The Flatshare (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
I tell myself you don't mean a thing ♪
Turn it down!
But when you're not there ♪
Only love can hurt like this ♪
I said turn it down!
Call from Justin.
Thank God for that!
Hey.
Yeah, I'm here now.
Yes, it's amazing.
Yeah, it's, um
Open plan and contemporary.
Minimalist.
Yeah, exactly.
It's just really good for me to, uh,
have my own, uh, space.
I miss you.
Oh, no. I I
I said I miss you
because friends.
We're still friends, aren't we?
Yeah, I'm feeling really positive.
OK, yeah.
I'll I'll send you a photo.
OK. OK, bye.
Oh.
Come here.
Oh, my God.
Hello?
An inmate from Her Majesty's
Prison of Handsworth
is trying to contact you.
Press 1 to accept.
Hey, babe.
Yeah, she's unpacked.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Um
Hey, roomie.
Help yourself to my herbal teas.
Mm.
What?
No, I'm just smelling the sheets.
'Cause I don't know if she
changed them before or af
it wasn't stipulated in the contract.
What? No, I'm not enjoying it.
Why would you say that?
Yeah, come over, but I am
going to sleep in 42 minutes.
I think I'll just have the coffee.
Babe, don't worry. I'll get yours.
No, honestly, I can eat at
work. I like getting paid to eat.
Yes. Well, you can't live
off sample snack boxes.
I actually really like
sample snack boxes.
They provide you with
quite a varied diet.
- Two flat whites.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Are you ready to order food?
Uh, yes, please.
I'll have the poached eggs and avocado
with goat's curd, crushed
hazelnuts, and sourdough.
Thanks.
Um, I'll have the same.
- Thanks.
- Thanks.
Thank you.
I really miss Justin's espresso maker.
It frothed milk and everything.
I know it's hard, but
you don't need a man
- to wake you up in the morning.
- I think maybe I do.
Right.
I'm forwarding you a link to the top 10
bean-to-cup coffee machines.
So tell me, how's the new place?
What's your flatmate like?
- Have you met?
- We can't meet.
That's the whole point.
The contract says strictly no crossover.
So he has it 8:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m.,
and I have it 8:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m.
What about weekends?
It's all mine.
So it's actually a pretty good deal.
What?
No, it's just a bit
People like you don't need
to do things like that.
People like me?
- Some of our legal aid clients are
- You're buying me breakfast.
I'm just saying.
You have options.
I just can't face living with
strangers right now, you know?
It's too
I need my own space,
and this is the only
way I can afford it.
It's not your own space, is it?
Does his landlord know he's subletting?
Because it's actually
a breach of the right
to an adequate standard of living.
I am being serious.
You're literally sharing a bed
with a man you've never met.
Oh, my God. It's fucked up.
Oh, it's so fucked up.
He's probably in it right now.
Oh, God.
What side of the bed does she sleep on?
- What?
- Your new bedmate.
I didn't
I mean, should we
specify sides of the bed?
Humans shed up to 40,000
skin cells every day.
And then there's sweat,
drool, sexual secretions.
Even if you change your sheets,
that is a lot of biology to be
sharing with a woman you've never met.
You don't have to do this, babe.
How else am I gonna raise
that kind of money in time?
You can just stay in my bed.
We talked about this.
You mean your lack of commitment?
I mean your bed being
too far away from my work.
I commute every day. It's not that bad.
You can do emails on the train.
I don't do emails.
Travel time doesn't seem to be an issue
when you go visit your brother.
I thought the editorial
meeting was this afternoon.
Oh, Phil emailed last night.
- Didn't you get it?
- I was moving.
I don't have anything to pitch.
I still think that
ironic horoscopes column
is a good idea.
OK.
Well, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.
Bother is running at a loss.
And if Rocco don't buy, then
I can't renew your contracts
as junior staff writers.
They're after one thing,
and that's traffic.
So if I'm gonna convince my
bosses that you're actually
worth your salaries, then we're
gonna need some killer content.
So you each will be judged
on your next feature.
This is your chance to dig deep,
get creative, change the lens.
Pitch me something I can't say no to.
So what do we got?
You mean now?
You're writers, aren't you?
You're meant to be brimming with ideas.
I've got an exclusive with a woman
who fell asleep against a
radiator whilst on ketamine.
Yeah, it's catchy. It's relatable.
I like it, yeah. Rachel?
Um, partners who share passwords.
Now, what sort of idiot does that?
Well, according to this study,
70% of people in relationships.
You don't look sold, Tiffany.
No, just
Is it that idiotic if you live together
and you share devices?
- It's bad digital hygiene.
- Yeah.
I mean, think about it
messages, photos, social media.
But if you trust that person, and, like,
you've got nothing to hide
This is good because it sparks debate.
Nice one.
Tiffany?
Yeah. Um
Ironic horoscopes.
Um, it's not fully formed, but
It's shit. You can do better.
Right. I'm giving you one week, OK?
And I don't care if
it's internet privacy,
if it's recreational
horse tranquilizers,
if it's real, if it's personal,
if it's gonna get us traffic.
Look, it's not a competition,
but the winner does get
to go on the home page,
so it sort of is. And, Tiffany,
seeing as though you've not come in
with any of your own ideas today,
I'd like you to interview the Messiah.
OK, coffee.
A street artist.
So yeah, basically I'm taking
the concept of nothingness
and exhibiting that as the art.
- That's so interesting.
- Hm.
So essentially, I'm I'm
I'm painting nothing.
And when you think about
capitalism, consumers,
And our constant need for something,
I think that's why I want to do
this groundbreaking exhibition
is just to remind myself
Does that make any sense?
Hello?
Yeah, that's so interesting.
She's not plain.
She's extremely beautiful.
Yeah, in a really
obvious and boring way.
He said it was a one-time thing.
It's quite soon to be cohabiting.
Yeah, you know it probably
wasn't a one-time thing, right?
Oh.
We should go out tonight.
You know, take your mind off it.
No, I've got to work on my pitch.
Oh, just a quick one?
Come on. I just
I just don't see why he should be having
this great time with
this obviously beautiful
influencer chick while
you're going home alone
- to try and think of
- No, OK. Yeah, we're going out.
Great.
Here we are.
You know what? I've changed my mind.
What I actually want is a
KFC and a good night's sleep.
That is not your narrative.
- OK?
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- OK.
Fine.
Hey, roomie.
Dear Tiffany.
Please sleep on left side of bed.
- What about that one?
- What one?
That one with the beard.
What about him?
I don't know. Could you fancy him?
I can't tell if I fancy
someone just by looking at them.
It's why dating apps don't work for me.
He's looking at you.
Yeah, I think that's because we've been
staring and pointing at him.
Why don't you go talk to him?
Go, go, go.
Closer.
- Having a good night?
- No.
- What?
- Yeah.
Can I buy you a drink?
I'm all right. Thanks.
No, look, you're really
attractive and everything,
and I really like your beard.
It's just I'm shit at casual sex.
I literally fall in love
with every man I sleep with.
It's really annoying.
My friend Mo is training
to be a therapist.
He talks about attachment issues.
I'm not trying to sleep with you.
There's actually this
really interesting study
about male and female voles
and how they behave differently.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, my God.
- Flirting.
- Yeah.
I know what you need.
New personality?
Shots.
Who's that? Your girlfriend?
Aren't you gonna answer?
Thing is, I'm busy with
another girl right now.
What's her star sign?
Drink up. Time for bed.
I could die at any moment, and then
you'd feel really bad
about not answering
my last ever question.
You're not gonna die any moment, Holly.
I'm in a hospice, Leon.
You'll be back home in a week.
And I'll be back here
the week after that.
Well, I don't know her star sign.
You don't know your own
girlfriend's star sign?
- When's her birthday?
- 20th of June.
So she's a Gemini.
And you are?
Wait, don't tell me.
You're a Libra.
How'd you know that?
I'm really intuitive?
Go on. Pick it up.
I won't tell Sister Tania.
Hey, babe.
No, uh, don't worry.
I've left her a note.
Oh, that is um, sorry.
Can we get two more? Thank you.
Oh, no. I'm good.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Ready?
- Yeah.
- Whoo! Tequila.
Ooh.
Whoo.
It's Friday again ♪
- Are you having it?
- No, I'm good. I'm good.
It's Friday again ♪
- Then Saturday, Sunday, what? ♪
- We want that weekend ♪
It's Friday again, then
Saturday, Sunday, what? ♪
- Sorry.
- Hey.
It's Friday again ♪
Hey, hey. Where are you going?
Smoking area.
OK, you don't smoke.
I didn't finish telling
him about the voles.
Whoa.
- So I'm gonna
- Hey.
- I'm gonna make a move.
- You gonna be all right?
Mm, yeah, I'm fine.
I'm gonna go home with
the man with a beard.
Oh, yeah.
OK, pass me your phone.
There we go.
Babe, she's just a flatmate.
Yeah. Love you too.
OK. Bye.
You never told me you had a flatmate.
There are a lot of things I
don't tell you about my life.
What's she like?
I think she might be a bit of a dick.
So voles are monogamous, right?
But the study showed that when
a male vole was fed alcohol,
the next day, he'll have sex
with a different female vole
to the one he had the day before,
- whereas the female voles
- Tiffany?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Hi! What are you doing here?
Rach, you have to meet Mo.
He's, like, my best friend in the world.
Yeah, we've met before.
Mo's, like, this amazing therapist.
Training.
He left this million-pound-a-year
city banking job to, like, help people.
- It wasn't quite a million.
- Oh, my
I love you so much, Mo.
- I love you too
- Aw.
Tiff, which is why
I'm going to order you
I don't know why he
doesn't have a girlfriend.
I wish I could fancy you, Mo,
but you're just
completely asexual to me.
Thanks.
Justin has a new girlfriend.
I heard.
Yeah, fuck him, you know? both: Yeah.
- Like, fuck him!
- Yeah.
- Well, why don't we fuck him in a taxi?
- Yes.
No, I'm detaching from my issues.
Mm, but that is not going to help.
Ha.
- You think I have a disorder.
- No, no.
I just think you're drunk.
- Attachment deficit disorder.
- That's not a disorder.
Stop trying to diagnose yourself.
Literally, I'm fine, so you can go home
and do whatever it is
that real flatmates do
with Maia like box sets and
Whoa.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Wow. OK.
I'm off. Yeah.
- Brilliant.
- She's all yours.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
Um
Tiffany, I know it might not
seem like the best time
Right now,
but maybe think of this as, um
as a purge.
Oh.
I mean, uh, a Justin purge,
a chance for a new start.
All right?
Any news on your brother?
It's a waiting game.
A very expensive waiting game.
Oh.
At least you're saving on rent now.
Yeah.
But with that, I need extra shifts.
Did you know working night shifts
lowers your life
expectancy by two decades
and increases your risk of
diabetes and heart disease?
No. That's brilliant.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
See what I have to
put up with, Mrs. Lane?
When did she go?
Just after dinner.
Family's on the way.
Let's take her to the quiet room.
I'll call us an Uber, OK?
- Over there?
- Yeah.
- No, let's go that way.
- No.
- No?
- We're going home.
Dear Tiffany, please
sleep on left side of bed.
An inmate from Her
Majesty's Prison Handsworth
is trying to contact you.
Press 1 to accept the call.
Leon, are you there?
Hello?
Hello?
Who is this?
I'm Leon's brother. Who are you?
Oh, it's it's
Tiffany, Leon's flatmate.
Is it?
He told me about you.
- Did he?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He said you left the
place in a right state.
Are you serious?
No, no. I I'm only messing.
Uh, listen, you know, I don't have long.
Is Leon around? Can I talk to him?
No, he doesn't get in till 8:00.
Oh, shit. My bad.
It's 10 to.
What?
Now, I don't suppose you'd
take a message for me?
Uh, I'm actually in a bit of a hurry.
- Can you try his mobile?
- Yeah, yeah. I would.
It's just, well, mobile's,
like, two quid a minute.
And when you only have
40 pound a week, it's
Oh, sorry. I didn't
I mean, I've never, um
Known anyone in prison?
Uh, no, of course,
I'll take the message.
Cool.
Well, you can tell him his
new flatmate sounds nice.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Her voice is kind of sexy.
Are you flirting with me?
- Yeah.
- Unbelievable.
All right, go on then.
I've got about, uh, four minutes
until I break my contractual agreement,
and, um, I'm gonna be late for work.
Well, what do you do for work?
Work for an online magazine, that is,
until they fire me
for having zero ideas.
- You should write about me.
- Right, yeah.
Everyone says that.
No, I'm I'm being serious.
Uh, so, "Dear, Leon."
All right. Uh, all right.
- What's your name?
- Richie.
OK.
"Message from Richie."
Bad news, little bro.
My appeal was denied.
I appreciate everything
you've been doing for me,
but maybe it's time I admit defeat.
And you should save your money.
Sorry, is Leon paying
Some budget lawyer? Yeah.
Insisted we go private for the appeal
instead of taking legal aid again.
I mean, why do you think he's doing
this crazy bed share thing with you?
Look, I don't know you, and
I don't know what you did
Armed robbery, and I didn't do it.
That's the whole point.
Oh, and, uh, can you
please ask him to call Mum?
Richie, can I ask
You have used all your credits.
Ugh.
Ah, milk.
Morning.
Pack of ibuprofen, please.
Yeah.
Uh, that's 2.80, please.
See you.
How are you?
Hey. Um
That's 3 pound 80.
You know what?
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
Bad news, little bro.
My appeal was denied.
I appreciate everything
you've been doing for me,
but maybe it's time to admit defeat.
And you should save your money.
Please call Mum.
Oh.
- Hey.
- Morning.
How are you feeling?
Let's see. Um, I woke up
to the worst hangover of my entire life,
a Post-it Note from a man telling me
which side of the bed I
was allowed to sleep on,
and a phone call from a man in prison.
It was Leon's brother.
It's fine, I think.
Sorry. Um, Leon is?
My flatmate.
- Right.
- Or rather, bedmate.
Does left mean as you look at it
or left mean as you lie in it?
- Left as you look at it.
- Left as you lie on it.
How are you not hungover?
Big night?
I actually couldn't sleep.
My mind was just like, ba -ah.
It's like I have too many things to say.
I just don't know which one to pitch.
Hey. Are you, uh,
walking to the station?
No, I'm gonna stay a bit longer.
Cool.
Well, have a nice weekend.
Tiffany?
Everything OK?
Um
You were underprepared yesterday.
You're hungover as fuck today,
and your interview was full of typos.
Sorry.
Yeah, well, this is your job, Tiffany.
I know. I'll sort that out.
I've just h had
some stuff to deal with.
Look, I'm giving you
constructive feedback
because I rate you.
Thanks, Norm.
I'd hate to lose you.
Hi, babe.
I'm sorry I'm running a bit late.
I missed your stop again.
I'm waiting for the next train back.
Yeah.
Fell asleep.
Yeah.
Milton Keynes.
- Kay, I'm so
- It's fine.
I ate, alone.
Here you go.
No?
Didn't think so.
Kay.
I'm sorry that dinner with
me is such a hardship for you.
I've been working crazy hours.
And whose idea was that?
My job is stressful too, you know.
You can't blame everything on
the fact that you work nights.
- Listen, I
- No, Leon, you listen.
I am tired of coming second
place to your brother
your brother's case, your
brother's hearing, your
Richie's appeal was denied.
I'm sorry.
That's shit.
But at least now you have an answer.
He's looking at 15 years.
I know.
But now you can move on.
That case was taking
up all of your time,
- eating up all of your money.
- Don't worry.
I'll pay you back for the food.
Come on. Don't be like that.
Still want to stay over?
Not just 'cause there's
another woman in your bed?
And here we have the bedroom.
As you can see, double aspect.
- Nice.
- Great.
Yeah. And then yeah, finally, we have
the open-plan living
room and kitchen diner.
No mod cons.
What's this about your
flatmate's brother?
- What?
- This is outrageous, right?
He pleaded not guilty.
Now he's not even
gonna be given a chance.
Do you have the bottle opener?
Oh, I have no idea.
Most defendants plead not guilty
unless there's demonstrative evidence.
I mean, the press coverage
was fucking insane.
Look at this. "Masked robber held
South London shopkeeper at gunpoint."
- Sounds pretty terrifying.
- Well, that's the thing.
I mean, I had this feeling about him.
He sounded innocent.
Seriously.
Is there anything we can do to help?
- Uh, we?
- She means me, and no.
I don't help people
because of a feeling.
Plus, I'm a junior
barrister, which means
I don't get to choose my cases.
And even if I did,
I'm up to my neck in
All right. Forget I said anything.
I'd be more worried about
this Leon you're living with.
Well, I'm not living with him.
I get the whole place
to myself every weekend.
Yeah, it's a really
great flat, outdoor space.
Yes, you said it's a really good deal.
You know, not everyone can afford
to live in a two-bedroom flat.
And this way, I get a
fully-fitted kitchen,
almost, and 2/3 of a sofa.
Seriously, Tiffany,
you know nothing about this guy,
besides the fact that his brother
is a convicted criminal.
Is he even on social media?
No.
That's a valid life choice, right?
Are you on speaking terms?
We're on Post-it Note terms.
Dear Tiffany
Thanks for letting me know.
Dear, Leon
Can we talk about the milk situation?
Talk about it?
You buy milk, I'll buy bog roll?
Depends on the type of bog roll.
Are you serious?
I try to buy organic milk.
I saw a really just
disturbing documentary
on industrial farming.
Bog roll will not be organic.
Streaming platforms?
You give me Netflix,
I'll give you my Amazon?
Apparently, it's bad digital hygiene.
But so long as you add your own profile
and don't mess up my
algorithm, we have a deal.
Netflix password,
sashimi7. What's yours?
Memorize and destroy.
Amazon password, P9L8XA35NWT.
Not even my girlfriend knows that.
Hello?
Memorize and destroy.
Amazon password, P9L8XA35NWT.
Not even my girlfriend knows that.
Ah, there you are.
Sorry. I was writing a Post-it.
Ah. You're urgently needed
in the children's unit.
Ah!
Who are you?
Oh, my God.
There we go. All done.
You were extremely brave, as usual.
- What happened?
- She fainted in the bathroom.
Been asking for you non-stop.
Oh, and mom says no more fizzy drinks.
Apparently, this one's got
a bit of a Coke problem.
Hey, Holly.
Hey, Leon.
How are you feeling?
Like crap, to be honest.
You?
Me? Yeah, I'm all right.
Is it your girlfriend?
Are you two going through a rough patch?
The thing about Gemini and Libras
Thank you for your
concern, but we are not
going through a rough patch.
And even if we were,
that is not something
I discuss with patients.
Is it your flatmate?
Is she one of those people
that doesn't see mess?
Oh, go on, Leon. It's so boring in here,
and you're the only nurse
who doesn't talk to me
like I'm a baby.
It's my brother.
I thought I could help him, but I can't.
You feel like a failure?
Yeah.
Thanks, Holly.
You know what I think?
I think you're going to
tell me what you think.
I think you worry about
other people too much.
That's my job.
But who looks after you?
Leon?
Yeah.
Can you get me a Coke
from the vending machine?
You all right?
Do you feel like what we
do is completely pointless?
Um, not really, no.
The opposite, actually.
We write about things that
don't matter for shit money
in a city that is so
expensive, I have to share a bed
with someone who thinks I'm such a twat
for buying organic milk,
they just stop replying
to my Post-it Notes.
I get more hits asking some
dude about his art project
than I do for an actual story, you know?
It's all so vapid and
sensationalist and
oh, my God. Is that a sample snack box?
- Yes.
- Can I have some?
Sure.
Thank you.
You know, all I want is a meaningful job
with a salary I can actually live off,
a wardrobe that fits
all my clothes in it,
a flatmate who doesn't go
through my underwear drawer,
and a boyfriend that
doesn't shack up with fucking
fuck-off body-positive
inspirational influencers.
Like, is that too much to ask for?
You're so right.
I honestly don't know how I'd be able
to do this job if my parents
hadn't bought me a flat.
Dear Tiffany.
Dear, Leon.
Couple of house rules.
Please turn off lights when you leave,
and please empty your coffee thing.
Sorry to be anal, but, please,
could you put the loo seat down
when you've finished pissing?
Oh, and that value toilet tissue you buy
is basically sandpaper.
The deal is you buy
milk, I buy bog roll.
The deal was that if
I gave you my Netflix,
you'd give me your Amazon.
Gave you password.
P9L8XA35NWT.
Memorize and destroy.
Dear Tiffany, please do
not do drugs in our flat.
Dear Leon.
Be honest, did you go
through my underwear drawer?
PS, help yourself to my "drugs."
No, of course I didn't go
through your underwear drawer.
Who do you think I am?
PS, sorry.
Never seen cocaine in real life.
Don't be. I'm an idiot.
PS, I'm sorry about
your brother's appeal.
Is there anything I can do to help?
You're on the Mellow Hour
with another cool cut to ease your day.
Hello?
You must be Leon.
- Can I help you?
- Yes, mate.
Uh, I was just wondering
if Tiffany was in.
Uh, she's at work.
Right. Right, of course.
Um, would you mind if I
left this here for her?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Wow.
She's really made it
her own, hasn't she?
Did she invite you?
Uh, it's a housewarming gift.
Sorry. Who are you?
Justin.
Right.
It's an
interesting setup that
you have going on here.
They're nice and sturdy, these
ex-council flats, aren't they?
Where's Tiffany's room?
There.
Right.
Where's your room?
There.
But it's not we're not
we've never met.
Is this even legal?
Tiffy's very important to me.
You know?
Anyway, it was nice to meet you, mate.
Dick.
One of the women I interviewed
said her boyfriend installed
a hidden app on her phone
that tracked her via GPS.
And so what begins as an act of trust
soon turns into actual stalking.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's good.
It's fucked up. I like it.
Right, we haven't got long. Tiffany?
OK.
So we're always writing
celebrity profiles, right?
Artists, musicians,
that woman who started
a cat coworking space.
You want to write a profile, yeah.
But what if the profile
is on a prisoner,
someone who claims he's
been wrongly convicted
of armed robbery?
His appeal has been denied,
and he's serving 15 years.
I've already spoken to him on the phone,
and I reckon he'd speak to me again.
Yeah, I don't know.
It sounds a bit depressing, Tiffany.
OK, but wait.
So changing the lens,
framing it as a celebrity interview,
but putting the spotlight
onto someone who is otherwise
voiceless and, at the same time,
getting a real insight into a man's life
and a man's story
and the criminal justice system.
Yeah.
She's subverting the form.
No, I get that, Si. But why?
You know, why why
do I want to read it?
Why do you want to write it?
How do you know the guy?
Um, he's my flatmate's brother.
Ah, so was your flatmate
involved in the robbery?
No. I mean, I haven't met him.
- You haven't met your flatmate?
- But they share a bed.
Is that the one who
tries on your underwear?
Hey, wait. Hang on. This
is this is interesting.
Hold on. That's actually not
what happened at all, so
Well, no, this is your angle.
N No, it's not about me.
- This is what gets traffic.
- It's about his brother.
And the point is, neither were involved.
Sleeping with the enemy.
Oh, my God. I'm subverting
Sex, drugs, and armed robbery.
There isn't any sex.
I want you to write that article.
- No.
- If it's as good as the pitch,
then it's going on the home page.
- What?
- What?
Ah, fuck. I've got to I've got to go.
Um, I like that. That's good.
Exciting times.
Well done.
Congratulations.
Dear Tiffany.