The Hotwives of Orlando (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

1 MAN: Mario Lopez once said, Orlando is the most glamorous city in the world.
This is Orlando! You go big, or you go back to Kissimmee.
MAN: It's a town of great romance Your husband just had sex with me in the bathroom.
fabulous parties Happy intervention! and classy women.
Does anyone have crack? So, buckle up, it's going to be one heck of a ride.
(SCREAMS) You bitch! VERONICA: I'm all about class, style and sophistication.
Also, I'm not wearing underwear.
CRYSTAL: The Lord is my savior.
My husband is king.
And my body is redonkadonk.
AMANDA: I was a child star.
I grew up on TV, and I plan to die there.
SHAUNA: Money is everything.
I mean, money isn't everything.
You know, it sounds weird that way? PHE PHE: I always speak my mind.
And my mind thinks You're ugly.
TAWNY: Girls just wanna have fun.
Even when their husbands are dying.
I'm Tawny Saint John.
I'm just a small town girl who dreamed of the big life.
And now, here I am.
In Orlando! And I'm married to an amazing man, Phil.
We have an awesome relationship.
Except for the fact that he's dying.
(VOICE BREAKS) It's just so hard imagining life without Phil.
But it's nice to know that when he's gone I'll have his money to comfort me.
Take it.
Take it.
Take it all.
I refuse to let Phil's impending death get me down.
Um, yeah! That's why working out with my trainer Heath really keeps my mind off things.
- Right there! Exactly! Exactly! - (LAUGHING) Whoo! It's hot in here.
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
There's also all my charity work that keeps me busy.
Like tonight I'm throwing a huge fundraiser for my charity, Classy Canines.
Which provides high heels for dogs in Orlando.
Anyone who's anyone in Central Florida will be there.
SHAUNA: Hon Look what I got for us to wear to Tawny's charity event.
My name is Shauna Beducci.
And I love to shop.
Shauna, how much did you spend? - What're you doing here? - A lot.
Luckily, my husband Anthony has his own business.
He's an entrepreneurier.
So, he makes lots of money that I get to spend.
He loves that about me.
What do you do with these dresses after you wear 'em once? Well, I'm not going to wear them again.
That's disgusting.
Anthony and I have a great marriage.
Where's the toilet paper I asked you to get? Where's the toilet paper? I forgot.
We don't need it.
I'm going to have to use your packing paper to wipe my ass again.
Do you know why I'm getting purple hemorrhoids? 'Cause of this crap! You know, he may seem like this tough guy that's annoyed at me all the time.
But deep down he's just a teddy bear that's annoyed at me all the time.
You're such a dumb idiot! I love when you say romantic things like that.
You're such a little flirt.
Basically, Anthony and I live a really happy life together because we respect each other.
Shauna, not now.
It's not our wedding day, okay? Also, he knows, if he ever cheated on me, I would cut off his dick and feed it to the raccoons that live by the railroad! Girls, come down here.
- (GRUMBLES) Stupid - I got you your first animal prints.
(GRUMBLES) Are you kidding me? We also have four beautiful daughters.
Come see what Mommy bought you.
Or is it five? Shana, Shanti, Shania It's four.
No.
Yeah.
Other one.
We have four beautiful daughters.
VERONICA: (SINGSONG) Darling! Lover! Where are you? And what are you wearing? I'm Veronica Von Vandervon.
I knew you'd be in the bedroom.
I'm going to cover your entire body with kisses.
Oh! Come here, you.
Oh, you gorgeous thing.
Oh, my love.
(KISSING) Mmm! Oh, you're so gorgeous.
This is Lover.
I call him that because I want a lover that comes every time I call him.
Did you get it? I made an orgasm joke.
You know, because dogs come, and then men do the other kind of cumming.
It's kind of a play on words because I'm so naughty.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, you are so beautiful.
Do you need me to explain that again? It's coming and cumming.
C-O-M.
C-U-M.
Do you know how much I love you? (SNICKERS) Mmm, naughty.
You've probably heard the Von Vandervon name before.
We're one of Orlando's oldest and whitest families.
Very well known for our Hot Holes Heavy Putting and Snack Shack empire.
These aren't just regular, poor-people hot dogs, Miguel, okay? These are frankfurters that we cover with a corn shell.
You know what? (BLEEP) you! I really don't want any drama tonight.
I just hope things aren't going to be awkward with Tawny, because her trainer, Heath, used to train me.
We used to work a lot on my jaw muscles.
Do you get it? That was an oral sex joke.
Cover your ears.
Naughty! CRYSTAL: It's hard to believe that God could make a heaven more beautiful than Orlando.
(SIGHS) Let's give thanks.
Dear God Don't let my prayer keep you from cleaning.
Okay.
I'm Crystal Simmons and I have the perfect life.
Heavenly Father, I want to thank you for Orlando.
God has given me so much.
Health, beauty and a McMansion in West Central Florida.
I love my back porch.
It's so big and my furniture goes so well out there.
You know what? That's gonna streak.
All of that's gonna streak.
Can you just, um Can you use the vinegar mix I gave you? Thanks, Zoila.
I love my nails.
I have great nail beds.
Thank you, Lord, for my nail beds.
My husband TJ adores me.
Okay.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where are you going? It's our big Heels for Dogs party tonight.
So, I'm going to Phe Phe's house and meet my sister and we're going to get our hair done.
Sweetheart, you're forgetting, Leviticus 3:10, "A woman shall not leave her husband in a time of need.
" - And right now, I need a tuna melt.
- Mmm-hmm.
I don't really read the Bible, because TJ told me that women can't interpret it the way men can, because it's written in Jewish.
So, he just tells me what it says.
I'm only gonna be gone an hour, okay? (KISSES) Don't dillydally.
I'm gonna time you.
Okay.
- Text me when you get to the driveway.
- Okay.
- And when you get in the car.
- Okay.
Facetime me when you get there.
Send me an Instagram or something.
My name is Phe Phe.
Short for Phenomenon.
Read Esquire.
And I am a lawyer.
I own one of the largest law practices in Orlando.
But I do not let that define me.
Because I am also a cake designer, a Zumba instructor, a foot model, a certified CPA and an aspiring taxidermist.
I killed this bitch myself.
The hardest job I have is being the wife of a professional athlete.
Big game tonight, baby.
Team's counting on me.
You are going to kick ass, baby! - Your man is a baller! - He sure is.
(YELPS) (LAUGHS) (CROWD CHEERING) I love it! But hanging with the ladies really gets my mind off of things.
Like my girl Crystal, who I met at church I'm also an ordained minister.
Yeah! Yeah! - Hello! - Hey.
Hi.
Okay, I can't stay long, 'cause I don't like to leave TJ home by himself.
Girl I got to be Phe Phe and speak my mind.
Okay? Your husband is an (BLEEP) all right? Also, those shoes make your feet look like two piglets stepped into a shot glass.
It's terrible.
That's what I love about Phe Phe.
She's just gotta speak her mind.
Even if it's cruel and unnecessary.
(LAUGHS) She's just got to be Phe Phe.
Well, where's Amanda? I'm supposed to meet her here.
Girl, she did not show up.
I am so worried about her.
Your sister is a broken ass bitch, okay? And you are a dumb bitch for messing with her.
I got to be Phe Phe.
I'm speaking my mind.
I'm a true friend.
- I'm here to help.
- I know.
- You know? - I know you are.
Ugh, this is what I do.
- Mmm-hmm.
- Solve problems.
- I'm a dumb bitch.
- For real.
My name is Amanda Simmons.
You might recognize me as the Florida Prune Juice Girl from when I was a kid.
Florida Prune Juice.
As easy going in as it is going out.
"As easy going in as it is going out.
" Pretty! Those were some great years.
Ugh! How you doing, Amanda? I'm great! I'm going to be happy forever.
(ECHOING) Forever Forever But I got caught up in the wild life that comes with being a local commercial star.
The last few years, I've been up to, uh (EXHALES) Well, you know, I gave meth a whirl.
The best thing that's happened to me is Well, uh (LAUGHS) Pass.
I've been clean and sober now for seven days.
And I'm just hoping that this show will get my life together.
My therapist says it's a terrible idea.
(LAUGHS) Fired! No, Crystal, I am not drinking again.
I am very nervous about tonight.
I grew up on a set.
So, I just never learned how to interact with people socially, you know? I mean, the prunes were my friends.
Not a lot of people can say that.
But when you try to tell people that, they don't get it.
You don't get it till you've lived it.
And I'm the only person who's been the Florida Prune Juice Girl and I Yes, I promise I'll be at the party.
(SCOFFS) - I want this couch to be lavender.
- Okay.
This candle is terrible! This book is wonderful.
- I agree.
- I like this table but not a lot.
TAWNY: I'm super excited for my charity event.
And I've hired Antoine, the party planner to the Orlando stars.
These chandeliers are making me weep.
- This one for good, that one for bad.
- I got it.
Now, listen, darling, I will need $25,000 deposit for the sky writer.
Whoa, sky writer? We already have Cirque du Soleil performers, passing apps in a floating sushi bar.
This is Orlando, you go big or you go back to Kissimmee! Do you think when I was planning Hulk and Linda Hogan's divorce party that we decided to go subtle? - Well, I - No! The answer's no, for God's sake! We went huge! There was a trapeze artist, and the Blue Angels flew over and Shakira was there because they are not animals.
(SNAPS FINGERS) You done checked me, boo, let's do this! - Good.
- Will cash be all right? - Do you have $25,000 in cash in your house? - And then some.
Everybody in Orlando knows you're going broke.
I don't know what she's talking about.
I got tons of money.
Tons of it! I got it coming out of my (BLEEP).
Hey! Calm the (BLEEP) down! (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (LAUGHING) Oh, look! Oh! Hi, baby girl! - Hi! Mwah! - Mwah! - BOTH: Mwah! - (BOTH GASP) Oh! Oh! Look at you.
- You look so - You look so I mean.
You look, you look You really try.
You pulled the old gal together, didn't you? Tawny is my best friend from when we worked together as stewardesses at Hooters Airline.
- This is.
This is.
- Yeah! And when the airline shut down because of a chlamydia outbreak, we remained friends.
And we always will be.
- Where's Anthony? - Oh, funny story.
He calls me.
He's on his way to work and then he says to me, "No way I'm going to your friend's party, I hate those idiots.
" (CHUCKLES) That doesn't sound funny or like a story.
It's 'cause you don't get his sense of humor, but you should hear it, the way he imitates you, it's so funny.
(GIGGLES) I bet if I were there I would laugh.
Oh, look at this place.
- Can you stand it? Is it not to die? - Oh, my God.
- It's so cute! You know my place is so big - Oh! I never know what to do with it.
But this place is so cute and tiny.
I feel like you can do so much.
I'm gonna mingle.
Look, hi, sweetie! This place is so small.
Sometimes I feel like Shauna's a little competitive with me.
But I don't want any drama tonight.
So I'm gonna confront her about it.
Oh, thank you.
- Sweetheart, what? Spit that out.
- Oh, my gosh! Lord, we thank you for this artisan sourdough, aged gouda and sun-dried tomato.
In your name, God bless America.
Amen.
Amanda, where have you been? I've been worried about you.
I got lost.
You live next door.
Well, the driveway is really confusing.
Being in a large social setting can really push my sister, Amanda, over the edge and back into addiction.
You don't know if you should take the lawn, or continue on the cement Why would you take the lawn? That's why I felt like I had to invite her to the party tonight.
- You got like, claw marks on you.
- Look, I know.
There was animals and I was just seeing if they could help guide me back but they were like (IMITATES SNARLING) - VERONICA: Tawny, darling! - Oh, angel! Oh! BOTH: Mwah! Oh, my God, your body looks amazing! Oh, stop it! I heard that you are training with Heath? You know he used to train me.
(CHUCKLES) Well (CHUCKLES) I guess he's moved on to train someone younger.
Someone who can keep up.
Darling, I can train all night.
And I train in the butt.
Y'all are not talking about exercise, right? Well, our training is based on love and respect.
What does your husband think about all this training? (SCOFFS) (SOBBING) How dare you bring up my dying husband! PHIL: Hey, hon.
Why, you did a bang up job on this party! I keep telling Tawny I'm not dying.
I just have really bad allergies.
Phil, I told you not to come down, get back in bed! You're the boss! PHIL: It's sweet.
How much she worries about me.
(CHUCKLES) He really could go at any minute.
You know what? You don't need to get defensive.
I really don't want any drama tonight.
Okay? This is my charity event.
I'm the one that doesn't want the drama.
Ladies, can we please not do this here? I do not want the drama.
Hey, I paid to not have the drama.
So, it's my right to not have the drama tonight.
You don't own all the drama Tonight, I do! I was pissed at Veronica.
But tonight was about the dogs.
The dogs who need high heels.
So, I let it go.
Well, let's agree - to disagree.
- To disagree.
(BOTH) I was saying that first.
You don't know what I'm going to say.
(APPLAUSE) Thank you all for coming.
I started this charity because I saw so many dogs having to walk the hot streets of Orlando without any protection on their feet.
But it's also personal.
No.
I wasn't gonna tell this story but (GASPS) This one time, I lost my high heels on the beach.
I had no idea where they were and I was looking around for them.
Like over a half an hour.
- (GASPS) - And it was awful! It was awful.
I told myself I wasn't going to cry.
Phil, down! Down, Phil.
So, with your help, each dog will receive their own pair of high heels.
And for that, you can be very proud.
And now, for your pleasure, step outside and see my name written across the sky.
- AMANDA: Really? - (CROWD APPLAUDING) Please.
I mean, don't you think this is rather cheap? A dog has four paws.
You give them one pair of shoes? Clearly they need two pairs of shoes.
PHE PHE: Mmm.
I mean, it's a little tacky.
Mmm.
When I heard what Veronica said about the charity, I thought it would ruin Tawny's night.
So, it was only right to tell Tawny.
Hey! Hey! - Oh, what? - Did you call me cheap? I thought you wanted her to know.
I have got to be Phe Phe.
Okay, you know what? Yes, I did call you cheap.
Because you know what? You are only giving these poor dogs one pair of shoes.
And they have four feet.
(SCOFFS) My husband is dying.
I don't have time to figure out how many feet dogs have! Well, dogs are like humans.
So, they have two arms and two legs.
- Yeah, that's right.
- No! That's why it's okay to eat their food.
CRYSTAL: Amanda! Dogs have four paws.
Paws are considered legs.
That is exactly right.
Shauna, why are you on her side? Okay, you're my best friend, unless you're just jealous of me.
(SCOFFS) Jealous of you? Of what? I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe because of all my money.
Because everyone in Orlando knows that you spent all your husband's money.
And you guys are going broke.
(GASPS) That's not true! That is a rumor that was spread by someone who I told that to.
Oh, my God! I got it.
Jesus made dogs after dinosaurs, right? So, they could be our pets.
And Jesus knows that pets all have four legs.
- Okay, that's insane.
- What? But it supports my argument.
Mmm-mmm.
No, no, no.
I have seen a dog wave its paw.
That means the paws are hands.
No, I disagree.
Because a dog can wave its foot.
Arms and legs look very similar.
- Oh, yeah.
Maybe to an idiot.
- (INDISTINCT SHOUTING) Oh, you need to calm down.
What did you say to me? I think you heard me.
You need to calm down.
Do not tell me to calm down.
Why don't you calm down? You know what? You both need to calm down.
No, no, no.
You need to calm down.
(SQUABBLING) Damn! (SQUABBLING CONTINUES) I know you were on my side, but then you said the other thing.
I really didn't want there to be any drama tonight.
We are going to have prostitution lessons.
Ahhh! Yay! Hey, baby, I wanna eat your (BLEEP).
We're going to have liquor at an intervention party? That's tacky.
That's Tallahassee tacky.
I'm screwin' your wife.
I also got a hand job from your sister.
Why don't we just pick a vagina that you like? Oh, we have fun.
I do not want any drama - Arrest all of them.
- What, what, what? I am not leaving! It is not my fault that your face can't handle a little poison.
I don't want to be friends with any of you bitches.
You're my best friend.
I have never felt closer to anybody Rehab can wait.
Rehab's not going anywhere.
This is very sad.
It's pathetic.
I don't wanna your drama I'm an amazing singer.
I don't wanna your drama Thank God, you're back in my life.
Oh, I love you so much.
So, I called you here today to tell you we are no longer friends.
No, no.
You're my best friend.
God damn it.
You guys are all really annoying.
I'm so mad right now.
I'm going to kill you.
Nothing mellows us out like tequila.
(SCREAMING) It's not fair! (SCREAMING) I'm your friend! Phil! Thank God, my vagina does not look like that.
(ALL SCREAMING) Pow! (SCREAMING) You know, that kinda was a lot of drama.
Shalom, it's me.
Matty Green, host of The Hotwives Cool Down.
Wild first epi of The Hotwives of Orlando.
I mean, can you believe that Tawny told Shauna to calm down? I know! It doesn't get crazier than that.
Stay tuned for my after-show where my guests, Rachael Ray and Donald Rumsfeld, debate whether dogs' paws are considered hands or feet.
And we'll also play a drinking game where we find out why we really invaded Iraq.
Drink when you hear the word Guantanamo, bitches! Stay tuned.