The Iliza Shlesinger Sketch Show (2020) s01e01 Episode Script

1
[upbeat opening credits playing]
Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend ♪
Pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪
[cursor whooshing]
[screen ticking]
[screen chimes]
- [guitar riff plays]
- What up? This is gonna be sick.
Sam, are you ready to get hurt?
- Hell, yeah! Born ready.
- [friends laugh]
Sammy's gonna ring the doorbell
of her ex-boyfriend,
even though she knows his new girlfriend
lives there right now.
It's gonna be sick.
- Yeah!
- [all laughing and yelling]
- Let's get it!
- [friends] Yeah!
[country rock music plays]
[country rock music fades]
[doorbell rings]
Hey. What are you doing here?
[energetically] I am still single,
and last week,
I made a fake Instagram account
to stalk your girlfriend,
and she's prettier than me!
[friends scream and laugh]
What the
[yelling] Oh, my God!
That hurt my heart so bad!
Let's see that again in slow-mo. [laughs]
[slowed and distorted] I'm still single
- [friends] No!
- No, no! Who cares?
- [friend 1] It's okay!
- [friend 2] You're everything!
- [Iliza sobs]
- [friend 1] You--
You're gonna find someone.
You're gonna be good, and you know what?
Smol, dude, you're smol.
- [meekly] I'm smol.
- [friend 3] And rare.
- And rare.
- Yeah!
- Smol and rare!
- [friends] Yeah!
- [country rock music plays]
- [all screaming and laughing]
[country rock music fades]
- [whimsical music plays]
- [female host] Meet the Shlesingers.
Seemingly normal newlyweds
on the outside,
but with a twist,
once you step inside their home.
No. She is not like other wives.
- [frisbee splats]
- Look alive! [barks]
When we first started dating,
she was this
How do you say it?
Uh, girl?
But, since we got married [chuckles]
it's like she's my bro, and my wife.
[blows raspberry]
She's my husband-wife.
- [hands slap]
- [gruff] Brothers.
Yeah.
[pats butt, howls]
[host] Husband Wife
an all-new docu-series
on ISC.
All right. [claps]
Let's get you jerked off
so you're not horny at dinner.
- Come on.
- All right. [chuckles]
[female host] From their unconventional
marriage dynamic
- Whoa! Put your butt away!
- [whimsical music fades]
No one's trying to see that.
[host] to their unexpected
sleeping challenges.
[husband laughs] Yeah.
Sharing a bed with her is a whole thing.
- [lighthearted music plays]
- You didn't flush!
This big. Do you see that?
That's the size of a full-grown bass.
That's my girl.
I love you.
Don't you flush that.
Bass dump!
- You want some fruit punch?
- Sure.
- [fruit thuds]
- [husband] Oh!
[both grunting]
[host] See how they attempt
to navigate life
- as a normal couple
- Oh
[host] in a society
that shuns their lifestyle.
- [dish clatters]
- [belches and gasps]
[clicks tongue] Oh, it got foamy.
[burps and sighs]
[host] ISC's Husband Wife.
- [Iliza exhales deeply]
- [chuckles]
- Come on.
- No,
- come on, I
- Come on.
[Iliza giggles] You feel that?
- Yeah.
- That's our dinner.
- [husband chuckles]
- [sighs]
[host] Tuesday at one-ish on ISC.
- [warbled] You wanna feel the chicken?
- [chuckles]
- And you have a chicken.
- [lighthearted music fades]
- [cheery music plays]
- You may be wondering,
"Do I need a catheter?"
And the answer is,
maybe.
Why not stick one in
and see how you like it?
- [dance music plays]
- I'm Ellen Plebles, and this is week two
of the Ripped Fat Dudes workout.
A four-week program I designed
to keep you in the best shape
you can be
as an adult male who eats
peanut butter sandwiches in between meals.
Let's meet some of our trainers.
This is Joe.
He's my advanced Ripped Fat Dude.
Notice Joe's pecs are puffy.
Nebulous, shapeless.
They're almost a full A cup.
Joe, tell everyone how you maintain
that Ripped Fat Dude shape.
Well, I used to play baseball,
I ate waffles
- three to four times a day.
- Nice, Joe.
- [hands clap]
- Now let's blast through
five grown-man push-ups slowly. Hit it.
- [exhales]
- I want you to notice Joe's form.
See how he keeps it wide.
That way, he's guaranteed to get
a jacked armpit, covered in stretch marks.
This is the perfect workout to do
at your niece's christening
or in the parking lot of any Best Buy.
And when you're done,
make sure to chug down
one to two full-calorie
Monster Energy drinks.
[slaps back] Nice job, Joe.
Three [exhales sharply]
two
one.
Rest.
I always like to incorporate
- [weight clatters]
- an excruciatingly slow bicep curl
into every workout I do. Why?
Because it does not burn any calories.
That way, you can get a ripped shoulder
with a generous layer of fat covering it.
And that's how we're going to maintain
that Ripped Fat Dude Physique.
Remember, the Ripped Fat Dude
workout plan is all about adding bulk
without any definition.
You wanna look like a potato
that's been squeezed by thumbs.
We're talking Matt Damon
in between movies,
or Russell Crowe at his absolute peak.
Make sure to down a 64-ounce
Hot Sweat at every meal.
Active recovery.
I'm Ellen Plebles.
I'll see you Ripped Fat Dudes around.
And by around,
I mean hanging out doing nothing
on the perimeter of every MMA gym
in South Boston.
Let's get it.
- [hands clap]
- [dance music fades]
[guitar riff plays]
We're here at Rick's Snake Farm.
Shit's about to get real messed up
- because I brought my friend, Liz
- Hi.
who wasn't invited
because she and Sammy
are kind of on the outs right now,
since Liz dropped out last minute
to Sammy's 35th in Palm Springs,
but I'm pretty sure
Liz still paid for the room.
- I did.
- So Sammy has no reason to still be upset.
Either way, I did not text Sammy
to let her know Liz was coming.
- You didn't tell her?
- Let's do this.
I'd rather not.
[country rock music playing]
[country rock music fades]
What's up? I'm Sammy Nashville,
and we're at Rick's Snake Pit.
- We're gonna go get some snakes--
- Hey, Sammy!
Hi, Liz.
Hi.
I brought Liz.
I can see that.
- What did you do?
- What?
- Let's talk.
- [friend] Okay.
- The show at my expense!
- [Iliza] What's wrong with you?
What do you mean what's wrong with me?
- This is my show!
- I get it, I get it!
- [Iliza] She is a bitch--
- But whatever, she's our friend--
You guys, I'm standing, like,
three feet away!
[country rock music resumes]
[friend] It was a sick-ass stunt
that hurt everyone involved, even me.
Next time, on Female Jackass,
Stef's gonna tell me that everyone
thinks I'm kind of a bitch. [sighs]
But the truth is, if they just
took a second to get to know me,
they'd see that I'm actually really shy.
[friends weep softly]
[country rock music fades]
- [crowd cheering]
- Look at those lips! ♪
And look at those feet! ♪
Which one is smaller?
Your lips or your feet? ♪
[male narrator] She was the greatest star
in the world.
I love you! [laughs]
I'm your biggest fan!
[narrator] One of the greatest songwriters
in history.
You are so tiny ♪
You've got a chubby little body ♪
And you've got a stinky fish mouth ♪
I kiss you [kisses]
[sentimental music playing]
[interviewer] Your album
is triple platinum,
- you've got 14 Grammys,
- [crowd cheers faintly]
sold out world tour.
You're the only artist
to perform alongside her own hologram.
Tell me, how did this all start?
[takes a deep breath]
It was a long time ago
[Iliza] I frame your nose with my hand ♪
I squeeze your body ♪
Let's not pretend
You're not made of meat ♪
Your wrinkly poof ♪
- Now shake that beat! ♪
- [glass clinks]
[falsetto] Tiniest doggy in the world ♪
Littlest doggy in the land ♪
Your body is made of meat ♪
And your lips are made of beef ♪
[playfully] A creature that is meaty ♪
You do it
With your neck beard ♪
And shake it
With your neck beard ♪
And little paws
Cha-cha-cha ♪
And little paws ♪
Cha-cha-cha
And cha-cha-cha ♪
And cha-cha-ch ♪
You write that?
I think you've got what it takes.
Gee, I don't know, mister.
I'm just a waitress who sings
tiny songs to her
tiny dog.
There's someone I'd like you to meet.
Iliza, this is Buddy.
Oh, hi.
You think you could, uh
do one for him?
You've got a thick paw,
- [phone chimes]
- and you know it's true.
You've got flappy lips,
and you know it's you.
Now, shake that thick body.
Shake that thick body.
You've gotta share this gift
with the world.
[narrator] The true story
of a once-in-a-lifetime talent.
And all the dogs were there. I mean,
the dogs are always there, but I was
Oh.
Pan Pan likes you.
[both breathe heavily]
[narrator] Full of love
[Iliza exhales]
- and
- Iliza!
betrayal.
I wanna see my wife.
- Sorry.
- I'm her husband.
She's with a fan right now.
A fan?
Yeah.
[husband scoffs]
Okay.
- [camera shutters]
- Thank you so much!
- [crowd cheering]
- We love you! We love you!
Bye!
[narrator]
Follow a star's meteoric rise
[all chattering and laughing]
- [cameras shuttering]
- [reporters clamoring]
[sentimental music softens]
and cosmic collapse.
[screaming]
- [picture thuds]
- [jackets rustle]
- [grunts]
- [glass shatters]
- [grunts and slaps]
- With unpredictable twists
[husband] Iliza!
[gasps] Leave us alone.
[yelling] I don't know
who you are anymore!
You've got feet ♪
Cats don't get songs.
Cat feet, high in the sky ♪
[cries] I can't be here.
You gotta get back out there, kid.
[dramatic effects play]
There's dogs everywhere
who need to hear the nonsense you sing.
and an unbelievable comeback.
[crowd cheering]
[small voice] Iliza?
Yes!
It's me! [inhales sharply]
You can do this.
I believe in you.
If I'm a tiny dog, then you're
a big person.
[narrator] The inspiring story
of one of the most iconic voices in music.
All the tiny ♪
Dogs! ♪
[screeching] Dogs! ♪
Why does she need a band?
[sentimental music fading]
[male narrator]
The world is a dangerous place.
- [point scrapes]
- From natural disasters,
to gun violence and more,
- [people screaming]
- tragedy could strike
- [explodes]
- any time.
It's important to stay informed,
so you can stay safe.
[dubious music playing]
What if there was an app
that warned you about emergencies
- [alarm beeps]
- Oh.
with up-to-the-minute notifications
to keep you out of harm's way?
- Introducing Mom Alert.
- [fun music plays]
Breaking news on the biggest threats
from a team of moms
with their fingers on the pulse.
I can get back to my journaling now.
[alarm beeping]
"Salmonella outbreak in Italy.
Dirty shrimp.
Please stay safe."
Phew!
[narrator] Just plug in your location
to start getting updates about emergencies
within the radius of the entire Earth.
You can even customize your preferences
by type of tragedy,
- [alarm beeps]
- and then continue to receive alerts
about all of them,
no matter what you pick.
I was all set to go
on my honeymoon in Italy.
Then Mom Alerts told me about my cousin
being robbed in Toronto one time.
[exhales sharply] I dodged that bullet.
I travel a lot for work.
On a recent trip to Colorado,
Mom Alerts reminded me
about JonBenét Ramsey.
Thank God.
[alarm beeps]
[beeping continues]
If it wasn't for Mom Alerts,
I wouldn't know
about my mom's friend Jody's son,
the one who went to Tups.
He got his moles checked.
He's fine.
[narrator] Our moms are working
around the clock, ready whenever,
wherever, to send you instant alerts
as soon as the news breaks,
and delayed warnings
that come several years later
about something they kind of remember.
Life-or-death news alerts
the way you want them,
sandwiched between cryptic,
mundane updates
about other things.
And sign up for Mom Alert Premium
to hear audio warnings
with even more detail.
[woman] Valeria said it has a bad battery.
Or something. I don't remember.
And it exploded in someone's mouth.
Blew up their whole head.
Or something like that.
It's a lawsuit.
Did you see this?
Anyway, just calling to make sure
that you don't have that toothbrush.
Thanks, Mom Alerts?
[narrator] And coming soon, Dad Alert.
- [phone beeps]
- [man] Hey, buddy.
It's just this message.
Twice a day. Nothing else.
- [fun music fades]
- [group chuckles and applauds]
Wow!
We made that. Huh?
Wow! Right?
I mean, goes without saying, and yet
here I am saying it,
we are so pleased with how this campaign
is being received.
Right? Bridget, do you care to walk us
through some of the roll-out details?
[chuckles] So, we launched last month
across digital,
traditional, streaming, and even print.
- [woman] Ooh!
- [Bridget laughs] It was a bold strategy,
but the numbers are really paying off.
- Incredible.
- [Bridget] Okay! [laughs]
That is really exciting stuff.
- [Bridget] I'll take it.
- That is really exciting stuff.
Now, who we're dealing with here,
you know, they're a high premium brand.
And so, success here
[crunches into nectarine]
[muffled] It means that
that we can work
with those kinds of high caliber brands.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
If I could just jump in for a second.
We've had some fantastic calls
with Martin's head, uh, you know,
- and Traegus Solutions.
- [Bridget] Oh, yeah.
And if we circle back next week,
I think we can close those deals.
- [group mumbling]
- [man] Yeah.
And I would add Hodge to that list, too.
Hunter and I had a great conversation
with them last month,
and I wanna circle back with them
'cause I think they're really ready
to do some business.
[slurping]
[muffled] Thank you, Sonia.
I love to know that.
[muffled] No problem.
[muffled] Oh, this is gonna come
as no surprise to all you guys, but
it all comes back to the creator.
You know?
Chris, congrats again on that.
I wonder if you wanna talk
You know, from a content perspective,
about
[chews loudly] how that went down?
We were really working with
a great team of creatives,
- who I think totally got the product.
- [group slurps and chews loudly]
[muffled] Sonia
Were you able to connect with the client?
Not since last week, uh, but
[muffled] I'm gonna see Kathy
at the event on Tuesday.
I'm gonna circle around with her
to see if they're still ready to engage.
- [woman] If I could just chime in here
- [chews loudly]
[muffled] This has no doubt been a success
on so many levels, all right?
- But, from a sales perspective,
- [nectarine thuds]
I think that we can do better in Q3.
[muffled mumbling]
What we need to do is increase the money
for these types of projects specifically.
[muffled] I wanna say
it's possible that this deal
pre-dates our new sales goals.
- Or at least,
- [nectarine thuds]
will be made more explicit.
[muffled] And we can go granular on that
on the sales call on Friday.
I'll make a note of that.
Here's the thing
- [nectarine splats]
- Just real quick, Hunter and Hoyt,
if you guys can't hear us right now,
it's because we're on this end
digging into some fabulous
- nectarines. So tasty,
- [nectarine thuds]
so supple, so fresh.
- Really, really juicy.
- [man mumbles]
- [Bridget] Oh!
- Oh, my God!
- [thuds]
- [Hoyt, muffled] It isn't an issue here.
We're hearing you loud and clear.
Thanks, Hoyt. Hunter?
[Hunter, muffled] Same situation here.
We've had ourselves [mumbling].
Just let us know
- [thuds]
- if our nectarines become an issue.
They haven't. It's been fine.
Okay, great, then we're all
on the same page.
Actually, Hunter, now might be
a really good time
to get some developments
of what's going on your end, so
[thudding continues]
What's new in Singapore, brother?
[Hunter] We've gone on really
good meetings out here.
I wouldn't say anything was closed,
but I would say [chuckles]
- we're close.
- [sputters and laughs]
[group laughs]
- [Chris pounds table]
- [laughing continues]
Come on! Come on!
[Sonia gargles and laughs]
- [Chris] Oh, my God.
- Ah
[man] I think that's enough updates
for the afternoon.
I just wanna be the first to thank you all
for giving us time today.
- It was our pleasure! Our pleasure.
- [group mumbles]
That's what we're here for. [laughs]
[yelling] Iliza! Brett!
- Can we get y'all in here?
- [Sonia] Here we go. Hit me, baby.
- Hello!
- [man] Hit me, hit me!
[transition hisses]
[mellow music playing]
[exhales heavily]
Baby?
- Hmm?
- [sighs]
I just don't think we can afford
a trip this year.
[scoffs] Babe. You know I need a vacation.
I know.
This is garbage.
Wait, what is this?
Paula, look.
Come over here. This is insane.
- Hmm?
- London for $100.
- What?
- Round trip to Maui,
- $55.
- Wow.
Two hundred dollars to Shanghai?
Ibiza? [exaggerated French accent] Paris?
- [Paula] Uh, that's amazing.
- Do we love?
[exaggerated] It's amazing.
Yeah. So, okay, wait, wait, wait.
What does the fine print say?
- "Some restrictions apply." Okay.
- Okay.
"Posted fees include tax
and do not include additional bag charges.
Also, you may have to kiss your dad
for six whole minutes?
Blackout dates apply.
You and your best friend
have to get matching haircuts.
Extended leg room
offered at an additional charge.
You can only bring one carry-on bag
and it must be a hamster.
No food is allowed on the flight
unless you bring enough for everyone.
Anyone who says the word
"me" or "I" or "plane"
will be doused in soup."
- Uh--
- I'm thinking
- no.
- Let's go for it.
- [plane hums]
- Obviously.
- [intercom chimes]
- [woman] Thank you and we do hope
you have a good flight.
- I'm so glad we did this.
- Aw.
- [French accent] Paris, baby.
- [giggles]
[sighs] I'm glad we're almost
halfway there.
I'm just gonna, like,
grab a little shuteye.
- Oh, yeah. Do you, babe.
- Yeah, baby.
Okay.
- [intercom chimes]
- [carnival music plays loudly]
[jovial, thin voice] Hello!
And welcome!
I'm Cashew Albacore,
CEO and inventor of Air Cashew,
the world's first airline
owned by just me.
I hope you love adventure
because it's time to flew.
- After 30 years
- [mouths] What?
in the rat and mustard business,
I saved up enough money
to buy my own airline.
- Me even designed the uniforms.
- [curtains rustle]
Spiffo!
Beverage? We have hot soda and warm hair.
- No, thank you.
- Ew.
We're committed to staying in the air
once we've taken off.
- [trumpets blow]
- And now, it's Pine Cone Time!
- [pine cones rustle]
- [both yelling]
[Cashew] Our air is different
- [air vents hiss]
- from other airlines,
[sing-songy] but I won't tell you how.
- [both] We're gonna die!
- [Cashew] Gonna die.
Your words, not mine.
I prefer words like
truffle pig, hot scrod, goose dust,
- We're gonna die.
- and the Spanish word for dream,
sueño.
It took a big, hot sueño
to sew this plane together.
- Sew?
- [Cashew] So,
all our planes are homemade
and FDA-certified, nom nom.
I tried to buy
my own sports team,
but no one wanted to be called
the Denver Doodles of Nashville.
[playfully] So I turned my sights
to the skies.
I can't believe this is happening.
- [alarm beeps]
- Did you say "I"?
- [curtains rustle]
- Danni,
- in 3C.
- [soup splats]
[screams]
Okay. Okay.
[Cashew] Better not complain,
or we'll have to wake up the pilot.
- [trumpets blow]
- Just kidding! It's me,
and welcome to Cashew Air,
the only airline
where you can earn
- points.
- [both groaning]
So, fasten your meatbelts,
- [intercom chimes]
- and go to sleep,
- [item thuds]
- because you're on Cashew Air.
Cashew Air!
- Something is wrong with me.
- [intercom chimes]
[upbeat closing credits playing]
Slip into your house shoes ♪
There ain't nobody like you ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh! ♪
You're the captain of the pontoon ♪
Now it's time that you know it's true ♪
And with all your favorite friends
Playing pretend, pretend, pretend ♪
Oh, oh!