The Great Indian Kapil Show (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Ladies and gentlemen, we welcome you
to Netflix flight number KS 2024.
Come on!
Yeah! Thank you!
-Kapil! Kapil! Kapil!
-Thank you!
Kapil! Kapil! Kapil!
Good evening and welcome
to The Great Indian Kapil Show!
Thank you! Thank you so much!
-Kapil! Kapil!
-Thank you.
Please take your seats.
Archana ji, what are your thoughts
on my café?
Mind-blowing!
Thank you.
-But tell me one thing.
-Yes.
How did you think of setting up
your shop at the airport?
Just like you always think of
setting up your chair in front of my shop.
-That's how I thought of it!
-I see.
And how dare you call it a shop?
Am I running a roadside food joint
in Shastri Nagar?
This is a café. Kaps Café.
-Oh! Kaps Café!
-Yeah, we're on Netflix!
Change your vocabulary, baby!
Now, we are coming in
more than 192 countries.
-Wow!
-Yes. My café is a hit, Archana ji.
Because I have my mother's blessings.
Let me explain it
to my all international fans,
including Spanish, Russian, and Japanese.
In India, anything auspicious
always begins
with our mother's blessings
and our father's money.
You see, we came into this world
with our mother's blessings.
A mother teaches her children
how to speak.
She also stops their father from speaking,
but that's a different thing.
In addition to our parents, we have
a whole buffet of relatives here in India.
Like chacha-chachi, taya-tayi,
mausa-mausi, bua-fufa,
devrani-jethani, saas-sasur,
samdhi-samdhan,
jija-saala, chacha-bhatija,
mama-bhanja, sadhu-saali.
There are so many relationships.
Even if children don't go to school,
they can learn the alphabet
by memorizing these relationships.
The English are lucky in this case.
They sum up everything
with just cousin, uncle, and aunt.
In our country,
families share a thick bond.
If something is fit for the entire family,
then it's a hit in India.
For example, our show.
-Everyone watches it together.
-Absolutely!
The entire family can gather around
and watch it together.
There are several shows
which parents watch by themselves,
and that kids watch by themselves.
Often when parents watch a show,
they find it in the "continue watching"
section and it's already halfway through.
-They get frustrated.
-"Who's watching?"
They wonder whether the children
are growing up too fast,
or the elders are recharging themselves!
You never know!
Because in India,
three generations live together.
Son and daughter-in-law,
their parents, and grandparents.
And not just them,
we treat the whole world as our family.
That's why there's a saying,
"Vasudhaiva Kutumbakam."
-That's right.
-We welcome everyone with open arms.
Our culture says, "Atithi Devo Bhava."
We not only warmly welcome guests
who come with letters and gifts,
but also those who sneak
into our country beneath the wires.
That reminds me!
For the inauguration of my café,
we have invited a great family
from our film industry,
who have been entertaining
the entire world for several generations.
So, let's have a huge round of applause
for the superstar Mr. Ranbir Kapoor,
Mrs. Riddhima Kapoor Sahni,
and their mother,
the extremely beautiful and talented,
Neetu Singh Kapoor!
Hi, Riddhima! Welcome!
Paaji!
Come on!
Thank you very much! Thank you!
A big round of applause for them!
Thank you.
A big round of applause
for the Kapoor family!
Neetu ji, Riddhima, Ranbir paaji,
welcome to the show!
-Thank you.
-You guys look lovely.
They look like they've descended
from the moon.
-All three of us.
-Archana ji, you look great too.
You look like
Ranbir Kapoor's real girlfriend.
Neetu, forgive me,
but this is a huge compliment to me.
Friends, as you all know,
today is the inauguration of our café.
So, who could be better
than Ranbir, Riddhima and Neetu ji
for the inauguration?
-Come. You too.
-Yes. You do it.
We'll do it together. Ready?
Congratulations to all of you!
Thank you, ma'am.
-Congratulations!
-Thank you, Riddhima.
Paaji, I would like to say that
today is a historic day.
Kapil Sharma, who is
a once-in-a-generation talent,
is coming with his show on Netflix.
So, I wanted to pay my respects.
Now, since you're dressed like
the black background of Netflix's logo
and I'm dressed as the red N
from their logo
-Please hold this. You come over here.
-Sure.
Come forward. And you guys say "Tudum."
One, two, three. Tudum!
Tudum!
Thank you, Ranbir paaji!
Please have a seat, paaji.
Welcome to the show.
Paaji, you've done the inauguration,
but if some lady comes up to you
and asks 11 or 21 lakh rupees
for good luck,
please ignore her.
Look, Archana ji has put up
her QR code back there.
It's right there.
That was her only contribution.
We do all the hard work,
and she gets all the money.
It's called talent.
Neetu ji, how do you like my café
that I have started at the airport?
Beautiful. It feels like
we are at the airport.
-This is the airport.
-Airport café.
Look, there's an airplane over there.
You'll be catching that flight later.
So, Ranbir paaji, did you have any problem
getting here on your charter flight?
Sir, I never charter
I've never flown on a charter flight
using my own money.
I only travel on charter flights
that my producers arrange for me.
I don't spend my own money
on charter flights.
I figured since Animal raked in
all this money
Firstly, a huge round of applause.
I thought since it was such a grand hit,
you must have bought some charter flights.
-Bought charter flights!
-And the advantages of having
a charter flight were shown to us
in great detail during the film.
But he's so so cute.
He put the plane on autopilot
and gave his passenger
a personalized service.
This shows how "down-to-floor" he is.
-Down-to-floor!
-Down-to-floor!
-Congratulations, Ranbir bhai.
-Thank you, paaji.
You created a sensation in theaters,
at the box office, and worldwide.
Your movie is also trending on Netflix.
How wonderful!
But this is what you call humility.
Despite the immense success of the film,
he's still sitting on the same sofa as me.
As soon as Archana ji found out
that our show would be streaming
in 192 countries,
you won't believe this,
she asked Netflix for a private jet.
She said,
"I will fly in on a private jet."
Normally, she travels here
from Madh on a jetty.
That's true.
The fare is only 15 rupees, I think.
-Ten rupees.
-Ten rupees for the ticket,
and also five rupees
for the groundnuts you eat.
-Really?
-So, the fare is just 15 rupees.
But look, Archana ji,
you should never be too pretentious.
The film earned 1,000 crore rupees,
yet he's sitting here quietly. All right?
The minute the promo was released,
she partied all night,
and then kicked her husband
when she was hungover.
"Get up!"
You won't believe it!
She said,
"I'm streaming in 192 countries."
"You're trying to sneak into the bed
of an international star!"
Archana ji, that's not a nice thing.
Oh, God!
-Riddhima, I have a question.
-Tell me.
A brother is always happy to give a gift
to his sister on Raksha Bandhan.
-After all the Animal money came in
-Animal money?
Oh, God!
Will you accept whatever gift
he gives you happily?
Or have you already made a list
of things that will make you happy?
I'm still writing it.
-Still?
-Yes, I'm making a list.
I'm still thinking carefully
and adding more items.
-You're waiting for the next hit.
-I'll give it I'll email him the list.
I want to tell my audience
that Riddhima is making her debut
on Netflix with Bollywood Wives.
As you all know, talent runs naturally
in this family. It runs in their blood.
When we undergo a blood test,
it's either A positive or B positive.
Theirs is "Acting positive."
And it's always higher
than the usual range,
as you all witnessed in Animal.
Absolutely!
Why has it taken you so long
to debut, Riddhima?
Were you waiting for the completion
of the Atal Setu bridge?
Actually, I made my debut when I was 42.
-I came to your show two years ago.
-Yes.
You called me a Teekhi Mirchi.
Someone must have heard it,
and casted me in the show.
After all, they wanted
some spice in the show!
Are you giving credit to Paaji?
-Absolutely!
-No, I was
-The credit goes to Kapil ji.
-For discovering her.
But people really liked
Everyone In fact,
the entire world has seen Animal.
In the film, Ranbir puts up a fight
with some senior boys
for the sake of his sister.
Has Ranbir ever locked horns with anyone
for you when he was a kid?
No, but I did.
I was the heavyweight champion.
I used to pin his friends to the ground.
Huh?
-Yeah.
-Yes. I was a frail boy.
He was frail, so I would beat them up.
Paaji, when we were kids,
WWF was really popular.
-Yes.
-Undertaker. Hulk Hogan.
Whenever Mom and Dad used to step out,
we'd begin our own WWF.
There was a time
when she was bigger than me.
A couple of years later, I grew bigger.
After that, I absolutely thrashed her.
I feel bad now,
but I have absolutely thrashed her.
Oh, God!
Every time we went out for dinner,
I used to tell him,
"Ranbir, we're going out for dinner."
"If you dare touch my daughter,
I will not spare you."
-Oh!
-I used to do this and warn him.
And she was a complain box.
Even when I barely touched her,
she'd shout, "Mom, he hit me!"
Today, you've come with your mom.
-I want to ask your mom
-Yes?
You know the Ranbir from Barfi?
The calm guy?
In reality, is he like
his character from Barfi,
or like his aggressive character
in Animal?
Is there anything calmer than Barfi?
-Really?
-That's how calm he is.
So calm?
-Zen!
-Very calm. He's like zen.
-Nothing matters to him.
-Wow.
You've been saying
that Animal has been a big hit,
it didn't make a difference to him.
As the saying goes, and it holds true,
children are a blend of their parents.
What do you feel, ma'am?
Which qualities of yours
did your children get?
I feel
Yeah, they both have my calmness.
I mean they are cool.
Even she is very cool.
-I see.
-She has never raised her voice at anyone.
Riddhima is like that.
-The whole world knows about him.
-Yes.
I don't think even our neighbors
have ever heard him speak loudly.
But I think the values they have
were instilled by my husband, Rishi ji.
The value of time.
The value of money.
I believe the most important thing
is respecting other people.
Respect, value for money,
value for time.
He was very strict with them.
And the way he spoke to everyone
You know, children observe that.
-Right.
-How their father is behaving.
So they see that. They've seen that.
They both have very good values.
And I feel Raha, maybe,
will also hold the same values
because he's Rishi ji's son.
How sweet.
They both used to study
in foreign countries.
They both were abroad.
Riddhima was in London
and he was in New York.
So, Rishi ji never spoiled them.
He used to give them
just enough money,
like ten dollars for lunch
and ten dollars for dinner.
They'd have to starve
even if they splurged
on buying a handkerchief.
-I see.
-They used to have such limited money.
So, I used to give them a little extra,
you know, "Just keep it."
I used to give them
I used to spoil them.
But Rishi ji wanted like
the bare minimum.
But he's brought them up
to be like tough.
-With good values.
-With good values. Yeah.
Generally, you know,
in a household with two children,
especially a daughter and a son,
the daughter receives more affection.
She is generally the parents' favorite.
-Was it the same with you as well?
-No. Not really.
Dad was slightly partial towards you.
Did you experience favoritism?
No, but he never raised his voice at us.
We were scared of his voice.
-He had a heavy voice.
-Actually, around us
Before social media became popular,
my dad was the original troll.
So, at nighttime, after having
two glasses of "lemonade"
Dad
The first call he used to make
was to his younger sister,
-who is our aunt.
-Yes.
And he would troll her for an hour.
-I see.
-He would tease her casually.
As an audience, when Mom, Riddhima,
and I sat together at nighttime,
we found it enjoyable,
but she would be in tears.
Then she would call their mom,
and then my mom,
and then they would scold my dad.
This was a daily occurrence.
For us, it was very enjoyable
to see our father, you know,
playfully teasing his sister
and his friends.
He was that kind of a person.
He was always
I mean, of course,
he was short-tempered.
If anyone around us did something wrong,
he would lose his temper.
Just witnessing that would scare us.
I remember when I was a kid,
I was not fond of eating vegetables.
So, Dad would just look at me
and say, "Move the vegetables,"
and I would start crying uncontrollably.
I used to be that terrified.
-He would cry and eat.
-She was never scared.
-No
-And she was the type of person
who always preferred to sit separately.
Because she could not bear,
like, if someone was eating onions
and there was a chewing sound.
-I used to get irritated.
-So, if we're having a meal here,
-she would eat where the band is.
-Oh, wow!
Then you should never go
to Archana ji's place for dinner.
-Now, her daughter makes all those sounds.
-Yes.
Karma.
I saw a video of you at the airport.
They were entering the airport.
The media must have been there as well.
Riddhima is quietly
showing her boarding pass,
-and Samara is turning around and
-And posing!
-She was looking so cute.
-She loves doing that!
She absolutely loves getting
her picture taken, striking a pose.
Before that, we were attending
Kareena's son's birthday.
-Yes.
-And she was with me.
She asked me,
"RK, will the media be outside?"
I said, "Yes, they'll be there."
She said, "Okay, I'll pose like this
and like that." She loves it.
-She loves it. Yeah.
-The camera loves the Kapoors.
Day one at Kaps Café,
and our first guests are the Kapoors!
I'm loving it!
So, how is everyone?
And to our dear audience,
good morning, good afternoon,
good evening, good night!
Hello!
-"Good night"?
-Why are you saying the wrong lines?
Sharma ji, what's wrong with you?
We are on Netflix,
streaming in 190 countries.
It can be morning in one place,
afternoon in another, and
Of course!
Of course.
Let me introduce myself.
Myself, Chef Dhaniya Lal.
My cooking is out of this world!
Wow!
-His cooking is awful, Neetu ji.
-Yeah?
Yesterday, a customer asked
for pressure-cooked potatoes.
He tried putting pressure
on the potatoes by sitting on them!
You know what's worse?
There were four potatoes when he sat down.
-When he stood up, there were only three.
-Oh, God!
Potato thief!
Potato thief!
-By the way, Neetu ji.
-Yes?
Today marks the first day of my kitchen.
So, on the inaugural day, I want you
to try the first dish I've prepared.
Don't say no!
Please don't say no!
No, no!
-Stop it!
-Okay!
I told you to stop doing that.
Your head fell off the other day!
We won't keep putting it back on.
What dish is it? Show us.
This dish has been
specially prepared for you.
I told you he would do
something like this.
-Amazing.
-This looks like hot water.
Yes, it's hot water, but can you
imagine a better dish?
No!
This is the most healthy thing
on the planet.
-Absolutely.
-It has no sugar, no salt.
It's gluten-free.
It's fat-free.
It's totally free.
To be honest, I am no ordinary chef.
I am a world-class chef.
Yes. It might be hard for you to believe.
I can make halwa without semolina.
-Oh! How?
-How?
-How?
-Using carrots.
Semolina plays no part in carrot halwa.
-Oh, God!
-That's true.
-This realization just hit me.
-Okay.
And if you keep cracking these lame jokes,
you might get hit
with more than just realizations!
Would you like to have
some carrot halwa, Riddhi ji?
-It's not Riddhi ji, it's Riddhima.
-Yes, please get me some.
Why are you calling her "ma"?
-She looks like a child.
-That's true.
In fact, even her ma
doesn't look like her ma.
Neetu ji is so pretty!
-So pretty.
-So sweet.
Honestly, it seems like Ranbir Kapoor ji
is sitting here with his two sisters.
True that.
Just like when we look at you,
it looks like four brothers
have been squeezed into one kurta.
And when I look at you, I feel like
my mother-in-law is sitting here.
-Yes, absolutely.
-An oldie
who taunts all her daughters-in-law.
Absolutely correct!
"And look at my daughter-in-law!"
"Every taunt I throw at her
bounces back to hit me!"
But I have a question.
Whenever a vegetable is brought
to your house
and when the vegetable finds out
that it's in the Kapoor family home
what is the reaction of the vegetable?
Bitter gourd, for example.
Is it still bitter
even after coming to your house?
-You should know he has some weird habits.
-Really?
The other day, he was cooking
an omelet in a nighty.
-Why? Why a nighty?
-The thing is
I learnt the recipe
for an omelet from my aunty.
She used to cook in a nighty.
Don't you dare try
your uncle's mutton recipe
'cause he used to cook naked.
Okay, I will take my leave now.
Thank you very much.
Besides this, I have to prepare
more dishes for you guys.
-Enjoy yourselves. Yeah. Have a good day.
-Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
Neetu ma'am, every mother's dream
is to see their children succeed.
Ranbir is now a superstar.
You have been a superstar yourself.
I can never forget
the reply you once gave me.
Ranbir, I asked your mom once,
"When you were newly married,
and became part of Rishi ji's family,
how did you feel?"
"Because everyone around you
was a superstar."
She said, "I was a superstar myself."
Ma'am, when you see
Ranbir's success today,
does it remind you of a film
or a moment with Rishi sir?
Like, "That was a beautiful moment"
The thing is success these days
is very short-lived, right?
Your film becomes a hit
for a couple of weeks
and then we move on to the next one.
Our films would run for 25 weeks.
Then we would go
and collect the trophy.
-There would be functions.
-Silver jubilee.
That high was different.
-Golden jubilee. Silver Jubilee.
-Yeah.
Wow!
So, ma'am, as I said,
your family is packed with superstars.
Hasn't any writer ever suggested
inviting them over for dinner?
They could narrate their script to a bunch
of stars, someone's bound to like it.
Has that
-Has any writer ever tried that?
-One time
I had invited someone.
I mean, he was a family member
and he wanted to be a director.
So he says,
"I want to narrate a script."
So Rishi ji and I were listening.
"So, in the script,
Rishi ji is playing the father
and you are the mother."
"And Ranbir is the son."
I said, "What's wrong with my daughter?"
"Cast her as well."
Cast her too!
I remember my father
told me a story once.
He had wrapped up a shoot
in Film City at night.
Some writer wanted to narrate a story.
He said, "Come, sit in my car."
"You can narrate it to me
on the way home."
So they got in the car.
Papa made his first "lemonade."
And
And he said, "Sir, the film begins!"
"We see a hungry, weak man running."
-Under the scorching sun!
-"Under the scorching sun!"
"Shatrughan Sinha is riding a chariot,
and behind him
-we see your character!"
-A frail man!
"A thin, frail, weak man,
running under the scorching sun!"
Papa said, "Stop the car. Get out."
"Do you think I look thin from any angle?"
You know, even till today,
whenever I meet someone,
everyone has a story with him.
-An anecdote with Rishi, yeah.
-An anecdote.
Like, "We met Rishi ji.
This is what he said, etc."
-So, everyone has some kind of connection.
-Some memory.
But 80% of the time,
he must have yelled at them.
And he only used to
scream at people he loved.
-But they loved that.
-If he screamed at you,
-that means he loves you.
-Yeah.
-Only once, he hit me hard
-Hit you?
Yes, Diwali puja at RK Studios.
And Papa was a religious man.
I think I was eight or nine years old.
So, I entered the temple
with my shoes on.
I got a smack on my head.
-He was very religious.
-But he never hit you otherwise, Ranbir?
-Never.
-Never.
-Never?
-No.
-Did Mom hit you?
-No.
-Yes, yes.
-With a hanger.
No way!
-Where?
-A little.
-When?
-No.
-Riddhima?
-Liar. No.
-She used to lock me in the bathroom.
-I didn't lock him inside the bathroom.
I used to just say,
"Come inside, shut the door."
And by the time he'd shut the door,
he would start crying.
He'd be terrified.
Mom, are you listening
to what Neetu ji is saying?
She would just shut the door
and Ranbir would start crying.
Children can also be taught in this way.
I remember the Lohri festival,
where you light a bonfire.
I couldn't see in the dark, and burnt
a five rupee note unintentionally.
It was a five rupee note,
but she gave me a thrashing worth 50,000.
I mean
We've always seen Ranbir
Whenever Ranbir's film
is about to release,
he is always seen with his heroines.
Today, for the first time,
he has Neetu ji and Riddhima with him.
Was this your decision or was it Alia's?
"You'll either go out with me
or with women from our family."
"Not with any other heroine."
Well, she is the real producer of my life.
It's said that marriage changes people.
Both your children are married.
Have Ranbir and Riddhima changed
after getting married?
Change, I mean,
-I think, they have become better.
-A person becomes better.
Because, I think,
they value relationships a lot more.
Earlier, they were a bit childish.
And I think Ranbir
has changed for the better.
And after Raha's birth,
-has he changed even more?
-Much better.
-He's become so caring.
-More caring. He's such a loving father.
Such a
You're an amazing dad.
First child and a daughter at that.
It's so much fun, right, Ranbir?
-Blessed.
-Blessed actually.
Paaji, your real-life producer
is here as well.
I would love to ask her as well.
Has he changed after getting married?
-No, he's still the same.
-Still the same.
You heard how Neetu ji praised her son?
You could've just repeated it.
-"He's become better."
-Very nice. Very good.
He was mischievous before
and he's still mischievous now.
-No.
-But my mother has changed a lot.
She's moved on
from Punjabi suits to palazzos.
That's a good thing.
One day, my mom was asking Ginni,
"Have my palazzos arrived?"
I asked, "What's that?"
She said, "Shut up. You have no clue.
She gets it."
Ranbir, look at your fandom.
That's my bhabhi, Ritika bhabhi.
-Hello. Hi.
-She never comes to our show.
She is my bhabhi, and the one sitting next
to her is your bhabhi.
-Oh!
-My wife.
They never come to our show.
What brings you here today?
Welcome.
Well, we were talking about change, right?
We asked his mother if he had changed.
I want to ask Ginni how much
he has changed after getting married.
-Good question.
-Ginni.
-She's the best person.
-She doesn't know how I was before.
She knows!
Well, he's decent when I'm around.
But I can't guarantee
what happens once he leaves home.
This is where I come
after I leave the house. On Netflix.
After that, I come back home.
What can I possibly do in the car?
I mean
If I open my mouth at home,
she says, "Don't talk nonsense."
Here, I get paid for talking nonsense.
She gets to hear it for free, but no
But, Ginni, tell us
how good a dad is he?
Best dad.
-Is he hands-on?
-Best. Yes, of course.
Yes, bua ji,
burn our house down, why don't you?
This is what she does.
She didn't do anything.
I used to look after the baby.
She was busy making the second child.
I mean
I mean to say
And who blessed me with the second child?
Who blessed me with the second child?
-Right!
-"Blessed"!
Anayra was five months old
when I conceived the second one.
Five months only!
Ma'am, we were in the middle
of the COVID lockdown.
Oh, God!
The shoots had stopped, so
Snatch the mic from her!
I was watching one of Ranbir's interviews
where he said, "After Raha's birth,
I rush home as soon as we pack up."
-I see.
-"I don't attend parties."
But these are beautiful changes
that come from within, right?
I don't feel like
doing anything else, paaji.
I don't want to shoot movies.
I don't want to go anywhere.
But I wanted to come to this show
because, obviously, 192 countries!
But It's that feeling, you know.
You want to sit at home. Look at her.
Even if she is sleeping,
I want to stare at her.
I've never experienced
this kind of feeling in my life.
Now Mom keeps telling me,
"Do you understand how I felt?"
-How it feels
-How sweet!
Now I can understand how
Mom used to feel about me and Riddhima.
But there is one thing
I want to tell you.
All his expressions are for the screen.
In real life, he's very
"Yeah, okay, fine " You know,
he doesn't react much to anything.
For the first time,
when Raha enters,
you should see his face.
-It's full of expressions.
-Wow.
He goes like this.
That's how excited he is.
So I told him, "For the first time,
-I see some expressions on your face"
-Animation.
"to see your daughter like that."
I can't wait to bring her
on your show, sir.
-Yeah.
-That would be lovely!
Please, please.
I will call Anayra as well.
But I have to tell you,
he's the best father.
Alia is a good mother anyway.
She is outstanding.
-He's a hands-on father.
-But this guy
I've seen many fathers,
but I haven't seen anyone like him.
Have you changed her diaper, Ranbir?
-For Raha?
-I did everything.
I was a burp specialist.
-Really?
-Every specialist.
Yeah, yeah.
She is crazy about him too.
Crazy about him.
She keeps looking for her father.
Who is she more comfortable with?
-Who can tuck her in?
-I think with Alia.
Because that's where she finds peace.
But she wants to play with me.
And you're the opposite of Papa.
My husband used to never
He was not very good with children.
-Okay.
-"What? What is it? Go to sleep!"
Children these days
I've observed that the next generation
of children is always smarter.
And especially this generation
There are so many gadgets.
They know everything about the world.
But with us, it was different.
Even if we bought a new fridge,
we closed the fridge door slowly
to see at what point the light went off.
-The light would go off. Yeah!
-Have you done it?
Or if someone spills water on the table,
we'd make water rings with our fingers.
What games did you two play
when you were kids?
We used to jump in a sewer.
-What?
-Yes.
Every weekend,
we would visit our grandparents.
-We'd spend our weekends there.
-Every Sunday.
There used to be a sewer
right behind their house.
-Was it a clean sewer or a dirty one?
-Dirty.
Dirty sewer.
It used to have these little crabs.
And we used to catch crabs.
-Oh, gosh!
-Our generation was exceptional.
-We've had fun, you know?
-Actually.
True.
So, on one of the episodes
on my show you had told me
that Ranbir gifted Riddhima's dress
to his girlfriend.
It's not nice to discuss
these things after marriage,
but it is a lot of fun.
I've gifted Mom's jewelry as well!
-Yeah.
-Real jewelry?
I was like, "What is this girl wearing?"
"This is mine."
In my mind I thought, "You will be
the daughter-in-law anyway. So keep it."
So you used to gift
these things wholeheartedly.
-Always.
-How sweet.
His pocket money used to be very little,
so he obviously couldn't buy it.
It was a big steal. A big steal.
-What is this?
-Sir, a parcel for Kaps Café.
-Parcel? For us?
-Yes, sir.
-Must be for me.
-Here you go, sir.
-That's a big one.
-Okay.
You?
You?
You are my journey
You are my destiny
Without you, my love
Life is difficult
You are my God
You are in my prayers
Without you, my love
Life is difficult
Your absence tests me
In every sense, you complete me
My passion is
To be worthy of you
Without you, my love, life is difficult
My soul
And my body
Feels more close to you
What was that?
Turbulence.
-What was that?
-Turbulence.
Turbulence!
Why do I feel I've met someone
like this stupid girl before?
I think I've seen you deliver food
for a food delivery app as well.
So even you've seen Zwigato?
No, even I didn't watch it.
This is exactly what leads to fights!
Well, fights do happen.
In fact, some people enjoy these fights.
Someone outside just asked me,
"When will we get to see
the season two of your fight?"
Who was it?
I asked, "Who are you?"
They said, "I am paparazzi."
I said, "Anyone can be a paparazzi."
"Talk to me when you're a Mama-razzi."
Listen to me,
you could've just entered normally.
Why did you come in this box?
I was coming on Netflix, right?
So whether it is old or new stuff,
Netflix does great packaging.
So, I thought I'd come out with a tudum.
Wow, do it again!
Sorry, their tudums are a bit delayed.
So, I was
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry!
When did you guys come?
When did you guys come?
They've been here for a while.
You just got here.
Sorry, I am late.
I ran into traffic on the way.
You ran into six years' worth of traffic?
Well, at least I made it back
in six years.
It would've taken you nine years
to walk back from Australia.
Understood?
But I'm very upset with you.
Why are you upset?
I gave you my bangles, my blessings.
So much happened between you two,
but then you disappeared.
Where did you go?
Don't ask me. Ask your son.
Now I work at the duty-free store here.
-Duty-free.
-Wow.
Yes. My name is Dafli.
-Dafli?
-"Dafli."
Yes. Actually, my father
was a big fan of Rishi ji.
When I was born,
there was a picture of Rishi ji
holding a dafli at the hospital.
Like this. Holding a dafli.
He obviously couldn't name me
Rishi Kapoor,
so he named me Dafli.
So cute.
-Are you two okay?
-Why aren't you talking to Ranbir?
-You know why I won't talk to him.
-Why?
-Forget it.
-Because he's married?
Is there something wrong with me?
I remember you gave me your bangles.
Exactly. I gave you my bangles.
-She's returning it, Mom. Take it.
-Take it back.
Here are your bangles.
But that's a cellphone.
Yeah, I sold the bangles
to buy this phone!
It's on.
What's on?
Move on! I've moved on.
I can't keep waiting.
Move on.
Tell him that.
Oh, wow!
I saw his movie Aminal.
Aminal?
Which one?
Aminal.
Aminal.
Slip of the tongue.
I saw it. Tell him he looked nice.
He's giving it to you.
I don't want it.
He's giving it out of love.
Give it to Alia Bhatt. I don't want it.
-I don't care now.
-You're really mad at him?
-Yes.
-Oh, gosh!
Tell him to stop taking off
his shirts so often in films.
Mom, you please tell her,
I never look back.
Poor Mom is being sandwiched in between.
Do you want to sit next to him?
No, thank you.
You've matched clothes
with Ranbir and his mom.
Yeah.
Look at this.
What do you want to do now?
-What do you mean?
-You
-Riddhima ji, hi.
-Hi, Dafli ji.
If you ever want a perfume or chocolate,
let me know.
-Sure.
-Okay?
We have a duty-free store.
You can come any time.
-Of course.
-You can test one.
Don't rip them off!
I'm not ripping anyone off.
She can smell it. Here you go.
Let him smell it as well!
Try it.
This smells less like perfume
and more like oil.
-What about him?
-Let him smell the perfume too.
Do it yourself. I'm not doing it.
Please, just
Okay, fine. It's my job
and he is a customer, so it's fine.
I've got perfume all over my hands!
This one is the gents' perfume.
Wait a minute.
Stand up, please.
I've met you before
When our eyes first intertwined
That's how I felt, you know
You touched me
We are both a little crazy
Floating like clouds up above
Come, let's rain down
Come, let's soak in love
I've met you before
When our eyes first intertwined
That's how I felt, you know
You touched my wounds
And my heart, it healed
So cute!
What's right? What's wrong?
I don't know
If you have answers, please tell me
I've been missing for a long time
GRANDPA'S BUNGALOW
-Grandpa's bungalow!
-Tell me where I belong
Don't get lost while looking at me
You are the source, you are my destiny
Or you are my heart
What precisely are you?
"Bhabhi Two Pro Max"!
Crazy, we're crazy like the clouds
Come, let's rain down
I've met you before
When our eyes first intertwined
That's how I felt, you know
You touched my wounds
Alia!
And my heart, it healed
What happened?
Ranbir sir's makeup, please.
I can't show my face to anyone.
We've got some questions for you, ma'am.
These are from your fans.
They want to know who among
the three of you is short-tempered?
-No one.
-Me.
She is not short-tempered.
-Short-tempered is not the right word.
-But between the three of us
-A little stubborn.
-But a little more Not stubborn.
Not stubborn at all.
-Impatient.
-Impatient. Yeah.
You can call it whatever you want.
We will change the question.
"Who's nicer?"
"She is." Okay.
Who overspends?
-Like
-The two of us.
-These two.
-Yes, we do.
So, is it because of the low pocket money
you received as a kid?
He's making up for it.
You guys just went somewhere, right?
Neetu, you and Ranbir
went shopping in New York, right?
-Yeah.
-You keep tabs on them! Wow!
That's amazing, Archana ji.
Who can't keep a secret?
-Ranbir.
-Ranbir.
Please don't tell me your secrets.
If you are telling me a secret
-He gets stomachache.
-I have to tell someone.
Your stomach bloats up
if you don't tell anyone, right?
Who is better at bargaining
among you three?
Mom.
-I see.
-With the fish seller.
I bargain every morning.
I really love it, even if I only manage
to save 200 rupees.
I get it.
It's like, "Please, 200 rupees less."
I really enjoy that.
When Archana ji is out buying fish,
if they don't reduce the price,
she says, "Move!"
And she dives directly into the sea.
Firstly, I'm a vegetarian.
She once caught a crocodile
when she was hungover.
After she came out, she was like,
"That's a huge fish! Oh, my God!"
-Then she let it go.
-Oh, my God.
I asked the question about bargaining
because, ma'am
Neetu's lost it.
You're mad. Kapil, you're mad.
I asked this question on bargaining
because we heard this rumor.
When you and Alia got married,
Alia's cousins demanded
11 to 12 crore rupees.
-Can you confirm if it's true?
-Really?
He bargained with them
and brought it down to lakhs of rupees.
-Oh, for the Joota Chupai ritual?
-So, is it true or a rumor?
-No, that's not true. I mean
-He did give them something.
-He gave cash
-I think
It started from lakhs,
and I got it down to thousands.
-Thousands?
-Really?
-That's too low!
-Yes.
We got married at home,
so the shoes would still be at home
even if they stole them.
Take them.
Ginni's sisters asked me as well,
"Jiju, we want 11 lakh rupees."
I said, "Keep the shoes
as well as your sister. I'm leaving."
I knew she loved me,
so she'd definitely come back.
And I could always buy new shoes!
Baby, just to make people laugh.
Yes, of course!
Let's not talk about this over dinner
when we get home.
Oh, my cutie, don't play with my heart
You are leaving and embarking on a journey
And I'm going crazy like Majnu
Oh, my cutie, don't play with my heart
You are leaving and embarking on a journey
And I'm going crazy like Majnu
Oh, my love, my beloved
Oh, my love, my beloved
Too good!
-So sweet.
-What is he saying?
He is saying,
can you give him some money?
Please, didi.
You've been here for so long,
but you still don't get him.
He's asking for food, not money.
You both don't understand him.
That's the reason he married me.
My Abrar's gestures are simple.
He wants the three of you
to get up from the sofa.
Really?
"I will deal with you three
after we get home."
Why will you deal
with these three after you go home?
Deal with them right here.
Why are you getting mad at us?
Why don't you go
and call your translator?
Oh, my God!
How are you, Chote? All good?
God bless you.
May you keep drinking
and dancing with a glass on your head!
Jeth ji, what are you doing here?
And where is his translator?
To hell with his translator!
To hell with his translator!
You tell me, Riddhima ji.
With the older brother around,
is there a need for anyone else
to understand the younger brother?
-No.
-Not at all.
You are the older one.
You will understand.
-Yes.
-I'm here now.
I'm here, Chote. I'm here.
What is he saying?
He says that since you're the elder one,
there should be some touching of feet.
You're the elder brother.
Is that what he's saying?
But why will I touch your feet?
He's saying we will touch your feet.
But your place is not here.
Your place is here
By "here" I mean at the back.
-Your place is at the back.
-Duty-free.
I mean it's over there. Go over there.
Okay. Bhabhi ji one,
Bhabhi ji two, Bhabhi ji three.
Namaste! Namaste!
Chote, I'm here now.
You can say whatever you want
and I will translate it.
Knee two ji.
Love it!
I am your biggest fan.
Amazing!
Run beer ji.
-Run beer ji!
-Run beer ji!
I watch all your films.
But
But!
Can you do that one more time, Chote?
But
Animal is my favorite.
All right then!
Superb!
-Superb!
-But since I'm dead in Animal,
I cannot work in Animal Park.
So, please cast Bade Bhaiya instead.
Bade Bhaiya is a fantastic actor.
Bade Bhaiya's work is exceptional.
Whether East or West,
Bade Bhaiya is the best!
Hey, what are you doing?
Love this.
My little brother!
Chote, you can speak!
Yes, bhaiya. I can speak.
I can speak, bhaiya!
I can speak.
I can speak, bhaiya.
I don't need you anymore, bhaiya.
You can leave.
Chote Ali!
Since you've started talking,
you've become shamelessly bold!
Don't you need your elder brother anymore?
No. That's not what I meant.
I wanted to have
a personal conversation with them.
Then do it!
We've been worried sick!
That's not a problem. Come over here
and talk. They're listening as well.
They can hear you!
They are not deaf!
But the way you're shouting,
they will soon go deaf!
It wasn't my fault in Animal.
I was enjoying my third marriage.
Neetu ji, you tell me.
Would a man with three wives
even have the time
to pick a fight outside?
Riddhima, I came onto the runway
to apologize.
But Vanga Reddy said, "You cannot talk!"
Chote, are you apologizing?
You are apologizing despite being
a strong, well-built young man?
Chote, if I was in Animal,
I would have uprooted the hand pump!
There are no hand pumps in London, bhaiya.
How do people drink water
if there are no hand pumps available?
Oh, God!
Our climax scene was shot on the runway,
surrounded by massive airplanes.
I would have melted the airplane
and changed its shape,
but I would have done something!
It's not that easy.
You would have done something!
Okay, you have one chance.
Let's recreate that scene.
You and me.
Ranvijay is here too.
This is your only chance, bhaiya.
I want Ranvijay to come over here.
And if you were in Animal
then what would the climax be like?
Let's watch.
Vanga! Reddy!
-Vanga Reddy!
-Action!
I'll kill all seven of them!
I'll kill them all together!
Hey! No dialogues!
-I can't have a dialogue?
-No.
Okay.
-Oye!
-No oyes either!
You can't say anything.
-Nothing at all?
-No.
-Hey!
-You cannot say "hey" either!
No "hey" either.
A person who can't speak
can at least say "hey."
No way. I didn't say
a single word in the film.
Go and play that game with Vanga.
I don't care!
If a man can't speak,
he can at least say "hey."
Even you did it in Barfi.
Even Tusshar Kapoor
said "A-E-I-O-U" in Golmaal.
Hey!
No singing.
Look, there are some rules.
We'll play according to the rules.
Look, sir. Please don't do this.
Listen to me.
I really like you.
Wow, bhaiya!
Thank you very much.
You saved us.
But next time
Next time, I won't spare you.
-Let's go. See you.
-Bye.
Now it's time for our guests
to board their flight.
Thank you so much, Neetu ji.
Ranbir paaji, thanks a lot.
-Thank you, paaji.
-Riddhima, thank you so much
for coming here
and inaugurating our café.
We couldn't have had
a better inauguration.
Paaji, all over the world,
wherever I go,
people know Amitabh Bachchan,
they know Shah Rukh Khan,
and they know Kapil Sharma.
-And I think
-Love you, paaji.
You know, Netflix is a platform
which deserves you.
People in every country
and every city will watch your show.
-Thank you, paaji.
-And we're very proud of you.
-Love you, paaji.
-Absolutely.
Thank you.
And you brought us as a family together.
Thank you, guys.
-Memorable.
-Thank you. Memorable.
So thank you so much, guys!
We will see you next Saturday
at 8:00 p.m.
-India! India!
-India! India!
Please welcome
Mr. Rohit Sharma and Mr. Shreyas Iyer.
You're married, no?
And these days, there's a stump mic.
Has it ever happened that you gave
some "advice" to someone in a fit of rage
"Advice"?
I have no choice.
Our boys are lazy roosters!
They don't even run.
Has anyone ever given you
such weird advice?
-Someone you've met.
-You must have seen us at the airport.
All the cricketers
always have headphones on. Why?
They are not showing off.
And it's not that I wanna be
the opening batter on your team
You can forget about opening.
I cannot stay for too long
after a match.
And if I bend over,
my pants are gonna need a patch!
Clap!
-Rohit! Rohit!
-Rohit! Rohit!
Out!
I actually feel glad.
We get yelled at in the Indian team.
But when we get a chance
to get the seniors out in the IPL
He is talking about me.