The Exes (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

Come on, Stuart.
Come on, this is exactly what you need right now.
Moving in with a bunch of divorced guys would mean that I've given up hope.
That my marriage to Lorna is over.
Stuart, as your attorney, let me assure you, your marriage to Lorna is over.
Remember? She signed the papers a week ago.
That doesn't mean anything.
In the darkest ink I have ever seen.
- Well, maybe she was - She said, "yay.
" Holly, I'm sorry.
It's just I miss being married.
I miss my wife.
I miss my house.
No, Stuart, no more missing, okay? Remember what we've practiced? "I'm a divorced man, and I'm ready to move on.
" I'm a divorced man, and I'm ready to move on.
- Did you mean it? - Not really.
That's the spirit.
You know, what if they don't want a roommate? I mean, are you sure? I mean, what if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? How long have they been divorced? Stuart, I answered less questions to pass the bar.
Now, stay here.
Why? Because I wanna be the one to give them the good news.
Come insky.
Oh, hey, Haskell, it's hold onsky.
I am seconds away from selling Vuvuzelas.
- These loud, annoying horns? - Yeah.
How much are you gonna make? Well, after processing, taxes, shipping and handling, I should clear Nothing.
Hey-hey.
Did someone order six feet of sexy? Phil, does a line like that ever work? Apparently, it does.
Holly, I want you to meet the lovely - Alicia.
- Alicia.
Alicia is a very accomplished - Waitress.
- Waitress! Right, waitress! Right, yeah.
Yeah, actually, Alicia was leaving.
She has to get back to the, um Restaurant? Yes, yes.
Okay, guys, I have great news.
I found a roommate for that third bedroom.
I didn't know we were looking.
Well, that is how all great roommate stories begin.
So the mother Hen's taking in another stray.
Well, may I remind you, you were one of those strays.
So was Haskell.
What's he like? Oh, you know, easy-going.
Really respects boundaries.
Super-cool, super-cool.
You know, when you lie, you say everything twice.
No, I don't.
No, I don picking a new roommate is a delicate matter.
He's gotta fit in.
Take Haskell and I.
We've said, what, in the last month? - If that.
- Yeah.
We got a good thing going.
We don't get involved in each other's lives.
You know, I don't know what you had for breakfast.
I don't even know your last name.
- Fist bump.
- Too intimate.
Right.
All right, well, I'll take 200 bucks off next month's rent if you guys take him.
You're marking the guy down? It's not a good sign.
All right, well, the offer expires in 30 seconds.
He's here, isn't he? No, he's not.
No, he's no open the door.
All right.
Stuart oh, hi.
Come in.
I want you to meet Phil chase.
Hey, buddy, how's it going? - Good to meet you.
- That's Haskell Lutz.
Hi, what's up.
Uh, first of all, I want to thank you guys for, uh, letting me live here in the man cave.
And, uh, just so we get off on the right foot, I want you to know that I am gonna do my share.
Where's, uh where's your chore schedule? We don't have one.
Well, then, I guess we've found our first chore.
Hollyyyyy.
Oh, this is so adorable.
I smell bromance in the air.
Ah, good morning, Haskell.
I made my special scramble for breakfast to celebrate our first morning of living together.
So you're gay, huh? No, I'm not gay.
Hey, I could care less.
But if you are, I'm not gonna walk around in my underwear.
I don't want to be a tease.
Ah, good morning, Phil.
I made eggs.
Awesome.
I didn't even know we had pans.
Whatcha thinking? I'm thinking I paid someone half my money to never hear that question again.
Yeah, yeah, you know, marriage marriage is a tricky little devil, isn't it? I know with mine Look, look.
Stuart, this apartment is a sharing-free zone.
Just think of me as the guy at the urinal.
Nod.
Say nothing.
Keep it moving.
Who is it? Your overworked and underpaid assistant.
Hi-hi.
Wow.
Looks like somebody's got a night of partying ahead of 'em.
Oh, by 6:00 A.
M.
, I hope to be looking at the club stamps on my hand, trying to figure out which one I left my panties at.
It's always good to have goals.
Hey, so how's it going with Stuart? Oh, you know, it's been a couple days, and I have not heard a peep from the boys across the hall.
I think it's going really nicely.
Holly, why do you care so much about these guys? Huh.
I-I think it's because as their divorce attorney, I see them at their lowest, you know.
They're like broken birds, and they just need somebody to fix their wings.
- Mm-hmm.
I knew it.
- Mm.
My mother says you immerse yourself in these guys' lives to distract yourself from dealing with your inability to sustain a meaningful relationship of your own.
But what does she know? She's just a therapist.
I'll get it.
Heyyy.
Hi.
Phil, off.
She looks like someone threw a hot chick in the dryer.
Phil, what do you want? Oh, Holly, he's killing me.
Stuart is killing me.
You have to take him back.
No, you're kidding me.
How bad could it be? How bad could it be? I'll show you how bad it could be.
I call this, "hi, Phil, it's me.
" Sit down.
Hi, Phil, it's me.
Just wondering what time you'll be home for dinner.
Hi, Phil, it's me.
Do me a favor.
Pick up some asparagus to go with my roast.
Hi, Phil, it's me.
Make it white asparagus.
It's just more fun.
Hi, Phil, it's me.
I wanna have a guys' night out, you, me, and Haskell.
Hey, have you seen Jersey Boys? Hi, Phil, it's me.
Hi, Phil, it's me.
Hi, Phil, it's Sandy.
I miss you.
That address you gave me must've been wrong, because it's a vacant lot.
Crazy Sandy's a whole 'nother nightmare.
All right, look, I I know Stuart's a little overeager, but he's just trying to fit in.
Well, tell him to fit in back with his wife.
That's all he talks about, getting back together with her.
There is no getting back.
Stuart doesn't know this, but she's already seeing someone else.
I think they're living together.
It just would kill him if he found out.
Oh.
That's not good.
Yeah.
Oh, I almost forgot.
I'm gonna be late for work tomorrow.
Honey, tomorrow's Saturday.
I'm gonna be late for work Monday.
Sandy.
Hey, h-how'd you find out where I lived? Stuart told me.
Guilty.
Yeah, I was in your room, folding your socks well, uh, rolling them.
Well, uh, folding.
Uh, fold-rolling them.
You'll see.
And, um, phone rang.
It was Sandy.
If Stuart hadn't picked up that phone, I was never gonna call again.
But he did! Huh? Stuart? Kitchen.
Don't be long, Philly-willy.
So I like Sandy.
She's nice.
She's nuts.
I've been avoiding her for a month.
W-why are you avoiding her? She seems to really like you.
She told me all about that great Alaskan cruise she's planning for you and her parents.
What's wrong with that? We went on a coffee date Once.
And her parents died in 1986.
Oh, that's just crazy.
Listen, Stuart.
You have no business going in my room, messing with my socks, or answering my phone.
Old reflex, you know.
When you're married, you answer each other's phones.
We're not married.
Dude, I'm not your wife.
But I'm starting to see why she left you.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing.
No, come on.
Come on, Phil.
You got something to say? Say it.
Okay.
Fine.
You're needy.
You're clingy.
You're stifling me, Stuart.
You're like my ex-wife, but without the expensive breasts.
All right, I might be clingy and a little needy, but at least I'm capable of making a real human connection.
You know what, Phil? I hope that one day you realize you need people, too.
It's not just me.
He lives here, too.
Haskell, please.
Tell him how he's driving you outta your mind.
I'm in my room last night.
He comes in, demands I put down my computer and have a conversation.
Thank you for a beautiful evening.
Are you happy? You've ruined Haskell! You ruin everything.
That's it.
That's it! I don't stay where I'm not wanted.
I'm gonna pack my bags and go.
Excellent! But before I go, I got something I wanna say to you.
Bring it on! I wanna thank you for giving me a place to live and taking me in these last few days it meant a lot to me! Phil? Well, if it isn't the world's sexiest sportscaster.
Hey, you.
What are you doing in town, Bree? I flew in to do the Knicks pre-game.
And that new guard you represent is crushing it, what! You look amazing.
Thank you.
What do you say we blow this place and go somewhere quieter? I'd love to But.
Hello.
You must be the But.
Phil, meet Jill.
She flew in with me.
We're making it a girls' night.
Where she goes, I go.
Well, uh, tell you what.
Why don't we make it a double date? I'll go get my roommate Haskell.
That guy from the couch who tried to sell me the reversible shoes? I don't think so.
Let's make it another night.
No, no, wait.
Look.
I have another roommate.
A new one.
I'll go get him.
Well, what's he like? I wanna have a good time.
Is he fun? Is he fun? Is he fun? He's so fun, he knocks my socks off! And then he folds them and puts them in my drawer.
I'll be back! Hey, Stuart.
How you doing, buddy? Don't worry, Phil I'll be out of your life in just a minute.
What's the rush? Look.
I know some things were said before.
Some very hurtful things.
Let's just say some things were said.
But I'm willing to put that behind us and start over.
I don't get it.
Why the sudden turnaround? The truth? Well, you know, I was downstairs at the bar, and I just couldn't stop thinking about you.
My heart was hurting.
Hurtin' real bad.
Deep in my soul.
Why do I think this is about your soul getting into another soul's pants? Okay, you're right.
But this girl's special.
Her name's Bree.
And we've had a thing for each other for years.
But I need you to take her friend off my hands.
Uh, uh, sorry, did did you just say you need me? - Well, yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- So - What you're saying is sometimes you can't do everything alone, hence you need meeeee.
Fine, I need you.
Say it like you mean it.
I needyou.
Are you happy? Getting there.
Great.
So you'll do it.
On one condition.
Ask me to stay.
Will you stay? Stuart! Sorry, just enjoying the moment.
Yeah, I'll stay.
- Great! - All right, all right.
I'll see you down there in a few minutes.
You're gonna be able to pull this off, though, right? I mean, I know you've been out of the game for a while.
Come on, hey.
Trust me.
I'm a player.
Uh, a playah.
Would is is it "play-er" or "play-ah"? If you have to ask, neither.
Stuart, are you sure you're even ready to go on a date? No.
But I want to do it for Phil.
And we only have a few minutes.
All right.
Okay.
Well, I'll get you through this.
Uh, let's do a little role-playing.
- All right, go ahead.
- Hi, I'm holly.
You must be Stuart.
Uh, hi, Holly.
Nice to meet you.
Uh, what do you do for a living? I'm an attorney.
Oh, that's very impressive.
- Thank you.
- You know, my wife, Lorna What's wrong? You're on a date, and you said the word wife? Why don't you just wear a sign that says, "please run from me"? Uh, so, um, let me tell you a little bit about myself.
Uh, recently divorced.
Bummer, right? But, um, my new motto is ready, set, life! - Yeah, lose the motto.
- Yeah.
Okay, um, uh, how about you, Holly? Ever been married? Nope.
I was engaged once.
Really? What happened? Oh, I don't wanna talk about it.
Holly, come on.
Really.
You know everything about my life.
I know nothing about yours.
That's true.
All right.
Um, well When I got engaged, I bought the apartment you guys are living in.
And a few days before the wedding, I went to check and see if the baseboards were being installed properly, and the only thing being nailed was my fiance.
Wow, that That, um That must've been traumatic.
No wonder you bury yourself in your work.
I do not.
I have a date.
I have a date.
In fact, you should go.
He'll be here any minute.
That must be him.
Okay, we both know that was the microwave.
All right.
Yeah, and I rescued them from the burning flames.
Psh, lesson learned.
Never barbecue a thin piece of fish.
Hey, uh, Bree.
You want a tour of the apartment? Hmm.
I'd love one.
Yeahhh.
I'm proud of you, man.
Keep it up! - Sorry.
- Oh, that's okay.
So, uh, tell me more about you.
I, uh, I want to get to know Jill.
Uh, well, I'm a realtor, although I've always wanted to write children's books.
- Oh.
- But my husband, Larry, says I find when dating, it's best not to bring up the exes.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just a little nervous.
I'm I'm kind of new to this dating thing.
Oh, that's cool.
That's cool.
I was, uh, I was once a rookie, too.
Well, um, how long have you been back on the scene? About an hour and a half.
Well, you you don't show it.
I mean, you seem so self-assured, so confident.
Well, you know, it's just survival.
Hmm.
I mean, life goes on.
And being with you tonight and looking into those big, beautiful eyes makes me realize how much I miss my wife.
You remind me of my husband.
He was a crier, too.
He was so sensitive.
He was so sweet.
He sounds like a great guy.
He was.
I should never have given up so soon.
Yeah, and that's what I'm doing.
It's I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Jill.
I'm I'm not ready to move on.
I'm I'm going home.
I'm gonna convince my wife to take me back.
Well, good luck.
It was really nice meeting you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Hey, Haskell.
Where's, uh where'd Stuart and Jill go? You want the long or the short version? Short.
Well, I was online buying styrofoam peanuts.
FYI, the beauty is that when you ship them, they require no packing materials.
Suddenly, I hear this woman crying her eyes out.
Turns out it was Stuart.
Uh, Haskell.
Shorter.
Ah.
Stuart ran home to try and convince his wife to take him back, leaving Jill on the couch, alone and vulnerable.
But apparently not that vulnerable.
Stuart went home? He can't go home.
If he sees his ex-wife with her new boyfriend, it's gonna destroy him.
Well, if you leave now, you might just catch him.
Baby! What's keeping that wine? I would kill for this dilemma.
Okay, here it is.
Oh, thank God.
Stuart isn't here yet.
How'd we beat him to his own house? Well, if he drives like he packs, he should get here sometime tomorrow.
Wow, there's Stuart.
With his wife.
He must've done some convincing.
- Yeah.
- Way to go, Stu.
Hi, guys.
- Oh, Stuart.
- Stuart.
What are you doing here? - What are we doing here? - Um We, uh, came to see your world-famous lawn.
Oh, no, but we don't like it as much as that.
Look at that.
Oh, yeah.
That's Kentucky blue seed.
Pricey.
What's going on? I'm sorry, man.
Are you okay, Stuart? What are you doing? I am looking for a rock to throw through that window.
You were right, Phil.
You said I never get mad.
I don't express my anger.
Huh-huh, well, watch this.
Stuart, as your attorney, I'm going to have to advise you is that the biggest rock you can find? There's gotta be a bigger one.
- Bigger rock.
- Come on.
Ooh, look at that.
I can't believe you threw that rock.
Yeah, yeah.
And it was the one with the hide-a-key in it.
So next time my ex-wife gets locked out, it's gonna be super-inconvenient.
You said it.
What? Said what? That's the first time you've said ex-wife.
I did, didn't I? You did.
It didn't feel so bad.
Wow.
It's all because of you guys.
Oh, I just knew this was gonna work out.
I still can't believe you gave up a beautiful woman for me.
Why? Well, you had my back tonight.
And I know how it feels.
You know, I could've, uh, used some help when I found out my wife was cheating on me.
I can't believe I just told you that.
Well, I am gonna make frittatas, and we are gonna talk about it.
Yes.