The Crazy Ones s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
- Okay, you'll be slated.
- We loved your tape.
You want to look right into the camera, bite that cookie.
Smile.
It is, like, the best cookie you have ever had.
Now, we're gonna ask you to do this a few times, you're probably gonna get full, so I'm gonna want you to spit in the bucket when you're starting to get full.
- Okay, so bite, smile, and spit.
- Spit.
- Just bite the cookie.
- Let's start with the smile.
Are you married to this look? Because - Take a bite of cookie.
- Big bite.
Mmm! You're gonna smile, okay? Oh, okay, and then Wait, no, no, not the dress.
So, bite, smile - Then spit.
- Yeah.
- Okay, so we can see your face.
- Bring it down.
- That'd be great, and chew it.
- Bring it down a little bit.
No, that's going up.
- All right, now spit.
- And spit! There's a bucket right there.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh Sydney, hey, listen.
Hi.
You know how I like to be conjugal on occasion.
Sometimes for the benefit of the agency, other times it's less philanthropic.
- Andrew knows.
- Don't involve me in this.
Last night I did some conjugating on behalf of the company.
She was present, I was perfect.
- It was all very progressive.
- Zach.
She works in account management at Chiat.
Nice girl, I think you'd quite like her.
- Zach.
- They met with McDonald's yesterday.
We're getting fired.
That's what today's meeting is about.
What? My father's in with them right now.
Actually, he's not.
I've been flashing them leg for 20 minutes.
I mean, that's assistant stuff, right? Part of my job? - It is.
- We all had to do it.
You ready to get serious? 'Cause this is gonna get serious now.
I'm gonna eat your little robot babies.
Ooh! Your kung fu is no good.
I could've been somebody.
Come on, bring it, gumby.
- Dad! - What? Honey, look.
I got him on the ropes.
Does he not look gassed? Come on, bring it! You didn't knock me down, Ray.
Whoa! You got knocked out by a girl! Dad? There is a roomful of McDonald's executives waiting for you, and you're playing with toys.
It's not a toy, it's an emotional surrogate.
And I'm not playing, I'm hiding.
The creature is here.
- Hannah Sharples is here? - Mm-hmm.
She's out during daylight, that can mean only one thing.
We're going to get fired.
No, we are not getting fired, okay? Look at me.
I love doing that.
Isn't she beautiful? You have your mother's eyes.
And her adorable captivating seriousness.
Do that thing that reminds me of her, please.
Just once, it's so cute.
It'll send me into the conference room with a little spring in my step.
I'm leaving you.
That's it, that's her.
I feel like I'm back in court Take half.
Hey, you know the authenticity pitch.
Indeed.
It sucks.
I want you to just go in there What? It does not suck! Yes, it does.
Little voice in my head told me it does.
And then this other voice took issue.
Then they all weighed in.
Now the vote stands at 23 to two.
It sucks.
Lauren, do not encourage him.
The pitch is fine, okay? It works.
I want you to walk in there I could walk.
I'm a good walker.
I can also amble, I could saunter, I could sashay.
I'm gonna go in there.
I'm gonna get it started, and you will not leave me hanging.
- Never.
- Okay.
What is your name? Wait, I know this one.
Simon Roberts.
The Simon Roberts.
You say it like that, I almost think I could be.
Why don't you take a minute? Just a minute.
Okay.
Okay.
Andrew, be ready with the artwork.
Zach, smile at anything that moves.
And maybe lose a layer.
If it goes badly, two.
- Lauren, you want to be a producer? - Yeah.
Produce my father in the conference room in 60 seconds.
And in the meantime, if you can - Inspire him.
- Okay.
Want to smell my hair? Excuse me? My grandmother told me that smelling a young woman's shampoo can be life-affirming.
Yeah, awaken romance and eternal whatever.
Want a whiff? For grandma.
She's right.
Our concept is real beef, real potatoes.
Excuse me, why are you pitching this? Because I'm the creative director of this agency.
You people are now officially wasting my time.
Where is your father? Good morning, everybody.
Welcome, clan McDonald's, ah.
Ooh, it looks like somebody had an unhappy meal.
Sit down, Simon.
I have something difficult to say.
Is it "rubber baby buggy bumpers"? 'Cause I always struggle with that one.
Although I have no problem with "Sally sells seashells by the seashore.
" Maybe it's because I identify with Sally as a salesperson.
You can't charm your way out of this one.
Really? - As charming as you used to be.
- Ooh aw.
"Used to be," past tense.
We have a past and now it's tense.
Authenticity - Real beef from real c - We're fired! Is that what you came to tell us? That's the rumor.
Zach sleeps around, he hears things.
He may have even slept with somebody here in this room.
Show of hands Who here has slept with Zach? You have a pitch for me, Simon? - I feel like I should.
- Uh, real cows with milk from udders.
My daughter.
Sometimes when I look at her, I still see my babycakes.
- My piglet.
- Dad.
Remember the first time I took you to Mickey D's? You were five.
Buck teeth and pigtails.
That was just on me Weird year.
- Maybe we should take five minutes.
- Those were simpler times.
I was flat broke.
But I still had enough money to buy her a happy meal.
Made me look like a king to her.
I miss those times.
- I think we need a little break.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we do.
This is a McDonald's spot from 1972.
Zach, my man, help me out.
So much life to be lived So much life to be lived.
Are you kidding me? So much to be tried Oh, so much to be tried.
And when you share it - And when you share it - Are you gonna stop this? you get A special feeling inside a special feeling inside.
What if we take those lyrics and upgrade the images? Combine that with the right voice.
You know? Someone wholesome, someone incredible - Someone getable? - Someone famous.
- Someone available.
- The refrain from that 1972 spot was "You Deserve a Break Today.
" And today people really need a break.
Food is one thing, Hannah.
But a moment together with family is everything.
Human connection.
Look at each other in the eye.
Those special moments that are so gone.
So missed.
I propose we redo that 1972 spot and take a chance on making people feel.
You know how I feel right now? Like a guy who's gonna sell an ass-load of hamburgers and some reasonably-sized soft drinks.
Fine.
- Get me that voice.
- Perfect.
By tomorrow.
Even better.
Well, if she got on a 6:00 out of Atlanta, then she would be here about Okay, well, who is handling this? Because I was told you were the handler.
Shakira's people they're bilingual.
So I'm being denied in two different languages.
We're screwed Jennifer Lopez wants to be paid in diamonds, Mariah's at an ashram, Adele's British, and Pink threatened me.
- How we doing, kids? - How we doing? - Yeah.
- You over-promised.
If you had just pitched them the authenticity campaign - They would've fired us.
- Who knows? - You could've sold them on it.
- I did sell them on it.
By over-promising something that we can't possibly deliver.
I always deliver.
Remember that baby hippo at the zoo? Maybe that was a dream.
Either way, I was in my underwear.
Dad, this is not something that you do to a partner.
My name is on the door now.
Really? I thought that was my name twice.
Lauren? Honey We didn't get fired, did we? We kept the account, did we not? We kept it temporarily.
- Temporarily.
- Conditionally on the promise of delivering this big, musical icon.
And last time I checked, icons don't like to sing about meat.
That is so not true.
- "Meat Me in St.
Louis.
" - That's, uh, Judy Garland.
- "Until We Meat Again.
" - Diana Ross.
- "Meat the Flintstones.
" - Wilma, ba-bam-bam! Can you be serious? Well, maybe for a second.
No, see? Sorry.
Dad, McDonald's is our biggest client.
If we lose them what are we gonna do? Well, for starters, I'm having drinks with Kelly Clarkson.
You remember her, don't you, honey? I mean, big voice, super famous, America's sweetheart.
She's in Chicago.
I'm off to see her.
What are you going to say to her? I don't know, I just know what I'd tell myself.
Which is what? Leap and the net shall appear.
Although to be safe I'm gonna need some meat.
Zach Yes! He leaps and gets Kelly Clarkson.
Yeah! You're a troublemaker, you're a troublemaker You want me to sing about meat? - No.
- No, no, please.
Not just Not just meat.
- I mean, it's about family.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's about people connecting.
- Mm-hmm.
And fries.
They also make great shakes.
Yeah, the problem is, boys, I don't do jingles.
Well, uh, you know, there's a lot of things that I find - distasteful - And yet he does them for the good of the team.
Sometimes just because it's Saturday.
- Mr.
Roberts - Please, Simon.
- And Zach, right? - Zachary.
You're looking to remake your brand.
Mm-hmm.
I'm looking to remake mine.
Rebranding, perfect.
- That's what we do.
- No one does it better.
- See, the old Kelly - Oh, please, "classic" Kelly.
Kelly "classic.
" Whatever, I want to sing about sex.
- Whoa.
- Whoa, perfect, uh I want to change my image.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- So I'll do your commercial.
- But I want to sing about sex.
- She wants to sing about sex.
Whoa.
- Okeydokey.
- Great.
I We love sex.
It's my favorite, and We just need to come up with a meat-related sex song.
For a family restaurant, I mean, how hard could that be really? I mean, uh, it almost writes itself.
I mean, you think of, like, warm buns, a hamburger patty, you know, "I pat my patty.
" How about, like, a pickle? Oh, stick a pickle in the bun Now the fun's begun Boss Ah-ah Secret sauce Mm, ah-ah Drive-through loving Drive-through loving, baby Drive-through Hot bag of love Drive-through loving, baby Open the window Drive-through Here you go Thank you Come again Drive-through, drive-through I will packet of ketchup now It's not enough ketchup That's not enough ketchup Oh, my gosh, are-are you planning on writing this whole song right now? No, no, we're just spitballing.
I mean, the final version will be even more polished.
I'll pick the song.
- Hmm - Ooh We are so fine with that.
- Perfect.
- Mm-hmm.
Where's Sydney? What? We still got it, you handsome son of a bitch, yeah.
Look at you before rehab and two marriages, all full of hope and everything, yeah.
Who's got the lightbulb now, my man? Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
- Dad? - Huh? You okay? Everything's great, honey.
Kelly's in.
Deal's almost done.
Just a couple of major/minor details, but she'll be here tomorrow.
- He got her.
He got Kelly Clarkson.
- What major/minor details? Ah, yeah It ain't the meat, it's the motion That makes your daddy want to rock That's right It ain't the meat, it's the motion It's the movement that gives it the stock I don't understand.
He's singing with her.
How does that happen? Just explain that to me.
He's Zachary.
He's singing lead, too.
Hey, Syd.
Um Hi, Andy.
What's Zach doing in there? And what are they singing? She's wrapped all around me like a rubber band, baby Yeah, it ain't the meat, it's the motion This is a sex song.
I know.
Isn't it fantastic? No! Wha-what happened to "You Deserve a Break"? She didn't want to do it.
We're rebranding.
- This is the new Kelly.
- Hannah's never gonna go for this.
It's all I could get.
- What is Zach doing?! - He's fluffing, he's flirting.
We're gonna pivot her into the right song.
It's a Hail Mary.
What can I say? Oh, my God.
But I like to see 'em big and tall The bigger they come, the harder they fall We're gonna have to sanitize that whole area.
Dad, where is the pivot? - Wait for it.
- How much longer? Oh, my God.
I'm about to watch America's sweetheart orgasm in front of my father.
It's the movement that gives it the stock Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Okay, can we stop? Uh, whoa! That's my cue.
- Showtime! - Oh.
That's-that's-that's too hot.
You can't be singing that.
It's just way, way too, too Look, this, quite frankly, would have worked with classic Kelly.
Yeah, it was sneaky sexy.
- But this new you is super sexy - Ooh! Sss! And you combine it with a song like that Yeah, you woke up the puppet.
- I was, like, "whoo!" - Hello! It's too much.
It's like piling sex on top of sex.
Yeah, when you have that much sex, you just got to tone it back.
We need to filter out the sex.
Is there some sort of a sexy filter, hmm? No sexy filter.
A phallic fader? - Nope.
- Vulva valve? - No! - Okay.
Well, you know, what if we did, um, like, "drive-through" Drive-through loving Drive, drive-through loving Open the window Warm bag of love, raise a glove Can I have some ketchup and Come again Thank you very much - I don't think Kelly's going for that.
- No, doesn't seem like No.
What if we went this is crazy in the opposite direction - Mm-hmm.
- uh, and just Like an unsexy song.
Yeah, like something completely unsexy.
- Like, off the top of my head.
- Like what? - "You Deserve a Break Today"? - Oh, no, that's too unsexy.
That's like a vasectomy with a melody.
No, that's - Wait is it too unsexy for - New Kelly? Nothing's too unsexy for the new Kelly.
Guys, I know what you're doing.
- Really? We don't.
- No idea.
You want me to sing "You Deserve a Break Today.
" You're trying to pivot me.
Wait A pivot's an actual thing? - It's an actual thing.
- Oh.
I hate being pivoted.
And I don't do jingles.
Thanks for coming in, Kelly! McDonald's is 60% of our business.
If we lose them, it's gonna hurt.
So close, you know? I just thought if I got her in the building, got her going By letting her sing "It ain't the meat"? Which worked.
It was the pivot that failed.
I leaped.
There was just no net.
Maybe it's time to stop leaping.
Aw, come on.
These awards didn't win themselves.
Hmm.
How much you think a Cleo goes for on eBay? Dad? It is over, little one.
You must treat this like a cleansing fire.
You will rebuild from the ashes.
And I, like a tribal elder, shall climb onto the ice floe and drift to my death in the arctic night.
It is a good thing.
It will be a circle of life.
I was so hoping this would work for us.
Us? Sorry, baby.
Girl just don't do jingles.
I might have to sell my robot.
What do you mean, it's not a jingle? I mean, it's not.
It's a song.
"You Deserve a Break"? Yes! It's a wonderful song about family.
Oh, you mean like the one I'm trying to hang out with right now? Again, sorry about your party, Trish.
- She's pulling up a chair.
- Sorry.
Okay, see, I don't do jingles.
I keep telling people this.
No one listens.
Kelly, the reason that I went into advertising, besides my father, was the Apple commercial of 1987.
Do you know who was featured in that spot? No.
Gandhi, John Lennon, Martin Luther King Jr.
, Picasso.
Did they get paid for that? That's beside the point.
But the spot, "The Crazy Ones"? When Apple made it, they didn't even have a product to sell.
They were promoting an idea, and so are we.
The idea of bringing people together.
Look at this.
I'm asking you to sell this.
Okay, so this "jingle," as you like to call it, if sung correctly, it can move people.
Make them feel this.
Show me.
Excuse me? Sing it for me.
Make us feel.
Here? You've got ten seconds.
Right, I'm not a singer.
Okay, but go ahead and get on up, do it anyway.
Okay.
So much life to be lived I can't hear you.
Of course, yeah.
Um So many reasons to try If you want me to sell it, you got to sell it.
And when you share it, you get Burn that diaphragm.
Come on! And when you share it, you get The special feeling inside That's Kelly Clarkson.
You gonna drink that? So much life to be lived So much to be tried You did this.
Tell me how.
You showed me.
I just took a big leap.
And the net appeared.
You're my net, you know.
You always appear.
I think I was even a little crazy.
I'm nuts.
Who knew? So get up and get away Oh, yeah-eh-eh Today-ay-ay The ghost that haunts us both.
You're still that guy, dad.
Yeah.
I'm thinking of painting over it and putting your face up there.
You do, and my next leap's gonna be right out the window.
Oh.
Just to let you know, I'm changing it from Roberts and Roberts to Roberts and Roberts.
- Are you now? - Mm.
Catchy.
After you.
I insist.
Drive-through loving Drive-through loving Drive-through loving, baby Open the window for a hot bag of love! Ooh! Thank you very much Come again Booty shake, booty shake, booty shake More ketchup, please, more ketchup You didn't give me enough Packets Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
Money shot, money shot, money shot I'm so sorry! He went!
- We loved your tape.
You want to look right into the camera, bite that cookie.
Smile.
It is, like, the best cookie you have ever had.
Now, we're gonna ask you to do this a few times, you're probably gonna get full, so I'm gonna want you to spit in the bucket when you're starting to get full.
- Okay, so bite, smile, and spit.
- Spit.
- Just bite the cookie.
- Let's start with the smile.
Are you married to this look? Because - Take a bite of cookie.
- Big bite.
Mmm! You're gonna smile, okay? Oh, okay, and then Wait, no, no, not the dress.
So, bite, smile - Then spit.
- Yeah.
- Okay, so we can see your face.
- Bring it down.
- That'd be great, and chew it.
- Bring it down a little bit.
No, that's going up.
- All right, now spit.
- And spit! There's a bucket right there.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh Sydney, hey, listen.
Hi.
You know how I like to be conjugal on occasion.
Sometimes for the benefit of the agency, other times it's less philanthropic.
- Andrew knows.
- Don't involve me in this.
Last night I did some conjugating on behalf of the company.
She was present, I was perfect.
- It was all very progressive.
- Zach.
She works in account management at Chiat.
Nice girl, I think you'd quite like her.
- Zach.
- They met with McDonald's yesterday.
We're getting fired.
That's what today's meeting is about.
What? My father's in with them right now.
Actually, he's not.
I've been flashing them leg for 20 minutes.
I mean, that's assistant stuff, right? Part of my job? - It is.
- We all had to do it.
You ready to get serious? 'Cause this is gonna get serious now.
I'm gonna eat your little robot babies.
Ooh! Your kung fu is no good.
I could've been somebody.
Come on, bring it, gumby.
- Dad! - What? Honey, look.
I got him on the ropes.
Does he not look gassed? Come on, bring it! You didn't knock me down, Ray.
Whoa! You got knocked out by a girl! Dad? There is a roomful of McDonald's executives waiting for you, and you're playing with toys.
It's not a toy, it's an emotional surrogate.
And I'm not playing, I'm hiding.
The creature is here.
- Hannah Sharples is here? - Mm-hmm.
She's out during daylight, that can mean only one thing.
We're going to get fired.
No, we are not getting fired, okay? Look at me.
I love doing that.
Isn't she beautiful? You have your mother's eyes.
And her adorable captivating seriousness.
Do that thing that reminds me of her, please.
Just once, it's so cute.
It'll send me into the conference room with a little spring in my step.
I'm leaving you.
That's it, that's her.
I feel like I'm back in court Take half.
Hey, you know the authenticity pitch.
Indeed.
It sucks.
I want you to just go in there What? It does not suck! Yes, it does.
Little voice in my head told me it does.
And then this other voice took issue.
Then they all weighed in.
Now the vote stands at 23 to two.
It sucks.
Lauren, do not encourage him.
The pitch is fine, okay? It works.
I want you to walk in there I could walk.
I'm a good walker.
I can also amble, I could saunter, I could sashay.
I'm gonna go in there.
I'm gonna get it started, and you will not leave me hanging.
- Never.
- Okay.
What is your name? Wait, I know this one.
Simon Roberts.
The Simon Roberts.
You say it like that, I almost think I could be.
Why don't you take a minute? Just a minute.
Okay.
Okay.
Andrew, be ready with the artwork.
Zach, smile at anything that moves.
And maybe lose a layer.
If it goes badly, two.
- Lauren, you want to be a producer? - Yeah.
Produce my father in the conference room in 60 seconds.
And in the meantime, if you can - Inspire him.
- Okay.
Want to smell my hair? Excuse me? My grandmother told me that smelling a young woman's shampoo can be life-affirming.
Yeah, awaken romance and eternal whatever.
Want a whiff? For grandma.
She's right.
Our concept is real beef, real potatoes.
Excuse me, why are you pitching this? Because I'm the creative director of this agency.
You people are now officially wasting my time.
Where is your father? Good morning, everybody.
Welcome, clan McDonald's, ah.
Ooh, it looks like somebody had an unhappy meal.
Sit down, Simon.
I have something difficult to say.
Is it "rubber baby buggy bumpers"? 'Cause I always struggle with that one.
Although I have no problem with "Sally sells seashells by the seashore.
" Maybe it's because I identify with Sally as a salesperson.
You can't charm your way out of this one.
Really? - As charming as you used to be.
- Ooh aw.
"Used to be," past tense.
We have a past and now it's tense.
Authenticity - Real beef from real c - We're fired! Is that what you came to tell us? That's the rumor.
Zach sleeps around, he hears things.
He may have even slept with somebody here in this room.
Show of hands Who here has slept with Zach? You have a pitch for me, Simon? - I feel like I should.
- Uh, real cows with milk from udders.
My daughter.
Sometimes when I look at her, I still see my babycakes.
- My piglet.
- Dad.
Remember the first time I took you to Mickey D's? You were five.
Buck teeth and pigtails.
That was just on me Weird year.
- Maybe we should take five minutes.
- Those were simpler times.
I was flat broke.
But I still had enough money to buy her a happy meal.
Made me look like a king to her.
I miss those times.
- I think we need a little break.
- Yeah.
Yeah, we do.
This is a McDonald's spot from 1972.
Zach, my man, help me out.
So much life to be lived So much life to be lived.
Are you kidding me? So much to be tried Oh, so much to be tried.
And when you share it - And when you share it - Are you gonna stop this? you get A special feeling inside a special feeling inside.
What if we take those lyrics and upgrade the images? Combine that with the right voice.
You know? Someone wholesome, someone incredible - Someone getable? - Someone famous.
- Someone available.
- The refrain from that 1972 spot was "You Deserve a Break Today.
" And today people really need a break.
Food is one thing, Hannah.
But a moment together with family is everything.
Human connection.
Look at each other in the eye.
Those special moments that are so gone.
So missed.
I propose we redo that 1972 spot and take a chance on making people feel.
You know how I feel right now? Like a guy who's gonna sell an ass-load of hamburgers and some reasonably-sized soft drinks.
Fine.
- Get me that voice.
- Perfect.
By tomorrow.
Even better.
Well, if she got on a 6:00 out of Atlanta, then she would be here about Okay, well, who is handling this? Because I was told you were the handler.
Shakira's people they're bilingual.
So I'm being denied in two different languages.
We're screwed Jennifer Lopez wants to be paid in diamonds, Mariah's at an ashram, Adele's British, and Pink threatened me.
- How we doing, kids? - How we doing? - Yeah.
- You over-promised.
If you had just pitched them the authenticity campaign - They would've fired us.
- Who knows? - You could've sold them on it.
- I did sell them on it.
By over-promising something that we can't possibly deliver.
I always deliver.
Remember that baby hippo at the zoo? Maybe that was a dream.
Either way, I was in my underwear.
Dad, this is not something that you do to a partner.
My name is on the door now.
Really? I thought that was my name twice.
Lauren? Honey We didn't get fired, did we? We kept the account, did we not? We kept it temporarily.
- Temporarily.
- Conditionally on the promise of delivering this big, musical icon.
And last time I checked, icons don't like to sing about meat.
That is so not true.
- "Meat Me in St.
Louis.
" - That's, uh, Judy Garland.
- "Until We Meat Again.
" - Diana Ross.
- "Meat the Flintstones.
" - Wilma, ba-bam-bam! Can you be serious? Well, maybe for a second.
No, see? Sorry.
Dad, McDonald's is our biggest client.
If we lose them what are we gonna do? Well, for starters, I'm having drinks with Kelly Clarkson.
You remember her, don't you, honey? I mean, big voice, super famous, America's sweetheart.
She's in Chicago.
I'm off to see her.
What are you going to say to her? I don't know, I just know what I'd tell myself.
Which is what? Leap and the net shall appear.
Although to be safe I'm gonna need some meat.
Zach Yes! He leaps and gets Kelly Clarkson.
Yeah! You're a troublemaker, you're a troublemaker You want me to sing about meat? - No.
- No, no, please.
Not just Not just meat.
- I mean, it's about family.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's about people connecting.
- Mm-hmm.
And fries.
They also make great shakes.
Yeah, the problem is, boys, I don't do jingles.
Well, uh, you know, there's a lot of things that I find - distasteful - And yet he does them for the good of the team.
Sometimes just because it's Saturday.
- Mr.
Roberts - Please, Simon.
- And Zach, right? - Zachary.
You're looking to remake your brand.
Mm-hmm.
I'm looking to remake mine.
Rebranding, perfect.
- That's what we do.
- No one does it better.
- See, the old Kelly - Oh, please, "classic" Kelly.
Kelly "classic.
" Whatever, I want to sing about sex.
- Whoa.
- Whoa, perfect, uh I want to change my image.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- So I'll do your commercial.
- But I want to sing about sex.
- She wants to sing about sex.
Whoa.
- Okeydokey.
- Great.
I We love sex.
It's my favorite, and We just need to come up with a meat-related sex song.
For a family restaurant, I mean, how hard could that be really? I mean, uh, it almost writes itself.
I mean, you think of, like, warm buns, a hamburger patty, you know, "I pat my patty.
" How about, like, a pickle? Oh, stick a pickle in the bun Now the fun's begun Boss Ah-ah Secret sauce Mm, ah-ah Drive-through loving Drive-through loving, baby Drive-through Hot bag of love Drive-through loving, baby Open the window Drive-through Here you go Thank you Come again Drive-through, drive-through I will packet of ketchup now It's not enough ketchup That's not enough ketchup Oh, my gosh, are-are you planning on writing this whole song right now? No, no, we're just spitballing.
I mean, the final version will be even more polished.
I'll pick the song.
- Hmm - Ooh We are so fine with that.
- Perfect.
- Mm-hmm.
Where's Sydney? What? We still got it, you handsome son of a bitch, yeah.
Look at you before rehab and two marriages, all full of hope and everything, yeah.
Who's got the lightbulb now, my man? Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
- Dad? - Huh? You okay? Everything's great, honey.
Kelly's in.
Deal's almost done.
Just a couple of major/minor details, but she'll be here tomorrow.
- He got her.
He got Kelly Clarkson.
- What major/minor details? Ah, yeah It ain't the meat, it's the motion That makes your daddy want to rock That's right It ain't the meat, it's the motion It's the movement that gives it the stock I don't understand.
He's singing with her.
How does that happen? Just explain that to me.
He's Zachary.
He's singing lead, too.
Hey, Syd.
Um Hi, Andy.
What's Zach doing in there? And what are they singing? She's wrapped all around me like a rubber band, baby Yeah, it ain't the meat, it's the motion This is a sex song.
I know.
Isn't it fantastic? No! Wha-what happened to "You Deserve a Break"? She didn't want to do it.
We're rebranding.
- This is the new Kelly.
- Hannah's never gonna go for this.
It's all I could get.
- What is Zach doing?! - He's fluffing, he's flirting.
We're gonna pivot her into the right song.
It's a Hail Mary.
What can I say? Oh, my God.
But I like to see 'em big and tall The bigger they come, the harder they fall We're gonna have to sanitize that whole area.
Dad, where is the pivot? - Wait for it.
- How much longer? Oh, my God.
I'm about to watch America's sweetheart orgasm in front of my father.
It's the movement that gives it the stock Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Okay, can we stop? Uh, whoa! That's my cue.
- Showtime! - Oh.
That's-that's-that's too hot.
You can't be singing that.
It's just way, way too, too Look, this, quite frankly, would have worked with classic Kelly.
Yeah, it was sneaky sexy.
- But this new you is super sexy - Ooh! Sss! And you combine it with a song like that Yeah, you woke up the puppet.
- I was, like, "whoo!" - Hello! It's too much.
It's like piling sex on top of sex.
Yeah, when you have that much sex, you just got to tone it back.
We need to filter out the sex.
Is there some sort of a sexy filter, hmm? No sexy filter.
A phallic fader? - Nope.
- Vulva valve? - No! - Okay.
Well, you know, what if we did, um, like, "drive-through" Drive-through loving Drive, drive-through loving Open the window Warm bag of love, raise a glove Can I have some ketchup and Come again Thank you very much - I don't think Kelly's going for that.
- No, doesn't seem like No.
What if we went this is crazy in the opposite direction - Mm-hmm.
- uh, and just Like an unsexy song.
Yeah, like something completely unsexy.
- Like, off the top of my head.
- Like what? - "You Deserve a Break Today"? - Oh, no, that's too unsexy.
That's like a vasectomy with a melody.
No, that's - Wait is it too unsexy for - New Kelly? Nothing's too unsexy for the new Kelly.
Guys, I know what you're doing.
- Really? We don't.
- No idea.
You want me to sing "You Deserve a Break Today.
" You're trying to pivot me.
Wait A pivot's an actual thing? - It's an actual thing.
- Oh.
I hate being pivoted.
And I don't do jingles.
Thanks for coming in, Kelly! McDonald's is 60% of our business.
If we lose them, it's gonna hurt.
So close, you know? I just thought if I got her in the building, got her going By letting her sing "It ain't the meat"? Which worked.
It was the pivot that failed.
I leaped.
There was just no net.
Maybe it's time to stop leaping.
Aw, come on.
These awards didn't win themselves.
Hmm.
How much you think a Cleo goes for on eBay? Dad? It is over, little one.
You must treat this like a cleansing fire.
You will rebuild from the ashes.
And I, like a tribal elder, shall climb onto the ice floe and drift to my death in the arctic night.
It is a good thing.
It will be a circle of life.
I was so hoping this would work for us.
Us? Sorry, baby.
Girl just don't do jingles.
I might have to sell my robot.
What do you mean, it's not a jingle? I mean, it's not.
It's a song.
"You Deserve a Break"? Yes! It's a wonderful song about family.
Oh, you mean like the one I'm trying to hang out with right now? Again, sorry about your party, Trish.
- She's pulling up a chair.
- Sorry.
Okay, see, I don't do jingles.
I keep telling people this.
No one listens.
Kelly, the reason that I went into advertising, besides my father, was the Apple commercial of 1987.
Do you know who was featured in that spot? No.
Gandhi, John Lennon, Martin Luther King Jr.
, Picasso.
Did they get paid for that? That's beside the point.
But the spot, "The Crazy Ones"? When Apple made it, they didn't even have a product to sell.
They were promoting an idea, and so are we.
The idea of bringing people together.
Look at this.
I'm asking you to sell this.
Okay, so this "jingle," as you like to call it, if sung correctly, it can move people.
Make them feel this.
Show me.
Excuse me? Sing it for me.
Make us feel.
Here? You've got ten seconds.
Right, I'm not a singer.
Okay, but go ahead and get on up, do it anyway.
Okay.
So much life to be lived I can't hear you.
Of course, yeah.
Um So many reasons to try If you want me to sell it, you got to sell it.
And when you share it, you get Burn that diaphragm.
Come on! And when you share it, you get The special feeling inside That's Kelly Clarkson.
You gonna drink that? So much life to be lived So much to be tried You did this.
Tell me how.
You showed me.
I just took a big leap.
And the net appeared.
You're my net, you know.
You always appear.
I think I was even a little crazy.
I'm nuts.
Who knew? So get up and get away Oh, yeah-eh-eh Today-ay-ay The ghost that haunts us both.
You're still that guy, dad.
Yeah.
I'm thinking of painting over it and putting your face up there.
You do, and my next leap's gonna be right out the window.
Oh.
Just to let you know, I'm changing it from Roberts and Roberts to Roberts and Roberts.
- Are you now? - Mm.
Catchy.
After you.
I insist.
Drive-through loving Drive-through loving Drive-through loving, baby Open the window for a hot bag of love! Ooh! Thank you very much Come again Booty shake, booty shake, booty shake More ketchup, please, more ketchup You didn't give me enough Packets Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
Money shot, money shot, money shot I'm so sorry! He went!