The Incredible Adventures Of Professor Branestawm (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 That's it.
Backs straight.
Heads up.
Keep your feet dainty.
Dainty, Martha.
You look like a wounded Heffalump with a wooden leg.
Smile, Connie, smile.
You will never get yourself a good husband until you learn to smile and be pretty.
Ah! I won't.
I simply won't.
It's silly and pointless.
Deportment is not silly and pointless, Connie.
I want to learn proper things.
I want to learn science and maths and civil engineering.
There is no point in teaching girls science and maths and civil engineering.
All you need to learn to snare a husband is cooking and sewing and being nice I don't want a stupid husband.
I don't want to be nice.
I want to do great things.
I want to make medicine that saves millions of lives.
I want to build hydroelectric dams and rockets that will fly to the moon.
Don't be so ridiculous, Connie! A GIRL will never do things like that.
~ Now, carry on with your lesson.
~ I won't.
Then I'm sending you home, until you learn how to behave.
~ I won't.
~ Your mother will not be pleased.
If only your father were still around to discipline you properly! Well, he's not around any more, is he? But if he was I bet he would come in here right now and tell you off for not teaching me useful things.
Hello, Connie.
Whoa! Oh! Hello, Connie.
I wonder if I might tell you about my scheme to send ~ hand-knitted waistcoats to the citizens of ~ Oh! Ow! Ow! Watch where you're going, you young hooligan, you nearly knocked me over.
Come along, Angelica.
~ Is she all right? ~ Of course she's all right.
We're the injured parties here.
I've a good mind to sue her.
Ah, hello, Mr Bullimore.
I wonder if I might tell you about my scheme to send hand-knitted waistcoats to the citizens of South Crashbania? Oh, good day.
Connie? What are you doing home from school so early? Is everything all right, lovey? No, everything is NOT all right.
School is stupid, and the lessons are stupid and the other girls are stupid and Miss Blitherington is especially stupid.
Oh, dear.
You haven't been arguing about your lessons again, have you? I might have been.
I want to learn stuff, Mum.
Useful stuff.
Oh, lovey, whatever are we going to do with you? And what are we going to do with this clock? That blooming Branestawm man was supposed to have fixed it.
~ You never went to see the professor? ~ It was your Aunt Maggie's idea.
She thought he might get it working again.
Nothing's right in the world.
Here, Connie, I've got an idea.
Seeing as you're not at school, you can make yourself busy and run an errand for me.
Oh! Would you take this clock back to the professor? Really? Really truly? ~ You'll let me visit the professor? ~ Just this once.
If it'll cheer you up.
But you've always said it would be too dangerous for me.
Are you bothered? Connie, you've still got your books on your head, love.
Oh.
That's clever.
Now, you be careful and hurry straight back.
Professor Branestawm, you have a visitor! Argh! Ouch! Please enter.
Argh! Oomph! Hello.
Hello? Hello?! Hello.
~ Are you all right.
~ Quite all right, thank you for asking.
Only you just flew out a window.
I'm doing some spring cleaning.
~ Oh.
~ Spring cleaning is a silly, messy, tiresome, time-consuming business and my housekeeper, Mrs Flittersnoop, doesn't enjoy it one bit, which is why I've invented a machine to do it for her - the Professor Branestawm House Cleaning Machine! ~ How does it work? ~ Well, it's quite simple, really, collects up all the rubbish and whatnot and wherefore and why on Earth, ~ and throws it out! ~ That's clever.
~ Yes.
Isn't it? It throws out everything - dust, dirt, fluff .
.
chairs .
.
wardrobes MEOW! Hmm, that looks like a cat .
.
and people.
I think I might have the cleaning level set rather too high.
The machine's getting a little carried away.
Do you have some paper? Yes So, if the apex of the triangle ABC bisects the line DE Just as I thought! Left to its own devices it might destroy the whole house.
Interesting.
I can only hope that it There we go.
It's thrown itself out.
Oh! Ah! Ah, Mrs Flittersnoop! Hello, Auntie Maggie.
~ Is it dangerous? ~ Highly.
Don't you think we ought to stop it? Most probably.
Which is why I've called for Colonel Dedshott.
Who's Colonel Dedshott? Who's Colonel Dedshott? Who is Colonel Dedshott? Great heavens! Oh, my goodness me, and all that.
That is Colonel Dedshott of the Catapult Cavaliers.
What has happened? And why? And how? Accident? Explosion? ~ Insurrection? ~ Spring cleaning.
This is more serious than I thought! Battle stations! Man the catapults! ~ Charge! ~ The colonel has never missed a train, an enemy, or an opportunity of getting into danger! Ooh! Ah! I really think we ought to do something.
~ Hmm.
We could have tea, I suppose.
~ Oh! ~ What was that? ~ I think it was a vase.
Yes, Ming dynasty, early 15th century No, Woolworths.
Why do you have so many pairs of glasses? Oh, well, these are for reading, these are for writing, these are for looking at things very close up.
Good lord, a little girl! These are for looking at things very far away.
Hm, somebody in Germany is setting fire to their trousers.
These are for looking at you over the top of.
Hm, another little girl.
Are you twins? Interesting.
These are for outdoors.
And these Hm, these aren't mine.
Don't know how they got in there.
And these Ah! ~ These are the most valuable pair! ~ What are they for? They're for looking for the others when I can't find them.
Glasses have a nasty habit of hiding from you.
~ Ooooh! ~ Come back here, you coward! Hello, Auntie! Stop that man! Get this thing off me! Ah, well done, that man! I'm glad I had the foresight to invent an off switch for my device.
I really am too clever for my own good sometimes.
Really, this is intolerable! ~ Oh! ~ I couldn't agree more.
Spring cleaning.
Bad business.
Miss Silt, I want you to keep a complete record of proceedings.
~ Take down everything I say.
~ Yes, Mr Haggerstone, sir.
Now, you, I presume, are Professor Branestawm.
I am he.
Yes, I am.
Marmalade? He am.
He is.
I can vouch for he for him.
The man is a phenomenon, absolute genius.
I can't understand half the things he says.
In fact, to tell you the truth, I don't understand a word of it.
Much too brainy for me.
Makes my head go round and round.
Hm.
I am Councillor Harold Haggerstone, of the Pagwell Town Council, and I am here to tell you that there have been complaints, Professor.
~ Complaints? ~ Complaints? ~ Complaints.
~ Complaints.
~ What sort of complaints? ~ Complaints? ~ Complaints.
Of noise, and mess and, I don't know, explosions and general disruption, that sort of thing.
That sort of thing.
I've not met General Disruption.
I know a Colonel Dedshott.
In fact, there he is! Standing right there.
What a coincidence.
Colonel, we were just talking about you.
~ Pleased to meet you, Mr Horrid Hag.
~ Haggerstone.
~ Haggerstone.
~ If you say so.
I have reason to believe, Professor, that you have constructed an unlicensed workshop in your garden that poses a threat to health and safety, and I have orders for it to be torn down.
There must be some mistake.
The professor has permission to build his laboratory from the council.
I'm quite sure of it.
It says here in very small writing, that if you want to protest against the council's decision, you can go to the town hall meeting on Friday morning.
Well, there's no need for that.
The professor has a permit.
I remember it arrived on my birthday.
And I remember it was my birthday because the professor gave me ~ a brand-new camera ~ Happy birthday, by the way.
Oh, thank you very much.
It was a few years ago now.
You can attend the meeting if you wish, ~ but, I'm warning you, Branestawm ~ No, I am warning you ~ Argh! ~ Is that with three or four As, sir? No-one threatens my professor, Mr Harrid Hog! ~ Haggerstone.
~ I'll be the judge of that! ~ Do you have a licence for that catapult? ~ A licence? I'll have you know, sir, I won catapulting gold at the Commonwealth Games! Hm.
Good day to you gentlemen, madam.
Mmm.
I'll get him! Ah! Oh! Ah! Agh! Who on Earth was that? ~ Fella by the name of Hobbit Hole.
~ Haggerstone.
Not to be trusted - shifty type, ~ keeps changing his name.
~ Doesn't like toast.
~ Precisely! I'm not one to complain, but this is one of those days.
First your cleaning machine turns the house upside down and inside out, and then comes at me like a wild thing, so it does, and then the council comes nosing around with paperwork and warnings and I don't know what.
~ Are you all right, Auntie? ~ I'm all a flutter, so I am, and me turned 40 - ahem! - this twelvemonth.
It's a shame, that's what it is.
I shall need a lie down.
Ee, Connie, what are you doing here? I brought the clock back that the professor mended for my mum.
Oh, don't tell me.
It's not quite right.
No, it's not right.
It's all quite wrong.
Mum was wondering if you could take another look at it? Follow me! This is my Inventory, where I do all my inventing and suchlike.
We'll have your clock fixed in three shakes of a lamb's jiffy.
This is brilliant! Look at all this stuff.
What's this? That is a machine for herding cats.
And this? What's this? One of my latest inventions.
A portable telephone, imagine that! A telephone that you can always have with you.
~ That would be amazing.
~ Then prepare to be amazed by the Professor Branestawm Portable Telephone Device Thing! Ah.
Touch.
Hello? Hello, could you get me Lower Pagwell 232, please? Thank you.
Hello? Who is this? What do you mean I called you? I'm very busy demonstrating my new telephone, I don't have time to be making phone calls.
Stop bothering me or I shall report you to the police, the Army, the Navy and the RSPCA! I call it a mobile telephone! I am working on a similar device for the police.
So they can call the station when they're out chasing burglars and smugglers and female impersonators and the like.
Imagine that! A police box that you could travel around in? Now, who were you again, and what is it you want? I'm Mrs Flittersnoop's sister Aggie's little girl, Connie, ~ and I've brought Mum's clock back.
~ Ah, yes, mmm, I remember this.
I made some adjustments to it to improve its workings.
It'll never run down and never need winding up ever again.
But it's striking too many times.
How so? How so? How so? How so? Well, at six o'clock in the evening it struck 18 times, ~ and at midnight it struck 24.
~ That's not a mistake.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's a 24-hour clock, my dear, it's the modern way.
Yes, but at one o'clock in the morning it struck 25 and woke the cat.
And at two o'clock in the morning it struck 26, and so on.
Mmm, that's not right.
It must be adding a chime every hour.
Look, it's coming up to four o'clock.
Hm, by my calculations, it should strike 40 times.
Yes, I see the problem.
There is a simple way to fix it, however.
~ Really.
~ Yes.
There.
Tell your mother it'll never wake the cat ever again.
~ But how are we going to tell the time? ~ Ah ~ How's your end, Colonel? ~ Be careful.
Mind your backs.
I'm much better going forwards.
I'm not one to retreat.
I don't know how your mother let it get to this stage! You really should have brought it to me sooner.
Could you pass me that screwdriver, please? Thank you.
I wish I could be like you.
Inventing things in my own Inventory.
But all they teach me at school is how to find a nice husband and make tea for him and give him his slippers ~ when he comes home from work.
~ Slippers? Tea? Husbands? Otters? ~ I never said otters.
~ Quite right, too.
Otters have no place in this conversation.
Leave otters out of it! But this won't do, this won't do at all.
Science is a wonderful thing.
I shall teach you everything I know about it.
Really? Are you sure? That'd be fantastic.
Tell me, what sort of an experiment would you like to start off with? An explosion? My favourite sort! Bandits! Saboteurs! Female impersonators! We're under attack, Mrs Flittersnoop! That went very well, I thought.
Very well indeed.
Mrs Flittersnoop, time for tea.
After all, the clock has just struck 40.
Oh, what have you done now? Look at the state of you both.
My sister Aggie will have a purple fit.
I have been giving this small person, whoever she is, possibly some kind of pygmy, science lessons.
But you won't be able to give me any more if the council comes and closes down your Inventory and stops your experiments.
Hmm.
You must make sure you go to the meeting on Friday.
Tell them all about the amazing stuff you've invented, like the mobile telephone, and the cat herder.
The cat herder doesn't actually work.
And then they'll understand, and they won't make you close down your Inventory.
Not sure the telephone does, either.
Or that.
Oh, the factories may be roaring With a boom-a-lacka zoom-a-lacka wee But there isn't any roar when the clock strikes four Everything stops for tea Oh, a lawyer in a courtroom In the middle of an alimony plea Has to stop and help them pour when the clock strikes four Stop that! Everything stops for tea It's a very good English custom And a stimulant for the brain When you feel a little weary A cup will make you cheery And it's cheaper than champagne Oh, ah! Now I know just why Franz Schubert Didn't finish his unfinished symphony Oh! He might have written more, but the clock struck four And everything stops for tea.
Hurry up, Professor, the council meeting is at ten o'clock! As you can see, it will provide a huge boost to the economy of Pagwell - indeed, the entire area of Upper Pagwell, Lower Pagwell, Great Pagwell, Pagwell Green and Pagwell-Under-Water.
Which is why I am urging you, ladies and gentlemen, to allow me to build (The model, Angelica, the model!) .
.
a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town.
Yes, Pagwell shall be famous for its munitions! Missiles, shells, grenades of all shapes and sizes, bombs, bullets, bazookas, ballistic boomerangs, brickbats, blockbusters, maybe even some of those Japanese throwing star things, hmm? Lovely, lovely munitions.
Thank you, Mr Bullimore, for a most informative presentation.
I think we can all agree that having a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town will benefit all of us greatly and really put Pagwell on the map.
So, all those in favour of building a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town, please, raise your hands.
What's the matter with you all? Don't you want a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town? ~ Won't it be rather ~ What? Well, dirty and noisy and, well, dangerous? Oh, don't worry about any of that.
I've only ever had two of my factories blow up and demolish the entire area.
But what about hazardous waste? Poisonous chemicals? All that sort of thing? All the poisonous waste will be safely pumped into the River Pag.
Ah! Gentlemen! This giant munitions factory right in the middle of town will establish Pagwell as a leading industrial centre, and announce your town to the world with a BANG! Oh, for Pete's sake! Thank you! Er What, what? What's going on? What did he say? Mr Bullimore wants to build a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town.
A giant munitions factory right in the middle of town? Out of the question.
But this is progress, Mr Mayor.
The people of Pagwell marching boldly into the future, and only occasionally being blown up.
This land was given to the local people by Lord Pagwell in 16 something or other and something else.
There have never been any factories in Pagwell and there never will be.
It is written .
.
in the town charter, guaranteed for all time, that no building taller than the church spire shall ever be built here in in in Pagwell.
I think we could at least debate the matter.
I don't.
What's next? The vicar would like to say a few words about his latest cause, and then we are to rubber stamp the closing down of Professor Branestawm's illegal laboratory.
What's that? Ah yes, Professor Branestawm has an illegal workshop in his garden.
And he says he has a permit for it, but we can find no record.
As you know, most of our archives were destroyed in the Great Pagwell Zoo Disaster, when an escaped lion ate everything.
(Shame that charter wasn't destroyed at the same time.
) (Well) So, Branestawm says the council gave him permission to build a factory.
I suppose you could describe it as a factory, but without the paperwork Yeah, yeah, come on, come on.
Let's get on with it.
Vicar, you're up next, and don't be all day about it.
My dear friends, I'd like to talk to you about a matter of great import Get on with it, man! It's nearly time for our tea break.
Yes, of course.
I'm raising money to buy hand-knitted waistcoats for the poor natives of South Crashbania.
South Crashbania Look sprightly, chaps.
Ah.
That's it, careful now.
Mind you don't tip it over, and don't bash it into the doorframe, you'll damage the whatshisname ~ and bend the thingamajig.
~ Put it on the table.
Well, if it isn't the man with the little catapult.
Shot any sparrows lately with that toy of yours, Dedshott? I'll have you know, sir, I was personally decorated by the King for my catapult skills.
Ridiculous.
What the devil is that? It's a self-activated camellia sinensis infusion device, with multiple distributive facilities and a ~ It's a tea-making machine.
~ Ah! It's a tea-making machine, yes.
And what exactly is that supposed to be, Connie? A volcano.
You are supposed to be making fairy cakes.
Not volcanoes.
I've been testing the combustible properties of various common kitchen ingredients You've been testing my patience is what you've been doing.
Who taught you this? ~ Professor Branestawm is giving me science lessons.
~ Is he? That menace! I've made complaints about him.
Listen to me.
When I was younger I wanted to be a scientist, just like you.
Yes.
And you know what happened? The boy I loved, the light of my life, Arthur - tall and strong and manly.
He turned his back on me, just walked away and married a photographer's model instead.
He didn't want a scientist for a wife.
Don't make the same mistakes I made or you will never be happy.
Now, you will forget everything that Professor Branestawm has taught you.
You will get rid of this monstrosity and you will follow the recipe properly, like all the other good little girls.
I wouldn't poke it like that if I were you.
Oh, really? ~ No.
~ Oh, why not? That's why.
This is the last straw! Connie, you are going to regret this! Tea is the lifeblood of any meeting! I knitted the tea bags myself, many of them V-neck.
Get that thing out of here.
You are disrupting the meeting and damaging a very valuable table.
Not so fast.
I'm spitting feathers here, Haggerstone.
It's Hackerbone, actually.
I'm dying for a cuppa.
Does this thing do cake and biscuits as well as tea? Of course! It will revolutionise tea time at the town hall.
Well, let's try it out, then.
You can stand down, Vicar.
~ Yes, we'll, er ~ Whoa! .
.
we'll get onto the natives of South Crashbangwallop later.
I'd recommend English Breakfast Tea.
They don't make an English Lunch Tea for some reason.
I'll make a note of that for later.
Ah, the water's coming nicely to the boil.
Before you interrupted us we were about to discuss the matter of the illegal structure in your garden.
~ That's why we're here, Mr Haggis-Head.
~ Haggerstone! That's what I said.
It is not an illegal structure, it's an Inventory, for inventing world-changing devices like this! Tea in the hole! Yes, but unless you have a written permit for the shed I do have a permit somewhere.
I'm quite sure of it.
I'm just not very good at looking for things.
Well, unless you can find it, we can't allow ~ Ah.
~ Milk and sugar? Please.
As I was saying, without the proper permit ~ One lump or two? ~ Er, two.
Two, please.
The, er, illegal structure is not only an eyesore but That was the colonel's idea.
Bravo.
Well played.
Shot, sir.
Plenty of milk and four sugars for me, please, Prof.
Ah! Splendid.
Oh! Oh! Without proper planning permission, the structure cannot be allowed to stand.
Ha! Splendid.
~ Ah, capital! ~ Mmmm.
Ooh! Ah! Ah! Just say "when".
~ When! ~ When! ~ When! It's running a little fast.
I just Clutch in.
As I was saying Argh! This is intolerable! I agree, there won't be any left for anyone else.
I really must insist that Somebody do something! Shut it down! I must have miscalculated the milk-to-tea ratio.
The main switch has temporarily come off in my hand but I'm pleased to say I had the foresight to fit an override button that Stop it, I say! Connie, can you fetch my special hammer, please? Connie? Connie? If we don't put a stop to Professor Branestawm he'll destroy this whole town! We must impound this infernal machine, and in the absence of any legal permit, I move that the professor be forbidden to invent anything, ever again! All those in favour raise their hands.
Count them, Miss Silt.
Argh! Oh! Whoa! Well, that went very well, I thought, Dedshott.
Very well indeed.
A few minor tweaks and adjustments, but otherwise the machine was a triumph.
Not so sure about that, Professor.
It nearly killed two people.
Three, actually, but we mustn't focus on minor details.
The quality of the tea was excellent.
Be that as it may, we shall have to search the house from top to bottom and side to side to find that permit of yours, or your inventing days in Pagwell will be over.
Ah, dear me.
Yes, I should have to sell up and move away.
Ha! I don't remember leaving that window open.
I'm glad I did though, I forgot my key.
So, you reckon you keep all your important documents in or around this desk, here.
Yes, indeed.
Yes, everything in its place and a place for everything.
It'll be like looking for a needle in a large pile of needles.
Where shall we start? She said that unless I stop seeing Professor Branestawm she's going to expel me from the school.
Well, I think that's perfectly preponstrous.
The professor's not a bad influence! (Well, only a little bit.
) If you have to leave that school, Connie, I'd have to send you away to Lady Tribade's Academy For Nice Young Girls Who Like Horses.
I am NOT going there.
They wear pink uniforms.
And they don't teach science.
~ And I'd never see you.
~ Well, I can't teach you at home, Connie.
I don't know about all that stuff, science and maths and engineering - not like your dad.
I wish I'd known him.
You were only a tiny baby when he died.
All I've ever known is you.
I don't want to go away, Mum.
And you won't, darling.
I'll explain to the professor about your lessons, Connie.
No, I'll do it myself.
I'd like to see him one last time.
Oh, mercy me! Whatever has occurred? Have you been making an explosion again or suchlike, Professor? I'm looking for the permit, Mrs Flittersnoop.
If I can't find it, we shall have to sell up and move to Lower Longbottom.
What's it look like? It's a small town, with houses and a medieval market square.
~ Not Lower Longbottom! What's your permit look like? ~ No idea.
It was a greenish-looking document.
I only saw it the one time.
It was on my birthday.
I remember it was my birthday because you'd given me my camera, Professor, and I remember taking a picture of you as you came back from the council, waving it in the air like you'd won the pools.
Happy birthday, by the way.
Oh, thank you.
It was a couple of years ago now.
I'll have a proper look for it and a tidy up.
You should invent a document-finding machine.
Excellent idea.
Yes.
That's more like it.
We shall need some string and some otters.
~ Otters? ~ Not otters, no.
They tend to break.
Now, wait a minute, Branestawm.
The councillor said you're not allowed to invent anything new until you've shown them the permit.
That's thrown a "spaniel" in the works.
Unless, what if it wasn't me doing the inventing? What if it was this small man? Apologies, girl.
I need to talk to you about that.
~ I won't be having any more lessons.
~ But I've almost perfected ~ the photographic liquid we were working on.
~ I'm not allowed.
I'm sure you could have one last lesson, Connie.
I won't tell anyone, if you won't.
Enter! Oh, there's nobody there! Excellent.
Now, we add 25 millilitres of whatchamacallit, to 50 millilitres of whatever on Earth this stuff is and we're ready to give it a try.
Oh.
Are you all right? You don't seem your usual self.
I was just thinking how much I shall miss all this, and how much I shall miss you.
I mean, you're dangerous, you're careless, you're forgetful, ~ and everything you touch seems to break or explode ~ Now, listen.
I've been thinking about you, what was your name again? ~ Connie.
~ Connie! Yes.
Really? Well, Connie, I know your father died a long time ago, and you've never really had a father of your own.
You always wanted someone in your life to do the sort of things ~ that a father does.
~ Well, yes.
~ Hm.
Well, here I am, stuck in here, inventing things all by myself, and I was wondering, what could I do about your situation? Yes? So I invented this.
~ Hello, Connie.
~ It's a robot father! Shall we do some maths together? Um, OK.
Two plus two is three.
~ No! ~ Six.
~ No! ~ Two.
~ No! Four.
~ There you go.
~ How about a game of football? How about a game of football? ~ How about a game of football? ~ Ow! Ow! Ow! 1-0 to me.
To me.
Let's go fishing.
Has anyone seen my newspaper? Let me give you a hug.
~ Let me give you a hug.
~ Ow! Get off me! Let me give you a hug.
~ Professor, stop him! ~ Let me give you a hug.
~ Get off me! You make a start on the washing up, I just need to go to the loo.
Has anyone seen my newspaper? Let's go fishing.
Give me a hug.
I'm just going to the pub.
Do you know the cricket score? This government is an absolute shambles! Has anyone seen my newspaper? I wonder if we'll ever see him again.
Begging you pardon, Professor, sorry to interrupt you and all that, and everything else besides, but I found this when I was tidying up.
~ What is it? Is it dangerous? ~ No, sir.
It's your photograph album that we were looking for just the other day.
Auntie, look, you can be the first person to see our new invention.
That's it, just a tiny amount.
Yeah, very good, I'm sure, but I really must be getting back to my tidying.
Wait, wait, wait, it takes time.
Look! Look! Oo-er, it's going all lumpy, like.
Oh, my.
Try one.
They're a little papery-tasting.
~ Better try another.
~ It's like eating a chocolate in a dream, a chocolate that's not there at all but seems to be.
It's a pity that it costs more to make the liquid than it would ~ to buy the chocolates.
~ You don't say.
And the things it brings to life will go back as they were once the liquid has dried off, ~ unless they're all eaten first.
~ It really is a marvel.
I certainly couldn't have done it without the help of this clever little leprechaun.
I rather think you should be getting home, Connie, ~ before anyone finds out about this.
~ I suppose so.
Get in, Haggerstone.
Erm, I'm quite happy walking, thank you, Mr Bullimore.
Oh, do shut up and get in.
That was a shambles earlier, Haggerstone.
You assured me you could swing the vote my way.
It's that blasted charter.
We can't do anything in this town as long as it exists.
I have a vision of a dynamic, modern Pagwell, with factories and car parks, roundabouts, hundreds of them, festooned with traffic lights, a ring road, two ring roads! And shopping centres, miles out of town ~ Bollards.
~ Sorry? You must have bollards.
I love bollards.
Yes, and an army of traffic wardens.
Oh, put a sock in it, Haggerstone.
All I'm interested in is making lots of money.
Together, I think we can both achieve what we want - you want Branestawm out of town, and I want to build a huge great dangerous munitions factory.
Yes.
What if I were to tell you that Branestawm did have a permit that allowed him to build a workshop in his garden? That would be annoying.
I was rather hoping he was going to sell his house and move away.
Then prepare to be annoyed.
But I can make this document disappear.
And Branestawm, if he wants to carry on inventing, will have to move elsewhere, allowing me to buy his house.
The perfect site on which to build a giant munitions factory.
Provided we have a permit to build.
I wouldn't want to do anything illegal, Mr Bullimore.
~ Get out! ~ Argh! Wait! Wait! Demolish his workshop, get rid of Branestawm and I can start building.
It would have to be a very small factory, no taller than the church, which has one of the shortest spires in England.
As long as that blessed charter exists ~ I can't see anything ever happening in Pagwell.
~ You leave that to me.
Drive, Norman, drive.
How about a game of football? Whoa! 'Very good ladies.
Now really lift those knees.
'Lift and stretch and lift and stretch' 'Lift and stretch and lift' ~ How did it go, dear? ~ All right.
'That's it.
Now, running on the spot.
'Run, and run, and run, and run, and run.
That's it!' ~ Mum? ~ Yes, lovey? Were you in love with Dad? Oh, what a funny question.
Of course I was.
Why ever would you ask such a thing? It didn't matter to you that he was a bus driver? No, lovey, not one bit.
He was a lovely man, ~ that's all that mattered to me.
~ And he didn't mind what you did? No, lovey.
I was working in a fishmonger's when we met, I stank of halibut and hake.
But he didn't mind, not one bit.
When two people love each other it doesn't matter what you smell like.
I thought so.
He looks nice in the photographs.
Oh, he was lovely.
A photograph! That's it, there might be a photograph! What? Connie, wait! Delicious, Mrs Flittersnoop, did you knit the tea bags yourself? They're from the corner shop.
The colonel took a photograph on his birthday you with your permit.
Maybe there's a picture of you in the album.
~ Connie, what are you doing? ~ What? ~ What? Oh, I'm sorry, she just came running over here, I couldn't stop her.
There might be photograph of you with your permit in the album.
That will be proof.
Great Scott and all his penguins! She's right! So, you're quite clear what needs to be done? I think so.
"I think so" isn't good enough, Angelica.
Are you quite sure? ~ I think so.
~ Stop saying, "I think so".
What do you want me to say? Just say yes, you infuriating little damp tissue of a woman.
~ Yes.
~ Yes, what? ~ Yes, I think so.
~ Argh! ~ Whatever you say, darling.
Give me strength.
Repeat after me.
"I need to make it look like Branestawm's tea-making machine "started a fire and accidentally destroyed the pesky Pagwell charter, "thus cooking Branestawm's goose once and for all "and allowing me to buy his house and build a factory on it.
" Erm, I need to make it look like Branestawm's tea-making machine has, erm made tea and ~ cooked a goose ~ No! ~ No, no, no, no, no.
~ Oooh! Oh, you're confusing me.
Right, we'll start again.
Listen very carefully.
Ha, ha.
There's one of me as a baby.
And there's one of Mrs Flittersnoop on her way to a fancy dress party, ~ as Atilla The Hun, I do believe.
~ Little Bo Peep.
Exactly.
Oh, there's another one of her.
Out of focus, I'm afraid.
Oh, and that one's not much better either.
Only half of PC Peasey made it into shot.
You're going to be amazed and confounded, Aggie, let's find a good picture.
And who's this? I recognise her.
Ah, Mrs Flittersnoop, do you recognise these young lovers? Oh, that's your teacher, Connie, Miss Blitherington.
As I remember, she had a terrific crush on that young man.
~ Wasn't she pretty? ~ She was.
~ Will this one do? ~ Oh, let me see.
~ Oh, you just watch this, Aggie.
The cat will come to life.
~ Ooh! I do hope it's not a scratchy sort of one.
It quite likely is, I'm afraid, Aggie.
Most of the professor's books are about wildish sort of animals.
Ah, now what's this? Oh! What's it doing? Why's it meowing over and over like that? I don't like it, it's not natural.
It must have been meowing when the photograph was taken and now it can't stop.
Interesting.
~ Oh! ~ Oh! Oh, dear, I must have squirted too much liquid on and it's soaked through to the picture underneath.
Oh, what shall we do? ~ Oh! ~ This is giving me the heebie-jeebies, so it is! Halt! Stop that cat.
Come on, Connie! ~ Not to mention the screaming ab-dabs! ~ Oh, my shredded nerves! Come along, let's go back to yours and have some tea.
~ I can't take all this kerfuffle! ~ Oh! Oh! Oh! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! Interesting, very interesting.
It must have dried out and gone back to being a photograph.
Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
Good after noon.
Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
Ah.
I got my results, Mother, it's a first.
I got my results, Mother, it's a first.
Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
~ Hadn't I better take my hat off first? ~ What's going on? The liquid must have spilled onto the photograph album.
They're all saying whatever they happened to be saying ~ when the picture was taken.
~ How will my uniform come out? I say, what a ripping camera, Just what I want for my birthday.
I say, what a ripping camera, just what I want for my birthday.
Baby want petty things.
Baby want petty things.
~ Terrible, terrible! ~ Pass along, pl Pass along, pl Oh, dear, what if I get mixed up with all these come-to-life-photo sort of people and forget which is really me, and then dry out and become a photograph? ~ That couldn't happen.
~ That couldn't happen, of course not, no.
Oh! I say, Professor, any luck finding that permit, old chap? Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
~ What? ~ Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
I heard you the first time, dear fellow.
Not sure I'm quite following you, but that's nothing new.
Oh, ploof wiff a woogle! Yes, indeed.
I've had my results, Mother, it's a first.
~ I've had my results, Mother, it's a first.
~ Most peculiar.
How will my uniform come out? How will my uniform come out? What's this? Imposter! Scoundrel! That's not me at all.
I'm me here! Imposter, I say! Wait till I catch you.
Police! Police! Pass along, pl Pass along, pl Pass along, pl How will my uniform come out? How will my uniform come out? Are you sure I don't look stupid in this? Are you sure I don't look stupid in this? Are you sure I don't look stupid in this? How will my uniform come out? Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
How will my uniform come out? You again! Only you're not you, are you? You're another imposter.
What have you done with the real professor? You don't fool me for one moment.
You're just another photograph.
~ Who are you calling a snapshot, you rotter? ~ Hm, you're having a proper conversation with lots of words in it - maybe it's me that's the photograph, not you.
That's awkward.
You're talking like the real professor - in gibberish.
So that means you're the real Colonel Dedshott? And you must be the real Branestawm.
What's going on, Prof? Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
~ But I love you, Arthur.
~ And I cannot love you, Verity, as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
You beast! If you really loved her, it wouldn't matter! ~ But I love you, Arthur.
~ And I cannot love you, Verity, as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
Had I better take my hat off first? Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
Until the liquid dries out, these come-to-life-photo sort of people ~ are going to run amok! ~ I understand.
Except I don't.
My head is going round and round as usual.
Look, Colonel, I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all! ~ Professor! ~ The drying time depends Professor, Colonel, I found the photograph of you with the permit.
Look, Colonel! I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all! What? What? We must catch it before it dries out and blows away! Stop that photograph! Catch him! Halt! .
.
I can build my Inventory after all! Stop! Come back! .
.
I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all.
Stop! Are you sure I don't look stupid in this? Connie, what are you doing? Stop it! And don't run in public.
Look! .
.
as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
But I love you, Arthur.
And I cannot love you, Verity, as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
~ Arthur? ~ But I love you, Arthur.
And I cannot love you, Verity, as long as you persist with your silly Pass along, pl Pass along, pl Pass along, pl Pass along, pl Look, Colonel, I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all! Look, Colonel, I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all! I've got it! Proof you had the permit! See, he was allowed to build his Inventory.
Never mind that, can't you see? The town hall is on fire! It's Branestawm's infernal tea-making machine.
It must have gone wrong and started a blaze! Yes! That must be it! We should never have left it in there.
This is the last straw, Branestawm.
You've had it.
If your machine burns down my lovely town hall I will personally run you out of town, Branestawm! Has anyone seen my wife? ~ But it wasn't switched on.
~ Curious.
The machine will still be full of milk and tea.
I wonder if there's a way we can switch it on from here? Hmm.
I may not be clever, in fact I'm positively stupid, I may not know about sums and algebra, in fact I don't even know what algebra is Is it a country? .
.
but I am the greatest catapult shot in England.
Oh, put that silly thing away.
Stand back, Hogwash-toad! Window, light, mirror, vase, switch.
Here goes! It may be an 'opeless tea-making machine, but it's an excellent fire-putting-out machine.
Well, I always intended a dual purpose.
I just wasn't sure what the other one was.
Branestawm is the hero of the day.
You useless, rotten, feeble, rotten excuse for a woman.
Can't you ever get anything right? I should never have married you.
I'm sorry, Arthur, I tried.
I really tried.
I did my best.
And your best just wasn't good enough, was it? Arthur? Verity! You see, Angelica? This, this is the woman I should have married.
She's strong, intelligent and she wouldn't keep mucking everything up.
Well, quite frankly, Arthur, I'm glad I didn't marry you.
The way you've turned out.
You're a rotter! I should have done this a long time ago.
You were right all along, Connie.
See, there is proof, you silly man.
A photograph is not evidence, my dear.
No, but this is! Here, this belongs to you.
Yes! It's the real permit.
Hmph! I don't care about this piece of paper.
If you have saved my lovely town hall I personally give you permission to carry on inventing here in Pagwell for as long as you like! Let me give you a hug! Hello, I wonder if I might talk to you about my scheme to send hand-knitted waistcoats to the citizens of South Crashbania What is that thing? Do you have a licence for it? ~ How about a game of football? ~ Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it off me! 1-0 to me.
Leave me alone! Stop it, you! Now, I must get back to my Inventory, I'm positively buzzing with ideas for new inventions A camera that's also a telephone, a book that reads itself, elasticated spaghetti, unbreakable otters, singing toast, a voice-activated picnic hamper, ~ loom bands ~ Oooh! Ow, what are you doing? Leave me alone! How about a game of football? Will you stop kicking me! Stop kicking me! Right, ladies, time for your first science lesson, and we're going to start with a very important experiment.
We are going to make .
.
an explosion!
Backs straight.
Heads up.
Keep your feet dainty.
Dainty, Martha.
You look like a wounded Heffalump with a wooden leg.
Smile, Connie, smile.
You will never get yourself a good husband until you learn to smile and be pretty.
Ah! I won't.
I simply won't.
It's silly and pointless.
Deportment is not silly and pointless, Connie.
I want to learn proper things.
I want to learn science and maths and civil engineering.
There is no point in teaching girls science and maths and civil engineering.
All you need to learn to snare a husband is cooking and sewing and being nice I don't want a stupid husband.
I don't want to be nice.
I want to do great things.
I want to make medicine that saves millions of lives.
I want to build hydroelectric dams and rockets that will fly to the moon.
Don't be so ridiculous, Connie! A GIRL will never do things like that.
~ Now, carry on with your lesson.
~ I won't.
Then I'm sending you home, until you learn how to behave.
~ I won't.
~ Your mother will not be pleased.
If only your father were still around to discipline you properly! Well, he's not around any more, is he? But if he was I bet he would come in here right now and tell you off for not teaching me useful things.
Hello, Connie.
Whoa! Oh! Hello, Connie.
I wonder if I might tell you about my scheme to send ~ hand-knitted waistcoats to the citizens of ~ Oh! Ow! Ow! Watch where you're going, you young hooligan, you nearly knocked me over.
Come along, Angelica.
~ Is she all right? ~ Of course she's all right.
We're the injured parties here.
I've a good mind to sue her.
Ah, hello, Mr Bullimore.
I wonder if I might tell you about my scheme to send hand-knitted waistcoats to the citizens of South Crashbania? Oh, good day.
Connie? What are you doing home from school so early? Is everything all right, lovey? No, everything is NOT all right.
School is stupid, and the lessons are stupid and the other girls are stupid and Miss Blitherington is especially stupid.
Oh, dear.
You haven't been arguing about your lessons again, have you? I might have been.
I want to learn stuff, Mum.
Useful stuff.
Oh, lovey, whatever are we going to do with you? And what are we going to do with this clock? That blooming Branestawm man was supposed to have fixed it.
~ You never went to see the professor? ~ It was your Aunt Maggie's idea.
She thought he might get it working again.
Nothing's right in the world.
Here, Connie, I've got an idea.
Seeing as you're not at school, you can make yourself busy and run an errand for me.
Oh! Would you take this clock back to the professor? Really? Really truly? ~ You'll let me visit the professor? ~ Just this once.
If it'll cheer you up.
But you've always said it would be too dangerous for me.
Are you bothered? Connie, you've still got your books on your head, love.
Oh.
That's clever.
Now, you be careful and hurry straight back.
Professor Branestawm, you have a visitor! Argh! Ouch! Please enter.
Argh! Oomph! Hello.
Hello? Hello?! Hello.
~ Are you all right.
~ Quite all right, thank you for asking.
Only you just flew out a window.
I'm doing some spring cleaning.
~ Oh.
~ Spring cleaning is a silly, messy, tiresome, time-consuming business and my housekeeper, Mrs Flittersnoop, doesn't enjoy it one bit, which is why I've invented a machine to do it for her - the Professor Branestawm House Cleaning Machine! ~ How does it work? ~ Well, it's quite simple, really, collects up all the rubbish and whatnot and wherefore and why on Earth, ~ and throws it out! ~ That's clever.
~ Yes.
Isn't it? It throws out everything - dust, dirt, fluff .
.
chairs .
.
wardrobes MEOW! Hmm, that looks like a cat .
.
and people.
I think I might have the cleaning level set rather too high.
The machine's getting a little carried away.
Do you have some paper? Yes So, if the apex of the triangle ABC bisects the line DE Just as I thought! Left to its own devices it might destroy the whole house.
Interesting.
I can only hope that it There we go.
It's thrown itself out.
Oh! Ah! Ah, Mrs Flittersnoop! Hello, Auntie Maggie.
~ Is it dangerous? ~ Highly.
Don't you think we ought to stop it? Most probably.
Which is why I've called for Colonel Dedshott.
Who's Colonel Dedshott? Who's Colonel Dedshott? Who is Colonel Dedshott? Great heavens! Oh, my goodness me, and all that.
That is Colonel Dedshott of the Catapult Cavaliers.
What has happened? And why? And how? Accident? Explosion? ~ Insurrection? ~ Spring cleaning.
This is more serious than I thought! Battle stations! Man the catapults! ~ Charge! ~ The colonel has never missed a train, an enemy, or an opportunity of getting into danger! Ooh! Ah! I really think we ought to do something.
~ Hmm.
We could have tea, I suppose.
~ Oh! ~ What was that? ~ I think it was a vase.
Yes, Ming dynasty, early 15th century No, Woolworths.
Why do you have so many pairs of glasses? Oh, well, these are for reading, these are for writing, these are for looking at things very close up.
Good lord, a little girl! These are for looking at things very far away.
Hm, somebody in Germany is setting fire to their trousers.
These are for looking at you over the top of.
Hm, another little girl.
Are you twins? Interesting.
These are for outdoors.
And these Hm, these aren't mine.
Don't know how they got in there.
And these Ah! ~ These are the most valuable pair! ~ What are they for? They're for looking for the others when I can't find them.
Glasses have a nasty habit of hiding from you.
~ Ooooh! ~ Come back here, you coward! Hello, Auntie! Stop that man! Get this thing off me! Ah, well done, that man! I'm glad I had the foresight to invent an off switch for my device.
I really am too clever for my own good sometimes.
Really, this is intolerable! ~ Oh! ~ I couldn't agree more.
Spring cleaning.
Bad business.
Miss Silt, I want you to keep a complete record of proceedings.
~ Take down everything I say.
~ Yes, Mr Haggerstone, sir.
Now, you, I presume, are Professor Branestawm.
I am he.
Yes, I am.
Marmalade? He am.
He is.
I can vouch for he for him.
The man is a phenomenon, absolute genius.
I can't understand half the things he says.
In fact, to tell you the truth, I don't understand a word of it.
Much too brainy for me.
Makes my head go round and round.
Hm.
I am Councillor Harold Haggerstone, of the Pagwell Town Council, and I am here to tell you that there have been complaints, Professor.
~ Complaints? ~ Complaints? ~ Complaints.
~ Complaints.
~ What sort of complaints? ~ Complaints? ~ Complaints.
Of noise, and mess and, I don't know, explosions and general disruption, that sort of thing.
That sort of thing.
I've not met General Disruption.
I know a Colonel Dedshott.
In fact, there he is! Standing right there.
What a coincidence.
Colonel, we were just talking about you.
~ Pleased to meet you, Mr Horrid Hag.
~ Haggerstone.
~ Haggerstone.
~ If you say so.
I have reason to believe, Professor, that you have constructed an unlicensed workshop in your garden that poses a threat to health and safety, and I have orders for it to be torn down.
There must be some mistake.
The professor has permission to build his laboratory from the council.
I'm quite sure of it.
It says here in very small writing, that if you want to protest against the council's decision, you can go to the town hall meeting on Friday morning.
Well, there's no need for that.
The professor has a permit.
I remember it arrived on my birthday.
And I remember it was my birthday because the professor gave me ~ a brand-new camera ~ Happy birthday, by the way.
Oh, thank you very much.
It was a few years ago now.
You can attend the meeting if you wish, ~ but, I'm warning you, Branestawm ~ No, I am warning you ~ Argh! ~ Is that with three or four As, sir? No-one threatens my professor, Mr Harrid Hog! ~ Haggerstone.
~ I'll be the judge of that! ~ Do you have a licence for that catapult? ~ A licence? I'll have you know, sir, I won catapulting gold at the Commonwealth Games! Hm.
Good day to you gentlemen, madam.
Mmm.
I'll get him! Ah! Oh! Ah! Agh! Who on Earth was that? ~ Fella by the name of Hobbit Hole.
~ Haggerstone.
Not to be trusted - shifty type, ~ keeps changing his name.
~ Doesn't like toast.
~ Precisely! I'm not one to complain, but this is one of those days.
First your cleaning machine turns the house upside down and inside out, and then comes at me like a wild thing, so it does, and then the council comes nosing around with paperwork and warnings and I don't know what.
~ Are you all right, Auntie? ~ I'm all a flutter, so I am, and me turned 40 - ahem! - this twelvemonth.
It's a shame, that's what it is.
I shall need a lie down.
Ee, Connie, what are you doing here? I brought the clock back that the professor mended for my mum.
Oh, don't tell me.
It's not quite right.
No, it's not right.
It's all quite wrong.
Mum was wondering if you could take another look at it? Follow me! This is my Inventory, where I do all my inventing and suchlike.
We'll have your clock fixed in three shakes of a lamb's jiffy.
This is brilliant! Look at all this stuff.
What's this? That is a machine for herding cats.
And this? What's this? One of my latest inventions.
A portable telephone, imagine that! A telephone that you can always have with you.
~ That would be amazing.
~ Then prepare to be amazed by the Professor Branestawm Portable Telephone Device Thing! Ah.
Touch.
Hello? Hello, could you get me Lower Pagwell 232, please? Thank you.
Hello? Who is this? What do you mean I called you? I'm very busy demonstrating my new telephone, I don't have time to be making phone calls.
Stop bothering me or I shall report you to the police, the Army, the Navy and the RSPCA! I call it a mobile telephone! I am working on a similar device for the police.
So they can call the station when they're out chasing burglars and smugglers and female impersonators and the like.
Imagine that! A police box that you could travel around in? Now, who were you again, and what is it you want? I'm Mrs Flittersnoop's sister Aggie's little girl, Connie, ~ and I've brought Mum's clock back.
~ Ah, yes, mmm, I remember this.
I made some adjustments to it to improve its workings.
It'll never run down and never need winding up ever again.
But it's striking too many times.
How so? How so? How so? How so? Well, at six o'clock in the evening it struck 18 times, ~ and at midnight it struck 24.
~ That's not a mistake.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's a 24-hour clock, my dear, it's the modern way.
Yes, but at one o'clock in the morning it struck 25 and woke the cat.
And at two o'clock in the morning it struck 26, and so on.
Mmm, that's not right.
It must be adding a chime every hour.
Look, it's coming up to four o'clock.
Hm, by my calculations, it should strike 40 times.
Yes, I see the problem.
There is a simple way to fix it, however.
~ Really.
~ Yes.
There.
Tell your mother it'll never wake the cat ever again.
~ But how are we going to tell the time? ~ Ah ~ How's your end, Colonel? ~ Be careful.
Mind your backs.
I'm much better going forwards.
I'm not one to retreat.
I don't know how your mother let it get to this stage! You really should have brought it to me sooner.
Could you pass me that screwdriver, please? Thank you.
I wish I could be like you.
Inventing things in my own Inventory.
But all they teach me at school is how to find a nice husband and make tea for him and give him his slippers ~ when he comes home from work.
~ Slippers? Tea? Husbands? Otters? ~ I never said otters.
~ Quite right, too.
Otters have no place in this conversation.
Leave otters out of it! But this won't do, this won't do at all.
Science is a wonderful thing.
I shall teach you everything I know about it.
Really? Are you sure? That'd be fantastic.
Tell me, what sort of an experiment would you like to start off with? An explosion? My favourite sort! Bandits! Saboteurs! Female impersonators! We're under attack, Mrs Flittersnoop! That went very well, I thought.
Very well indeed.
Mrs Flittersnoop, time for tea.
After all, the clock has just struck 40.
Oh, what have you done now? Look at the state of you both.
My sister Aggie will have a purple fit.
I have been giving this small person, whoever she is, possibly some kind of pygmy, science lessons.
But you won't be able to give me any more if the council comes and closes down your Inventory and stops your experiments.
Hmm.
You must make sure you go to the meeting on Friday.
Tell them all about the amazing stuff you've invented, like the mobile telephone, and the cat herder.
The cat herder doesn't actually work.
And then they'll understand, and they won't make you close down your Inventory.
Not sure the telephone does, either.
Or that.
Oh, the factories may be roaring With a boom-a-lacka zoom-a-lacka wee But there isn't any roar when the clock strikes four Everything stops for tea Oh, a lawyer in a courtroom In the middle of an alimony plea Has to stop and help them pour when the clock strikes four Stop that! Everything stops for tea It's a very good English custom And a stimulant for the brain When you feel a little weary A cup will make you cheery And it's cheaper than champagne Oh, ah! Now I know just why Franz Schubert Didn't finish his unfinished symphony Oh! He might have written more, but the clock struck four And everything stops for tea.
Hurry up, Professor, the council meeting is at ten o'clock! As you can see, it will provide a huge boost to the economy of Pagwell - indeed, the entire area of Upper Pagwell, Lower Pagwell, Great Pagwell, Pagwell Green and Pagwell-Under-Water.
Which is why I am urging you, ladies and gentlemen, to allow me to build (The model, Angelica, the model!) .
.
a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town.
Yes, Pagwell shall be famous for its munitions! Missiles, shells, grenades of all shapes and sizes, bombs, bullets, bazookas, ballistic boomerangs, brickbats, blockbusters, maybe even some of those Japanese throwing star things, hmm? Lovely, lovely munitions.
Thank you, Mr Bullimore, for a most informative presentation.
I think we can all agree that having a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town will benefit all of us greatly and really put Pagwell on the map.
So, all those in favour of building a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town, please, raise your hands.
What's the matter with you all? Don't you want a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town? ~ Won't it be rather ~ What? Well, dirty and noisy and, well, dangerous? Oh, don't worry about any of that.
I've only ever had two of my factories blow up and demolish the entire area.
But what about hazardous waste? Poisonous chemicals? All that sort of thing? All the poisonous waste will be safely pumped into the River Pag.
Ah! Gentlemen! This giant munitions factory right in the middle of town will establish Pagwell as a leading industrial centre, and announce your town to the world with a BANG! Oh, for Pete's sake! Thank you! Er What, what? What's going on? What did he say? Mr Bullimore wants to build a giant munitions factory right in the middle of town.
A giant munitions factory right in the middle of town? Out of the question.
But this is progress, Mr Mayor.
The people of Pagwell marching boldly into the future, and only occasionally being blown up.
This land was given to the local people by Lord Pagwell in 16 something or other and something else.
There have never been any factories in Pagwell and there never will be.
It is written .
.
in the town charter, guaranteed for all time, that no building taller than the church spire shall ever be built here in in in Pagwell.
I think we could at least debate the matter.
I don't.
What's next? The vicar would like to say a few words about his latest cause, and then we are to rubber stamp the closing down of Professor Branestawm's illegal laboratory.
What's that? Ah yes, Professor Branestawm has an illegal workshop in his garden.
And he says he has a permit for it, but we can find no record.
As you know, most of our archives were destroyed in the Great Pagwell Zoo Disaster, when an escaped lion ate everything.
(Shame that charter wasn't destroyed at the same time.
) (Well) So, Branestawm says the council gave him permission to build a factory.
I suppose you could describe it as a factory, but without the paperwork Yeah, yeah, come on, come on.
Let's get on with it.
Vicar, you're up next, and don't be all day about it.
My dear friends, I'd like to talk to you about a matter of great import Get on with it, man! It's nearly time for our tea break.
Yes, of course.
I'm raising money to buy hand-knitted waistcoats for the poor natives of South Crashbania.
South Crashbania Look sprightly, chaps.
Ah.
That's it, careful now.
Mind you don't tip it over, and don't bash it into the doorframe, you'll damage the whatshisname ~ and bend the thingamajig.
~ Put it on the table.
Well, if it isn't the man with the little catapult.
Shot any sparrows lately with that toy of yours, Dedshott? I'll have you know, sir, I was personally decorated by the King for my catapult skills.
Ridiculous.
What the devil is that? It's a self-activated camellia sinensis infusion device, with multiple distributive facilities and a ~ It's a tea-making machine.
~ Ah! It's a tea-making machine, yes.
And what exactly is that supposed to be, Connie? A volcano.
You are supposed to be making fairy cakes.
Not volcanoes.
I've been testing the combustible properties of various common kitchen ingredients You've been testing my patience is what you've been doing.
Who taught you this? ~ Professor Branestawm is giving me science lessons.
~ Is he? That menace! I've made complaints about him.
Listen to me.
When I was younger I wanted to be a scientist, just like you.
Yes.
And you know what happened? The boy I loved, the light of my life, Arthur - tall and strong and manly.
He turned his back on me, just walked away and married a photographer's model instead.
He didn't want a scientist for a wife.
Don't make the same mistakes I made or you will never be happy.
Now, you will forget everything that Professor Branestawm has taught you.
You will get rid of this monstrosity and you will follow the recipe properly, like all the other good little girls.
I wouldn't poke it like that if I were you.
Oh, really? ~ No.
~ Oh, why not? That's why.
This is the last straw! Connie, you are going to regret this! Tea is the lifeblood of any meeting! I knitted the tea bags myself, many of them V-neck.
Get that thing out of here.
You are disrupting the meeting and damaging a very valuable table.
Not so fast.
I'm spitting feathers here, Haggerstone.
It's Hackerbone, actually.
I'm dying for a cuppa.
Does this thing do cake and biscuits as well as tea? Of course! It will revolutionise tea time at the town hall.
Well, let's try it out, then.
You can stand down, Vicar.
~ Yes, we'll, er ~ Whoa! .
.
we'll get onto the natives of South Crashbangwallop later.
I'd recommend English Breakfast Tea.
They don't make an English Lunch Tea for some reason.
I'll make a note of that for later.
Ah, the water's coming nicely to the boil.
Before you interrupted us we were about to discuss the matter of the illegal structure in your garden.
~ That's why we're here, Mr Haggis-Head.
~ Haggerstone! That's what I said.
It is not an illegal structure, it's an Inventory, for inventing world-changing devices like this! Tea in the hole! Yes, but unless you have a written permit for the shed I do have a permit somewhere.
I'm quite sure of it.
I'm just not very good at looking for things.
Well, unless you can find it, we can't allow ~ Ah.
~ Milk and sugar? Please.
As I was saying, without the proper permit ~ One lump or two? ~ Er, two.
Two, please.
The, er, illegal structure is not only an eyesore but That was the colonel's idea.
Bravo.
Well played.
Shot, sir.
Plenty of milk and four sugars for me, please, Prof.
Ah! Splendid.
Oh! Oh! Without proper planning permission, the structure cannot be allowed to stand.
Ha! Splendid.
~ Ah, capital! ~ Mmmm.
Ooh! Ah! Ah! Just say "when".
~ When! ~ When! ~ When! It's running a little fast.
I just Clutch in.
As I was saying Argh! This is intolerable! I agree, there won't be any left for anyone else.
I really must insist that Somebody do something! Shut it down! I must have miscalculated the milk-to-tea ratio.
The main switch has temporarily come off in my hand but I'm pleased to say I had the foresight to fit an override button that Stop it, I say! Connie, can you fetch my special hammer, please? Connie? Connie? If we don't put a stop to Professor Branestawm he'll destroy this whole town! We must impound this infernal machine, and in the absence of any legal permit, I move that the professor be forbidden to invent anything, ever again! All those in favour raise their hands.
Count them, Miss Silt.
Argh! Oh! Whoa! Well, that went very well, I thought, Dedshott.
Very well indeed.
A few minor tweaks and adjustments, but otherwise the machine was a triumph.
Not so sure about that, Professor.
It nearly killed two people.
Three, actually, but we mustn't focus on minor details.
The quality of the tea was excellent.
Be that as it may, we shall have to search the house from top to bottom and side to side to find that permit of yours, or your inventing days in Pagwell will be over.
Ah, dear me.
Yes, I should have to sell up and move away.
Ha! I don't remember leaving that window open.
I'm glad I did though, I forgot my key.
So, you reckon you keep all your important documents in or around this desk, here.
Yes, indeed.
Yes, everything in its place and a place for everything.
It'll be like looking for a needle in a large pile of needles.
Where shall we start? She said that unless I stop seeing Professor Branestawm she's going to expel me from the school.
Well, I think that's perfectly preponstrous.
The professor's not a bad influence! (Well, only a little bit.
) If you have to leave that school, Connie, I'd have to send you away to Lady Tribade's Academy For Nice Young Girls Who Like Horses.
I am NOT going there.
They wear pink uniforms.
And they don't teach science.
~ And I'd never see you.
~ Well, I can't teach you at home, Connie.
I don't know about all that stuff, science and maths and engineering - not like your dad.
I wish I'd known him.
You were only a tiny baby when he died.
All I've ever known is you.
I don't want to go away, Mum.
And you won't, darling.
I'll explain to the professor about your lessons, Connie.
No, I'll do it myself.
I'd like to see him one last time.
Oh, mercy me! Whatever has occurred? Have you been making an explosion again or suchlike, Professor? I'm looking for the permit, Mrs Flittersnoop.
If I can't find it, we shall have to sell up and move to Lower Longbottom.
What's it look like? It's a small town, with houses and a medieval market square.
~ Not Lower Longbottom! What's your permit look like? ~ No idea.
It was a greenish-looking document.
I only saw it the one time.
It was on my birthday.
I remember it was my birthday because you'd given me my camera, Professor, and I remember taking a picture of you as you came back from the council, waving it in the air like you'd won the pools.
Happy birthday, by the way.
Oh, thank you.
It was a couple of years ago now.
I'll have a proper look for it and a tidy up.
You should invent a document-finding machine.
Excellent idea.
Yes.
That's more like it.
We shall need some string and some otters.
~ Otters? ~ Not otters, no.
They tend to break.
Now, wait a minute, Branestawm.
The councillor said you're not allowed to invent anything new until you've shown them the permit.
That's thrown a "spaniel" in the works.
Unless, what if it wasn't me doing the inventing? What if it was this small man? Apologies, girl.
I need to talk to you about that.
~ I won't be having any more lessons.
~ But I've almost perfected ~ the photographic liquid we were working on.
~ I'm not allowed.
I'm sure you could have one last lesson, Connie.
I won't tell anyone, if you won't.
Enter! Oh, there's nobody there! Excellent.
Now, we add 25 millilitres of whatchamacallit, to 50 millilitres of whatever on Earth this stuff is and we're ready to give it a try.
Oh.
Are you all right? You don't seem your usual self.
I was just thinking how much I shall miss all this, and how much I shall miss you.
I mean, you're dangerous, you're careless, you're forgetful, ~ and everything you touch seems to break or explode ~ Now, listen.
I've been thinking about you, what was your name again? ~ Connie.
~ Connie! Yes.
Really? Well, Connie, I know your father died a long time ago, and you've never really had a father of your own.
You always wanted someone in your life to do the sort of things ~ that a father does.
~ Well, yes.
~ Hm.
Well, here I am, stuck in here, inventing things all by myself, and I was wondering, what could I do about your situation? Yes? So I invented this.
~ Hello, Connie.
~ It's a robot father! Shall we do some maths together? Um, OK.
Two plus two is three.
~ No! ~ Six.
~ No! ~ Two.
~ No! Four.
~ There you go.
~ How about a game of football? How about a game of football? ~ How about a game of football? ~ Ow! Ow! Ow! 1-0 to me.
To me.
Let's go fishing.
Has anyone seen my newspaper? Let me give you a hug.
~ Let me give you a hug.
~ Ow! Get off me! Let me give you a hug.
~ Professor, stop him! ~ Let me give you a hug.
~ Get off me! You make a start on the washing up, I just need to go to the loo.
Has anyone seen my newspaper? Let's go fishing.
Give me a hug.
I'm just going to the pub.
Do you know the cricket score? This government is an absolute shambles! Has anyone seen my newspaper? I wonder if we'll ever see him again.
Begging you pardon, Professor, sorry to interrupt you and all that, and everything else besides, but I found this when I was tidying up.
~ What is it? Is it dangerous? ~ No, sir.
It's your photograph album that we were looking for just the other day.
Auntie, look, you can be the first person to see our new invention.
That's it, just a tiny amount.
Yeah, very good, I'm sure, but I really must be getting back to my tidying.
Wait, wait, wait, it takes time.
Look! Look! Oo-er, it's going all lumpy, like.
Oh, my.
Try one.
They're a little papery-tasting.
~ Better try another.
~ It's like eating a chocolate in a dream, a chocolate that's not there at all but seems to be.
It's a pity that it costs more to make the liquid than it would ~ to buy the chocolates.
~ You don't say.
And the things it brings to life will go back as they were once the liquid has dried off, ~ unless they're all eaten first.
~ It really is a marvel.
I certainly couldn't have done it without the help of this clever little leprechaun.
I rather think you should be getting home, Connie, ~ before anyone finds out about this.
~ I suppose so.
Get in, Haggerstone.
Erm, I'm quite happy walking, thank you, Mr Bullimore.
Oh, do shut up and get in.
That was a shambles earlier, Haggerstone.
You assured me you could swing the vote my way.
It's that blasted charter.
We can't do anything in this town as long as it exists.
I have a vision of a dynamic, modern Pagwell, with factories and car parks, roundabouts, hundreds of them, festooned with traffic lights, a ring road, two ring roads! And shopping centres, miles out of town ~ Bollards.
~ Sorry? You must have bollards.
I love bollards.
Yes, and an army of traffic wardens.
Oh, put a sock in it, Haggerstone.
All I'm interested in is making lots of money.
Together, I think we can both achieve what we want - you want Branestawm out of town, and I want to build a huge great dangerous munitions factory.
Yes.
What if I were to tell you that Branestawm did have a permit that allowed him to build a workshop in his garden? That would be annoying.
I was rather hoping he was going to sell his house and move away.
Then prepare to be annoyed.
But I can make this document disappear.
And Branestawm, if he wants to carry on inventing, will have to move elsewhere, allowing me to buy his house.
The perfect site on which to build a giant munitions factory.
Provided we have a permit to build.
I wouldn't want to do anything illegal, Mr Bullimore.
~ Get out! ~ Argh! Wait! Wait! Demolish his workshop, get rid of Branestawm and I can start building.
It would have to be a very small factory, no taller than the church, which has one of the shortest spires in England.
As long as that blessed charter exists ~ I can't see anything ever happening in Pagwell.
~ You leave that to me.
Drive, Norman, drive.
How about a game of football? Whoa! 'Very good ladies.
Now really lift those knees.
'Lift and stretch and lift and stretch' 'Lift and stretch and lift' ~ How did it go, dear? ~ All right.
'That's it.
Now, running on the spot.
'Run, and run, and run, and run, and run.
That's it!' ~ Mum? ~ Yes, lovey? Were you in love with Dad? Oh, what a funny question.
Of course I was.
Why ever would you ask such a thing? It didn't matter to you that he was a bus driver? No, lovey, not one bit.
He was a lovely man, ~ that's all that mattered to me.
~ And he didn't mind what you did? No, lovey.
I was working in a fishmonger's when we met, I stank of halibut and hake.
But he didn't mind, not one bit.
When two people love each other it doesn't matter what you smell like.
I thought so.
He looks nice in the photographs.
Oh, he was lovely.
A photograph! That's it, there might be a photograph! What? Connie, wait! Delicious, Mrs Flittersnoop, did you knit the tea bags yourself? They're from the corner shop.
The colonel took a photograph on his birthday you with your permit.
Maybe there's a picture of you in the album.
~ Connie, what are you doing? ~ What? ~ What? Oh, I'm sorry, she just came running over here, I couldn't stop her.
There might be photograph of you with your permit in the album.
That will be proof.
Great Scott and all his penguins! She's right! So, you're quite clear what needs to be done? I think so.
"I think so" isn't good enough, Angelica.
Are you quite sure? ~ I think so.
~ Stop saying, "I think so".
What do you want me to say? Just say yes, you infuriating little damp tissue of a woman.
~ Yes.
~ Yes, what? ~ Yes, I think so.
~ Argh! ~ Whatever you say, darling.
Give me strength.
Repeat after me.
"I need to make it look like Branestawm's tea-making machine "started a fire and accidentally destroyed the pesky Pagwell charter, "thus cooking Branestawm's goose once and for all "and allowing me to buy his house and build a factory on it.
" Erm, I need to make it look like Branestawm's tea-making machine has, erm made tea and ~ cooked a goose ~ No! ~ No, no, no, no, no.
~ Oooh! Oh, you're confusing me.
Right, we'll start again.
Listen very carefully.
Ha, ha.
There's one of me as a baby.
And there's one of Mrs Flittersnoop on her way to a fancy dress party, ~ as Atilla The Hun, I do believe.
~ Little Bo Peep.
Exactly.
Oh, there's another one of her.
Out of focus, I'm afraid.
Oh, and that one's not much better either.
Only half of PC Peasey made it into shot.
You're going to be amazed and confounded, Aggie, let's find a good picture.
And who's this? I recognise her.
Ah, Mrs Flittersnoop, do you recognise these young lovers? Oh, that's your teacher, Connie, Miss Blitherington.
As I remember, she had a terrific crush on that young man.
~ Wasn't she pretty? ~ She was.
~ Will this one do? ~ Oh, let me see.
~ Oh, you just watch this, Aggie.
The cat will come to life.
~ Ooh! I do hope it's not a scratchy sort of one.
It quite likely is, I'm afraid, Aggie.
Most of the professor's books are about wildish sort of animals.
Ah, now what's this? Oh! What's it doing? Why's it meowing over and over like that? I don't like it, it's not natural.
It must have been meowing when the photograph was taken and now it can't stop.
Interesting.
~ Oh! ~ Oh! Oh, dear, I must have squirted too much liquid on and it's soaked through to the picture underneath.
Oh, what shall we do? ~ Oh! ~ This is giving me the heebie-jeebies, so it is! Halt! Stop that cat.
Come on, Connie! ~ Not to mention the screaming ab-dabs! ~ Oh, my shredded nerves! Come along, let's go back to yours and have some tea.
~ I can't take all this kerfuffle! ~ Oh! Oh! Oh! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! Interesting, very interesting.
It must have dried out and gone back to being a photograph.
Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
Good after noon.
Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
Ah.
I got my results, Mother, it's a first.
I got my results, Mother, it's a first.
Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
~ Hadn't I better take my hat off first? ~ What's going on? The liquid must have spilled onto the photograph album.
They're all saying whatever they happened to be saying ~ when the picture was taken.
~ How will my uniform come out? I say, what a ripping camera, Just what I want for my birthday.
I say, what a ripping camera, just what I want for my birthday.
Baby want petty things.
Baby want petty things.
~ Terrible, terrible! ~ Pass along, pl Pass along, pl Oh, dear, what if I get mixed up with all these come-to-life-photo sort of people and forget which is really me, and then dry out and become a photograph? ~ That couldn't happen.
~ That couldn't happen, of course not, no.
Oh! I say, Professor, any luck finding that permit, old chap? Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
~ What? ~ Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
I heard you the first time, dear fellow.
Not sure I'm quite following you, but that's nothing new.
Oh, ploof wiff a woogle! Yes, indeed.
I've had my results, Mother, it's a first.
~ I've had my results, Mother, it's a first.
~ Most peculiar.
How will my uniform come out? How will my uniform come out? What's this? Imposter! Scoundrel! That's not me at all.
I'm me here! Imposter, I say! Wait till I catch you.
Police! Police! Pass along, pl Pass along, pl Pass along, pl How will my uniform come out? How will my uniform come out? Are you sure I don't look stupid in this? Are you sure I don't look stupid in this? Are you sure I don't look stupid in this? How will my uniform come out? Hold it perfectly still while you press the lever.
How will my uniform come out? You again! Only you're not you, are you? You're another imposter.
What have you done with the real professor? You don't fool me for one moment.
You're just another photograph.
~ Who are you calling a snapshot, you rotter? ~ Hm, you're having a proper conversation with lots of words in it - maybe it's me that's the photograph, not you.
That's awkward.
You're talking like the real professor - in gibberish.
So that means you're the real Colonel Dedshott? And you must be the real Branestawm.
What's going on, Prof? Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
Don't take it for a moment, I've got the sun in my eyes.
~ But I love you, Arthur.
~ And I cannot love you, Verity, as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
You beast! If you really loved her, it wouldn't matter! ~ But I love you, Arthur.
~ And I cannot love you, Verity, as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
Had I better take my hat off first? Hurry up and take it, I must go in and get tea.
Until the liquid dries out, these come-to-life-photo sort of people ~ are going to run amok! ~ I understand.
Except I don't.
My head is going round and round as usual.
Look, Colonel, I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all! ~ Professor! ~ The drying time depends Professor, Colonel, I found the photograph of you with the permit.
Look, Colonel! I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all! What? What? We must catch it before it dries out and blows away! Stop that photograph! Catch him! Halt! .
.
I can build my Inventory after all! Stop! Come back! .
.
I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all.
Stop! Are you sure I don't look stupid in this? Connie, what are you doing? Stop it! And don't run in public.
Look! .
.
as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
But I love you, Arthur.
And I cannot love you, Verity, as long as you persist with your silly idea of becoming a scientist.
~ Arthur? ~ But I love you, Arthur.
And I cannot love you, Verity, as long as you persist with your silly Pass along, pl Pass along, pl Pass along, pl Pass along, pl Look, Colonel, I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all! Look, Colonel, I have the permit, I can build my Inventory after all! I've got it! Proof you had the permit! See, he was allowed to build his Inventory.
Never mind that, can't you see? The town hall is on fire! It's Branestawm's infernal tea-making machine.
It must have gone wrong and started a blaze! Yes! That must be it! We should never have left it in there.
This is the last straw, Branestawm.
You've had it.
If your machine burns down my lovely town hall I will personally run you out of town, Branestawm! Has anyone seen my wife? ~ But it wasn't switched on.
~ Curious.
The machine will still be full of milk and tea.
I wonder if there's a way we can switch it on from here? Hmm.
I may not be clever, in fact I'm positively stupid, I may not know about sums and algebra, in fact I don't even know what algebra is Is it a country? .
.
but I am the greatest catapult shot in England.
Oh, put that silly thing away.
Stand back, Hogwash-toad! Window, light, mirror, vase, switch.
Here goes! It may be an 'opeless tea-making machine, but it's an excellent fire-putting-out machine.
Well, I always intended a dual purpose.
I just wasn't sure what the other one was.
Branestawm is the hero of the day.
You useless, rotten, feeble, rotten excuse for a woman.
Can't you ever get anything right? I should never have married you.
I'm sorry, Arthur, I tried.
I really tried.
I did my best.
And your best just wasn't good enough, was it? Arthur? Verity! You see, Angelica? This, this is the woman I should have married.
She's strong, intelligent and she wouldn't keep mucking everything up.
Well, quite frankly, Arthur, I'm glad I didn't marry you.
The way you've turned out.
You're a rotter! I should have done this a long time ago.
You were right all along, Connie.
See, there is proof, you silly man.
A photograph is not evidence, my dear.
No, but this is! Here, this belongs to you.
Yes! It's the real permit.
Hmph! I don't care about this piece of paper.
If you have saved my lovely town hall I personally give you permission to carry on inventing here in Pagwell for as long as you like! Let me give you a hug! Hello, I wonder if I might talk to you about my scheme to send hand-knitted waistcoats to the citizens of South Crashbania What is that thing? Do you have a licence for it? ~ How about a game of football? ~ Ow! Ow! Ow! Get it off me! 1-0 to me.
Leave me alone! Stop it, you! Now, I must get back to my Inventory, I'm positively buzzing with ideas for new inventions A camera that's also a telephone, a book that reads itself, elasticated spaghetti, unbreakable otters, singing toast, a voice-activated picnic hamper, ~ loom bands ~ Oooh! Ow, what are you doing? Leave me alone! How about a game of football? Will you stop kicking me! Stop kicking me! Right, ladies, time for your first science lesson, and we're going to start with a very important experiment.
We are going to make .
.
an explosion!