The Jeff Dunham Show (2009) s01e01 Episode Script

Font color="#ffff00" captioning sponsored by triage entertainment Achmed: greetings, infidels.
Please welcome jeff dunham! Thank you so much, thank you very much.
Yes, thank you very much.
And unless i'm hallucinating, welcome to the jeff dunham show.
Now, a lot of folks have been wondering What this show's going to be.
Well, for those of you who know what i do for a living, You've seen me and the guys on tv, You've seen us on the comedy central specials, Maybe on the dvds, But you've, you've only heard us talk About what we do off the stage.
You've never really seen it, So what we decided to do for our tv show is We took the little guys out in the real world, Real life, real situations with real people, And we saw what would happen And that's what you're going to watch tonight.
So the first guy that's going to help me this evening has been A friend for many, many years.
Let's hope he's in a good mood tonight.
Please help me welcome my old friend walter.
(Cheering and applause) Oh, my lord.
Will you please shut the hell up? What's wrong with you? Nothing.
Are you serious? Well, you have your own television show? Yeah, you know why? Yeah.
Youtube couldn't take it anymore? (Laughter) That wasn't very nice.
Seriously, they'll give anyone a show nowadays.
What makes you say that? Read my lips.
The jeff dunham show.
(Laughter) Holy crap, what has happened to this world? You're on tv, there's a black guy in the white house.
(Laughter) I quit.
Come on, walter I have lived too frickin' long now.
Do you always have to be so negative? Yeah.
You know, you realize we're doing it again.
What? We're arguing.
No, we're not.
Yeah No.
Yeah No.
Yes, we are.
Whatever.
And remember where we learned not to do that? (Sighs) At the therapist.
So what brings you here today? I'm here 'Cause grandpa touched my hoo-Hoo-Dilly.
Can we go now? Walter and i Never agree on anything, And comedy central is afraid that it's affecting the show, So they asked us to come see Specifically You.
Walter, i'm gonna start with you, since you seem To be having a little more difficulty here.
Well, thank you.
What are two things you like about jeff? I got nothing.
Okay.
What are two things you dislike about jeff? Oh, that he's a (bleep).
Okay.
He's a (bleep), and what else? You said I can't believe The therapist actually said (bleep).
That's interesting because If it sounded really awful when i said it, I'm wondering if you're aware Of how kind of disruptive and disrespectful it sounded When you said it.
Nope.
Walter, do you and your wife talk a lot? I never talk to my wife like this.
What, are you nuts? Hmm, maybe she doesn't share with you For the same reason jeff what about your wife? You talk to her like that? I share very personal things with my partner, yes.
Oh.
You mean wife.
Are you trying to ask me if i'm married? Well, yeah, i assumed you're married.
You're married, right? I am married.
Oh, good.
I'm married to a man.
What? I'm married to a man.
You're married, uh, to a man? Man.
Man? Man.
Man.
Did you know? No.
No, we didn't know.
Are you a counselor to, to gay couples? I do counsel gay couples.
Do y-You think that We're gay? Well, walter, if you were, i think you should be very proud That you were able to get yourself A younger, handsome man.
Holy crap.
Dunham: walter, why did you just get up And leave? I told you we shouldn't have come to hollywood.
This is what they do here.
Everyone thinks we're gay.
No one thinks we're gay.
Then why did they send us to a gay therapist? It was just a coincidence.
Besides, i would never want to be gay with you.
Yeah, you got that right.
I never want to read the kama sutra while sitting on your lap.
Right.
-I never want To slow-Dance with you to lionel richie's "hello.
" And i would never want to go To a place called the manhole with you.
I never want to taste you in the morning.
Walter, do you see what we're doing here? What? We're agreeing.
We are? Well, yeah.
We're agreeing that we'd never want to be gay with each other.
Oh, my god, you're right.
(Grunting) (Toilet flushes) Walter: dr.
Young, you're a genius.
You used the fact that we didn't want To be gay with each other to bring us closer.
You're like a gay yoda.
(Dr.
Young chuckles) I've never heard it put that way, walter, but thank you.
Thanks, dr.
Young.
Do i look fat in this vest? (Applause and cheering) You know what the saddest part about that was? What? We were trying to convince everyone we're not gay, But we're hanging out in a bathroom With a whole camera crew of men.
(Chuckles) Well, wal -Don't touch me.
Ah We'll be right back.
Achmed: coming up next Me, achmed.
Holy crap, i look great in hd.
And peanut tries to do it with a celebrity.
Plus, bubba j gets surprised, Which frankly is not very difficult.
Don't change the channel, or your remote will explode.
(Achmed cackles) Well, we're back, and i think you all know Achmed the dead terrorist.
(Crowd cheering) So, achmed, is there anything you want to say to the crowd? Silence! Uh (Cheering and laughter) Wait for it.
I keel you! (Crowd cheering) That is fantastic.
I feel like freaking rod stewart.
Let's do it all together.
One, two, three.
Achmed & crowd: i keel you! (Chuckles) (Singsongy): they're talking to you.
So, achmed, how are you liking los angeles? Oh, i do not like living in this city.
Why? -There are no morals in this city.
Really? -The only virgins left here Are the jonas brothers.
(Laughter) So that makes los angeles the perfect place For me to launch my latest project.
(Laughing maniacally) Male announcer: he's one of the most feared people on the planet.
One of the fbi's most wanted terrorists.
And now he's coming to kill you.
Hi-Yo! Announcer: with comedy! (Muttering silly gibberish) The economy is so bad, i had to sell my goat.
Now if i want sex, i have to do it with my wife.
(Laughter) announcer: that's right.
Achmed, The dead terrorist, is blowing up the comedy world With his new standup dvd: I kill you? I kill me! 72 virgins? Frankly, i'd be happier with two vietnamese chicks Who know their way around the (bleep).
Announcer: if you would like your jokes delivered by a dead guy With a turban, this dvd's for you! So, any jews here tonight? (Achmed giggles, crowd cheering) oh, really? Okay, skip that bit.
Announcer: he does relationship humor.
My wife complained i left the toilet seat up, So i sold her.
Announcer: he does topical.
I mean, is it really an instant message? Announcer: he does impressions.
I am not a muslim.
Dawg.
Announcer: he works the crowd.
Sir, what do you do? I'm an accountant.
You know you've got a bad job When the dead terrorist is, like, "Thank god i'm not you!" Announcer: and who can forget his famous routine: "You might be a terrorist if.
" If you like living in a cave, You might be a terrorist.
If you sometimes go (Ululating) Audience: you might be a terrorist.
(Laughs) Announcer: act now and get tons Of great bonus material, Including achmed's infamous heckler incident.
Hey, terrorist, you suck.
Are you (bleep) kidding me? Hey, (bleep), i kill people for a living.
You still suck.
I keel you! Oh, (bleep)! (Crowd screaming and shouting) Announcer: that's achmed's standup dvd.
Plus, the bonus material.
All for one low, low price of $9.
95.
Shipping to infidel countries extra.
Good night, cleveland.
(Cheering and applause) Damn it.
(Applause and cheering) Thank you! Thank you so much.
So, achmed, how's your standup career going? Oh, pretty good.
I have been performing at the kabul chuckle dungeon.
(Laughter) The kabul chuckle dungeon? Yes.
Every thursday is ladies night.
Really? You got to trade in a lady for a drink.
Walter calls it "whores for heinekens.
" (Laughter) No? Hooters for shooters? (Laughter) Virgins for vodka? (Laughter) Skanks for screwdrivers? (Laughter) achmed! (Laughs) thank you.
I'll be here all week.
I wonder if dunham is gonna go nuts like chappelle.
I heard africa is nice this time of year.
Peanut: coming up next, me, peanut, Surfing the skanky waters of the l.
A.
Dating scene.
Plus, the genius lures a guy into bed.
Well, a truck bed.
It's complicated.
(Applause and cheering) How you doing, peanut? I'm doing pretty good.
How about you? I'm fine.
-That's good.
That's good.
That's gooood! (Cackling) Well, peanut, it's great to have you on my tv show.
Uh, your tv show? Uh, excuse me, this is my tv show.
No.
-Yeah.
No.
-Yeah.
No.
-Yeah.
No.
-Yes! What is that big sign right there? A typo.
(Laughter) Do you see the parking place with my name on it? Oh, yeah.
Right? Handicapped.
(Laughter) That's not funny.
Then why are they laughing? (Laughter) So, peanut, are you enjoying southern california? Oh, dude, i got to tell you.
The california girls cannot get enough Of the lavender lover! (Cheering, applause and whistling) I tell you what.
I got the hollywood hotties Melting at the thought of going out with me.
(Chuckles) that's not the way i remember it.
Dunham: peanut? What? Uh, you remember my publicist, elaine? Yeah.
And, look, if you want to meet celebrities, She's the one to talk to.
Hi.
It's a pleasure to see you.
Peanut: oh, same here.
Now, look, Elaine, i want to have a celebrity girlfriend now.
I want to meet one now! So, who are you looking for? Someone that's hot and frickin' famous! Okay, so hot and frickin' famous.
Hot tuh.
Well, who are you thinking of? The olsen twins.
(Laughs) They're my size.
They're little.
They're little.
They kind of look like me, too.
Look.
You'd make a good trio.
Trio? Awesome.
But no.
What about brooke hogan? Brooke hogan? The one Whose cd we've been listening to in the car? Dunham: yeah.
-The redemption.
Right.
-Available now in stores everywhere.
That woman sings like an angel, And she's stacked like Two golden towers of flapjacks.
Give it a shot, elaine.
I can't believe i'm about To meet brooke hogan! I'm so excited, jeff.
Just don't be nervous.
How can i not be nervous? She's so hot, and, you know, she's got the big Personality, and it's just it's just so exciting! So exciting! You just need to calm down and be yourself.
(Silly stammering) Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.
Be myself.
Do you have any advice for me? Well, tell her a joke.
Oh, a joke.
Okay, good.
Okay.
Two gays guys walk in a bar -No.
Black guys.
-No.
Chinese? -No.
Jews.
-No! -What? Don't do ethnic stuff.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
What if i accidentally look at her boobs? Just don't.
No.
Okay, good.
(Engine revving) That's her car.
Oh, you think so? Well, good luck, buddy.
(Gasping) welcome to the freak show thanks for comin', joining me i'll just show you what i want then just repeat after me if you're feelin' kinda kinky, i can really turn you on all i need is your cooperation come and play along Hi, peanut.
Hi, brooke.
Good to see you.
It's good to see you, too.
Have you been waiting long? Oh, well, just my entire life.
Aw.
-Yeah.
Oh, well.
Here you go, folks.
Oh, guacamole.
Well, tastes delicious, And feels great smeared all over your body.
(Laughs) Did i say that out loud? I'm sorry.
-Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
Oh, that was good.
Funny.
Is it good? So, uh, tell me about your (Coughs) Um, i-I (Coughs) That-That feels weird.
Okay, there's not (hawks) There's not nuts in-In guacamole? Nah.
It can't that's fine.
So your (coughs) There's definitely nuts in that! (Coughing) I don't think there's nuts in guacamole.
(Hawking) So tell me about miami.
(Gagging) I love your shoes.
(Retching) Oh, god, that is so gross! (Siren blaring) I gotta be honest, peanut.
I don't think this is going to work out.
I didn't finish telling you my joke.
How two black guys (Sighing): oh, god.
(Sighs) Greetings! I am achmed.
I understand You're a virgin.
Nuts? i wanna see you strip for me.
(Cheering, applause) Peanut, i'm, i'm going to say that didn't go well.
Well, it would have If achmed hadn't try to freaking kill me! I got him back, though.
What'd you do? I gave his arm to your chihuahua.
(Laughter) We'll be right back.
(cheering, applause) (High-Pitched, screeching horror movie theme plays) Announcer: and now: You didn't hear it from me, But owen totally likes you.
This has been: (Applause and cheering) (Cheering, applause continues) So, uh, how you doing tonight, bubba j? I'm hammered.
Bubba j, you remember the rule i made About drinking before a show? Uh, was it: Be sure to drink a buttload before every show? Why would i make a rule like that? 'Cause it's the best rule ever.
(Laughing) Let's show everyone what you did yesterday.
When was yesterday? So, the guys and i Have been in los angeles for a little while now, And i just started getting the feeling That bubba j was getting kind of homesick.
Yeah, pretty sad.
So, i thought i'd bring him somewhere That i knew would make him happy.
(Gasping): a beer barn? No.
Look.
(Bubba j gasps) Guns! All right, bubba j, here's All the guns that we have to choose from.
Boy, i tell you what, nolan, you got Some good stuff here.
I recognize Some of this from home.
You do? Oh, absolutely.
Like that right there.
Well, i tell you what.
That's what we call The squirrel kill 2000.
Really? What's that? Yeah.
Uh, the life getter.
Hmm.
And how about that one? Bubba j: oh, that's called the circumciser.
(Bubba j laughs) Let's go shoot some guns, nolan! Hold on.
Before you shoot, You have to take a gun safety course.
Gun safety course? All right, bubba j, the first rule is To always keep the gun pointed in a safe direction.
You don't point it At anybody that you like? Nolan: no.
Don't point it at anyone at all.
Un-Unless you're gonna kill 'em.
You're not going to kill anybody today.
(Sighs) This one is a .
44 magnum.
This has a hammer spur, So you can cock it and shoot it.
You said cock.
Or You can just pull the trigger without cocking the hammer back.
You said cocking.
Okay.
So You're not a sense-Of-Humor Kind of guy.
Cock's funny.
We're focusing on safety.
Okay.
So, aiming guns at people, Saying the word "cock," things like that We're just going to focus on words like safety.
Don't aim your cock.
Okay.
So, let's go.
(Groans) Are you practicing to get drugs? (Gunshot) my worst nightmare.
A chick with a gun.
(Gunshot) Happy hanukkah mother (Gunshot) (Cocking gun, loud shotgun blast) (Cocking gun) (Shotgun blast) (Soothing music plays) I gotta tell ya.
I-I love Your gun.
Well, thanks.
I love it, too.
So, joe, What do you do when you ain't shootin' guns? Well, i'm a retired music teacher.
You're a retarded music teacher? Pardon? What'd you do before you were a music teacher? I was an interrogator in vietnam.
Whoa, vietnam? That's right.
Did you Make it back? So, what other hobbies do you have, joe? Well, i sing in a choir.
That's cool.
Yeah.
Two years ago, we sang in carnegie hall.
(Gasps) I did a show in carnegie hall.
Excuse us.
We're talking here.
Okay.
You know, joe, there's something else i love, And that's eh, beer.
Well, bubba j, i love beer, too.
(Gasping): you do? (Soothing music plays) (Laughter, smatter of applause) Guns and beer.
Beers and guns.
Whoo! You know, joe, if you didn't have a dong, I'd marry you.
(Chuckles) (Laughter, applause, cheering) (Whistling, cheering, applause) So, bubba j, you and joe became great friends.
Yeah, we sure did.
Are you planning to get together again soon? No.
It's over.
What happened? I saw joe shooting with another man.
(Laughter, groans) So? I don't want to be with a tramp.
(Laughter) Well, bubba j, our show's almost over.
Are you going to join us next week? Where? -On my show.
(Gasping): you have a show? (Laughter) Congratulations! Thanks for joining us.
And thanks to brooke hogan.
We'll see you all next week.
-Good night! Captioned by media access group at wgbh access.
Wgbh.
Org Achmed: keel you!