The Goode Family (2009) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
Look who's got elephant dung.
They were just giving it away at the circus.
A circus? They exploiting animals! And hairy ladies! But it is for an organic garden! Being good is so hard.
Oh God, it's my dad.
Did he see us? I've got some grab from the Soul Shack.
Man, those folks can make some coloured greens.
Dad, it's collard greens.
Right, and it's coloured people.
Use your head, Helen.
It stinks out here.
I'm eating inside.
My dad is insane.
And ignorant.
And offensive.
Is it so hard for him to say "african-american"? Wait, it that what we supposed to call them now? I heared someone sweared that it's "people of colour" now.
Impossible! That is just "color people" in reverse and I know that's not right! Who decides this things? Oh, there's a big convention every year where all the minorities get together to hash these things out.
Last year they've spent most of time figuring out what's called Puff Daddy.
He'd know the answer! - Wait! You can't just ask him! - Why not? The world is a pretty simple place if you open and honest with people.
Hi, Ray! We wanted to ask you a quick question.
- Do you - Want some squash? Home grown, pesticide free! You know, I dont' eat vegetables.
And you, folks, don't eat meat.
- Meat is murder.
- Exactly, Ubuntu.
You see, Ray? We don't eat meat and dairy so we are called vegans.
- Even Che is vegan.
- A vegan dog.
Look, Che is trying to warn his squirrel friend to be careful.
Good for him.
We have so many missing animals already in this neighbourhood.
- So, about our question - As I was saying, we are called vegans, just like you and people of you background are called Nig Afr Bla - What we call Obama? - President? - But we can't call Ray that? - Ray, I like "Black".
The Goode Family Season 01 Episode 01 - "Pilot" Waste not, want not.
Guys! There's a waning moon on my birthday! That's right, Ubuntu! In two days it'll be 16 years since we welcomed you into our lives.
We wanted to do our part to fight racism and inequality in the world So, we adopted an african baby.
Turns out, we forgot to check the box and we got you from South Africa But we showed that with a lot of love and a little guidance the offspring of two criminal racist africaners could become a gentle socially conscious young man.
Yeah! So, Ubuntu! The big sixteen! - What you want for your birthday? - I wanna drive! Another driver? WWAGD? - What would Al Gore Do? - Now, Ubuntu, with greater emissions comes greater responsibility.
I cannot drive? Oh, man.
How this is for a compromise? Ubuntu can get his license, but he can only drive in an emergency.
Well, I guess But only for emergencies.
Sure! Emergencies! Fine! Come on tornado, that doesn't hurt any people or animals! Who said parenting is hard? Now on to Bliss.
"And when he wasn't looking, I sniffed his neck".
Is this about boy? No! Nothing! Look! Octomum! Come on, Bliss.
We have no secrets.
Right, Bliss? Right? Did you see that? She wouldn't even listen to me! Don't worry.
If you weren't close she wouldn't feel comfortable ignoring you like that.
I need quality time with Bliss.
Nothing brings a mother and daughter closer than shopping in a high and organic grocery store One Earth is so expensive, and it is two for Tuesday at Sav Big.
We can't shop there, they don't even have emission statement.
Come one, Bliss.
- It's so nice vegeterian - All right.
Attention, One Earth shoppers.
Check out the big board to see how you can limit the impact of your existence.
Helen! It's such a nice surprise to see you shopping here.
You always say that, Margo! Because it's always true! They're poor! Helen's husband works for my husband Kent over at the college.
With Our husbands work "with" each other.
$146.
57.
Here's a hundred and fifty dollars.
Do you have reusable bags? No Well, I mean, yes, of course! Just not with me now.
Right Do you want to buy one? It's for the Earth.
I see So what will it be? Paper? Or Plastic? Paper or plastic? Paper or plastic? Nothing.
Load me up.
I know a lot of people are comfortable shopping with reusable bags but I'm not! They're made in sweatshops.
Got rolling Bliss! Where is she? If the Declaration of Indepence was written today, it wouldn't be written, it would be a documentary.
That's why I'm documentary film maker.
Got a bunch of my work on YouTube.
Cool! Should we park? This space is a little too tie to parallel park Go park! On Saturday I've been hired by this freak group to documentary their message.
But they don't know I was on a Michael Moore.
Full 360 and giving my cam spin.
Looks like your daughter is on a Trevon's spell.
Who could blame her? Trevon? He must be the one with the neck.
She was so secretive that's teenagers fobia, aha? Oh, no! That's not how it is with my daughter Sylia.
We communicate openly and honestly and constantly! When I knew my Sylia was sexually active, because she told me, of course, I took her to the reproductive health center in campus! You think Bliss is sexually active? I don't know.
But i'm appaled that you don't know either! My daughter and I held each other and cried with happiness since the doctor measured her cervix.
You know, really it is important to be close to your daughter.
We are close! Oh, you'd better be Otherwise, who wish you going to learn about sex from? The Internet? The Pussycat Dolls? Oh, it's kinky out there, Helen Or the other extreme is even worse.
She could be influenced by some sexually repressed religious fanatics.
This is such a critical age for Bliss.
If you can't connect with her right now you could lose her forever.
No Attention One Earth shoppers: the driver and the SUV is on aisle 4.
He is wearing the baseball cap.
Dad, are you spinning toilet paper again? Your mother, accidently, bought two-ply.
But don't worry, I fixed it.
So? So you talking to Travon, eh? H-O-T-T! Hot! Are you guys serious or you just keeping it cash? But it's cool it's all cool! Sex is cool, we should just hang around about it.
Now I'm signed in? God, I hope not I gotta go to the mall, to get Ubuntu birthay's gift.
- I'll take you.
- Great.
Why are we stopping at the college? Because we tied like BFFs Fs I'm not a student here and neither is Bliss, but we are very interested in safe sex.
So embarrassing! Oh, God, there's dad! So, President Jensen, we simply need more money.
If you wanna have proportionally diversed staff, we need three more minority hires.
Or we could just fire three white guys.
Everybody wins! Gerald! Don't you sometimes wish you didn't have to deal with this whole sex thing? That you didn't have to even think? Or talk about it? Not talk about it Let me guess.
The only safe sex is no sex? - Helen? - She thought she had us.
Well, guess again.
We came to talk about sex with someone that knows something about it.
- Sex? - Oh, you want to go to a reproductive health booth.
Right over there, next to big inflated I guess that's a codom.
Oh Oh, fine Abstinence is the only proven form of birth control! Chast girls have higher GPAs! Better self esteem Fewer babies! Look, Bliss? Free samples! But I think this booth is just for students of the college.
Lucy says that anyone wanting to explore a sex-positive lifestyle is welcome.
- Mom! - "Mom"? You know you can call me Helen.
In our home it's no judgements, no shame.
One time, when Bliss was as the age of self-discovery well, we had a jacuzzi.
Bliss? Where's Bliss? I'm hungry! I don't understand, everything was going perfect! I was going tell her the story of my first orgasm.
Aha Maybe Bliss just wasn't ready for that Thank God! - Oh, dying - We'd better feed him.
Sorry, I'm late.
I went back to college.
- You went back? - You went back! Did you pick a contraceptive? Pill? No, no, diaphragm.
And condom, of course! I picked abstinence.
Oh God, they got you.
In fact, the safe sex group is having a dance this Saturnday, a Purity Ball.
We all agree to withhold our most precious gift and then have a dance where nobody has to feel any pressure about sex.
Come on, Bliss, this is ridiculous.
I mean, who would you even invite to a Purity Ball? It's a father-daughter dance.
Will you take me? - Daddy? - Ah, yes.
'The View' is on, the pretty one is saying crazy stuff again Helen, the literature is pretty impressive.
Girls, that are abstinent are more secure, healthier, and end up in better marriages.
I've got no problem with abstinence.
It's this abstinence people! They are no like us.
They wear flagpins, Gerald, and you know as well as I do what that means.
Now, come on, Helen, since the election, we can all wear flagpins.
Really? You gonna wear a flagpin? No, my point is, maybe we shouldn't be so judgemental.
Don't we always try to celebrate people's differences and learn from them? Sure, if they're like Native Americans or backwards rainforest tribes, but not these people.
It's almost time for Ubuntu's drivers test.
You wanna come along? You're teaching our son to drive and our daughter to not have sex Where did I go wrong? One hundred percent career.
I have to admit, when I saw your handwriting I did not expect that.
He is our golden boy.
I've never stopped being amazed at the things Ubuntu excels at.
Wait there seems to be a mistake here.
- Under 'ethnicity' you put africanamerican.
- Yes.
Well, yes, see, Ubuntu is africanamerican.
He is an American now, but he is from South Africa.
He isn't black.
Ah, that must be the other couple we're going with.
Couple? Gerald, don't you see how creepy it is? Bliss doesn't belong with them.
Coming.
Hi, Bliss.
Oh my God, mister Goode! Daddy, Mr.
Good is the campus administrator at GCC.
I'm so excited you are on our side.
Well, this isn't about sides, it's about fun.
Good, clean, non-incestous fun.
Flagpin! Daddy.
Bliss is with us now.
You've lost her forever, Helen.
Is this box wine? So, this is a church dance? I thought abstinence was secular.
You eggheads! I got to tell you, "Dancing with the Stars" has really improved our outreach and the quality of our dancing.
Now, Daddy, you didn't forget the ring, did you? Got it right here, sugar.
Ring? For this ceremony.
The daughters pledge our virginity, as symbolized by this ring, and then the fathers keep the rings, our virginity, until we need it back, on our wedding night.
You guys forgot your ring! No problemo, you can have this ring.
I don't want your daughter's ring.
Don't worry, Reverend Walsh will have more.
That's my virginity? And that's the Reverend.
I don't want to marry my daughter! I don't want to marry my dad! Oh God, mom was right! I know Come on, let's get out of here.
What What is it? Trevon is doing an ambush documentary, he is gonna put it on YouTube! Documentary? Oh, God! You, girls, you're saving yourselves, save yourself a space on the dancefloor for this next one! I don't believe this! I can not be seen here, I work in academia, I'll never leave this down! Try being in in high school! I am vegan, for God's sake, I reached my weirdo tipping point! None of this wouldn't happen if mom hadn't been so on me having sex.
She doesn't want you having sex.
- Really? - No None of us want you having sex.
She just wanted you to know all your options.
Ok, all we have to do is to get out of here without been filmed.
- And without getting married! - Right But we didn't drive and we are in the middle of nowhere.
We need a ride.
Allo.
Mom is drunk.
Emergency! Abstinence rocks! Ah, freaks! Yep, already done No sex for me You're my friend.
We did it.
Where's Ubuntu? Oh, hello! You work at the college, right? I would like to ask you a few questions on tape.
Oh! Trevon! Trevon! Oh! This way, Trevon! Bring your camera over here.
Look, it's a virgin from American Idol, by the water fountain.
Emergency! It's so hard to be good I just wanna be close to my daughter.
And buy organic apples And call minorities by their right name.
Is there like a big convention where all the minorities get together to decide what they want to call things? What you wear, hairstyles Like the afro.
That was a good one It's in Memphis.
I knew it! Can I go? - No.
- Of course not It was an emergency, mom! Well, maybe not the drive racing.
But Ubuntu did have to rescue us from the dance.
And someone needs to apologize - Mom - I'm sorry if I pushed you.
I just wanted us to be close, We are close enough.
There is something else you want to say? - Well - Yes.
I acted ridiculous, inappropriate, and just plain stupid.
Can you forgive me? Ok, but just don't let it happen again.
Bliss Mom, you are right.
I dont belong with those people.
Because you are active? No, I'm not that.
But if you were you'd tell me? Ew fine, if you promise to leave me alone.
Come here.
Do you think there'll be another emergency tomorrow? Well, the way people abuse Mother Earth, I'm sure there will be.
Sorry, I used so much gas, dad.
It's ok, Ubuntu.
What's important is that you feel guilty about it.
A vegan dinner for my grandsons' birthday? You deserve steaks and strippers! Come on, Ubuntu, I'm buying.
- Meat is murder! - No, son, meat is yummy! Come on, let's roll! I've got 9 extra seats in the SUV, if you wanna stretch out.
Where do I begin, dad? Ok, happy birthday! Sayonara! Well, then that leaves an extra veggie roll for Che.
Che, here boy! Where is Che?
They were just giving it away at the circus.
A circus? They exploiting animals! And hairy ladies! But it is for an organic garden! Being good is so hard.
Oh God, it's my dad.
Did he see us? I've got some grab from the Soul Shack.
Man, those folks can make some coloured greens.
Dad, it's collard greens.
Right, and it's coloured people.
Use your head, Helen.
It stinks out here.
I'm eating inside.
My dad is insane.
And ignorant.
And offensive.
Is it so hard for him to say "african-american"? Wait, it that what we supposed to call them now? I heared someone sweared that it's "people of colour" now.
Impossible! That is just "color people" in reverse and I know that's not right! Who decides this things? Oh, there's a big convention every year where all the minorities get together to hash these things out.
Last year they've spent most of time figuring out what's called Puff Daddy.
He'd know the answer! - Wait! You can't just ask him! - Why not? The world is a pretty simple place if you open and honest with people.
Hi, Ray! We wanted to ask you a quick question.
- Do you - Want some squash? Home grown, pesticide free! You know, I dont' eat vegetables.
And you, folks, don't eat meat.
- Meat is murder.
- Exactly, Ubuntu.
You see, Ray? We don't eat meat and dairy so we are called vegans.
- Even Che is vegan.
- A vegan dog.
Look, Che is trying to warn his squirrel friend to be careful.
Good for him.
We have so many missing animals already in this neighbourhood.
- So, about our question - As I was saying, we are called vegans, just like you and people of you background are called Nig Afr Bla - What we call Obama? - President? - But we can't call Ray that? - Ray, I like "Black".
The Goode Family Season 01 Episode 01 - "Pilot" Waste not, want not.
Guys! There's a waning moon on my birthday! That's right, Ubuntu! In two days it'll be 16 years since we welcomed you into our lives.
We wanted to do our part to fight racism and inequality in the world So, we adopted an african baby.
Turns out, we forgot to check the box and we got you from South Africa But we showed that with a lot of love and a little guidance the offspring of two criminal racist africaners could become a gentle socially conscious young man.
Yeah! So, Ubuntu! The big sixteen! - What you want for your birthday? - I wanna drive! Another driver? WWAGD? - What would Al Gore Do? - Now, Ubuntu, with greater emissions comes greater responsibility.
I cannot drive? Oh, man.
How this is for a compromise? Ubuntu can get his license, but he can only drive in an emergency.
Well, I guess But only for emergencies.
Sure! Emergencies! Fine! Come on tornado, that doesn't hurt any people or animals! Who said parenting is hard? Now on to Bliss.
"And when he wasn't looking, I sniffed his neck".
Is this about boy? No! Nothing! Look! Octomum! Come on, Bliss.
We have no secrets.
Right, Bliss? Right? Did you see that? She wouldn't even listen to me! Don't worry.
If you weren't close she wouldn't feel comfortable ignoring you like that.
I need quality time with Bliss.
Nothing brings a mother and daughter closer than shopping in a high and organic grocery store One Earth is so expensive, and it is two for Tuesday at Sav Big.
We can't shop there, they don't even have emission statement.
Come one, Bliss.
- It's so nice vegeterian - All right.
Attention, One Earth shoppers.
Check out the big board to see how you can limit the impact of your existence.
Helen! It's such a nice surprise to see you shopping here.
You always say that, Margo! Because it's always true! They're poor! Helen's husband works for my husband Kent over at the college.
With Our husbands work "with" each other.
$146.
57.
Here's a hundred and fifty dollars.
Do you have reusable bags? No Well, I mean, yes, of course! Just not with me now.
Right Do you want to buy one? It's for the Earth.
I see So what will it be? Paper? Or Plastic? Paper or plastic? Paper or plastic? Nothing.
Load me up.
I know a lot of people are comfortable shopping with reusable bags but I'm not! They're made in sweatshops.
Got rolling Bliss! Where is she? If the Declaration of Indepence was written today, it wouldn't be written, it would be a documentary.
That's why I'm documentary film maker.
Got a bunch of my work on YouTube.
Cool! Should we park? This space is a little too tie to parallel park Go park! On Saturday I've been hired by this freak group to documentary their message.
But they don't know I was on a Michael Moore.
Full 360 and giving my cam spin.
Looks like your daughter is on a Trevon's spell.
Who could blame her? Trevon? He must be the one with the neck.
She was so secretive that's teenagers fobia, aha? Oh, no! That's not how it is with my daughter Sylia.
We communicate openly and honestly and constantly! When I knew my Sylia was sexually active, because she told me, of course, I took her to the reproductive health center in campus! You think Bliss is sexually active? I don't know.
But i'm appaled that you don't know either! My daughter and I held each other and cried with happiness since the doctor measured her cervix.
You know, really it is important to be close to your daughter.
We are close! Oh, you'd better be Otherwise, who wish you going to learn about sex from? The Internet? The Pussycat Dolls? Oh, it's kinky out there, Helen Or the other extreme is even worse.
She could be influenced by some sexually repressed religious fanatics.
This is such a critical age for Bliss.
If you can't connect with her right now you could lose her forever.
No Attention One Earth shoppers: the driver and the SUV is on aisle 4.
He is wearing the baseball cap.
Dad, are you spinning toilet paper again? Your mother, accidently, bought two-ply.
But don't worry, I fixed it.
So? So you talking to Travon, eh? H-O-T-T! Hot! Are you guys serious or you just keeping it cash? But it's cool it's all cool! Sex is cool, we should just hang around about it.
Now I'm signed in? God, I hope not I gotta go to the mall, to get Ubuntu birthay's gift.
- I'll take you.
- Great.
Why are we stopping at the college? Because we tied like BFFs Fs I'm not a student here and neither is Bliss, but we are very interested in safe sex.
So embarrassing! Oh, God, there's dad! So, President Jensen, we simply need more money.
If you wanna have proportionally diversed staff, we need three more minority hires.
Or we could just fire three white guys.
Everybody wins! Gerald! Don't you sometimes wish you didn't have to deal with this whole sex thing? That you didn't have to even think? Or talk about it? Not talk about it Let me guess.
The only safe sex is no sex? - Helen? - She thought she had us.
Well, guess again.
We came to talk about sex with someone that knows something about it.
- Sex? - Oh, you want to go to a reproductive health booth.
Right over there, next to big inflated I guess that's a codom.
Oh Oh, fine Abstinence is the only proven form of birth control! Chast girls have higher GPAs! Better self esteem Fewer babies! Look, Bliss? Free samples! But I think this booth is just for students of the college.
Lucy says that anyone wanting to explore a sex-positive lifestyle is welcome.
- Mom! - "Mom"? You know you can call me Helen.
In our home it's no judgements, no shame.
One time, when Bliss was as the age of self-discovery well, we had a jacuzzi.
Bliss? Where's Bliss? I'm hungry! I don't understand, everything was going perfect! I was going tell her the story of my first orgasm.
Aha Maybe Bliss just wasn't ready for that Thank God! - Oh, dying - We'd better feed him.
Sorry, I'm late.
I went back to college.
- You went back? - You went back! Did you pick a contraceptive? Pill? No, no, diaphragm.
And condom, of course! I picked abstinence.
Oh God, they got you.
In fact, the safe sex group is having a dance this Saturnday, a Purity Ball.
We all agree to withhold our most precious gift and then have a dance where nobody has to feel any pressure about sex.
Come on, Bliss, this is ridiculous.
I mean, who would you even invite to a Purity Ball? It's a father-daughter dance.
Will you take me? - Daddy? - Ah, yes.
'The View' is on, the pretty one is saying crazy stuff again Helen, the literature is pretty impressive.
Girls, that are abstinent are more secure, healthier, and end up in better marriages.
I've got no problem with abstinence.
It's this abstinence people! They are no like us.
They wear flagpins, Gerald, and you know as well as I do what that means.
Now, come on, Helen, since the election, we can all wear flagpins.
Really? You gonna wear a flagpin? No, my point is, maybe we shouldn't be so judgemental.
Don't we always try to celebrate people's differences and learn from them? Sure, if they're like Native Americans or backwards rainforest tribes, but not these people.
It's almost time for Ubuntu's drivers test.
You wanna come along? You're teaching our son to drive and our daughter to not have sex Where did I go wrong? One hundred percent career.
I have to admit, when I saw your handwriting I did not expect that.
He is our golden boy.
I've never stopped being amazed at the things Ubuntu excels at.
Wait there seems to be a mistake here.
- Under 'ethnicity' you put africanamerican.
- Yes.
Well, yes, see, Ubuntu is africanamerican.
He is an American now, but he is from South Africa.
He isn't black.
Ah, that must be the other couple we're going with.
Couple? Gerald, don't you see how creepy it is? Bliss doesn't belong with them.
Coming.
Hi, Bliss.
Oh my God, mister Goode! Daddy, Mr.
Good is the campus administrator at GCC.
I'm so excited you are on our side.
Well, this isn't about sides, it's about fun.
Good, clean, non-incestous fun.
Flagpin! Daddy.
Bliss is with us now.
You've lost her forever, Helen.
Is this box wine? So, this is a church dance? I thought abstinence was secular.
You eggheads! I got to tell you, "Dancing with the Stars" has really improved our outreach and the quality of our dancing.
Now, Daddy, you didn't forget the ring, did you? Got it right here, sugar.
Ring? For this ceremony.
The daughters pledge our virginity, as symbolized by this ring, and then the fathers keep the rings, our virginity, until we need it back, on our wedding night.
You guys forgot your ring! No problemo, you can have this ring.
I don't want your daughter's ring.
Don't worry, Reverend Walsh will have more.
That's my virginity? And that's the Reverend.
I don't want to marry my daughter! I don't want to marry my dad! Oh God, mom was right! I know Come on, let's get out of here.
What What is it? Trevon is doing an ambush documentary, he is gonna put it on YouTube! Documentary? Oh, God! You, girls, you're saving yourselves, save yourself a space on the dancefloor for this next one! I don't believe this! I can not be seen here, I work in academia, I'll never leave this down! Try being in in high school! I am vegan, for God's sake, I reached my weirdo tipping point! None of this wouldn't happen if mom hadn't been so on me having sex.
She doesn't want you having sex.
- Really? - No None of us want you having sex.
She just wanted you to know all your options.
Ok, all we have to do is to get out of here without been filmed.
- And without getting married! - Right But we didn't drive and we are in the middle of nowhere.
We need a ride.
Allo.
Mom is drunk.
Emergency! Abstinence rocks! Ah, freaks! Yep, already done No sex for me You're my friend.
We did it.
Where's Ubuntu? Oh, hello! You work at the college, right? I would like to ask you a few questions on tape.
Oh! Trevon! Trevon! Oh! This way, Trevon! Bring your camera over here.
Look, it's a virgin from American Idol, by the water fountain.
Emergency! It's so hard to be good I just wanna be close to my daughter.
And buy organic apples And call minorities by their right name.
Is there like a big convention where all the minorities get together to decide what they want to call things? What you wear, hairstyles Like the afro.
That was a good one It's in Memphis.
I knew it! Can I go? - No.
- Of course not It was an emergency, mom! Well, maybe not the drive racing.
But Ubuntu did have to rescue us from the dance.
And someone needs to apologize - Mom - I'm sorry if I pushed you.
I just wanted us to be close, We are close enough.
There is something else you want to say? - Well - Yes.
I acted ridiculous, inappropriate, and just plain stupid.
Can you forgive me? Ok, but just don't let it happen again.
Bliss Mom, you are right.
I dont belong with those people.
Because you are active? No, I'm not that.
But if you were you'd tell me? Ew fine, if you promise to leave me alone.
Come here.
Do you think there'll be another emergency tomorrow? Well, the way people abuse Mother Earth, I'm sure there will be.
Sorry, I used so much gas, dad.
It's ok, Ubuntu.
What's important is that you feel guilty about it.
A vegan dinner for my grandsons' birthday? You deserve steaks and strippers! Come on, Ubuntu, I'm buying.
- Meat is murder! - No, son, meat is yummy! Come on, let's roll! I've got 9 extra seats in the SUV, if you wanna stretch out.
Where do I begin, dad? Ok, happy birthday! Sayonara! Well, then that leaves an extra veggie roll for Che.
Che, here boy! Where is Che?