The GOAT (2024) s01e01 Episode Script
Let the GOAT Games Begin
1
Over the course of human history,
there have been many great achievements.
Fire, the automobile, laser hair removal.
That was a good one.
But nothing has impacted our lives
like our greatest achievement of all,
reality television,
or as I like to call it,
documentaries for dumb people.
With shows like The Real World, Survivor,
American Idol, Bachelor,
reality television has transformed
the landscape of popular culture forever.
But until today, nobody has dared
to find out who is the actual best
at just being on a reality show.
We have scoured the Earth for the 14
greatest reality contestants
that were available
during our production window.
Each episode, our contestants
will face new challenges
inspired by your favorite
reality shows
-Come on!
-[klaxon blares]
[indistinct yelling]
for a chance to win $200 million.
[producer] Thousand, not million.
Two-hundred thousand dollars.
The stakes are high,
if you take shows like this seriously.
But only one can earn the made-up title
of the GOAT of GOATS.
The greatest reality TV star of all time.
[bleating]
[upbeat music playing]
Crazy.
That's cute and kind of weird
at the same time.
My name is Lauren Speed-Hamilton.
I'm a reality star
and I'm here to be the GOAT, baby.
Most people know me from the show,
Love is Blind
where I fell in love
with my husband Cameron.
I didn't even see my husband
and I fell in love.
How many people have done that?
Well, now it's more seasons,
but you get what I'm saying.
Hello? This is a big-ass house.
Wow!
Wow, this is, like, my dream kitchen.
Walking into this house, I'm absolutely
expecting big personalities.
The competitive in me wants to win.
But if I don't win, will I cry?
I mean, then you cut to me crying,
probably. [chuckles]
Yes, I've arrived.
[bleating]
-[Lauren] Hi!
-Hi, surprise.
-You are gorgeous.
-You're gorgeous, I'm Lauren,
-are you a hugger? Okay.
-I'm a hugger.
I'm Jill Zarin from
The Real Housewives of New York City.
Excuse me,
don't you ever talk to me like that
-Jill Zarin.
with that tone of voice.
-Jill
-Leave then.
I think I have a reputation
for being right a lot.
And the truth is, I am always right.
I still have relationships
with a lot of the Housewives
but I'm excited to be here because I'm
gonna meet a whole new group of people.
What?
-Oh, my gosh.
-[Lauren] Hi!
-[Jill] Reza!
-Oh, my God!
[Jill] No way.
-You have no idea how happy I am.
-Are you okay?
I'm friends with Reza but you have to
watch out the ones that come in
and we know are a threat.
He's going to want to cut me,
I'm going to want to cut him.
-How you doing?
-[Jill] Coming in hot.
-What's up?
-[Jill] Teck, I know he's dangerous
because he's been on The Challenge.
-[Lauren] Hi!
-Hello.
[Jill] Then you've got, like, Paola.
-[Lauren] Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, too.
I mean, honestly, 90 Day Fiancée
is my personal favorite show.
Another young, hot blonde.
Okay. All right, look at this.
My name is Joey Sasso,
Most people probably know me
from winning The Circle on Netflix.
[woman] One-hundred thousand dollars!
[yells] What's up, boss?
-[all laughing]
-[Joey] What?
-What's up?
-Oh, my God!
The first person I see
is my friend Lauren.
That is my girl,
we were both on Netflix shows.
And it made me so happy right off the jump
to have a friend who's in the house
that I know I can trust.
-[Reza] Hey
-[all] Hi.
My name is Kristen Doute.
If anybody in the House thinks that they
actually know me from Vanderpump Rules,
then they have another thing
coming to them.
-I cheated on you. I did.
-Two in one weekend.
-Oh, my God, Reza.
-What's up, Kristen Doute?
[chuckles]
When you see another person from Bravo,
you're like, "ha-ha,"
because we know what we've been through
to get up in there, you know?
[Joey] Who is it?
What's up, bro?
-[Joey] Bachelor.
-[Jill] Bachelor.
I'm Joe, you may know me
as Grocery-Store Joe
from The Bachelorette,
Bachelor in Paradise.
Are you nervous?
I think I am, yeah, maybe,
maybe a little bit.
It is great to be back on reality TV.
It makes me who I am as a person.
Plus, it's all I can do,
so this is my full-time job.
[woman] Oh, my gosh, we got someone new.
My name's CJ Franco.
I did a show called FBoy Island.
That's just the bottom of the barrel.
It's only up from here. I hope.
-[Joey] Did you find love?
-On FBoy Island?
-Yeah. Why not?
-[CJ] I did not.
I think what's gonna make me successful
is that people underestimate me.
When you put in 10% all the time,
people are like, "Oh, that's just so cute,
she's at 10%."
And then, boom, 45%. Right there.
-Hello!
-What's up?
[Lauren] Hey!
It is me, Da'Vonne Rogers,
you know this face,
you know this voice for sure, okay?
Of course, you know me,
from Big Brother and The Challenge.
-Thank you, Da'Vonne
-Of course.
for changing my life
and my family's life.
Please cast your vote to evict.
I vote to evict Da'Vonne.
[Da'Vonne] We made an agreement,
come to find out, you know,
she was gunning for me.
I was trying to be everybody's friend.
I ain't doing none of that.
Hi, beautiful, how you doing?
Nice to meet you.
I don't need no alliance right now.
We don't even need to talk about the game.
Where you from? What was your
childhood like? Do I care? Not really.
We're coming in cutthroat this time.
-[woman] Hello!
-Hi!
Well, lord, honey,
children, how are y'all?
I'm Jason Smith and most people know me
from Best Baker in America.
I'm the epitome of a Southerner
and a really old grandmother
all rolled up into one.
We gotta make sure
Jason stays in this house
-so we eat good the entire time.
-[Jason] That's right,
I can put the biscuits and the gravy
on the table.
-Whiplash.
-[Da'Vonne] My type of person.
-Knock, knock.
-What's up, brother?
[Joey] What up, dude?
I'm Wendell Holland
and you probably know me from winning
Survivor, season 36: Ghost Island.
-Wendell.
-[audience applauding]
What show are you from?
-I'm from Survivor, guys.
-[bell dings]
I've always been like, very athletic,
did very well in college,
did very well in law school,
got on this dream show of mine, Survivor,
and I've won it.
It wasn't easy, but I won it.
So I think I'm one of the greats
because I have it right here.
I have it in me.
You won a million dollars?
Yes. Big target on this guy now.
Hey, there. Tayshia!
My name is Tayshia Adams
I am from The Bachelor,
Bachelor in Paradise
and from The Bachelorette.
Marry me.
Yes.
I found love.
Unfortunately, it didn't pan out.
No! Yes, of course I am.
[sighs]
-[indistinct]
-[all laughing]
[Joey] So nice to meet you.
[Tayshia] I feel like I am right back
in Bachelor mansion
except for that I'm not dating 20 guys.
I haven't done this in so long,
this is so weird.
-[producer] No, you're doing
-I'm actually starting to get hot.
Oh, my God, I'm getting PTSD.
-Hi, Da'Vonne, nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
-What the
-[laughing]
[Tayshia] You're kidding me, right?
Tayshia and I are friends.
I had no idea she was coming here.
I just started shaking, are you kidding?
We've been in the Bachelor franchise
three or four years.
She's definitely someone
that I'll work with for sure.
-Look, I was good, and now
-S'up.
[Joey] Oh, man.
-[Joey] We got one mas.
-[woman] One more.
-[Joey] We got one more.
-[Kristen] One more.
Definitely gotta be a guy, right?
-Or it may not be.
-[Joey] Or it might not be.
[all] Yeah!
My name is Justin Johnson,
also known as the Grand Dame Diva herself,
Alyssa Edwards.
Now, some of you might know me
from RuPaul's Drag Race
Look at me.
My life has always been
a reality television program.
So wait, there's one more
Who's hosting this thing?
[all clamoring]
Hey! Oh, my God!
My God! Welcome to GOAT Manor.
I'm your host, comedian Daniel Tosh.
[producer] No, Tosh, we told you.
You don't need to do an interview.
As a fan of reality TV,
I'm extremely excited
to go on this journey with you.
Dude, Tosh.0 is the
Very nice of you.
We interrupt our normal hysterical show
with a Tosh.0 exclusive.
I've done the first 40 years
of my life skinny.
I wanna do the last 40 years
yoked as shit.
There you up,
squeeze the bicep at the top.
Fuck this.
That show is canceled.
[CJ] We have Tosh as the host.
Okay, first of all, I am such a fan.
I was on hold for, like, being a model
on one of his projects
for, like, two weeks
and they never used me.
All right, you might be asking,
why am I here?
And that's simple.
Reality shows always have
White men hosting,
and I want to renovate my house
on Lake Tahoe.
-[applauding]
-They say never meet your heroes,
so, uh, Grocery Store Joe,
don't let me down.
[all laughing]
Take a look around.
The GOAT will be a celebration
of all reality shows
that you and countless others
have been on.
Each episode,
you will compete in challenges
and someone will be voted out.
At the end of this series,
one of you will be crowned
the greatest reality TV star of all time,
and win $200,000.
Whoa!
That is life-changing money
if you only have four months to live.
[all laughing]
This episode is all about
survival competition shows,
and today you'll be braving the elements
in the backyard of this mansion.
[Wendell] I was on Survivor.
I'm very at home in this element,
so going into it, I feel confident.
I got this.
Any questions?
Great! Go check out your new home,
and meet me out front
for your first GOAT challenge.
We're only five minutes
into this first episode
and I'm already sick
of saying the word "Goat."
Are we stuck on that name?
-Want me to workshop it or anything?
-[bleating]
Which way is out front?
I'm new to GOAT Manor.
-[woman] Okay!
-Okay, let's go!
[indistinct chatter]
[woman] Okay go find my shit.
Teck, do not give Joe any red wine.
He'll be snoring all night.
[bleating]
[all] Yeah!
[Jason] I see coconuts, I see wood planks
sticking out of the ground.
Honey, I'm excited to see
what we're going to have to do.
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
Ah!
It's hotter than two skunks
kissing in a corn patch out here.
Tosh is standing here
in nothing but a loincloth.
You need to put some clothes on
or we're gonna have to give you a suntan
or something, honey,
'cause you're blinding every one of us.
Hello, herd!
Ah!
Everybody told me it was
going to be hot here at GOAT Manor.
Turns out it's lukewarm [chuckles]
You're telling me
this what Jeff Probst wears.
Welcome to your first GOAT challenge.
This episode is a celebration
of survival competition shows.
On go, each of you will stand on a post
with one foot.
You'll also have to balance a coconut
on a disk
that's at the end of a pole.
If you don't understand, I don't care.
We're all learning, we're trying to grow.
I'm trying to evolve.
That's why I'm here in this confessional,
even though you guys keep telling me
not to come in here.
The last contestant standing
while balancing their coconut
will win immunity,
which means that person
gets to treat the rest of you like ass.
[Da'Vonne] Immunity is huge
because any given Sunday, Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
these people can wake up
and decide, "We got to get her out."
Grab a nut and hop on a stump.
[Tosh] Guys, play nice, play nice.
[Jill] You guys are animals.
-Got it?
-Thanks very much, Jill, I appreciate it.
-Yeah.
-You guys are brutal.
All right, take your positions.
-Ready, set, goat.
-[bleating]
Whoa!
Teck down.
[Teck] I choked, mm-hm.
I've been in the game about 23 years
doing reality television
but honestly haven't had to work
since 1999.
I haven't had to flip no burgers
and I haven't had to lift my legs
and sell my ass
so I feel #blessed.
[Wendell] I won Survivor a few years ago.
I'm kind of athletic,
I'm kind of getting a dad bod right now
Whatever, but
Like, I'm pretty good at things.
But just not the best, you know?
Just not the best.
Me and my girlfriend have a baby
on the way,
so I'm trying to go my absolute hardest.
Give me that money.
[Reza] Oh
[Jill] I do Pilates.
I have a lot more core strength
than some of the people in this house.
I have to hold in my ass
and my stomach
That's the game.
Oh! I'm out.
[Tosh] Oh, shoot. Down
I don't even know
what I'm supposed to comment on.
Reza's bandanna's Gucci.
I have an uneven ass cheek and it hurts,
but I'm attempting to do it.
Okay, okay Joey, did you skip leg day?
Bro, I skipped leg day.
My left ass cheek is bigger
than my right one,
it makes life complicated
It's a whole thing.
-Yikes!
-Pao down.
[Tosh] Joe! Oh, shoot.
I'm doing my kegels,
everything is tight.
All of my attention's really on balancing.
I am in my zone, I am focused,
I'm standing with one foot,
I am good at this, I'm a flamingo.
[Tosh] Down.
I forgot I had a coconut.
May you also find balance in your life.
[Lauren] Like, everybody's just dropping
and I'm like,
flashing back to ballet. Like, you know,
graceful shoulders back,
you know, focus.
Statue of Liberty holding this coconut.
-[Tosh] Oh, shoot.
-[all] Oh
[Tosh] Lauren, you're fine.
Wendell's smile's keeping it up.
As I'm hearing people dropping like flies,
I'm, like, being from Survivor,
I know I came in with a target on me.
So strategically,
I don't want to play too hard too early.
[Tosh] Wendell, hold on.
Those are nice shoes
Oh, no, Wendell's gone.
-Wendell
-Yeah I did win Survivor.
I don't think I saw this coming.
Tayshia and Justin
are the final two standing.
Justin, you're carrying the weight
of two people.
[laughing]
I'm completely laser point focused
and I'm going to let people know
that I am here to compete.
I am a strong player,
I am coming for that GOAT title.
-[Tosh] This is amazing.
-Beast!
[Reza] To be honest, I was shocked.
Justin's a thug,
he could've probably texted someone
ordered a pizza and, like,
he's gonna be here for a minute.
Tayshia's just in her own world.
[Kristen] She's got abs of steel!
[Tayshia] I'm not concerned
about anything,
The Bachelor is a Hunger Games.
I've done the worst,
like, this is a walk in the park.
This is me and a coconut.
I'm just trying not to think
about my foot currently cramping.
[woman] Damn it!
[Justin] Come on, Tayshia, fall already.
Give it up, Tayshia.
-I could do this all night.
-Uh-oh.
[all] Hey.
Hold on Shit, I've been known
to stay up all night, here we go.
I'm standing here watching Tayshia.
And Justin. And Tayshia.
And Justin. And Tayshia.
Justin. Tayshia.
Justin. Tayshia. Justin.
And you're just going back and forth
and you're going who's going to break?
[Joey] Justin starts wobbling,
the coconut's
Oh, but then, Justin settles.
He settles in. He's good.
Tayshia starts to wobble a little bit.
Swear to God, if I had cash on me,
I would have start betting.
I would've told everyone,
"Throw your money down."
[Joey yelling]
Ten-inch heels or this, Justin,
what's harder?
Hang on, Tayshia, hang on.
[dramatic music playing]
-[bleating]
-[slurping]
[horn sounds]
[all cheering]
[Joey] Oh, God. Oh, God.
That was incredible.
I won! I'm so happy!
[Joey] That was amazing.
I'm very proud of myself.
I was a lovely runner-up.
[Tosh] Tayshia, congratulations.
[applauding]
You are the first GOAT,
which means you are safe from elimination.
Thank God!
[Tosh] Tomorrow's elimination challenge
is a team event.
Only the losing team
will be up for elimination.
Tayshia, you will be choosing the teams.
Okay.
Being a GOAT,
like, I'm very proud of myself,
but I'm also now like
I could make a big mistake tomorrow
in choosing my team.
It's kind of like a tricky situation
to be in.
Tayshia, get to know
the people in the house tonight
and decide who you want on your team.
Now, everybody head back into GOAT Manor!
Whoo!
Make alliances, talk trash,
figure out which bathroom
is going to be used for poop.
Ooh, here's a sexy day-to-nighttime lapse.
-How we doing?
-[Reza] I'm great,
I'm just saying hi to you guys?
I didn't mean to interrupt.
So who do you feel like
you clicked the most with?
I definitely click with you.
I definitely click with Jill.
Those are the ones
I'm going to put a stamp in.
Just as soon as I met you today,
I was like,
"I've known this girl
somewhere in another lifetime."
-Ooh, that makes me feel so happy.
-[Jason] So
I'm so happy that you have a man
in your life and that you're happy
-and you're in a good place.
-Thank you.
'Cause Kristen not in a good place
is not happy.
No, Kristen in a not good place
is fucking miserable.
Hello, James Kennedy.
When she was dating James
[Jill] You dated James?
-I must have missed that season.
-That's the story, I'll tell you
-He was very disrespectful to her.
-later on.
-She was living with Tom Sandoval.
-You came to the show with Tom, right?
Tom Sandoval and I dated
for almost six years.
-You came to the show as his girlfriend
-You guys were living together.
and then you broke up on the show.
-Correct, then he started dating Ariana.
-Then you started
Oh! And then you started dating
James Kennedy?
You guys are like the
The nicest people in the house.
I think everyone's very cool.
The first thing that came to my mind
is who do I feel
like I could really trust here?
-I've known you for so long.
-Yeah.
So I want to partner up
with you and with you
because I've got nothing
but great vibes from you
-all day long.
-Ohh.
Let's be honest,
this is none of our first shows.
We're still learning this game
but I know I need an alliance,
so I'm gonna spend tonight
figuring out who I can trust.
I can promise you if I'm in a position
of power in any way,
-I'd have both of you guys' backs.
-[Lauren] Mm-hm.
Well, I have been invited
to a lot of alliances at this point.
Okay.
No, I'm kidding, it's my first.
[all laughing]
[CJ] I didn't even know
I was supposed to be making an alliance.
Thank God someone brought me in because
I would have just been lost in the sauce.
-I know my loyalty is here first.
-Mm.
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, y'all, there's
something about Tayshia I don't trust.
-[Joey] Really?
-[Lauren] As a competitor,
-I feel like she's very strategic.
-Yup.
I feel like she's smart. I'm watching her.
All right. Let's make this quick.
-Quick as hell.
-Because
we shouldn't have
to talk to each other a lot.
Exactly.
[Da'Vonne] Wendell,
who was a Survivor winner,
his Survivor smarts,
and my smarts over here
with the shows that I've been on,
he's the perfect ally
for me to have at this moment.
I'm with you, whatever you want to do,
-as far as you wanna go.
-Okay.
He wants to win, just like I want to win.
At the end of the day,
I came here to play for my kid.
Everything I do is for my daughter.
Every step I take, every move I make,
everything. It's all for her.
If it comes down to it,
I can get your name shifted
I have no choice but to fight.
So as long as his game
does not collide with mine,
then we can be Batman and Catwoman
all the way to the end. [chuckles]
We need to
We need to take care of each other.
[Reza] You guys feel like family to me,
-so I think we should have
-[Jill] The secret alliance.
-Can we just call it the Bravo Alliance?
-Yes,
-we can do whatever you want.
-Thank you.
Do you feel good being the GOAT?
I mean, yeah, but it's also, like
-Kind of a target on your head?
-Yeah.
What's your plan for a team?
I don't know
what the hell the challenge is,
so it's going to be really hard
to kind of like
pick who I'm going to be with.
[Tayshia] I'm the GOAT
-[bleating]
-rightfully so, thank you very much.
However, I'm stressed.
I'm not sure
what I'm going to do with teams yet.
Everyone thinks I kind of
have it all figured out. I don't.
What about the competitions?
Are you nervous?
I'm not really worried about that,
I'm more worried about, like,
disgusting, like
Like, stick your hand in goat shit,
or milk a cow,
like, I've never milked a cow.
Like, milk a cow
Are you scared to grab the udders?
Yeah, like, it's, like, penis.
I don't want to grab that!
Are you kidding me. Jerk it off.
That's so weird.
Joe!
-You're the weirdest
-Like, go, go for it.
[Tayshia] That's coming though.
Like gross things like that.
[Joe] Oh, no.
[dramatic music playing]
Oh, my God, a pirate.
What is going on?
[Justin] Oh, my God!
[Joey] Tosh looks
absolutely insane right now.
I don't know what he's thinking
but I respect the man's commitment
to the bit.
[Tosh] Oh, my goodness.
Are you ready
for your first elimination challenge?
-[all] Yeah!
-All right.
This week's all about survival shows,
so we're going to test your ability
to work as a team,
swim for your life,
and survive whatever catering
is serving for lunch.
Tayshia, you are the current GOAT.
I'm told I'm an otter,
but that's for a different time.
Tayshia, as the GOAT,
you get to select your team
and a reminder,
the losing team is up for elimination.
-No pressure.
-No pressure.
Tayshia, choose wisely or don't,
because honestly, you have immunity.
I feel stressed right now, okay?
This is not easy.
It's not easy being the GOAT, okay?
Tayshia, who is your first pick?
I love you all, okay?
That's not true.
You're falling in love with them,
-that's what you say first.
-Oh, my God, it's the wrong show!
Okay, Justin.
Whoo!
-[Tayshia] Teck.
-What? Oh
-Day. CJ.
-[applauding]
-Joe.
-[Tosh] Joe!
All right, last pick.
Reza.
-[Tosh] Reza. Oh!
-[applauding]
Okay, great, we have our teams.
[Tayshia] Strategy-wise, I don't wanna put
all of the strongest players on one team.
What I decided to do was mix the team
with some of, like, weak links
and the strong players.
I want to make sure I still have,
like, good connections with everybody
and everyone still trusts me.
[Tosh] All right. Here's how it goes.
You will have 20 minutes to build a boat.
Once the boat is built,
three of your players
will take it across the pool.
Half of your bodies must fit on the boat.
When you get to the other side,
you're going to grab the keys,
back to your boat, across the pool again,
then hand it to the team member
waiting to unlock the treasure chest
and get the booty.
The team who gets the booty first is safe.
Let's do it!
I'm a little anxious.
I'm not really a water person.
I've had pools for probably 20 years,
I spend an enormous amount of money
heating them, cleaning them,
and I don't swim.
We should get the keys' run it back
Y'all can run fast too, right?
Run it back, give it to me.
-So us three, we're in the pool?
-Yeah.
Their team Their team is very short.
-This is long.
-We're good in the pool.
[Lauren] So who's in the water?
-[indistinct chatter]
-[Lauren] I'm building.
-I'm good with puzzles, I'll see the key.
-[Wendell] You do the key.
The rest takes over building.
-Let's do this.
-We got this!
We've got this!
Lot of talk. Lot of talk.
-Ready, set, goat!
-Yes.
[bleating]
[indistinct chatter]
[Joey] Okay, let's go.
We pry this sack open
for all the materials for the boat
and I see
a whole bunch of bullshit in there.
There's some PVC pipe,
there's some, like, little
boogie-board-looking type of things,
there's some plywood,
but there ain't no hammer or no nails,
so I don't know
what the plywood's doing in there.
Oh, my God.
[Wendell] All right, guys. I need Joey
you're going to tie this together.
Crazy knot here.
One, two, three.
You're gonna be working here.
We're all gonna be working
in front of him right here.
-[Tayshia] Got it.
-Okay?
They're going to look at the Survivor guy
who built stuff and be like, "All right,
maybe we should do what he's doing."
So we decided we would make a small raft,
small enough for the three of us
to fit on it,
and hope they build something
big and slow, like our decoy.
[Justin] Look how they're doing it.
Look how they're doing it.
-[blowing]
-[CJ] Look. Look at them.
Ten minutes left.
[Justin] Look what they're doing, Rez,
over here, look how light their boat is.
[Reza] There's no way
this is going to stay together.
That's the shortest one,
these are the longest ones.
What do you guys weigh though,
just out of curiosity?
-[CJ] Hundred-and-twelve.
-One-twelve, nice.
-Joe, what do you weigh?
-Hundred-and-ninety.
-One-ninety? Oh.
-Yeah.
That's good, that's
-Teck, what do you weigh?
-[Teck] One fifty-five.
-[Tosh] Wh What?
-One fifty-five.
Goddamn, I feel like a fat fuck.
-Well, she made a statement, didn't she?
-[Da'Vonne] What?
She took who she wants out and put them
with whoever she thought was weak.
-Girl.
-Am I blind
-Nope.
-or am I very sane?
-Very sane.
-And she thinks I'm weak.
-She really hurt my feelings.
-Wow.
I am such a Housewife fan
but I don't want to seem like a groupie
when I first came into the house.
"I know who you are, girl!"
But I ain't gonna let you know that,
like, you will never know I'm a fan
until you watch this, okay?
Five minutes left.
[Justin] Listen, let Reza do this,
he said he could do this.
This is your job, do it, Reza.
[Reza] Where's the scissors?
-[Justin] Just let Reza do it.
-Where are the scissors, you guys?
[Reza] I'm here to redeem my ass.
Getting sent home first from The Traitors
when you've had nine seasons
of your own show
and you were the star
of that motherfucker.
Just say sorry.
-Everyone sees you up
-Sorry for what?
For being such a disgusting person.
Grow the up
and apologize to everybody.
-[Paola] Should I do this?
-Yeah, blow up the floaties.
Yeah.
What is this shit?
There, that's better.
Ah, fuck. This is
[Paola] I feel like,
even if we win or lose,
we'll be fine, I don't feel like
I'm leaving. Hopefully, I I don't.
[blowing]
I don't want to see my name in there.
Maybe they are not going to know
how to spell it, so that's gonna help me.
Hopefully, that will be on my favor.
Fuck, it's not working.
Five, four, three, two, one,
-zero.
-[buzzer sounds]
Good job, everyone.
-Good job.
-[Reza] Nice job.
[Wendell] That's it, we got a boat.
-We got a boat. We got a boat.
-We got it.
[Tosh] All right, time's up, everybody
bring your rafts to the starting line.
You guys got this. You guys got this.
Ohh!
The orange team has made a decoy.
[Reza] Are you kidding me?
Of all the trickery, fuckery and slickery.
[Tosh] Look at how tiny that boat is.
Oh, man, oh, man,
oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
Hello! Hello!
Any human being would understand
that the float, boat, raft, canoe,
whatever the fuck was that they made,
would not hold 50% of any being.
That raft was for infants and
-Remember, guys, let's hold it up.
-Get in.
-Ready, set, go!
-[klaxon sounds]
[teammates whooping and cheering]
[Paola] Yeah, let's go,
let's go, let's go.
[Kristen] Coming from Vanderpump Rules,
a show that is nothing like this one,
I'm just trying to prove
that I can do it.
I barely ate lunch because I didn't want
to weigh the team down. [chuckles]
[teammates cheering]
Get the keys. Get them. Go!
-Go!
-Go!
[triumphant music playing]
[slowed down] This is exciting!
[slowed down dialogue]
What!
[slowed down dialogue]
[bleating]
[normal voice] All the way to the edge.
[Da'Vonne] Y'all keep going.
Come on, come on, come in here.
Okay!
[Da'Vonne] Come on!
[Wendell] Go to the next one.
It won't fit.
[Teck] Go, Da. Go, Da.
This is where it becomes a challenge.
Da, you've got a real shot here.
[dramatic music playing]
[Tayshia] You got this, Day,
you got this, Day.
[Tosh] Oh, no!
[cheering and whooping]
[Tosh] Yeah! Orange team, orange team.
Orange team, orange team,
orange team, we did it.
[Reza] This is bull
-They said 50% of two people's bodies
-I agree with you.
Reza] needed to be on the raft.
Why weren't they disqualified?
Their raft doesn't hold 50% of shit.
[Tosh] Uh, okay, hey, guys.
[laughs nervously]
I'm being forced to read this
against my will.
-The producers have carefully
-Hell yeah.
-reviewed the footage
-Hell yeah.
and come to a decision
that the orange team
has been disqualified.
And the purple team
is safe from elimination.
-[cheering]
-[Teck] You called it!
[Teck] Good job, guys, good job. Good job.
Good job, good job, good job.
I feel bad because
we wanted the decoy raft
to be good enough that if we got
in trouble for building two rafts,
that will work.
I hope I don't make
too many people mad at me.
Guys, I apologize
for thinking of that raft.
-No.
-It wasn't your fault.
Like, I apologize
for thinking of that raft.
You should feel excellent
because it was an excellent idea,
you outsmarted the system.
Honestly, Wendell did a great job
when it comes down to it.
He had a great idea
that seemed like it worked.
Even though we lost, we won.
I think the thing now
is trying to figure out who's going home.
[Tosh] A sexy moon shot. Check.
Pool shot. Perfect.
-[Lauren] So what's the mood for tonight?
-Honestly,
I think everyone has to vote for someone
who's the weakest player on your team.
Who do you feel
is the weakest player on your team?
[Joey] I can't say anyone.
If someone didn't
carry their weight today,
I would have no problem
looking at said player and being, like,
"I felt like you didn't contribute."
Joey is very vocal on
let's vote out the weak player
because he's a strong player.
But I don't know if you should
vote out the weak
or you should vote out
the strong right now.
I don't know what the next competition is.
If it's selling real estate,
Reza is going to do the best, so
-Do you have solid numbers to work with?
-What does that mean?
Like, if you have people
and I get my people,
we can vote for somebody.
-[Reza] have a name.
-I don't have a name.
-You don't have a name?
-I don't have a name.
Okay, are you
Chef.
I think I'm playing a game that
I don't even know how to play.
I don't watch these shows.
I'm trying to learn.
I kind of threw Jason the chef out there
as a name to go
because I haven't really bonded with him,
but I don't know what I'm a mess.
Oops.
[Reza whispering] Who are you voting for?
[Jason whispering] Who are you voting for?
[Reza whispering] Are you guys
throwing a name around?
The names that I've heard so far
was me or Joey.
[Reza whispering] Tosh.0.
[in normal voice] What are you, um
How do you feel about that?
Do you want to strategize,
do you want to stay?
[Jason] Oh, I want to stay.
-[Reza] Do you want me to help?
-[Jason] Yes, please.
-[Da'Vonne] We're in game mode.
-[Jason] Okay.
The game has started now, right,
so any conversation
that I have with you,
I need it to stay between me and you.
-Most definitely.
-Okay?
Jason is actually a number for me,
and if we're really about
to play this game,
Joey, you ain't approached me
about nothing
you're not a number from me,
I have to save my number.
I have to save Jason.
How do you feel about Joey?
-Yeah, yeah, Joey was the one
-That's the conversation.
that I was gonna write down.
-Okay, come on. Don't say anything, okay?
-All right?
Joey's gotta go home tonight.
This is Big Brother on crack. Okay?
It's time to start playing.
Unless you have something with him.
-I mean, I don't have anything.
-Yeah.
Why Joey versus the chef?
'Cause the chef's not attached to anybody,
we can pull him in and make him a number.
-The chef can be a number for us.
-Yeah.
Is this vegan sausage? Fucking bomb.
[chuckling]
[Jason] Is it good?
[CJ] Chef Jason is a wild card.
I think his strategy going in was like,
"I'm going to feed these people
because catering sucks
and they'll never let go of me."
And he's right.
-End of the day, it's a competition.
-Right.
My strategy is to be myself.
Give them that 110%, lord honey
that everybody knows and loves
and keep on cooking
to see the finish line.
Grilled chicken's spicy.
-[Joey] Oh, my God.
-How are you?
Dude, I feel like we got
a lot to talk about.
Okay, tell me everything.
Well, no, I'm more interested
in asking you things.
-Really?
-I just knew right off the bat,
I could tell you're very smart,
you're a hard worker,
and I knew you were going to bring it.
You did phenomenal. You did phenomenal.
I'm like, "All right. She did
what I thought she'd probably do, like"
[soft guitar music]
[music stops]
[soft guitar music]
[music stops]
[soft guitar music]
I haven't put my finger on Joey yet.
He's the biggest personality,
super supportive.
I'm gonna do everything
the best way that I can,
-which is being honest, loyal.
-Mm-hm.
There is nothing I'm going to say behind
your back that I won't say to your face.
-Which I love.
-But I'm
A lot of people say that,
but I truly mean it.
[Tayshia] I didn't really think
that there was any similarities
between The Bachelorette and The GOAT.
There kind of are.
People are kind of trying to win me over,
people are pulling me aside,
which I've had that done
one too many times.
Give me a hug, I love you.
[sighs] Love you too, Joey,
you're the best.
[producer] Joey, how's it going with her?
[whispers] Shh, let's keep that on the DL.
Don't Don't say nothing. Shh.
-[Joey] Good talk.
-[Tayshia] Bye, good talk, Joey.
[bleating]
[electronic music playing]
[all] Hey!
Hey, what's up?
Hello, herd.
-Hello.
-[Tosh] I'm here in my orangest outfit.
It's time for you to go
to the Temple of the GOA
and cast your vote.
Once you've voted, please meet me
by the pool and do not keep me waiting.
[chuckling]
If you're up for elimination,
don't forget to bring
your personal gold goat.
-[bleating]
-[Teck] Let's start voting, y'all.
Let's do it.
[suspenseful music playing]
[sighs]
I don't know
what's going to happen tonight,
but I've made so many great connections.
I love them all.
There's gonna be a lot of tears
in the house.
Jason.
Joey.
Jason, I'm sorry.
Goddammit.
Daniel.
Jason.
Joey.
It's only going to hurt
for a second, big boy.
-[popping]
-[bleating]
[suspenseful music playing]
Oh, my
[whispers] Oh, you guys look good.
Eh?
Welcome to your very first ultimation.
Eh. You don't have to clap.
I combined the words ultimate
and elimination
-You get it, make it trending
-That was cute.
or something.
For one of you, your bid to be
the greatest of all time ends tonight
and sadly, if eliminated,
you will throw your goat
into a literal fire.
-[Paola] No.
-[Lauren] What?
-No.
-[bleating]
Let's get to the votes.
Cue dramatic music in three, two
[dramatic music playing]
Perfect.
[exhales]
The first vote.
-Joey.
-[Joey] Wait, what?
I don't think a lot of people are playing
this game
in the way
that I've been playing the game.
But let's be honest, no one wants to be
the first person to go home.
I don't feel confident right now.
Next vote.
Jason.
Joey.
Jason.
[Jason] Oh, my lord.
I feel as nervous, honey, as a nanny goat
in a field full of billy goats.
Joey.
Jason.
Joey.
And the next vote. Jason.
Joey.
Joey.
Jason.
Jason.
The next vote. Joey.
That's seven votes for Joey.
One more and you will be
exiled from GOAT Manor.
The final vote
[bleating]
is for Jason.
Uh. It's a tie?
-[Paola] It's a tie?
-It's a tie?
[Lauren] So what happens?
What does a tie mean?
The deciding vote will be cast
Oh, shoot.
by the GOAT.
-No.
-[Paola] Oh.
This show's nuts man. Jesus.
This is crazy.
You don't ever want to be
that deciding factor as to, like,
a reason somebody goes home.
And I feel bad.
[woman] What the heck?
-[Tosh] Joey.
-Yup.
Jason. Any last pleas?
Wait, do they have to say it to me?
I don't get to vote.
If you think that it's a better move
to keep me here, do it.
If you think it's a better move
to let me go,
then you got to do what you got to do.
I understand it's a competition.
Just trust your gut.
-Jason?
-You know, sugar, it's like I always say,
not everything ends on a happy note.
You've got to think to yourself, you know,
if you keep us, which one of us
do you think that you can beat in the end?
Now, that's a little bit of a mind game
on my part.
If you're strong,
don't be showing your cards too early
because they put the target on your back.
And that's the way
we're gonna play this game.
I make a good bowl
of tater salad too, honey. Mm.
Don't do that.
[Tosh] All right, Tayshia. It's time.
Who do you want to piss off forever?
I'm sorry, Joey.
It's okay.
Joey, I'm sorry.
You are not the greatest
reality contestant of all time.
You have been eliminated.
Yes.
Which is upsetting to me since
you were my biggest fan.
Big Tosh fan.
[Jill] Still is, still is.
[yelling]
My God!
[Joey] I love you, dude,
I used to watch Tosh.0 all the time.
[slowed down audio] Tosh.0 is the
[slowed down audio] Very nice of you.
All right, buddy.
-Go give him a hug.
-I'm sorry.
[applauding]
[Joey] It's okay.
We love you.
[Tayshia] I actually did vote for Jason
and then I changed my mind.
I think Joey is a strong competitor.
I'd much rather have Joey be gone
and me compete with Jason.
And it's as simple as that.
I wouldn't be here
if I didn't want to win.
Good luck, everybody. Good luck.
I was the winner of The Circle,
so I don't think anyone, including myself,
expected me to go home on the first night.
People knew
what I was bringing to the table
and what I brought to this house.
I think, frankly, there's a lot of people
who's very intimidated by that.
I'm a big personality.
But I came here to be the GOAT
[bleating]
but unfortunately
it's not me.
Can I get my phone?
I'll see you tomorrow.
Joey's gone, my Netflix compadre.
Now we're really seeing people
for who they are.
Oof, I'm kind of scared.
[Wendell] If I have to cut somebody,
I'm going to cut somebody.
I don't know how many times I gotta say,
I come from Survivor.
-Everybody kind of wants to win.
-It's a game.
[Paola] It doesn't matter the obstacles,
I'm just going to give my 100%.
I just want to win.
[speaking Spanish] You go
to your little house.
[in English] I'm the most relaxed
doing this
than if I was doing Housewives.
This is a vacation for me.
And we now know
how we're playing the game.
[CJ] I didn't realize
things could be so complicated.
I did not pack enough underwear.
[laughing]
[bleating]
[Tosh] This season on The GOAT
If I hadn't voted the way I voted,
she would have all the power in the house.
[Justin] Everything for you is a game.
Day, put the game aside and be a human.
I was thinking, like, if you were GOAT,
that would help me out.
First time he's come to me
Which tells me a lot.
-Oh!
-[Tosh] Ready
set
You got Fabio over there.
You're very woke.
This was funny when I was 25.
I'm almost 50.
-Whoa.
-Oh!
Prepare because
it's about to be ugly, crying.
-[sighs]
-[exhales]
What the? What the?
-[Da'Vonne] Lots of fighting.
-[Paola] you, I'm out.
[Da'Vonne] We backstabbing.
-Watch your mouth. Watch your mouth.
-[indistinct chatter]
Like, it's gonna get nasty.
She's gotta go. I can't take her anymore.
All of you are untrustworthy.
[sighs] I do not want to be this invested
in a show called The GOAT.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
[whooping]
What in gay hell
have I got myself into?
-[clanging]
-[screaming]
Oh, my God!
At least it's not a big pile of goat
Don't lie to my face.
So much gaslighting on this show.
Oh, this is intense, okay.
You now just embarrassed me and you
embarrassed yourself on national TV.
Jill is a fucking bitch.
GOAT Manor is on fire!
Snooki. Ah, she'd be great on this show.
How's she doing?
How many kids does she have?
Over the course of human history,
there have been many great achievements.
Fire, the automobile, laser hair removal.
That was a good one.
But nothing has impacted our lives
like our greatest achievement of all,
reality television,
or as I like to call it,
documentaries for dumb people.
With shows like The Real World, Survivor,
American Idol, Bachelor,
reality television has transformed
the landscape of popular culture forever.
But until today, nobody has dared
to find out who is the actual best
at just being on a reality show.
We have scoured the Earth for the 14
greatest reality contestants
that were available
during our production window.
Each episode, our contestants
will face new challenges
inspired by your favorite
reality shows
-Come on!
-[klaxon blares]
[indistinct yelling]
for a chance to win $200 million.
[producer] Thousand, not million.
Two-hundred thousand dollars.
The stakes are high,
if you take shows like this seriously.
But only one can earn the made-up title
of the GOAT of GOATS.
The greatest reality TV star of all time.
[bleating]
[upbeat music playing]
Crazy.
That's cute and kind of weird
at the same time.
My name is Lauren Speed-Hamilton.
I'm a reality star
and I'm here to be the GOAT, baby.
Most people know me from the show,
Love is Blind
where I fell in love
with my husband Cameron.
I didn't even see my husband
and I fell in love.
How many people have done that?
Well, now it's more seasons,
but you get what I'm saying.
Hello? This is a big-ass house.
Wow!
Wow, this is, like, my dream kitchen.
Walking into this house, I'm absolutely
expecting big personalities.
The competitive in me wants to win.
But if I don't win, will I cry?
I mean, then you cut to me crying,
probably. [chuckles]
Yes, I've arrived.
[bleating]
-[Lauren] Hi!
-Hi, surprise.
-You are gorgeous.
-You're gorgeous, I'm Lauren,
-are you a hugger? Okay.
-I'm a hugger.
I'm Jill Zarin from
The Real Housewives of New York City.
Excuse me,
don't you ever talk to me like that
-Jill Zarin.
with that tone of voice.
-Jill
-Leave then.
I think I have a reputation
for being right a lot.
And the truth is, I am always right.
I still have relationships
with a lot of the Housewives
but I'm excited to be here because I'm
gonna meet a whole new group of people.
What?
-Oh, my gosh.
-[Lauren] Hi!
-[Jill] Reza!
-Oh, my God!
[Jill] No way.
-You have no idea how happy I am.
-Are you okay?
I'm friends with Reza but you have to
watch out the ones that come in
and we know are a threat.
He's going to want to cut me,
I'm going to want to cut him.
-How you doing?
-[Jill] Coming in hot.
-What's up?
-[Jill] Teck, I know he's dangerous
because he's been on The Challenge.
-[Lauren] Hi!
-Hello.
[Jill] Then you've got, like, Paola.
-[Lauren] Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, too.
I mean, honestly, 90 Day Fiancée
is my personal favorite show.
Another young, hot blonde.
Okay. All right, look at this.
My name is Joey Sasso,
Most people probably know me
from winning The Circle on Netflix.
[woman] One-hundred thousand dollars!
[yells] What's up, boss?
-[all laughing]
-[Joey] What?
-What's up?
-Oh, my God!
The first person I see
is my friend Lauren.
That is my girl,
we were both on Netflix shows.
And it made me so happy right off the jump
to have a friend who's in the house
that I know I can trust.
-[Reza] Hey
-[all] Hi.
My name is Kristen Doute.
If anybody in the House thinks that they
actually know me from Vanderpump Rules,
then they have another thing
coming to them.
-I cheated on you. I did.
-Two in one weekend.
-Oh, my God, Reza.
-What's up, Kristen Doute?
[chuckles]
When you see another person from Bravo,
you're like, "ha-ha,"
because we know what we've been through
to get up in there, you know?
[Joey] Who is it?
What's up, bro?
-[Joey] Bachelor.
-[Jill] Bachelor.
I'm Joe, you may know me
as Grocery-Store Joe
from The Bachelorette,
Bachelor in Paradise.
Are you nervous?
I think I am, yeah, maybe,
maybe a little bit.
It is great to be back on reality TV.
It makes me who I am as a person.
Plus, it's all I can do,
so this is my full-time job.
[woman] Oh, my gosh, we got someone new.
My name's CJ Franco.
I did a show called FBoy Island.
That's just the bottom of the barrel.
It's only up from here. I hope.
-[Joey] Did you find love?
-On FBoy Island?
-Yeah. Why not?
-[CJ] I did not.
I think what's gonna make me successful
is that people underestimate me.
When you put in 10% all the time,
people are like, "Oh, that's just so cute,
she's at 10%."
And then, boom, 45%. Right there.
-Hello!
-What's up?
[Lauren] Hey!
It is me, Da'Vonne Rogers,
you know this face,
you know this voice for sure, okay?
Of course, you know me,
from Big Brother and The Challenge.
-Thank you, Da'Vonne
-Of course.
for changing my life
and my family's life.
Please cast your vote to evict.
I vote to evict Da'Vonne.
[Da'Vonne] We made an agreement,
come to find out, you know,
she was gunning for me.
I was trying to be everybody's friend.
I ain't doing none of that.
Hi, beautiful, how you doing?
Nice to meet you.
I don't need no alliance right now.
We don't even need to talk about the game.
Where you from? What was your
childhood like? Do I care? Not really.
We're coming in cutthroat this time.
-[woman] Hello!
-Hi!
Well, lord, honey,
children, how are y'all?
I'm Jason Smith and most people know me
from Best Baker in America.
I'm the epitome of a Southerner
and a really old grandmother
all rolled up into one.
We gotta make sure
Jason stays in this house
-so we eat good the entire time.
-[Jason] That's right,
I can put the biscuits and the gravy
on the table.
-Whiplash.
-[Da'Vonne] My type of person.
-Knock, knock.
-What's up, brother?
[Joey] What up, dude?
I'm Wendell Holland
and you probably know me from winning
Survivor, season 36: Ghost Island.
-Wendell.
-[audience applauding]
What show are you from?
-I'm from Survivor, guys.
-[bell dings]
I've always been like, very athletic,
did very well in college,
did very well in law school,
got on this dream show of mine, Survivor,
and I've won it.
It wasn't easy, but I won it.
So I think I'm one of the greats
because I have it right here.
I have it in me.
You won a million dollars?
Yes. Big target on this guy now.
Hey, there. Tayshia!
My name is Tayshia Adams
I am from The Bachelor,
Bachelor in Paradise
and from The Bachelorette.
Marry me.
Yes.
I found love.
Unfortunately, it didn't pan out.
No! Yes, of course I am.
[sighs]
-[indistinct]
-[all laughing]
[Joey] So nice to meet you.
[Tayshia] I feel like I am right back
in Bachelor mansion
except for that I'm not dating 20 guys.
I haven't done this in so long,
this is so weird.
-[producer] No, you're doing
-I'm actually starting to get hot.
Oh, my God, I'm getting PTSD.
-Hi, Da'Vonne, nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
-What the
-[laughing]
[Tayshia] You're kidding me, right?
Tayshia and I are friends.
I had no idea she was coming here.
I just started shaking, are you kidding?
We've been in the Bachelor franchise
three or four years.
She's definitely someone
that I'll work with for sure.
-Look, I was good, and now
-S'up.
[Joey] Oh, man.
-[Joey] We got one mas.
-[woman] One more.
-[Joey] We got one more.
-[Kristen] One more.
Definitely gotta be a guy, right?
-Or it may not be.
-[Joey] Or it might not be.
[all] Yeah!
My name is Justin Johnson,
also known as the Grand Dame Diva herself,
Alyssa Edwards.
Now, some of you might know me
from RuPaul's Drag Race
Look at me.
My life has always been
a reality television program.
So wait, there's one more
Who's hosting this thing?
[all clamoring]
Hey! Oh, my God!
My God! Welcome to GOAT Manor.
I'm your host, comedian Daniel Tosh.
[producer] No, Tosh, we told you.
You don't need to do an interview.
As a fan of reality TV,
I'm extremely excited
to go on this journey with you.
Dude, Tosh.0 is the
Very nice of you.
We interrupt our normal hysterical show
with a Tosh.0 exclusive.
I've done the first 40 years
of my life skinny.
I wanna do the last 40 years
yoked as shit.
There you up,
squeeze the bicep at the top.
Fuck this.
That show is canceled.
[CJ] We have Tosh as the host.
Okay, first of all, I am such a fan.
I was on hold for, like, being a model
on one of his projects
for, like, two weeks
and they never used me.
All right, you might be asking,
why am I here?
And that's simple.
Reality shows always have
White men hosting,
and I want to renovate my house
on Lake Tahoe.
-[applauding]
-They say never meet your heroes,
so, uh, Grocery Store Joe,
don't let me down.
[all laughing]
Take a look around.
The GOAT will be a celebration
of all reality shows
that you and countless others
have been on.
Each episode,
you will compete in challenges
and someone will be voted out.
At the end of this series,
one of you will be crowned
the greatest reality TV star of all time,
and win $200,000.
Whoa!
That is life-changing money
if you only have four months to live.
[all laughing]
This episode is all about
survival competition shows,
and today you'll be braving the elements
in the backyard of this mansion.
[Wendell] I was on Survivor.
I'm very at home in this element,
so going into it, I feel confident.
I got this.
Any questions?
Great! Go check out your new home,
and meet me out front
for your first GOAT challenge.
We're only five minutes
into this first episode
and I'm already sick
of saying the word "Goat."
Are we stuck on that name?
-Want me to workshop it or anything?
-[bleating]
Which way is out front?
I'm new to GOAT Manor.
-[woman] Okay!
-Okay, let's go!
[indistinct chatter]
[woman] Okay go find my shit.
Teck, do not give Joe any red wine.
He'll be snoring all night.
[bleating]
[all] Yeah!
[Jason] I see coconuts, I see wood planks
sticking out of the ground.
Honey, I'm excited to see
what we're going to have to do.
-Whoo!
-Whoo!
Ah!
It's hotter than two skunks
kissing in a corn patch out here.
Tosh is standing here
in nothing but a loincloth.
You need to put some clothes on
or we're gonna have to give you a suntan
or something, honey,
'cause you're blinding every one of us.
Hello, herd!
Ah!
Everybody told me it was
going to be hot here at GOAT Manor.
Turns out it's lukewarm [chuckles]
You're telling me
this what Jeff Probst wears.
Welcome to your first GOAT challenge.
This episode is a celebration
of survival competition shows.
On go, each of you will stand on a post
with one foot.
You'll also have to balance a coconut
on a disk
that's at the end of a pole.
If you don't understand, I don't care.
We're all learning, we're trying to grow.
I'm trying to evolve.
That's why I'm here in this confessional,
even though you guys keep telling me
not to come in here.
The last contestant standing
while balancing their coconut
will win immunity,
which means that person
gets to treat the rest of you like ass.
[Da'Vonne] Immunity is huge
because any given Sunday, Monday, Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
these people can wake up
and decide, "We got to get her out."
Grab a nut and hop on a stump.
[Tosh] Guys, play nice, play nice.
[Jill] You guys are animals.
-Got it?
-Thanks very much, Jill, I appreciate it.
-Yeah.
-You guys are brutal.
All right, take your positions.
-Ready, set, goat.
-[bleating]
Whoa!
Teck down.
[Teck] I choked, mm-hm.
I've been in the game about 23 years
doing reality television
but honestly haven't had to work
since 1999.
I haven't had to flip no burgers
and I haven't had to lift my legs
and sell my ass
so I feel #blessed.
[Wendell] I won Survivor a few years ago.
I'm kind of athletic,
I'm kind of getting a dad bod right now
Whatever, but
Like, I'm pretty good at things.
But just not the best, you know?
Just not the best.
Me and my girlfriend have a baby
on the way,
so I'm trying to go my absolute hardest.
Give me that money.
[Reza] Oh
[Jill] I do Pilates.
I have a lot more core strength
than some of the people in this house.
I have to hold in my ass
and my stomach
That's the game.
Oh! I'm out.
[Tosh] Oh, shoot. Down
I don't even know
what I'm supposed to comment on.
Reza's bandanna's Gucci.
I have an uneven ass cheek and it hurts,
but I'm attempting to do it.
Okay, okay Joey, did you skip leg day?
Bro, I skipped leg day.
My left ass cheek is bigger
than my right one,
it makes life complicated
It's a whole thing.
-Yikes!
-Pao down.
[Tosh] Joe! Oh, shoot.
I'm doing my kegels,
everything is tight.
All of my attention's really on balancing.
I am in my zone, I am focused,
I'm standing with one foot,
I am good at this, I'm a flamingo.
[Tosh] Down.
I forgot I had a coconut.
May you also find balance in your life.
[Lauren] Like, everybody's just dropping
and I'm like,
flashing back to ballet. Like, you know,
graceful shoulders back,
you know, focus.
Statue of Liberty holding this coconut.
-[Tosh] Oh, shoot.
-[all] Oh
[Tosh] Lauren, you're fine.
Wendell's smile's keeping it up.
As I'm hearing people dropping like flies,
I'm, like, being from Survivor,
I know I came in with a target on me.
So strategically,
I don't want to play too hard too early.
[Tosh] Wendell, hold on.
Those are nice shoes
Oh, no, Wendell's gone.
-Wendell
-Yeah I did win Survivor.
I don't think I saw this coming.
Tayshia and Justin
are the final two standing.
Justin, you're carrying the weight
of two people.
[laughing]
I'm completely laser point focused
and I'm going to let people know
that I am here to compete.
I am a strong player,
I am coming for that GOAT title.
-[Tosh] This is amazing.
-Beast!
[Reza] To be honest, I was shocked.
Justin's a thug,
he could've probably texted someone
ordered a pizza and, like,
he's gonna be here for a minute.
Tayshia's just in her own world.
[Kristen] She's got abs of steel!
[Tayshia] I'm not concerned
about anything,
The Bachelor is a Hunger Games.
I've done the worst,
like, this is a walk in the park.
This is me and a coconut.
I'm just trying not to think
about my foot currently cramping.
[woman] Damn it!
[Justin] Come on, Tayshia, fall already.
Give it up, Tayshia.
-I could do this all night.
-Uh-oh.
[all] Hey.
Hold on Shit, I've been known
to stay up all night, here we go.
I'm standing here watching Tayshia.
And Justin. And Tayshia.
And Justin. And Tayshia.
Justin. Tayshia.
Justin. Tayshia. Justin.
And you're just going back and forth
and you're going who's going to break?
[Joey] Justin starts wobbling,
the coconut's
Oh, but then, Justin settles.
He settles in. He's good.
Tayshia starts to wobble a little bit.
Swear to God, if I had cash on me,
I would have start betting.
I would've told everyone,
"Throw your money down."
[Joey yelling]
Ten-inch heels or this, Justin,
what's harder?
Hang on, Tayshia, hang on.
[dramatic music playing]
-[bleating]
-[slurping]
[horn sounds]
[all cheering]
[Joey] Oh, God. Oh, God.
That was incredible.
I won! I'm so happy!
[Joey] That was amazing.
I'm very proud of myself.
I was a lovely runner-up.
[Tosh] Tayshia, congratulations.
[applauding]
You are the first GOAT,
which means you are safe from elimination.
Thank God!
[Tosh] Tomorrow's elimination challenge
is a team event.
Only the losing team
will be up for elimination.
Tayshia, you will be choosing the teams.
Okay.
Being a GOAT,
like, I'm very proud of myself,
but I'm also now like
I could make a big mistake tomorrow
in choosing my team.
It's kind of like a tricky situation
to be in.
Tayshia, get to know
the people in the house tonight
and decide who you want on your team.
Now, everybody head back into GOAT Manor!
Whoo!
Make alliances, talk trash,
figure out which bathroom
is going to be used for poop.
Ooh, here's a sexy day-to-nighttime lapse.
-How we doing?
-[Reza] I'm great,
I'm just saying hi to you guys?
I didn't mean to interrupt.
So who do you feel like
you clicked the most with?
I definitely click with you.
I definitely click with Jill.
Those are the ones
I'm going to put a stamp in.
Just as soon as I met you today,
I was like,
"I've known this girl
somewhere in another lifetime."
-Ooh, that makes me feel so happy.
-[Jason] So
I'm so happy that you have a man
in your life and that you're happy
-and you're in a good place.
-Thank you.
'Cause Kristen not in a good place
is not happy.
No, Kristen in a not good place
is fucking miserable.
Hello, James Kennedy.
When she was dating James
[Jill] You dated James?
-I must have missed that season.
-That's the story, I'll tell you
-He was very disrespectful to her.
-later on.
-She was living with Tom Sandoval.
-You came to the show with Tom, right?
Tom Sandoval and I dated
for almost six years.
-You came to the show as his girlfriend
-You guys were living together.
and then you broke up on the show.
-Correct, then he started dating Ariana.
-Then you started
Oh! And then you started dating
James Kennedy?
You guys are like the
The nicest people in the house.
I think everyone's very cool.
The first thing that came to my mind
is who do I feel
like I could really trust here?
-I've known you for so long.
-Yeah.
So I want to partner up
with you and with you
because I've got nothing
but great vibes from you
-all day long.
-Ohh.
Let's be honest,
this is none of our first shows.
We're still learning this game
but I know I need an alliance,
so I'm gonna spend tonight
figuring out who I can trust.
I can promise you if I'm in a position
of power in any way,
-I'd have both of you guys' backs.
-[Lauren] Mm-hm.
Well, I have been invited
to a lot of alliances at this point.
Okay.
No, I'm kidding, it's my first.
[all laughing]
[CJ] I didn't even know
I was supposed to be making an alliance.
Thank God someone brought me in because
I would have just been lost in the sauce.
-I know my loyalty is here first.
-Mm.
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, y'all, there's
something about Tayshia I don't trust.
-[Joey] Really?
-[Lauren] As a competitor,
-I feel like she's very strategic.
-Yup.
I feel like she's smart. I'm watching her.
All right. Let's make this quick.
-Quick as hell.
-Because
we shouldn't have
to talk to each other a lot.
Exactly.
[Da'Vonne] Wendell,
who was a Survivor winner,
his Survivor smarts,
and my smarts over here
with the shows that I've been on,
he's the perfect ally
for me to have at this moment.
I'm with you, whatever you want to do,
-as far as you wanna go.
-Okay.
He wants to win, just like I want to win.
At the end of the day,
I came here to play for my kid.
Everything I do is for my daughter.
Every step I take, every move I make,
everything. It's all for her.
If it comes down to it,
I can get your name shifted
I have no choice but to fight.
So as long as his game
does not collide with mine,
then we can be Batman and Catwoman
all the way to the end. [chuckles]
We need to
We need to take care of each other.
[Reza] You guys feel like family to me,
-so I think we should have
-[Jill] The secret alliance.
-Can we just call it the Bravo Alliance?
-Yes,
-we can do whatever you want.
-Thank you.
Do you feel good being the GOAT?
I mean, yeah, but it's also, like
-Kind of a target on your head?
-Yeah.
What's your plan for a team?
I don't know
what the hell the challenge is,
so it's going to be really hard
to kind of like
pick who I'm going to be with.
[Tayshia] I'm the GOAT
-[bleating]
-rightfully so, thank you very much.
However, I'm stressed.
I'm not sure
what I'm going to do with teams yet.
Everyone thinks I kind of
have it all figured out. I don't.
What about the competitions?
Are you nervous?
I'm not really worried about that,
I'm more worried about, like,
disgusting, like
Like, stick your hand in goat shit,
or milk a cow,
like, I've never milked a cow.
Like, milk a cow
Are you scared to grab the udders?
Yeah, like, it's, like, penis.
I don't want to grab that!
Are you kidding me. Jerk it off.
That's so weird.
Joe!
-You're the weirdest
-Like, go, go for it.
[Tayshia] That's coming though.
Like gross things like that.
[Joe] Oh, no.
[dramatic music playing]
Oh, my God, a pirate.
What is going on?
[Justin] Oh, my God!
[Joey] Tosh looks
absolutely insane right now.
I don't know what he's thinking
but I respect the man's commitment
to the bit.
[Tosh] Oh, my goodness.
Are you ready
for your first elimination challenge?
-[all] Yeah!
-All right.
This week's all about survival shows,
so we're going to test your ability
to work as a team,
swim for your life,
and survive whatever catering
is serving for lunch.
Tayshia, you are the current GOAT.
I'm told I'm an otter,
but that's for a different time.
Tayshia, as the GOAT,
you get to select your team
and a reminder,
the losing team is up for elimination.
-No pressure.
-No pressure.
Tayshia, choose wisely or don't,
because honestly, you have immunity.
I feel stressed right now, okay?
This is not easy.
It's not easy being the GOAT, okay?
Tayshia, who is your first pick?
I love you all, okay?
That's not true.
You're falling in love with them,
-that's what you say first.
-Oh, my God, it's the wrong show!
Okay, Justin.
Whoo!
-[Tayshia] Teck.
-What? Oh
-Day. CJ.
-[applauding]
-Joe.
-[Tosh] Joe!
All right, last pick.
Reza.
-[Tosh] Reza. Oh!
-[applauding]
Okay, great, we have our teams.
[Tayshia] Strategy-wise, I don't wanna put
all of the strongest players on one team.
What I decided to do was mix the team
with some of, like, weak links
and the strong players.
I want to make sure I still have,
like, good connections with everybody
and everyone still trusts me.
[Tosh] All right. Here's how it goes.
You will have 20 minutes to build a boat.
Once the boat is built,
three of your players
will take it across the pool.
Half of your bodies must fit on the boat.
When you get to the other side,
you're going to grab the keys,
back to your boat, across the pool again,
then hand it to the team member
waiting to unlock the treasure chest
and get the booty.
The team who gets the booty first is safe.
Let's do it!
I'm a little anxious.
I'm not really a water person.
I've had pools for probably 20 years,
I spend an enormous amount of money
heating them, cleaning them,
and I don't swim.
We should get the keys' run it back
Y'all can run fast too, right?
Run it back, give it to me.
-So us three, we're in the pool?
-Yeah.
Their team Their team is very short.
-This is long.
-We're good in the pool.
[Lauren] So who's in the water?
-[indistinct chatter]
-[Lauren] I'm building.
-I'm good with puzzles, I'll see the key.
-[Wendell] You do the key.
The rest takes over building.
-Let's do this.
-We got this!
We've got this!
Lot of talk. Lot of talk.
-Ready, set, goat!
-Yes.
[bleating]
[indistinct chatter]
[Joey] Okay, let's go.
We pry this sack open
for all the materials for the boat
and I see
a whole bunch of bullshit in there.
There's some PVC pipe,
there's some, like, little
boogie-board-looking type of things,
there's some plywood,
but there ain't no hammer or no nails,
so I don't know
what the plywood's doing in there.
Oh, my God.
[Wendell] All right, guys. I need Joey
you're going to tie this together.
Crazy knot here.
One, two, three.
You're gonna be working here.
We're all gonna be working
in front of him right here.
-[Tayshia] Got it.
-Okay?
They're going to look at the Survivor guy
who built stuff and be like, "All right,
maybe we should do what he's doing."
So we decided we would make a small raft,
small enough for the three of us
to fit on it,
and hope they build something
big and slow, like our decoy.
[Justin] Look how they're doing it.
Look how they're doing it.
-[blowing]
-[CJ] Look. Look at them.
Ten minutes left.
[Justin] Look what they're doing, Rez,
over here, look how light their boat is.
[Reza] There's no way
this is going to stay together.
That's the shortest one,
these are the longest ones.
What do you guys weigh though,
just out of curiosity?
-[CJ] Hundred-and-twelve.
-One-twelve, nice.
-Joe, what do you weigh?
-Hundred-and-ninety.
-One-ninety? Oh.
-Yeah.
That's good, that's
-Teck, what do you weigh?
-[Teck] One fifty-five.
-[Tosh] Wh What?
-One fifty-five.
Goddamn, I feel like a fat fuck.
-Well, she made a statement, didn't she?
-[Da'Vonne] What?
She took who she wants out and put them
with whoever she thought was weak.
-Girl.
-Am I blind
-Nope.
-or am I very sane?
-Very sane.
-And she thinks I'm weak.
-She really hurt my feelings.
-Wow.
I am such a Housewife fan
but I don't want to seem like a groupie
when I first came into the house.
"I know who you are, girl!"
But I ain't gonna let you know that,
like, you will never know I'm a fan
until you watch this, okay?
Five minutes left.
[Justin] Listen, let Reza do this,
he said he could do this.
This is your job, do it, Reza.
[Reza] Where's the scissors?
-[Justin] Just let Reza do it.
-Where are the scissors, you guys?
[Reza] I'm here to redeem my ass.
Getting sent home first from The Traitors
when you've had nine seasons
of your own show
and you were the star
of that motherfucker.
Just say sorry.
-Everyone sees you up
-Sorry for what?
For being such a disgusting person.
Grow the up
and apologize to everybody.
-[Paola] Should I do this?
-Yeah, blow up the floaties.
Yeah.
What is this shit?
There, that's better.
Ah, fuck. This is
[Paola] I feel like,
even if we win or lose,
we'll be fine, I don't feel like
I'm leaving. Hopefully, I I don't.
[blowing]
I don't want to see my name in there.
Maybe they are not going to know
how to spell it, so that's gonna help me.
Hopefully, that will be on my favor.
Fuck, it's not working.
Five, four, three, two, one,
-zero.
-[buzzer sounds]
Good job, everyone.
-Good job.
-[Reza] Nice job.
[Wendell] That's it, we got a boat.
-We got a boat. We got a boat.
-We got it.
[Tosh] All right, time's up, everybody
bring your rafts to the starting line.
You guys got this. You guys got this.
Ohh!
The orange team has made a decoy.
[Reza] Are you kidding me?
Of all the trickery, fuckery and slickery.
[Tosh] Look at how tiny that boat is.
Oh, man, oh, man,
oh, man, oh, man, oh, man.
Hello! Hello!
Any human being would understand
that the float, boat, raft, canoe,
whatever the fuck was that they made,
would not hold 50% of any being.
That raft was for infants and
-Remember, guys, let's hold it up.
-Get in.
-Ready, set, go!
-[klaxon sounds]
[teammates whooping and cheering]
[Paola] Yeah, let's go,
let's go, let's go.
[Kristen] Coming from Vanderpump Rules,
a show that is nothing like this one,
I'm just trying to prove
that I can do it.
I barely ate lunch because I didn't want
to weigh the team down. [chuckles]
[teammates cheering]
Get the keys. Get them. Go!
-Go!
-Go!
[triumphant music playing]
[slowed down] This is exciting!
[slowed down dialogue]
What!
[slowed down dialogue]
[bleating]
[normal voice] All the way to the edge.
[Da'Vonne] Y'all keep going.
Come on, come on, come in here.
Okay!
[Da'Vonne] Come on!
[Wendell] Go to the next one.
It won't fit.
[Teck] Go, Da. Go, Da.
This is where it becomes a challenge.
Da, you've got a real shot here.
[dramatic music playing]
[Tayshia] You got this, Day,
you got this, Day.
[Tosh] Oh, no!
[cheering and whooping]
[Tosh] Yeah! Orange team, orange team.
Orange team, orange team,
orange team, we did it.
[Reza] This is bull
-They said 50% of two people's bodies
-I agree with you.
Reza] needed to be on the raft.
Why weren't they disqualified?
Their raft doesn't hold 50% of shit.
[Tosh] Uh, okay, hey, guys.
[laughs nervously]
I'm being forced to read this
against my will.
-The producers have carefully
-Hell yeah.
-reviewed the footage
-Hell yeah.
and come to a decision
that the orange team
has been disqualified.
And the purple team
is safe from elimination.
-[cheering]
-[Teck] You called it!
[Teck] Good job, guys, good job. Good job.
Good job, good job, good job.
I feel bad because
we wanted the decoy raft
to be good enough that if we got
in trouble for building two rafts,
that will work.
I hope I don't make
too many people mad at me.
Guys, I apologize
for thinking of that raft.
-No.
-It wasn't your fault.
Like, I apologize
for thinking of that raft.
You should feel excellent
because it was an excellent idea,
you outsmarted the system.
Honestly, Wendell did a great job
when it comes down to it.
He had a great idea
that seemed like it worked.
Even though we lost, we won.
I think the thing now
is trying to figure out who's going home.
[Tosh] A sexy moon shot. Check.
Pool shot. Perfect.
-[Lauren] So what's the mood for tonight?
-Honestly,
I think everyone has to vote for someone
who's the weakest player on your team.
Who do you feel
is the weakest player on your team?
[Joey] I can't say anyone.
If someone didn't
carry their weight today,
I would have no problem
looking at said player and being, like,
"I felt like you didn't contribute."
Joey is very vocal on
let's vote out the weak player
because he's a strong player.
But I don't know if you should
vote out the weak
or you should vote out
the strong right now.
I don't know what the next competition is.
If it's selling real estate,
Reza is going to do the best, so
-Do you have solid numbers to work with?
-What does that mean?
Like, if you have people
and I get my people,
we can vote for somebody.
-[Reza] have a name.
-I don't have a name.
-You don't have a name?
-I don't have a name.
Okay, are you
Chef.
I think I'm playing a game that
I don't even know how to play.
I don't watch these shows.
I'm trying to learn.
I kind of threw Jason the chef out there
as a name to go
because I haven't really bonded with him,
but I don't know what I'm a mess.
Oops.
[Reza whispering] Who are you voting for?
[Jason whispering] Who are you voting for?
[Reza whispering] Are you guys
throwing a name around?
The names that I've heard so far
was me or Joey.
[Reza whispering] Tosh.0.
[in normal voice] What are you, um
How do you feel about that?
Do you want to strategize,
do you want to stay?
[Jason] Oh, I want to stay.
-[Reza] Do you want me to help?
-[Jason] Yes, please.
-[Da'Vonne] We're in game mode.
-[Jason] Okay.
The game has started now, right,
so any conversation
that I have with you,
I need it to stay between me and you.
-Most definitely.
-Okay?
Jason is actually a number for me,
and if we're really about
to play this game,
Joey, you ain't approached me
about nothing
you're not a number from me,
I have to save my number.
I have to save Jason.
How do you feel about Joey?
-Yeah, yeah, Joey was the one
-That's the conversation.
that I was gonna write down.
-Okay, come on. Don't say anything, okay?
-All right?
Joey's gotta go home tonight.
This is Big Brother on crack. Okay?
It's time to start playing.
Unless you have something with him.
-I mean, I don't have anything.
-Yeah.
Why Joey versus the chef?
'Cause the chef's not attached to anybody,
we can pull him in and make him a number.
-The chef can be a number for us.
-Yeah.
Is this vegan sausage? Fucking bomb.
[chuckling]
[Jason] Is it good?
[CJ] Chef Jason is a wild card.
I think his strategy going in was like,
"I'm going to feed these people
because catering sucks
and they'll never let go of me."
And he's right.
-End of the day, it's a competition.
-Right.
My strategy is to be myself.
Give them that 110%, lord honey
that everybody knows and loves
and keep on cooking
to see the finish line.
Grilled chicken's spicy.
-[Joey] Oh, my God.
-How are you?
Dude, I feel like we got
a lot to talk about.
Okay, tell me everything.
Well, no, I'm more interested
in asking you things.
-Really?
-I just knew right off the bat,
I could tell you're very smart,
you're a hard worker,
and I knew you were going to bring it.
You did phenomenal. You did phenomenal.
I'm like, "All right. She did
what I thought she'd probably do, like"
[soft guitar music]
[music stops]
[soft guitar music]
[music stops]
[soft guitar music]
I haven't put my finger on Joey yet.
He's the biggest personality,
super supportive.
I'm gonna do everything
the best way that I can,
-which is being honest, loyal.
-Mm-hm.
There is nothing I'm going to say behind
your back that I won't say to your face.
-Which I love.
-But I'm
A lot of people say that,
but I truly mean it.
[Tayshia] I didn't really think
that there was any similarities
between The Bachelorette and The GOAT.
There kind of are.
People are kind of trying to win me over,
people are pulling me aside,
which I've had that done
one too many times.
Give me a hug, I love you.
[sighs] Love you too, Joey,
you're the best.
[producer] Joey, how's it going with her?
[whispers] Shh, let's keep that on the DL.
Don't Don't say nothing. Shh.
-[Joey] Good talk.
-[Tayshia] Bye, good talk, Joey.
[bleating]
[electronic music playing]
[all] Hey!
Hey, what's up?
Hello, herd.
-Hello.
-[Tosh] I'm here in my orangest outfit.
It's time for you to go
to the Temple of the GOA
and cast your vote.
Once you've voted, please meet me
by the pool and do not keep me waiting.
[chuckling]
If you're up for elimination,
don't forget to bring
your personal gold goat.
-[bleating]
-[Teck] Let's start voting, y'all.
Let's do it.
[suspenseful music playing]
[sighs]
I don't know
what's going to happen tonight,
but I've made so many great connections.
I love them all.
There's gonna be a lot of tears
in the house.
Jason.
Joey.
Jason, I'm sorry.
Goddammit.
Daniel.
Jason.
Joey.
It's only going to hurt
for a second, big boy.
-[popping]
-[bleating]
[suspenseful music playing]
Oh, my
[whispers] Oh, you guys look good.
Eh?
Welcome to your very first ultimation.
Eh. You don't have to clap.
I combined the words ultimate
and elimination
-You get it, make it trending
-That was cute.
or something.
For one of you, your bid to be
the greatest of all time ends tonight
and sadly, if eliminated,
you will throw your goat
into a literal fire.
-[Paola] No.
-[Lauren] What?
-No.
-[bleating]
Let's get to the votes.
Cue dramatic music in three, two
[dramatic music playing]
Perfect.
[exhales]
The first vote.
-Joey.
-[Joey] Wait, what?
I don't think a lot of people are playing
this game
in the way
that I've been playing the game.
But let's be honest, no one wants to be
the first person to go home.
I don't feel confident right now.
Next vote.
Jason.
Joey.
Jason.
[Jason] Oh, my lord.
I feel as nervous, honey, as a nanny goat
in a field full of billy goats.
Joey.
Jason.
Joey.
And the next vote. Jason.
Joey.
Joey.
Jason.
Jason.
The next vote. Joey.
That's seven votes for Joey.
One more and you will be
exiled from GOAT Manor.
The final vote
[bleating]
is for Jason.
Uh. It's a tie?
-[Paola] It's a tie?
-It's a tie?
[Lauren] So what happens?
What does a tie mean?
The deciding vote will be cast
Oh, shoot.
by the GOAT.
-No.
-[Paola] Oh.
This show's nuts man. Jesus.
This is crazy.
You don't ever want to be
that deciding factor as to, like,
a reason somebody goes home.
And I feel bad.
[woman] What the heck?
-[Tosh] Joey.
-Yup.
Jason. Any last pleas?
Wait, do they have to say it to me?
I don't get to vote.
If you think that it's a better move
to keep me here, do it.
If you think it's a better move
to let me go,
then you got to do what you got to do.
I understand it's a competition.
Just trust your gut.
-Jason?
-You know, sugar, it's like I always say,
not everything ends on a happy note.
You've got to think to yourself, you know,
if you keep us, which one of us
do you think that you can beat in the end?
Now, that's a little bit of a mind game
on my part.
If you're strong,
don't be showing your cards too early
because they put the target on your back.
And that's the way
we're gonna play this game.
I make a good bowl
of tater salad too, honey. Mm.
Don't do that.
[Tosh] All right, Tayshia. It's time.
Who do you want to piss off forever?
I'm sorry, Joey.
It's okay.
Joey, I'm sorry.
You are not the greatest
reality contestant of all time.
You have been eliminated.
Yes.
Which is upsetting to me since
you were my biggest fan.
Big Tosh fan.
[Jill] Still is, still is.
[yelling]
My God!
[Joey] I love you, dude,
I used to watch Tosh.0 all the time.
[slowed down audio] Tosh.0 is the
[slowed down audio] Very nice of you.
All right, buddy.
-Go give him a hug.
-I'm sorry.
[applauding]
[Joey] It's okay.
We love you.
[Tayshia] I actually did vote for Jason
and then I changed my mind.
I think Joey is a strong competitor.
I'd much rather have Joey be gone
and me compete with Jason.
And it's as simple as that.
I wouldn't be here
if I didn't want to win.
Good luck, everybody. Good luck.
I was the winner of The Circle,
so I don't think anyone, including myself,
expected me to go home on the first night.
People knew
what I was bringing to the table
and what I brought to this house.
I think, frankly, there's a lot of people
who's very intimidated by that.
I'm a big personality.
But I came here to be the GOAT
[bleating]
but unfortunately
it's not me.
Can I get my phone?
I'll see you tomorrow.
Joey's gone, my Netflix compadre.
Now we're really seeing people
for who they are.
Oof, I'm kind of scared.
[Wendell] If I have to cut somebody,
I'm going to cut somebody.
I don't know how many times I gotta say,
I come from Survivor.
-Everybody kind of wants to win.
-It's a game.
[Paola] It doesn't matter the obstacles,
I'm just going to give my 100%.
I just want to win.
[speaking Spanish] You go
to your little house.
[in English] I'm the most relaxed
doing this
than if I was doing Housewives.
This is a vacation for me.
And we now know
how we're playing the game.
[CJ] I didn't realize
things could be so complicated.
I did not pack enough underwear.
[laughing]
[bleating]
[Tosh] This season on The GOAT
If I hadn't voted the way I voted,
she would have all the power in the house.
[Justin] Everything for you is a game.
Day, put the game aside and be a human.
I was thinking, like, if you were GOAT,
that would help me out.
First time he's come to me
Which tells me a lot.
-Oh!
-[Tosh] Ready
set
You got Fabio over there.
You're very woke.
This was funny when I was 25.
I'm almost 50.
-Whoa.
-Oh!
Prepare because
it's about to be ugly, crying.
-[sighs]
-[exhales]
What the? What the?
-[Da'Vonne] Lots of fighting.
-[Paola] you, I'm out.
[Da'Vonne] We backstabbing.
-Watch your mouth. Watch your mouth.
-[indistinct chatter]
Like, it's gonna get nasty.
She's gotta go. I can't take her anymore.
All of you are untrustworthy.
[sighs] I do not want to be this invested
in a show called The GOAT.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
[whooping]
What in gay hell
have I got myself into?
-[clanging]
-[screaming]
Oh, my God!
At least it's not a big pile of goat
Don't lie to my face.
So much gaslighting on this show.
Oh, this is intense, okay.
You now just embarrassed me and you
embarrassed yourself on national TV.
Jill is a fucking bitch.
GOAT Manor is on fire!
Snooki. Ah, she'd be great on this show.
How's she doing?
How many kids does she have?