The Divorce (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

1 (Engine revs) (Phone rings) It's coming.
(Engine pops) (Low chatter) (Music drowns out kitchen chatter) (Woman) I need some more bread please Is this her? That's her.
But she's saving little children, Alfie.
Since when did you start channelling Mother Teresa? Who? (Wood creaks) (Police radio chatter) Dear, oh, dear.
30 over.
Oh.
(Chuckles) Apologies, Officer.
Is there a Sicilian wedding happening that I don't know about? OK.
I'm sure it's nearly here.
Oh! (Chuckles) - Here it is.
- - Oh! - Don't stop till you get there! (Engine pops) Hey, you're late.
Oh.
Well, getting my car up the street I mean, she's basically going backwards.
I don't want to hear it.
Are those hydrangeas? They don't want hydrangeas.
Oh, I just thought just everything had to be white.
- And no hydrangeas.
- Well, does it matter? Yes, it matters.
It has to be perfect for them.
Just sign where it says 'bouquet'.
'Bouquet' doesn't have a 'K'.
OK, so there's one bar in there.
Be careful with that.
And up here on the left, that's the main bar.
You can start by polishing the glasses.
Nice, Jed, but I suggest pants.
Caroline, - if you see me with that woman who - Oi! did that thing last time - whatchamacallit, rescue me.
- Of course I will.
- There aren't gonna be any hydrangeas.
- Of course there aren't.
And you can stop staring.
He is human.
Yeah.
- Adieu? - Too lyrical.
- Farewell.
- Too pompous.
- Until next time.
Hm? - Euphemistic.
Just a simple Goodbye, my love Goodbye, my lover In an hour we are free I'll be free of your belligerence - I'll be free of all your moods - Your ego Your relentless search for imperfection - Your cynicism - Your social insatiability Your ghastly jokes Your tendency to drink Your need to win every argument - How you finish all my Grrr! - Sentences.
- Your obstinacy - Your untidiness Your moral flexibility Your book club Your self-righteousness - Your Renault - Your culinary snobbery (Both) Even great love requires Sharp punctuation To love and to honour was a romantic ideal In youth it's unseemly to be pragmatic In age it's unseemly to be starry eyed Let us give thanks for the love we shared Let us give thanks for the love we shared A beautiful union, a beautiful union A beautiful union, a beautiful union And even greater, thanks that At last it's over.
(All) They had it all They had perfection And now they celebrate Their defection Years, money, taste They relegate to history What an intolerable waste Of love, passion and mystery Ah, oh What if they find When all is said and done That any form of two is better - Than the cold still certainty - - Of one - Divorce, divorce - Divorce! (Party chatter, jazz music plays) (Muffled music) We shared wild times, my dearest Iris.
(Scoffs) Muktananda? - The Rolling Stones? - Corfu and Prague.
- Hm.
The yoga fad.
- (Scoffs) IVF.
- Finding Shaggy.
- Hmm.
This house.
- The grapes.
- (Tyres crunch on gravel) (Gasps) That might be William.
I wish you nothing but the best, my love.
- And I have him.
William com - Please don't say 'completes me'.
- He makes me my best - Please don't say 'my best self'.
- Stable and loving.
- (Blows raspberries) Dullsville.
Solid and reliable.
(Chuckles) A telephone pole.
An absolute tiger in bed.
Not everybody wants a tiger all the time.
You will find another love as well.
I am completely inured to feminine charms.
There isn't a woman on the planet that I'm interested in.
Dearest Jed, we had a great love.
Now, with a wonderful party, we dismantle it.
The roses are blooming The champagne is chilling (Sighs) The Pinot is breathing The harpist is tuning The pigs are rotating The DJ's unpacking The pebbles are raked The candles are flickering The cutlery's gleaming - (Clattering) - Shit! The sous chef is swearing The stars are twinkling The moon is relaxing The party begins.
(Party chatter, music plays softly) - Hello.
- (Guests) Long time no see Let's talk about me My outfit's too tight.
What a strange kind of night You've lost so much weight.
Well, the Paleo's great I love your new look.
God, I've still got your book They've got such a nerve.
Doll, let's get some Veuve Greetings, bonsoir.
What fabulous bling Haven't seen you for eons.
Not since that thing So much to catch up on You're over pneumonia? Bayreuth was blissful.
What of Patagonia? My God, Jed's a perve.
I'm craving some Veuve.
(Sighs) Can you believe it's been ten years? You have been such a loyal assistant.
I have loved every minute.
You know I'd keep you on, but in selling the estate, - we just have no need - I understand, Iris.
What will you do, Caroline? Well, I'd like to work for UNESCO, saving kids from death, disease, exploitation.
But I expect I'll end up working at Bakers Delight.
What you need is a rich husband.
By all means, take mine.
(Chuckles) (Iris and Caroline) To stay, to leave To rest, to reach To be loyal or cavalier Or free Itinerant - (Iris) Itinerant - On the move On the move To treasure what we hold.
Where we are anchored Or claim what we glimpse on other seas - (Both) Distant outlines - (Iris) Of other ships Or the sea just out of view (Both) The currents pushing us one way The tides Pushing us another There is no guide - No muse - (Caroline) No chart (Both) Just some internal scout That cries, 'Look North An unclaimed ocean' And turns our eyes to that horizon And so we set sail We sail (Tyres crunch on gravel) (Party chatter, soft music) She owes us 40 grand, but what I'm thinking Too low.
This chick holds the keys to a kingdom.
40 grand is probably what they spend a week on the ironing.
What are talking about the ironing for? Oh, it's just that I do all the ironing at home.
I'd like to send it out, but it's too expensive.
- You do the ironing? - Well, Emma cooks.
So she's We up the stakes.
Yeah.
(Guests) Still, it's a party No matter what one might think There is no event that's not improved by a drink It's a party Company, canapes, drink.
- (Grunts) - (Glass shatters) Aargh! I was not meant to pirouette in a penguin suit Proffering canapes to the beau monde I'm too talented and too astute My destiny's been cruelly conned This crowd are merely dilettantes An easy life is their refrain While, I, an artist, any fool can see Must dance to their demeaning bourgeois tunes I'm an artist.
I'm an artist Toby Savage, you are an artist Toby Savage, look at you now At 15 bucks an hour.
Peddling mini carrots Selling trays of caviar and tiny blinis When artists should inhabit grungy garrets Not ply the filthy rich with gin martinis My last chance to change the course of fate Jed Fielding Art critic, legend, frequent Tweeter If he declared my oeuvre great My destiny could not be sweeter A brilliant talent A luminous host Tonight, the stars are all aligned A brief encounter Two minutes at the most He'll see my art is alive Profound, refined That's it, enough! Tonight my fortunes change Or else I sacrifice my true convictions And dedicate my life from this point on To prancing in and out (Groans) Prancing in and out Of kitchens.
(Jazz music plays) There's something so callous, celebrating the death of love.
(Man) Divorce.
It sounds so cold.
Well, their separation reinforces our union.
Oh! - (Giggles) - (Chuckles) (Both) In the face of another's loss - I've never loved marriage more - Never more How can they destroy what they had What took so long to build Enclosing intimacy - In four walls - (Both) Of hope An architecture for The heart Our marriage.
Sweet woman, we are still as we were.
- Just as we were? - Not quite as we were.
No, not quite.
- But still in love.
- Just as in love.
Not quite the same way.
No, not exactly the same way.
- (Both) Love or feel.
- But still.
Love or feel.
(Owl hoots) (Owl hoots again) (Knocking) How are you going to find a man if they think you're Amish? The saboteur of all my schemes On dates, the deafening tick-tock Tick-tock Men sense they are the means To silence my biological clock The truth is, sister Here's the sting Neither love or lust Can motivate Eroticism Plays second string to the urgent need To procreate! (Guests) Tick, tock Tick, tock You can have both Lover, father in one man Who'll overlook your odd loose screw It will happen But not to plan When all hope seems gone from view All those handsome men who wooed Some who seemed so sweet, so great (All) Tick, tock Tick, tock - Babies, phonies, lots were rude - Tick, tock - Accountants, dentists - Tick, tock Much too straight, much too straight - Why want a man - Tick, tock - Who thinks, who dreams - Tick, tock - I want a man who philosophises - Tick, tock - Whose brain is wild - Tick, tock - Alive, extreme - Tick, tock An original whose mind surprises - The chef - He liked me less than dukkah The banker Turned out to be fucker! - The teacher - A bigamist with a wife called Bree - And the shrink? - Said my inner child had ADHD I'll never find love It will fall from above I'll never find love (Iris) You won't find Mr Right up here.
Come on.
Dearest sister, have you lost all love for Jed? - He's arrogant.
- Tempered by great style - A clever head - Show-off.
Never insipid, so informed and so well read - Opinionated.
- But generous And you claim so good in bed You seem very well-versed in his charms.
What greater betrayal could there be One sister loves the husband of the other She says she does not love Jed But we'll see.
We'll see just how she feels When she discovers That he and I have both misled her In falling quite in love Though just avoiding falling into bed Prudence enough to conquer lust.
The only man I've ever loved How bleak.
Sweet sister, sister But I do adore The problem is, it chills me as I speak The problem is, although I love her I think I love I think I love her husband more.
Why did you borrow so much cash? (Caroline) I worked for Jed and Iris And fell in love with a life I was not meant to have.
We want more.
Looking forward to my wife? All's fair in love and war.
But you're the only man for me, my love, my man And you, the only woman - For me - (All) Why don't you grow up, Iris? - Don't ditch your marriage for a bore - But stability.
- They hate that.
- Re-find your love with Jed They want the intoxicating turmoil of lust.
That's what Botox is for.
My heart is pounding.
I have prayed - to meet the greatest critic of our time.
- (All) Here we go, here we go Here we go again! (Exhales)