The Fast Show s01e01 Episode Script
The Fat Sweaty Coppers
Hi.
I'm Ed Winchester.
Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore.
Her lips are warm while yours are cold, release me my darling, let me go! Hi.
I'm Ed Winchester.
Police.
Where the bloody hell have you been? I called hours ago! Well, we came as quick as we could.
We, er, had to stop off for a curry on the way.
And a Chinese.
- And a Chinese.
Yeah, and we couldn't pass MacDonalds without dropping in for one, could we, darlin'? Meanwhile, whoever burgled my house could be miles away! Could we ask you some, er, routine questions? Right.
Have you got anything to eat? I'm starving.
Yeah, d'you mind if I run up and down stairs a few times? Only, my armpits are in danger of drying out.
Hello? Shirley? Could you tape Food and Drink for me? I'm popping out to the shops, sarge.
D'you want a roll, or summink? Oh, no - it's only an hour until me lunch.
I'll be all right.
All right.
Oh - I'd best 'ave somethin' to be goin' on with.
Can you get us a double cheeseburger and chips? -Yeah.
You'd best make that double chips.
And, er, a ham roll.
And a jam doughnut.
And a Mars bar.
And a can of Fanta.
And a large coffee - two sugars.
- OK.
And a lucozade - light.
Oh, and - anything you can think of, really.
And the same for me lad.
Twice.
Yeah, I'll have the same an' all, all right? Yeah, an' bake bine a gawnish bastie.
And a curry.
Ooh! I'll 'ave curry, an' all.
You ain't seen me, right? And I was 12, when I discovered I was adopted, and my real parents hadn't wanted me, apparently.
Erm, it's, it's pretty hard dealing with those feelings of rejection when you're that young.
And then, when I was 15, my adopted parents abandoned me as well.
And, since then, I've really felt pretty alone.
And now Robin says he wants to leave me, too.
You know, I just don't know what to do.
Everything's falling apart.
Everything Anyone fancy a pint? Only, I'm gaspin'! Okay.
Well, Ron Manager, once again, the pace and tempo of that first half.
Totally dictated by the boy wonder, Ryan Giggs.
Cuh! Ryan Giggs, you know.
Giggsy, isn't it? Mmm? Giggsy-wigsy.
Mmm? Uh! Ryan-y Giggsy-wiggsy.
Isn't it? You know, marvellous.
Is he the new George Best? Is George Best the old Ryan Giggs? Uh-ho.
You know But Giggsy-wiggsy.
Precocious talent, isn't he? Ooh, got it all.
You know, speed, acceleration, sweet left foot.
All the tricks.
You know, the dummy, haw, the shoulder, haw, the shimmy, the nutmeg, jiggery pokery, er, hocus pocus, and abracadabra I want to reach out and grab ya.
Steve Miller Band? Spin Doctors? Ooh, very similar.
Thank you, Ron.
Now Tommy, it's interesting to see the diamond formation being used again.
Diamond formation? Does anyone really know what that is? I-I mean at least you knew where you were with Alf Ramsey and his wingless wonders.
You know, 4-4-2, 4-2-4, 4-3-3, 0-8-9-8-6-5-4-1000.
Freephone double glazing? Well, you've lost me there, Ron.
I'm not sure I know that particular formation.
But Tommy, do we need a structured game? Just look at the Brazilians.
Oh, those Brazilians.
You know - circa 1970? Broke the mould, didn't they? Theory out the window.
Free expression of football.
Uncategorisable.
Is that a word? It is now! But, you know, far cry from the english game, isn't it? small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts, rush goalie, two at the back, three in the middle, four at the front, one's gone home for his tea? Beans on toast? Possibly, don't quote me on that.
Marvellous.
Me new greenhouse.
That should keep me toms nice an' warm.
Though knowin' my luck, them kids'll 'ave me glass broke with their bloomin' cricket ball.
Oh, no me new greenhouse! Can we have our ball back, unlucky Alf? Oh, all right.
Mind yer 'eads! Ohh, bugger! Yeah? Afternoon, sir.
Glad ya could make it.
Now, you two guys'll be workin' together on this one.
Johnny, I want you to meet Officer DeBerzin, DeBerznik Officer DeBroo, DeBirk DeBuk DeBarskity This guy.
Howdy.
I want you to meet my right hand man.
This is Johnny Gwalskio, Johnny Walksi It's, er, W-w-wehowaz, W-w-wejay, W-jeywuz Johnny Wal, Wirl, Wirrilwiz Wait, I got an idea - let me call my secretary.
Miss Chencho Miss Cho Miss Cheche Chung-Chek What is it, Lieutenant McCork, McCofa Ah, forget it.
Here's to your future in crime-busting, boys! It's an honour to be working with ya, and a great privilege to be working for the fffbee.
Fffbee? The ffebe ffih How d'you spell that? FEE-BEE.
EFF-BEE-EYE.
Doesn't sound right to me.
You know Ronnie Corbett? He's brilliant! But he's not really small.
He's a great big bloke who they made look small so he could fit on the telly.
An' they did it with trick photography - which is brilliant.
Only, they don't call it that no more.
They call it special effects.
And they're brilliant.
Like in Terminator 2.
Have you seen it? It's about this bloke who can turn into a puddle an' back again.
Fantastic! Aren't sequels brilliant? They're the same film, wi' same title, but a diff'rent number, like, two or three.
Even bad films are great, aren't they? Cos as least they try.
In the future, all films will be brilliant.
In fact, everything will be brilliant in the future: with cars on monorails, an' brilliant silvery costumes, an' food in pills, an' probably some special kind of futury can opener.
Fantastic! An' everything will be done by computers.
Aren't computers brilliant? They can do anything! Except play football.
A computer wouldn't be no good in goal! But they can do everything else, virtually.
In't virtual reality brilliant? It's exactly like reality, only you wear an 'at! I tried it with me brother's crash helmet the other day, an' I fell downstairs.
Aren't hospitals brilliant? Hi.
I'm Ed Winchester.
Oi! Mate o' mine, right, he always fancied goin' to Australia.
An finally last year, he went out there.
I think he 'ad family out there.
Did he have family out there? It don't matter anyway.
He's gone out there, an' while he's out there, he's fancied doin' 'imself the old David Attenborough run.
Y'know what I mean? Straight across the desert? So what he's done, he's bought one o' those dirty great big landcruisers.
Y'know the type I mean? Six wheels on it, an' radar an' all 'at, an' roof racks.
An', er, he's stocked up with food, an' he's bought a lovely little fridge, an' he's filled it up with cold beer, an' off he's gone.
A day into the desert, woss 'appened? The fridge 'as broken down, innit.
All 'is beer's gettin' warm.
Nightmare! Woss he gonna do? Anyway, by the side o' the road there, he sees this Aussie fellah.
Y'know the type - bushwhacker type, cork 'round 'is 'at an' all 'at.
An' he's talkin' to the Aussie, an' he tells 'im what's 'appened.
Now, Australians - beer to them, it's like religion, innit? An' this Aussie's gone - I can't do the accent - he's gone, "I tell ya, man, I can make your beer cold, man, yeah man, I can make your beer nice and cold all over again, man".
So, he's dug a hole, 'bout a foot deep, like 'at, an' he's got one o' the warm tins o' beer, an' he's put it in the hole.
An' then he's covered it up with sand.
An' my mates finkin', "What the bloody 'ell's this man doin'?" Y'know what I'm sayin'? An' then, he's put petrol all over the top o' the hole.
No - I tell you a lie, there.
He's put water on it first, then he's put petrol on it.
Stand back, he's gone.
Match.
WHOOF! Like 'at.
Anyway, flames'a died down, he's dug down there, he's took out the tin o' beer, he's gone to my mate, "Feel that".
An' was it cold? Was it f Republicca presente totalla bien cantesera Chanel Nine! Bono estente.
- Bono estente.
Scopolos e cula cala mia cantastos para cela folan dula puss, John Major.
Ante ke greta vera estlyanto zerko heth eth eth eth eth, me, rh eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth, sausage factory.
Me, stuto campos e porthe, Chris Waddle.
Ithe teros mathe toros poco poco e fandalos Jean Pierre Papin.
Filan dalo anta coropos glasnian mia chyse dance spectacular.
Heth eth eth eth eth, heth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth, iscandente para takalos toco tocopolos miste dento.
Y copolo tax nine and a half percent.
Me tela a mia mantaros se a ta baros.
Boutros, boutros ghali.
- Boutros, boutros ghali.
Beneres? Nikko fuerto tippo magico - te "Kitsun Gizmo".
Novello proboscismo toh molto kinagraphos.
Tefaselos action-pumpo! Zo, nea shopping, nea collo, te "Kitsun Gizmo".
"Ow-Kitsun-Gizmo!" Beneres? Nikko fuerto tippo magico - te "Gardun Gizmo".
Vo, tidiaka mit fon shoni veronico.
Tefaselos action-pumpo! Zo, nea shopping, nea collo, te "Gardun Gizmo".
"Ow-Gardun-Gizmo!" Neh keteros foso tippia fitros weekend meteorologicos mit Poula.
Hello! Classicos de para dos meterology a Valley Portos scorchio! In lea por notra anterior scorchio! E nu como a ta exterior scorchio! Manto Blanco scorchio! Coasta scorchio! Metorologicos manyana Oh - scorchio! Mmm - scorchio! Brrrr-rrrr! Nepe sputri ne partri copi pussi.
Me ketra o bartra ve tekula pussi.
Mi oscola? Sminki-pinki-pussi! Me lala tutan carlos pussi.
Meth eth eth eth eth, heth eth eth eth eth eth, meth eth eth eth eth, pussi.
Y fanderos, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
- Pussi! Resident's parking.
Boutros, boutros ghali.
Boutros, boutros ghali.
You ain't seen me, right? Good morning, Ted.
Good morning, sir.
Quite a windy day.
I see your, er fixing the fence.
Well, sir, a couple o' sheep got out.
Sheep.
Yes.
Any problem with any of the other, er, sheep? Or anything? Well, there's the usual problem with the drainage in the lower field, sir.
Lower field.
Drainage.
Mmm.
Oi'll take a look at it this afternoon, sir.
Oh, if you could, Ted.
Yes, thank you.
Ted? Sir? Are you interested in in French cinema at all, Ted? Oi wouldn't know about that, sir.
No.
No, no, no.
Indeed, no.
No.
It's just they're showing a rather good Gerard Depardieu film in town, and I All right, sir.
It's "Manon des Sources".
But good Lord, yes - I've got to get over to, er, Winslow, Ted.
Pick up some, some shoes, so, er Yes, well.
Goodbye, Ted.
Goodbye, sir.
Shoes? We took four cardboard toobs the kind of toob you'd find in a regular brand of household toilet tissue and then proceeded to place them on the floor, making four columns equidistantly, thus.
We wanted to test if these cardboard toobs would support the average body weight of a human man.
No.
Good morning, sir.
How are we today, sir? Fine.
You? Radiant, sir.
Radiant.
Oh, that is a lovely suit, isn't it, sir? Yes.
Yes, it's nice, yes.
Suits you, sir.
Suit like that.
Ooh! D'you want one off the peg, sir? Or d'you want one made up? Well, I'm looking for something a bit smart - I'm starting a new job.
Ooh! Congratulations, sir.
Will you be having your own secretary, sir? Yes! Yes, I think so.
Will you be giving it to her, sir? Sorry? Your secretary, sir.
Will you be giving it to her, sir? I-I'm not sure I understand.
Thought of a colour, sir? We have some excellent blue serge.
Yes, blue or gray.
Ooh, suits you, sir.
Ooh! The ladies like a man in a suit, don't they, sir? Were you out with a lady last night, sir? Yes, I was as a matter of fact.
Did she want it, sir? I beg your pardon? The lady you were out with last night, sir, did she want it, sir? Ooh! Suits you, sir! Ooh! A-a-ah-arms! Sorry, sir - didn't mean a thing.
Just trying to make conversation.
Won't say another word.
This l-a-d-y you were out with last night, sir.
Yes? Known her long? Yes, about four years.
She's my fiance.
Does she want it, sir? You WHAT? Your fiance.
Does she want it, sir? Is she a pale girl, sir? Doe-eyed, sir? Like a frightened deer in a woodland glade, sir? Cornered by the hounds? Ooh! Does she make this sort of noise, sir? Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Goodbye! Does she look over her shoulder at you, sir? Like this - Aah! Suit you, sir! I really love Lisa Stansfield, right? She's so amazin'.
She's only from Rochdale which is near where I live, right? but, she's known in America, an' the United States.
All over the show.
Y'know, an' that song that she done, oh, the lyrics are so amazin', right? "I may not be a lady, but I'm all woman.
" An' at first, y'know, you don't get it.
You think, how can you be a lady and not be a woman? Y'know.
But, what Lisa's sayin' is, you may not be a lady, but you can be all woman.
Y'know.
It's really clever, the lyrics you 'ave to really think about it.
An' you know, she's done another amazin' one, "I've been around the world, but I-I-I I can't find my baby.
" Right? At first, you think "Oh, she's lost her baby!" But "baby" don't mean baby it's American.
For "boyfriend".
She's so international.
An' y'know what's really wierd, right? She didn't do that well at school at qualifications an' it don't look like I will, either.
Hi.
I'm Ed Winchester.
Hello, there.
We're now going to see a piece of film featuring Arthur Atkinson, who was one of the great war-time comics, and dominated the comedy scene up and down the country.
He appeared on his great radio show, "Hot and cold all over".
And he really was the pick of the crop of comics in those days.
And there was some fantastic competition - you've only got to think back.
There was, er, Billy Onions - and his great catch phrase, "Here's my wife, here's my life".
He was very good.
Er, Ron Smike, and, er, he wasn't a good looking lad, but he had a wonderful in-step.
Erm, there were a duo that were called Benson and Hedges.
Lambert and Butler.
Erm, Coch 'n' Eel - the controversial new spoon- players from Czechoslovakia.
They were a bit near the mark, but very good.
And we laughed.
Anyway, here he is.
Arthur Atkinson.
All right everyone? that's right.
Burn yer oiks.
E-he-he-he! Eh? 'ave you seen it? Eh? 'ave YOU seen it? Eh? 'ave YOU seen it? Eh? Where's me washboard, then? I dunno, madam - 'ave you got 'em, eh? Are you sittin' on 'em, madam? E-he-he-he! I've seen ya goin' 'round with a cucumber.
I don't know what you're laughin' at, sir, heh! I've seen ya turn right round and go upside down like a little bananana.
Only jokin', sir.
Fine pair o' shoulders.
Shoulders, I say! Shoulders! EH? Where's me washboard? E-he-he-he-he-he! EH? Where's me washboard? Eh, I'm bloomered if I know! 'ow queer! 'ow queer! 'ow queer! Ooh, I've gawn deaf! E-he-he-he! Yes! Yeah - now 'eres a good un, eh? I've seen yer wrappin' presents when it's nobody's birthday! E-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he! I said, I've seen yer wrappin' presents when it's nobody's BIRTHDAY! He-he-he-he! That's it for me, folks.
Ta-ra! Oh, all right, then - 'ere's another one: I've seen yer wrappin' PRESENTS when it's NOBODY'S BIRTHDAY! Hello, Ted! Hello, sir.
Cold, this morning! Ah, well I've never felt the cold meself, sir.
Ralph.
I'm sorry, sir.
Ralph.
- Sir? Ralph - it's my name.
Ralph.
Ah, right, sir.
Never mind.
Ted I'd better get my skates on.
Time heeds where the devil broom, broom and all that.
So, er Well, goodbye, Ted.
Goodbye, sir.
Ralph.
Oh, we've been to Stratford-on-Avon.
We went to see Shakespeare's old house.
I said to the guide, "It's a bit pokey!" What did I say to the guide, Roy? It's a bit pokey.
I mean, they kept it very olde-worlde.
They've not modernised it at all, y'know.
I mean, it's still very Shakespearean.
You can buy 'is, er, story books on the way out.
I said to Roy, I said, "the prices aren't old fashioned, are they?" What did I say, Roy? The prices aren't old fashioned.
Oh, we did laugh.
I mean, we're not big fans o' Shakespeare, meself an' Roy - we like Jasper Carrott.
Oh, we went seein' 'im last year at Davenport.
Oh, he 'ad everyone roarin' wi' laughin'.
I said, "I think I'm gonna pee me pants!" What did I say, Roy? I think I'm gonna pee me pants.
We went seein' Ken Dodd the year before that.
Oh, we're big fans of Doddy, meself an' Roy.
Four an' a 'alf 'ours he did.
How long did he do, Roy? Four an' 'alf 'ours.
Oh, y'know, we 'ad chicken in a basket, the lot.
I said, "we've 'ad a smashin' night.
" What did I say, Roy? We've 'ad a smashin' night, an' thoroughly enjoyed it.
I didn't say, "thoroughly enjoyed it", Roy.
Yeah, never mind the scenery, Baz.
Point that thing over here, will you? Hey, Baz - action! Right, day one of The Expedition as it shall henceforth be known.
Simon and Lindsay here, making a record of lose the glasses, Lindsay, they make you look stupid making a record of the events to show the chaps at AGM Association of Off-Roaders.
This is The Beast! We are The Beasties! She's all fired up and ready to rock! So, without more ado - let's go for it! Gripped! Sorted! Let's off-road! Baz! Baz! Better swing 'round really quick on this we're going for sonic boom! Let's off-road! For me, Family Fortunes is the most potent indicator of the rampant level of stupidity in this country.
But it's not just the answers the contestants give, it's the answers in the survey which are so depressing.
Yeah, I mean the great British public's mental horizons are so narrow.
Well, they have no imagination, you see.
The impressionists? It's like, the standard impersonation which everyone does.
Frankie Howerd? Michael Caine? Frank Spencer! Frank Spencer? I can do an impression of Frank Spencer: Oooooh, Betty! Woooooh! Oooooh, Betty! Ooooooooo! I'll get me coat.
Baz, will you stop now, please? Good mornin', unlucky Alf! Mornin'.
Though I doubt there's owt good about it.
See that - down thier? They're diggin' a ruddy great 'ole at end o' road.
Knowin' my luck, ah'll prob'ly fall down that.
Don't miss on next week's show "Nice skinhead".
Hey - let's all go on holiday! Come on! I'll pay! No? Aww.
Oh, all right, then - let's play! I've got a sand-pit! Oh, looby-loo - let's play! Also next week, he's back by popular demand after an absence of twenty years Yes, it's the comedy vicar.
Hellooo, Mrs.
Faversham! Thank you for you generous donation for this year's harvest festival.
I can't wait to get my hands on your juicy ripe melons.
And as for you, Mr.
Ramsbottom, I can't wait to get my teeth into your prize winning meaty savaloy.
God bless! Hey, stop! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Can you turn it down a bit, please mate? It doesn't sound the same if we turn it down! Well, just stop then, will ya? Please.
Stop.
Hi.
I'm Ed Winchester.
I'm Ed Winchester.
Please release me, let me go, for I don't love you anymore.
Her lips are warm while yours are cold, release me my darling, let me go! Hi.
I'm Ed Winchester.
Police.
Where the bloody hell have you been? I called hours ago! Well, we came as quick as we could.
We, er, had to stop off for a curry on the way.
And a Chinese.
- And a Chinese.
Yeah, and we couldn't pass MacDonalds without dropping in for one, could we, darlin'? Meanwhile, whoever burgled my house could be miles away! Could we ask you some, er, routine questions? Right.
Have you got anything to eat? I'm starving.
Yeah, d'you mind if I run up and down stairs a few times? Only, my armpits are in danger of drying out.
Hello? Shirley? Could you tape Food and Drink for me? I'm popping out to the shops, sarge.
D'you want a roll, or summink? Oh, no - it's only an hour until me lunch.
I'll be all right.
All right.
Oh - I'd best 'ave somethin' to be goin' on with.
Can you get us a double cheeseburger and chips? -Yeah.
You'd best make that double chips.
And, er, a ham roll.
And a jam doughnut.
And a Mars bar.
And a can of Fanta.
And a large coffee - two sugars.
- OK.
And a lucozade - light.
Oh, and - anything you can think of, really.
And the same for me lad.
Twice.
Yeah, I'll have the same an' all, all right? Yeah, an' bake bine a gawnish bastie.
And a curry.
Ooh! I'll 'ave curry, an' all.
You ain't seen me, right? And I was 12, when I discovered I was adopted, and my real parents hadn't wanted me, apparently.
Erm, it's, it's pretty hard dealing with those feelings of rejection when you're that young.
And then, when I was 15, my adopted parents abandoned me as well.
And, since then, I've really felt pretty alone.
And now Robin says he wants to leave me, too.
You know, I just don't know what to do.
Everything's falling apart.
Everything Anyone fancy a pint? Only, I'm gaspin'! Okay.
Well, Ron Manager, once again, the pace and tempo of that first half.
Totally dictated by the boy wonder, Ryan Giggs.
Cuh! Ryan Giggs, you know.
Giggsy, isn't it? Mmm? Giggsy-wigsy.
Mmm? Uh! Ryan-y Giggsy-wiggsy.
Isn't it? You know, marvellous.
Is he the new George Best? Is George Best the old Ryan Giggs? Uh-ho.
You know But Giggsy-wiggsy.
Precocious talent, isn't he? Ooh, got it all.
You know, speed, acceleration, sweet left foot.
All the tricks.
You know, the dummy, haw, the shoulder, haw, the shimmy, the nutmeg, jiggery pokery, er, hocus pocus, and abracadabra I want to reach out and grab ya.
Steve Miller Band? Spin Doctors? Ooh, very similar.
Thank you, Ron.
Now Tommy, it's interesting to see the diamond formation being used again.
Diamond formation? Does anyone really know what that is? I-I mean at least you knew where you were with Alf Ramsey and his wingless wonders.
You know, 4-4-2, 4-2-4, 4-3-3, 0-8-9-8-6-5-4-1000.
Freephone double glazing? Well, you've lost me there, Ron.
I'm not sure I know that particular formation.
But Tommy, do we need a structured game? Just look at the Brazilians.
Oh, those Brazilians.
You know - circa 1970? Broke the mould, didn't they? Theory out the window.
Free expression of football.
Uncategorisable.
Is that a word? It is now! But, you know, far cry from the english game, isn't it? small boys in the park, jumpers for goalposts, rush goalie, two at the back, three in the middle, four at the front, one's gone home for his tea? Beans on toast? Possibly, don't quote me on that.
Marvellous.
Me new greenhouse.
That should keep me toms nice an' warm.
Though knowin' my luck, them kids'll 'ave me glass broke with their bloomin' cricket ball.
Oh, no me new greenhouse! Can we have our ball back, unlucky Alf? Oh, all right.
Mind yer 'eads! Ohh, bugger! Yeah? Afternoon, sir.
Glad ya could make it.
Now, you two guys'll be workin' together on this one.
Johnny, I want you to meet Officer DeBerzin, DeBerznik Officer DeBroo, DeBirk DeBuk DeBarskity This guy.
Howdy.
I want you to meet my right hand man.
This is Johnny Gwalskio, Johnny Walksi It's, er, W-w-wehowaz, W-w-wejay, W-jeywuz Johnny Wal, Wirl, Wirrilwiz Wait, I got an idea - let me call my secretary.
Miss Chencho Miss Cho Miss Cheche Chung-Chek What is it, Lieutenant McCork, McCofa Ah, forget it.
Here's to your future in crime-busting, boys! It's an honour to be working with ya, and a great privilege to be working for the fffbee.
Fffbee? The ffebe ffih How d'you spell that? FEE-BEE.
EFF-BEE-EYE.
Doesn't sound right to me.
You know Ronnie Corbett? He's brilliant! But he's not really small.
He's a great big bloke who they made look small so he could fit on the telly.
An' they did it with trick photography - which is brilliant.
Only, they don't call it that no more.
They call it special effects.
And they're brilliant.
Like in Terminator 2.
Have you seen it? It's about this bloke who can turn into a puddle an' back again.
Fantastic! Aren't sequels brilliant? They're the same film, wi' same title, but a diff'rent number, like, two or three.
Even bad films are great, aren't they? Cos as least they try.
In the future, all films will be brilliant.
In fact, everything will be brilliant in the future: with cars on monorails, an' brilliant silvery costumes, an' food in pills, an' probably some special kind of futury can opener.
Fantastic! An' everything will be done by computers.
Aren't computers brilliant? They can do anything! Except play football.
A computer wouldn't be no good in goal! But they can do everything else, virtually.
In't virtual reality brilliant? It's exactly like reality, only you wear an 'at! I tried it with me brother's crash helmet the other day, an' I fell downstairs.
Aren't hospitals brilliant? Hi.
I'm Ed Winchester.
Oi! Mate o' mine, right, he always fancied goin' to Australia.
An finally last year, he went out there.
I think he 'ad family out there.
Did he have family out there? It don't matter anyway.
He's gone out there, an' while he's out there, he's fancied doin' 'imself the old David Attenborough run.
Y'know what I mean? Straight across the desert? So what he's done, he's bought one o' those dirty great big landcruisers.
Y'know the type I mean? Six wheels on it, an' radar an' all 'at, an' roof racks.
An', er, he's stocked up with food, an' he's bought a lovely little fridge, an' he's filled it up with cold beer, an' off he's gone.
A day into the desert, woss 'appened? The fridge 'as broken down, innit.
All 'is beer's gettin' warm.
Nightmare! Woss he gonna do? Anyway, by the side o' the road there, he sees this Aussie fellah.
Y'know the type - bushwhacker type, cork 'round 'is 'at an' all 'at.
An' he's talkin' to the Aussie, an' he tells 'im what's 'appened.
Now, Australians - beer to them, it's like religion, innit? An' this Aussie's gone - I can't do the accent - he's gone, "I tell ya, man, I can make your beer cold, man, yeah man, I can make your beer nice and cold all over again, man".
So, he's dug a hole, 'bout a foot deep, like 'at, an' he's got one o' the warm tins o' beer, an' he's put it in the hole.
An' then he's covered it up with sand.
An' my mates finkin', "What the bloody 'ell's this man doin'?" Y'know what I'm sayin'? An' then, he's put petrol all over the top o' the hole.
No - I tell you a lie, there.
He's put water on it first, then he's put petrol on it.
Stand back, he's gone.
Match.
WHOOF! Like 'at.
Anyway, flames'a died down, he's dug down there, he's took out the tin o' beer, he's gone to my mate, "Feel that".
An' was it cold? Was it f Republicca presente totalla bien cantesera Chanel Nine! Bono estente.
- Bono estente.
Scopolos e cula cala mia cantastos para cela folan dula puss, John Major.
Ante ke greta vera estlyanto zerko heth eth eth eth eth, me, rh eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth, sausage factory.
Me, stuto campos e porthe, Chris Waddle.
Ithe teros mathe toros poco poco e fandalos Jean Pierre Papin.
Filan dalo anta coropos glasnian mia chyse dance spectacular.
Heth eth eth eth eth, heth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth eth, iscandente para takalos toco tocopolos miste dento.
Y copolo tax nine and a half percent.
Me tela a mia mantaros se a ta baros.
Boutros, boutros ghali.
- Boutros, boutros ghali.
Beneres? Nikko fuerto tippo magico - te "Kitsun Gizmo".
Novello proboscismo toh molto kinagraphos.
Tefaselos action-pumpo! Zo, nea shopping, nea collo, te "Kitsun Gizmo".
"Ow-Kitsun-Gizmo!" Beneres? Nikko fuerto tippo magico - te "Gardun Gizmo".
Vo, tidiaka mit fon shoni veronico.
Tefaselos action-pumpo! Zo, nea shopping, nea collo, te "Gardun Gizmo".
"Ow-Gardun-Gizmo!" Neh keteros foso tippia fitros weekend meteorologicos mit Poula.
Hello! Classicos de para dos meterology a Valley Portos scorchio! In lea por notra anterior scorchio! E nu como a ta exterior scorchio! Manto Blanco scorchio! Coasta scorchio! Metorologicos manyana Oh - scorchio! Mmm - scorchio! Brrrr-rrrr! Nepe sputri ne partri copi pussi.
Me ketra o bartra ve tekula pussi.
Mi oscola? Sminki-pinki-pussi! Me lala tutan carlos pussi.
Meth eth eth eth eth, heth eth eth eth eth eth, meth eth eth eth eth, pussi.
Y fanderos, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
- Pussi! Resident's parking.
Boutros, boutros ghali.
Boutros, boutros ghali.
You ain't seen me, right? Good morning, Ted.
Good morning, sir.
Quite a windy day.
I see your, er fixing the fence.
Well, sir, a couple o' sheep got out.
Sheep.
Yes.
Any problem with any of the other, er, sheep? Or anything? Well, there's the usual problem with the drainage in the lower field, sir.
Lower field.
Drainage.
Mmm.
Oi'll take a look at it this afternoon, sir.
Oh, if you could, Ted.
Yes, thank you.
Ted? Sir? Are you interested in in French cinema at all, Ted? Oi wouldn't know about that, sir.
No.
No, no, no.
Indeed, no.
No.
It's just they're showing a rather good Gerard Depardieu film in town, and I All right, sir.
It's "Manon des Sources".
But good Lord, yes - I've got to get over to, er, Winslow, Ted.
Pick up some, some shoes, so, er Yes, well.
Goodbye, Ted.
Goodbye, sir.
Shoes? We took four cardboard toobs the kind of toob you'd find in a regular brand of household toilet tissue and then proceeded to place them on the floor, making four columns equidistantly, thus.
We wanted to test if these cardboard toobs would support the average body weight of a human man.
No.
Good morning, sir.
How are we today, sir? Fine.
You? Radiant, sir.
Radiant.
Oh, that is a lovely suit, isn't it, sir? Yes.
Yes, it's nice, yes.
Suits you, sir.
Suit like that.
Ooh! D'you want one off the peg, sir? Or d'you want one made up? Well, I'm looking for something a bit smart - I'm starting a new job.
Ooh! Congratulations, sir.
Will you be having your own secretary, sir? Yes! Yes, I think so.
Will you be giving it to her, sir? Sorry? Your secretary, sir.
Will you be giving it to her, sir? I-I'm not sure I understand.
Thought of a colour, sir? We have some excellent blue serge.
Yes, blue or gray.
Ooh, suits you, sir.
Ooh! The ladies like a man in a suit, don't they, sir? Were you out with a lady last night, sir? Yes, I was as a matter of fact.
Did she want it, sir? I beg your pardon? The lady you were out with last night, sir, did she want it, sir? Ooh! Suits you, sir! Ooh! A-a-ah-arms! Sorry, sir - didn't mean a thing.
Just trying to make conversation.
Won't say another word.
This l-a-d-y you were out with last night, sir.
Yes? Known her long? Yes, about four years.
She's my fiance.
Does she want it, sir? You WHAT? Your fiance.
Does she want it, sir? Is she a pale girl, sir? Doe-eyed, sir? Like a frightened deer in a woodland glade, sir? Cornered by the hounds? Ooh! Does she make this sort of noise, sir? Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Goodbye! Does she look over her shoulder at you, sir? Like this - Aah! Suit you, sir! I really love Lisa Stansfield, right? She's so amazin'.
She's only from Rochdale which is near where I live, right? but, she's known in America, an' the United States.
All over the show.
Y'know, an' that song that she done, oh, the lyrics are so amazin', right? "I may not be a lady, but I'm all woman.
" An' at first, y'know, you don't get it.
You think, how can you be a lady and not be a woman? Y'know.
But, what Lisa's sayin' is, you may not be a lady, but you can be all woman.
Y'know.
It's really clever, the lyrics you 'ave to really think about it.
An' you know, she's done another amazin' one, "I've been around the world, but I-I-I I can't find my baby.
" Right? At first, you think "Oh, she's lost her baby!" But "baby" don't mean baby it's American.
For "boyfriend".
She's so international.
An' y'know what's really wierd, right? She didn't do that well at school at qualifications an' it don't look like I will, either.
Hi.
I'm Ed Winchester.
Hello, there.
We're now going to see a piece of film featuring Arthur Atkinson, who was one of the great war-time comics, and dominated the comedy scene up and down the country.
He appeared on his great radio show, "Hot and cold all over".
And he really was the pick of the crop of comics in those days.
And there was some fantastic competition - you've only got to think back.
There was, er, Billy Onions - and his great catch phrase, "Here's my wife, here's my life".
He was very good.
Er, Ron Smike, and, er, he wasn't a good looking lad, but he had a wonderful in-step.
Erm, there were a duo that were called Benson and Hedges.
Lambert and Butler.
Erm, Coch 'n' Eel - the controversial new spoon- players from Czechoslovakia.
They were a bit near the mark, but very good.
And we laughed.
Anyway, here he is.
Arthur Atkinson.
All right everyone? that's right.
Burn yer oiks.
E-he-he-he! Eh? 'ave you seen it? Eh? 'ave YOU seen it? Eh? 'ave YOU seen it? Eh? Where's me washboard, then? I dunno, madam - 'ave you got 'em, eh? Are you sittin' on 'em, madam? E-he-he-he! I've seen ya goin' 'round with a cucumber.
I don't know what you're laughin' at, sir, heh! I've seen ya turn right round and go upside down like a little bananana.
Only jokin', sir.
Fine pair o' shoulders.
Shoulders, I say! Shoulders! EH? Where's me washboard? E-he-he-he-he-he! EH? Where's me washboard? Eh, I'm bloomered if I know! 'ow queer! 'ow queer! 'ow queer! Ooh, I've gawn deaf! E-he-he-he! Yes! Yeah - now 'eres a good un, eh? I've seen yer wrappin' presents when it's nobody's birthday! E-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he! I said, I've seen yer wrappin' presents when it's nobody's BIRTHDAY! He-he-he-he! That's it for me, folks.
Ta-ra! Oh, all right, then - 'ere's another one: I've seen yer wrappin' PRESENTS when it's NOBODY'S BIRTHDAY! Hello, Ted! Hello, sir.
Cold, this morning! Ah, well I've never felt the cold meself, sir.
Ralph.
I'm sorry, sir.
Ralph.
- Sir? Ralph - it's my name.
Ralph.
Ah, right, sir.
Never mind.
Ted I'd better get my skates on.
Time heeds where the devil broom, broom and all that.
So, er Well, goodbye, Ted.
Goodbye, sir.
Ralph.
Oh, we've been to Stratford-on-Avon.
We went to see Shakespeare's old house.
I said to the guide, "It's a bit pokey!" What did I say to the guide, Roy? It's a bit pokey.
I mean, they kept it very olde-worlde.
They've not modernised it at all, y'know.
I mean, it's still very Shakespearean.
You can buy 'is, er, story books on the way out.
I said to Roy, I said, "the prices aren't old fashioned, are they?" What did I say, Roy? The prices aren't old fashioned.
Oh, we did laugh.
I mean, we're not big fans o' Shakespeare, meself an' Roy - we like Jasper Carrott.
Oh, we went seein' 'im last year at Davenport.
Oh, he 'ad everyone roarin' wi' laughin'.
I said, "I think I'm gonna pee me pants!" What did I say, Roy? I think I'm gonna pee me pants.
We went seein' Ken Dodd the year before that.
Oh, we're big fans of Doddy, meself an' Roy.
Four an' a 'alf 'ours he did.
How long did he do, Roy? Four an' 'alf 'ours.
Oh, y'know, we 'ad chicken in a basket, the lot.
I said, "we've 'ad a smashin' night.
" What did I say, Roy? We've 'ad a smashin' night, an' thoroughly enjoyed it.
I didn't say, "thoroughly enjoyed it", Roy.
Yeah, never mind the scenery, Baz.
Point that thing over here, will you? Hey, Baz - action! Right, day one of The Expedition as it shall henceforth be known.
Simon and Lindsay here, making a record of lose the glasses, Lindsay, they make you look stupid making a record of the events to show the chaps at AGM Association of Off-Roaders.
This is The Beast! We are The Beasties! She's all fired up and ready to rock! So, without more ado - let's go for it! Gripped! Sorted! Let's off-road! Baz! Baz! Better swing 'round really quick on this we're going for sonic boom! Let's off-road! For me, Family Fortunes is the most potent indicator of the rampant level of stupidity in this country.
But it's not just the answers the contestants give, it's the answers in the survey which are so depressing.
Yeah, I mean the great British public's mental horizons are so narrow.
Well, they have no imagination, you see.
The impressionists? It's like, the standard impersonation which everyone does.
Frankie Howerd? Michael Caine? Frank Spencer! Frank Spencer? I can do an impression of Frank Spencer: Oooooh, Betty! Woooooh! Oooooh, Betty! Ooooooooo! I'll get me coat.
Baz, will you stop now, please? Good mornin', unlucky Alf! Mornin'.
Though I doubt there's owt good about it.
See that - down thier? They're diggin' a ruddy great 'ole at end o' road.
Knowin' my luck, ah'll prob'ly fall down that.
Don't miss on next week's show "Nice skinhead".
Hey - let's all go on holiday! Come on! I'll pay! No? Aww.
Oh, all right, then - let's play! I've got a sand-pit! Oh, looby-loo - let's play! Also next week, he's back by popular demand after an absence of twenty years Yes, it's the comedy vicar.
Hellooo, Mrs.
Faversham! Thank you for you generous donation for this year's harvest festival.
I can't wait to get my hands on your juicy ripe melons.
And as for you, Mr.
Ramsbottom, I can't wait to get my teeth into your prize winning meaty savaloy.
God bless! Hey, stop! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Oi! Can you turn it down a bit, please mate? It doesn't sound the same if we turn it down! Well, just stop then, will ya? Please.
Stop.
Hi.
I'm Ed Winchester.