The Franchise (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCANNER BEEPING)
(SCANNER BEEPING)
(SCANNER BEEPING)
(INDISTINCT CLAMOR)
CREW MEMBER: (OVER MICROPHONE) Stand by.
DANIEL: All right,
background, listen up.
Fish People, find an eye
line to the second moon.
Moss Men, camera right of
the temple ruins. Thank you.
I'm sorry, I wasn't really listening.
So I'm I'm having
a bit of difficulty
Fish head, man legs, second moon.
Thank you. All right.
Daniel. Dag, the new third.
Oh, hey. Nice to meet you.
Where are we on lighting?
Also, talk to catering.
- No soup for the Fish People.
- (OBJECT THUDS)
Yeah, I don't want Quiet on set!
fluids on their scales.
- Adam, mate. How's your morning?
- Try this.
Turkey meat, Muscle Milk,
it's like Thanksgiving
dinner on steroids.
Wow, turkey on steroids. Gobble, gobble.
Mum. No, sorry, bye.
- Do me a favor. Go and smell Gary.
- Smell him?
- Gary, the boom guy.
- (OBJECT THUDS)
I need to know if he's Quiet on set!
drunk or high or both.
Dan, we have a Fish
Person in a panic spiral.
I'm sorry, I think I'm
having a panic attack.
- I think it must be the latex.
- (WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS)
Boz, how long 'til we
wrap the Fish People?
- BOZ: About an hour and a half.
- Twenty minutes.
Can you give me twenty
minutes, mate? Yeah, try this.
It's kiwi and passionfruit. All right.
So, I smelled Gary. I think weed.
Okay, great. High is good.
He can operate when he's high.
Can you interrupt me in six seconds?
Peter, good sir.
Oh, Dan, I've got a joke for you.
- Probably not okay but fuck it.
- Great, hit me.
So, a transsexual goes into a swamp
- Daniel, bit of an emergency.
- Hold that punchline.
Emergency, nurse! Good work.
Where are we on lighting?
Also, do not let Peter finish that joke.
(TRUCK BEEPING)
Holy fucking shit, the studio's on fire!
(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
- Okay, it's just some houses.
- (UPBEAT MUSIC RESUMES)
- DANIEL: We're back, everyone.
- (TRUCK BEEPING)
Please ignore the burning houses.
Daniel, I think Eric's concerned.
He's very white, even for a German.
- I'm concerned.
- DANIEL: That's concerning.
Daniel, I'm concerned.
My big waterfall scene, 16 set-ups.
- I don't think we'll get it.
- DANIEL: Eric, trust me.
- You have my word. We'll get it!
- Good.
(BELL RINGS)
Yeah, we're not gonna
get it. Absolutely no way.
Today's a fireball
and it'll kill us all.
Shane is online. He may have notes.
- Shane is online.
- Great. Excellent. Keep me looped.
- God, I love my life.
- Fish Man incoming.
- DANIEL: Outstanding.
- I just really want this off me!
Easy, easy. That's
four hours in the chair.
Look, I don't know if
you know the comics.
I do. It's the last
thing my dad read to me.
And, sir, I would switch
places with you in a heartbeat.
'Cause you're a Fish Man! Yeah?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
- Thank you.
- JAZ: Fish Man travelling.
- DAG: Oh my God, was that actually real?
Well, my dad is dead, but
he was more into sports.
- Where are we on lighting?
- Update from Shane. Shane has no notes.
Shane has no notes.
Great, well, thank you for
conveying his lack of input.
JAZ: Lighting is set, lighting is set.
Okay, we are set for
rehearsal, everyone.
We are rehearsing.
- CREW: Rehearsal!
- We set on camera?
- HORST: Set!
- Okay, let's bring up the wind.
- CREW: Bring up the wind!
- (FANS BLOWING)
Okay, we're good on atmos.
Go water.
CREW: Go water!
DANIEL: So, just another
83 days and then we're done.
Let's savor every moment.
(THROUGH MICROPHONE) Fish helmet!
And action!
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES)
ERIC: And finally, we come
to the heart of the matter.
Meeting of the elders. Eye. Tecto.
Magic hour, the sun has just set.
All dusky.
Everything's so fucking
dark these days, isn't it?
Restaurants. Mad.
ERIC: And the blue screen,
a thunderous waterfall.
Yes, love it, love it. How thunderous?
Can we show Adam the pre-vis?
- Yeah, looking up for the pre-vis.
- Looking up to the pre-vis, folks!
Yeah, yeah. Holy shit.
(LAUGHS)
Wow, that looks great.
(LAUGHING) Why am I
walking like that, though?
ERIC: Obviously, the walking is weird,
but the swagger is interesting.
- Mm-hmm.
- Swaggering, but anxious.
Okay.
- Like a panther
- Oh.
on its way to a job interview.
- Wh what?
- ERIC: Well, not that, but that.
Can you take me there?
In a walk.
I'm Tecto, bitch. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, that's last looks, everyone.
- Thank you.
- Last looks, folks. Thank you.
Heads up, we don't
really say "folks," yeah?
We're not line dancing.
Not to be a dick.
Thirty-two percent sleep efficiency.
- Oh.
- No wonder he's fussy.
Eric. I bought him a sleep ring.
Just to monitor his well-being.
Would love to get him horizontal.
- Very, very pro-nap.
- Why is that there?
STEPH: Sorry. Pat Shannon's coming.
Cheese and crackers.
ERIC: Okay, sure.
Not panicking. I'm
Just take five, everyone!
- PA: Take five!
- I am cold as ice.
Justin, it's me. Pat Shannon's here.
Repeat, repeat, repeat.
The Toy Man cometh.
- Do you want me to ask the boy?
- Negative.
Do not engage the boy.
The boy is not a boy.
Steph, I need you to wrangle
Eric back to his trailer.
Oh, I am angling for a wrangling.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Eric! The studio's
coming to see you today.
Pat Shannon's personally
coming to see you.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- So (SIGHS)
the day hath come,
when the suits shall
flutter down from the trees.
Thoughts towards a new ending, Steph?
Oh, Eric, gladly.
Why is he here?
He's apparently in town to
launch some new inflatables
at the European Toy Convention.
(SCOFFS) My God, the banality.
The money man. God's Rottweiler.
Some say he can't read. That's sad.
So, while Pat's in town,
how do we feel about
a little extra lighting?
Ah!
So you want me to do my
little dance for the Toy Man.
And you clap and spank
me and we all laugh.
Never. We'd never laugh or spank.
Look, I don't think
this, but we already know
the studio thinks the
movie's too dark, so
(SCOFFS)
They know what I am.
I'm a weird, difficult guy.
I look like this hipster chinos man
who goes to Muji to buy
a towel, but I'm not.
I'm strange and I'm serious.
I don't know how to
think like the kind of guy
who washes his car,
eats a chicken drumstick
with his wife, and then has a bath.
If that's what they want,
hire Ron Howard.
Church. And Eric, if the studio tries
to muck about with
your vision in any way,
I will cut my heart
out with a sushi knife.
(SIGHS)
- Won't we, guys?
- Absolutely, one hundred percent.
Sorry, this is literally
my first day, so
Call Justin. I want my producer
here to fight my corner.
Justin's cutting short
the Morocco scout.
He's coming straight back.
Look, Eric.
A little bit of extra lighting
will buy you the
relationship capital, yeah?
So then you can make the
movie you want to make,
but behind the movie
they think you're making.
All that stuff about the
planet, about fracking
I do want to say
something about fracking.
But there can be no more
light. There's no light source.
DANIEL: Mm.
Unless
there's a second sun.
Not sunset
but sunrise.
STEPH: Oh, bravo. He's done it again.
That's why you won the
Golden Leopard at Locarno.
You know, this is
really good stuff, Eric.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Suck his dick, Greta Gerwig.
DANIEL: Okay, we need to clean house
for the big visit, so smell Gary again.
If he still smells of weed,
speak to wardrobe, have him sprayed.
And make sure nobody
shows Pat around P stage.
What's on P stage?
About 60 live Yoshino cherry trees
we had imported from Kyoto
and then (CLICKS TONGUE)
cut from the script.
The waste!
You could build a children's hospital.
It's absolutely hilarious.
- Yeah. But what price dreams?
- (TIRES SCREECH)
- Instead of sunset
- Mm-hmm.
sunrise.
(GASPS) But here's the genius part.
Two suns.
Wow, double sunri Okay.
Thank you. Maestro.
Done it again.
Breast-fed Ted. Breast-fed Ted.
Please board the emergency vessel.
Bah! Bah! Bah!
- All right, fuck off.
- ADAM: Bah! Bah!
PETER: Okay, let's go now. (CLAPS)
DANIEL: All right, picture's
up. Let's roll sound
- and bring up that wind.
- OPERATOR: Rolling.
The genocidal jockey tip-toed
gently past the baby's coffin.
Okay, and
action.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
ADAM: (LOUDLY) The great Eye,
reduced to begging
before the Council of the Moss Men.
(LAUGHS) For a man with second sight
Sorry, why are you shouting?
- (MUSIC STOPS)
- Why is he shouting?
I'm not shouting. I'm
I'm raising my voice
because we're next to a waterfall,
- so I would be project
- ERIC: Okay, cut.
- DANIEL: All right, cut there.
- CREW: Cut there.
Why would we be having
a judicial meeting
next to a waterfall if we had to shout?
ADAM: That's just how
loud waterfalls are.
- Eric, how loud are waterfalls?
- ERIC: They're deafening.
Dan, can we play in the sound
of the thunderous waterfall from Fiji?
- No.
- Why not?
'Cause Milo said no. (SHOUTS) Milo!
No one told me.
If you need a guide,
you'll have to shout.
Waterfall!
They're like that loud.
Waterfall! Waterfall!
- Waterfall! Waterfall!
- Waterfall!
- BOTH: Waterfall! Waterfall!
- The Great Eye
- Waterfall! Waterfall!
- And that's the sound
of the water pounding on the rocks.
- Waterfall!
- Waterfall!
It's a fucking council meeting
to consider an extradition proceeding.
If it was loud, we'd be in an office.
But they they don't have offices,
because they're 80 percent moss.
And yet they have paperweights
for their paperwork.
I mean, we're not savages.
I'm sorry. Am I getting
input from the stuff
that grows on fucking rocks now?
Can this one go away, please?
I'm sorry, Peter. I
really am. I really am.
But I I just really
committed to the idea
- of raising my voice and, um
- Peter, how would you feel
about meeting Adam
halfway, volume-wise?
Well, I can't, actually,
because I've got polyps
on my vocal nodes, brought on by TMT.
Too Much Theatre. Sorry.
More like TMV. Too Much Vino.
So, I think the man is coming.
The studio man?
Wowzers.
He's a burly man, isn't
he? Big, hurly-burly man.
DANIEL: Eric, I think
tactical lighting break
while we welcome the studio.
Horst!
(IN GERMAN)
you'd like to do beforehand, or
Shitwit.
Cocktangle money fascist.
Fuck-clump cosmic anus
human hambone prick.
Such an imagination.
Granny fucker.
Not sure if you remember, I
was third AD on Thunderon
Eric Bouchard, The Unlikening.
What a movie. (CHUCKLES)
- Truly, not worthy.
- Oh my God. Wow. Thank you.
Hey, can I get a selfie, please?
My kids will kill me if I don't.
- Of course.
- Yeah? Thanks.
- (SHUTTER CLICKS)
- There it is. Thanks.
No, thank you, man, for
letting me play in your sandbox.
Steph, his right-leg woman.
I wish I could just crack open
your head and drink the juice.
Hand man, woman.
You know what? Let's go to crafty.
I have the need for feed. Come on.
(WHISPERS) What?
(NORMAL VOICE) Um, do you
mind dealing with all
- Yeah.
- DANIEL: Yeah.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Here it comes. Charge
of the Light Brigade.
Oh-ho, the second sun!
- Beautiful! Horst
- HORST: (IN GERMAN)
(IN GERMAN)
(LIGHT HUMS)
ADAM: Whoo!
Now that is a luxurious
cheese plate, huh?
Right-hand woman.
I do know the difference
between hands and legs.
So, Maestro.
Just to let you know,
professional courtesy,
there has been a genocide.
- Genocide?
- Yeah.
We needed a sweetener for Centurios 2.
We had a run of dry plot pellets
and we needed a little chutney
to get over that third act hump.
So we massacred the Fish People.
- Chutney?
- (PAT CLICKS TONGUE)
Visceral chutney.
Man, woman, child. Brutal,
devastating, badass.
The Fish People are in my movie.
Oh, sure.
- Or are they?
- (CHUCKLES) Right.
No, but they are.
Well, all I'm saying is they've
been slaughtered in the movie
sequentially prior to the
one you're making, so, hmm.
- ERIC: Shane knows?
- BRYSON: Shane knows everything.
Shane's super happy
with how it turned out.
Spectacular. I'm telling you,
it'll blow your eyeballs
out of your asshole.
Shane said the first cut
of the genocide sequence
made him giddy like a schoolgirl.
Shane loves what you're doing up here.
I do. Uh, we do.
He does.
In Shane we trust. Guy's never wrong.
We're blushing.
Sorry. I'm, uh, just
trying to recalibrate
- my sense of the universe.
- Oh, sure.
You take your time, sir.
I get it, everything's connected.
It's all just one big thing.
The Fish People are carrying
a lot of thematic luggage.
All right. (CLEARS THROAT) Look.
- ERIC: Napkin?
- PAT: Thanks.
Centurios 2 is our tentpole, all right?
Without our tentpole,
we don't have a tent.
And without a tent, we
get eaten in our sleep
- by 9-year-old TikTok kids
- (PHONE BUZZES)
with superhero fatigue.
Which is not a real illness and a scam.
(PHONE BUZZES)
Excuse me one second.
Yeah, you got 25 seconds.
Start talking or I'm hanging up.
ERIC: What the fuck just happened?
Tentpole? Then what the fuck are we?
We're a tentpole. We are.
Tents have many poles.
Where's Justin? Where's my producer?
I cannot think studio logic.
I'm not a left-brain guy.
Hey, you have two right
brains. Maybe more.
Justin is wheels-up
in Tangier, no later
- than oh-thirteen hundred.
- (SIGHS)
Now, how do we feel about a nap?
I don't want a nap, Stephanie!
I want my fucking Fish People!
Oh, and I want a parking
space and a craft nook.
We're all making compromises.
- Okay, call lunch.
- That's lunch, folks!
- Guys!
- Escort Pat to the taco truck.
Do not let him out of your sight.
No P stage. We all breathe.
God, this is so rewarding.
Anyone wanna
hang out for a sandwich and a chat or
No?
Okay.
So many Maximum movies.
And thank God. (CHUCKLES)
Toxic Man. Pretty sure I dated him.
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Crimson Splash. Could be a UTI.
Watch the film, see your doctor.
Uh-huh.
Uh, but, uh, just to make you aware,
very open to something
on the corporate side.
Current role, bad pay,
lots of standing up.
It's kind of like being a cow or a camel
if they were badly paid,
which I suppose, in a way, they are.
Excuse me a second. Could
you shut the fuck up?
Are you kidding?
My God, so happy to shut up.
Appreciate it. All
right, yeah, I'm back.
Centurios 2: Chrontinuum
Begins. Cannot wait. (CHUCKLES)
Ah, your chariot, sire!
(EXHALES)
What? What is it? Are we back on?
DAG: Pat's at the truck.
I just need to sit and eat.
I was up at three for the commute.
Three? That's a lie-in.
That's a cool pillow.
Sleep tech. Not meant to be cool.
What a day. No wonder
you all look so tired.
Today? This is nothing.
You should've been here the
day the rigging collapsed.
That was fun.
Not for everyone, sadly. But, nah.
Everything's exactly
- as it's meant to be.
- (PHONE CHIMES)
(GROANS) Hey Siri, read new messages.
SIRI: Lucas heard me crying again.
We need to talk to
him about the divorce.
I don't care if you're
busy with your shitty movie
for masturbating fucknerds.
Crying face emoji,
crying face emoji, crying face emoji.
Everything's exactly
as it's meant to be.
Do you know where the
production office is?
- Anita.
- Sorry, do I know you?
It's Daniel.
What are you, um
Uh, I'm firsting on Tecto.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Uh, well, I see you're sleeping, so
DANIEL: Um, so I, um
heard that you're producing now?
Oh, yeah, on the TV side of Maximum.
The League of Exceptional Jessicas.
Vulture, I think it was, called it, um,
"one of last month's top
seven promos dominating
the cultural conversation."
So (CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Right.
No idea. I've barely even heard of that.
Dag, do you You said you needed to
DAG: Oh, no, I'm good. Thanks, Dan.
Love your cape.
Thank you. Not all heroes wear them.
But just so I've got
it clear in my head,
how long are you in town?
(PHONE BUZZES)
Sorry, I have to take this.
Yes, I have an update for you.
(SIGHS)
God. You okay?
Brutal.
- What was?
- The way she just cut you dead.
'Cause what's the history
there? Did you two
This is not an appropriate
third AD interaction, yeah?
So, I need you to just
swap the battery out on that
and
- charge my vape. Thanks.
- (RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)
Peter can't see.
(PANTING)
Peter can't see.
Peter can't see!
- (WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES)
- Peter can't see.
Peter can't see.
- CATERER: Hot muffins at crafty.
- Get off channel two.
CATERER: Sorry, didn't catch that.
Hot muffins at crafty. Over.
Sorry, if we've been massacred,
- do we still get our per diem?
- Just talk to production.
That's a wrap on the
Fish People, everyone.
- Beautiful work.
- (CREW APPLAUDS)
- DANIEL: Is he in there?
- Come on, Daniel.
- He doesn't interrupt your naps.
- (BANGS ON DOOR)
- DANIEL: Eric!
- (DOOR OPENS)
Eric, Peter can't see.
What do you mean he can't see?
From his eyes. He
can't see from his eyes.
He has to be able to see. He's Eye.
He can't. He can't
see, because we left him
in front of the new
sunrise rig you asked for
- and we've sunburnt his eyes.
- Sunburnt?
With the lights, yeah.
We've burnt a man's eyes.
But he has second sight.
Yeah, but that's not a real
eye on his helmet, is it, Steph?
His real eyes are the
ones inside his face.
- Those are the ones we've burnt.
- Right. No, that is bad.
- (WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES)
- Peter wants a fucking word.
I didn't have time to edit that.
And is this a director thing?
Very much yes. Very, very yes.
Peter, sir,
- how are we feeling?
- It fucking hurts.
And I'm terribly and profoundly blind,
- but apart from that
- (CHUCKLES)
Your sarcasm is noted and appreciated.
Also, this man is my lawyer.
He'll be representing me for damages.
I'm encouraging him not
to comment at this time,
because English is
not his first language.
Tell me, Peter
are you familiar with
Herzog's The Burden of Dreams?
Eric, do not dress this up
as some noble sacrifice
at the altar of cinema.
- Look at me.
- Oh, Christ.
You flashbanged my eyeballs,
you spineless fuckhead.
- Can you hear me?
- I'm nodding.
I'm disagreeing, but I'm
respecting your point of view
- and I'm conveying that by nodding.
- (DOOR OPENS)
Guys? Guys, I think there's
something wrong with my eyes.
Oh, here he is. Yale Boy.
Never seen a bandwagon
he didn't want to jump on.
I I can't see properly.
If I look straight ahead,
it's it's all weird.
- (ALL GROAN)
- DAG: Holy shit.
PETER: What? What's he
saying? What'd he say?
His eyes are considerably
worse than yours.
- Okay
- What? No. Is it bad?
- Is it permanent?
- No, it's
it's temporary, okay?
It's sunburn, but for your eyes.
What? I have eye-burn?
What are you talking
about? They look fine.
No, they don't look
fine. Yours look fine.
Are you serious? You must be blind
- if you can't see these.
- I am.
My eyes look like the tip
of Ronald McDonald's dick.
Oh, now he's raising his
voice. I thought he had polyps.
Oh, what would you know
about fucking polyps?
ADAM: Oh, actually, I've
been running the numbers,
and we've done about the
same amount of theater, so
Oh. Oh, now I've heard it
all. You getting this, Victor?
You just perjured yourself, arsehole!
- (ARGUING CONTINUES)
- Pat's on set.
He's in his chair. He's
asking why we're not shooting.
Oh, Peter, you know what?
I truly respect you. I do.
Especially your work in the '80s.
Can't be that easy playing
that many races in one film.
- But fuck you.
- You really want to play
whose theater cock is bigger?
Because I'm packing an absolute rager.
- (LAUGHS FORCEDLY)
- ERIC: Guys, guys, guys.
The studio wanted more lighting.
Because the culture demands
a saturated aesthetic.
So in a way,
- the culture blinded you.
- Fuck off, Eric.
- Get fucked, Eric.
- ERIC: Sure.
Maybe just keep shooting, but
with bells around their necks,
- so they know where to look.
- The Toy Man is gonna find out.
He's like a shark, but for mistakes.
Someone needs to tell him.
- Hey, guys. Everything okay?
- Yeah, definitely.
Everything's completely amazing.
Cool. Well, Shane's doing his hot yoga,
so I've got a couple of moments
to eat my Namaste, sir.
I'll action that.
Uh, that's not actionable right now,
but consider it pre-actioned.
Okay, Pat doesn't know
who any of us are, okay?
Not really, but once we tell him,
we will always be the people
who burned the eyeballs
of a man called "Eye."
Justin's here at four,
so that's 40 minutes.
We stall Pat and then
we hide behind Justin.
We let him absorb the punishment.
- It's his fucking job.
- I wouldn't be uninterested in this.
DANIEL: So let's just shoot.
- Reshoot the master.
- Yeah.
Just eyes on the prize.
With apologies to all those
currently without eyes.
Bring in Adam and Peter's
stand-ins. I'm ten-one.
Update.
- (WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES)
- DAG: Ambulance is here.
Peter and Adam are
refusing to travel together.
Calling in a second ambulance. Over.
- (WALKIE-TALKIE CRACKLES)
- (SIGHS DEEPLY)
Nice merch.
Oh, hello.
PAT: Thunderon, sound of rumble.
Where it all began.
Yeah, I had the hoodie as well,
which is pretty collectable now,
- but my mum threw it away.
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
Your mom's a very stupid lady.
Yeah, she she's
actually not very well.
And? (SCOFFS)
Why aren't we shooting, son?
- Lighting.
- Ah.
- You know how it goes.
- Yeah.
My God, of course you know.
You're the Pat Shannon.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I know what you really think of me.
Come on.
I'm the thumb-head guy
who botched his high five
with Shane at Comic-Con 2017.
Yeah.
Well let me tell you who I am.
'Cause there's above the line,
you know, the actors, the talent.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
"Ooh, I'm the talent.
I'm so talented. Look
at me. Ooh!" (CHUCKLES)
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Then there's
below the line, the grunts.
(IN DEEP VOICE) "Ooh, I'm a grip.
I made a camera dolly."
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, whoop-di-shit.
- But you know who I am, son?
- (ZIPPER CLOSES)
I am the fucking line.
I'm the one constant force
in this entire universe,
and I'm totally invisible.
I'm also a grown-up.
I'm here to help you.
I know about P stage.
The overspend.
I also know you're 12 days over.
What else do I need to know?
- (DOOR OPENS)
- JUSTIN: Shannon the Cannon.
- What's up, my man?
- Oh, Justin.
Mr. Producer.
Are you throwing my money
around like it's five years ago?
- (EXHALES)
- Shall we?
Yeah, come on, let's take a walk.
Relax.
I'll tell him to get fucked.
- Justin's here.
- Oh, hooray.
He's telling Pat to get fucked.
I think we should be fine.
Ah! Here he is.
STEPH: Daddy's home. The rage sponge!
- ERIC: The human ozone.
- Hey, guys. (SIGHS)
So, uh, I just told Pat to get fucked.
And I got fired.
Sorry.
What does this mean?
It means I don't have a job.
No, sure, but for me?
Turning tides, I guess.
They've brought in a new producer.
Holy moly.
- (PHONE BUZZES)
- My God. HR. Already.
Hi, Shelly.
But you can't fire the ozone layer.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Daniel.
They're taking my producer.
Dialing Shane.
- He's keen to join in.
- STEPH: My God.
Pat is just a stone-cold fuck.
BRYSON: We're all here.
I am entering the tent.
The sound you're about
to hear is a zipper.
(ZIPPING)
Fuck.
Okay, Moss Men, camera
right of the plinth!
Mo-Cap Men, kindly replacing
our Fish People, RIP.
Eyeline to the second sun!
- Mo-Cap Man incoming.
- DANIEL: Great, excellent.
FRANK: I'm sorry, this
just isn't very breathable.
Peaches and cream. Break a leg.
We must shoot, we will shoot!
(MUSIC FADES)
DANIEL: Big stunt tomorrow.
Got the actors up on wires.
High stakes.
- Literal high stakes.
- DAG: Yep.
Also, tell studio facilities
to get those pigeons off C stage.
The cooing's gonna kill us.
Got it. Banish the pigeons.
Now you get to go home
for approximately 430 mins.
(SIGHS)
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
Can I just ask?
Why?
Full disclosure, just not great vibes.
So, this guy Curly works
in the circus for 30 years,
following the elephants
around with a big bucket,
scooping up all the elephant shit
and at the end of every
night he has to burn it all.
So he goes home reeking
of burnt elephant shit.
And one day his brother
comes to him and says, "Curly,
great news, I've got
you a job at my office.
Decent salary, you can
work regular hours."
(CHUCKLES) Curly goes,
"What?
And quit show business?"
(CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)
- (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Absolute classic.
See you tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: Peter, can you describe
the plot of the movie in ten words?
I'm just gonna talk and you
can use whatever you want.
Now, you asked me about
coming up in theater.
Different world now.
Actors, the craft, this whole thing now,
"You can't play this
if you're not that."
I can see my PR team,
you know, turning white, but fuck it.
INTERVIEWER: Can you
describe the plot of Tecto?
It's a story about
this guy, me, uh, Tecto.
I am, um (CLICKS TONGUE)
the earthquake guy.
Do-do-do-do. That, uh,
he goes through the
on a voyage through space
with to find this guy, Peter,
who plays Eye, as
Eye as in eye, not I.
He doesn't play me.
I'm 'Cause I'm me.
I'm T I'm Tecto.
Have you ever seen Sweet
and Sour? Buddy movie.
Eddie Murphy. I play the Chinaman.
My agent calls me, "Peter,
Eddie would like to meet you."
I get to Eddie's place.
Do you know what he has
in the foyer of his house?
A 24-hour international
buffet. I shit you not.
I'm talking a cruise
ship quality buffet.
All the food you could want.
Wanton soup, Thai green
curry, and obviously,
he's got the heat lamps
to keep it all warm.
INTERVIEWER: What's your role?
Uh, I'm first AD. First
assistant director.
It's my job to keep the
actors from, uh, killing
uh, each other or themselves.
And also, I work with the director,
sort of assisting his vision. Uh
Well, I'm I'm, uh, I'm everything.
I I I'm Everything Man.
The world's most thankless
superhero. (CHUCKLES)
It was one of the
great meals of my life.
Chili crab cakes, chicken
korma, chocolate fountain.
Obviously, I went back in for
seconds, because you could.
It was buffet style.
No one was counting.
Shame about the movie.
People say I was very good in it,
but who knows?
(MUSIC FADES)