The Great (2020) s01e01 Episode Script
The Great
1
UP-TEMPO PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING ♪
ANGELINE: I overheard my
father talking last night.
He said your father is a fool,
that you have practically no money,
and that you'll soon lose everything.
I don't think that's true.
We had strawberries last night.
- So?
- They are an expensive fruit,
and I always equate them
with optimism and happiness.
- God, you are a child.
- Not true.
I am to be married!
Who would marry you?
Does this crazy man know
your family situation?
- That you have nothing?
- He cares not for such matters.
Emperor Peter and I
are about finer things.
Emperor Peter?
Of Russia?
Yep.
Russia.
[CARRIAGE CREAKING]
I am to be empress of Russia, Angeline.
[SIGHS] Isn't that so
completely right?
- No!
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes!
- No.
- Da.
Nyet.
They have bears.
I may get one.
They look cute.
- ♪♪
-
♪♪
♪♪
[DOOR CLOSES]
PETER: Door!
[MEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Emperor.
You look taller in your portrait.
Send her back. Get me a tall one.
[LAUGHING]
[MEN LAUGHING]
Rich. Rich.
[SIGHS] See what I did, then?
I'm kidding. Kidding.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, I see. Um, very amusing.
Emperor Peter,
I present this branch of spruce.
It is an evergreen,
and I hope it will be a symbol
of our feelings for each other,
that we will be constant
and caring all our lives.
She gave me a twig.
She's not another inbred, is she?
It wasn't mentioned.
I assure you, I am of sound mind, sir.
I wanted to thank you for your letter.
Noble, poetic sentiments.
It, it warmed my heart.
I, too, wish the same as you.
That our love will
grow from a small ember
to a blaze that will
warm a whole kingdom.
- I wrote a letter?
- We threw a little something together.
How about that?
Well, you liked it, so that's grand.
- Welcome.
- I hope I will make you happy.
You're perfect.
I need an empress
who's from aristocracy,
but not from a family that
is powerful or a player.
- Your family, apparently, are fucked.
- Hmm.
[SNIFFS]
You smell funny. Is that usual?
I
- I have been traveling.
- Let's hope that's it.
Wedding's at seven.
Archbishop Samsa will
now give you instructions.
Boy, you're cute. I have
to get back to my whores.
Horses. Horses.
Going riding. Hmm.
[SNIFFS]
CATHERINE: He seems lovely.
Obviously some cultural
issues may be at play,
but I will soon get used to
that and we will be as one.
Hmm. Aren't you gorgeously optimistic?
It has been said.
I believe there's no other way to be.
Indeed. And how is your
relationship with the Lord our God?
We've had no trouble.
You must allow me to be
a spiritual mentor to you,
a guide touched by God.
Of course. Thank you.
ARCHBISHOP: This is Marial.
She'll be your girl.
Empress.
ARCHBISHOP: I now need to
find out if you're intact.
I'm sorry?
Whether your interior
wall has been breached.
What wall are we talking about?
- My
- It is the way of things,
a tradition for royalty.
ARCHBISHOP: Lay down.
♪♪
[LIVELY CHATTERING]
JAZZY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING ♪
Oh. Okay.
Empress. [CHUCKLES]
It is the latest from Paris.
You recognize it, no doubt?
I do not, but
I recognize it as special.
ORLO: General, stop
staring at the empress.
It will attract his attention.
VELEMENTOV: She is a vision of radiance.
- I must make my introduction.
- Bad idea.
This fucking duck is delicious.
Do you not find?
Indeed.
- Ever eaten duck as good as this, Archie?
- I have not.
- Ever eaten pussy?
- [GRIGOR CHUCKLES]
- I have not.
- Oh, God is a cruel master. [CHUCKLES]
Empress, this is Velementov,
my general in charge of
our war on the Swedes.
[SMOOCHES, MOANS]
I saw soldiers on the road on my trip.
Oh. Did they look happy?
They seemed scattered and badly wounded.
Oh shit, maybe we lost.
Velementov, you horse's bitch.
Sir, I have heard no definitive
report from the front.
However, a rider who is expected
- [VELEMENTOV GRUNTS]
- [BODY THUDS]
- [MEN SHOUTING, LAUGHING]
- MAN: Go on! Go on!
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
You are so beautiful.
It's like the sun has floated
into our court and exploded.
- Thank you.
- I am Aunt Elizabeth,
much younger sister to his
dear, long-departed mother.
You may call me Bet.
No one else may call me that.
Oh, well, some do, a few, and now you.
It is wonderful to meet you.
Be kind to him. He's a delicate soul.
- Huzzah!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
I miss my mother today.
How she would have loved this.
She was the last empress of Russia.
ALL: Huzzah!
But a toast to my new wife,
- the new empress of Russia!
- [LAUGHS]
- ALL: Huzzah!
- [GASPS]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
- It is a
- No, you don't talk, my love.
Oh. Of course.
PETER: So, a wedding gift for
my new wife seems in order.
[BEAR GROWLING]
- [APPLAUDING]
- I hope you like it.
[SQUEALS]
Oh.
[BEAR GROWLS]
CATHERINE: Thank you.
- [CATHERINE SQUEALS JOYFULLY]
- [BEAR SNORTING SOFTLY]
- PETER: Huzzah!
- ALL: Huzzah!
- PETER: Let us drink!
- [CROWD SHOUTING]
MAN: Drink! Drink!
Madam, where are the
rest of your clothes?
Oh, they're somewhere, I'm sure.
Me, a married woman,
how I dreamt of this.
Congratulations.
And did I tell you about the bear?
You did, but I am
happy to hear it again.
I once dreamed of well,
I had a vision of a bear,
and the bear embraced me,
and my heart was aflame.
And from that moment, I always
knew I'd have a great love.
[CHUCKLES] Um, madam, if I may speak.
You do know, um uh
Are you ready for tonight?
You do know what to expect?
You suppose me more naive than I am.
My mother has explained everything.
She has?
The man caresses you softly,
pressing his lips to yours.
Your breasts and skin awaken
and shiver with palpitating joy.
Between your legs quivers
and moistens with longing.
He enters you and you become one.
Your bodies meld, your souls mesh.
As a sensation takes hold of you,
you fall into a black sky filled
with the shiniest of stars.
You float for a time in ecstasy,
before waves of pleasure push
and pull you back into your body.
Your body ushers forth
yelps, and sometimes song,
before he and you explode within,
collapsing together, spent and unified.
Then, you lay together,
laughing softly,
weeping occasionally with ecstatic joy,
and finally, he wraps
his arms around you,
whispers poetry softly into your ear,
and you fall into a
[SQUEALING] delicious sleep.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY]
Yep, that's pretty much it.
- PETER: Grigor?
- It's him.
[KAZOO QUACKS]
Good luck.
- GRIGOR: Hmm? Ducks?
- [KAZOO QUACKS]
He was saying it will
bring the ducks to you,
instead of you having to find them.
- [KAZOO QUACKS]
- My dearest Peter.
But then he does it,
he blows this caller.
I don't believe it, and then Empress.
[CATHERINE GASPS]
- [GASPS]
- The fucking ducks come from everywhere,
but not like four or five, like, 50.
- That's hilarious.
- Truly comical. Fucking ducks everywhere,
and we all just started
running for cover. [CHUCKLES]
Firing like crazy,
ducks are dropping,
people are screaming.
- Oh, I'd love to see it.
- Well, we'll get him to do it again.
[PANTING] No, but this time, we will
[PETER GRUNTS, GASPS]
We'll watch from the
balcony, no danger to us.
[GROANS]
PETER: Marvelous.
Let us hope my seed has found purchase.
Have a pleasant evening, Empress.
Grigor, shall we crack
that new vodka from Kiev?
GRIGOR: Huzzah.
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
[CRICKETS CHIRRING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
CATHERINE: Love Peter.
Make him love me.
Find culture and education here.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
Are you all right, Empress?
Quite fabulous.
Last night was all all right?
As you'd imagined?
To be honest, it was brief.
Brief is often a relief.
And not as much as I had imagined.
I'm sorry, 'cause I had
thought of warning you.
It is possible I had an overly
romantic view of its unfolding.
I do that.
Well, you would not be the first.
The truth is, we do not know each other.
Our love is an ember,
a mere spark,
and I must blow on it with
the full force of my lungs,
so that it bursts
into passionate flames.
Right.
Shall you breakfast
here or in the garden?
I will breakfast with my husband.
Where's that?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I am not to be disturbed.
I will cut your throat.
I'd rather you kiss it, dear husband.
Oh, hello.
What do you want?
- Maid!
- [PETER GROANS]
Bring the emperor two raw eggs,
tomato juice, salt, pepper,
and a jigger of vodka.
- Shake and pour it into a glass.
- No.
- I like to be alone in the morning.
- I'm sure you did, but now,
we shall greet the day together,
with sunny dispositions
and fearless hearts.
Mm. Hello, dog.
[GROWLS SOFTLY]
My father liked to imbibe heavily.
This was his solution
to the morning troubles.
It has vodka in it?
[SIGHS]
[GULPING]
Huzzah!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [SIGHS]
I like it. Yes, that's better.
You are a witch.
- You must break a lot of glasses.
- Yes, I suppose we do.
Come.
Shall we perhaps picnic today?
This is Mother.
I would not bury her.
I could not bear the
thought of never seeing her.
Oh. She is pretty.
Mother, this is Catherine.
It is my honor.
She was a goddess.
Extraordinary. Powerful.
No one like her.
Strangely, I felt paralyzed
whenever she was around.
Someone should work out what goes
on between a chap and his mother.
There'd be money in that.
I suppose so.
Right. That's done.
- Where shall we go now?
- I have men's things.
- Madame Georgina Dymov.
- Emperor.
Take the empress to the other
ladies, and speak of hats.
Of course.
It may indeed be
pleasant to have a wife.
[CHUCKLES LUSTFULLY]
Yes. It is pleasant.
Velementov, come here, you fat fuck!
[LAUGHS] Come here!
Let us walk.
He is a mercurial fellow.
Deep of heart, I feel.
A curious jester.
How sweet you are.
I could put you in my mouth
and you would dissolve.
Then do not, for I am too happy.
I will be your dearest
friend and confidante.
You will need one.
Most of the women have tongues in
the shape of a cat-o'-nine-tails.
[WOMEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
WOMEN: Oh, Empress! Empress.
Oh, Empress!
WOMAN: Congratulations!
Hats have just arrived from Paris.
You must know all the latest.
On hats?
I've never been much interested in hats.
However, have any of you read
the latest Rousseau,
The Social Contract?
I have a copy if you would like.
- A delightful jest. Bravo.
- [CLAPPING]
- [POLITE LAUGHTER]
- [ALL CLAPPING]
We cannot read.
- None of you?
- It is not done.
- And seems dull.
- And time-consuming.
Anyways, more interestingly,
Captain Dostovey is seeing Lenka.
[WOMEN EXCLAIMING]
That is nice.
It is, unless you're his wife.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
Oh, there is champagne
being set outside.
Shall we roll balls on the lawn?
♪♪
[CLATTERING]
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
What happens now?
Well, they bring them back up,
and then we do it all again.
I see.
- For how long?
- All afternoon.
Empress.
You seem tired. Might I
escort you to your apartments?
Indeed.
I am.
Marial, you speak out of turn.
You must wait for the empress
or one of the ladies
of court to address you.
You cannot just speak.
You may rip my tongue from my
foolish body, dear Lady Svenska,
or try to, and we shall see
what develops from there.
Remember your place, Marial.
[SIGHS]
My apologies, ladies. Sometimes I
forget who I am.
Well, we are within our rights to
whip you to remind you if needs be.
- A bit harsh.
- GEORGINA: Marial has apologized,
are we are all reminded
of where we stand.
In time, she will adjust.
Empress, would you like Marial
to escort you to your apartments?
Indeed.
Perhaps I shall see you later.
That is the beautiful thing, my dear.
You will see us every day now.
CATHERINE: They do not read.
No wonder they're cruel and vapid.
- We must feel for them.
- It is impossible.
Do you wish to explain
the exchange on the lawn?
Not particularly.
Do it anyway.
I was, until recently,
a lady of the court.
My father fucked with the emperor,
- and so he made us all servants.
- To humiliate you?
It was uncharacteristically
clever of him.
It serves as a standing
warning to all the court,
you could wake up
tomorrow shoveling shit.
That's sad.
- [SIGHS] You best be careful, then.
- [MEN GRUNTING]
It is unfortunately
not part of my nature.
If you are a servant,
your nature's not relevant,
and your insolence will get you beaten.
I don't want that.
It is well put. I shall try.
- You, I like, very much.
- And I, you.
Inside, you are still a
lady, albeit an angry one.
STRINGED INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING ♪
[PETER MOANING SOFTLY]
- Husband.
- Wife?
Huzzah.
Stop that. Move over.
Come, Empress.
And join us. It'll be romping good fun.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Do not be
boring and have a peasant's morality.
And do not look at me as Mother
would: disdainful and hurt.
I will not fucking stand for it.
I want you in this bed. Please?
Please, make your husband happy.
Is that not what you came here to do?
Come on.
Oh. Sorry, um Grigor.
We met at the wedding.
- She is your wife.
- Yes.
And he is my emperor, and I love him.
So, that is that.
Is it not hard, though, to share?
Marriage is a struggle
on a number of levels.
I'm beginning to see that.
- [WOMEN LAUGHING]
- [BEAR GROWLS]
♪♪
[BEAR SNORTS]
[BIRDS TWITTERING]
If you spy a rabbit,
point but do not yell.
It must be an enormous
responsibility and honor
to lead a country of such import.
It's actually not that hard.
The decisions must weigh heavy.
No. Not really. I was born to rule.
- Rabbit!
- [GUNSHOT ECHOES]
Damn!
I would like to be useful to
Russia, to help its greatness.
You will bear my heirs.
There is no higher use.
You are blessed.
- Are you with child yet?
- I am not.
I must empty myself into you again soon.
- Rabbit.
- [GUNSHOT ECHOES]
Damn!
I thought perhaps I
could help in education.
There's an explosion of ideas in France.
And an explosion of syphilis in Kiev.
What?
It is a joke.
You are slow of mind and wit.
Gents, I said there is an
explosion of syphilis in Kiev.
[MEN LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
Did you roll colored
balls with the ladies?
- Mm. Briefly.
- It is a lark. What fun.
We are, in fact, modernizing
in a European way.
I have banned beards in men
under 50. It is a better look.
The big Russian beards look like
men are eating a whole beaver,
- and it will not do.
- Beards. Yes, indeed.
My question is, can
I fund a small school?
Will it stop you talking
about dull things?
And I jest, of course. Sort of.
- It will.
- If it makes you happy, you may do it.
- Talk to Bettina for funds.
- [PETER CHUCKLES]
- Let us drink.
- MEN: Yes! Huzzah!
- MAN: Huzzah!
- [MEN LAUGHING]
[SIGHS] Now let us fight.
[GRUNTING]
Come on. Fight back, fatso! And stay!
PETER: Hit me!
- [GRUNTING]
- [PETER LAUGHING]
- [GRUNTS]
- PETER: Oh. Oh!
Finally, some fight in the
military. About fucking time.
- [PETER GRUNTS]
- [MEN EXCLAIMING]
PETER [LAUGHING] Oh, Rich. Rich.
MEN [CHANTING] Peter! Peter! Peter!
- Rabbit.
- [GROANS]
UP-TEMPO PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
CATHERINE: We will paint it.
Brighten it up.
Some chairs will be brought
over from the palace.
- May I learn?
- You must.
Where is the library?
- The what?
- Well, books.
We must have books.
And perhaps we could
have talks on ideas.
GUARD 1: Like I said, 45-degree angle.
- GUARD 2: And a full arm swing?
- GUARD 1: Exactly.
Actually, I know where the books are.
- [SOBBING]
- [CLATTERING]
Shit.
- What are you reading?
- Uh, a, a book.
Uh, by a fellow, uh
a, a brilliant fellow
called René Descartes.
And you were moved?
I'm, I'm sorry.
Uh, it, it is embarrassing and unmanly.
I'm such a dickhead. Fuck.
His ideas light the mind. I told him so.
- You know him?
- I only met him the once.
He seemed sweet and smelt of cheese,
but what a mind.
Yes.
I am Count Orlo.
Orlo. A pleasure.
Pleasure.
I am seeking books to put in my school.
Your school?
The emperor has ordained
I should have a school.
I will teach women to read,
and, hopefully, talk much on Descartes.
You, sir you're welcome to help me.
[SIGHS]
PETER: So talk, Velementov.
The, uh [CLEARS THROAT] the
battle it did not go as hoped.
Fuck! Again, why are we losing? Anyone?
Anyone?
I believe I called for
a halt and a regroup.
- Uh, my opinion
- Blame!
Blame.
I would have won if what?
What, the rest of us had not an opinion?
It seems a good summation of
Velementov's rather churlish attitude.
ORLO: And yet possibly true.
His plans are often
twisted by the group,
when in fact, he is a
brilliant strategist.
Thank you, sir.
I believe Orlo will now
talk of suing for peace
as he revels in our losses.
Is that true, Orlo?
You revel in our losses?
No, sir. Um
I will stuff this marble
deep in your ass if it is.
Fuck! What do we do?
Well, the archbishop started this
war when God sent him a vision.
Perhaps he could revisit this vision
and provide more
details on how to win it.
God has called us to it. We must win it.
God is all care and no
responsibility at times.
I do not doubt the Russian fighting man,
and it is treasonous to do so.
We lost some 1,800 lives.
God damn it.
Well, how does that look?
Bad. Bad, is how, in case
anyone was wondering.
My father won battles.
He expanded the kingdom.
I also do not like all the
limbless soldiers, in the halls.
It casts a pall over the fun of a ball
when so many can't dance.
I can win this for us.
So do.
ORLO: On another matter,
uh, may I commend the emperor
on his decision to allow
the empress a school.
I make women happy, Orlo.
Sometimes they yelp like newborn
puppies. It's a lovely thing.
You should try it, if your cock
ever finds its way out of your hand,
- into a woman.
- [MEN CHUCKLING]
Uh, indeed.
- Blushing. God, you're a virgin.
- [MEN CHUCKLING]
I'd like to approve the
texts she wishes to teach.
She may bring new ideas from the West.
The French are affecting Europe's
thinking in a distressing way.
In an astounding way that
blows light into our age.
The fact that women
will be part of this,
as I believe, is a stunning
achievement for our nation
and will be celebrated across Europe.
- Women?
- What?
[FIRE ROARING, CRACKLING]
♪♪
- [MEN LAUGHING, CHATTERING]
- They burned down my school!
You must seek justice.
Wreak havoc upon them!
Oh, you did not say this
school was for girls.
- Did I not?
- PETER: No.
Yes!
- Women here cannot read.
- And they shall not.
Women are for seeding, not reading.
Huh. Pithy. [CHUCKLES] Gents,
I said women are for
seeding, not reading.
[MEN LAUGHING]
- You burned my school down.
- I did.
Well, you may go. I
forgive you, of course,
as I am of gentle
heart and massive cock.
[CHUCKLES] Gentlemen, I said I am
of gentle heart and massive cock.
- MEN: Huzzah!
- You are disgusting!
- PETER: You don't lie to me again!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- MEN: Ooh!
- Oh, you are admirably quick.
- Huh. Huzzah!
- MEN: Huzzah!
PETER: Right. Who's next? Ivan?
[MEN CHEERING]
[DOG PANTING]
Did you see Grigor carrying two
baby ducks everywhere yesterday?
Hilarious.
Nipping at vodka in
his pocket, they were.
We do not have to breakfast together.
- I wish it to bring us closer.
- How is that working?
May I read a passage from Diderot?
- Orlo found it for me.
- Orlo is a lobcock.
A smart one, and handy for the
thinking part of running the country.
And I do not care who fucks
who, as long as one fucks.
Though I suspect he
does not even do that.
What sort of a life is that?
Just musing.
- So I shall read.
- PETER: Mm.
"Man will never be free until
the last king has been strangled
with the entrails of the last priest".
Love it.
Bye.
Zeus. [WHISTLES] Come on.
Are you pregnant?
- No.
- Annoying.
Come on.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[MUTTERS] I hate you.
PETER: What the fuck's going on, Archie?
You said she was the one.
You said you'd seen it. You
said she'd make me happy.
- I
- Do I look happy? Grigor, my face.
- Oh, discontented at the minimum.
- At the fucking minimum.
Remind me of this vision.
He saw her name drawn in the sand
on a beach where Jesus was walking.
All marriages take time to
My parents' didn't, and mine should not.
You need to fix her.
I will not be [HUFFS]
- Ugly with discontent?
- Exactly.
[BALL THUDDING]
- [GRIGOR GRUNTS]
- You throw like Orlo.
ARCHBISHOP: Is it not beautiful?
Yes.
ARCHBISHOP: I'll tell you a secret.
If you look closely,
that icon is rusting,
and that one is bent at the side.
Nothing, of course, is perfect.
You refer metaphorically
to the marriage?
I liked you the moment I
Put your fingers inside me.
It was distressing for
me as it was for you.
I doubt that.
There's a way of things here.
- And a way of things with Peter.
- I have tried.
We think our hearts are spent.
God refills them if
we can but find the
- Ladle?
- Indeed.
So you would like me to try.
An unhappy emperor makes rash
decisions that affect millions.
This is bigger than
you and your happiness.
Your father has already been
through his initial payment from us
and been back for more, and
we furnished him with this,
but that tap can be turned off.
- I cannot be happy here.
- I'm not asking you that.
I'm asking you to pretend.
People underestimate
the joy in suffering.
Walk through the pain
[WHISPERING] and on the other side
joy and purity.
[GASPS]
And I do love the smell.
♪♪
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Empress.
- General?
- VELEMENTOV: I was
I saw you in the sun and I
worried for your alabaster skin.
I felt if I positioned
myself at 90 degrees,
my torso would provide shade cover.
I trust my interruption is forgivable?
I am happy in the sun.
I imagine myself floating
in the sky, far from here.
But I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
- How goes the war?
- Uh
Ups and downs.
There's some conjecture
as to the best way forward.
I fear paralysis, but, uh
We must, uh We trust
the emperor's wisdom.
Is that wise?
I
My father was in the military.
He said that to some, war
is merely a chess game,
and to others, a horror of
responsibility for the blood of men.
Where do you fall on this?
You win the chess game,
you win men's lives.
That's how I see it.
Good day. I You
look lovely again.
MARIAL: Empress!
The party!
[CHEERING, LAUGHING]
FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING ♪
Someone refill this fucking samovar.
- PETER: Explain it to me.
- It's called a sight.
Your eye falls between the two marks,
and then your target lines up with it.
- I have perfect aim, though.
- Oh, but to less perfect hunters
than your royal self, it is a boon,
and accurate up to 50 yards.
No. I don't believe it.
[GUN COCKS]
- [SHATTERS]
- [GASPING]
[CHUCKLES]
Aah! Gah!
- [SHATTERS]
- [MEN LAUGH]
Sorry, Sergei. [CHUCKLING]
[GRUNTS SOFTLY]
[ALL SNIFFING]
I prick my maid's finger, add a
few drops of blood to the cream,
and it creates this rosy hue.
GEORGINA: You lie.
There's no point owning these people
if you can't use them as you wish.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
Your wig, Madame Svenska, it's
not supposed to be like that.
They are meant to be
fitted to your heads.
They are not hats.
- Fool!
- [MAN GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
Cheer up, my darling. It is a party.
- Eat this.
- I don't
It's moose-lips mousse.
Is it not divine?
Though one cannot help but wonder,
where is the moose and
what's he doing now?
Come, my dears.
[GRUNTING]
- [GUN BLASTS]
- [MEN CHEER]
[SNUFFLING]
Shall we walk in the garden, Empress?
Yes. I could use some fresh air.
- [GUN BLASTS]
- [BEAR GROANS]
[GUESTS GASPING]
[PETER LAUGHING]
[GUESTS CHATTERING]
Oh, dear. Someone's cross.
Good shot, huh?
[CHATTERING STOPS]
[SOBBING QUIETLY]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
PETER: We've got problems, haven't we?
You are the only person
who has not loved me.
It is inconceivable to me and
says nothing good about you.
If you had shown me
an ounce of kindness,
I was ready with a heart full of love.
You look really pretty.
My heart is breaking.
I miss home.
[SNIFFLES] I'm lonely for family,
friends, fun, ideas,
strawberries.
- And I need my cock sucked.
- What?
Well, we're sharing, right, our needs?
Just let me go home, please.
That's not going to happen.
Strawberries, I'll work on.
Friends the women at court?
[SCOFFS]
Gossiping morons,
obsessed with the next
affair or dalliance.
You're so judgmental.
You might want to look at that.
I mean, you know your problem?
You have no idea how lucky you are.
- Soldiers are dying.
- Because of you.
- Serfs beaten daily.
- You could stop that.
If you would just read
these books with me,
these ideas that are sweeping Europe:
justice, humanity,
every man a valued soul.
We could rule Russia
in a different manner
No, I rule. You serve.
Is it that difficult to understand?
What happened to that happy
little girl who gave me a twig?
She died.
Seems overly dramatic.
I am mostly kind to you.
Do I beat you?
I suffer the blows
of your disdain daily.
It's not the same as
actual blows, though, is it?
- Well
- What, you don't know?
[GROANS, GASPS]
PETER: Well, compare,
and get back to me.
[GROANS]
Mother and Father never acted like this.
My mother was a saint.
I'm glad she's not alive to see this.
Not that I'm glad she's dead. I'm not.
Never. Sometimes.
Just once.
Don't look at me like that.
You're a disappointment to me, too.
I do not need a wife with a
poisonous mouth and a dry cunny.
I will shut you up at my pleasure.
- You will try and fail.
- You will be happy.
You will die here in content old age,
having given me many hours
of pleasure and service,
and many heirs.
Boys, preferably.
I do have a temper and some
rage. You cannot cross me.
Especially not in front
of others, or you will pay.
Endlessly.
And you will never win.
You'll just be in pain.
[PANTING]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Are you all right, Empress?
I would be better if I had wings.
Might I suggest vodka instead?
I'm a fool, Marial.
A great love.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I looked at myself in
the mirror and laughed
at my own stupid face this morning.
Do you want one?
I resolve to know my place.
Yet you brought two glasses.
[SIGHS]
I need you to help me escape this place.
I would be signing my own death warrant.
- A carriage is all I need.
- I'm sorry.
I cannot.
ARCHBISHOP: Sorry to startle you.
You didn't. You reek of incense.
I smelt you five minutes ago.
- How is she?
- Unhappy.
- Hmm.
- She wants to leave.
And how are you?
[SIGHS]
Learning my place.
Hmm. I doubt that'll ever happen.
♪♪
♪♪
[HORSES HOOVES CLOPPING]
[CLOPPING STOPS]
[TRUNK SCRAPES]
[SPLASHING]
[WATER SLOSHING]
[PANTING]
[GRUNTING]
[YELLS]
- [WATER GUSHING]
- [SHRIEKS]
[CATHERINE GASPING]
[PANTING AND GASPING]
[YELLING]
[BURBLING]
[WATER BURBLING]
Uh, sir
[LAUGHS]
Uh
[GASPING]
[CLATTERS]
[GASPS]
[PANTING]
[GASPING AND PANTING]
Escort the empress back.
[PANTING]
- ♪♪
-
♪♪
[DOOR OPENS]
[MARIAL GASPS]
MARIAL: Would you like a
cake with that knife, Empress?
Do not try to stop me. Just leave me be.
I would not presume to speak.
For the empress is so smart,
and book readingly,
that I'm sure her judgment is sound.
I am resolved.
Vlad will get a bucket for the blood.
Yes, miss.
CATHERINE: There is no other way.
- I am a prisoner here.
- MARIAL: Indeed.
Married to an idiot.
This has never happened
to a woman before.
Yes, but to an emperor.
- He's a madman.
- He He is one of a kind.
It is true.
Towels, too, Vlad.
There may be some overflow.
What am I to do?
Just live at someone else's whim?
God forbid, Empress.
Ever since I was a child, I felt
like greatness was in store for me.
A great life, I felt.
Like God himself had spat me
forth to land on this Earth
and in some way transform it.
That I was here for a reason, a purpose.
Why did He make you a woman, then?
For comedy, I guess.
That idea now feels like some delusion
when I'm trapped here.
Yet I felt it, Marial, in my being
deep in my bones.
MARIAL: It is not a lineage.
- What?
- MARIAL: Russia
it does not go to an heir
if there is not one.
If the emperor dies,
it goes to the empress.
What do you mean?
I'm just giving you a lesson
on how things work here.
You're also not the only unhappy one.
There are men here, unhappy,
who are looking for a leader.
And is there one?
I hope I am looking at her.
Me?
- I'm a foolish child.
- But what if you are not?
What if your vision of the bear,
and the great love,
your heart filled and glowing,
what if that great love was Russia itself?
Not Peter.
I will get coins to place on your eyes.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[WAVES SWASHING GENTLY]
♪♪
♪♪
[CLATTERS]
[WHISPERS] Huzzah.
PATTI SMITH SINGING
"EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD" ♪
Welcome to your life ♪
There's no turning back ♪
Even while we sleep ♪
We will find you ♪
Acting on your best behavior ♪
Turn your back on Mother Nature ♪
Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪♪
It's my own design ♪
It's my own remorse ♪
Help me to decide ♪
Help me make the most of freedom ♪
And of pleasure ♪
Nothing ever lasts forever ♪
Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
There's a room where
the light won't find you ♪
Holding hands while
the walls come tumbling down ♪
When they do,
I'll be right behind you ♪
So glad we've almost made it ♪
So sad they had to fade it ♪
Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪♪
UP-TEMPO PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING ♪
ANGELINE: I overheard my
father talking last night.
He said your father is a fool,
that you have practically no money,
and that you'll soon lose everything.
I don't think that's true.
We had strawberries last night.
- So?
- They are an expensive fruit,
and I always equate them
with optimism and happiness.
- God, you are a child.
- Not true.
I am to be married!
Who would marry you?
Does this crazy man know
your family situation?
- That you have nothing?
- He cares not for such matters.
Emperor Peter and I
are about finer things.
Emperor Peter?
Of Russia?
Yep.
Russia.
[CARRIAGE CREAKING]
I am to be empress of Russia, Angeline.
[SIGHS] Isn't that so
completely right?
- No!
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes!
- No.
- Da.
Nyet.
They have bears.
I may get one.
They look cute.
- ♪♪
-
♪♪
♪♪
[DOOR CLOSES]
PETER: Door!
[MEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
Emperor.
You look taller in your portrait.
Send her back. Get me a tall one.
[LAUGHING]
[MEN LAUGHING]
Rich. Rich.
[SIGHS] See what I did, then?
I'm kidding. Kidding.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, I see. Um, very amusing.
Emperor Peter,
I present this branch of spruce.
It is an evergreen,
and I hope it will be a symbol
of our feelings for each other,
that we will be constant
and caring all our lives.
She gave me a twig.
She's not another inbred, is she?
It wasn't mentioned.
I assure you, I am of sound mind, sir.
I wanted to thank you for your letter.
Noble, poetic sentiments.
It, it warmed my heart.
I, too, wish the same as you.
That our love will
grow from a small ember
to a blaze that will
warm a whole kingdom.
- I wrote a letter?
- We threw a little something together.
How about that?
Well, you liked it, so that's grand.
- Welcome.
- I hope I will make you happy.
You're perfect.
I need an empress
who's from aristocracy,
but not from a family that
is powerful or a player.
- Your family, apparently, are fucked.
- Hmm.
[SNIFFS]
You smell funny. Is that usual?
I
- I have been traveling.
- Let's hope that's it.
Wedding's at seven.
Archbishop Samsa will
now give you instructions.
Boy, you're cute. I have
to get back to my whores.
Horses. Horses.
Going riding. Hmm.
[SNIFFS]
CATHERINE: He seems lovely.
Obviously some cultural
issues may be at play,
but I will soon get used to
that and we will be as one.
Hmm. Aren't you gorgeously optimistic?
It has been said.
I believe there's no other way to be.
Indeed. And how is your
relationship with the Lord our God?
We've had no trouble.
You must allow me to be
a spiritual mentor to you,
a guide touched by God.
Of course. Thank you.
ARCHBISHOP: This is Marial.
She'll be your girl.
Empress.
ARCHBISHOP: I now need to
find out if you're intact.
I'm sorry?
Whether your interior
wall has been breached.
What wall are we talking about?
- My
- It is the way of things,
a tradition for royalty.
ARCHBISHOP: Lay down.
♪♪
[LIVELY CHATTERING]
JAZZY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING ♪
Oh. Okay.
Empress. [CHUCKLES]
It is the latest from Paris.
You recognize it, no doubt?
I do not, but
I recognize it as special.
ORLO: General, stop
staring at the empress.
It will attract his attention.
VELEMENTOV: She is a vision of radiance.
- I must make my introduction.
- Bad idea.
This fucking duck is delicious.
Do you not find?
Indeed.
- Ever eaten duck as good as this, Archie?
- I have not.
- Ever eaten pussy?
- [GRIGOR CHUCKLES]
- I have not.
- Oh, God is a cruel master. [CHUCKLES]
Empress, this is Velementov,
my general in charge of
our war on the Swedes.
[SMOOCHES, MOANS]
I saw soldiers on the road on my trip.
Oh. Did they look happy?
They seemed scattered and badly wounded.
Oh shit, maybe we lost.
Velementov, you horse's bitch.
Sir, I have heard no definitive
report from the front.
However, a rider who is expected
- [VELEMENTOV GRUNTS]
- [BODY THUDS]
- [MEN SHOUTING, LAUGHING]
- MAN: Go on! Go on!
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
You are so beautiful.
It's like the sun has floated
into our court and exploded.
- Thank you.
- I am Aunt Elizabeth,
much younger sister to his
dear, long-departed mother.
You may call me Bet.
No one else may call me that.
Oh, well, some do, a few, and now you.
It is wonderful to meet you.
Be kind to him. He's a delicate soul.
- Huzzah!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
I miss my mother today.
How she would have loved this.
She was the last empress of Russia.
ALL: Huzzah!
But a toast to my new wife,
- the new empress of Russia!
- [LAUGHS]
- ALL: Huzzah!
- [GASPS]
[GLASS SHATTERING]
- It is a
- No, you don't talk, my love.
Oh. Of course.
PETER: So, a wedding gift for
my new wife seems in order.
[BEAR GROWLING]
- [APPLAUDING]
- I hope you like it.
[SQUEALS]
Oh.
[BEAR GROWLS]
CATHERINE: Thank you.
- [CATHERINE SQUEALS JOYFULLY]
- [BEAR SNORTING SOFTLY]
- PETER: Huzzah!
- ALL: Huzzah!
- PETER: Let us drink!
- [CROWD SHOUTING]
MAN: Drink! Drink!
Madam, where are the
rest of your clothes?
Oh, they're somewhere, I'm sure.
Me, a married woman,
how I dreamt of this.
Congratulations.
And did I tell you about the bear?
You did, but I am
happy to hear it again.
I once dreamed of well,
I had a vision of a bear,
and the bear embraced me,
and my heart was aflame.
And from that moment, I always
knew I'd have a great love.
[CHUCKLES] Um, madam, if I may speak.
You do know, um uh
Are you ready for tonight?
You do know what to expect?
You suppose me more naive than I am.
My mother has explained everything.
She has?
The man caresses you softly,
pressing his lips to yours.
Your breasts and skin awaken
and shiver with palpitating joy.
Between your legs quivers
and moistens with longing.
He enters you and you become one.
Your bodies meld, your souls mesh.
As a sensation takes hold of you,
you fall into a black sky filled
with the shiniest of stars.
You float for a time in ecstasy,
before waves of pleasure push
and pull you back into your body.
Your body ushers forth
yelps, and sometimes song,
before he and you explode within,
collapsing together, spent and unified.
Then, you lay together,
laughing softly,
weeping occasionally with ecstatic joy,
and finally, he wraps
his arms around you,
whispers poetry softly into your ear,
and you fall into a
[SQUEALING] delicious sleep.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY]
Yep, that's pretty much it.
- PETER: Grigor?
- It's him.
[KAZOO QUACKS]
Good luck.
- GRIGOR: Hmm? Ducks?
- [KAZOO QUACKS]
He was saying it will
bring the ducks to you,
instead of you having to find them.
- [KAZOO QUACKS]
- My dearest Peter.
But then he does it,
he blows this caller.
I don't believe it, and then Empress.
[CATHERINE GASPS]
- [GASPS]
- The fucking ducks come from everywhere,
but not like four or five, like, 50.
- That's hilarious.
- Truly comical. Fucking ducks everywhere,
and we all just started
running for cover. [CHUCKLES]
Firing like crazy,
ducks are dropping,
people are screaming.
- Oh, I'd love to see it.
- Well, we'll get him to do it again.
[PANTING] No, but this time, we will
[PETER GRUNTS, GASPS]
We'll watch from the
balcony, no danger to us.
[GROANS]
PETER: Marvelous.
Let us hope my seed has found purchase.
Have a pleasant evening, Empress.
Grigor, shall we crack
that new vodka from Kiev?
GRIGOR: Huzzah.
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
[CRICKETS CHIRRING]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
CATHERINE: Love Peter.
Make him love me.
Find culture and education here.
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACH]
Are you all right, Empress?
Quite fabulous.
Last night was all all right?
As you'd imagined?
To be honest, it was brief.
Brief is often a relief.
And not as much as I had imagined.
I'm sorry, 'cause I had
thought of warning you.
It is possible I had an overly
romantic view of its unfolding.
I do that.
Well, you would not be the first.
The truth is, we do not know each other.
Our love is an ember,
a mere spark,
and I must blow on it with
the full force of my lungs,
so that it bursts
into passionate flames.
Right.
Shall you breakfast
here or in the garden?
I will breakfast with my husband.
Where's that?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
I am not to be disturbed.
I will cut your throat.
I'd rather you kiss it, dear husband.
Oh, hello.
What do you want?
- Maid!
- [PETER GROANS]
Bring the emperor two raw eggs,
tomato juice, salt, pepper,
and a jigger of vodka.
- Shake and pour it into a glass.
- No.
- I like to be alone in the morning.
- I'm sure you did, but now,
we shall greet the day together,
with sunny dispositions
and fearless hearts.
Mm. Hello, dog.
[GROWLS SOFTLY]
My father liked to imbibe heavily.
This was his solution
to the morning troubles.
It has vodka in it?
[SIGHS]
[GULPING]
Huzzah!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- [SIGHS]
I like it. Yes, that's better.
You are a witch.
- You must break a lot of glasses.
- Yes, I suppose we do.
Come.
Shall we perhaps picnic today?
This is Mother.
I would not bury her.
I could not bear the
thought of never seeing her.
Oh. She is pretty.
Mother, this is Catherine.
It is my honor.
She was a goddess.
Extraordinary. Powerful.
No one like her.
Strangely, I felt paralyzed
whenever she was around.
Someone should work out what goes
on between a chap and his mother.
There'd be money in that.
I suppose so.
Right. That's done.
- Where shall we go now?
- I have men's things.
- Madame Georgina Dymov.
- Emperor.
Take the empress to the other
ladies, and speak of hats.
Of course.
It may indeed be
pleasant to have a wife.
[CHUCKLES LUSTFULLY]
Yes. It is pleasant.
Velementov, come here, you fat fuck!
[LAUGHS] Come here!
Let us walk.
He is a mercurial fellow.
Deep of heart, I feel.
A curious jester.
How sweet you are.
I could put you in my mouth
and you would dissolve.
Then do not, for I am too happy.
I will be your dearest
friend and confidante.
You will need one.
Most of the women have tongues in
the shape of a cat-o'-nine-tails.
[WOMEN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
WOMEN: Oh, Empress! Empress.
Oh, Empress!
WOMAN: Congratulations!
Hats have just arrived from Paris.
You must know all the latest.
On hats?
I've never been much interested in hats.
However, have any of you read
the latest Rousseau,
The Social Contract?
I have a copy if you would like.
- A delightful jest. Bravo.
- [CLAPPING]
- [POLITE LAUGHTER]
- [ALL CLAPPING]
We cannot read.
- None of you?
- It is not done.
- And seems dull.
- And time-consuming.
Anyways, more interestingly,
Captain Dostovey is seeing Lenka.
[WOMEN EXCLAIMING]
That is nice.
It is, unless you're his wife.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
Oh, there is champagne
being set outside.
Shall we roll balls on the lawn?
♪♪
[CLATTERING]
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
What happens now?
Well, they bring them back up,
and then we do it all again.
I see.
- For how long?
- All afternoon.
Empress.
You seem tired. Might I
escort you to your apartments?
Indeed.
I am.
Marial, you speak out of turn.
You must wait for the empress
or one of the ladies
of court to address you.
You cannot just speak.
You may rip my tongue from my
foolish body, dear Lady Svenska,
or try to, and we shall see
what develops from there.
Remember your place, Marial.
[SIGHS]
My apologies, ladies. Sometimes I
forget who I am.
Well, we are within our rights to
whip you to remind you if needs be.
- A bit harsh.
- GEORGINA: Marial has apologized,
are we are all reminded
of where we stand.
In time, she will adjust.
Empress, would you like Marial
to escort you to your apartments?
Indeed.
Perhaps I shall see you later.
That is the beautiful thing, my dear.
You will see us every day now.
CATHERINE: They do not read.
No wonder they're cruel and vapid.
- We must feel for them.
- It is impossible.
Do you wish to explain
the exchange on the lawn?
Not particularly.
Do it anyway.
I was, until recently,
a lady of the court.
My father fucked with the emperor,
- and so he made us all servants.
- To humiliate you?
It was uncharacteristically
clever of him.
It serves as a standing
warning to all the court,
you could wake up
tomorrow shoveling shit.
That's sad.
- [SIGHS] You best be careful, then.
- [MEN GRUNTING]
It is unfortunately
not part of my nature.
If you are a servant,
your nature's not relevant,
and your insolence will get you beaten.
I don't want that.
It is well put. I shall try.
- You, I like, very much.
- And I, you.
Inside, you are still a
lady, albeit an angry one.
STRINGED INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING ♪
[PETER MOANING SOFTLY]
- Husband.
- Wife?
Huzzah.
Stop that. Move over.
Come, Empress.
And join us. It'll be romping good fun.
Oh, for fuck's sake. Do not be
boring and have a peasant's morality.
And do not look at me as Mother
would: disdainful and hurt.
I will not fucking stand for it.
I want you in this bed. Please?
Please, make your husband happy.
Is that not what you came here to do?
Come on.
Oh. Sorry, um Grigor.
We met at the wedding.
- She is your wife.
- Yes.
And he is my emperor, and I love him.
So, that is that.
Is it not hard, though, to share?
Marriage is a struggle
on a number of levels.
I'm beginning to see that.
- [WOMEN LAUGHING]
- [BEAR GROWLS]
♪♪
[BEAR SNORTS]
[BIRDS TWITTERING]
If you spy a rabbit,
point but do not yell.
It must be an enormous
responsibility and honor
to lead a country of such import.
It's actually not that hard.
The decisions must weigh heavy.
No. Not really. I was born to rule.
- Rabbit!
- [GUNSHOT ECHOES]
Damn!
I would like to be useful to
Russia, to help its greatness.
You will bear my heirs.
There is no higher use.
You are blessed.
- Are you with child yet?
- I am not.
I must empty myself into you again soon.
- Rabbit.
- [GUNSHOT ECHOES]
Damn!
I thought perhaps I
could help in education.
There's an explosion of ideas in France.
And an explosion of syphilis in Kiev.
What?
It is a joke.
You are slow of mind and wit.
Gents, I said there is an
explosion of syphilis in Kiev.
[MEN LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY]
Did you roll colored
balls with the ladies?
- Mm. Briefly.
- It is a lark. What fun.
We are, in fact, modernizing
in a European way.
I have banned beards in men
under 50. It is a better look.
The big Russian beards look like
men are eating a whole beaver,
- and it will not do.
- Beards. Yes, indeed.
My question is, can
I fund a small school?
Will it stop you talking
about dull things?
And I jest, of course. Sort of.
- It will.
- If it makes you happy, you may do it.
- Talk to Bettina for funds.
- [PETER CHUCKLES]
- Let us drink.
- MEN: Yes! Huzzah!
- MAN: Huzzah!
- [MEN LAUGHING]
[SIGHS] Now let us fight.
[GRUNTING]
Come on. Fight back, fatso! And stay!
PETER: Hit me!
- [GRUNTING]
- [PETER LAUGHING]
- [GRUNTS]
- PETER: Oh. Oh!
Finally, some fight in the
military. About fucking time.
- [PETER GRUNTS]
- [MEN EXCLAIMING]
PETER [LAUGHING] Oh, Rich. Rich.
MEN [CHANTING] Peter! Peter! Peter!
- Rabbit.
- [GROANS]
UP-TEMPO PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYING ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
CATHERINE: We will paint it.
Brighten it up.
Some chairs will be brought
over from the palace.
- May I learn?
- You must.
Where is the library?
- The what?
- Well, books.
We must have books.
And perhaps we could
have talks on ideas.
GUARD 1: Like I said, 45-degree angle.
- GUARD 2: And a full arm swing?
- GUARD 1: Exactly.
Actually, I know where the books are.
- [SOBBING]
- [CLATTERING]
Shit.
- What are you reading?
- Uh, a, a book.
Uh, by a fellow, uh
a, a brilliant fellow
called René Descartes.
And you were moved?
I'm, I'm sorry.
Uh, it, it is embarrassing and unmanly.
I'm such a dickhead. Fuck.
His ideas light the mind. I told him so.
- You know him?
- I only met him the once.
He seemed sweet and smelt of cheese,
but what a mind.
Yes.
I am Count Orlo.
Orlo. A pleasure.
Pleasure.
I am seeking books to put in my school.
Your school?
The emperor has ordained
I should have a school.
I will teach women to read,
and, hopefully, talk much on Descartes.
You, sir you're welcome to help me.
[SIGHS]
PETER: So talk, Velementov.
The, uh [CLEARS THROAT] the
battle it did not go as hoped.
Fuck! Again, why are we losing? Anyone?
Anyone?
I believe I called for
a halt and a regroup.
- Uh, my opinion
- Blame!
Blame.
I would have won if what?
What, the rest of us had not an opinion?
It seems a good summation of
Velementov's rather churlish attitude.
ORLO: And yet possibly true.
His plans are often
twisted by the group,
when in fact, he is a
brilliant strategist.
Thank you, sir.
I believe Orlo will now
talk of suing for peace
as he revels in our losses.
Is that true, Orlo?
You revel in our losses?
No, sir. Um
I will stuff this marble
deep in your ass if it is.
Fuck! What do we do?
Well, the archbishop started this
war when God sent him a vision.
Perhaps he could revisit this vision
and provide more
details on how to win it.
God has called us to it. We must win it.
God is all care and no
responsibility at times.
I do not doubt the Russian fighting man,
and it is treasonous to do so.
We lost some 1,800 lives.
God damn it.
Well, how does that look?
Bad. Bad, is how, in case
anyone was wondering.
My father won battles.
He expanded the kingdom.
I also do not like all the
limbless soldiers, in the halls.
It casts a pall over the fun of a ball
when so many can't dance.
I can win this for us.
So do.
ORLO: On another matter,
uh, may I commend the emperor
on his decision to allow
the empress a school.
I make women happy, Orlo.
Sometimes they yelp like newborn
puppies. It's a lovely thing.
You should try it, if your cock
ever finds its way out of your hand,
- into a woman.
- [MEN CHUCKLING]
Uh, indeed.
- Blushing. God, you're a virgin.
- [MEN CHUCKLING]
I'd like to approve the
texts she wishes to teach.
She may bring new ideas from the West.
The French are affecting Europe's
thinking in a distressing way.
In an astounding way that
blows light into our age.
The fact that women
will be part of this,
as I believe, is a stunning
achievement for our nation
and will be celebrated across Europe.
- Women?
- What?
[FIRE ROARING, CRACKLING]
♪♪
- [MEN LAUGHING, CHATTERING]
- They burned down my school!
You must seek justice.
Wreak havoc upon them!
Oh, you did not say this
school was for girls.
- Did I not?
- PETER: No.
Yes!
- Women here cannot read.
- And they shall not.
Women are for seeding, not reading.
Huh. Pithy. [CHUCKLES] Gents,
I said women are for
seeding, not reading.
[MEN LAUGHING]
- You burned my school down.
- I did.
Well, you may go. I
forgive you, of course,
as I am of gentle
heart and massive cock.
[CHUCKLES] Gentlemen, I said I am
of gentle heart and massive cock.
- MEN: Huzzah!
- You are disgusting!
- PETER: You don't lie to me again!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- MEN: Ooh!
- Oh, you are admirably quick.
- Huh. Huzzah!
- MEN: Huzzah!
PETER: Right. Who's next? Ivan?
[MEN CHEERING]
[DOG PANTING]
Did you see Grigor carrying two
baby ducks everywhere yesterday?
Hilarious.
Nipping at vodka in
his pocket, they were.
We do not have to breakfast together.
- I wish it to bring us closer.
- How is that working?
May I read a passage from Diderot?
- Orlo found it for me.
- Orlo is a lobcock.
A smart one, and handy for the
thinking part of running the country.
And I do not care who fucks
who, as long as one fucks.
Though I suspect he
does not even do that.
What sort of a life is that?
Just musing.
- So I shall read.
- PETER: Mm.
"Man will never be free until
the last king has been strangled
with the entrails of the last priest".
Love it.
Bye.
Zeus. [WHISTLES] Come on.
Are you pregnant?
- No.
- Annoying.
Come on.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[MUTTERS] I hate you.
PETER: What the fuck's going on, Archie?
You said she was the one.
You said you'd seen it. You
said she'd make me happy.
- I
- Do I look happy? Grigor, my face.
- Oh, discontented at the minimum.
- At the fucking minimum.
Remind me of this vision.
He saw her name drawn in the sand
on a beach where Jesus was walking.
All marriages take time to
My parents' didn't, and mine should not.
You need to fix her.
I will not be [HUFFS]
- Ugly with discontent?
- Exactly.
[BALL THUDDING]
- [GRIGOR GRUNTS]
- You throw like Orlo.
ARCHBISHOP: Is it not beautiful?
Yes.
ARCHBISHOP: I'll tell you a secret.
If you look closely,
that icon is rusting,
and that one is bent at the side.
Nothing, of course, is perfect.
You refer metaphorically
to the marriage?
I liked you the moment I
Put your fingers inside me.
It was distressing for
me as it was for you.
I doubt that.
There's a way of things here.
- And a way of things with Peter.
- I have tried.
We think our hearts are spent.
God refills them if
we can but find the
- Ladle?
- Indeed.
So you would like me to try.
An unhappy emperor makes rash
decisions that affect millions.
This is bigger than
you and your happiness.
Your father has already been
through his initial payment from us
and been back for more, and
we furnished him with this,
but that tap can be turned off.
- I cannot be happy here.
- I'm not asking you that.
I'm asking you to pretend.
People underestimate
the joy in suffering.
Walk through the pain
[WHISPERING] and on the other side
joy and purity.
[GASPS]
And I do love the smell.
♪♪
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Empress.
- General?
- VELEMENTOV: I was
I saw you in the sun and I
worried for your alabaster skin.
I felt if I positioned
myself at 90 degrees,
my torso would provide shade cover.
I trust my interruption is forgivable?
I am happy in the sun.
I imagine myself floating
in the sky, far from here.
But I appreciate your thoughtfulness.
- How goes the war?
- Uh
Ups and downs.
There's some conjecture
as to the best way forward.
I fear paralysis, but, uh
We must, uh We trust
the emperor's wisdom.
Is that wise?
I
My father was in the military.
He said that to some, war
is merely a chess game,
and to others, a horror of
responsibility for the blood of men.
Where do you fall on this?
You win the chess game,
you win men's lives.
That's how I see it.
Good day. I You
look lovely again.
MARIAL: Empress!
The party!
[CHEERING, LAUGHING]
FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING ♪
Someone refill this fucking samovar.
- PETER: Explain it to me.
- It's called a sight.
Your eye falls between the two marks,
and then your target lines up with it.
- I have perfect aim, though.
- Oh, but to less perfect hunters
than your royal self, it is a boon,
and accurate up to 50 yards.
No. I don't believe it.
[GUN COCKS]
- [SHATTERS]
- [GASPING]
[CHUCKLES]
Aah! Gah!
- [SHATTERS]
- [MEN LAUGH]
Sorry, Sergei. [CHUCKLING]
[GRUNTS SOFTLY]
[ALL SNIFFING]
I prick my maid's finger, add a
few drops of blood to the cream,
and it creates this rosy hue.
GEORGINA: You lie.
There's no point owning these people
if you can't use them as you wish.
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
Your wig, Madame Svenska, it's
not supposed to be like that.
They are meant to be
fitted to your heads.
They are not hats.
- Fool!
- [MAN GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
Cheer up, my darling. It is a party.
- Eat this.
- I don't
It's moose-lips mousse.
Is it not divine?
Though one cannot help but wonder,
where is the moose and
what's he doing now?
Come, my dears.
[GRUNTING]
- [GUN BLASTS]
- [MEN CHEER]
[SNUFFLING]
Shall we walk in the garden, Empress?
Yes. I could use some fresh air.
- [GUN BLASTS]
- [BEAR GROANS]
[GUESTS GASPING]
[PETER LAUGHING]
[GUESTS CHATTERING]
Oh, dear. Someone's cross.
Good shot, huh?
[CHATTERING STOPS]
[SOBBING QUIETLY]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
PETER: We've got problems, haven't we?
You are the only person
who has not loved me.
It is inconceivable to me and
says nothing good about you.
If you had shown me
an ounce of kindness,
I was ready with a heart full of love.
You look really pretty.
My heart is breaking.
I miss home.
[SNIFFLES] I'm lonely for family,
friends, fun, ideas,
strawberries.
- And I need my cock sucked.
- What?
Well, we're sharing, right, our needs?
Just let me go home, please.
That's not going to happen.
Strawberries, I'll work on.
Friends the women at court?
[SCOFFS]
Gossiping morons,
obsessed with the next
affair or dalliance.
You're so judgmental.
You might want to look at that.
I mean, you know your problem?
You have no idea how lucky you are.
- Soldiers are dying.
- Because of you.
- Serfs beaten daily.
- You could stop that.
If you would just read
these books with me,
these ideas that are sweeping Europe:
justice, humanity,
every man a valued soul.
We could rule Russia
in a different manner
No, I rule. You serve.
Is it that difficult to understand?
What happened to that happy
little girl who gave me a twig?
She died.
Seems overly dramatic.
I am mostly kind to you.
Do I beat you?
I suffer the blows
of your disdain daily.
It's not the same as
actual blows, though, is it?
- Well
- What, you don't know?
[GROANS, GASPS]
PETER: Well, compare,
and get back to me.
[GROANS]
Mother and Father never acted like this.
My mother was a saint.
I'm glad she's not alive to see this.
Not that I'm glad she's dead. I'm not.
Never. Sometimes.
Just once.
Don't look at me like that.
You're a disappointment to me, too.
I do not need a wife with a
poisonous mouth and a dry cunny.
I will shut you up at my pleasure.
- You will try and fail.
- You will be happy.
You will die here in content old age,
having given me many hours
of pleasure and service,
and many heirs.
Boys, preferably.
I do have a temper and some
rage. You cannot cross me.
Especially not in front
of others, or you will pay.
Endlessly.
And you will never win.
You'll just be in pain.
[PANTING]
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Are you all right, Empress?
I would be better if I had wings.
Might I suggest vodka instead?
I'm a fool, Marial.
A great love.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
I looked at myself in
the mirror and laughed
at my own stupid face this morning.
Do you want one?
I resolve to know my place.
Yet you brought two glasses.
[SIGHS]
I need you to help me escape this place.
I would be signing my own death warrant.
- A carriage is all I need.
- I'm sorry.
I cannot.
ARCHBISHOP: Sorry to startle you.
You didn't. You reek of incense.
I smelt you five minutes ago.
- How is she?
- Unhappy.
- Hmm.
- She wants to leave.
And how are you?
[SIGHS]
Learning my place.
Hmm. I doubt that'll ever happen.
♪♪
♪♪
[HORSES HOOVES CLOPPING]
[CLOPPING STOPS]
[TRUNK SCRAPES]
[SPLASHING]
[WATER SLOSHING]
[PANTING]
[GRUNTING]
[YELLS]
- [WATER GUSHING]
- [SHRIEKS]
[CATHERINE GASPING]
[PANTING AND GASPING]
[YELLING]
[BURBLING]
[WATER BURBLING]
Uh, sir
[LAUGHS]
Uh
[GASPING]
[CLATTERS]
[GASPS]
[PANTING]
[GASPING AND PANTING]
Escort the empress back.
[PANTING]
- ♪♪
-
♪♪
[DOOR OPENS]
[MARIAL GASPS]
MARIAL: Would you like a
cake with that knife, Empress?
Do not try to stop me. Just leave me be.
I would not presume to speak.
For the empress is so smart,
and book readingly,
that I'm sure her judgment is sound.
I am resolved.
Vlad will get a bucket for the blood.
Yes, miss.
CATHERINE: There is no other way.
- I am a prisoner here.
- MARIAL: Indeed.
Married to an idiot.
This has never happened
to a woman before.
Yes, but to an emperor.
- He's a madman.
- He He is one of a kind.
It is true.
Towels, too, Vlad.
There may be some overflow.
What am I to do?
Just live at someone else's whim?
God forbid, Empress.
Ever since I was a child, I felt
like greatness was in store for me.
A great life, I felt.
Like God himself had spat me
forth to land on this Earth
and in some way transform it.
That I was here for a reason, a purpose.
Why did He make you a woman, then?
For comedy, I guess.
That idea now feels like some delusion
when I'm trapped here.
Yet I felt it, Marial, in my being
deep in my bones.
MARIAL: It is not a lineage.
- What?
- MARIAL: Russia
it does not go to an heir
if there is not one.
If the emperor dies,
it goes to the empress.
What do you mean?
I'm just giving you a lesson
on how things work here.
You're also not the only unhappy one.
There are men here, unhappy,
who are looking for a leader.
And is there one?
I hope I am looking at her.
Me?
- I'm a foolish child.
- But what if you are not?
What if your vision of the bear,
and the great love,
your heart filled and glowing,
what if that great love was Russia itself?
Not Peter.
I will get coins to place on your eyes.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[WAVES SWASHING GENTLY]
♪♪
♪♪
[CLATTERS]
[WHISPERS] Huzzah.
PATTI SMITH SINGING
"EVERYBODY WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD" ♪
Welcome to your life ♪
There's no turning back ♪
Even while we sleep ♪
We will find you ♪
Acting on your best behavior ♪
Turn your back on Mother Nature ♪
Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪♪
It's my own design ♪
It's my own remorse ♪
Help me to decide ♪
Help me make the most of freedom ♪
And of pleasure ♪
Nothing ever lasts forever ♪
Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
There's a room where
the light won't find you ♪
Holding hands while
the walls come tumbling down ♪
When they do,
I'll be right behind you ♪
So glad we've almost made it ♪
So sad they had to fade it ♪
Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
♪♪