The Ex List s01e01 Episode Script

I'm going for you a big view here,don't get all answers.
Oh,a psychic! I love! I figured it's the natural bachelor party for rational go for sushi,ride a mechanical bull, a little pseudo-lesbian stopover at the Jiggle Palace, ending with "Clarity.
Insight.
Peace of Mind.
" Man,if this place had a liquor license, it would be my new haunt.
You are the best sister ever on the whole planet.
I'm paying good money for this, so I want you to make sure you get a happy ending.
It's your night.
Okay,bride.
You're first.
You,you're last.
The rest of you,work it out.
You have the limo until what,2:00? We'll make it snappy.
No bells and whistles.
You go over one minute,they charge you the whole hour.
Okay,come on,bride.
I've got a girl crush.
I like your eye shadow.
You're a creative person.
You have your own business, something to do with plants and flowers,like a nursery? - A flower shop.
- Hmm.
There's a woman,she'll become a fixture where you work.
She will become a positive symbol in your life.
Not hiring anyone.
Did I say you were hiring her? From awe to suspicion in two seconds flat.
Do me a favor,for the next five minutes pretend you don't know everything.
- Okay? - Okay.
Okay,great.
Now,I can see you had a lot of men in your life.
You very much want to be married.
Yeah.
I mean to the right person.
I mean I'm not like "I want to get married" girl.
I just I want to marry the right person at the right time, preferably while I'm still looking good.
I do see the potential for marriage in your near future.
Hooray.
However,if you don't get married within the year,you're never gonna marry.
Whoa,whoa,whoa.
What? You need to marry within the year or you'll spend the rest of your life alone.
Are you screwing with me? No.
You know,the eye shadow thing sincere.
Look,I'm just telling you what I see.
Well,w what,when am I gonna meet him? You already have.
You had a romantic relationship with him.
I don't know when.
No,I can't narrow it down.
So you can see a whole potential future of me alone but you can't give me any sort of timeline when I met the guy? Do you have any idea how many men I've dated? - A lot.
- Not a lot.
It's a lot! You recently ended a serious relationship - about four or five months ago.
- Yeah.
It's definitely No way.
It's not him.
It's the guy thinks marriage is institutionalized co-dependency.
You have a five-year-old with him? A son.
Rufus? You're freaking me out.
Rufus is our dog.
We,we have joint custody.
I see him having a little distress.
Something to do with fish and seaweed and water.
Yeah,he's in distress.
It's not that bad.
He'll be fine.
You're the devil.
Hi,baby! Hi! How's my Rufus? Is everying all right? Is he okay? Yeah.
Why wouldn't he be? It it's late.
I'm sorry.
I'm not drunk,by the way.
Okay.
Look,I know it's your weekend with Rufus, but I just really,really need to be with him tonight.
Are you booty-calling our dog? You can turn down the wattage,Smiley.
I just came to protect my dog from a tsunami,not to see you.
Is that what you were doing last Friday? No,last Friday I was self-sabotaging.
Okay.
Our dog,by the way.
"Our dog,by the way.
" Like,first of all,I love you,but you're 33.
Slide,slide,slippy-slide With the itches on the block in a 65 It doesn't take a psychic to know you have,like,a year to get married.
That's why you broke up with Elliott, because you didn't want to wait around anymore, and she couldn't predict ass I mean,she said I was gonna have two daughters and I am so having a boy and a Daph? So you have to marry an ex-boyfriend because your sister puked sushi on your dog? Maybe.
How many times are you gonna wash that poor thing? Until he stops smelling like apple martinis and eel.
I don't understand how that psychic woman sits around screwing with people's heads for a living.
How do I not have that job? Or a job? You know which ex of yours I really loved? That,um,firefighter guy.
- You know,the one who gave you that little,tiny cookbook,- No.
- with the bad hair? Yeah.
- Pete.
No.
No,she cannot marry a guy with that many bumper stickers on the back of his truck.
His brother probable be fly fish.
Maybe he doesn't have the stickers anymore.
People change.
People with that many bumper stickers don't change.
Bella,you're going backwards.
Obviously,something about these guys didn't suit you.
Some of them broke up with me.
I actually think it's really romantic.
I don't see why you have to be so against it.
Okay.
You've known Bella for, - like,what? Three years? - So? I have been putting up with this little man drama of hers since freshman year of college and I can't put up with it again.
I please don't do it to me.
I'm exhausted even just thinking about it.
You can just relax,okay? It's not like I'm even taking it that seriously.
Dad! Good morning.
Dad,what was the name of that family that shared the lake house with the Murphys the year we got the minivan? I don't know.
You should remember.
You spent the summer sneaking off to French-kiss their son.
- What`re you doing? - I am working on it,I am trying to get rid of it.
Yeah,and he's not talking about me.
Dad,you really don't need to do that.
Ah,it'll take two seconds.
You really did a number on your sister last night,huh? Looked like me the day after your mother left, but without that sheen of relief.
Morning.
Don't get mad.
I'm wondering if we should reconsider the bouquet, and I could hold hydrangeas.
You're right.
So,why are you getting rid of the deli board? Because Daddy's always fixing things.
He's here every day looking for a project or just randomly building shelves.
Oh,Daddy.
And why is he calling Elliott for help? You're engaged to Hercules.
Marty had a neck spasm from holding my hair back all night.
Ugh.
And I spent half the morning making a list of my ex-boyfriends because apparently I'm that crazy.
Oh,please.
What do you think I did? You know who I hope it is,if it's not Elliott? Remember that guy Phil with the dumb purple car? This is insane.
I'm supposed to be,like,running to track down Phil? Well,I don't know, but how much would it suck if you don't and the psychic is right? Yeah,but it's not like she was totally spot-on.
What about the whole thing with the woman who's gonna show up here? Even if I did hire someone,which I'm not, you know she's not gonna be watching over me.
Dude.
See,the dog's fine,right? I need another reading.
- No,you don't.
- I do.
You're like a geni.
I'm sorry I ever doubted you.
- No.
- Look,I know I'm supposed to be all content alone and love my life and,yeah,whatever,my life's great, but I I,um,I want to get married, and if you're telling me that I,like,only have one year then,poof,like no soul mate love, I'm gonna need some help.
I already told you everything.
See no.
You didn't.
Is it,is it a guy I was officially boyfriend-girlfriend with? Does one date count? What about a drunken hookup? It's not like I didn't go to college.
Whatever it means to you.
I don't know what it means to me.
I'm not OnStar.
I'm not gonna start giving you constant directions.
This is your journey.
Obviously,you have lessons to learn.
Didn't I already learn them? I've been dating since the womb.
How dumb am I? Look for the signs.
Now that you're awake to this, you're gonna start seeing them everywhere.
Actually,you think you're gonna see them everywhere, so don't drive yourself more crazy.
Just look for the really obvious ones.
Hmm? Really? Stupid.
Johnny Frickin' Diamont? Angel,and the moon that lights my night You're the angel in my dreams You're the earth beneath my feet,angel And the fire in my soul You're in my soul Right on,man.
That was for Bella.
It was for you.
I've been trying to call you.
I just had,like,the most amazing stream of consciousness right now.
I'm gonna write us a rock opera, you know,that we could,like,sing together.
How we met and how we made love,and it it's like The sky was opened I can't sing.
And that's okay.
God.
It's like every time - that I see you,I,I,I - Johnny.
I'm just so into you.
God! You know what? I want to,like,get tattoos together and drink each other's blood.
We need to break up.
- No.
- Johnny, you asked me to give another week.
I gave it another week four times.
- It's not working.
- No,it's working.
Okay,it,it's,it's just working so well that you just can't see it, and that,like,terrifies you,man.
Look,we're in different places.
You want to drink my blood.
I want to go have margaritas and,like see a movie or something.
I can't take all the emotion and crying.
And on my birthday.
Uh I'm so sorry.
You didn't remember my birthday?! Baby,I'm sorry.
Oh,my God! Happy birthday.
This is like some kind of,like,nightmare or something.
Happy birthday.
No,happy birthday.
No.
You know what? Forget it,man.
Hit the road.
No,no,no,we suld,like,celebrate or something.
No.
I'm in the middle of a gig here.
Okay? That's right.
Gigging right now.
Bella! Bella! Really? You are gonna hitch your hope wagon to Johnny Tearducts? There are higher forces at work here.
I'm just trying to avoid dying alone.
He wasn't a bad guy.
So he's a little passionate.
Whatever.
Didn't he try to suck your blood? Drink my blood.
Like in a nice way.
I was just going to check out his show and see what happens.
I'm going to tell you exactly what's going to happen.
You're going to go; he's going to sing a couple songs about rainbows,get a little misty and then you're going to be right back here telling me how you're afraid that your lady parts have closed up.
Oh! There's seriously not one single job that doesn't require prior experience.
What about prior experiences, you know,like experiencing the nitty-gritty of real life? You should say that on your next interview.
Yeah,I'm taking advice from the chick who bases her decisions on vomit and bird poop.
Dude,cinnamon graham crackers? I grabbed without looking.
Cyrus,why can't you just take that job at the nursing home? Because when I went to visit my grandmother, one of the old ladies sexually harassed me.
And the hospital director has the balls to say it's my fault 'cause I dressed too sexy.
I don't need that.
Hey.
Baby,what did you want for breakfast, but you just couldn't have? S'mores.
Oh,baby why did you get the cinnamon ones? Oh Want to come to a show with me tonight? It'll suck.
You know what,I would, but,um I can't.
You can't come to a show because your crotch shed? What do you think? I was the afraid the Hitler made me look too fat,so I went with Gandhi.
- You want my honest opinion? - Of course.
My main thought is,really? I mean,come on already.
You ladies and your advanced grooming.
When did having a vagina become a full-time job? You know how much pressure you're putting on the lazy,pain-fearing Lincolns of the world? I'm just giving it a try.
Relax.
I'm sorry,but you teach high school history.
You should have pubic hair.
Oh,please.
The head of the English department has a Prince Albert.
So we says.
You know,you should try this.
It's actually making me kind of randy.
It's like all out there,you know? I know,I saw.
Augie is going to lose his mind.
That's great.
Why can't you come with me? I can't put pants on.
I'm all tender.
- So wear a skirt.
- I'm going to be cold.
Wrap a scarf around it.
I think tonight I'm going to consist of S'mores and marathon sex with a grateful boyfriend.
Fine,whatever.
You suck.
Have fun.
You,too.
So why didn't I ever meet this guy? Because we spent most of the relationship sitting in his van talking about feelings.
You know,sometimes I'm out and I look around at all the men and it makes me want to go home and,like,knit Marty blanket or something.
Go,Johnny! Whoa,crybaby's a little badass.
Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch! Bitch Thanks for coming out.
Holy hottie,Batman.
Bitch disguised as an angel,made me want to die Said she gots to go in the middle of my show She didn't even tell me why,she didn't even try Bitch left me on my birthday,ripped my world apart Bitch left me on my birthday,angel with no heart Bitch left me on my birthday Based on a true story,man.
On his birthday! - # Bitch! # - # Bitch # Left me on my birthday,heart is made of lead Bitch left me on my birthday,birthday wishes dead Bitch left me on my birthday Bitch! Look,I'm sorry.
But wouldn't that be kind of gross if that turned me on? You look like a ten-year-old girl.
I feel like a pervert.
You got used to the Hitler.
Well,the Indian pacifist just is not my thing.
That says a lot about you,don't you think? It's not right,okay? There's hair there for a reason.
Oh,really? And what exactly is the reason? I don't know.
Maybe it's nature's way of saying, "Hey,look over here.
There's something really cool.
But it's so cool we just can't show it to you.
" So,it's the easy viewing that's bothering you? No.
Look,I'm sorry.
I grew up looking at my dad's "Playboys" from the '70s,okay? Real boobs and shag carpeting.
Times have changed,Augie.
Girls have gone wild.
That's exactly my point.
I don't think that the porn industry - should be dictating fashion.
- Okay,well, my point is that I don't care if I painted it blue and hung shingles on it, you should never ever walk away from it.
Ever.
Dude,what's your problem? I don't want to,like,open an old wound or anything.
What would his fans think if he sees me and,like,bursts into tears? That you're the bitch that dumped him on his birthday.
- We should leavave.
- No.
What if he is the one? Or what if he's not and you're just supposed to get back with him long enough so you can break up with him on Christmas? So he can put out a holiday album.
Guess I'm just looking for an obvious sign.
Freaking psychic.
Women with acrylic nails always screw me over.
All right,I'm running to the little girls' room.
Try not to be anyone's muse.
And you think love is to pray But I'm sorry I don't pray that way Once I ran to you Now I'll run from you This tainted love you've given I give you all a girl could give you Take my tears and that's not nearly Oh tainted love Tainted love Don't touch me,please I cannot stand the way you tease I love you,though you hurt me so Now it's time you pack your things and go Tainted love.
The guy sings a five-minute song about what I bitch I am, and then kisses me and walks away.
I should not be turned on right now.
I can't believe he walked away.
I mean,who does that? And what,has he been locked away at T Hot Rocker Academy of Kissing for the past five years? Hey,Bella.
What? Where's my car? Hello! Obvious sign,girl.
What the hell? - You were driving.
- Exactly.
I was busy.
Dude,I'm gonna blame you.
It's my option.
Are you serious? I'm not paying this time,just so you know Hi,Marty.
Um,so,my sister is an ass.
And,uh,we're gonna need a ride.
We're,like,at Wilson's.
Hey.
I totally wasn't waiting for you.
My sister's car got towed.
Right.
Johnny! What's up,brother? - Good show tonight,man.
- Thanks,brother.
- See you tomorrow,Johnny.
- Johnny.
Yeah,the show was great.
Your musical tastes have changed a bit,huh? Oh,yeah,I guess you can't really sing along to the new stuff,huh? I don't sing,remember? - Yeah.
I do.
- I noticed you're rocking the eyeliner now.
What's up with that? What,you don't like it? I dig it.
It's just,I I admire that you can do the "in the eye" thing.
It makes me look like Boy George.
Yeah,well,uh you never needed any help drawing attention to your eyes.
So,how's It was good to see you,Bella.
- Oh.
Okay.
- Take care.
Bye.
He shut me down.
Boom! Gone.
See ya.
It was cold.
Yet you found it hot.
No,I mean,he was hot while he happened to be shutting me down, but it's not like the shutting down itself was hot.
I really think he's changed.
Yeah,he's changed into a guy that doesn't like you anymore.
And it happened the same exact time he became more appealing.
Weird.
Dude,he totally still likes me.
I don't know what you're getting so indignant about.
You won't even kiss me when I get my sideburns trimmed like a quarter of an inch too short.
When they're too short,your chin looks huge.
I warn you about that before every haircut.
- Bella.
- Oh,jeez.
didn't Vivian almost break up with me one time for wearing Crocs? I'm kind of still kind of asleep,Aug.
You're supposed to love me no matter what.
Anything I do.
Whatever.
That's ridiculous.
So,if you put on 200 pounds and become a serial killer, I'm supposed to just roll with that? Like normal things,Augie.
Like,what if I suddenly grew a disgusting mole out of my back,like Bella.
Ew.
You grew something.
Let me see.
- No.
- Come on.
No,it's disgusting.
It was like a little freckle a month ago and then it just ran amuck.
All right,now you're gonna have to show me.
Seriously,you might be,like,sick.
Let us help.
I'm very sensitive about this.
Do not make fun.
I'm serious.
Do not make fun.
Okay.
Promis promise,promise.
Oh! No! Oh,my God,you guys suck.
So,if I had one of those on my back, you wouldn't lust after me anymore? Um no,no,I wouldn't.
Seriously,you should never show that to a potential soul mate ex.
Maybe it's a sign.
You should see if psychic chick can read it.
Hey,what's up,guys? Hey,dude.
- Morning.
- Hey,man.
Late night? What are you doing here? It's a beautiful day.
I thought I'd take Rufus for a hike.
I don't like that you just show up here whenever.
Yeah? Like how you just show up at my house? Those were extenuating circumstances.
You're not the only one who worries about a tsunami.
Why don't you come with us? We'll just hike the lower ridge, grab some lunch; it'll be fun.
Because it'll be just like we're dating, but we're not,so,no.
I like how you'll take me to your sister's wedding, but you won't go for a hike with me.
I like how you'll live with me for three years, but you won't marry me.
Oh,see? Hike's ruined.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
See you guys.
Later.
Just so you know, when Elliott showed up,I think your mole moved.
Seriously,it's like twitched a line bit.
Skin Nugget thinks Elliott's the one.
He doesn't want to be the one.
Hey.
We didn't really get a chance to catch up the other night,so Is there something that you want from me,Bella? I thought maybe we could grab a drink, but if you're not into it "Into it"? Yeah,you know what? I could be into it.
I could also just want revenge.
You know,like,big, classic John Hughes cinematic movie revenge.
But you could also be into it? See? Like right there.
I mean,just for,like,a nanosecond, I'm thinking,wow,she is so adorable I want to just die.
And then I just want to throw eggs at you.
Look,if I could provide you with the me from sevenrs ago, I would say "egg away," but it's been a while.
I'm a very different person.
Really? Dude,I was 26.
26-year-old women think they're the center of the universe.
I'm not I'm not like that anymore.
I'm very,very different.
I'm more thougful and open and concerned about what's going on in other people's lives.
And you still have great timing.
Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday,dear Johnny Happy birthday to you And many more.
Hey,that was fantastic.
It's Bella.
Um I'm at the shop.
I hope you're having a really nice party and a great birthday.
Okay.
Happy birthday.
Why aren't you at your party? Um,you sounded like you were choking when you called.
Thought I should come over and make sure you were all right.
You seem fine.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Happy birthday.
So,you,uh need some help? What are these? Um those are bluebells.
They're for my sister's bouquet.
They're cute.
We went the "beauty and meaning" route, so every flower is symbolic.
Like,bluebells are for humility.
Peonies.
They're for sharing a happy life.
And,uh these little guys? Those are those are lilies of the valley.
They're for sweetness.
I can feel the pressure building And I want you like I don't know Oh,boy I'm a sucker for your sound And I love it when you're around I'm a sucker for your sound You know I'm playing with you now.
I missed you so much,my angel.
My heart is so full right now.
So was he crying with with sound, or just physical tears? A little sound.
Did he at least throw himself into traffic after? No.
After,we talked about the intense feelings he has for me and why he has them.
Which should be fun,right? I don't know why I spend so much time on my abs when nothing turns women on more than indifference.
- Not what it's about,Cy.
- All I know is rocker guy was a changed man when he was blowing you off.
And then he cried.
Just saying,she's a girl who needs the chase.
- No,I'm not.
- Yeah,you are.
But this time it's totally about the crying.
So he showed a little emotion.
Girls are supposed to like that.
I do not need the chase.
Bella,you're a control freak.
You love a project.
To you,an ambivalent guy is like a poorly organized closet.
I don't I don't want ambivalence.
I want to be adored.
Johnny's great.
The guy touches my face.
You know how many face-touching guys are left out there? I hope it's a similar amount to the number of hand-washing guys.
Good morning,my love! Dude,just sack up,already.
Geez! I saw it.
It was fine.
It was cute.
Whatever.
Excuse me.
Gotta go to the office.
Later.
What the hell did you do to this thing? Were you hanging from it? Nothing.
I don't know.
It's old.
- You had sex right there.
- Shut up.
- Right where your father is.
- Shut up.
- He totally knows.
- My point is it took Elliott a year to say he loved me, and another year to say it without using a cartoon voice.
I think I should be ready for a guy who shows emotions,right? - Yeah.
Totally.
- Don't you think? Just maybe not so many of them.
And on separate occasions.
And,like,when you're not there.
Hey,beautiful.
Hi.
This is a surprise.
I hope it's okay.
I just I couldn't stop thinking about you.
Dad.
Um You know,I found a strand of your hair on my jacket.
What,is he shipping out tomorrow? It smelled like you.
I'm kind of working.
I love that you're working.
I love that you work here,and that your hair smells.
Thank you.
Oh,can we go for a walk or something? Yeah.
Is that? Get a cramp? You okay? Yeah! We should come back to the beach tonight.
Yeah! We should come back to the beach tonight and go skinny-dipping.
Yeah! You know? Like,I just want to be naked in the dark ocean with you.
Naked.
You know? Johnny? No,no,no,no,no.
Everything's fine,it's just What? I like you.
I just need you to,like,taper it back a little.
Just a little.
Like this.
You don't need to do that.
It's all good.
We're cool.
You're kinda,like,bam, instant on me,bam? Yeah.
and I need to,like,ease into it.
Have a little flirty time.
I don't want flirty time.
Flirty time's awesome.
Flirty time is not awesome,okay? This is awesome.
This.
This is awesome,okay? Come on.
Don't be afraid of it,Bella.
You have absolutel no patience.
You're going to drive yourself crazy for nothing.
You made me crazy.
You,like,told me to look for the signs.
Like bird poop and lightning bolts or,like,actual signs? I don't know if you've noticed, but there's a lot of signage out there in the world.
I told you only to pay attention to the really obvious ones.
The signs,thus far,have been conflicting.
Would you like me to come with you and show you the correct ones? I could ring a bell and point.
This is not about me,okay? A very nice person could get hurt.
Nice people get hurt every day.
Sometimes,it's good for them.
Did I,like,screw you out of land during the Renaissance or something? Why do you hate me so much? - This is me liking you.
- Well,can you stop? And,seriously,how are you so slim? Here's what you got right.
Ready? It's not just about you.
That's all you're getting.
You want a burger,baby? No.
So how am I the stupidest person in the world? When did that happen? I think you've been working towards that for a while.
I am totally stuck.
I cannot break up with him again.
He's the most loving,open guy.
All he wants to do is give and share.
The absolute worst word you can use to describe a guy is what? "Busty"? "Emotional.
" "Busty's" pretty bad,too.
It's clearly not working for you,Bella.
Why don't you just end it already? I can't.
I can't hurt his pride again.
I mean,like,I'll have to wait till he breaks up with me.
I wonder how he feels about the Gandhi.
Real men do not fear the Gandhi.
I'm sorry.
What was that? I said that as loudly as I possibly could.
Look,you really want him to break up with you? -Yes.
- Just be needy.
Be clingy.
Ask him how he's feeling every five seconds.
Ask him about sex with his ex-girlfriends, and then get really upset over anything he tells you.
Basically,just do exactly what you did wrong with the last guy you dated that you really liked.
I can totally do that.
Always be on my side.
Just stay.
I have a rehearsal.
Let's just be naked for five more minutes.
I'm sorry.
I'm already 30 minutes late,all right? I gotta go,okay? I'm sorry.
Please.
We could take a bath.
Just soak in the tub till we get raisin fingers.
That sounds really great, but the guys are waiting for me,all right? Fine! You know what? Just go.
Seriously.
Okay,the band rents the rehearsal space.
It's not like we're meeting in somebody's basement.
Are you not attracted to me? What?! I just can't help thinking if I was some hot,tatted-up 22-year-old, maybe rehearsal wouldn't seem so important right now.
This is insane.
I mean,I know I've gained a little weight, but it's not like I'm not going to lose it.
I just have to be careful because of my food issues, and,yes,maybe I have a tra of body dismorphic disorder again, but whatever.
Who doesn't? I have to go.
You're so grossed out right now! I am not grossed out,okay? I'm just late.
Don't leave me! What is with you tonight? I don't know! I don't know Fine.
Let's go take a freakin' bath and figure it out.
Come on.
Let's go make raisin fingers.
Baby,the MySpace page is just for the band.
You have nothing to worry about.
I can't believe you were stalking me on MySpace.
Hey,would you mind washing my back? Mind? I'd pay good money to wash that back.
Come here.
There you go.
This beautiful, exquisite, amazing Uh! What? What? Um Did you know that you have a thing - What? - on on your back? Like a like a freckle? Like a mole.
Is it gross? It's,uh,um It's pretty big.
You need a doctor to look at this.
Okay,yeah,um, you know what? Uh,we should get out.
Come on.
You know what I want to do? I want to go on the computer and check out one of those medical sites.
I mean,I'm sure that it's nothing, but I'm gonna worry about it until I know for sure.
How could such an ugly mole end up on such a foxy lady? Nature screwed up.
Come on.
Thank you for being so sweet to me.
Why wouldn't I be? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that I hurt you.
Come on.
Bella? Bella?! Hey.
He's still sleeping.
What? He's still here? All right,look,I did something really stupid.
If you did something bad to Augie,don't tell me.
I love you,but he's been my best friend for 15 years.
No,it's not that, but thank you,by the way.
There's a hierarchy.
I'm sorry.
Alright,look,this is the most embarrassing moment of my entire life.
Really? 'Cause Oh! What is that? Bella,I swear to God,if you laugh Ser seriously,what the hell is that? - It's a merkin.
- Is it alive? How do you not know what a merkin is? It's like a toupee for down there.
How would I know that? Is it the next link in the chain of crazy, wax-it-all-off-and-stick- something-else on? It's from,like,a zillion years ago when prostitutes would have to shave everything off so they wouldn't get lice.
That one's a reproduction,right? Are you gonna help me or not? What do you want me to do,braid it? I can't get it off.
Oh,sweetie I accidentally put it on sideways, and,and now I can't get it off, and I have a Ted Koppel.
Oh,sweetie,come here.
Don't worry.
We'll take care of you.
Okay.
Okay.
Stop laughing! Bella? Okay,okay,okay.
Holy cow.
Okay.
God,be careful! What was the plan here? You know,to show Augie that he's an idiot.
I figured he'd see some hair,come on to me, and then,you know I take advice from you? Hey.
Good morning.
Did I wake you? No.
No,I I thought you were gone.
I was gonna make you some breakfast.
Come back to bed.
Come here.
Are you okay? I'm in bed with the girl of my dreams.
Why wouldn't I be okay? I'm so glad we talked yesterday.
I was really overwhelmed and ready to bolt, and you were just so cool and understanding.
I don't want to make the same mistakes I made last time.
You know I think that I am going to have to write,like, a couple million songs about you.
Oh,yeah? Is that okay? Or do you need me to,like,taper back? No! No,that's perfect.
Hmm? Yeah.
Hey! Hi! Oh,sorry.
Do you know your friend here is a pervert? A $60 Brazilian wax and he's grossed out, but yet Neosporin and scabs are apparently really enticing.
Baby,I would do you if you had Bella's mole.
I just don't like it when you mess with yourself.
You guys,you have to come tonight.
You have to.
Johnny's got a gig.
And you're thinking if he meets your friends,he'll dump you.
No,I'm thinking it'll make him happy and I want to be supportive.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Right.
I'm sorry.
Come here.
Come here.
Hmm? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah.
Whoo-oo! I hope he sings that song about star-shine.
Whoo! This first song is for a very special woman in my life.
Bella,put your hand up.
I want everyone to see who you are.
You,uh changed my life.
This song is for you.
You're the devil and angel in the soul In your heart,there's a big fat gaping hole I fell again You said to taper back Gone in the morning Revenge is stronger than love Stronger than love Revenge,you'll be single forever Revenge,revenge You'll die alone Revenge,you'll be single forever Revenge,revenge,revenge,revenge You'll die alone I hope the dog can get used to a houseful of cats 'Cause it's crazy,eternally solo Nutty nut job cat-lady life for you Am I tapering back enough for you,angel? Revenge,you'll be single forever Revenge,revenge You'll die alone On the bright side,I did not find Johnny's performance the slightest bit hot.
And I do not know why you didn't let me just kick his ass.
I kinda had it coming.
You know what's great about being broken up with via rock song? Via crappy rock song that didn't even rhyme.
You get all the information.
I feel totally debriefed.
I do not want you marrying a musician anyway.
You think he's all rock star and in the end,he's just some bitter 50-year-old who still wears black jeans.
Do you see how low that is? I used to be able to touch my knee to my nose.
Without having sex? Hah! My career is so over.
Thank God I'm getting Oh,my God,my ring is gone! Now don't freak out.
I'm not freaking out.
You know I'm great at this.
I'm not freaking out.
A earring? No.
Engagement ring.
I'd ask you to help,but I doubt you know what one looks like and I don't have time to draw you a picture.
You always underestimate me.
Seriously,dude,I almost peed my pants.
Thank you! What are you doing? Nothing.
I'm starving.
Thought maybe you'd join me for brunch.
Forever? I don't think it'll take that long.
Elliot,I don't want to just be your girlfriend.
What makes you think being your half girlfriend's making me any happier? You're not hating me as much.
I want a life partner, not bi-weekly sex and a hangout buddy.
I'm on the soul mate path,man.
No stopping or standing.
I don't want you to come to the wedding with me.
And I don't want to see you anymore unless it's about Rufus.
I think it's better this way.
Yeah,well you're wrong.
Moo? How are you? What are you doing out here? Hi,my name is Bella.
I think I may have found your cat.
No,I was gonna try and grab him,but I was afraid he'd run.
Um,yes.
Class of '92.
Shut up! No way! Tommy Anzide,how are you? What are you doing? AUGIE: Bella,you got ten seconds before I take your turn! Ten,nine, Thank you.
Tell me you took a long time just to make me a burrito.
Oh,look at that.
You covered your hideous mole with a Band-Aid.
Thoughtful.
Seriously,just get that removed.
I will when it gets colder.
I'll blame it on a place Where I keep my questions hidden