The Following Events Are Based on a Pack of Lies (2023) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1
(Rob) So when it starts coming in,
I start speaking, correct?
There are always moments
when I think I should've known.
-(ominous music)
-(indistinct chattering)
Force promises,
scare tactics, coercion.
-(crew 1) Right. Okay, lovely.
-(bell rings)
I was recently divorced,
in this big house that
I'd inherited from my grandmother.
I was dubious at first,
but then Mum showed me the website.
(indistinct chatter)
That was a red flag.
Why didn't you tell, why didn't
you see what was happening
before it was too late?
And then suddenly, whoosh!
He'd be off.
(indistinct chatter)
I never heard from him again.
(crew 2) Nice and quiet, everyone.
(crew 3) Here we go, and action.
I've always fought
for what I believed in.
And whether I did right or wrong,
I meant well.
And I wasn't born
with a silver spoon.
I've had to fight my way up
against a corrupt system.
And I'm proud
of what I've achieved.
And yeah,
I've made mistakes.
But what matters
is what's inside a man's heart.
And those who know me,
know my heart.
And to the doubters and the haters
and, yeah, you know who you are.
I believe in a little thing
called Karma.
And your Karma's coming.
("Material Girl" by Madonna plays)
(chimes)
# Some boys kiss me
Some boys hug me #
# I think they're okay #
# If they don't give me
Proper credit #
#I just walk away #
A woman who wears this
is not afraid to take up space.
She is confident,
she is creative
(sighs)
She is confident, she is creative,
she is successful.
(phone rings)
Yes, you said,
a soy cappuccino and a
Yeah, no, sorry, course
you can change your mind.
I'm just hang on, Juno.
-(thuds)
-(Alice grunts)
-Who's in there?
-(Bill) It's me.
Dad, don't forget it's wonga day,
have you taken your pills?
-(Bill) Aren't you late for work?
-I am going now.
(Benjy) Josh, put your socks on.
-(Josh) Not now.
-What's all this?
We've negotiated one cartoon
in return for Josh putting on
his own socks and shoes,
haven't we?
-(sighs)
-(Benjy) Wow.
You look amazing.
Ready to kick some arse?
Yeah, I am.
It's just, with Juno,
it's all about the pitch.
So if I can just stay confident,
she'll go with it.
All I want is the chance
to show what I'm capable of.
And you will.
-You're gonna go in there.
-(Alice) Yeah.
You're gonna tell yourself,
"I deserve this."
-I deserve this.
-(Benjy) "This is long overdue."
-This is long overdue.
-Obviously don't say that out loud.
This is it.
-Kiss me!
-Yes, ma'am.
(exhales sharply)
I'm ready.
-(bell tolls)
-(classical music)
(Rob) Special event tonight,
Gideon College,
we'd love to see you there.
You can sign up online,
bring a friend.
Hey, hi there, special event
tonight, Gideon College.
I'd love to see you there,
you can sign up online.
-(woman) Sure.
-Hey, hi.
(classical music continues)
(grunts)
-(crowd gasping)
-(Rob) Bastard bike.
-Bollocks.
-(man 1) Hey, are you all right?
(woman) Do you need a hand?
(man 2) Can I help you?
Are you okay?
Oh, no, we're good, we're good,
thank you so much, thank you.
(bell tolls)
(Rob) But you posted it
yesterday, yeah?
Then great.
Well, then it should easily
be there by now.
Sorry, I'm just heading there now.
No, you know what,
if she doesn't bite,
we'll find another way in.
Shall we take a look at my pitch?
Third time lucky, exactly.
I can bring it down to your office.
Yeah, it's tonight. Yep!
Yeah.
(Rob) Okay, over and out.
(ominous music)
(ominous music continues)
(breathes shakily)
(music intensifies)
-Good morning, sir.
-Morning.
-Can I help you?
-Sorry, I just
Public entrance on the other side.
-Yeah, I'm not.
-Public entrance. Other side!
(sighs)
Robbie?
(sniffles)
(phone ringing)
(Juno) Alice!
Are we ready to do your pitch?
(suspenseful music)
This is a
Er
Practical yet stylish design
that declares,
-er, an inner confidence.
-Mm.
The woman who wears this cape
is not afraid to
to, to
to take up space.
(sighs)
Sorry, I just
(grunts)
Al? Are you okay?
(ominous music)
Bloody hell.
(background chatter)
That is him, isn't it?
Cause remember
there was that bloke in Aldi.
And the chap at the fair
Well, I think so.
It's just Greenland?
Disruptive Exploration?
What is all this?
What the hell's
"Sar-toot Climate Academy"?
And who's Dr Robert Chance?
(Alice) It's our Robbie Graham.
I looked him up, look.
(Bill) He's pals
with Sir Ralph Unwin?
I don't understand.
It says he's a "climate scientist."
He's a what? He's not dead then!
And he's changed his name.
Where the hell has he been?
Don't tell me he's living here.
Oh, God!
He doesn't know
we moved here, does he?
-How could he?
-He's hasn't been
in touch with you or
Been in touch with me?
-What's your mother gonna say?
-Oh, no. No, no, no, Dad.
-She thinks he's dead!
-No, let's just wait, please.
-Until we have more information.
-You're not to talk to him.
-I don't want to!
-You're better off without him!
Of course I am!
-What are you on about?
-I just mean
We all loved him,
but you're doing so good now.
I don't want you going back
to how you were.
After he went.
We were so worried about you.
Hm.
Have I been waiting for this?
Have you?
I've imagined
so many different ways
we might find out
what happened to him.
But I never,
in a million years, thought
Bastard!
He will be dead
when I get my hands on him!
(Bill) What the hell's
he playing at?
(whimsical music)
(man) trying to make the world
a better place.
Aspirationally, yes.
(whimsical music continues)
(dog whines)
(whining continues)
(dog barks)
(Regina)
We need more light in here.
Isn't she up yet?
Well, I suppose
at least she's sleeping.
(Lola)
I can't believe it's finally done!
(Regina) Oh! Tell me about it.
I was afraid we were heading
for another Game of Thrones.
I mean, hit TV show aside,
from a publishing point of view,
George is taking the piss.
-(chuckles)
-(Cheryl) Morning everyone!
-Morning, Cheryl!
-(Cheryl) Well, not quite.
Lola! What are you doing here?
I'm signing book sevens
this morning.
Do we have a scholarship meeting?
Oh, erm,
Priana's hoping for a decision
on the scholarship candidates
by the end of the week.
We need to start organising
the announcement dinner.
I still have one
shortlisted candidate to visit.
(Cheryl) We're dealing
with young carers, it takes time.
I'll get back to you
as soon as I can.
Regina, let's set up
in the Red Room
it's more comfortable.
(Regina) Now I know the tour wasn't
everything we hoped for, but
(Cheryl) It was humiliating.
(Regina) But the online feedback
is 99 percent positive.
Don't lie to me.
The fans hate it.
A few disgruntled people cross
about the ending. I mean, so what?
You can't please all the people
all of the time! You know that.
I'm so sorry.
Was I trying to write while caring
for my terminally ill husband?
So sorry to disappoint.
Soulless vampires.
(Regina) There's already demand
for a prequel.
Personally, I don't think
we should go down that road.
-Why not?
-Well, don't you want a change?
Create a new world?
A new world.
-You know
-(cup clinks)
I wouldn't mind writing a sci-fi.
Or what about a memoir?
You could have a chapter about me.
(Regina laughs)
I don't know, I don't really know
what I wanna do.
I haven't thought past
the paperback.
So take a break. Go on holiday!
-On my own?
-(Regina) Well, people do.
Take a bit of time to, you know,
work out who you are
without Lance.
Or get back on the dating sites.
Have a go at meeting someone else.
No.
Danni was right. It's too soon.
-(dog barks)
-(heels thud)
(Lola) Sorry to interrupt, erm,
Hilary said this just came
in the post.
"Hope you can still make it?"
-Did I say I'd go to this?
-Who's it from?
Oh!
Ralph Unwin Foundation Lectures.
Ooh, yes, please!
(Regina)
The nation's second favourite
-natural historian and broadcaster.
-(groans)
I love him. Oh, it's at Gideon.
Exactly.
Why would I say I'd go?
It doesn't make sense.
Well, it might be good to go back.
-Face the demons.
-Not demons.
-Good memories.
-Hmm.
Who's Dr Robert Chance?
And what's
"Disruptive Exploration?"
Who knows? Who cares?
I'm not going
and that's the end of it!
I'd have bloody jumped on
the bastard and wrung his neck.
(chuckles)
-Have you called the police?
-And said what?
Sorry darling,
we were quite shitfaced
when you told me the story,
and it, it it was a while ago
but if memory serves,
this is the husband that
buggered off with all your money.
-Didn't your dad lose his house?
-(Alice) Yes.
But it was more complicated
than that.
-Maybe I didn't explain.
-No, no.
You did, in between ugly crying!
You seemed to think
it was complicated, hun,
but it sounded to me like
he saw you lot coming.
And the police won't take kindly
to a university man
diddling gullible poor people.
No offence.
No, but he wasn't that. Before.
He was a self-made
property developer.
He didn't even go to university!
It's a long time ago, isn't it?
When did you get married?
July 2005.
Well, you'll have to explain
all of that.
And mention
your dad's in a wheelchair!
My dad's not in a wheelchair.
Isn't he? Oh, you told me he was.
Look, just go down there right now
and tell them what you told me.
Maybe without drinking
a litre of wine first.
Will they believe me?
-Are you telling the truth?
-Of course!
Then of course they'll believe you!
Why would you make it up?
Or here's a thought,
do drink a litre of wine,
turn up at his talk thingy
and threaten to start
telling people.
He'll probably offer to pay you
back on the spot.
Oh, look!
(snickers)
He really is friends
with Sir Ralph Unwin!
Such a genius.
-Are you sure it's the same guy?
-Yes.
-Might he have an identical twin?
-No.
Well, it's up to you, hun.
But you've got to do something.
Stand up for yourself,
for goodness sake!
(breathes deeply)
(melancholy music)
-(phone chimes)
-(sighs)
(Cheryl breathes deeply)
(woman) What a disappointment!
We waited three years
and got this shit!
(man 1) Too much exposition,
-no plot.
-(man 2) Don't waste your money.
-Worst ending ever.
-All in all, a total failure!
(man 2) RIP Knight of Spires!
(man 3)
Harker's reputation has plummeted.
-Rubbish!
-It's the worst ending ever!
(man 4) When I got to the end,
I wanted to cut Harker's throat
and chuck her on a fire.
(man 5) She should have spent
less time wiping her husband's arse
-and more time
-Oh, God!
(sighs)
(dog barking)
(Cheryl) God, I can't remember
the last time I was here.
I'm here for you, okay?
You can do this.
-Ms Harker! Long time no see!
-Yes, indeed, Mick. How are you?
We're all very sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
-Lance hated that guy.
-(chuckles)
(classical music playing)
-(Ralph mutters)
-Ralph!
Ah!
Thank you for your note.
Note? Er, but I
You know my editor, Regina?
Er, ye yeah, we've met,
I'm sure.
My dear. How are you?
I'm so sorry for your loss.
(Cheryl) So, how do you know
tonight's speaker?
(Ralph) Ah yes, we met
at the Old Boy's club.
He's done seven solo-expeditions
and founded his "Climate Academy",
singlehanded.
I mean, I could just go on and on.
(feedback blares)
(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome,
Director of the world-famous
Saattut Climate Academy
founder of the global sensation
that is Disruptive Exploration.
He's an activist, a scholar,
and an award-winning ecopreneur.
He's Doctor Robert Chance!
(crowd murmuring)
(rock music plays)
-(crowd applauds)
-(Ralph exclaims)
-(feedback blares)
-(Rob) Whoa!
(crowd laughs)
(Rob) Oh
Yep, whoa, hey! Oh, I'm fine.
I'm fine!
(laughs)
-Ah, whoa!
-(crowd applauds)
(clears throat)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you for braving the cold
and, er, coming here tonight
to listen to a talk by yet another
middle-aged cis white bloke.
(crowd laughs)
And thank you also
for understanding
why I cannot do this
sitting in the confines
of a stuffy lecture hall.
Disruptive Exploration
it's not theoretical.
It is urgent. It is vital.
And speaking entirely
from personal experience,
it has the capacity to be
utterly transformational.
Back in the day, I was what
your mother might call
(inhales deeply)
"a bit of a shit."
(crowd laughing)
I was privileged enough to be born
into a wealthy family.
Top-notch education.
Job awaiting for me
at my father's firm.
(Rob) I made a fortune.
I lost a fortune.
I made a fortune,
but then one night,
after quaffing a 200 pound
bottle of Chateau
whatever in my Islington
penthouse apartment,
I fell asleep
watching
-a Ralph Unwin documentary
-(crowd applauding)
on the Arctic.
(applause stops)
And I had a dream.
I was standing
on a glacier in the Arctic.
And the seas
were crashing around me.
And the sky was full of stars.
But the ice beneath my feet
was melting.
Now, if you ask
a Greenlandic Angakkuq,
they will tell you I had
a Shamanic Dream.
A personal prophecy
of huge symbolic power.
(sighs)
Now, whether you believe
in that kind of thing or not,
all I can tell you
is that the very next day,
on the morning
of the third of June 2005,
(Rob) I left my lucrative job
in the family business,
I booked a ticket North,
and I dedicated my life
to combatting the polar ice melt.
And I've never looked back.
(crowd applauds)
And I choose never to look back,
because the only thing
that matters now,
the only thing we must focus on
is not the past.
It's the f
Fuck off, you liar!
You realised the error
of your ways, did you?
But you didn't think to say sorry?
Got to the North Pole
but couldn't get your fucking arse
up to Derbyshire?
(shatters)
(tense music)
(indistinct chatter)
(camera shutter clicks)
(tense music continues)
(Rob) Oh, my God, she's crazy!
Don't listen to her!
She's doolally.
She's not a well woman.
Alice? Alice?
I'm worried about her.
She's always had problems.
I can't get through to her.
She won't listen.
Are you okay?
She's volatile.
I'm speaking the truth.
You know that, Alice, you know that
I'm the only one
who speaks the truth.
There's too many lies
in this world, Alice.
(overlapping chatter)
She is completely doolally.
She's crazy.
(music intensifies, fades)
(Rob) It does, it does.
(laughter)
You know that.
You know that I know.
-Sorry.
-Sorry.
(indistinct chatter)
-(bell tolling in distance)
-(siren wails in distance)
(officer) Yes, madam?
(Alice)
I've come to report a crime.
-(Cheryl) This isn't my coat.
-(man) Sorry.
I'm sorry, this is definitely
a man's coat.
Excuse me, did I hear you say
you have the wrong coat?
Could we have got muddled up?
That is mine. Thank you.
And there's me trying to sneak out
without anybody noticing.
-I'm Rob, by the way.
-I
Yeah, I'm Cheryl. Harker.
(grunts)
Right then.
How do I get out of here? Er
Oh, look. Exit!
Aren't you supposed to be
the guest of honour?
(groans)
I've done the important bit.
What did you think of the evening?
If you don't mind my asking.
Oh, I thought it was a very
important event.
Yet you're leaving already?
Only because I want to grab dinner
before I go home.
Yeah? Er
-I mean, I suppose I could.
-Sorry?
Oh, God. You didn't mean that.
What is wrong with me this evening?
(Rob groans)
It's my natural optimism, see?
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
I just can't stand eating alone.
Yeah, me neither.
Erm, without making
assumptions of any kind,
your boyfriend slash girlfriend
slash husband slash partner
probably wouldn't like you having
dinner with a strange academic,
would he slash she?
-I'm widowed.
-Oh, I see.
-Is that why you're wearing black?
-What? No.
Do you sit at home with the clocks
stopped and the curtains drawn?
-No, not in the least.
-Good.
(Rob) All right then.
Well, in that case,
how do you feel about Tabbouleh?
(Sharon) Just so you know we do
encourage people to go online now,
or to phone 101 unless someone
is in immediate danger.
-Oh, I'm so sorry.
-But I'm meant to be
at my mother-in-law's hen party.
-Yeah, you heard right.
-Mm.
You say what's happened
and I'll ask you
if there's anything
I need you to clarify.
Okay.
So, basically,
my husband left me.
Very suddenly.
Well, that's not the crime, is it?
(laughs)
Sorry. Carry on. When was this?
Fifteen years ago, he went out
to get a Chinese takeaway
and he never came back.
We phoned all around,
went out searching,
checked all the hospitals, waited.
But nothing.
-What was his name?
-His name's Robbie Graham. But
And at the time of disappearance,
did you file a
missing person's report?
Er, no. We, er, because
Did he have any
mental health issues?
Was he depressed
-or on any medication?
-No, no.
And he didn't leave a note
or any indication
where he might be going?
The last thing he said was,
"Have you got a tenner?
I fancy a chow mein."
Right.
Okay, so
We can make a report but
I wouldn't hold out much hope
if he's been missing for this long.
No, no, sorry!
That's not why I'm here.
I'm here because I've just seen him
today in Oxford.
I also found this.
He's pretending to be some kind
of posh science expert.
But he's not!
He's calling himself Dr Chance.
That's a lie!
He's a property developer
from Stoke!
Ms Newman, is someone
in immediate danger?
-Erm, no
-Is this man threatening to
-to harm someone?
-No! Not exactly
-it's more like
-Well, you know, I'm really sorry
but this isn't something
that the police would
Could you just let me
get to the point?
Sorry.
I'm really sorry.
It's just the point I'm making
is that he did things.
When we were married, he got my dad
and some of my dad's friends,
folks from round where we lived,
to invest in holiday homes
in Florida.
(Alice) I invested too.
He said it was
the "opportunity of a lifetime."
Yeah, that we'd be rich
beyond our wildest dreams.
Right? So
Dad went all in with his accident
compensation, his pension,
only then, the scheme
hit some problems.
And we all had
to give more money.
And more money.
And Dad started taking
all these loans out.
And Robbie was reassuring everyone
that they'd get it back
and that it would be
in their account in a few days
and that was when
When he disappeared.
That must have been very difficult.
I know this sounds
(inhales deeply)
But when we got married,
he was sort of like,
not the answer to my prayers,
but before we met,
I was like
stuck at home helping my dad
cause, well, that's another story
but Robbie made this whole
thing about how he was
gonna look after me.
(Alice) But it was all lies.
He was just racking up more debt.
And I'm still paying it off!
And not just me.
My mum and dad lost their house.
(sniffles)
Then they split up.
We
We all loved Robbie.
We trusted him.
He was part of our family.
How can you do that
to people you love?
How much do you have
to hate your wife
to leave her
without even telling her?
(both laughing)
My bloody tech guy said
it was safe.
So, I said, "Are you sure
about the kilt, Ernie?"
He said, "It'll be fine!"
(chortles)
Erm, oh, excuse me?
Can we, er, just get a bit
of everything on the menu?
-Hmm?
-Er, just, er
Everything, bring it all.
(chuckles)
Thank you.
(laughs)
-(sighs)
-(both) So
(laughs)
No, you go on.
I was just gonna say, er
(clicks tongue)
I am so sorry
I haven't heard of your books.
-Don't be silly.
-I used to love fiction.
But, well, these days
I just read boring academic stuff.
What were you gonna say?
Oh, that story about
shamanic dreams,
-did that really happen?
-(chuckles)
Erm, I am an unusual
scientist, Miss Harker,
I believe
there are things in this world
we won't ever be able to explain.
Like?
Like
For example,
there's all this neuroscience
about how music releases
dopamine in your brain,
but what I experience
when I listen to a piece of music
that's astonishing
goes beyond that.
(Rob) Opera, cheesy pop,
-satanic thrash metal.
-(both chuckle)
For me, music
is something spiritual.
Towards the end of his illness,
my husband
stopped recognising me.
He thought I was a nurse
or his mother.
I'd say to him, "No, dear,
I'm Cheryl, I'm your wife."
And he'd say,
"No, no, my wife is Miriam."
That was his first wife.
Ouch.
Then one morning,
I had the radio on in his room,
and "I Want You"
by Marvin Gaye came on.
And suddenly, he started
singing along, knew all the words.
And he looked at me
and he said, "This was our song."
And I said, "Yes!"
And for about an hour, we talked.
A momentary reprieve
before the dementia took him back.
And that night was the night
(chuckles)
(exhales deeply)
There's a place I want to show you
after this.
Will you come?
Right then. Get this down, you.
I know it took a lot of guts
for you to come in and talk to me.
It's not easy.
But I want you to know
that you're not alone.
This sort of thing is very common,
and we do take it seriously.
Having said that,
unfortunately, a verbal report
isn't sufficient.
We do need more tangible evidence.
Oh, I see. You mean
A paper trail of documents,
bank statements,
anything where
we can prove he's indicated
an intention to do
one thing with your money
and further proof that
he's done otherwise.
And also useful,
some indication that this behaviour
is part of a pattern?
Something he's done since.
(chuckles)
Perhaps more usefully,
something he's doing now.
I don't know what he's done since.
But this is what he's doing now.
-Lecturing?
-Lying!
(Sharon) Lying's isn't a crime,
unfortunately.
The other thing we need
to think about is intent.
-Cause like you said
-Intent?
We don't really know whether or not
Dr Chance intended to steal
or whether he was just
a very bad businessman.
Which again, isn't a crime.
A lot of successful folk
have lost money
before they make their millions.
So, without evidence,
I'm afraid we can't
take this case any further
and, er,
we won't be able to recover
your money, unfortunately.
(Sharon) But good news is,
we've got a special website
dedicated to this kind of thing.
So, if you think of anything,
or you remember anything more,
you can go on here
and make a report.
A website?
There's one of those online forms
you can fill in.
(Alice sobs)
(tragic music)
(melancholy music)
I had a musical chum in college
who let me in
on this little secret.
(chuckles)
Students have been practising
here for generations
because of the special acoustic
properties in the tunnel.
(melancholy music continues)
Before I kiss you
I have to warn you.
I don't do strings. I travel light.
And I'm spending
the next six months
on a remote polar research station
with no Wi-Fi.
I'm in love with a dead man.
(music stops)
Did you not get my message?
Oh, Alice.
I've been so worried!
Hello, Mother.
What on earth were you
-doing, Alice?
-Of course, there's something
-they can do about it.
-Going to the police.
Why the hell am I only finding out
about this now?
-Looking for evidence.
-It'll just look like Sour Grapes!
Everybody stop shouting!
You're going to wake Josh!
(Bill) Sorry about all this, love.
It's just a shock, is all.
-A disappointment.
-(Diane) Alice spying on him
like some lunatic.
And you told me he was dead.
No, I told you
we never heard from him again
and he was most likely dead.
If he's still alive
Does that mean
you're still married?
No! Don't be silly.
(Bill)
She filled in a load of papers
and got a divorce
put through without him.
-When?
-(Alice) Ages ago.
Before I met you.
To think, you could've been married
to a doctor
instead of living in sin
with a professional clown.
-Thanks, Di.
-(Alice) I don't even know
why Dad told you!
For once, he did right by me.
Was Sir Ralph Unwin really there?
Yeah. They're like mates.
And you told me he was a wrong'un.
(Bill) Diane, use your noggin.
Robbie didn't get O levels.
He left school at 15.
How's he become
an Oxford scientist?
(Diane) Well, he could've gone
to Oxford after he knew us.
You know, a mature student.
Wikipedia says
he graduated in 1988, so
-He's got a Wikipedia?
-You can write your own Wikipedia.
-Can you?
-No, I don't think you can.
I don't think it's true.
He's not suddenly a scientist!
(Diane)
Oh, Alice, what's he gonna say
when he finds out
that you've been to the police?
-How's he gonna feel?
-I don't care how he feels!
And you wonder why he left you!
(laughs)
She burned all the wedding photos,
you know.
Mm, she was very bitter.
Bitter?
I was bitter?
Come on now,
I I don't think we should
I'm really tired. Sorry.
Listen,
whatever happened back then,
the important thing is there were
rights and wrongs on both sides.
Your father in particular
made some very poor decisions.
Robbie's obviously
turned his life around.
And, well
I don't know why
you can't too, for god's sake.
If he's turned his life around,
why is he still lying?
I can't go through this again.
It'll destroy me!
Come on, Charles, we should go.
(Bill) Will you not be needing
a bed for the night then, Di?
No, Bill.
Charles has booked us
into The Randolph.
-(door slams shut)
-(Alice screams)
(tense music)
(Diane) Oh.
(indistinct chatter)
(car door closes)
How did you feel when you saw him?
Nothing.
What do you mean?
I'm just trying to imagine it.
If you went missing and
Then I saw you again
after all those years.
I wouldn't do that to you.
(tense music continues)
(sniffs)
(dog whines)
When Terry joined the Retirement
Community Bridge club,
he was the youngest member
by 34 years.
Took my mother six days
to agree to marry him.
Three weeks before
her 89th birthday,
she gave him
two point two million dollars.
(upbeat music)
"Graduated from
Barnard College Oxford
with a first in Classics."
(scoffs)
Ah!
(laughs)
(phone chimes)
-(Benjy) Alice?
-I'm off to work.
I'll see you later.
(Alice) Oh, hello.
Can you put me through to the
Saattut Climate Academy, please?
(man) Yes, the academy
isn't based in Gideon College,
they just rent rooms for lectures.
(Juno)
Time to take Poppy to tennis.
(shrieks)
(automated voice) You are through
to the automated
voicemail service for
(Rob over voicemail)
Saattut Climate Academy.
(automated voice)
This mailbox is full.
Please try again later.
What?
Are you ready then?
You're popping out to get me cash!
Right!
Yes, great!
-(dog barking)
-(Rob) I devoured the entire series
-in practically one sitting.
-(Cheryl chuckles)
And I thought the ending
was fantastic.
(Rob) Original, gripping, moving.
Honestly, I don't know
what these idiots
on the internet are on about.
It's because
there was such a long gap
between books six and seven.
All this fan fiction
started appearing
about how the Knight of Spires
and Doonathra get together
which was never the intention.
He was always this corrupt,
evil, monster,
but this subsection of my fandom
for some reason co-opted him
as their hero.
-That's ridiculous.
-(scoffs)
Doonathra killing him was supposed
to be this huge victory,
instead they've taken
against her and me.
Well, I thought it was a victory.
And I think
you're a freaking genius.
I am completely
and totally in awe of you
and feel entirely unworthy
to even be in your presence.
No, I'm serious.
Not only are you a superb novelist,
you are extraordinarily beautiful
and wonderful company.
So, consider me your new
number one fan.
Five stars!
Fine. Well, I will soak
in your enthusiasm
for as long as I have the pleasure
of your company.
When do you leave for the Arctic?
Hmm? Oh, it's been pushed. So
you have the pleasure
of my company for a few more days!
(dog barking in distance)
(ominous music)
(sighs)
(man) Welcome to the Unwin Children
of the World Foundation.
Please choose
from the following options.
Press one for donation. Press two
You're not stalking again, are you?
I'm not stalking.
I'm investigating.
-The police won't do it, so.
-Mm.
-What?
-I'm saying nothing.
Except if it was
the other way round,
and I was spending every night
google-stalking Debbie
-Wouldn't take long.
-What do you mean?
I mean, I google stalked
all your ex-girlfriends extensively
the moment I found out their names,
and there was not much to find.
So
(sighs)
(sighs)
(whines)
Mm. So, I have a little
proposal for you.
No, don't panic.
It's not that serious.
I have a little chateau
in the Dordogne.
Beautiful countryside.
Tennis courts. Swimming pool.
Fantastic wine cellar.
I was wondering whether
you fancy accompanying me
on "une petit vacances."
Thing is I, er
I can't really leave Goblin.
The dog?
Wouldn't he be okay
just for a few days?
It's complicated.
I know that I'm a bit
funny about him.
It's just
My stepdaughter Danni
bought him for me after Lance died,
and he's just very special.
I'm sorry.
No. Not at all. Not a problem.
(snores)
(phone chimes)
(ominous music)
(whispers)
Dad? Wake up.
Wha wh-what's going on?
He's on a date with another woman!
(stutters)
You can't just
I can't just what?
Tell Benjy I've gone to the shop.
-Be careful!
-(door opens)
(indistinct chatter)
(Rob) I'd love to meet her.
Maybe we could arrange
a dinner or something.
Ah, you could bring Danni.
I could invite my brother.
And then if that goes well,
I could be terribly brave
and let you meet my mother.
Look, listen. Erm
I've had such a good time
getting to know you.
Oh, you're so sweet,
I feel exactly the same.
However, I think
This is all moving a bit fast.
(Cheryl) I'm neglecting stuff
I'm meant to be doing and
I thought you had a whole new
chapter of your life opening up.
(sputters)
I do and
it's it's just
I'm supposed to be meeting
young carers for my scholarship.
Well, that won't take long,
will it?
No, it's it's just mind space.
I I feel like maybe
the sensible thing to do
is call it a day.
I just need to focus
on myself for a bit
and as you said,
you're a no strings
kind of guy, so
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Good. All right then.
(Cheryl) Thank you.
Can I still come to your
Blackwell's book signing thing?
-Just as a fan?
-Do you mind if you don't?
I think I left, erm
my father's cufflinks
at your house.
Would it be okay if
you pop them in the post?
No problem.
-Can we get the cheque, please?
-Er, no.
No, no, no, I'll get it.
Erm, I insist.
(Cheryl) Thank you
for being such a gentleman.
(Cheryl) Come on, Goblin.
Come on, baby.
(tutting)
(cries)
(dramatic music)
The new nanny hasn't turned up.
And someone needs to collect Poppy.
But you can lake the Range Rover.
And if you could just get me
a teeny bit of cash. Fifty quid.
(smooches)
Love you forever.
Did you decide yet?
About my cape?
Oh. Yeah, well, erm
The team felt it was a bit
a bit quirky for the brief.
-Quirky?
-Yeah, you know.
A bit a bit zany.
A bit mad!
(chortles)
(chortling continues)
(quirky music)
(indistinct chatter)
(dog barking)
(barking continues)
(suspenseful music)
(Cheryl)
"The knight of Spires had to die
so that Arathdo might thrive.
But what of Doonathra's own life?
Who was she now?
Their champion of legend,
their long-awaited queen,
a little girl
who set out on adventure
with a heart full of hope.
There is nothing else left
for me to do,
she told the gathering shadows."
(Cheryl)
"There is one thing always,"
the shadows replied.
"Remember love."
(crowd applauding)
Right, then, er, any questions?
Why did you kill
the Knights of Spires?
He was the best one!
(suspenseful music continues)
(grunts)
-(sighs)
-# Can I touch you? #
# Can I touch you? #
# And do the things
That lovers do #
-(Rob) # Oh, ooh #
-# Oh, ooh #
-# Want to hold you #
-# Want to hold you #
-# I gotta get it through to you #
-# I gotta get it through to you #
-# Oh #
-# Oh #
-# Oh when the going gets tough #
-# Oh when the going gets tough #
-# The tough get going #
-# The tough get going #
-# When the going gets rough #
-# When the going gets rough #
(suspenseful music)
(whines)
-(screams)
-(car horn honking)
(Alice) Sorry!
Fuck!
(suspenseful music continues)
(shrieks)
(grunts)
(groans)
(ominous music)
(splashing)
(car engine starts)
Goblin?
Have you seen Goblin?
(tutting)
-(Cheryl) Goblin?
-(Regina) Goblin?
Goblin?
(suspenseful music)
Goblin?
(Regina) Has anyone seen
a little black dog?
Goblin?
Goblin!
Goblin!
Goblin!
(grunts)
(suspenseful music continues)
God!
Goblin!
(whimpers)
I knew it!
(echoes)
What?
("When the Going Gets Though"
by Billy Ocean plays)
# Yeah #
# Oh #
(Rob) So when it starts coming in,
I start speaking, correct?
There are always moments
when I think I should've known.
-(ominous music)
-(indistinct chattering)
Force promises,
scare tactics, coercion.
-(crew 1) Right. Okay, lovely.
-(bell rings)
I was recently divorced,
in this big house that
I'd inherited from my grandmother.
I was dubious at first,
but then Mum showed me the website.
(indistinct chatter)
That was a red flag.
Why didn't you tell, why didn't
you see what was happening
before it was too late?
And then suddenly, whoosh!
He'd be off.
(indistinct chatter)
I never heard from him again.
(crew 2) Nice and quiet, everyone.
(crew 3) Here we go, and action.
I've always fought
for what I believed in.
And whether I did right or wrong,
I meant well.
And I wasn't born
with a silver spoon.
I've had to fight my way up
against a corrupt system.
And I'm proud
of what I've achieved.
And yeah,
I've made mistakes.
But what matters
is what's inside a man's heart.
And those who know me,
know my heart.
And to the doubters and the haters
and, yeah, you know who you are.
I believe in a little thing
called Karma.
And your Karma's coming.
("Material Girl" by Madonna plays)
(chimes)
# Some boys kiss me
Some boys hug me #
# I think they're okay #
# If they don't give me
Proper credit #
#I just walk away #
A woman who wears this
is not afraid to take up space.
She is confident,
she is creative
(sighs)
She is confident, she is creative,
she is successful.
(phone rings)
Yes, you said,
a soy cappuccino and a
Yeah, no, sorry, course
you can change your mind.
I'm just hang on, Juno.
-(thuds)
-(Alice grunts)
-Who's in there?
-(Bill) It's me.
Dad, don't forget it's wonga day,
have you taken your pills?
-(Bill) Aren't you late for work?
-I am going now.
(Benjy) Josh, put your socks on.
-(Josh) Not now.
-What's all this?
We've negotiated one cartoon
in return for Josh putting on
his own socks and shoes,
haven't we?
-(sighs)
-(Benjy) Wow.
You look amazing.
Ready to kick some arse?
Yeah, I am.
It's just, with Juno,
it's all about the pitch.
So if I can just stay confident,
she'll go with it.
All I want is the chance
to show what I'm capable of.
And you will.
-You're gonna go in there.
-(Alice) Yeah.
You're gonna tell yourself,
"I deserve this."
-I deserve this.
-(Benjy) "This is long overdue."
-This is long overdue.
-Obviously don't say that out loud.
This is it.
-Kiss me!
-Yes, ma'am.
(exhales sharply)
I'm ready.
-(bell tolls)
-(classical music)
(Rob) Special event tonight,
Gideon College,
we'd love to see you there.
You can sign up online,
bring a friend.
Hey, hi there, special event
tonight, Gideon College.
I'd love to see you there,
you can sign up online.
-(woman) Sure.
-Hey, hi.
(classical music continues)
(grunts)
-(crowd gasping)
-(Rob) Bastard bike.
-Bollocks.
-(man 1) Hey, are you all right?
(woman) Do you need a hand?
(man 2) Can I help you?
Are you okay?
Oh, no, we're good, we're good,
thank you so much, thank you.
(bell tolls)
(Rob) But you posted it
yesterday, yeah?
Then great.
Well, then it should easily
be there by now.
Sorry, I'm just heading there now.
No, you know what,
if she doesn't bite,
we'll find another way in.
Shall we take a look at my pitch?
Third time lucky, exactly.
I can bring it down to your office.
Yeah, it's tonight. Yep!
Yeah.
(Rob) Okay, over and out.
(ominous music)
(ominous music continues)
(breathes shakily)
(music intensifies)
-Good morning, sir.
-Morning.
-Can I help you?
-Sorry, I just
Public entrance on the other side.
-Yeah, I'm not.
-Public entrance. Other side!
(sighs)
Robbie?
(sniffles)
(phone ringing)
(Juno) Alice!
Are we ready to do your pitch?
(suspenseful music)
This is a
Er
Practical yet stylish design
that declares,
-er, an inner confidence.
-Mm.
The woman who wears this cape
is not afraid to
to, to
to take up space.
(sighs)
Sorry, I just
(grunts)
Al? Are you okay?
(ominous music)
Bloody hell.
(background chatter)
That is him, isn't it?
Cause remember
there was that bloke in Aldi.
And the chap at the fair
Well, I think so.
It's just Greenland?
Disruptive Exploration?
What is all this?
What the hell's
"Sar-toot Climate Academy"?
And who's Dr Robert Chance?
(Alice) It's our Robbie Graham.
I looked him up, look.
(Bill) He's pals
with Sir Ralph Unwin?
I don't understand.
It says he's a "climate scientist."
He's a what? He's not dead then!
And he's changed his name.
Where the hell has he been?
Don't tell me he's living here.
Oh, God!
He doesn't know
we moved here, does he?
-How could he?
-He's hasn't been
in touch with you or
Been in touch with me?
-What's your mother gonna say?
-Oh, no. No, no, no, Dad.
-She thinks he's dead!
-No, let's just wait, please.
-Until we have more information.
-You're not to talk to him.
-I don't want to!
-You're better off without him!
Of course I am!
-What are you on about?
-I just mean
We all loved him,
but you're doing so good now.
I don't want you going back
to how you were.
After he went.
We were so worried about you.
Hm.
Have I been waiting for this?
Have you?
I've imagined
so many different ways
we might find out
what happened to him.
But I never,
in a million years, thought
Bastard!
He will be dead
when I get my hands on him!
(Bill) What the hell's
he playing at?
(whimsical music)
(man) trying to make the world
a better place.
Aspirationally, yes.
(whimsical music continues)
(dog whines)
(whining continues)
(dog barks)
(Regina)
We need more light in here.
Isn't she up yet?
Well, I suppose
at least she's sleeping.
(Lola)
I can't believe it's finally done!
(Regina) Oh! Tell me about it.
I was afraid we were heading
for another Game of Thrones.
I mean, hit TV show aside,
from a publishing point of view,
George is taking the piss.
-(chuckles)
-(Cheryl) Morning everyone!
-Morning, Cheryl!
-(Cheryl) Well, not quite.
Lola! What are you doing here?
I'm signing book sevens
this morning.
Do we have a scholarship meeting?
Oh, erm,
Priana's hoping for a decision
on the scholarship candidates
by the end of the week.
We need to start organising
the announcement dinner.
I still have one
shortlisted candidate to visit.
(Cheryl) We're dealing
with young carers, it takes time.
I'll get back to you
as soon as I can.
Regina, let's set up
in the Red Room
it's more comfortable.
(Regina) Now I know the tour wasn't
everything we hoped for, but
(Cheryl) It was humiliating.
(Regina) But the online feedback
is 99 percent positive.
Don't lie to me.
The fans hate it.
A few disgruntled people cross
about the ending. I mean, so what?
You can't please all the people
all of the time! You know that.
I'm so sorry.
Was I trying to write while caring
for my terminally ill husband?
So sorry to disappoint.
Soulless vampires.
(Regina) There's already demand
for a prequel.
Personally, I don't think
we should go down that road.
-Why not?
-Well, don't you want a change?
Create a new world?
A new world.
-You know
-(cup clinks)
I wouldn't mind writing a sci-fi.
Or what about a memoir?
You could have a chapter about me.
(Regina laughs)
I don't know, I don't really know
what I wanna do.
I haven't thought past
the paperback.
So take a break. Go on holiday!
-On my own?
-(Regina) Well, people do.
Take a bit of time to, you know,
work out who you are
without Lance.
Or get back on the dating sites.
Have a go at meeting someone else.
No.
Danni was right. It's too soon.
-(dog barks)
-(heels thud)
(Lola) Sorry to interrupt, erm,
Hilary said this just came
in the post.
"Hope you can still make it?"
-Did I say I'd go to this?
-Who's it from?
Oh!
Ralph Unwin Foundation Lectures.
Ooh, yes, please!
(Regina)
The nation's second favourite
-natural historian and broadcaster.
-(groans)
I love him. Oh, it's at Gideon.
Exactly.
Why would I say I'd go?
It doesn't make sense.
Well, it might be good to go back.
-Face the demons.
-Not demons.
-Good memories.
-Hmm.
Who's Dr Robert Chance?
And what's
"Disruptive Exploration?"
Who knows? Who cares?
I'm not going
and that's the end of it!
I'd have bloody jumped on
the bastard and wrung his neck.
(chuckles)
-Have you called the police?
-And said what?
Sorry darling,
we were quite shitfaced
when you told me the story,
and it, it it was a while ago
but if memory serves,
this is the husband that
buggered off with all your money.
-Didn't your dad lose his house?
-(Alice) Yes.
But it was more complicated
than that.
-Maybe I didn't explain.
-No, no.
You did, in between ugly crying!
You seemed to think
it was complicated, hun,
but it sounded to me like
he saw you lot coming.
And the police won't take kindly
to a university man
diddling gullible poor people.
No offence.
No, but he wasn't that. Before.
He was a self-made
property developer.
He didn't even go to university!
It's a long time ago, isn't it?
When did you get married?
July 2005.
Well, you'll have to explain
all of that.
And mention
your dad's in a wheelchair!
My dad's not in a wheelchair.
Isn't he? Oh, you told me he was.
Look, just go down there right now
and tell them what you told me.
Maybe without drinking
a litre of wine first.
Will they believe me?
-Are you telling the truth?
-Of course!
Then of course they'll believe you!
Why would you make it up?
Or here's a thought,
do drink a litre of wine,
turn up at his talk thingy
and threaten to start
telling people.
He'll probably offer to pay you
back on the spot.
Oh, look!
(snickers)
He really is friends
with Sir Ralph Unwin!
Such a genius.
-Are you sure it's the same guy?
-Yes.
-Might he have an identical twin?
-No.
Well, it's up to you, hun.
But you've got to do something.
Stand up for yourself,
for goodness sake!
(breathes deeply)
(melancholy music)
-(phone chimes)
-(sighs)
(Cheryl breathes deeply)
(woman) What a disappointment!
We waited three years
and got this shit!
(man 1) Too much exposition,
-no plot.
-(man 2) Don't waste your money.
-Worst ending ever.
-All in all, a total failure!
(man 2) RIP Knight of Spires!
(man 3)
Harker's reputation has plummeted.
-Rubbish!
-It's the worst ending ever!
(man 4) When I got to the end,
I wanted to cut Harker's throat
and chuck her on a fire.
(man 5) She should have spent
less time wiping her husband's arse
-and more time
-Oh, God!
(sighs)
(dog barking)
(Cheryl) God, I can't remember
the last time I was here.
I'm here for you, okay?
You can do this.
-Ms Harker! Long time no see!
-Yes, indeed, Mick. How are you?
We're all very sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
-Lance hated that guy.
-(chuckles)
(classical music playing)
-(Ralph mutters)
-Ralph!
Ah!
Thank you for your note.
Note? Er, but I
You know my editor, Regina?
Er, ye yeah, we've met,
I'm sure.
My dear. How are you?
I'm so sorry for your loss.
(Cheryl) So, how do you know
tonight's speaker?
(Ralph) Ah yes, we met
at the Old Boy's club.
He's done seven solo-expeditions
and founded his "Climate Academy",
singlehanded.
I mean, I could just go on and on.
(feedback blares)
(announcer) Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome,
Director of the world-famous
Saattut Climate Academy
founder of the global sensation
that is Disruptive Exploration.
He's an activist, a scholar,
and an award-winning ecopreneur.
He's Doctor Robert Chance!
(crowd murmuring)
(rock music plays)
-(crowd applauds)
-(Ralph exclaims)
-(feedback blares)
-(Rob) Whoa!
(crowd laughs)
(Rob) Oh
Yep, whoa, hey! Oh, I'm fine.
I'm fine!
(laughs)
-Ah, whoa!
-(crowd applauds)
(clears throat)
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you for braving the cold
and, er, coming here tonight
to listen to a talk by yet another
middle-aged cis white bloke.
(crowd laughs)
And thank you also
for understanding
why I cannot do this
sitting in the confines
of a stuffy lecture hall.
Disruptive Exploration
it's not theoretical.
It is urgent. It is vital.
And speaking entirely
from personal experience,
it has the capacity to be
utterly transformational.
Back in the day, I was what
your mother might call
(inhales deeply)
"a bit of a shit."
(crowd laughing)
I was privileged enough to be born
into a wealthy family.
Top-notch education.
Job awaiting for me
at my father's firm.
(Rob) I made a fortune.
I lost a fortune.
I made a fortune,
but then one night,
after quaffing a 200 pound
bottle of Chateau
whatever in my Islington
penthouse apartment,
I fell asleep
watching
-a Ralph Unwin documentary
-(crowd applauding)
on the Arctic.
(applause stops)
And I had a dream.
I was standing
on a glacier in the Arctic.
And the seas
were crashing around me.
And the sky was full of stars.
But the ice beneath my feet
was melting.
Now, if you ask
a Greenlandic Angakkuq,
they will tell you I had
a Shamanic Dream.
A personal prophecy
of huge symbolic power.
(sighs)
Now, whether you believe
in that kind of thing or not,
all I can tell you
is that the very next day,
on the morning
of the third of June 2005,
(Rob) I left my lucrative job
in the family business,
I booked a ticket North,
and I dedicated my life
to combatting the polar ice melt.
And I've never looked back.
(crowd applauds)
And I choose never to look back,
because the only thing
that matters now,
the only thing we must focus on
is not the past.
It's the f
Fuck off, you liar!
You realised the error
of your ways, did you?
But you didn't think to say sorry?
Got to the North Pole
but couldn't get your fucking arse
up to Derbyshire?
(shatters)
(tense music)
(indistinct chatter)
(camera shutter clicks)
(tense music continues)
(Rob) Oh, my God, she's crazy!
Don't listen to her!
She's doolally.
She's not a well woman.
Alice? Alice?
I'm worried about her.
She's always had problems.
I can't get through to her.
She won't listen.
Are you okay?
She's volatile.
I'm speaking the truth.
You know that, Alice, you know that
I'm the only one
who speaks the truth.
There's too many lies
in this world, Alice.
(overlapping chatter)
She is completely doolally.
She's crazy.
(music intensifies, fades)
(Rob) It does, it does.
(laughter)
You know that.
You know that I know.
-Sorry.
-Sorry.
(indistinct chatter)
-(bell tolling in distance)
-(siren wails in distance)
(officer) Yes, madam?
(Alice)
I've come to report a crime.
-(Cheryl) This isn't my coat.
-(man) Sorry.
I'm sorry, this is definitely
a man's coat.
Excuse me, did I hear you say
you have the wrong coat?
Could we have got muddled up?
That is mine. Thank you.
And there's me trying to sneak out
without anybody noticing.
-I'm Rob, by the way.
-I
Yeah, I'm Cheryl. Harker.
(grunts)
Right then.
How do I get out of here? Er
Oh, look. Exit!
Aren't you supposed to be
the guest of honour?
(groans)
I've done the important bit.
What did you think of the evening?
If you don't mind my asking.
Oh, I thought it was a very
important event.
Yet you're leaving already?
Only because I want to grab dinner
before I go home.
Yeah? Er
-I mean, I suppose I could.
-Sorry?
Oh, God. You didn't mean that.
What is wrong with me this evening?
(Rob groans)
It's my natural optimism, see?
I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
I just can't stand eating alone.
Yeah, me neither.
Erm, without making
assumptions of any kind,
your boyfriend slash girlfriend
slash husband slash partner
probably wouldn't like you having
dinner with a strange academic,
would he slash she?
-I'm widowed.
-Oh, I see.
-Is that why you're wearing black?
-What? No.
Do you sit at home with the clocks
stopped and the curtains drawn?
-No, not in the least.
-Good.
(Rob) All right then.
Well, in that case,
how do you feel about Tabbouleh?
(Sharon) Just so you know we do
encourage people to go online now,
or to phone 101 unless someone
is in immediate danger.
-Oh, I'm so sorry.
-But I'm meant to be
at my mother-in-law's hen party.
-Yeah, you heard right.
-Mm.
You say what's happened
and I'll ask you
if there's anything
I need you to clarify.
Okay.
So, basically,
my husband left me.
Very suddenly.
Well, that's not the crime, is it?
(laughs)
Sorry. Carry on. When was this?
Fifteen years ago, he went out
to get a Chinese takeaway
and he never came back.
We phoned all around,
went out searching,
checked all the hospitals, waited.
But nothing.
-What was his name?
-His name's Robbie Graham. But
And at the time of disappearance,
did you file a
missing person's report?
Er, no. We, er, because
Did he have any
mental health issues?
Was he depressed
-or on any medication?
-No, no.
And he didn't leave a note
or any indication
where he might be going?
The last thing he said was,
"Have you got a tenner?
I fancy a chow mein."
Right.
Okay, so
We can make a report but
I wouldn't hold out much hope
if he's been missing for this long.
No, no, sorry!
That's not why I'm here.
I'm here because I've just seen him
today in Oxford.
I also found this.
He's pretending to be some kind
of posh science expert.
But he's not!
He's calling himself Dr Chance.
That's a lie!
He's a property developer
from Stoke!
Ms Newman, is someone
in immediate danger?
-Erm, no
-Is this man threatening to
-to harm someone?
-No! Not exactly
-it's more like
-Well, you know, I'm really sorry
but this isn't something
that the police would
Could you just let me
get to the point?
Sorry.
I'm really sorry.
It's just the point I'm making
is that he did things.
When we were married, he got my dad
and some of my dad's friends,
folks from round where we lived,
to invest in holiday homes
in Florida.
(Alice) I invested too.
He said it was
the "opportunity of a lifetime."
Yeah, that we'd be rich
beyond our wildest dreams.
Right? So
Dad went all in with his accident
compensation, his pension,
only then, the scheme
hit some problems.
And we all had
to give more money.
And more money.
And Dad started taking
all these loans out.
And Robbie was reassuring everyone
that they'd get it back
and that it would be
in their account in a few days
and that was when
When he disappeared.
That must have been very difficult.
I know this sounds
(inhales deeply)
But when we got married,
he was sort of like,
not the answer to my prayers,
but before we met,
I was like
stuck at home helping my dad
cause, well, that's another story
but Robbie made this whole
thing about how he was
gonna look after me.
(Alice) But it was all lies.
He was just racking up more debt.
And I'm still paying it off!
And not just me.
My mum and dad lost their house.
(sniffles)
Then they split up.
We
We all loved Robbie.
We trusted him.
He was part of our family.
How can you do that
to people you love?
How much do you have
to hate your wife
to leave her
without even telling her?
(both laughing)
My bloody tech guy said
it was safe.
So, I said, "Are you sure
about the kilt, Ernie?"
He said, "It'll be fine!"
(chortles)
Erm, oh, excuse me?
Can we, er, just get a bit
of everything on the menu?
-Hmm?
-Er, just, er
Everything, bring it all.
(chuckles)
Thank you.
(laughs)
-(sighs)
-(both) So
(laughs)
No, you go on.
I was just gonna say, er
(clicks tongue)
I am so sorry
I haven't heard of your books.
-Don't be silly.
-I used to love fiction.
But, well, these days
I just read boring academic stuff.
What were you gonna say?
Oh, that story about
shamanic dreams,
-did that really happen?
-(chuckles)
Erm, I am an unusual
scientist, Miss Harker,
I believe
there are things in this world
we won't ever be able to explain.
Like?
Like
For example,
there's all this neuroscience
about how music releases
dopamine in your brain,
but what I experience
when I listen to a piece of music
that's astonishing
goes beyond that.
(Rob) Opera, cheesy pop,
-satanic thrash metal.
-(both chuckle)
For me, music
is something spiritual.
Towards the end of his illness,
my husband
stopped recognising me.
He thought I was a nurse
or his mother.
I'd say to him, "No, dear,
I'm Cheryl, I'm your wife."
And he'd say,
"No, no, my wife is Miriam."
That was his first wife.
Ouch.
Then one morning,
I had the radio on in his room,
and "I Want You"
by Marvin Gaye came on.
And suddenly, he started
singing along, knew all the words.
And he looked at me
and he said, "This was our song."
And I said, "Yes!"
And for about an hour, we talked.
A momentary reprieve
before the dementia took him back.
And that night was the night
(chuckles)
(exhales deeply)
There's a place I want to show you
after this.
Will you come?
Right then. Get this down, you.
I know it took a lot of guts
for you to come in and talk to me.
It's not easy.
But I want you to know
that you're not alone.
This sort of thing is very common,
and we do take it seriously.
Having said that,
unfortunately, a verbal report
isn't sufficient.
We do need more tangible evidence.
Oh, I see. You mean
A paper trail of documents,
bank statements,
anything where
we can prove he's indicated
an intention to do
one thing with your money
and further proof that
he's done otherwise.
And also useful,
some indication that this behaviour
is part of a pattern?
Something he's done since.
(chuckles)
Perhaps more usefully,
something he's doing now.
I don't know what he's done since.
But this is what he's doing now.
-Lecturing?
-Lying!
(Sharon) Lying's isn't a crime,
unfortunately.
The other thing we need
to think about is intent.
-Cause like you said
-Intent?
We don't really know whether or not
Dr Chance intended to steal
or whether he was just
a very bad businessman.
Which again, isn't a crime.
A lot of successful folk
have lost money
before they make their millions.
So, without evidence,
I'm afraid we can't
take this case any further
and, er,
we won't be able to recover
your money, unfortunately.
(Sharon) But good news is,
we've got a special website
dedicated to this kind of thing.
So, if you think of anything,
or you remember anything more,
you can go on here
and make a report.
A website?
There's one of those online forms
you can fill in.
(Alice sobs)
(tragic music)
(melancholy music)
I had a musical chum in college
who let me in
on this little secret.
(chuckles)
Students have been practising
here for generations
because of the special acoustic
properties in the tunnel.
(melancholy music continues)
Before I kiss you
I have to warn you.
I don't do strings. I travel light.
And I'm spending
the next six months
on a remote polar research station
with no Wi-Fi.
I'm in love with a dead man.
(music stops)
Did you not get my message?
Oh, Alice.
I've been so worried!
Hello, Mother.
What on earth were you
-doing, Alice?
-Of course, there's something
-they can do about it.
-Going to the police.
Why the hell am I only finding out
about this now?
-Looking for evidence.
-It'll just look like Sour Grapes!
Everybody stop shouting!
You're going to wake Josh!
(Bill) Sorry about all this, love.
It's just a shock, is all.
-A disappointment.
-(Diane) Alice spying on him
like some lunatic.
And you told me he was dead.
No, I told you
we never heard from him again
and he was most likely dead.
If he's still alive
Does that mean
you're still married?
No! Don't be silly.
(Bill)
She filled in a load of papers
and got a divorce
put through without him.
-When?
-(Alice) Ages ago.
Before I met you.
To think, you could've been married
to a doctor
instead of living in sin
with a professional clown.
-Thanks, Di.
-(Alice) I don't even know
why Dad told you!
For once, he did right by me.
Was Sir Ralph Unwin really there?
Yeah. They're like mates.
And you told me he was a wrong'un.
(Bill) Diane, use your noggin.
Robbie didn't get O levels.
He left school at 15.
How's he become
an Oxford scientist?
(Diane) Well, he could've gone
to Oxford after he knew us.
You know, a mature student.
Wikipedia says
he graduated in 1988, so
-He's got a Wikipedia?
-You can write your own Wikipedia.
-Can you?
-No, I don't think you can.
I don't think it's true.
He's not suddenly a scientist!
(Diane)
Oh, Alice, what's he gonna say
when he finds out
that you've been to the police?
-How's he gonna feel?
-I don't care how he feels!
And you wonder why he left you!
(laughs)
She burned all the wedding photos,
you know.
Mm, she was very bitter.
Bitter?
I was bitter?
Come on now,
I I don't think we should
I'm really tired. Sorry.
Listen,
whatever happened back then,
the important thing is there were
rights and wrongs on both sides.
Your father in particular
made some very poor decisions.
Robbie's obviously
turned his life around.
And, well
I don't know why
you can't too, for god's sake.
If he's turned his life around,
why is he still lying?
I can't go through this again.
It'll destroy me!
Come on, Charles, we should go.
(Bill) Will you not be needing
a bed for the night then, Di?
No, Bill.
Charles has booked us
into The Randolph.
-(door slams shut)
-(Alice screams)
(tense music)
(Diane) Oh.
(indistinct chatter)
(car door closes)
How did you feel when you saw him?
Nothing.
What do you mean?
I'm just trying to imagine it.
If you went missing and
Then I saw you again
after all those years.
I wouldn't do that to you.
(tense music continues)
(sniffs)
(dog whines)
When Terry joined the Retirement
Community Bridge club,
he was the youngest member
by 34 years.
Took my mother six days
to agree to marry him.
Three weeks before
her 89th birthday,
she gave him
two point two million dollars.
(upbeat music)
"Graduated from
Barnard College Oxford
with a first in Classics."
(scoffs)
Ah!
(laughs)
(phone chimes)
-(Benjy) Alice?
-I'm off to work.
I'll see you later.
(Alice) Oh, hello.
Can you put me through to the
Saattut Climate Academy, please?
(man) Yes, the academy
isn't based in Gideon College,
they just rent rooms for lectures.
(Juno)
Time to take Poppy to tennis.
(shrieks)
(automated voice) You are through
to the automated
voicemail service for
(Rob over voicemail)
Saattut Climate Academy.
(automated voice)
This mailbox is full.
Please try again later.
What?
Are you ready then?
You're popping out to get me cash!
Right!
Yes, great!
-(dog barking)
-(Rob) I devoured the entire series
-in practically one sitting.
-(Cheryl chuckles)
And I thought the ending
was fantastic.
(Rob) Original, gripping, moving.
Honestly, I don't know
what these idiots
on the internet are on about.
It's because
there was such a long gap
between books six and seven.
All this fan fiction
started appearing
about how the Knight of Spires
and Doonathra get together
which was never the intention.
He was always this corrupt,
evil, monster,
but this subsection of my fandom
for some reason co-opted him
as their hero.
-That's ridiculous.
-(scoffs)
Doonathra killing him was supposed
to be this huge victory,
instead they've taken
against her and me.
Well, I thought it was a victory.
And I think
you're a freaking genius.
I am completely
and totally in awe of you
and feel entirely unworthy
to even be in your presence.
No, I'm serious.
Not only are you a superb novelist,
you are extraordinarily beautiful
and wonderful company.
So, consider me your new
number one fan.
Five stars!
Fine. Well, I will soak
in your enthusiasm
for as long as I have the pleasure
of your company.
When do you leave for the Arctic?
Hmm? Oh, it's been pushed. So
you have the pleasure
of my company for a few more days!
(dog barking in distance)
(ominous music)
(sighs)
(man) Welcome to the Unwin Children
of the World Foundation.
Please choose
from the following options.
Press one for donation. Press two
You're not stalking again, are you?
I'm not stalking.
I'm investigating.
-The police won't do it, so.
-Mm.
-What?
-I'm saying nothing.
Except if it was
the other way round,
and I was spending every night
google-stalking Debbie
-Wouldn't take long.
-What do you mean?
I mean, I google stalked
all your ex-girlfriends extensively
the moment I found out their names,
and there was not much to find.
So
(sighs)
(sighs)
(whines)
Mm. So, I have a little
proposal for you.
No, don't panic.
It's not that serious.
I have a little chateau
in the Dordogne.
Beautiful countryside.
Tennis courts. Swimming pool.
Fantastic wine cellar.
I was wondering whether
you fancy accompanying me
on "une petit vacances."
Thing is I, er
I can't really leave Goblin.
The dog?
Wouldn't he be okay
just for a few days?
It's complicated.
I know that I'm a bit
funny about him.
It's just
My stepdaughter Danni
bought him for me after Lance died,
and he's just very special.
I'm sorry.
No. Not at all. Not a problem.
(snores)
(phone chimes)
(ominous music)
(whispers)
Dad? Wake up.
Wha wh-what's going on?
He's on a date with another woman!
(stutters)
You can't just
I can't just what?
Tell Benjy I've gone to the shop.
-Be careful!
-(door opens)
(indistinct chatter)
(Rob) I'd love to meet her.
Maybe we could arrange
a dinner or something.
Ah, you could bring Danni.
I could invite my brother.
And then if that goes well,
I could be terribly brave
and let you meet my mother.
Look, listen. Erm
I've had such a good time
getting to know you.
Oh, you're so sweet,
I feel exactly the same.
However, I think
This is all moving a bit fast.
(Cheryl) I'm neglecting stuff
I'm meant to be doing and
I thought you had a whole new
chapter of your life opening up.
(sputters)
I do and
it's it's just
I'm supposed to be meeting
young carers for my scholarship.
Well, that won't take long,
will it?
No, it's it's just mind space.
I I feel like maybe
the sensible thing to do
is call it a day.
I just need to focus
on myself for a bit
and as you said,
you're a no strings
kind of guy, so
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Good. All right then.
(Cheryl) Thank you.
Can I still come to your
Blackwell's book signing thing?
-Just as a fan?
-Do you mind if you don't?
I think I left, erm
my father's cufflinks
at your house.
Would it be okay if
you pop them in the post?
No problem.
-Can we get the cheque, please?
-Er, no.
No, no, no, I'll get it.
Erm, I insist.
(Cheryl) Thank you
for being such a gentleman.
(Cheryl) Come on, Goblin.
Come on, baby.
(tutting)
(cries)
(dramatic music)
The new nanny hasn't turned up.
And someone needs to collect Poppy.
But you can lake the Range Rover.
And if you could just get me
a teeny bit of cash. Fifty quid.
(smooches)
Love you forever.
Did you decide yet?
About my cape?
Oh. Yeah, well, erm
The team felt it was a bit
a bit quirky for the brief.
-Quirky?
-Yeah, you know.
A bit a bit zany.
A bit mad!
(chortles)
(chortling continues)
(quirky music)
(indistinct chatter)
(dog barking)
(barking continues)
(suspenseful music)
(Cheryl)
"The knight of Spires had to die
so that Arathdo might thrive.
But what of Doonathra's own life?
Who was she now?
Their champion of legend,
their long-awaited queen,
a little girl
who set out on adventure
with a heart full of hope.
There is nothing else left
for me to do,
she told the gathering shadows."
(Cheryl)
"There is one thing always,"
the shadows replied.
"Remember love."
(crowd applauding)
Right, then, er, any questions?
Why did you kill
the Knights of Spires?
He was the best one!
(suspenseful music continues)
(grunts)
-(sighs)
-# Can I touch you? #
# Can I touch you? #
# And do the things
That lovers do #
-(Rob) # Oh, ooh #
-# Oh, ooh #
-# Want to hold you #
-# Want to hold you #
-# I gotta get it through to you #
-# I gotta get it through to you #
-# Oh #
-# Oh #
-# Oh when the going gets tough #
-# Oh when the going gets tough #
-# The tough get going #
-# The tough get going #
-# When the going gets rough #
-# When the going gets rough #
(suspenseful music)
(whines)
-(screams)
-(car horn honking)
(Alice) Sorry!
Fuck!
(suspenseful music continues)
(shrieks)
(grunts)
(groans)
(ominous music)
(splashing)
(car engine starts)
Goblin?
Have you seen Goblin?
(tutting)
-(Cheryl) Goblin?
-(Regina) Goblin?
Goblin?
(suspenseful music)
Goblin?
(Regina) Has anyone seen
a little black dog?
Goblin?
Goblin!
Goblin!
Goblin!
(grunts)
(suspenseful music continues)
God!
Goblin!
(whimpers)
I knew it!
(echoes)
What?
("When the Going Gets Though"
by Billy Ocean plays)
# Yeah #
# Oh #