The Hotwives of Las Vegas (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

MATTY: Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "Walden Pond ain't got (BLEEP) on Las Vegas.
" And never was that more true than last season on Hotwives of Las Vegas To Vegas! ALL: To Vegas! Friendships were tested Oh, no, dear.
Wine is for winos.
Champagne is the classier choice.
(GASPING) I love Las Vegas! I've never felt so alive! MATTY: Hearts were broken Kendra is dead.
(SNIFFLING) We should remember this moment and really value each other.
MATTY: And faces got slapped.
- The Hotwives of Las Vegas - (ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY) All the glitz, - all the glamour, - and all the Vegas.
- (RETCHING) - Oh! Oh, my God! JENFER: I wrote the book on being awesome.
I just can't read it.
FIRST LADY: I run this town! Along with actual, real, elected officials.
IVANKA: It's hard being perfect.
Just kidding.
It's easy for me.
PHE PHE: Las Vegas? I think you mean "Las Phe-Phe-gas.
" LEONA: Menopause? More like "meno-start-your-engines"! DENISE: Vegas is a gambling town, and I never bet on me.
CALLIE: You might think you know me, but you don't, because I don't know me.
Hmm.
Mmm.
Get that contour.
They say Vegas is a town where people get their dreams, and also drug-resistant strains of herpes.
And now, both are true for me.
I'm so lucky! Ooh, I'm gettin' married, y'all! Goddamn, I look good.
I look hot.
All except (VOICE TREMBLING) One part of me.
(SNIFFLING) Not today.
(INHALES DEEPLY) I promised myself I wouldn't cry today.
Being born without the tippy top of my pointer finger and having to wear a prosthesis is a hardship I've struggled with my whole life.
And even though I've come so far, I still feel like I struggled to fit in with the other girls last year.
Get your finger out of my face.
Get your finger out of my face! (BOTH SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY) Ugh.
I can't put my finger in any of y'all's faces! Damn it! But getting married to the love of my life now he can be my finger.
To point in their faces.
ACE: Here we go.
Baby.
Hi, honey.
It's bad luck to see me before the ceremony.
Well, I just did not wanna be separated from you or any cameras that might wanna capture me not being separated from you.
(CHUCKLING) (SMOOCHING NOISES) Aw, nice kiss.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Some people say Ace is only a fame chaser.
That he doesn't love me, he's just in it for the spotlight.
But that is some bull (BLEEP).
Coming! What? Hmm? Yeah.
Because Hey, I'm sorry.
I could've sworn you called me in from the other room, there.
- No.
- You didn't? Oh, but I can stay, I can stay.
Thanks for asking.
- Yeah.
- As I was saying, Ace loves me for me.
And for my hot body, which is a Disneyland for dicks.
Yes, it is.
Oopsy daisy.
Oh, I didn't realize you were pregnant.
Congrats! What did you say? - Pregnant - How could I be eight months pregnant with Ace's baby when Ace and I didn't even get together until after he and First Lady broke up, you dumbass? I don't know those people.
Ace! Do it! Get your finger outta my face.
For the sake of me and all I've been through, I just hope we can all get along this season.
Me too.
(STAMMERING) Same thing for me.
Absolutely.
I guess you could say I'm Vegas royalty.
Excuse me, Miss Stephanie? Never call me by my first name! Address me by my title.
The romaine is ready, First Lady.
Oh! Okay.
I love salad.
(SIGHS) You're doing that wrong.
My dead husband was the mayor of Las Vegas' Strip.
Some people say that that's an honorary title with no real power.
I don't subscribe to that.
So much has happened since last season.
I developed a food line called Anorexi-Yeah! You know, I just wanted to take that word back.
There was such this negative stink on it.
You know how black people have (BLEEP), and, like, the gays took back (BLEEP)? I just wanted something for us white women.
We need something, too.
Anorexi-Yeah! has so many yummy products, like our aspartame sandwiches, our Water-itas and our Popped Air.
Mmm.
Yummy air! I tend to emotional eat when I'm nervous or upset.
I'm just a little nervous about going to Jenfer's wedding tonight.
Jenfer and I were inseparable last year.
But we haven't seen much of each other lately.
She's just been so busy with her fiancé, Ace.
Who used to be my fiancé, Ace.
(SIGHS) I just think we need to break up.
But why? I love you.
I just feel like our storyline has petered out, you know? You mean "relationship," right? Yeah! No, that's what I said.
No, you said - I gotta go.
- All right.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
That's it, though.
Oh.
FIRST LADY: Yes, I had my suspicions that Ace and Jenfer hooked up while Ace and I were still together.
But Jenfer insists that they did not get together till after we broke up.
And I choose to believe her, because gouging out her eyes in a fit of jealous rage just wouldn't be a very First Lady thing to do.
Except if you're Nancy Reagan.
I heard she was a monster biznatch.
I just really want us all to get along this year.
Ooh, oh, I like that one.
It's wonderful being Ivanka, and I'm in a great place this year.
My daughter, Lola's, modeling career has gone through the roof and, as a former model myself, it means everything to make her live my dreams.
Right Ooh! That one is sexy.
I like that one.
Ooh! It's all in the eyes.
Last year (SIGHS) It wasn't always easy with me and my friends.
(GASPING) It's hard for them to see how, uh, perfect and beautiful I am.
You know, I just exist on a higher plane.
I'm European, I'm beautiful, my daughter's gorgeous, my husband's perfect and I think it was just hard for them to deal with the jealousy that that feeling brought up.
The only one who was really there for me through the highs and the just slightly lower highs, was my husband, Vance.
Ah I see you.
- Darling.
- Shh! Ivanka, please.
I am in the middle of one of the most amazing blowholes I've ever been a part of.
IVANKA: Vance's show, Blow for Humanity, has become one of the biggest shows in Vegas.
Celine Dion herself said she couldn't believe it was a show.
Aw, I really don't want to go.
You're really deep in that blow zone.
But (SIGHS) I told your sister I'd come visit her.
- Oh, my sister? - Yeah.
Give her my love.
Vance's sister, Callie, has just moved to town, and they're very close.
So, that is nice.
Um, I just hope that Callie gets along with the other girls, and the other girls get along with Callie, and that everyone just gets along this year.
CALLIE: Goddess above and Hades below, come forth and suckle on my supple teat.
I'm Callie Silversan.
I'm home after my divorce.
My ex and I had religious differences.
He's a Catholic, and I'm a witch.
My husband, he just didn't respect me.
Or my beliefs, or my solstice orgies.
You know, I'm happy bonding with my sister-in-law, Ivanka, but she can be a little judgmental.
- Oh, you got a new cat! So cute.
- (MEOWING) What's its name? I didn't "get" a cat.
Diantha chose me.
Cats are goddesses who embolden our power.
(EXHALES) It's my religion.
She's always taking digs at me.
You know, I'm a peaceful witch, but there are some things that you just don't (BLEEP) with.
Like my cat's name.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult you.
(CHUCKLING) Maybe it's because I'm European, so everything I say sounds like it's insulting.
No, no.
The important thing is we both love my brother more than anything in the world.
You know, I think Ivanka is a little bit jealous of my relationship with Vance.
We're very close.
We were inseparable as kids.
We even used to share the same bed.
I miss that.
DENISE: I'm a former showgirl.
I was known as the most clothed showgirl in Vegas.
'Cause it's what's left to the eye.
I mean, what's not left to the eye.
I can't remember my slogan.
What, are you cleaning glasses? This is a waste of time.
You just (SPITS) and then like this.
That's all you need.
And then it's done.
It's done.
- All right.
You got it? - Yep.
Yep.
All right, you're doin' great.
LEONA: It is not easy being the matriarch of this group of ladies.
I'm happy to see you guys.
Last year I felt like it was always up to me to stop the fighting, to be the peacemaker.
Just shut your face! - 'Cause your face is ugly.
- What? Girls, stop this fighting.
I hate it, I hate to see this.
Ahhh! No, you don't walk away from me! So this year, I'm just gonna focus on my business.
It gives me So much pride and joy.
Oh, Angel.
Mickey wants a big ass in his face.
Why don't you put yours there? All right? LEONA: Venus' Mound has really been growing.
Las Vegas Magazine voted it "Best Strip Club Breakfast Buffet.
" So, I've been working on a cookbook.
And I'm also working on my friendships.
You know, which is why I invited my neighbor Denise into this group.
She really needs some good friends.
I just hope that we can all get along this year, because, you know, we women, we gotta support each other.
Grind up harder on him, Angel! I don't pay you to just sit there! No, look, look.
This guy wants the ass It's ass in crotch.
It's your ass in his crotch, and a bouncin', a bouncin', a bouncin' and look, eye contact.
Eye contact.
- Yeah! Whoo! Whoo-hoo! - (BLENDER WHIRRING) DENISE: My name is Denise, and I'm a lot of fun.
Whoo! Let's party! Ma'am, you called 911.
You said someone was hurt? I will be hurt, if you don't stay for a drink.
- (BLENDER WHIRRING) - Whoo! I mean, I'm fun now, 'cause I'm recently divorced.
- (LAUGHING) - (BLENDER STOPS) Did you want it on the rocks? I am starting over and looking for love.
My ex, Carl, just wasn't that affectionate.
And I was very loving towards him.
I was always telling him how much I loved him, asking how much he loved me, telling him it wasn't enough, telling him how disappointing his love was, you know, all the things guys like.
He just didn't fill up my hug bucket.
That's what I call my heart.
(GIGGLES) It's just so empty.
Oh, the mailman's coming at 3:00.
That's why my therapist got me a real hug bucket.
I just put a quarter in anytime I get a hug, and it gets all filled up.
It's almost like I'm happy! - Leona, hi! - Hey! - I am so happy you're here.
- Yes, of course.
Oh, I am so glad you're here.
- Yes! Oh, of course.
- And that you're coming to this wedding with me I just get really nervous around these other girls.
I just really want them to like me.
And I want you to like me, do you like me? Hey, babe, I love you.
You've got a vice grip on my wrist and I've got weak wrists.
- I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
I love you like a daughter! Which is how I feel about all my girls, and I will not talk badly about my daughters.
Oh, I wouldn't want you to, I'm so sorry.
Why do you have to make me tell you that you can't trust Jenfer? I mean, you think I like saying that Ivanka's a conceited foreign (BLEEP)? - I didn't make you - Why you gotta make me say these things? I didn't, I only That's enough.
I don't think I did.
Let's not do it anymore.
- I won't, I promise - Hold your tongue.
All right? You ready to have some fun? - Yeah.
- Let's go have some fun at this wedding! I'm really afraid to talk at this point.
FIRST LADY: I would like to introduce you to my former college roommate Prepare to be PhePhe'd.
You're a bitch, you're a slut, you're annoying, you're stupid - and she is sleeping with your man.
- Mmm.
PHE PHE: Vegas just got a whole lot Phe Phe-er, because I just moved to Vegas, and I'm Phe Phe.
And I've got to be Phe Phe.
(LAUGHS) Licensed and trademarked.
People may remember me as living and loving in the great city of Orlando.
But I had to leave all my beloved friends behind so that I could go where the show ratings were higher.
I am still a lawyer/taxidermist.
But since the legal system basically does not exist in Nevada, I also made myself a judge.
I even have my own courtroom show.
It's called You're Guilty, Bitch.
- You're guilty - (COURTROOM GASPING) - Bitch! - (COURTROOM LAUGHING) - Now spin, and spin, and spin! - (CHEERING) I met my new husband, Adonis, on the show.
I just really wanted to be with somebody honest, you know? After dealing with my cheating ex, Rodney.
Yes, Adonis was arrested for grand larceny, but you know what? I like everything in my life to be grand.
Ha! This is Phenomenon Reed, Esq.
How can I help you? Besides, Adonis has turned over a new leaf and gotten a new job as my producer.
You know, producing things I do.
I need your checkbook.
What for? I am producing a Rolls-Royce for you, baby.
So I can drive it.
Surprise! (GIGGLING) But, I, um I don't really want a Rolls-Royce.
Baby, that's what producing is.
Knowing what my lady wants for me, before she even knows it.
(GIGGLING) Thank you.
That checkbook? Oh, yeah, yeah, that's here.
You know, looking back on the Orlando Phe Phe, I could sometimes say things that weren't nice.
But the new Phe Phe doesn't say things just because they're on her mind.
It turns out, that can hurt someone.
(CONNECTING TONE) - PHE PHE: Jenfer! - Oh, Phe Phe, thank God you answered.
Yeah, no, girl, I'm in the car right now.
I'm on my way to your wedding.
Girl, I'm gettin' a little cold feet.
Look, the old Phe Phe would have told you to run, girl, because Ace has been in more girls than a dildo in a whorehouse.
But the new Phe Phe would say It's all gonna be all right.
That's very hurtful, but right.
Yeah, you'll be all right.
Damn! The new Phe Phe is way better at being nice than any of these broken-ass bitches.
An idea for a new spinoff show, Here Comes The Bro.
Like, what's this knucklehead gonna do when he becomes a groom? I'm just spitballin' here.
(WAILING) (BLUBBERING) Oh, my God! (SOBBING) It was an elegant ceremony.
I got this famous Vegas act, Bill and Shasta, to officiate, and there was wonderful music, fancy flowers, and I got these two little girls to walk down the aisle as my flower girls.
I mean, I would've just asked my daughters, but I'm not allowed to see them again.
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING) As I walked down the aisle, it was awesome seeing all my best friends, as well as some of the other people the producers of the show have deemed are my friends, now.
FIRST LADY: I hadn't seen Jenfer since Ace and I broke up a few months ago.
And I felt so (SIGHS) Betrayed by my friends that they didn't tell me how fat she'd gotten! Seeing that made me feel really good.
Ace? ACE: Let's do this! (ELECTRO WEDDING MARCH PLAYING) (JENFER SIGHING) JENFER: I was totally fine with Ace wanting to walk down the aisle last.
Stand up, please.
Stand up.
You did it for her.
You know, come on.
I mean, why should I be the only one in the spotlight? Is a point he made several times.
(MUSIC CONTINUES) You look breathtaking.
So do you.
BILL: Dearly beloved.
Marriage is a sacred bond that two people enter into.
Yeah, I've been bonded to this jackhole for 20 years.
His hand is so far up my butt, I've got hemorrhoids in my mouth! (LAUGHING) - (ALL LAUGHING) - BILL: Shasta! Do you, Jenfer, take Ace, to have and to hold, for better or for worse Here come the waterworks.
For richer, for poorer.
Emphasis on the "poorer"! For us, the "richer" got gambled and drank away! Shasta! (ALL LAUGHING) All joking aside, his alcoholism is crippling.
I don't know how much longer I can stay with him! Aw, Vance, so romantic.
My hands were cold.
He's warming them up for me.
Of course I hold my sister's hand.
She has poor circulation.
What's next? You're gonna tell me it's weird when she puts it in my pocket? This is so classy, right? And everybody's really getting along, so, you know, there's that.
(SIGHING) - They're so in love.
- Mmm-hmm.
I'll never have this.
No, I can't see that you will.
I'm gonna take a picture to remind myself of that.
- Save my chair.
- Okay.
DENISE: Hi! - Too close.
- Don't let me bother you.
- Just gonna - (CAMERA CLICKING) Get your ass back to your seat.
Okay, I'm just gonna go back to my seat.
(GASPS) DENISE: That was my chair.
Why was Phe Phe sitting in it? (STAMMERING) It just didn't make any sense to me.
I mean, who, who takes someone else's chair? That's my chair.
I don't see your name on it, so I know, I'm the new, nice Phe Phe, but I can only be pushed so far, and a chair is where I draw the line.
But But where am I supposed to sit? There's nowhere to sit Denise, Phe Phe, stop fighting! On your faces, emotions look so ugly.
Neither of you should have the chair.
You should burn it, and make love to the ashes.
I I can't - IVANKA: Burn the chair.
- CALLIE: Burn the chair.
- Yeah, burn the chair.
- Burn the witch! I am not burning the chair.
That's crazy.
I am not crazy.
Nobody called you crazy.
What is going on, y'all? I can't believe this.
(TOGETHER) It's my day! (EXHALES) Can't you just let me have this one normal thing? JENFER: Ugh! (SOBBING) One thing.
I just asked for one thing! (BLUBBERING) One thing! One! I wanted to run after my friend.
But there was no way I was leaving that chair behind.
(SCOFFING) (WAILING) - (ALL ARGUING) - IVANKA: Phe Phe, you cannot just walk into Las Vegas and start taking people's chairs.
- I heard you all.
- LEONA: Girls This is not the time or the place! ALL: (CHANTING) Burn the chair! Burn the chair! Burn the chair! Burn the chair! (SCREAMING) You know, despite everything that happened and the fact that none of us are getting along, I really think we're all gonna get along this year.
MATTY: This season on Hotwives of Las Vegas There are two kinds of people in this world.
Those who can throw a good party, and those who will probably die alone.
Oh! Oh! I hear you.
I know you hear me - Mmm-hmm.
- But are you listening? Oh, yeah.
(MIMICKING RINGING SLOT MACHINE) Jackpot! (KISSING) Is anyone even looking at me anymore? You've gotta do what makes you happy.
- (RIPPING) - (YELLING IN PAIN) - (GASPING) - (SCREAMING) (SCREAMS) Wow! Amanda? (CHUCKLING) Phe Phe! - (MACHINE GUN FIRING) - (LAUGHING) - (GASPING) Oh! - (DISTANT SCREAMING) Did I do that? I don't need my bipolar meds anymore.
Nope.
(SCREAMING IN SLOW MOTION) I've asked you not to do that.
There's a rumor going around that Jenfer and Ace cheated on you.
You piece of trash! No guy can resist this piece of ass.
I just wanna see ladies hit each other.
That's enough! (GASPING) Stop trying to take my baby! Quick right! I don't think this is a good Oh! I know that bitch did not throw a tree at me! (SCREAMING) This is not about you! - (LAUGHING) - Yeah.
That is very funny.
And I don't usually love comedy.