The Drew Carey Show (1995) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
And that's why
the French don't wash.
Huh.
Okay, boys, so we be having
anything else?
I'll have
what Brad Pitt's having.
Yeah, you find me Brad Pitt
I'll serve it up hot.
Yeah, let's talk
about Brad Pitt.
Did you see
he was "People" magazine's
sexiest man alive this year?
What does that mean?
That John John Kennedy
isn't so sexy anymore? Huh!
I'm not so impressed
with Brad Pitt.
I don't think
he's even that good-looking.
Doesn't matter
what you think, Oswald
This is bigger than us.
It's "People" magazine!
It's been decided.
Well, if you don't think
Brad Pitt's good-looking
then what guys do you think
are good-looking?
I don't know.
You could only look at them
when they're not looking at you.
What? What?
Well, we're talking
about movies.
What the hell
are you talking about?
I don't know!
I don't wanna
talk about this anymore.
No.
No, no, this is interesting.
[laughs]
- Let's say you're in prison.
- Oh!
Now, all the women
have been killed
by a mysterious disease..
plus the fact
that your parents
very understanding.
Who do you pick
to be your cellmate?
Liam Neeson.
- I li--
- Hey, watch it!
You know, the thing
about this conversation is
we're are not talking
about Brad Pitt.
No. We're talkin' about
the women Brad Pitt gets.
Man, what I could
do with those women!
Yeah, you could drive Mike
to Brad Pitt's house.
You know, the beautiful thing
about sitting in this bar
here in Cleveland
is that not one of these women
has a chance in hell
of meeting Brad Pitt.
So here's to us..
their cold, little splash
of reality.
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Drew, looking sharp.
- Feeling sharp, Lewis.
Don't touch me, man,
you'll cut yourself.
Man, what a party.
I can't believe
you guys are still here.
Hey, look, it's tomorrow.
When are you guys goin' home?
I don't know about Lewis,
but I'm still waiting for you
to pay me my money.
Oh, well,
get comfortable, pal.
You're the worst mobile DJ
I ever hired.
No wonder you're mobile. You're
one step ahead of an angry mob.
Hey, I'm only charging you
50 bucks
people pay me a 150.
People like your snappy patter
between the songs?
Oh, come on, they love that.
Here's one
for all the lovers in the crowd.
How about one for
all the snipers in the crowd?
Thanks for the help, Lewis.
Man, what a mess!
Yeah, look, I'll, uh,
finish this room
but then I gotta get home
and change for work.
We're, uh,
doing drug testing today.
Drug test, huh, that must be
a big problem
at a chemical company?
Hmm.
Well, nine out of ten times
if someone fails a test,
it's a DrugCo product.
Oh, it'll make
a great advertising slogan.
"DrugCo. Come on,
all your friends are doing it."
Hey..
You got into
the non-generic beer!
Okay, okay, sorry. Lewis and I
will buy some more beer.
Hey, let's try that
new drive-through liquor store
at Brookpark and Ridge.
Man, a liquor store
with a window on the side.
We can buy whisky, beer,
whatever you want
while you're driving.
God bless America!
Just the thing
for that drunk driver
who's constantly on the go.
Hey, no time to stop
at a real bar
I got things to do today
places to go, people to hit.
Busy, busy, busy. Pooh!
[knocking on door]
Coming!
- Hey, Kate.
- Hi.
Sorry I missed the party.
By the time I decided
I wanted to live
I figured,
everyone had gone home.
Oh, you missed
a great one, Kate. Hey!
Did you know that if
the Domino's guy
doesn't get back in an hour
they call the police?
That creep, Berry,
fired me this morning.
- For what?
- For being late!
[laughs]
That sucks.
You drive in together.
That's only because
we live together
but, you know, that's over.
I threw him out last night.
Hold it, I'm getting something.
You live with your boss.
And you broke up with him
and he fired you
the very next day.
Hello, Ripley's, you're not
gonna believe this.
Why are guys like that?
I mean, you tell them
it's all over
because the simple
biological fact is, yes
size does count a little.
I mean, it's not like
I wasn't the best receptionist
his stupid damn
body shop ever had.
Why did he hire me
in the first place?
Wait. I've Mr. Obvious
on line two.
He gave you the job
so he could sleep with you.
Well, then he's pretty stupid
because I slept with him
before I got the job.
Ha!
Oh!
Hey, Kate's here. Kate,
did you bring us breakfast?
Yeah, where's breakfast?
Breakfast, breakfast, breakfast.
Hey, canned corn!
Would you hit them with your
shoes so we can talk about me?
- What happened to you?
- I just got fired.
I'm sorry, Kate. Well,
at least you still have Barry.
- Oh.
- Don't worry, Kate.
You know, this could be the best
thing that ever happened to you.
You're way better than those
dead-end jobs you keep taking.
I mean, look at me.
When I first took the job
as a sales clerk
I never thought
it would lead to a career
but now I'm assistant director
of personnel.
I have a position
of indirect respects
and oblique power.
You think you could use some
of that power to give me a job?
Come on, Kate, you know
I can't hire friends.
But I hate you.
I've always hated you.
Everybody hates me
when they want a job.
You know what? I saw this
same thing on "The X-files."
One alien hires his friend alien
to help dominate the Earth.
Sure enough,
his friend arrives late
he doesn't know how to work
the gamma ray machine.
Next thing you know
they're both washing
dishes on Venus.
- Lewis.
- Huh?
I don't know where to start.
Come on, Drew, I would be
perfect in a department store.
You know I work my ass off!
[car honking]
Did you hear that?
It's the 8:02 honk.
It's my anal-retentive carpool.
I gotta go.
- Think about it!
- Okay.
- You're lying!
- 'Yes!'
Uh!
8:41.
You know, Larry, right about now
I got interviews
stacked up at the office
pretty much like you got angry
motorists stacked up behind you.
Do you think you can
fire up the bullet train here?
I don't like driving that fast.
It's not safe.
Phew!
Hey, look
at that fat guy walking.
Wow, look at that, will you?
"Learn veterinary medicine
through the mail."
Man, I hate to be a dog
in that house. Mail's here.
[imitating dog]
I just lost my dog.
My kids haven't stopped
crying for two days.
Oh.
- Mind if I turn on the radio?
- Let me check.
All in favor
of turning on the radio?
You know, I've been
in this carpool for..
I haven't had one vote.
How come you get to decide
when we vote?
Who voted on that?
I mean, in some carpools
they actually get out of the car
laughing and singing.
This is like a funeral
where they're in a hurry
to bury the guy.
My aunt had a funeral.
We all had a nice time.
- The food's always good there.
- Oh, yeah!
[indistinct chattering]
Finally. Finally something
we can all talk about.
So how did the dog die?
[instrumental music]
Hey, uh, how much
is the monthly incentive
for joining the carpool?
Forty five big old dollars.
Man! That only leaves me
ten bucks for bullets!
Not getting any better, huh?
He won't use
the carpool lane!
We used to get here
in a half an hour.
Now I've to get up
a half hour earlier
just to get here
ten minutes later.
I mean, sure
Cleveland's [indistinct] better
but I'm stuck in a car
with seven people
who just had
breakfast burritos.
Ooh.
Did Mr. Bell call you?
Does he know I'm late?
[telephone ringing]
- Ding!
- Good luck, Drew.
From here on out,
I don't know you.
(Bell on phone)
'Carey, it's Bell.
You there?'
Yes, sir, Mr. Bell.
- Just going through my files.
- 'Mm-hmm.'
'It wouldn't happen to be the
Cosmetic counter applications.'
Yes, sir, you must be psychic.
Hey, guess how many fingers
I'm holding up.
'Need that position filled
by Monday, Carey.'
'Customers are complaining
that they have to wander'
'from counter to counter
looking for help!'
Oh. Yes, sir, Mr. Bell.
You know, it's always
a pleasure to talk..
[dial tone]
- Lois, can you send back..
- Yeah.
my first interview, please?
- Sure.
- Yes, Mr. Bell.
Right away, Mr. Bell.
How's the heart, Mr. Bell?
Oh that's too bad,
Mr. Bell. Boo!
- Drew.
- 'Yes?'
Mimi Bobeck.
I'm here for the interview.
Nice to meet you, Mimi.
What department
are you applying for?
Cosmetics.
Okay, great.
Please sit down.
[sighs]
Let's see here.
[clearing throat]
"Two years in phone sales.
"Dark room assistant.
Reader for the blind."
I'm also single,
if that helps.
Not me.
I mean, uh, you know, we don't
count marital status either way.
Now, you know,
we will be interviewing
quite a few people
for this job.
Oh, well, so that's that.
Well, nice meeting you.
- Uh, excuse me?
- That's the code.
Interviewing quite a few people
means, "Forget it"
just like
"Thanks for stopping by" means
"We don't wanna see you
ever again."
- That's not what I was saying.
- Cut the crap, Mr. Carey.
I know what you're thinking.
You have to be one of those
classically good-looking women
to sell cosmetics.
Oh. No, not necessarily.
Y-your looks are just fine.
Did I say they weren't?
Uh, I was hoping somebody had.
Well, how does it work,
Mr. Carey, huh?
Some empty-headed bimbo
walks in here
and you feel something
in your groin to get the job?
What?
What other requirements
deny me?
'Wasn't my skirt
short enough?'
Didn't I bend over enough
during the interview?
What does it take to get
someone as sexist as you
to hire me?
Uh, you know, you're,
uh, ahem
certainly under consideration
so that..
What's your boss's name? I could
find out if you don't tell me.
Well, look..
- H-his name's Mr. Bell.
- Mr. Bell!
I think you're making
a big mistake here.
You know, you're not
being judged by anything
but your application.
Hey, I see you speak Spanish.
You're in really big trouble.
You know that?
I didn't come in here to be
insulted by some crew cut jerk
who thinks this job as his
own personal beauty contest!
You're a pig!
We'll call and let you know!
Thanks for stopping by!
Hey, everybody ready to go?
Drew's not home yet.
How did the drug test go?
Well, I couldn't wait.
Now I gotta do a makeup.
- Any luck in the job front?
- MacNothing.
Hm.
Come on, ask me about my day.
I dare you.
Alrighty, Drew,
how was your day?
Uh, you're not sincere enough.
You!
- You ask me about my day.
- Okay.
Drew, how was your day?
So you wanna know
how my day was, huh?
It was lousy, it was like
the rubber glove part
of a physical exam.
Ooh. That's a bad day.
My God, what happened?
Oh, some crazy woman
I interviewed
complained to my boss
and I got reamed.
You, mister employee
of the month?
Hey, you're damn right.
I'm employee of the month.
You know why?
Because I do my job well
and I treat everyone fairly.
This woman called me a sexist.
You know how many forms
you have to fill up
when someone calls
you a sexist?
Eight.
What did you do, harass her?
No, I didn't harass her.
So she wanted it.
No, all she wanted was a job
in the cosmetics department
but I couldn't hire her.
I mean, she came in looking like
something my nephew colored.
[laughs]
Oh, there's an opening
at the cosmetics department?
Yeah, but not for her
there's too many mirrors.
[laughing]
You know, what really
ticks me off
is I'm up for promotion
in a few weeks.
Now I gotta bust my hump
to get over this black mark.
And you know I'm not
looking to buy a Ferrari
but I'd like to get
a few paychecks ahead
maybe actually
give something to charity
instead of just lying about
on my taxes.
What's the rush?
Hey, I set goals for myself.
Man, I got deadlines.
I don't wanna find out I got
my high school reunion coming up
I only got six months
to make something of myself.
What am I gonna do,
be in an alley?
Come on, seven!
Daddy needs to lose weight
and get a new career.
Come on, baby.
I need some hair right now!
Man, it's killing me!
I know exactly
what you're saying, Drew.
My pharmaceutical company
is doing big things.
Any day now at DrugCo
could be the day that we come up
with that new miracle drug.
And it's gonna be the guys
that work around the clock
that get all the credit.
You know what?
I wanna be one of those guys.
- Lewis.
- Huh?
You're the maintenance man.
Start wearing one of those masks
when you sweep up.
Will you, buddy?
[instrumental music]
Ah, meat.
Hey, you know, pal,
that cheese burger
is gonna give you
a heart attack.
What?
I almost swallowed
that damn thing!
Doesn't the government
regulate this stuff?
Thank God for you, sir,
I almost had a moment of joy!
Safety Nazi, get lost!
You know, Drew,
you're still a little on edge.
Gee, you think so?
Well, there's
only one way to tell.
Let's do a little
stress test.
Ah!
You know, Drew,
stress management
is the key to longevity.
I've always found that
uh, sensory deprivation
usually does the trick.
You're in total darkness
gradually relaxing
every muscle in your body
as you're lie
in a warm pool of water.
Uh-oh.
I gotta pee.
They don't let him back
in those tanks.
I can see. Well..
Oh, my God, there she is.
- Who?
- My interview with a vampire.
Wow!
She wants to sell makeup?
Well, she should know
something about it.
She certainly
buys enough of it.
Man, what I'd like
to say to her!
Well, what's this then?
After a hard day of screwing
qualified applicants out of jobs
it's Miller time!
Drew, no need to respond.
Just ignore her.
Let it go.
Oh, and you must be the trash
that got the job.
Don't get up. I don't wanna see
where his hand is.
Get her!
If you need any help, remember,
I used to be a rodeo clown.
No. You know what?
I'm not gonna
stoop to her level.
I'm just gonna tell her
the truth. Somebody's got to.
[clearing throat]
Excuse me, Ms. Bobeck.
Oh, great. You ruined my day.
Now you're gonna ruin my night?
Ruined your day?
You almost got me fi..
Listen, can we talk honestly?
Just a couple of
people in a bar
no interviews,
no suits, nothing
just regular folks, okay?
What are you
bothering me for?
Can't you get
laid here, either?
Look, I didn't come over here
to upset you
because if you start to cry
and your makeup starts to run
I don't have that kind of time.
I just want you
to consider the possibility
that I might be you.
I mean, I couldn't hire you
for any job in that store.
I mean, you're just
a nasty person.
So my looks had nothing
to do with it.
I said we were gonna
be honest and, uh
yes, they did,
a little bit.
Oh, no, you're not sexist.
You're just stupid.
Hey, sometimes
appearance matters!
You know what, I'm never gonna
model Speedos.
I'd look like a Bartlett pear
with a rubber band
wrapped around the bottom.
But that's life.
You go and you find something
you're good at
and you quit blaming
everybody else.
Well, when you
put it like that
bite me, jackass!
Hey, Drew, who's your
good-looking friend?
Can't you come up with something
more original, Lewis?
She hears that all day long.
Gee, you have
a lot of the qualities
we're looking for
in this position.
Haven't you ever had
a job anywhere?
Listen, uh, I have to fill
this job in an hour or so.
Why don't you go
wait out in the lobby
and I'll talk
to the supervisor.
- Oh. Thank you so much.
- No, thank you.
Oh, God, fill this out,
approve by a supervisor
that's me,
and thank you, Natalie.
Get out of here by five, go over
to Oswald's house, burn it down.
That'll be his little stress
test, and I'll have a nap.
- Ahem.
- Kate!
Hey! What are you
doing downtown?
- You got an interview?
- Yeah.
Man. You're a shoe-in.
You look great.
Hey, you wanna go out
for a bite to eat?
I can leave early.
I just filled the job.
Oh.
No, you didn't.
Come on. Just take ten minutes
to consider me.
No! This will screw up
our relationship.
It's even worse than when
friends have sex, you know
'cause at least then
you had sex.
[clearing throat]
Excuse me, Drew.
The carpool took a vote.
We all chipped in
for this bus pass.
It's our little way of saying
"We're sorry,
things didn't work out."
What? You can't kick me out
of the carpool!
I can't go back to the bus!
Who I supposed
to drive in with?
The carpool took a vote.
We don't care.
I'll be in your carpool.
[telephone ringing]
Excuse me.
Yes, Mr. Bell.
(Bell on phone)
'Listen, I don't wanna tell you
how to do your job'
'but I saw a young woman
in the lobby'
'who seems perfect
for the cosmetics counter.'
'Young, well dressed.'
I know, Mr. Bell.
'She's wearing
a tight blue suit.'
'Come and get me pumped.
You cannot miss this.'
'I think when she bent over
to take a drink of water'
'I nearly choked on..'
Yes, sir, Mr. Bell.
I know I only have 45 minutes.
I'm right on top of it.
I-I'll do it right away.
I can't do this.
What if I have to fire you
and I'm sure I'm gonna have to?
How are we supposed
to be friends after that?
You won't have to fire me.
Uh, y-you could kill me.
How's that?
Yeah, well,
it may solve some problems
but you know,
it may create others.
Come on,
you said yourself
that I should work
at a nice place
where I could
get ahead for once.
Nobody is gonna hire me
for this kind of job
with my background
in body shops.
You are the only one
that would give me a chance.
What do you say?
What am I supposed
to tell Natalie?
She was really looking forward
to having a resume.
[chuckles]
Oh, God, Drew, thank you.
Look, uh,
just in case the boss asks
do you have any
special qualifications
that make you better for the job
than, you know, Natalie?
[sighs]
I could beat
the crap out of her.
Yeah, well..
Physical superiority
is something I always look for
in a good cosmetics
sales person.
Ow! Not so much
in a friend, though.
[thunder rumbling]
Wow, look at it come down.
Is that hot chocolate ready yet?
Coming right up!
Real nice of you
to give Kate that job, Drew.
Well, you know, it was
the only decent thing to do.
- She threaten you?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Drew,
you're too good to us.
You don't have any pie?
You cheap bastard.
[knocking on door]
[squeals]
Look sharp!
Employed person in the room!
[applauding]
I need your help.
I have to decide
what perfume samples
to push tomorrow.
Evening Passion.
Morning Musk.
What do you have around midday?
Come on, help me!
[sniffing]
Just my luck. I get the hand
that's been petting the wet dog.
You're not helping, Drew.
Ugh. You've been
kissing that dog, too.
Get out of here.
You know what?
This calls for a celebration.
So..
Who's coming with me?
You just go ahead, buddy.
We'll wait in here.
Alright.
But you don't know
what you're missing.
[thunder rumbling]
Look at that dumb son of a gun.
(all)
Hey!
[Drew scatting]
[scatting continues]
the French don't wash.
Huh.
Okay, boys, so we be having
anything else?
I'll have
what Brad Pitt's having.
Yeah, you find me Brad Pitt
I'll serve it up hot.
Yeah, let's talk
about Brad Pitt.
Did you see
he was "People" magazine's
sexiest man alive this year?
What does that mean?
That John John Kennedy
isn't so sexy anymore? Huh!
I'm not so impressed
with Brad Pitt.
I don't think
he's even that good-looking.
Doesn't matter
what you think, Oswald
This is bigger than us.
It's "People" magazine!
It's been decided.
Well, if you don't think
Brad Pitt's good-looking
then what guys do you think
are good-looking?
I don't know.
You could only look at them
when they're not looking at you.
What? What?
Well, we're talking
about movies.
What the hell
are you talking about?
I don't know!
I don't wanna
talk about this anymore.
No.
No, no, this is interesting.
[laughs]
- Let's say you're in prison.
- Oh!
Now, all the women
have been killed
by a mysterious disease..
plus the fact
that your parents
very understanding.
Who do you pick
to be your cellmate?
Liam Neeson.
- I li--
- Hey, watch it!
You know, the thing
about this conversation is
we're are not talking
about Brad Pitt.
No. We're talkin' about
the women Brad Pitt gets.
Man, what I could
do with those women!
Yeah, you could drive Mike
to Brad Pitt's house.
You know, the beautiful thing
about sitting in this bar
here in Cleveland
is that not one of these women
has a chance in hell
of meeting Brad Pitt.
So here's to us..
their cold, little splash
of reality.
[theme song]
Moon over Parma ♪
Bring my love to me tonight ♪
Guide her to Cleveland
underneath your silvery light ♪
We're going bowlin'
so don't lose her in Solon ♪
Moon over Parma tonight ♪♪
[instrumental music]
- Drew, looking sharp.
- Feeling sharp, Lewis.
Don't touch me, man,
you'll cut yourself.
Man, what a party.
I can't believe
you guys are still here.
Hey, look, it's tomorrow.
When are you guys goin' home?
I don't know about Lewis,
but I'm still waiting for you
to pay me my money.
Oh, well,
get comfortable, pal.
You're the worst mobile DJ
I ever hired.
No wonder you're mobile. You're
one step ahead of an angry mob.
Hey, I'm only charging you
50 bucks
people pay me a 150.
People like your snappy patter
between the songs?
Oh, come on, they love that.
Here's one
for all the lovers in the crowd.
How about one for
all the snipers in the crowd?
Thanks for the help, Lewis.
Man, what a mess!
Yeah, look, I'll, uh,
finish this room
but then I gotta get home
and change for work.
We're, uh,
doing drug testing today.
Drug test, huh, that must be
a big problem
at a chemical company?
Hmm.
Well, nine out of ten times
if someone fails a test,
it's a DrugCo product.
Oh, it'll make
a great advertising slogan.
"DrugCo. Come on,
all your friends are doing it."
Hey..
You got into
the non-generic beer!
Okay, okay, sorry. Lewis and I
will buy some more beer.
Hey, let's try that
new drive-through liquor store
at Brookpark and Ridge.
Man, a liquor store
with a window on the side.
We can buy whisky, beer,
whatever you want
while you're driving.
God bless America!
Just the thing
for that drunk driver
who's constantly on the go.
Hey, no time to stop
at a real bar
I got things to do today
places to go, people to hit.
Busy, busy, busy. Pooh!
[knocking on door]
Coming!
- Hey, Kate.
- Hi.
Sorry I missed the party.
By the time I decided
I wanted to live
I figured,
everyone had gone home.
Oh, you missed
a great one, Kate. Hey!
Did you know that if
the Domino's guy
doesn't get back in an hour
they call the police?
That creep, Berry,
fired me this morning.
- For what?
- For being late!
[laughs]
That sucks.
You drive in together.
That's only because
we live together
but, you know, that's over.
I threw him out last night.
Hold it, I'm getting something.
You live with your boss.
And you broke up with him
and he fired you
the very next day.
Hello, Ripley's, you're not
gonna believe this.
Why are guys like that?
I mean, you tell them
it's all over
because the simple
biological fact is, yes
size does count a little.
I mean, it's not like
I wasn't the best receptionist
his stupid damn
body shop ever had.
Why did he hire me
in the first place?
Wait. I've Mr. Obvious
on line two.
He gave you the job
so he could sleep with you.
Well, then he's pretty stupid
because I slept with him
before I got the job.
Ha!
Oh!
Hey, Kate's here. Kate,
did you bring us breakfast?
Yeah, where's breakfast?
Breakfast, breakfast, breakfast.
Hey, canned corn!
Would you hit them with your
shoes so we can talk about me?
- What happened to you?
- I just got fired.
I'm sorry, Kate. Well,
at least you still have Barry.
- Oh.
- Don't worry, Kate.
You know, this could be the best
thing that ever happened to you.
You're way better than those
dead-end jobs you keep taking.
I mean, look at me.
When I first took the job
as a sales clerk
I never thought
it would lead to a career
but now I'm assistant director
of personnel.
I have a position
of indirect respects
and oblique power.
You think you could use some
of that power to give me a job?
Come on, Kate, you know
I can't hire friends.
But I hate you.
I've always hated you.
Everybody hates me
when they want a job.
You know what? I saw this
same thing on "The X-files."
One alien hires his friend alien
to help dominate the Earth.
Sure enough,
his friend arrives late
he doesn't know how to work
the gamma ray machine.
Next thing you know
they're both washing
dishes on Venus.
- Lewis.
- Huh?
I don't know where to start.
Come on, Drew, I would be
perfect in a department store.
You know I work my ass off!
[car honking]
Did you hear that?
It's the 8:02 honk.
It's my anal-retentive carpool.
I gotta go.
- Think about it!
- Okay.
- You're lying!
- 'Yes!'
Uh!
8:41.
You know, Larry, right about now
I got interviews
stacked up at the office
pretty much like you got angry
motorists stacked up behind you.
Do you think you can
fire up the bullet train here?
I don't like driving that fast.
It's not safe.
Phew!
Hey, look
at that fat guy walking.
Wow, look at that, will you?
"Learn veterinary medicine
through the mail."
Man, I hate to be a dog
in that house. Mail's here.
[imitating dog]
I just lost my dog.
My kids haven't stopped
crying for two days.
Oh.
- Mind if I turn on the radio?
- Let me check.
All in favor
of turning on the radio?
You know, I've been
in this carpool for..
I haven't had one vote.
How come you get to decide
when we vote?
Who voted on that?
I mean, in some carpools
they actually get out of the car
laughing and singing.
This is like a funeral
where they're in a hurry
to bury the guy.
My aunt had a funeral.
We all had a nice time.
- The food's always good there.
- Oh, yeah!
[indistinct chattering]
Finally. Finally something
we can all talk about.
So how did the dog die?
[instrumental music]
Hey, uh, how much
is the monthly incentive
for joining the carpool?
Forty five big old dollars.
Man! That only leaves me
ten bucks for bullets!
Not getting any better, huh?
He won't use
the carpool lane!
We used to get here
in a half an hour.
Now I've to get up
a half hour earlier
just to get here
ten minutes later.
I mean, sure
Cleveland's [indistinct] better
but I'm stuck in a car
with seven people
who just had
breakfast burritos.
Ooh.
Did Mr. Bell call you?
Does he know I'm late?
[telephone ringing]
- Ding!
- Good luck, Drew.
From here on out,
I don't know you.
(Bell on phone)
'Carey, it's Bell.
You there?'
Yes, sir, Mr. Bell.
- Just going through my files.
- 'Mm-hmm.'
'It wouldn't happen to be the
Cosmetic counter applications.'
Yes, sir, you must be psychic.
Hey, guess how many fingers
I'm holding up.
'Need that position filled
by Monday, Carey.'
'Customers are complaining
that they have to wander'
'from counter to counter
looking for help!'
Oh. Yes, sir, Mr. Bell.
You know, it's always
a pleasure to talk..
[dial tone]
- Lois, can you send back..
- Yeah.
my first interview, please?
- Sure.
- Yes, Mr. Bell.
Right away, Mr. Bell.
How's the heart, Mr. Bell?
Oh that's too bad,
Mr. Bell. Boo!
- Drew.
- 'Yes?'
Mimi Bobeck.
I'm here for the interview.
Nice to meet you, Mimi.
What department
are you applying for?
Cosmetics.
Okay, great.
Please sit down.
[sighs]
Let's see here.
[clearing throat]
"Two years in phone sales.
"Dark room assistant.
Reader for the blind."
I'm also single,
if that helps.
Not me.
I mean, uh, you know, we don't
count marital status either way.
Now, you know,
we will be interviewing
quite a few people
for this job.
Oh, well, so that's that.
Well, nice meeting you.
- Uh, excuse me?
- That's the code.
Interviewing quite a few people
means, "Forget it"
just like
"Thanks for stopping by" means
"We don't wanna see you
ever again."
- That's not what I was saying.
- Cut the crap, Mr. Carey.
I know what you're thinking.
You have to be one of those
classically good-looking women
to sell cosmetics.
Oh. No, not necessarily.
Y-your looks are just fine.
Did I say they weren't?
Uh, I was hoping somebody had.
Well, how does it work,
Mr. Carey, huh?
Some empty-headed bimbo
walks in here
and you feel something
in your groin to get the job?
What?
What other requirements
deny me?
'Wasn't my skirt
short enough?'
Didn't I bend over enough
during the interview?
What does it take to get
someone as sexist as you
to hire me?
Uh, you know, you're,
uh, ahem
certainly under consideration
so that..
What's your boss's name? I could
find out if you don't tell me.
Well, look..
- H-his name's Mr. Bell.
- Mr. Bell!
I think you're making
a big mistake here.
You know, you're not
being judged by anything
but your application.
Hey, I see you speak Spanish.
You're in really big trouble.
You know that?
I didn't come in here to be
insulted by some crew cut jerk
who thinks this job as his
own personal beauty contest!
You're a pig!
We'll call and let you know!
Thanks for stopping by!
Hey, everybody ready to go?
Drew's not home yet.
How did the drug test go?
Well, I couldn't wait.
Now I gotta do a makeup.
- Any luck in the job front?
- MacNothing.
Hm.
Come on, ask me about my day.
I dare you.
Alrighty, Drew,
how was your day?
Uh, you're not sincere enough.
You!
- You ask me about my day.
- Okay.
Drew, how was your day?
So you wanna know
how my day was, huh?
It was lousy, it was like
the rubber glove part
of a physical exam.
Ooh. That's a bad day.
My God, what happened?
Oh, some crazy woman
I interviewed
complained to my boss
and I got reamed.
You, mister employee
of the month?
Hey, you're damn right.
I'm employee of the month.
You know why?
Because I do my job well
and I treat everyone fairly.
This woman called me a sexist.
You know how many forms
you have to fill up
when someone calls
you a sexist?
Eight.
What did you do, harass her?
No, I didn't harass her.
So she wanted it.
No, all she wanted was a job
in the cosmetics department
but I couldn't hire her.
I mean, she came in looking like
something my nephew colored.
[laughs]
Oh, there's an opening
at the cosmetics department?
Yeah, but not for her
there's too many mirrors.
[laughing]
You know, what really
ticks me off
is I'm up for promotion
in a few weeks.
Now I gotta bust my hump
to get over this black mark.
And you know I'm not
looking to buy a Ferrari
but I'd like to get
a few paychecks ahead
maybe actually
give something to charity
instead of just lying about
on my taxes.
What's the rush?
Hey, I set goals for myself.
Man, I got deadlines.
I don't wanna find out I got
my high school reunion coming up
I only got six months
to make something of myself.
What am I gonna do,
be in an alley?
Come on, seven!
Daddy needs to lose weight
and get a new career.
Come on, baby.
I need some hair right now!
Man, it's killing me!
I know exactly
what you're saying, Drew.
My pharmaceutical company
is doing big things.
Any day now at DrugCo
could be the day that we come up
with that new miracle drug.
And it's gonna be the guys
that work around the clock
that get all the credit.
You know what?
I wanna be one of those guys.
- Lewis.
- Huh?
You're the maintenance man.
Start wearing one of those masks
when you sweep up.
Will you, buddy?
[instrumental music]
Ah, meat.
Hey, you know, pal,
that cheese burger
is gonna give you
a heart attack.
What?
I almost swallowed
that damn thing!
Doesn't the government
regulate this stuff?
Thank God for you, sir,
I almost had a moment of joy!
Safety Nazi, get lost!
You know, Drew,
you're still a little on edge.
Gee, you think so?
Well, there's
only one way to tell.
Let's do a little
stress test.
Ah!
You know, Drew,
stress management
is the key to longevity.
I've always found that
uh, sensory deprivation
usually does the trick.
You're in total darkness
gradually relaxing
every muscle in your body
as you're lie
in a warm pool of water.
Uh-oh.
I gotta pee.
They don't let him back
in those tanks.
I can see. Well..
Oh, my God, there she is.
- Who?
- My interview with a vampire.
Wow!
She wants to sell makeup?
Well, she should know
something about it.
She certainly
buys enough of it.
Man, what I'd like
to say to her!
Well, what's this then?
After a hard day of screwing
qualified applicants out of jobs
it's Miller time!
Drew, no need to respond.
Just ignore her.
Let it go.
Oh, and you must be the trash
that got the job.
Don't get up. I don't wanna see
where his hand is.
Get her!
If you need any help, remember,
I used to be a rodeo clown.
No. You know what?
I'm not gonna
stoop to her level.
I'm just gonna tell her
the truth. Somebody's got to.
[clearing throat]
Excuse me, Ms. Bobeck.
Oh, great. You ruined my day.
Now you're gonna ruin my night?
Ruined your day?
You almost got me fi..
Listen, can we talk honestly?
Just a couple of
people in a bar
no interviews,
no suits, nothing
just regular folks, okay?
What are you
bothering me for?
Can't you get
laid here, either?
Look, I didn't come over here
to upset you
because if you start to cry
and your makeup starts to run
I don't have that kind of time.
I just want you
to consider the possibility
that I might be you.
I mean, I couldn't hire you
for any job in that store.
I mean, you're just
a nasty person.
So my looks had nothing
to do with it.
I said we were gonna
be honest and, uh
yes, they did,
a little bit.
Oh, no, you're not sexist.
You're just stupid.
Hey, sometimes
appearance matters!
You know what, I'm never gonna
model Speedos.
I'd look like a Bartlett pear
with a rubber band
wrapped around the bottom.
But that's life.
You go and you find something
you're good at
and you quit blaming
everybody else.
Well, when you
put it like that
bite me, jackass!
Hey, Drew, who's your
good-looking friend?
Can't you come up with something
more original, Lewis?
She hears that all day long.
Gee, you have
a lot of the qualities
we're looking for
in this position.
Haven't you ever had
a job anywhere?
Listen, uh, I have to fill
this job in an hour or so.
Why don't you go
wait out in the lobby
and I'll talk
to the supervisor.
- Oh. Thank you so much.
- No, thank you.
Oh, God, fill this out,
approve by a supervisor
that's me,
and thank you, Natalie.
Get out of here by five, go over
to Oswald's house, burn it down.
That'll be his little stress
test, and I'll have a nap.
- Ahem.
- Kate!
Hey! What are you
doing downtown?
- You got an interview?
- Yeah.
Man. You're a shoe-in.
You look great.
Hey, you wanna go out
for a bite to eat?
I can leave early.
I just filled the job.
Oh.
No, you didn't.
Come on. Just take ten minutes
to consider me.
No! This will screw up
our relationship.
It's even worse than when
friends have sex, you know
'cause at least then
you had sex.
[clearing throat]
Excuse me, Drew.
The carpool took a vote.
We all chipped in
for this bus pass.
It's our little way of saying
"We're sorry,
things didn't work out."
What? You can't kick me out
of the carpool!
I can't go back to the bus!
Who I supposed
to drive in with?
The carpool took a vote.
We don't care.
I'll be in your carpool.
[telephone ringing]
Excuse me.
Yes, Mr. Bell.
(Bell on phone)
'Listen, I don't wanna tell you
how to do your job'
'but I saw a young woman
in the lobby'
'who seems perfect
for the cosmetics counter.'
'Young, well dressed.'
I know, Mr. Bell.
'She's wearing
a tight blue suit.'
'Come and get me pumped.
You cannot miss this.'
'I think when she bent over
to take a drink of water'
'I nearly choked on..'
Yes, sir, Mr. Bell.
I know I only have 45 minutes.
I'm right on top of it.
I-I'll do it right away.
I can't do this.
What if I have to fire you
and I'm sure I'm gonna have to?
How are we supposed
to be friends after that?
You won't have to fire me.
Uh, y-you could kill me.
How's that?
Yeah, well,
it may solve some problems
but you know,
it may create others.
Come on,
you said yourself
that I should work
at a nice place
where I could
get ahead for once.
Nobody is gonna hire me
for this kind of job
with my background
in body shops.
You are the only one
that would give me a chance.
What do you say?
What am I supposed
to tell Natalie?
She was really looking forward
to having a resume.
[chuckles]
Oh, God, Drew, thank you.
Look, uh,
just in case the boss asks
do you have any
special qualifications
that make you better for the job
than, you know, Natalie?
[sighs]
I could beat
the crap out of her.
Yeah, well..
Physical superiority
is something I always look for
in a good cosmetics
sales person.
Ow! Not so much
in a friend, though.
[thunder rumbling]
Wow, look at it come down.
Is that hot chocolate ready yet?
Coming right up!
Real nice of you
to give Kate that job, Drew.
Well, you know, it was
the only decent thing to do.
- She threaten you?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. Drew,
you're too good to us.
You don't have any pie?
You cheap bastard.
[knocking on door]
[squeals]
Look sharp!
Employed person in the room!
[applauding]
I need your help.
I have to decide
what perfume samples
to push tomorrow.
Evening Passion.
Morning Musk.
What do you have around midday?
Come on, help me!
[sniffing]
Just my luck. I get the hand
that's been petting the wet dog.
You're not helping, Drew.
Ugh. You've been
kissing that dog, too.
Get out of here.
You know what?
This calls for a celebration.
So..
Who's coming with me?
You just go ahead, buddy.
We'll wait in here.
Alright.
But you don't know
what you're missing.
[thunder rumbling]
Look at that dumb son of a gun.
(all)
Hey!
[Drew scatting]
[scatting continues]