.
What I say is, all's well that ends well.
So you only date French men? Heavens, no.
Never.
You can't mope about Clémence forever.
Time to find another distraction.
Distraction? Justine has been divorced twice.
Now, she has a stable marriage, young children, a nice-guy husband, the fellow in the dyed black hair.
Why upset everything with a divorce and all the acrimony that goes with one? Justine hasn't just gone off on some tangent.
There must be some understanding.
Gosh, how decadent.
You'd turn that down, afternoons with a beautiful woman? I'm far too involved with Clémence.
That's too bad, because I don't think Clémence is involved with you.
I couldn't just plunge into some decadent affair.
It doesn't have to be decadent.
You could go hiking.
That's okay, I don't think she liked you anyway.
Oui, merci.
I am Phillipe.
- What's your name? - Aubrey.
Audrey.
That's a lovely name.
Aubrey.
Audrey, that's Audrey, like Audrey Hepburn.
You know, you resemble her.
Really, you think so? Surely everyone tells you so.
No, not really.
Not everyone.
Incredible.
Hey, you're going? Yeah.
No, man, don't go.
Things aren't that bad.
Things aren't that bad.
Come on.
Talk with some people, dance, drink.
Come on.
Talk with some people, dance, drink.
No, it's not that.
Clémence sent a text.
What? So the magical phone you're always looking into finally worked? Yeah.
She wanted me to come over to talk.
Oh, she wants to talk with you? Hmm.
After midnight, Saturday.
This Clémence is not bad.
- Good luck.
- Thanks.
The Opéra Bastille? No, that's a terrible concrete bunker.
No, I'm talking about the Opéra Garnier, you know, it's a beautiful belle époque palace.
It's at Place de L'Opéra.
Oh, yes, I've seen it, near the Starbucks.
But you must see the inside, which is extraordinary.
I have tickets for this week if you might want to come? All of them.
Jimmy.
I love that name, Jimmy Stewart.
There is a dance that goes with this song.
Might I show you it? Oh, I think I know it.
Would you like to dance? - You know the sambola? - Yeah.
What are you doing? What are they doing here? They'd like to come in, join the party.
No.
Ça va ? Bonsoir.
Why were they here? Calm down.
This is a party.
Women like this.
It makes them cheerful.
You cited drug dealers to my family's home? They're harmless.
I've dealt with them before.
You are out of your mind.
Oh, come on.
C'est pas grave.
No, c'est grave.
Go.
Get out! What? You were not invited.
I don't like you, and now you bring criminals to my family's home? Well, I don't like you, either, and I couldn't imagine how boring your party would be.
Go! Take your trash and leave! Come on, Fritz.
No, he must go.
I come as I wish.
I go as I wish.
But I don't obey commands of a ridiculous pipsqueak.
Thanks a lot.
No big deal.
No, no, it is a big deal.
We finally get to a good party and are beginning to meet great people, when some jerk thinks it's a good idea to call a drug dealer.
I didn't think it was a good idea.
It was more a compulsion.
I finally meet a terrific girl then haven't even the chance to get her number.
Yeah, that was stupid.
You should always get the number right away.
Won't the métro be closed by now? Oh, man, now we'll never get home.
What? Getting a taxi on Saturday night after the métro closes? What a whiner.
No wonder women can't stand you.
They hate that.
- Is that true? - What? Well, do you hate whiners? No.
In fact, I think I'm perversely attracted to them.
But it is a perversity.
Actually, I think Frédéric was a bit of a whiner.
When someone is in the apartment, I cannot concentrate.
What are you doing, praying for a cab? No, not a cab.