The Duchess (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

[girl] Don't you pay attention
to the news?
They want to destroy our way of life, Mum.
I'm only protecting us.
[woman] With respect,
your opinion's garbage.
That's the problem with free speech.
Great idea till you realize
it applies to everybody.
Mum, it's true. People are coming
into the country and taking all the jobs.
Oh, my God, I've raised a Tory.
Olive, the people coming into the country
are you.
No, I was born here.
To an immigrant!
Immigrant!
That's what Daddy said they're called.
Oh, did he? Well, I should stop
taking all your jobs then.
Like scrubbing the toilet,
cleaning the kitchen, tidying up
[laughs] Hey, no!
Take back control, Olive!
Make Britain great again
by cleaning your own room.
I'm only doing the jobs you won't do.
So Leonardo DiCaprio drowned in Titanic
and then he never dated a woman over 25
ever, ever again.
Oh. There's Millie.
Beast! Let me tell the teacher
she's been bullying you.
Oh, and make things worse? No way.
She's very powerful.
Yesterday, she got all the other girls
to say my coat was ugly.
That coat was Stella McCartney.
Tasteless little ditch pig!
[laughs] You can't say that about a child!
Can too, if I'm defending my child
and the child of Sir Paul
and Linda McCartney.
From the vegan sausages? That's her mum?
Mums are very impressive.
Apart from Millie's mum.
The only cow I'd happily slaughter.
I can manage things at school myself.
Don't worry about me.
- You're really brave. Are you sure?
- Yes.
- I don't want to be late. Love you!
- Love ya. Happy birthday!
Excuse me, Jane?
[Jane squeals]
- Your coat is ugly.
- What are you talking about?
I have had it with your evil daughter
and her demon mouth.
- Mum, I forgot my water bottle.
- Oh, hey, sweetheart. Sorry. Here you go.
Have a good day.
[both] Bye!
Love ya! [laughs]
You need to sort your family out.
Katherine, I know the girls
have had their differences, but
Well, Millie is dyslexic,
so things can get lost in translation.
Millie is dicks-lexic.
Mmm, dyslexic. Maybe a coffee morning?
- We can hash out a strategy. Just us mums!
- No, no.
No more coffee mornings.
None of you need more caffeine.
It would be easier to solve these problems
if you were just generally
a little bit more involved with the PTA.
Maybe you could
- [mocking] Maybe I could fuck your man.
- [mums gasp]
I beg your pardon?
Yeah. I will come for your man
every day of the week
until you are able to have
some meaningful conversations
about empathy in your home.
It is not that hard
to be a decent fucking mum!
[dramatic music plays]
When I woke up
I was thinking bout them diamonds ♪
Gotta gotta gotta
Gotta go mine them diamonds ♪
Diamonds, diamonds, diamonds ♪
Diamonds, diamonds
Diamonds, diamonds ♪
Really, really want it
I really, really need it ♪
Diamonds, diamonds
Diamonds, diamonds ♪
I really, really want it
I really, really need it ♪
Diamonds, diamonds
Diamonds, diamonds ♪
[music continues on radio]
[doorbell rings]
Oh, I ordered paint.
[dog barks and whimpers]
Oh! You're not paint.
I could be paint.
Or I could be
an incredibly handsome young dentist,
who's finished work early to take you
girls out to dinner for Olive's birthday.
Oh, thank you. Honey, she loves peonies.
No, those are for you.
It's always just us on her birthday.
Oh, sounds very exclusive.
Yeah!
- Did you need to use the bathroom or
- No, no, I'm good.
Um
You do know I'm more than a Saturday guy,
right? I want to be a part of this family.
You are a part of this family.
An important peripheral part.
[laughs] Well, I really want to be let in.
Paint!
Okay, so how about this weekend
we do anal?
What? No, I meant "let in."
'Cause we were talking about
That's not what [laughs awkwardly]
'Cause that's I mean
I mean, I'll do it.
Like, that's what I do,
but that's, um [clears throat]
That's That's not what I meant.
Okay.
Say hi to Bev for me, will you?
And, uh, tell Olive I said happy birthday.
I will. I love you.
- See you later, weirdo.
- [she laughs]
Oh, and just, um
text before you stop by next time.
Jesus.
[Bev] Who was that?
Evan, showing up here
in the middle of the day, unannounced.
Oh, my God, he's getting bold.
What, you've only been dating
for what, five, six hundred days now?
Yeah. And now he's trying
to take me to dinner.
Like, "Slow down,
you thirsty little freak".
Yeah, babes.
He is being thirsty, isn't he?
Turning up on your daughter's birthday,
bringing flowers? Bin him!
I will bin him
if he tries to change our arrangement.
I had it perfect. Bang him once a week,
live my life the rest of the time,
and free dental.
Why can't I find a man
who just wants to have casual sex?
Because you're over 30. That's why.
That's the landscape we're working in.
Evan's lovely.
What he doesn't realize is he'll like me
a whole lot less if he sees me more.
You gotta keep it to once a week,
and that's the magic of our relationship.
- [Olive giggles] Mum!
- [Katherine] Okay, here we go!
[Olive laughs]
Here you go.
Okay.
You give me your helmet.
Aw.
Looks like nobody's home.
Oh, honey,
it looks like I got the time wrong.
That's my fault, I'm sorry.
[quietly] Dumb motherf
- [man yells]
- [Katherine screams]
- [he laughs]
- [Olive] Daddy!
- Hey, sweetheart!
- [Katherine groans]
It's dangerous to sneak up like that,
'cause you know Daddy's got his boat
heavily armed.
And speaks in the third person,
and is a twat.
- [Olive] Mummy got the time wrong.
- Well, Mummy drinks. Time of what?
- Have you forgotten?
- No, Olive, Daddy's only kidding.
He knows it's your birthday.
- Gotcha!
- See?
Course I knew it was your birthday.
Hey, you are getting so big
that I think it's time
[quietly] Every fucking year.
Does she remind me?
- No, she doesn't.
- [frantic rummaging]
- [loudly] for your very own
- [crashing and banging]
-birthday dynamite!
- No!
- Awesome!
[he laughs and hums]
I can honestly say
I was only half expecting explosives.
Daddy, can we use it now
to blow up some trout?
Aw. We'll go fishing this weekend, baby.
I think a family of mice died under
the toilet. We can use them as bait.
[sarcastically] Great. So let's just
sing the song and then we can go.
Happy birthday to ♪
Um, no. Please, Mum and Dad,
I'm not making a fuss this year.
But, Olive, it's tradition.
It's your birthday.
You'll always be our baby.
- Would a baby have her own dynamite?
- Uh, yeah!
Coolest dad ever. You're welcome!
All right. Well, we're really in a hurry,
so let's go.
Aw, happy birthday,
my sweet little angel girl.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
- [kisses loudly] I love you.
- Love you, Dad. Bye!
- [woman speaks quietly]
- [Doctor] Thank you.
Right. How old are you now?
- Thirty-three.
- I'm nine.
And I'm not getting any younger,
so could you please make her have my baby?
We do usually advise that children
aren't present at these appointments.
It was my idea to come.
How dare you speak about my daughter
like she isn't here?
This is her birthday present.
My apologies, Olive.
Thanks.
Coming to get the blood of a man
is my main present.
- Blood?
- Yeah.
I see.
What's your reason
for wanting a child this way?
Well, my entire family are dead.
To me.
So when Olive was born, I was all alone,
but now we have each other for support
and we both agree
that we're ready for this next step.
And my dad is a pop star, so we'll take
famous blood if you've got it.
Her dad was in a boy band.
Last one to get up off the stool.
Okay. [exhales] So
your test results show that if
you're serious about growing your family,
Olive is wise to be in a hurry.
Thank you.
Egg production slows down dramatically
for women approaching their mid-30s.
Your best chance of conceiving
is to do it now.
Doctor, I'm only 33
and "it" looks about 16,
so trust me, I have plenty of time.
Trust me, you don't.
We have donors in their late teens
and early 20s.
- Ew.
- They're match fit
for a geriatric pregnancy.
What did you just call me?
[scoffing] Olive, we're leaving.
[Olive] Great. Where are we going to get
the blood from now?
[Doctor] She's a remarkable child.
I know! I did that!
I took her father's garbage cum
and I turned it into a princess.
You should be begging me for my business.
Begging me!
[Katherine] Oh, God!
How do any of you even have balls yet?
She's pretty.
I think I should have taken
one of the boobs down slightly.
Nah, I think you're bang on with those.
Maybe it's the angle of her dick.
- Oh, no, I enjoy that.
- Listen, I can't stay late.
I've got a date night with Tom.
I'm helping him put the kids to bed.
Reading stories is a two-man job?
Well, with my four, it is.
May I be excused until dinner, Mum?
You don't have to ask, gal,
but yes, you may.
I know. But I saw it on TV
and I prefer the formality.
You are so lucky to have her.
I found a full bucket of piss
in Eddie's room the other day.
He'd been pissing up there for weeks,
- keeping it in a cupboard.
- [scoffs] Men!
Ugh. Does it say in your jizz bible
if any of the donors are gay?
- I'd love a nice gay son.
- It should.
But it doesn't matter, I can't
go back there. They're too young. Look.
It's like a high school yearbook.
Well, Cameron sounds good.
"Always got a friendly smile."
[laughs] He's happy
because he's a 19-year-old
who just quit his paper route
to jerk off for cash.
You sure you can't just do this with Evan?
Yes. I've reached my maximum
estranged baby's fathers.
Look. Shep's challenging, all right,
but, come on, Evan's hot.
Evan's got a job.
Exactly. He could pay for better lawyers
and destroy me when we split.
Why does your mind automatically go
to the worst-case scenario?
What if you and Evan just worked out?
Now you sound insane.
There will be a problem with Evan.
When I find out what it is,
I won't be tethered to him with a baby.
Don't have two then.
You nailed it the first time.
What if I could nail it again?
You know what? If it'll stop you
getting another mouse dog
Look at 'em! They just shiver
and piss from their eyes.
[dog whimpers]
[phone vibrates]
Oh, hey!
Sorry about today.
Hey, it's okay.
I just wanted to show you something.
It's a Thai restaurant called Thai Tanic.
[laughs]
Oh, that's the best one so far.
Uh, pretty sure it blows everything
you've ever had out of the water.
It beats The Codfather
and it beats Abrakebabra, baby.
Mmm, you're kicking my ass.
Oh, you will never beat Thai Tanic.
Oh, I will. One day, I will.
- I'm going to bed. Love you.
- [Evan] I love[phone beeps]
[gentle piano music plays]
Millie's mummy told her
you're terribly immature.
Ha! Millie's mummy is a mess.
And she also said
that's why Daddy left you.
Is that true?
I love your Daddy very much.
Because he's such a clever man?
He is a genius.
Do you fancy my daddy?
Yep! How could I not? He's so gorgeous.
But then, how come my daddy's
not your boyfriend?
That is because, um,
your dad's, like, too good for me.
Yeah. That's how amazing your daddy is.
- [sings] You've got a crush on my daddy!
- Oh, big time! [chuckles]
- What's that?
- Look!
I made it for Millie
so that she'll be my friend.
Aw, honey, you don't have to be
everyone's friend.
- [Shep yells]
- Daddy!
- [he laughs]
- [Katherine] Stop doing that!
What are you doing here?
You're supposed to do pick-up.
I thought you might like some meat
for the dogs.
The dogs are vegan.
You can't have vegan dogs.
Birthday weekend! Yay!
I'll grab you after school
and we'll have so much fun.
- We're gonna have a barbecue! Yeah!
- [Olive] Yay, meat!
- Bye, Mummy, love you.
- [Katherine] Love you.
Oh, and Daddy?
My mummy's got a crush on you.
[sighs] She misunderstood.
I said I'm going to crush you.
Like I'd be afraid of a left-wing cunt
who won't eat cheese.
Who said that? Shep? Oh, there you are.
You blend in so well to your surroundings.
- You just get back from Afghanistan?
- You look like an art dealer's widow.
Lucky her. My psychic promised me
you'd be dead two years ago.
Unlikely. I'm one of the strongest men
on the planet right now.
- Strongest smelling.
- That smell is pure testosterone.
[groans] I gotta get back.
Bev and I are working on
a big new commission from Adele.
She saw us in The Guardian.
[scoffs] The Guardian?
Adele?
Jealous someone's still making records?
You
Hold on. There's Millie.
- Kid that's been giving Olive a hard time?
- [Katherine] Yeah.
Ah. I know her dad, Brian.
He's in my Pilates class.
Runs that plumbing business
on the broadway.
[Katherine] Interesting.
[Millie scoffs]
- [gasps] Motherfucker!
- [Shep] No! Leave it!
Leave it! You'll embarrass her.
I've given Olive a fundamental
understanding of tae kwon do.
- She's choosing not to use it.
- Let me fucking go!
Calm, calm. Woosah, woosah, huh?
Hey, see?
You do not get a say
in how I parent my daughter.
She's not your daughter, shithead.
She's our daughter.
Yeah. Thanks to me.
Stupid prick.
[Evan] So she goes to pay her bill
and the daughter says to me
"Are you very poor? My house is
much bigger than this ugly little office."
- [Katherine] No!
- Six years old!
The entitlement is extraordinary.
You're never too young
to be an asshole, though.
I hate to say it, but I regretted
giving her such a good filling.
- [they laugh]
- [man] Another bottle?
Oh, yes, please, man.
It was the Argentinian Malbec.
- You having a good night?
- [Katherine] Yeah.
- A much-needed break from the little one?
- [laughs] Yeah.
Why would you agree with him?
I don't need a break from Olive.
I like her.
Hey, I was just saying
it's nice to be having this time,
- just the two of us occasionally.
- Every weekend is not occasionally.
It's too long
to be away from your own kid.
She's with her dad.
I I thought this was cool?
I wish she never went over there.
Then why do you let him see her?
Because he's her dad,
and love don't cost a thing.
. Lo. You're right, it's always. Lo.
Look
I'm sorry, can
Can we start again?
I just feel like
I should be using this time to sleep.
Katherine, I didn't mean to offend you.
Sorry.
I've had a lot on my mind. Um
[sighs] I've been meaning to tell you
Yeah?
[sighs]
I'm ready to have another baby.
Uh
Okay.
This is a big step. This is bigger
than what I thought you wanted, but
You know what? [bangs table]
Fuck it. Yes.
Yes, yes, yes. I'm in. I'm in, 100%.
- When do you want to start trying?
- Soon.
Truth is, Katherine,
uh, we're on exactly the same page.
How about this?
How about we start with me moving in?
I've actually already got some boxes
packed. I've got a little papoose.
I would never carry a hot drink
over the baby.
That's out of the question.
I'm very responsible in that sense.
Am I talking too much? Should I back up?
I'll do whatever it takes,
- is what I'm trying to
- Um
- [Evan] say.
- Okay
-no.
[Evan] No, okay.
I need to do this with a sperm donor.
It's the safest way for me.
- Sperm don
- [waiter] Here we are!
Can you give us a minute?
[laughs] God, I thought you were
being serious for a minute there.
- I'm not joking.
- [laughs] Yeah, right!
Yeah, you have a donor baby
so that it's all yours
and you keep me at a safe distance
so nothing changes for you.
Oh, fuck me, you mean it.
Well, I feel really badly about it,
though.
Don't you love me?
I do love you. That's the problem.
I hate Shep.
You were a 23-year-old girl who got
pregnant by a lunatic in a boy band. You
- You didn't love him.
- But I thought I did.
[Evan] Well, I'm not Shep.
I'm not gonna end up in rehab
and lose my record deal,
because I don't have a record deal.
I have a medical degree.
I know you're not Shep,
but you could hurt me way worse.
I just want us to keep dating.
I I'm not breaking up with you.
Oh, you're not? That's
Ah, well, thank you very much.
Well, I don't wanna lose you!
Equally, I don't wanna be trapped
with you. Do you understand?
[exasperated] Fuck me.
[waiter] One minute!
A lot of waiters say one minute and then
you never see them again, but me,
- I'm right in here.
- Mate, can you fuck off?
How about I just take you straight home?
- But we made anal plans for your place.
- [Evan] Right.
That's what I'm saying.
Let's leave that part of this evening out.
[sighs]
So just regular sex then?
[phone vibrates]
Hey.
Okay, so you're panicking.
- Have I made a mistake?
- [Bev] Absolutely.
But it's not too late
to say you were joking.
Olive can't be an only child.
That's what Beyoncé's parents said
and then they had Solange.
Solange is the true visionary
of that family and you know it.
Are you with Tom?
Only for a few minutes,
when he farts himself awake.
God. It's sick, you know?
People living with men.
No, I love him!
His sleepy little face.
Some of them aren't that bad, you know.
You'll figure it out.
Look, at least you've got the rest
of the weekend to catch up with work.
[phone beeps]
[phone rings out]
[Evan] Hi, you've reached
Dr. Evan Patterson. Leave a message.
[phone beeps]
[sighs]
[upbeat music plays]
Why you sat 'round upset
Looking all lazy? ♪
I've been there too
But I never let it faze me ♪
I told my father I'm making a million ♪
You'll discover, grow, love and live ♪
You know that you can do this ♪
Scared to shoot 'cause you might miss
Didn't know your touch was Midas ♪
It's all yours ♪
Everything you want's for keeps
Everything you wanna be ♪
Don't fall short ♪
You're closer than you've ever been ♪
Higher than you've ever seen ♪
It's all yours ♪
Everything you want's for keeps
Everything you wanna be ♪
Everything you want ♪
Don't fall short ♪
You're closer than you've ever been
Closer than you've ever been ♪
[knock at door]
Hi.
[Katherine] Hi.
I know that leaving Shep was hard,
and I admire all the sacrifices
you've made,
and I don't blame you for being afraid.
Yes. Fearful. Not a bitch.
Yeah, well
Well, a little bit of a bitch.
Look, I'm through paying
for another guy's mistakes.
I don't want you only on the weekends.
I want you, but both of you,
to be my first priorities all the time.
Think about it. You, by some miracle,
got Olive out of Shep.
Shep!
Imagine what you could get
out of a decent guy.
I did get Olive out of Shep.
I don't think it's your place
to decide that a kid doesn't get a dad.
I love you.
And it's cold out here.
- Oh, sorry. Yeah, come in.
- [Evan laughs]
[school bell rings]
What is the meaning of this?
[gasps mockingly]
My private naked photos!
Oh, Jane, we didn't want you
to find out this way.
These appeared on my husband's desk in an
envelope marked, "Urgent plumbing quote."
I mean,
he was horrified when he opened it!
The truth is I wanted to tell you
[loudly] about our ongoing love affair
and he must have panicked.
[scoffs] My husband is not
having an affair with you.
Mr. Michaels! Mr. Michaels!
- Wh
- Excuse me, Mr. Michaels.
I'm sorry, but Jane has just brought
pornography into the playground.
Whoa, what?
It's wildly malicious, Mr. Michaels,
but I've chosen not to press charges
- against the school.
- [chuckles nervously]
Oh, dear.
No! She's planted these
in an attempt to seduce my husband!
Brian?
As physically disgusting
and ham-colored as Brian may be,
you have to find it in your heart
to forgive him
- for taking these naked pics.
- They're bloody selfies!
Mrs. Wooms, I must respectfully request
that you remove yourself
from school property at once,
because I'm almost certain what you've
done here this morning is illegal.
Especially because you can see my pussy
in this one.
- Oh, dear, just
- Thank you.
I am so sorry, Jane.
That was just a warning.
[school bell rings]
[Olive] Mummy!
[Katherine] Hi! Oh!
Did you have a lovely time?
Yeah, I went swimming
and I shot a squirrel in the face.
Wow.
[Shep] Yeah. She's getting to be
a really good little game hunter.
- Bye, Daddy!
- [kisses]
- [Olive] See you later, Mum. Bye!
- Bye.
She got all her shit pretty caked in mud
at the survival class.
Great. I need to talk to you.
If this is about that meat for the dogs,
I didn't know it was stolen.
I heard about that venison heist over
my police scanner, same as everyone else.
No, I assumed it was stolen.
Grocery stores are giant
corporate tax thieves anyway,
putting small butchers out of business.
I haven't set foot inside a Starbucks,
any Starbucks, since they first opened.
Yeah, 'cause you're a rebel who's smarter
than everybody else. I got that. Listen!
I am going to have another baby.
Yeah, I can tell. You look like shit.
It was either that or leukemia.
Could have both.
No, I am not pregnant,
you GI Joe crackhead.
I am going to have another baby,
with a sperm donor.
[laughs]
You're gonna stick some pathetic
random loser's spunk up yourself?
[laughs sarcastically]
Yeah.
Yours.
- What do you mean, mine?
- Well, I've been thinking for some time
that, even though you are, by far,
the worst human being that I have ever met
and I wish you a lifetime
of pain and misery
we somehow made the best kid.
And she needs a sibling.
[tuts and sighs]
[scoffs]
I knew this would happen.
You knew what would happen?
- You want to get back on my dick.
- Christ! No.
I've been to a fertility clinic.
We would do it there.
[inhales] Hmm.
Yeah, I'm gonna have expenses.
You've dedicated your entire life
to being a wanker,
you might as well start
getting paid for it. Fine.
It's an interesting proposition, Kit.
So is that a yes?
I'm gonna need some time
to talk it over with my legal team.
Great.
Okay.
[sighs] They love me.
Even when they hate me, they love me.
[scoffs]
[upbeat music plays]
You took the future ♪
And you wrapped it up in plastic
Wrapped it up in plastic ♪
Suffocate the magic ♪
I told ♪
You so ♪
I told ♪
You so ♪